To Baby or Not to Baby?

Hi R.,

I totally understand how you are feeling with this topic. I also had a son who was born at 31 wks and was in the nicu for almost a month. I did end up getting pregnate and had my next baby at 37 wks which was a great. The doctors have great medication they can put you on at about 24 wks pregnate and sometimes it works to prevent another early baby.
How i feel about the Britney Spears comment is you will only get like that if you let yourself. I would love to email you and chat with you if you want. It is always helpful to have support when you do get pregnate and especially a high risk pregnancy. my email is ____@____.com

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R.,
First let me say that I feel for you deeply. I can not imagine having to go through that with something so small and so precious. I can tell you that have never had to deal with something like that. My second son was induced a 4 weeks earlier than due date because of the fear of him being so large and the fact that I was so large. I did not have ANY appetite and ate very small amounts of fruit to eat, but still just packed on the pounds. Even at being born 4 weeks premature, he was still 6 lbs 6 oz. He too suffered from GERD and was a absolute miserable child until the age of 2. WOW! Was he just miserable! He too was a high maint. child. So, I can say I know how that goes.
Now, as far as babysitters... I to had a hard time with that. Mostly because I just am of the philosophy that "No one will take care of my child as well as I will. It only takes a second for something bad to happen." My family are the same as yours. I have 2 babysitters. One is a neighbor across the way. We will actually loose her this year because of Graduating and going off to College. The other is a young lady that works at the local day care center. We actually found her through sports. I would suggest calling your local churches for their "babysitter list". You can then call the individuals and interview them. Also check with your local Day Care centers. They already have background checks and I am sure some of the employees would love to baby-sit on the side. Why I think this is so important is for a few reasons. First.... you and your husband need "Alone/Date time". It really does a wonder to your marriage! Even if it is once a month... just get out for some time with just you and he. Second it is/will be good for your daughter to be around someone other then yourselves. Both emotionally and socially.
Next, I do not think you need to worry about what they may turn into, because just the fact that your care this much now, before even conceiving another child shows. I think if society did not have children because of the fear of what they would turn into, then I think there would never be any children. (But, this is a very natural feeling and I can tell you it gets worse and more intense with each child.)
As far as the freedom back. HOLY COW!! Do I know that feeling. It really never goes away. Well, not yet anyway. I was so ready for freedom before my princess came about. My last was going to K and I was looking for job where I could still put them on the school bus and be home from school when they got home. but, then she came a long and I am home with her. Not to complain. I LOVE being a SAHM! Even more, my kids are at the age where they to tell me how much they love me being at home for them.
As far as your fear of the pregnancy. It is also natural. My little sister had a ton of problems with Pregnancy. She miscarried 10 times, had 2 VERY difficult almost full term pregnancies. Her first one she was in the Hospital the last 4 months to try and keep her going into premature labor. I also have a friend who's story is a bit like you. Her first son was born premature and they spent 3 months in the NICU with him. Matter of fact... his/her Baby Shower that we planed, wound up being a meet the baby shower. She was actually advised against having children. Long Story short, she had another son and while the pregnancy was a bit scary, she gave birth to a full term little boy who is no 7.
I was told long ago that I would always have to have a C-section with any children, if I could even conceive because of my small pelvis. I use to be 105 lbs and 5'2. All 3 of my children I gave birth to Vaginally without ANY complications! The Diabetes, you can overcome that with natural supplements IF it returns in your next pregnancy.
And as far as a C-section, I know a ton of woman who have had them. Some who prefer them and say they would NEVER do it naturally. Some who struggled with the drugs for the pains and sleeping. So, I think that you should not worry about that until you reach that bump in the road. I think that this is all rather natural for you to be thinking, compteplating and trying to find out. The whole fact that you are posting this to find advise and information shows that you are heading in the right direction. You sound like a awesome mother and I think a awesome friends. And... who cares about the spelling! That is what spell check is for LOL....
Feel free to email me with any questions, extra advise, shoulder to lean on, shoulder to bounce ideas off of. R., you are a great mom and whatever decision you make will be the right one! Just do not let fear keep you from experiencing the joys of children and family!
Jenn
Mama to Bryce~9 Austin~6 Taylor~14 mnths
Step mama to Nich~15 Christian~14

