To Have or Not to Have Another Child

I agree with others who have said do NOT deceive your husband. When I got married I wanted kids but my husband saw no point in having kids. I left birth control up to him (i.e., I never used birth control pills, etc. It was up to him to use condoms, etc.) We now have 4 children (15, 12, 5, and 3). None were planned, but we are both happy (and he seems more thrilled with each one). That approach worked for us, so perhaps taking the same approach will work for you, but don't just stop the BC without telling your husband.

1 mom found this helpful

Definaltley do not take that advice. It is never a good idea to intentionally bring a child into a family that is not wanted by both parents...even though I am sure he would love the child. I don't have advice on how to change his mind but I would avoid any type of deception.

1 mom found this helpful

You have to ask yourself is another child worth your marriage? Why won't he even consider it? It sounds like your son is a handful (As are both of my daughters!) and maybe he is scared that one more child may be too much for both of you. He may be right. If you are both deadset on opposite sides of this matter then maybe counseling would help. You can't change someone's mind when you don't know the reasons for his decision. I would NEVER stop birth control without telling him. Why be married if you have to lie to your spouse. Hopefully he will open up and be willing to discuss this matter, and you have to be willing to hear him out and possibly take his side and not have more children. I am an only child and turned out great!

1 mom found this helpful

Oh L., I know how painful this is. I have been there myself. My story works out in my favor. My husband was just as excited as I was when we learned we were having our 3rd child. And my conscience was clear because I know that I did nothing to manipulate the situation.

Think about how you would feel if your husband betrayed you that way. That's not what you want anyway, is it? No, you want him to want another child just as much as you do.

Share with him your heart one day when you can do so without being angry at his response. Don't try to manipulate with words. Just simply share with him how you feel. Then allow him to do the same if he will. My husband shared with me how sacred he was that he wouldn't be able to provide for us all. Our husbands need to know that we love them unconditionally. With or without children even when we want them so badly.

I believe in the power of prayer too. Ask God to open his heart to you. I know that whether you have 1 child or 100 children, your first priority has to be in loving your husband no matter what.

Try to focus on what you want in a positive way and of course be so very grateful for what you already have. In fact, I am making a list of at least 100 things that I am most grateful for in my life. This helps us to change our focus from what we don't have to what we do have. And remember, life is all about the journey not the getting to the end so fast.

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 13, 8 & 2 yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. I love to help other moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal!

1 mom found this helpful

Respect his wishes, and let nature take its course. Do not become preoccupied with this which will cause you to resent him. Talk about it and find out why he believes one is enough. If you married and discussed your family size before marriage and he's since changed his mind, maybe he has some fears or concerns about financial matters that you are not seeing. Maybe he's concerned about the amount of time he has available. Maybe if he's feeling like he's already taking a backseat in the household, he's not that interested in expanding the family size. But, you attacking him over it is going to only put him on the defense and makes for a very frustrating marriage. I've met couples who could not agree nor get past it and it severely affected the relationship. Is this really a deal breaker for you or can you be happy with what you have now? There are women who have children even past 40 so it's not an urgent matter at this time, but I would be curious as to why he is reluctant.

1 mom found this helpful

I would not stop the birth control. If he doesn't want a child you need to just wait it out, seek counseling maybe for your feeling resentful but i think the worst you could do is stop birth control and trick him.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,
Maybe this just doesn't feel like the right time for your husband. It should feel right for both of you. Give him some time and maybe he will come to want another baby also. I don't think it would be right to stop BC behind his back. That would take away the trust that marriage is suppose to have. After our son was born, my husband said one was enough also, but now he'd like another. Husbands have a lot of pressure to be the provider and I know my husband didn't think we could afford another at the time.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey L.: How about try another approach. Instead of coming to him with all your reasons to HAVE another child. Why not listen to him about his reasons why he doesn't. Men aren't wired with our desire to conceive and give birth and Mother. But WE have the ability to be compassionate to our men and let them be heard. He sounds like he needs you to hear him. It could be all kinds of very realistic reasons that we just don't innately understand.(His ability to provide, college $$, stress with another busy little one, etc) My husband was adamant that 1 was enough. I was unsure. And because I was the one on the fence - I really heard all his reasons. I didn't realize it was about the risk to me and a 2nd child because of my age and some genetic stuff that we avoided the 1st time. He said that getting pregnant again was too much of a risk for me and the baby and that he wasn't equipped to handle a child with major health problems. And he felt it would alter the life of our 1st child if that were to happen. I was on the same page when he expressed himself. We have one beautiful, healthy 3 1/2 yr old son. And he is perfect and enough !! I'm really glad I listened to him. And our little dude is getting independent and it is becoming more sane at our house. Our little family of 3 functions really well. I'm relieved we are almost out of diapers and that our financial resources will be adequate as we prepare for 1 going to college. And I can tell you - I've managed those "have another baby" pangs. They do go away. If ever I thought about another child - I thought about the reality and the risk for us. My husband loves this family - he could make this decision without those raging Mommy hormones talking - and I loved him enough to listen. I hope you can come to a solution that fits you both. Just don't go off the BC - that is a rally low tactic. Anyone willing to do that doesn't deserve their husband's trust. Cos it's not just about us -it'a about all of us as a family. Blessings, S.

