Toddler Screaming - Goleta,CA

I agree with SH's response. I would handle things a little differently. I would talk to the older child and ask him not to use the items in the presence of the 2 year old. Trust me, the older child might subconsciously resent the younger child and be doing things to provoke him. My children are far apart in age like yours and sometimes you would swear the older one is acting out more than the younger one. Best of luck.

This is no reason for discipline at all - this is just classic terrible-two stuff! Please try to be patient and remember that you and your husband need to be strong, calm, patient and loving. You might let him read these responses because he needs to know that there is a good way to deal with tantrums and a terrible way to deal with them. The terrible way (ie, giving in, yelling, punishing) WILL absolutely affect the way your son develops and it's not good! No one wants to be around a spoiled child for one. And two, you need to show him that the two of you are calm and in CONTROL when HE'S NOT. So, when this happens, remove him from the public place without fanfare and emotion, and tell your son what your plan is ("no you can't have the ipod but when you calm down, you can have your toy and a big hug" - or that kind of thing). When he goes ballistic, just tell him you are there for him when he done crying and sit with him very calmly and wait. Don't even look at him or give him attention for this behavior. It can take 10 to 20 min. but when he's done, there you are to hug him - he'll need that so much. He can't help these tantrums, he's learning how to control his emotions becausde they are new to him. Your job is to show him how to and not give in to demands that are inappropriate. He WILL grow out of it, and faster with this technique. But of course, it's very trying! Good luck,
M.

Okay, so hear is my two cents...

I am the oldest of two girls, and yes it was tempting to taunt my sister with my goodies. But, my Mom was always quick to tell me to be fair, and at the same time redirect and provide my sister with toys of age appropriate nature.

Now, this was the 80's so it wasn't an iPod, but a tape player...my sister had her Fisher Price version of my 'my First Sony'. It kept the 'green eyed Monster' away or at least put him inhis place.

My son is 2.5 and is very sure that everything in our house is his...until I tech him otherwise. And that is my job...to guide him through his emtions and frustrations in this 'me-me' phase and give him an outlet, as well as help him identify those feelings.

Like Susan mentioned, impulse control is not something he has. We know that when we don't get our way it is not okay to shout and cry, but how do we know this? Someone taught us how to stop and think about the feeling and how to best deal with it.

Create a clear plan for the tantrums, and make sure everyone is on board. Your husband can't just sit by and be an observer, boys learn male behavior from those around and he needs to be a part of the action plan...not the problem. When your son does tantrum, redirect him to another activity. If that doesn't work, then be consistent with your approach and maintain calm.

For tantrums, I sit down next to my son if he's flailing or if I can I hug him and tell him 'Mommy can't help him if he doesn't use his words.' And it always helps to identify the feeling...you are angry, frustrated, mad or whatever but, help him name it.

This will carry-on if you let it, and will get worse. Your son is in need of guidance and consistency.

Good luck and be strong!

I highly recommend "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." We loved the DVD -- there's also a book. They're by Dr. Harvey Karp and they saved our sanity when my granddaughter was 2. Great techniques that work :)

Good luck!

A.,
Wow! You have your hands full. I threw tantrums for along time when I was a child. Not so much in public, but at home. Part of my frustration was not being able to express myself, and sometimes my emotions just took over. It is true that 2 year olds can't always control themselves, but they can be taught right and wrong behavior. My mother did not give in, and my older siblings helped her out with me. But I do know that part of the tantrum throwing was for attention and wanting my way. My mother threw herself onto the floor and threw a tantrum in front of me. That actually worked. I wanted her to stop, because she looked so awful doing it. I was not 2 years old, but I believe if she had done it earlier it would have worked. When I was very young prior to her tantrum example of me, she would enforce not giving in to me. I got sent outside to play, sent in my room to be alone throwing the tantrums, or ignored. Your son is testing all of you and he will continue to do so until he does not receive the attention he is getting for throwing the tantrum. Don't expect him to share yet, but do NOT give in to him. He will catch on after awhile. Get some ear plugs, keep busy, have your husband go in another room, whatever it takes. You must still tell your 2 year old that he can not have what he wants. Make sure that your 14 year old does not tease him about not having what he has, which even the best brothers and sisters will do sometimes. You have a teenager and a preteen(that is what some doctors call a 2 year old because of their behavior), in your home right now. Continue to stay united with your husband on this, and encourage him to hang on a little longer, it will pass.
Hope this helps.

E.:)

I have a daughter who is now 5, and a son who is 20 months. Even though my daughter is not a teen, she has things, and eats things, her brother is not yet allowed to. And he notices and sometimes has a fit over it.

