35 answers

To Tell or Not to Tell.... - Ellensburg,WA

Ok so here's my dilema...I just found out i'm prego with baby #3 which is awesome. However, my husband is currently in South America doing a grueling 14 day motorcycle race, the Dakar Rally. I get to talk to him every day, but am not sure I should tell him now or wait til he gets home on Jan. 21. He will have been gone a total of 25 days. This is his 4th yr doing this race so it's nothing new to us. i had a miscarriage back in Sept of this yr so i don't know if i should tell him now and have him worry about me miscarrying again by myself. this is a very dangerous race and he needs to focus 100% on racing and staying safe. BUT, what if, God forbid, something does happen to him and i never got the chance to tell him about this baby. OR...what if i do tell him and something happens to him. i will think it was my fault by distracting him from the race and blame myself. HELP!!!! this really is a dangerous race. they lose at least one rider a year. they are racing thru the desert, andes mtns. you name it. so i'm not hormonal and freaking out for nothing. it's seriously dangerous.

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What can I do next?

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Wait! He will be home soon, safe and sound, and ready to hear the great news in person! Wait! Congrats.

I wouldn't tell him until he is done with the race or back home. It would certainly be a distraction, even if he's just excited and not worried. If it's seriously that dangerous, then it's not worth it to distract him. Good luck.

Let him focus on the race and tell him after it's all done. Men don't multi-task well. He'll come home to you safe and sound, don't worry. Congrats on the growing family!

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Based on the info you give I'd advise waiting unti he gets back if you can continue your conversations in the same manner and tone of voice as you have done so far.

I agree that knowing could take his mind off the race. And since you've had a miscarriage tellin him now would most likely cause him to worry, too, which also lessons ones ability to focus.

I also recommend that you keep a positive attitude. Nothing negative is going to happen to either one of you. Yes, realistically something might but the odds are in favor of a safe reunion. Focus on that. Having you worry and possibly feeling alone because you can't share could get you down which isn't good for you or the baby.

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I think it would be better to wait also for all the reasons you mentioned. I totally respect everyone's unique interests and lifestyles, but have you ever been a little unhappy that he might also be risking the family as a whole when he does these races? Extremely dangerous pursuits can sometimes reflect a self-destructive tendency, and it is possible that some self-reflection could do him and the family a lot of good.

I have recommended counseling to just about everyone for just about everything, so please don't take this recommendation as a hint that anyone is 'crazy' (I don't believe in that label anyway), but I think counseling has always been helpful for improving both family and marital relations. And it is always better to help *yourself* since you have no control over others -- and improving your self-understanding usually has a greater impact on those around you too.

Bottom line, my suggestion is that you (yes, YOU!) find a counselor ASAP to talk to and unload all your angst about having a husband who purposely does something that seriously risks his life. Chances are (since he is a guy) that he wouldn't be interested in this kind of thing anyway. But maybe you can find ways to cope and uncover your family's dynamics in the process. In my opinion, anyone who finds any reason to get into counseling is a lucky person because 99% of the world will usually find some benefit out of it, as long as they find a halfway decent counselor (local hospitals are good sources of recommendations).

Finally, pat yourself on the back for throwing this question out there to other moms. Looking for other perspectives and insights is the healthy mark of a good mom because it shows courage, open-mindedness, flexibility and humility. Take care, and best of luck to you all. (And hopefully your hubby will bring home the cup, too!) ;-)

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A.,

If it were me, I'd wait and give him the surprise when he gets home. Maybe prepare a meal with a baby theme. Baby back ribs, baby corn, baby carrots, baby whatever.

Good luck to you both,
M.

3 moms found this helpful

I would say wait until he gets home or is done with the race. Since this is his fourth year he probably knows the ropes pretty well and it is likely less dangerous than if it was his first time, so chances of bad stuff happening is less? However, if you tell him, it could distract him, and increase the danger. Plus, I think it would be more special to tell him in person rather than on the phone.

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I'm interested to see what others have to say, but my gut reaction was to wait to tell him. Here are my thoughts as to why:
- If everything continues along as planned, it will be wonderful for you to tell him face to face.
- If something happens to you or the baby, you can tell him later, according to the seriousness/severity of the situation.
- If something were to happen to him and you had told him, you would worry that it was because he wasn't focused on the race.
- If something were to happen to him and you hadn't told him, he'd still know. (Of course, that is my gut feeling, factor in your own thoughts/beliefs.)

God forbid any of the last three - many cyber-vibes to you and your husband!!