1 mom found this helpful

Definately don't betray his trust and stop birth control. I think you're right and they're wrong.

When you start talking about a child, what do you discuss? Do you push for an answer or is it a give and take? Does he have legit concerns? Is he worried he can't love or provide for another child the way he loves and provides for this one? Were there any health issues during your pregnancy? Could he be worried about that? How old is your son? Could he be still adjusting to a child and be overwhelmed at the idea of two in diapers?

His answer may still be no, but at least you will have had the necessary discussion.

1 mom found this helpful

Deceiving your spouse changes your relationship. That is a major life altering decision for you to make alone. How will he ever be able to trust you again?

I'm not sure how old your son is, but if he is young, perhaps your husband just needs more time to separate the children. I've heard of people saying no when the kids are young and a lot more work but when they get to that point of being more self sufficient and better behaved, they become open to the idea again. You say he is giving you a "run for your money". Perhaps your husband doesn't want to increase the craziness. Maybe a little time will help things.

I'd suggest you keep trying to talk with your husband. Ask him to help you understand what it is that makes him say no so you can both be on the same page. Is it just that things seem too crazy right now? Be understanding that you differ in opinion and try not to make him feel like he has to defend his opinion... just help you understand. It is an emotional discussion, try to be open to his side and DONT bring your mom or girlfriend's opinion into it. Just because his mom wants another doesn't mean he has to.

Good luck and I hope you are able to get it worked out.

Liz

1 mom found this helpful

You really can't change his mind. I desperately want another child but my husband doesn't. There is no way that I would do anything to deceive him. And while I know that he would eventually love a child if we were to have another, he would also resent the situation.

You can hope that in time he will come around but be prepared for the liklihood that your child will be an only child.

1 mom found this helpful

L. - having another child has to be a "YES" on both sides. Stopping your BC also has to be a YES from both of you. Deception would only lead to serious resentment on HIS part. How old is your son? Let him get a little older, and your husband may come around. You have plenty of time, being only 30. I don't know if you are a praying woman, but the only way to change his heart is to pray for him! We only have one child, not by choice, but by the blessing of miscarriages (and yes, they were a blessing in disguise). Settle down with your son, and pray alot, and wait to see what happens with your husband. And don't listen to that "best friend" or mother-in-law!

1 mom found this helpful

Does he say why he is so set against another child? Maybe he feels like it would be too much to handle or maybe he is just afraid of changing the dynamics of your family. I would definitely not get pregnant without his knowledge. That can cause irreparable damage and what does that say about the trust and respect you should have for each others feelings. Have you told him how you are feeling? If he is not willing to talk about it you may need to seek counseling for yourself in order to deal with your feelings toward him.

1 mom found this helpful

I didn't have a chance to read all of the other responses yet, but I must say - get some marital counseling! As a divorce laywer, I can tell you that this is the kind of thing that can break up a marriage. Although I'd be happy for the extra work, I really hate to see marriages fall apart when they could be saved. Perhaps when your husband sees how much it means to you, he will come around. But the last thing in the world you want to do is deceive him by going off of your birth control without telling him. He has a right to know, if he is depending on you for that. I know you were just mentioning what others had suggested, but honesty is really the cornerstone of any marriage, so don't listen to them - they're not the ones who have to look your husband in the eye every morning and live with him for the rest of your life.

I completely know where you are coming from - I also wanted two children and we recently had our second. Having siblings gives the family a completely new dynamic and we feel more "complete" now. But that's because that's what we had both decided we wanted for our family. You and your husband have got to come to a meeting of the minds on this that you both can live with and be happy with.

If you need the names of some excellent marriage counselors, let me know.

1 mom found this helpful

Please heed the good advice below: Never deceive your spouse. Imagine how he could react if you turned up pregnant saying "Oops!" with a big grin on your face.

Ask yourself this: Are you willing to give up your marriage in order to have another baby you would then raise alone? Because if he is clearly set against having another child, that may be what happens if you go ahead and get pregnant, now or in the future. If another child is a deal-breaker for him, he may stay but be filled with resentment and never trust you again, or he may leave you because you will have broken his trust on a truly fundamental issue. It sounds like he's being clear with you, not ambivalent, and if he has given you reasons and thought it through (even if you don't agree), it's better than his waffling and saying "maybe" and leaving you hanging.

