Toddler's Behavior Is Making SAHM Feel Isolated

Updated on August 03, 2010
S.T. asks from Scarborough, ME
11 answers

I am a SAHM with two boys, a two and half year old and a six month old. I enjoy bringing the kids to playdates, to the park and other activities that give me a chance to get out of the house and be with other moms. However my toddler will either decide he wants to leave after only being somewhere for 20 minutes (or less) and at this point all I can do is pack up both kids and leave or face him having a melt down and begging to home. Which of course makes me look like a crazy mom for trying to make him stay and play when he clearly wants to go home. Or he decides that it fun to watch his mom try to run after him while carring the baby through a busy park. I see other children his age who do listen (maybe not all the time) when their mom's say "stop", or "stay here" . As frustrating this is the bigger problem is that I am afraid his failure to STOP when instructed is going to get him hit by a car. I always hold his hand while in a parking lot, or on the street but in a park where he's running and playing I'm obviously not holding his hand and he has taken off trough a park and almost onto a busy street before I caught him. At this point I am giving up going to the park (even though it's summer and the weather has been perfect). So I'm stuck home with the boys in a small neighborhood that is deserted during the day. It is so depressing! Does anyone have any words of advice on how to make my toddler understand me?

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So What Happened?

Thank you for your responses. Sometimes it helps to know other have been or are in the same boat. It also helps when someone else looks at an issue with a fresh set of eyes. I had forgotten that my older son used to always want me to play with him and show him how to do things. He had become more independent but after the baby was born he started back into wanting and needeing me to play with him. Maybe this is his way of getting my attention and if I try harder to focus on him playing and playing with him more when were out will help curb the running off and the wanting to leave after only being somewhere for a short time.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Can you play "FREEZE" with him at home? maybe it will be a reflex when he hears you yell 'freeze" at the park?
As for the ready-to-leave after 20 minutes thing...you could try going around lunchtime and packing the 2 yo his lunch (and yours too!) so he can play...find a shady spot, have lunch then maybe play some more?
Or bring some fave toys with you to the park (trains, cars, balls, etc.)?
It gets better and you will not be trapped in your house for the rest of your life! I promise.

3 moms found this helpful
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D.H.

answers from Indianapolis on

Yep, start at home..........if he is doing something that he shouldn't be doing, then tell him to stop, if he doesn't, give him a time out.....or take away whatever it was you told him to stop.....if possible.

This can be things that you work on............every day....all the time.......he needs to learn that you mean business.......so, you have to stick to your guns and let him know that you do.............

I would take him to the park, and tell him on the way, that you are going to the park for an hour........take him some treats, and something to play with.........tell him after an hour, if he is good you will leave, if not, he will get a time out when he gets home............now obviously, if something happens, this will change..........If after 20 minutes, he wants to go.....pull him off to the side and tell him he has two choices, to sit and eat his treats, then go back and play, or get a time out at the park..........and if so, do it......Time to start enforcing what you have told him......and hour might be too long, but you get the idea.....and it's not really too long for a child his age..........

You might also try putting him in a stroller......and pushing them both through the park. This way, you're out and about, and he's contained!!

But this all starts at home.......so hang in there, and don't let him dictate your life this summer......he's old enough now to start learning..........

Good Luck and take care.

1 mom found this helpful

D.M.

answers from Denver on

I like the suggestion below and while I don't have any other recommendation for you, I wanted to give you a little reassurance. Our oldest enjoyed running off at that age and seemed to have a very hard time listening. He's 6 now, has good manners, and *usually* is responsive when we ask him to do things. He definitely now understands that we are trying to keep him safe and teach him how to get along. Hang in there!

1 mom found this helpful
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L.C.

answers from Raleigh on

Go on meetup.com and join a mom's group in your area. My boys are 23 months apart so I know how you feel, we avoided a lot of outside playdates during that time, but went to lots of inhome ones and it was great!!!!!!!

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A.P.

answers from Boston on

Not sure how to make your son listen, but I feel for you. I can't even go in my backyard because it is not fenced in and I'm on the corner of a somewhat busy street. Last time I was outside with the kiddie pool, my 2 1/2 yo decided to bolt into the street, giving me a heart attack. Luckily no car was coming. I haven't been in the backyard since. I also have a baby in tow, making it even harder. My best advice is to go to a playground that is fenced in, if you can find one. I have one in the next town over, and I know a lot of mom's that go there just for that reason.

I'd make him stay at the park a little longer, its a lot of work to pack up and go to the park, only to have to leave ten minutes later. Such a waste. I have the opposite problem though, my daughter wants to stay forever and throws a tantrum when we leave, at which point she just gets tossed in the car kicking and screaming.

I think it gets easier as they get older, if thats any comfort.

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G.F.

answers from Springfield on

Want to hang out. I have a 2.5 year old toddler and a 5 month old and I think our toddlers may be seperated twins! She does the same thing. I have decided that if we are some where important or that we go to infrquently we stay despite the "meltdown" but if its some where every-day like say the park or supermarket we leave, she gets time out and we try again. Its working so for so I sticking with it.

