To Have a 3Rd Child or Stop at 2...feel So Torn :

This is such a personal question. My DH and I have always just wanted 2. We have a boy and a girl, 4 and 6 respectively. The 2nd pregnancy was SO much harder on me while running around after a toddler. I work full time in a demanding career. No one usually mentions this, but my career DID take a hit from my decision to become a mother. I did have to recalibrate and adjust my career. I went to an employer that was much more family friendly. I certainly do not regret my decision and my career has since recovered, but the hit was there.

I am now 37. We are able to support 2 children quite nicely. I have college savings plans set up for both of them. We have a home that fits us nicely. Although I sometimes have those "twinges" when I see a baby, the reality is that I don't want to go through pregnancy and the newborn/infant zombie months again. My kids are now both potty-trained and they are able to do more for themselves now. I cannot imagine going back to diapers again.

For us, the right thing is to stop at 2. I say that I cannot imagine being more blessed than I am now. If I were 25 and finances were different, perhaps I would have a different perspective.

I raised two stepchildren. I used to observe parents of three and say "never!". When my SD was 17 and SS 20, I had my one-and-only biological. I have NEVER regretted not having more children.

When in doubt ... DON'T.

I have three and there are times (and they were even more numerous and almost constant) that I think I should have stuck with two. Not that I don't love my youngest child .. I do. But he's got adhd, anxiety and asperger syndrome. As much as I love my son, it's exhausting sometimes ... even now.

And when he was younger and only sleeping 6 hours a night and not napping ... the exhaustion was even worse.

Whatever you decide be sure it's REALLY what you want. If you're unsure ... then DO NOT have another baby until you ARE sure.

I considered having another baby. Got the "urge" and everything.

I got a kitten instead. Urge is gone.

I stopped with one child for a multitude of good reasons, and I never regretted not having more. I have quite a few middle-aged and older women friends (I'm now 64) and we have talked for long, long hours about our families, our hopes and wishes and disappointments.

I have NO older friends who regretted, ultimately, stopping with one or two children. They did have to deal with "baby cravings" that came and went, and were sometimes very strong. (Thanks, Mother Nature!) I have several older friends who wish they had stopped with fewer. Not just one fewer, but sometimes two.

Every single mom who regretted one or more of their children loved them deeply and would never have given them up. But they would admit, maybe after a couple of glasses of wine, how very hard some of those pregnancies or infancies were/are on them physically and emotionally. A few of those kids had/have special needs, or demanding personalities, or physical handicaps, which have caused real heartache and stress in the parents for far longer than 18 years of childhood.

Most families who have even a challenging or unplanned child do manage to accommodate them happily and consider them a blessing. But based on talking to probably at least a hundred mothers over many years, the advice to "go ahead and have another, you'll never regret it," is simply untrue. I doubt that the women I talk to are maternally deficient – many of them have lived, or are still living, lives of ongoing sacrifice for the sake of their children.

And then there's the environment that must support all of our children and their children, for centuries into the future. I know that lots of people believe the climate change alarm is some sort of hoax, and that we can go on living prodigally and making big families forever. But one of my reasons, way back in the 70's, for stopping with one child is that even then, I could see the effect on the Earth and on society of population pressures. The situation is many times worse now, but we tend to see only what we've always known, so if the world around us is already crowded, degraded and depleted, or if we live with low-level pollution or impossible traffic every day, we simply don't know how much better it was two generations earlier.

So, my suggestion is that you really consider whether another baby is a "must" for you. Real life has a way of changing our long-term hopes and plans, and you're wise to wonder about that before it's too late to decide otherwise. Whatever your future, I sure do wish you happiness.

When I only had my first two kiddos, a M. (on here, actually) told me that she was at the same crossroads at one time in her life and she decided not to go for the third... she was then in her late 40s and said it was a decision she had continued to regret to that day. She said you will never "not want" your thrid once he or she is here but you may forever regret NOT having another one. We had not EVER planned on 3, and we were verbally adamant about only having 2. I only started to question it when my husband went in to get "snipped" and he was signing the paperwork. If you feel like maybe something could be "missing" from your family, go for it. We did :) I felt like, when I imagined the faces at the dinner table in 10 years, someone would be missing without that third. Ours our 3, 6 and 7 and our littlest one has the most awesome personality... we couldn't imagine life without her.