Maybe you can change his mind eventually. But do you want to spend the rest of your marriage trying to change him? Would you want to spend it with him trying to change you? I like Erin's idea of officially tabling the issue for X months or even a year (be sure he knows you're doing this intentionally and that you plan to bring it up again later and expect him to really talk about it when you do, not shut down). It's a discussion he should be willing to have with you, to be fair to you, and he should be willing to lay out his thoughts an specific concerns and not just say "No." If you feel resentful, you should let him know that and work it through, maybe even with a counselor. But you also have to be fair to him, and clear about your own reasons for wanting a child and how you would handle having two (Is he worried about finances? Paying for college? The stress on your marriage if you have two kids to handle? Is he older than you and concerned about being an older dad? Are you addressing specific concerns of his or just saying "I want another child"?).

Also, even if you have frank and full discussions, if he persists in saying no, please don't bank everything on "He'll change his mind someday." You could end up spending years longing, when you could instead spend that time enjoying the one child you have now. Explore what life would be like with your one child for a while longer before you have that talk again. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

If you trick him into having another baby you will ruin your manage and could end up with 2 kids on your own. You should probably go to counseling together and bring it up there. He may have reasons for not wanting another child that he is having a hard time explaining to you (like fear of not being able to provide for a bigger family or more loss of time with you) and through counseling you can reach some middle ground. Lots of luck.

1 mom found this helpful

No, do not trick him into having another child. That is a disaster for any marriage and I can't believe YOUR MIL suggested it!

You don't say how old your son is and you are only 30. I would tell your husband that you really want to have another child and you understand that he doesn't right now. I would also try to find out what are his concerns with having a second child.

I would then agree to table the issue for 3 months or 6 months and not raise it in the meantime. I can't imagine that nagging will improve either your marriage or convincing your husband that having a second child will be a joyous occasion. At best, he would capitulate, but likely resent you and the child for it.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree that he should take part in the birth control by using condoms. If your BC should fail you will be excited and he could think you did it on purpose. My husband was reluctant for the third one and needed time to consider it.

I wish I could talk to you in person. First I would not deceive him by stopping the BC also try and lay down your wants as it's better to have him stay with you then leave because he can't handle the new child. Also pray pray pray just try to ask God to remove the desire from you.

Wishing for more myself

I would try and bring him around babies. Then wip out baby pictures of your son and do the remeber when conversations. Really talk about how you miss it and and point out how you think another child could help in your family. But before talking ty praying that your words would be receptive from him and that God will open his mind and heart to hear what yiu are turely trying to say!

Hi L., It doesn't sound like your husband is trying to truly hear you. You are so right in trying to talk to him about this because it would be wrong to stop BCP without him agreeing to father another child. Whenever I need my husband to truly listen to my concerns, I either email him or write him a letter explaining my feelings and that usually opens up the lines of communication where we can talk without him shutting down on me. If worse comes down to worse, you can look into counseling for yourself first, then you can decide whether he should attend with you. I understand wanting to have another child. After having our first child, we decided together that we would want to have another one right away and ended up getting pregnant when our son was 9 months old. It's a wonderful thing to see your kids grow up together. Now that they are 3 years old and almost 2, I'm thinking I might want another child. I'm crazy I know. Hang in there.

DO NOT throw away the BC. Having a second child is not a decision for you & your MIL or for you & your best friend. It is a decision for you & your hubby! I feel for you - I understand your desire to have a second child. BUT - you should not decieve your husband into being a father again. Try to find out why he thinks one child is enough.
you didn't say how old your other child is or how long you have been married. Maybe these are some factors in your husband's decision. Ask if he thinks he will change his mind. Are you an only child - is your husband an only child??? If not - share the happy memories of having siblings. If your husband was an only child and you weren't - show him pictures, tell him stories of your memories as a sibling. If your husband had siblings - try to get him to express what he liked about having siblings.
And finally - maybe your husband is worried that he can never love another child as much as he loves the son you now have. Reassure him that we love each of our children differently because each is an unique individual BUT that no one child is ever more loved or more important than the other and that the human heart has an endless capacity for love.
Good luck.

Have the baby. My husband didn't want to have any more kids after our daughter was born but BC failed with the second... He absolutely loves her to death. Well then I was feeling incomplete. We always had said that three would be a good number for kids... He didn't want another kid AT ALL. I stopped BC and we had our son. It has been 6 years since our youngest was born and it is all good.

I will say this. I knew that my husband loves kids and wouldn't ever resent me or my decision to have them. I also knew that no matter what, he would move the world for them. Know your husband well enough to consider his reaction.

Good Luck.

Definitely DON'T go off of birth control without letting him know- that's a horrible idea!!

You guys need to have a serious conversation about this and you need to find out specifically what his problems are with having another child. If he hears your point of view, it could help sway him to your side. However, forcing him into it by "accidentally" getting pregnant is just awful!!

Well i have a 6yr old and we have been trying for 4yrs for another i just found out I'm pregnant. My husband wasn't for it at first. But i told him One child is easier with another one. I understand where you would think stopping the BC would be deceiving but if you think he would father the sec. child well if he didn't know you stopped to have it i would. But you need to know he thinks your on it and if he knew he might be mad or divorce you if you got pregnant and refuse to pay support.