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The choice in wether to have another one really depends on you. My best friend had a baby who was severly premature, Her next one was full term. Usually once you have such and early baby, they know to watch you more carefully. As long as you have some support system in place, someone to help with your other child while you are in the hospital, then if you are ready, go for it.As far as no time for yourselfs, I am in the same situation. There isnt anyone really that I trust with my kids except relatives, and not even all of them. So me and my husband, who have been married for 11 years,only got time to ourselves very rarely. But I wouldnt trade the time that I have gotten to spend with my kids for the world. They do grow really fast, seems like just yesturday I was bringing my first home. She is now 13. We ahve just started going out again. Now that our daughter is old enough to babysit for a little while. Where do you live? If you ever need anyone to talk to e mail me, we can chat.My email address is ____@____.com

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Sounds to me that you need a good friend support group. Being here is the first place to find it. I am also 26 years old. I have a 5 year old who was very ill at birth till about 12 months. He had gestational reflux, jandise, RSV disease, he stopped breathing twice and he was hooked up to a sleep apneia machine until 12 months. My second who is now 7 months old I had by c-section because my pelvis was too small. C-section is scary but when I look at my baby it makes it all worth it. To answer your question to baby sitting, what area are you in? My mother in law lives in the Pittsburgh area and is a professional child care giver. She is a Christian women with great morals who plays alot of activities with the children that she cares for. She is great. Also if you are having trouble finding a sitter maybe try play dates with other mothers. It is a great way to relax without worring about finding a sitter. My husband and I live in Ellwood City, Pa we are always looking for new friend contacts to get toghther with because I am sure you know that your friendships change once you have children. If you are interested in child care or a play date let me know. We sound like we have alot in common. And let's face mom's need to have time to just be the women that we are every once in a while. Best of luck to you and good luck with your desion whatever you may choose.

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Oh, honey! If we all turned into Britney Spears when we had children, the human race would have died out long ago! Thankfully, the vast majority of mothers are just fine! :) While you certainly went through quite a bit to have your beautiful little daughter, you know that it was all worth it. If you had to go through any problems again, you'd feel exactly the same way. No matter what we go through to have our children, it's always worth it! Only you and your husband can really know whether it's right to have another child, so just communicate and if you decide to have another, just grin and take the leap. I learned long ago not to fret too much about the "what if's".

Let me just say that every baby is different since your first gave you so much trouble you have a 50/50 shot of not experianceing all of that again....If you are worried that you can't handle two don't worry you will find you pace and probally get frazzled alittle but hey you are a mom and we do that sometimes...as for have gestaional diabeties you don't know yet and as for a c section you don't know yet....now my point if you want another baby have one if you are on sure wait...I have three and only really wanted two but i was supprised when i had my third (i was on bc and it didn't work) but now that i have the three i wouldn't have it any other way and it is a challange but i love it....Good luck...mom of three ages 6,3,5 months

Each child speaks to a different part of you that you didn't know was lonely.

I don't know a whole lot about the problems that you had but I'll tell you what, the second pregnancy goes so fast that it'll be over and done with before you know it. My kids are 18months apart and they are wonderful with each other. Brendon is 21 months old and Katelyn is 3 months. It is so worth it to have a second even with the fears. Good luck and please let us know what happens :)

When in doubt wait. You're young and have plenty of time. My two youngest are 3 years apart and have tons of fun together. She was mature enough when he was born to understand mommy had to see to other things. She was also potty trained and able to be a good helper. So, no rush. On the other hand, my oldest daughter is 10 years older than our middle child. I do not recommend having a teen and a preschooler. So... somewhere between 3 and 6 years difference is ideal in my opinion.