You have time. I had my third (she was a surprise) at 39. I love having three. And it was definitely a blessing not having to "decide". If you do financial spread sheets and logic there is never time or money for a third. (or second or first). If you have them though, it all works out. I mean think about it, do you know one single family who was just fine but then spontaneously combusted when their last child came along? Don't worry about it. If you have one more it will be great. If you don't it will be great. But try not to dwell on negativity and fear, just the blessings each case will provide. There is something to be said for having two older ones and feeling fulfilled already. I was sort of anxious in my heart when I only had two, and then relieved when the third popped up. Also, I was still in baby mode with all the gear, so the third was no big adjustment. It would have been harder if my older two were more independent I think. But baby stage is so temporary, it's no reason to give up a whole new family member for the future...tough call! Blessings in your choice~

Having 3 kids IS overwhelming sometimes. :) That said, it is pretty special too. :)
I always wanted 3, and did not feel like things were complete with 'just' the 2. (I love them dearly, they were not the problem.) I was not ready to say goodbye to having another little person.
My 3rd pregnancy was the hardest of the 3, and I ended up with a c-section, due to the placenta letting go too soon. (Not a good day!) Little guy and I were OK, but that was scary. I think if it had been my second, then we might have stopped at 2. (I was 32, so age should not have been a big factor.)
I will not lie. It has been a challenge to get used to another baby. The first 2 are 2 years apart, then little guy is 3 years behind. We had not had diapers in the house for over a year - and that is something that you don't miss. :)
The bigger kids do a great job with their little brother. He gets into their stuff - but they are pretty tolerant of it, as they seem to get that he is still learning.
Kidlet #3 was my idea- husband would have been totally fine with 2. We had a girl then a boy - so all we needed was a dog to be a 'perfect' family. (Ha ha - That logic has always escaped me. I never cared about the gender of the kids - it is what it is.)
For me, I did not feel like my life was complete without this little one. There is no logic in the world that would have convinced the part of me that did not feel complete. For me, it would have been a huge regret for long term - even though it would have been easier and less expensive. I love the first two kids - but it is not about them. Little guy has arrived, and provides his own challenges, but now I am OK with the idea that he is the last. I can get rid of baby items as he grows past them. There is no longer the question of if we are done. We just are. I can let go of each stage as we pass it, and not feel like I need to do it again. I never understood this feeling when watching my friends, who stopped having kids before me. How could they be OK with letting that stage of life go into the past? Now that I am there, I understand. Until I had 3 though, it was not something that I understood. :)
Not quite the answer to your question - but my take on our situation. I hope it helps. :)

I spent the last 1. 5 years being torn over having a 3rd. We finally decided to start trying in January. Well, I am still not pregnant. Yes, I know, it's only been a few months, but with the other two, it was quick, first time each time. I literally drove myself nuts over this. We were thinking about trying for many months, but every month I would say "get the condom!" I would then cry, and cry.

I finally decided that life is too short to not follow my heart. It feels right to be trying, but since nothing is happening, I am starting to feel sad.

I will be 40 in a few months. I know I will be exhausted. I know I will be overwhelmed. I know I will spend the 1st trimester wishing I had not gotten pregnant. Yet, when I listen deep down, I know the answer: I want another baby.

Listen deep down. Ignore the pluses and minuses, look at your hubby, have a bottle of wine, and just listen to your heart. It won't lie. Everything else is noise.