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D.P.

answers from Boston on

Running away... If you can find a park that's fenced in, that might help. I've got two and we frequent enclosed parks a lot these days.

I've just started the FREEZE game too. My daughter, who is generally really responsive and obedient, is not when it comes to "freezing" when told to. Tough, like you say, with the baby in tow. I'm hoping repetition will help.

Another thought is to wear your baby in a carrier or find one of those shaded playmats for the baby, put him/her down nearby, and try actively playing with your son in the sandbox or drawing with sidewalk chalk or something like that. He may be acting out because he wants to get your attention and sees that running away in public works.

As for wanting to leave right away... hmm, I hope it's a stage. My daughter went through a similarly annoying phase just after her baby sis was born.In her case, she refused to leave the house. After I'd spend an hour getting us all ready to go somewhere fun (playground, museum, playdate) and psyching her up, she'd start in saying "I stay home. I don't want to go," escalate to wailing and refuse to walk out the door. I couldn't carry her because I was carrying the infant. Ugh. She did this for about three or four weeks and then went back to her normal self. My fingers are crossed for you.

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M.W.

answers from Boston on

I am in agreeance with the responce about the freeze game and time break down- we are going to the park in 1 hour....

I'd also like to add talking about while at the park before goign there. What are your expectations for him. And also all the fun things he can do.

While at the park sit with him and play in the sandbox or push him in the swings. Sometimes kids don't know how to play with somethings and need to be taught the fun of it. My little one ws like that with parks. She just didn't get it. Good luck. your not alone. We all feel that one at one time or another.

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K.G.

answers from Burlington on

Find enclosed playgrounds, or indoor arenas/playgrounds, somewhere you can let him blow off steam and not get hurt. Safety first, but I would also explain during breakfast what the plans are for the day. If there are choices he can have, let him. If not let him have choices in do you want to stay 45 or and hour. Juice selections, lunch selections? He is trying to assert some indepence, and he probably enjoys having you chase him, getting full attention. (negative attention is fun too). Try to include him, talk to him, and explain what you are planning for the day, and review expectations. If leaving is what he wants, do not reward that. He can stay and not play for some time. It seems like he is enjoying calling the shots, and senses you are trapped. Be strong in the power struggle!

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J.R.

answers from Boston on

I'm in the same boat with my son who is almost 26 months old - he loves to run everywhere and thinks it's a little game. He runs off and then turns around with a little smile to see if you're chasing him. The trouble is that I'm now 7 months pregnant with my third child and it's getting pretty difficult to run after him AND I don't want him continuing to do this after the baby is born. My solution has been to just put him in the stroller and strap him in. I tell him either you walk or you get in the stroller; it's taken some time, but he seems to be getting it and is walking more and more. I also try to find time and places where he can run around without getting hurt with the expectation that he'll learn where he can and can't run around like that.

As far as leaving the park, I'm not sure I'd let the 2 year old dictate when you leave. I'd probably do the same thing - stick him in the stroller or put him in the car seat with the windows open and let him cry it out and then leave when you're ready. I say this because what's going to happen in a situation where you really can't leave right when he says? Maybe you're at a doctor's appointment for the baby or something and he decides he wants go - just thinking you don't want to let him think that just because he suddenly wants to leave that it's automatically going to happen. My problem is the opposite in that my son NEVER wants to leave. It's a total meltdown when it's time to leave the park. My daughter did the same thing at that age. I just ignore it, pick him up and either carry him to the car or stick him in the stroller and walk off - it's frustrating but eventually they DO learn that when you say it's time to go, it's time to go.

D.B.

answers from Boston on

Lots of good suggestions here. At least you know that we have ALL been there, and kids just don't usually have the capacity at this age to remember the rules when they see something really interesting.

I agree that he can't be calling the shots. You could consider a wrist leash that he has to wear precisely because he doesn't listen and he needs to be safe. It's also helpful when you are trying to cross a street carrying the baby. He'll get sick of it and stay close. Or put him in time out, as suggested. Some people use a kitchen timer (not digital at this age - they can't read the numbers) so you tell him "When the arrow gets all the way around the dial, we'll go home. If he keeps checking it, so be it - he won't be nagging you. If he's having a lot of fun, you can adjust the timer when he's not looking and add some time. This also works for the problems created when Mom wants to leave and kids don't. "Ding" means "time to go."

Another option is to have a pack of "park toys" that are only available for playing with when you are out. They get put away the second you have to leave for home, and they don't get brought out for use in the back yard or the family room.

Put up a flyer at your local children's library or any store that sells kids' clothing (if they'll let you) saying you are interested in joining or starting a play group (or park group, whatever) and put those tear-off tabs on it. Maybe you'll find some other moms in the same boat - then you can trade off watching the infants while someone else pushes the bigger kids on the swings or chases them around.

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