35 answers

To Tell or Not to Tell.... - Ellensburg,WA

Ok so here's my dilema...I just found out i'm prego with baby #3 which is awesome. However, my husband is currently in South America doing a grueling 14 day motorcycle race, the Dakar Rally. I get to talk to him every day, but am not sure I should tell him now or wait til he gets home on Jan. 21. He will have been gone a total of 25 days. This is his 4th yr doing this race so it's nothing new to us. i had a miscarriage back in Sept of this yr so i don't know if i should tell him now and have him worry about me miscarrying again by myself. this is a very dangerous race and he needs to focus 100% on racing and staying safe. BUT, what if, God forbid, something does happen to him and i never got the chance to tell him about this baby. OR...what if i do tell him and something happens to him. i will think it was my fault by distracting him from the race and blame myself. HELP!!!! this really is a dangerous race. they lose at least one rider a year. they are racing thru the desert, andes mtns. you name it. so i'm not hormonal and freaking out for nothing. it's seriously dangerous.

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What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Wait! He will be home soon, safe and sound, and ready to hear the great news in person! Wait! Congrats.

I wouldn't tell him until he is done with the race or back home. It would certainly be a distraction, even if he's just excited and not worried. If it's seriously that dangerous, then it's not worth it to distract him. Good luck.

Let him focus on the race and tell him after it's all done. Men don't multi-task well. He'll come home to you safe and sound, don't worry. Congrats on the growing family!

More Answers

Based on the info you give I'd advise waiting unti he gets back if you can continue your conversations in the same manner and tone of voice as you have done so far.

I agree that knowing could take his mind off the race. And since you've had a miscarriage tellin him now would most likely cause him to worry, too, which also lessons ones ability to focus.

I also recommend that you keep a positive attitude. Nothing negative is going to happen to either one of you. Yes, realistically something might but the odds are in favor of a safe reunion. Focus on that. Having you worry and possibly feeling alone because you can't share could get you down which isn't good for you or the baby.

3 moms found this helpful

I think it would be better to wait also for all the reasons you mentioned. I totally respect everyone's unique interests and lifestyles, but have you ever been a little unhappy that he might also be risking the family as a whole when he does these races? Extremely dangerous pursuits can sometimes reflect a self-destructive tendency, and it is possible that some self-reflection could do him and the family a lot of good.

I have recommended counseling to just about everyone for just about everything, so please don't take this recommendation as a hint that anyone is 'crazy' (I don't believe in that label anyway), but I think counseling has always been helpful for improving both family and marital relations. And it is always better to help *yourself* since you have no control over others -- and improving your self-understanding usually has a greater impact on those around you too.

Bottom line, my suggestion is that you (yes, YOU!) find a counselor ASAP to talk to and unload all your angst about having a husband who purposely does something that seriously risks his life. Chances are (since he is a guy) that he wouldn't be interested in this kind of thing anyway. But maybe you can find ways to cope and uncover your family's dynamics in the process. In my opinion, anyone who finds any reason to get into counseling is a lucky person because 99% of the world will usually find some benefit out of it, as long as they find a halfway decent counselor (local hospitals are good sources of recommendations).

Finally, pat yourself on the back for throwing this question out there to other moms. Looking for other perspectives and insights is the healthy mark of a good mom because it shows courage, open-mindedness, flexibility and humility. Take care, and best of luck to you all. (And hopefully your hubby will bring home the cup, too!) ;-)

3 moms found this helpful

A.,

If it were me, I'd wait and give him the surprise when he gets home. Maybe prepare a meal with a baby theme. Baby back ribs, baby corn, baby carrots, baby whatever.

Good luck to you both,
M.

3 moms found this helpful

I would say wait until he gets home or is done with the race. Since this is his fourth year he probably knows the ropes pretty well and it is likely less dangerous than if it was his first time, so chances of bad stuff happening is less? However, if you tell him, it could distract him, and increase the danger. Plus, I think it would be more special to tell him in person rather than on the phone.

2 moms found this helpful

I'm interested to see what others have to say, but my gut reaction was to wait to tell him. Here are my thoughts as to why:
- If everything continues along as planned, it will be wonderful for you to tell him face to face.
- If something happens to you or the baby, you can tell him later, according to the seriousness/severity of the situation.
- If something were to happen to him and you had told him, you would worry that it was because he wasn't focused on the race.
- If something were to happen to him and you hadn't told him, he'd still know. (Of course, that is my gut feeling, factor in your own thoughts/beliefs.)

God forbid any of the last three - many cyber-vibes to you and your husband!!

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds pretty clear cut to me. He needs to focus 100% for his own safety. Plan some awesome elaborate way to surprise him with the news when he gets home. Just be sure that you don't start telling others before him or he will feel like he missed out on something.

1 mom found this helpful

Am I the only one concerned about the fact that your husband is doing this race in the first place? Why is a man with a wife and 2 children (and obviously trying for a third) risking his life in a race like this? I'd be more concerned about his dedication to his family than whether or not to tell him about the pregnancy.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband used to be a crab fishermen. It can be very difficult deciding what to tell when. I would also counsel to wait till after the race is done but before the airplane ride home. Good news can often carry them home faster.

If you do miscarry again, know that he will be home soon. You are a strong capable woman. Reach out to your friends and family to bridge the gap till he gets there. If something happens to him, know that he probably knows that you are pregnant already instinctualy. We women smell and act subtly different long before we can take a test.

Try and take a big breath and relax. What is, is. What will be, will be. I would second the advice about counseling simply because I think it is so good for everyone. It's like spring cleaning for the soul. Lots of hard work, but the results can be so worth it!

Best of wishes,
K.

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