To be honest with you, I've never met a mother who regretted having another baby. Not saying things were easy, but couldn't imagine their life without that child.
I do have 3 children, always wanted 3 but for a long time, thought it would just be my two. There is almost a 10 year gap between #2 and #3. I did have my older children in my 20's. So having my 3rd in my 30's was different. Not that I was any more stable but wiser for sure. I tied my tubes after #3, because I felt that I couldn't afford another one. I regret that. I think I should of had 4 kids, because my youngest has 4 parents, not really a sibling his age to play with. Don't get me wrong, he loves his brother and sister and plays with them all the time, he forgets he's only 5 and they are 15 and 17. I think he things he's as strong and big as they are. So I think it would be good for him to have a sister or brother the same age.

So my situation is a little different than yours. It's really something you should talk to your husband about. Asked him to be honest with you and be honest with him. Give yourself more time to just think, don't go off your bc quite yet, because I don't think you are ready.

Hugs going out...

We were SOOOOO on the fence for #3. I thought for sure with #2 I was done...but I didn't FEEL done. I really felt that something was MISSING. We finally decided to have #3 and BAM I was pregnant...it was like God was just waiting for me to wrap my brain around it and when I did...his plan was put in motion.

My oldest girl is 11, then I have an 8 yo girl and my son is now 4. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I had that feeling of being "done". Everyone asked if the child was a girl if we would try for a boy "again". (REALLY irked me...as if our girls weren't enough...but anyway that's another post) NOPE it didn't matter I was sure that my family was whole and completed with this child.

There are times when I think to myself...I WAS CRAZY LOL...lil boys are sooo rambunctious!! There is no way I'd trade him though...you will never regret the 3rd, but you MAY regret not having a 3rd. Either way you will adjust.

As for not having enough time for three...bull!! You can make time for your children that's just silly. Children add love to a family they don't compete for it.

I wish you joy and peace with whatever decision you make.

It sounds like you are happy with 2 boys you have and that is great to be happy with what you have. Life sometimes changes our original plan :-) I am in a far different place than I would have expected 10 years ago...that is not necessarily bad. It just means as life happens, your original plans sometimes change. Once you thought of an ideal family as having 3 kids. Now you just said your two are getting easier, you are enjoying going anywhere doing anything etc. I read your post and hear you are happy with 2 and did not hear any longing for a third..just doubt because once you thought that was what you wanted?

You definitely have time..trust me.

I wasn't even married by 34..

I think when your kids are really little, having another baby seems like it could be a good idea. Then, when they get older, you think, "WOW am I glad I didn't have any more!" At least, that's how it is for me. Now that I am having to pay for ballet lessons x2, summer camp x2, contemplating private school tuition x2, heck, even clothing tweens x2 (ever noticed the price of UGG boots??), orthodontics x2 (almost fell over when I realized it will be nearly $10K EACH KID), I am super glad we stopped at 2 instead of having 3! Even simple things like going out to dinner and feeding them, or going on a family vacation. I just booked a hotel for a weekend family getaway, and if we had a third child, I'd have had to book a second hotel room. Ouch. Like I said, when they're preschoolers, you are in this mommy haze where you think, oh, I could be like the Duggars and have a kazillion kids - we could make it work! And then once your kids can tie their own shoes and make their own peanut butter sandwiches and brush their own teeth, you think, oh good lord, so glad I don't have a kid in diapers right now! ;)

I was in your same boat a few months ago, but now expecting #3. Honestly, while I was the one who could be done at two (my husband wanted one more), I was not at peace. While the thought of three was and still is terrifying, the thought of regretting the decision not to have one more, was just slightly more terrifying. I guess i'm relieved we accidentally got pregnant. Its kind of like when I broke up with my fiance and then changed my mind and wanted to get back together (because I was so sad without him, yet he was still the wrong one for me). He came back with his decision, that he did not want to get back together. The thing that surprised me most was an overwhelming sense of RELIEF. Thats kind of how I'm feeling about #3. A sense of relief that the decision is made and I no longer have to agonize about it.

You seem fine with 2 children.
Sure, you'd handle it if an "oops" or planned 3rd came along.