My two couldn't be more different personality wise. My daughter is a full on girly-girl and my son is already a rough and tumble sports fiend, even though we are far, far from a sports family. And while my daughter was very defiant and often tested our limits, she would realize defeat sooner. My son is not as defiant as he is stubborn. He often listens to us and likes to help, but he'll get in a tizzy over something (not playing a game he likes on Wii) and not let up.

Yet, they both responded to time-outs. The thing about time outs is that YOU MUST BE CONSISTENT. That means giving him a time out EVERY time he does not respond to your asking him to stop doing something, or every time he does something he knows he shouldn't (like pulling hair or biting).

And it is best if the time outs occur in the same place when you are at home. We use a pack n play. When out shopping or dining or visiting friends, CONTINUE to give him time outs when needed. If he thinks he can get away with stuff when other "outsiders" are looking on, he will take advantage of it.

I took my daughter outside when we were at restaurants, so she wouldn't disrupt other diners with her crying and yelling. It was sometimes a total pain in the butt, and people coming in would sometimes look at us oddly, but IT WORKED! She is a shining example of a well behaved child when we eat out and, because of that, she gets dessert, since we're not trying to rush out as fast as possible.

We make our son sit down when he's in the pack n play, because he seems to calm down faster than he does when standing up. And since our pack n play is in the family room, we make him face the opposite direction of the TV (when it's on) or turn it off.

And I can't tell you how great is is for me to be able to put my son in the pack n play (a safe place) and walk into another room when I also need a "time out". Cooling off is good for the parent, too.

If he's screaming too loud during the time out, we tell him, "No screaming. If you don't stop screaming, you'll stay in your time out." (this works).

And you must make it clear that you are not punishing him for wanting what his brother has (it's only natural) but for the screaming, because that is unacceptable behavior. We made it clear that screaming is only for "emergencies" (which there are plenty of with 2 kids anyway). When my daughter was about 2 and a half, I explained that if she screamed every time she didn't get her way, I might learn to block it out and then when she really needed help, I wouldn't realize it. That made a lot of sense to her.

So, you say, "No screaming." If he continues, say, "I said, 'No screaming'. If you don't stop, you'll have a time out." If he doesn't stop, then put him in a time out. After a month or so, stop warning him. Just tell him, "Time out for screaming!" as soon as he starts.

And, during the time out, crying is okay (they are being punished after all), but screaming after the first 20 seconds is not. So, you make sure they understand that the longer they scream, the longer the time out. I used to say, "I still hear screaming, so you have to stay there longer." and I would totally ignore them while they screamed. I would give them no reaction (since that's what they want). Eventually, they both gave up screaming after the first 30 seconds, which I let them have to "get it out of their system".

My daughter is so quiet, now, she sometimes has to remind me she's in a time out... I'll hear her say (from her time out spot in the living room), "Mom! I'm not crying or screaming."

And I say all this like it's nothing, but I know it's really hard. I can't tell you how horrible I felt doing this with my daughter at first. She didn't seem to be getting it (we started when she was 14 months).

However, I stuck in there and it paid off better than I could have imagined. My daughter went from 5 - 10 time outs a day (did I mention she was a biter?), to 1 or 2 a week in the course of 3 months. Now, she might get one once a month.

And just to be clear, we are not mean or overbearing parents. This is just what we do when our kids get out of hand or do things that are not acceptable. Both my son and daughter are the happiest kids I know and we do a lot with them. My daughter (who has benefited from this longer) has tons of friends and their parents love having her over. I enjoy her company more than I ever imagined I would and her teachers (she's in preschool) say she is the kindest and most reasonable child they've ever taught.

My son took a couple months longer to get the hang of it, and is still a work in progress, but about a month ago ago we had a breakthrough. Now, when we say, "Do you want a time out?", he almost always immediately stops doing whatever it is we don't want him to do (like putting things in the DVD drive). My husband's friend (who is also a dad) recently witnessed this happen and was blown away.

And when he does go too far, he now runs and climbs into his pack n play and sits down, not facing the TV , when we say "Go have a time out." In fact, when a friend of mine was disciplining her daughter with a time out while visiting, my son thought she was talking to him, and ran and climbed into his pack n play! Of course, I got him out and made sure he understood he had done nothing wrong, but my friend could not believe it.

I know not all children are the same, but the same can be said of parents. Some (like many friends of mine) gave up too soon or were simply not consistent. It's worth the pay off if you keep it up. You'll be happier because there will be less conflict and your kids will be happier with the consistency, knowing what the limits are, and what will happen if they go too far. Punishment is not really about controlling your kids as much as it is a way of showing you love them (when done correctly). If you don't care enough to help them learn about acceptable behavior, what kind of person will they end up being?

You're on the right track... just keep working on it! And make sure your husband does the same!