Hi R.. You are a hoot. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that having another child is always a good idea!(obviously I'm biased, here) I love kids, but I couldn't imagine having a toddler and a baby at the same time. It seems like so much work that it wouldn't be much fun. My kids were all unplanned, but luckily,they all had at least five years between them. Ten years between my daughter and my last son. Some people think that is too much time between them and they won't be close, but nothing could be further from the truth. This way, they really don't fight with each other, they all had my undivided attention when they were little, and they can really help out as far as caring for each other. My daughter is fourteen, and my son is three. She babysits for me. I get an excellent babysitter who loves her little charge, and she gets the money I would have given someone else to babysit. Just some food for thought! Enjoy your little one! Oh yeah, I wanted to mention that with my last baby, I had gestational diabetes too only I had to take insulin 3 times a day, and I ended up having an emergency C-Section too. It was scary at the time, but I didn't feel a thing, and it was all worth it to get my son.

H Racheal,

My advice to you is to do what you want to do. I had my children 18 mos apart. It was not necessarily planned that way. We started trying early because it took us a long time to have the first one and I wanted them to be about 2-21/2yrs apart. However they are 18 mos apart and it was fine for me because they did everything together. They napped together and if one needed there diaper changed I did they other at the same time. They were really close. However they definitely kept you busy. Lots of energy needed and you need to know you nap when they nap to recharge yourself. I didn't always do this and tried to catch up on housework and stuff. It is alot of work but it was fun too. I had a work aholic husband at this time so I know the feeling of it all being on you, but the other truth is that 1) any baby is alot to handle until they reach about 6mos old. And then once you have a second child the first one is a huge help in the entertainment department!!!!! As for the c-sections: I had 3 and I can't compare them with the natural way but I think they are great. You are uusually scheduled to go into the hospital and I found it amazing how different each experience was. You are in a bit of pain in the beginning but I had a beautiful baby and didnt' care. I'm sure you will do great whatever you decide or whatever happens.

Best of luck to you!!!!!

Hi R.,
Yo sound a lot like me...just a year younger. I know how you feel. My daugter will have her first birthday in 11 days, and from the time she started to change, I wnated another one. This is a piece of advice I read, and I think it makes sense. It takes a wonam about 18 months to be physically ready to concieve again, and sometimes the mental state takes longer. Since you had a few bumps in your last pregnancy, maybe you can consider waiting out the 18 months and then revisit the idea and other things that go along with it, like, are you and your husband both ready? Can you afford it? How is your first child adjusting? Who will care for your child while you are not feeling well/in labor and delivery/taking care of a new baby for the first few weeks?
As far as a c-section....pray for the best and prepare for the worst. I planned for a natural delivery in a birth center. I ended up having something called 'failure to progress' and needed to go to the hospital for a pitocin drip. Because of a previous back surgery, the spinal had no real affect on me, so I had to have a much stronger dose for a much shorter time, which meant c-section. Thankfu;;y, we still prepared for a hospital stay and had a spare bag packed in the car for my husband to stay with me. I was extremely terrified, but having gone through it, I see that I was ok. My personal preference is to deliver naturally next time around, which is still possible. But many times they never know that you will need one until the last minute unless you schedule one. be sure to ask your OB what to expect so that you can go in prepared and informed.
baby-sitting....well, my family is far away as well, and we pretty much cut off most of my husband's family. So no one is real close to us. All I can say is that you are not alone in the 'never really left her yet' department. I don't know how to find a sitter yet either. I'm sure that when we are ready, we'll do ok.
I hope this helps you some.
Good luck and take care!

hey there, first off if you read some of my past questions, you will see that we have a similar dilema.. however, i am 40 (almost) and so that too is a factor in my decision.. my thoughts have mostly circled around the idea of money.. we arent weathly ppl, we both work full time and still basically are just getting by.. we can afford some small luxeries however, nothing on a grand or grand scale.. we still rent (hopefully not for long) and i dont even have health insurance for me right now. but the other side realizes that if i wanted a baby (as badly as i wanted my daughter) then none of these money issues would matter.. i would do it anyway... so that leaves me where i am today.