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds pretty clear cut to me. He needs to focus 100% for his own safety. Plan some awesome elaborate way to surprise him with the news when he gets home. Just be sure that you don't start telling others before him or he will feel like he missed out on something.

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Am I the only one concerned about the fact that your husband is doing this race in the first place? Why is a man with a wife and 2 children (and obviously trying for a third) risking his life in a race like this? I'd be more concerned about his dedication to his family than whether or not to tell him about the pregnancy.

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My husband used to be a crab fishermen. It can be very difficult deciding what to tell when. I would also counsel to wait till after the race is done but before the airplane ride home. Good news can often carry them home faster.

If you do miscarry again, know that he will be home soon. You are a strong capable woman. Reach out to your friends and family to bridge the gap till he gets there. If something happens to him, know that he probably knows that you are pregnant already instinctualy. We women smell and act subtly different long before we can take a test.

Try and take a big breath and relax. What is, is. What will be, will be. I would second the advice about counseling simply because I think it is so good for everyone. It's like spring cleaning for the soul. Lots of hard work, but the results can be so worth it!

Best of wishes,
K.

1 mom found this helpful

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I would recommend waiting til he gets home....what a wonderful surprise to come home to! I agree that he might be distracted with worry about you if you tell him during the race. I wish you & your family the very best!

1 mom found this helpful

I would wait...it's only a few more days.

1 mom found this helpful

My boyfriend and I are very much into motocross so I read your blog and immediately felt for you. My boyfriend has been in some pretty crazy racing situations so I can only imagine being involved in a race like this one!

My advice? DON'T TELL HIM TILL HE GETS HOME!!!!
No matter if he's happy or worried sick for you, it WILL AFFECT HOW HE RIDES!!! And with a race like that, I wouldn't risk it.

P.S. My boyfriend agrees. He says that he would imagine your husband would immediately slow down and just be a little more cautious which, in itself, could lead to disaster because he wouldn't be riding in his typical, comfortable, way.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do!! Can't wait to see the race on TV! :o)

I also HAD to comment on some of the other responses. I love that people find it so easy to judge others. A woman asks for a second opinion about her baby and people come running to judge her husbands hobby. It's disgusting! I love motorcycles, motocross, and everything related to it. That does not mean that I love my family any less. Period!

Listen to your intuition and choose whichever one you know is right.

Don't tell just wait until he is home safely.

Amen Leah R! There are many ways to enjoy your passion but your family should come first, period!

Maybe wait until after your first ob appointment when you know that things are progressing normally with your pregnancy. You may also let him know that you've told a small handful of people that are able to support you if you have any complications and that he doesn't need to worry. It's a tough situation for sure!

Yes, just wait. I do agree with the rest of the moms. I know about the race, I had a friend who nearly lost his life in it. No, he doesn't need any distraction. Let him enjoy the adrenalin from the race first and give him another adrenalin shout when he gets home. He won't know when you did the test, right? And stop thinking (both of you) of another miscarriage. Try to attract the good luck by seeing everything in a positive way. This is how the law of the attractions works. Good luck!

I would wait to tell him when he gets home. Take this time to focus on how you will tell him when he gets home. Think of a clever way to do it. The planning will keep you occupied and will move the focus off his race. Pray to God for his safety. It will lift the worry weight off you. Good luck.
(I liked Charlene and Melissa's responses,too)

Hello and congrats. I think stressing less will be best for you and the family. Do some relaxation techniques: Breathing, taking a bath, listening to music, laughing and singing w/ the kids. Ask out loud whether he would want to know yet or not. Then listen to your heart. Whatever answer you choose will be the right one for your family. When you choose, you'll all still be safe. A weight will be lifted and everyone can breathe again. Everything will be safe. Your husband has done this race 4 times and has a family so have faith that whether you tell him or not he will make good choices. With me sometimes news can fuel me to do better and sometimes not. Just remember everything will be ok if you take care of yourself first so you can be there for others. Think about when oxygen masks drop in a plane they always say: put on your mask first and then help others. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself first. Good luck and how exciting for your family!

wait to tell him is my vote

Wait... If it holds what a delight it will be to tell him. And if it doesn't, I know that you will be sad, but you don't want him to worry about it.

Congratulations and blessing for the new one!

Same here!LOL
I totally agree with the other ladies. Your hubby does need to be focused 100%. Stress is the very last thing you need for you and the baby.