You remember going through this with your teenager, don't you? You need a little backup support, since your husband is caving. Please read some parenting books or attend a few classes with other parents of 2 year olds. I read the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and it was very helpful. Take charge, Mommy. Don't give in!

Hi A.:
I Agree with SH. I think the better question here, would have been" Is there anyone out there with kids 13 years apart,that are harmonious? Tell your teen,to stop flaunting what the little one obviously can't have.It's like dangling a bone in front of a tied up puppy! Honestly, Your toddler hasn't the vocabulary to make request,or voice his disapointments Expect the normal reaction of screaming out of frustration,until hes able to communicate. The best of luck to you and your sons.

A.,
If you give your child what he wants because he's screaming, then he'll continue to scream to get what he wants. I know it's hard, but you have to just be consistent and say no when the answer is no. Who cares what people think. If he's screaming in public, say, "I know you are upset, but you can't drink soda." If you don't put your foot down, then your setting yourself up for future problems. Talk to your husband and try to agree on what you will do when he has a tantrum. Both of you must be on the same page and consistent. I know its hard, but put your foot down.

A 2 year old child, does NOT have "impulse control" yet. And won't until at least 3-4+ years old.

You and his brother and every other grown up, does have impulse control.

So... you either do not use these things in front of your 2 year old, or you do and realize the consequences, or you give him a safe substitute for those things.

The thing is, your 2 year old is behaving normally. It is developmental that they behave this way. So, EVERY 2 year old will "appear" hard-headed and strong willed.
But in fact... a 2 year old, does NOT even have their "emotions" fully developed yet, much less their understanding for "abstract" emotions... they simply do not "know" all the nuances of emotions or feelings or what it means or how to handle it or what to do about it. For a child this age, they are simply not fully mature enough yet to just stop anything at will. For this reason, I don't believe time-outs are real pertinent at this age.

Even the best of children, will at certain ages, act this way.

Every toddler, is like a "reactor"....they REACT to things, and they are operating on cause & effect types responses... and they now have a 'voice' can talk.
ALL toddlers and children have a "trigger" and they respond accordingly for what they want or don't want...what is pleasing and what is not. SO.... knowing this... you then do preventative measures and trouble-shooting.

It's a phase...
and they are merely beginning to learn about the world.
They have a whole childhood to learn about what we hope for...
But at this time... well, "frustration" is a major part of a 2 year olds life. "
There is a lot you can "teach" him now... versus, "telling" him things. Kids this age are not going to understand much less be able to instantly "behave" to wordy-adult like explanations.

All the best,
Susan

Hi A.,

Stay strong! If you give in, you're going to eventually have a five year-old or even older child who throws tantrums in public--and that's a lot more embarrassing! The fact is--older kids receive privileges that younger kids don't. Adults get to do stuff that teenagers don't. If you give in, you're going to have a spoiled kid who will have nothing to look forward to because he will already have received things--a two year-old with a cell phone or iPod??? Eww. Maybe you tell your teen to eat the protein bars or drink the sodas not in the toddler's presence to help eliminate the temptation (or, stop buying the protein bars and sodas--while fun, they're not nutritionally necessary). :-)

Anyway--two year-olds have tantrums! I'm sure you remember those from when your older son was small! This phase won't last forever. Just take a deep breath and be strong. If people are upset by your toddler in public, that's their problem (as long as you are making a good-faith effort to curtail the screaming). People are a lot more annoyed by older kids having a fit, in my observation...

There were many times my husband and I just had to leave places when our son was younger. He just wasn't ready to be certain places for certain lengths of time. No big deal. Kids grow up. What we couldn't do two years ago we can do now. Time goes by quickly.

Your toddler will not die from screaming (and you won't either, even though it's annoying). It's good for kids to not always get their way. Get your husband to get on the same page with you, too--if your toddler sees that Daddy is a pushover and Mommy is a stickler, you are in for a lifetime of hurt rather than a few months (or, at worst, two years) of inconvenience.

Good luck!
:-) D.

Hi A.,

It sounds like your toddler is having a good old time going through the "terrible twos"- where he needs to learn limits. You've probably gotten a lot of advice already. If not....you and your husband will have to undo rewarding those tantrums. Giving into the tantrums is definitely not the answer, and the situation will just get worse if given into. Believe me- I have seen kids who run the household (typically developing kids), and it is not pretty.

You are right that you can't reason with a 2 year old in the midst of a melt down. Another time, when he is calm you can tell him that his big brother has big kid stuff AND big kid responsabilities. When the 2 year old screams, you remove him calmly from the situation- stay firm- don't ridicule him. It sounds like the 2 year old is really playing the situation, and manipulating the two of you.

Maybe this sounds harsh, but that's what it sounds like to me. I've worked with lots of families and kids over the years- and this is what it's sounding like to me.