i have for the most part decided not to, however i also feel extremely bad for now making my daughter an only child.. if you ask for it (and even when you dont) many people have opinions about this subject. most say you should at least have 2.

i also love the freedom now that she is getting older brings. and its easy to do things with just one. as you can see, i have pro's and con's on both ends and so in a nut shell here is my advice to you..... follow your heart, trust your instints, and be honest with yourself and talk to you husband, until your blue in the face, if thats what you need.

i joke and say if this is gods plan then he will make it so and take the decision off of me.. well i guess thats true in a way, but look in your heart, look at your family situation and you'll know. you have alot of time too, maybe your not ready now, but will be next year.

oh and by the way,, a c-section isnt the worse thing in the world... i had an emergency one and i was fine! i have a very faded scar and it was only 4 yrs ago. i was a little slow moving around, but didnt take one pain pill when i got home and i was home 2 days early and her daddy got to watch the whole thing and be there for the both of us.

(with out giving to much info, i think i would have rather had
stiches in lower part of my belly then "someplace else".)

i dont feel like i missed any "magical" experience or anything.. my magically experience calls me mamma everyday!

good luck, write anytime if you need to talk.

Hi Rachel,

I think that you need to sit down and way all the pros and cons. I know that you had a difficult time with your daughter but the chances of that happening again are most likely slim. Don't worry about becoming Britnany Spears either. If you arent feeling right you need to talk to you doctor right away band they can prescribe antidepresses for you. She is an extreme case with unlimited funds to be ridiculous. Having two kids can be overwhelming but it is nice to have them close in age. My children are 2.5 years apart and now that my son is 16 months him and his sister play so nicely together and I see that they are going to be great friends. My brother and I are only 19 months apart and are best friends.

If you need someone to talk to about this please sont hestitate to email me. I have bouts of depression and was on medication with both kids and breastfeed too.

Hope this helps you.
S. F

R.,
I just wanted to comment on the c-section bit. Statistically, only 1 in 2000 women are actually incapable of having a child naturally due to a 'small pelvis'. That's per Dr. Bradley. I am 5'5" and 110lbs unpregnant. My sister is 4'11" and 90 lbs unpregnant. We've both delivered 8lb 8oz babies with no problems.

As for the pregnancy itself, you may have problems or it may be smooth sailing. I'm on my 3rd pregnancy (7 and 1 yr old boys) and so far it's nothing like the first 2.

Good luck!!

This is probably going to sound like a repeat to what most of the other mothers are saying, but here it goes. I am 25 yrs old and I have 3 wonderful kids..(most of the time)My oldest daughter just turned 5 in Feb, and my second child.. boy will be 3 on Thrusday, and I just had another girl in July. When people tell you that all pregnancies, labors, deliveries and children are different, boy are they right. My first pregnacy was great. I had no problems with anything, and she was a healthy as can be. Now my sone on the other hand.. I was bed ridden with him from the time that I was 4 mnths pregnant until the very end, and I also had gestational diabeties.He was born almost 4 weeks early, and the problems have continued since then. He was diagnosed with acid reflux, colic, RSV, and he has a heart murmur, and VSD(ventricualr septal defect.. which is a hole in the heart) He has so many learning disabilities, and weight problems still to this day. Talk about differences, this is definatley that case. My newest addition will be 8 mnths, and she is great. My other children do really well with her, and so far, no problems with her. I have been a SAHM since my first daughter was born, and believe me I know how you feel about wanting some freedom. But I look at it this way, when my children are all grown, I will still be young enough to enjoy life and grandchildren. My husband works 3 jobs, so he is basically never home unless it is to sleep, so I really know what its like to do it on your own. There are some ups and some downs with everything. If you really want to have another one, I would do it. My children get a long so well being that they are so close in age. I wouldn't change that for anything else in the world. But, you are the only one that can make that decision.
As far as the c-section goes. My first weighed 6lbs 1oz, and my son weighed only 4lbs 2oz.. and my newest weight a big 7 lbs 9 oz. Your body changes with every pregnancy, and I wouldn't worry about it until the time came. I wouldn't let that make up your mind. Doctors now a days do so many c-sections, there are usually never any complications with them.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope everything turns out the way that you want it to. If you need someone to talk to, just let me know. I am always home..
C.