I have 2 kids. I have thought of having 3.
But I KNOW, that my two are enough.
I have a boy and a girl. So maybe that is why. I am fortunate to have one of each gender.
But if I had an 'oops' 3rd, then so be it.
But I do actively prevent, a 3rd.

As far as age, you are not old.
I had my 1st child when I was older than you. But in my 30's.
My kids were fortunately, conceived naturally and planned.

I don't think, that any woman would "regret" having a 3rd. Whether or not it is planned or not.

I think, you have to decide, "WHY" you always thought of having three children.... is it both you and your Husband's wishes? Or just yours? For example.

And if you are just missing being pregnant... well, that is something many women go through once their existing children are growing up. It is like a form of "empty nest" syndrome.
So you have to figure that out too.

I know a lot of friends, who have a 3rd child. But the 3rd came about because they were HOPING for an opposite gender than they already have. So now, they have all boys, for example. No girl. I even know a family with 4 children... and it was because they kept hoping for an opposite gender. But no luck. All 4 of their kids are the same gender.

I had always known that three was how many I wanted. It IS overwhelming! Sometimes I think, "what have I gotten myself into?" In fact, I thought that throughout the pregnancy! I have two boys that are 6 and 9, so it's been a while since I have had a baby in the house.
We went ahead and had the third. You don't know what the future holds or whether you will win the lotto, make fantastic business decisions and make more money! The future is not something that can be planned.(IMHO)
I had my daughter 14 months ago and she has been tough. I wouldn't change it for the world. I am happy at 3.
L.

Since both you and your husband are working, a third child indeed might be overwhelming. If by chance you can stay home for the next 5 years and parent the child to school-age, then go for it. I've been a stay at home mom for 7 years now with my 3 children. I love it, but it has it's difficult moments. It's been very tough having 3 (especially since my kids don't sleep well until age 2), but for me it would have been insane if I was trying to work and parent them. I always knew I could be replaced in an instant at work, but I was irreplaceable in the home. Good for you for thinking this through before planning a child. Going from 2 kids to 3 really is a big leap. Nurse Midwife Mom of 3

One of my greatest regrets in life is not trying for a third when my 2nd was about two. My life was in turmoil back then, and it just never felt like the "right" time.

By the time it was the "right" time my ovaries were done.

I'm at peace with it now, but it bothered me for a long time. I took my fertility for granted.

I hope you can come to the best decision for your family. Good luck.

We decided to go for the 3rd....but...

...we were finacially OK to do so

...we stuck with the 2 years in between each child

...we didn't require outside daycare so that wasn't a factor for us

...I was younger so I didn't feel pressured (I am 34 now and my 3rd is 4 y/o)

...we had 2 boys and REALLY wanted a girl (which we got, although I secretly wished for 3 brothers, always thought would be just SO perfect...Shh! Don't tell husband :)

~I agree that I have never met anyone who would admit to regretting having a child but you sound like you guys are on the road to being done...there is nothing wrong with that girl....just go with your heart!

I was on the fence about a 3rd child as well, I felt that an odd number would make things difficult and I felt the two we already had were such great friends that a 3rd may cause conflict for attention. My hubby finally just looked at me one day and said, "I think we should do it" and I reluctantly said, "ok". I am now a mommy to 3 kids and all my fears/doubts/worries etc... have totally gone out the window. I feel that if we didn't have our 3rd child in our family, it would feel empty. She plays with the other two amazingly and the older two have accepted her with open arms. In my case, it proved to be a great thing and as reluctant as I was, i was clearly wrong in my feelings. I jumped in with both feet and love having 3 kids, it's not too many and not too few in my opinion:)

I have 2 children & wondered the same thing about a 3rd. Around that time, I just happened to be talking to a dad of 3 at the park one day. He said he didn't realize how much adding the 3rd would take away from the time he & his wife could spend with his older 2 children & seemed really upset about it. I don't know if this will help you or not, but at the time I was really praying about it, so his completely unsolicited comments really felt like an answer to my prayers. We decided to stay with 2 for many reasons, but this stranger really helped me make peace with it. I still would love to have more in theory, but we have ultimately been happy with our decision. And everyone I know with 3 kids feels overwhelmed when the kids are little, so if you decide to go for it you would be in good company :-)

Lots of luck!