Why not pamper yourself. OH...how about doing a little mini spa at home with your little girl. Your son can assist too. That would be fun! I had a spa birthday party for my daughter a few years ago, they had a blast. Soaked the feet, painted the nails...they loved it....(it's just a thought).

Anyways,
Congratulations.....
Take it easy and I hope that you have "stress-free" days til January 21st!

Hang on, sweetie. I know you want to share your news with the man you love... but as you said, he needs all his concentration to stay safe. And so do you. Your job right now is to take care of yourself. And if you tell him, and something does happen, you will forever wonder if it was your fault. As soon as that race is over, call him with the wonderful news.
My best wishes for a healthy happy hubby and new baby...

If it were me I would wait. It would be hard not to share the news with him, but you need him to stay safe and come home to this baby!!! You are right about him needing to stay focused. I am sure he will understand why you didn't tell him sooner.

I wouldn't tell him until he is done with the race or back home. It would certainly be a distraction, even if he's just excited and not worried. If it's seriously that dangerous, then it's not worth it to distract him. Good luck.

Wait! He will be home soon, safe and sound, and ready to hear the great news in person! Wait! Congrats.

A.,
Congratulations on your prengnacy. I too agree that you should wait for your husband to come home to tell him, so he can be 100% focused on the race. Myabe come up with some creative way to tell him. Make a dinner, and have it a baby theme, or lullaby music later on in the evening, or have it playing when he comes in the door... or something of that nature. Best of luck during your pregnancy and your family and husband our in my prayers, that your pregnancy turns out well, and you deliver a healthy happy baby and your husband makes it home safe.
Best of Luck!

You can't control what happens while you husband is racing. What you can control is whether or not to tell him something that may affect his performance and safty (and I think you're right to think that it would be a distraction for him). My advice is to not tell him. If you can't wait until he gets home, tell him the moment you know he's done with the race. If you can wait just a little longer, then make telling him a special event.

It sounds to me like either way...if something happens to him you will blame yourself in some way or the other. Is this the kind of news you want to tell him in person so you can see his face and he can celebrate with you? Or is just hearing his voice and telling him in a phone call good enough? God forbid something happens to him, would you want to know that he knew about the baby? If it wouldn't matter to you one way or the other then wait to tell him. I can NEVER keep it to myself no matter how hard I try, so I'd probably be calling him BUT then again if you want to see him in person and take him out to dinner upon his return and tell him....that's kind of romantic. Pray about it and get the answer you need. All in all as you read all these posts, subconsciously you already know what you hope we will tell you. When you find the post that supports that idea, that's what you'll do.

Let him focus on the race and tell him after it's all done. Men don't multi-task well. He'll come home to you safe and sound, don't worry. Congrats on the growing family!

I think you need to relax and not worry about what "could" happen! I realize it is dangerous, but you are carrying his baby, and he should know. Leave the rest up to God, and trust everything will be okay!!

I agree with others...wait to tell him but make it elaborate and special. Make him his favorite meal and surprise him in a special way. You don't want him to worry about you too.

J.
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A.,
CONGRATULATIONS! If it were me, I would wait to tell him until he gets home. This way, he can be completely focused on the race and not worried about you. Also, it would allow your other children to be excitd with daddy.
I wish you the best of health during your pregnancy!
M.

I would definitely wait and tell him in person. Let him keep his head in the game. Besides, don't you want to see his expression? :-)

You're caught between a rock and a hard place if you focus on all the bad what if's. This is a joyous event in your lives and one that deserves a face to face conversation. If you are in great health, watch what's going on with you and your activities, your kids are doing great... there's no reason to anticipate a problem. If you were to miscarry, you would be by yourself as it would take more than 15 minutes to get back to you. So the potential for a miscarriage and him getting home to you right away is not logical argument. It would have been prior to him getting on the plane for this race, but not at this point. Now, with the potential for something bad happening to him. The same thing could be said every morning he gets up and leaves for work. There's a potential for something bad to happen to all of us. But, if something were to happen, God forbid, your husband already knows how much you love him, how loved he is by your children, and you would have a guardian angel to watch over all 4 of you...new baby included. You've said distraction is not something that is needed at this time. So plan for a great homecoming. Lots of surprises. Positive thoughts for him, his race, you and this new baby.. who is obviously a product of great love and affection!!! Congratulations and best wishes.

i think if it were me, i would wait to tell him. Wait till he is on his way home or wait till he gets home and have some sort of special way to tell him, that might be fun.
it's up to you and what you think would be best, so once you make the decision, you should be happy with it. Hope all goes well, Best Wishes.
H.

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