I think you answered your own question. :) I always thought I wanted a third child but have come to terms that I am 37, we are financially stable right now and I am ready to start enjoying them, taking vacations, activities, etc. We pay a lot for daycare and would have to move them if we had a third plus we would have to cut out eating out and other things we like to do. And like you mentioned, I am over 35, so risks are higher. I am having a hard time making it "official" but I think it's hard for any woman to make that final call. My former boss had 2 boys and when they tried for a girl, ended up with twin boys! I'm not up for that risk either !! I have 2 awesome boys and have a blast with them. I was meant to be a mom to boys :) (and never thought in a million years it would happen but mine both ended up with blue eyes!)

For me, unless I could raise the child myself (and I had wonderful providers for my first 2), I wouldn't want more. Everyone is different, I realize and I would never judge otherwise. I am pregnant with #8, so I understand the feelings you have for sure. Once they are here though, those feeling always fade. I have to mention too, that my own brother and sister are two of my best friends. God Bless and I will keep you in my prayers.

Per your last senenteces - I say go ahead and play roulette :) tehehe

Sounds like you have made up your mind already :) No where in your post does it have the positives, so I would not make a conscious decision to bring along #3. We adopted so we control the number. The kids have asked for another, but so happy with 3 and 5...feel like we've turned a corner. Naps are done, I feel like I am getting my life/routine back, toilet training is done, they are really fun little beings that need my attention before they head off to school...IMO,

Although I do not have two children already, I continue to be on the fence on having a second child. My son is 8, and I am 33 years old. I always told myself that I didn't want to have a baby after I am 35 years old. For me, it's for medical reasons then age. So I understand your predictment.
We are in the same boat. I am on BCP as well.

I can say that we would not have been able to provide for two kids until this year, as well as have room for another child. So, now that we are in the process of finding another home, and my husband has a different job are we even considering having another child.

So, needless to say I am unsure too. I know though that if I just have my son, I woudn't regret not having another child. My son is healthy, happy, and the light of my life. Being pregnant again does scare me. I had many issues during my first pregnancy, so I am kind of scared to try again, honestly. So, yes I think I would rather have a surprise then a planned pregnancy. I think in some ways it's like the decision was made for you. ( my son was) Its much harder when you have to make it, isn't it!

I would suggest to pray on it for awhile and don't put a limitation on yourself. Make a decision when you are ready, and with no regrets either way. You will know what to do, as will I.

Having a third is definately not an easy decision for most. This is a great website & resource.
http://www.havingthreekids.com/

I would lose my mind if I had three! However, if BOTH of you are on board -then do what you really want to do. Remember, a plan made before kids or 10 years ago or whatnot doesn't have to be followed -you can always change your mind. You most likely have a bit of time as well. I had my kids at 36 and 38. You may want to give it another year to see how you're feeling. See if you spend the year yearning whenever you see little baby things and pregnant women and infants -or see if you feel some relief that you don't have to deal with a newborn or an infant anymore. You don't want to wait forever, but give yourself a little time to see how you truly feel.

I have two beautiful boys and our financial situation isn't the best either but my husband and I would like tot try one more time for a girl and even if we don't get a girl we will stop with three. My belief is even though we aren't well off with money we always make do with what we have. There is always room for another baby for us and I can't wait til I get to start trying again. My boys are almost 1 and 2 years old. lol I did have mine really close, actually 366 days. :) Our oldest birthday is actually the 31st and the youngest is April 1st. At times it's stressful especially since my husband is a Soldier in the Army and I am a stay at home mom. We plan on trying to start for number three when our youngest is 2. My goal is to have number three before I turn 30, but that isn't for another 6 years. lol. I don't and would never regret anything. I wouldn't even regret it if when I do get my tubes tide and I am blessed with a 4th child for some reason my tubes tied didn't work. :) Good luck. :)