R.,

I understand your reservations. I found out I was pregnant when my son was 9 months old. I felt both excited and anxious, especially since they will only be 17 months apart. As my pregnancy has progressed, I am more excited about them being close in age (my brother and I are 5 years apart and never had much of a relationship) but am really enjoying my son has he is becoming more independent and wondering if I want to return to the days of newborn sleep-deprivation. I don't have a choice at this point. I don't think most of us are ever "ready" for the first or subsequent children until it happens.

As for "needing a c-section"...you can't know that until you are in labor. If you would x-ray most women's pelvis, even a week before labor, it would be too small. Your body produces hormones to relax everything when it is time and not before. Often in many hospitals, "failure to progress" means you've been here too long and we're tired of seeing you. Everyone progresses at different rates and the best way to avoid an unnecessary c-section is to stay home as long as possible. THere are true complications necessitating a c-section, but they are rare (3-5% of births instead of 25-30%).

Time away from your kid(s) is essential. Finding a good babysitter is difficult, especially if you are not close to family or involved in a church or other group. I don't know where you live, but there are mom's groups everywhere. My suggestion would be to find one that fits your parenting style. You would be able to meet other moms that think like you do and you may feel more comfortable leaving your daughter. Until you find someone you trust, your husband could watch her and let you have some time to yourself.

Good luck with your decision.

J.

You & I are in very similar situations (I am also 26) except I always thought I just wanted one child and my daughter is 3 1/2 years old. My boyfriend wants kids and would be a great dad, but I'm not sure I can handle another baby (though the thought of a baby makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and want one). It seems like EVERYONE around me is having babies & even my Mom (who used to be opposed to me have another child before I got married) said I should be thinking about having another child (she has terminal cancer and that alone makes me think I should). I also doesn't help that my daughter says she wants a baby brother or sister nearly EVERY DAY!

Let me know what you decide - I havn't a clue what I should do - some days I want another, some days I don't. (Unfortunatly you can't make the go away on the days you don't).

R., This is such a personal decision that only you can answer. But I think it's great that you are questioning it, becauset hat just means you do not take the decision lightly. Sounds like you could really use some more support. I'd suggest a mom's group or making one or two really close friends with kids similar in age to yours who you can hang out with during the week. It creates an extended family and the support will be there in which you feel you are lacking. Mom's groups will also be able to help you find sitters in your local area. It feels awkward at first when you are getting to know everyone, but the effort is well worth it.
My second child wasn't planned. I had some huge concerns about being able to do it all physically, and if I would have enough love to go around. When they handed me my son, I grew a new heart and it was just for Cody. He was not as high maintence as my first but he still is work. I also don't enjoy the first six months... but Cody is now seven months and I couldn't be loving life more. BTW, they wanted me to have a C-section because I had a small pelvic opening as well. Both mine were vaginal births, and Cody's Lbs shot out like a ball of a cannon. Second kids, much easier in my book.

R., I'll cover the c section part. . .i had a c section in 04 for the birth of my baby twins. so i have never had a natural birth but for me c section rocked. Yes, i did love it. I was fully awake trying to take a peek, i ate a heck a lot of those ice chipc after the birth, and the next day i was walking up and down. so, some may have a more difficult time since a lot of people don't like c section. but i did. i would do it about a 100 times more :)
as for having another one, here's the thing, you're 26 years old, give it some time, trust me, when twos start you will want some break. and then rethink the decision again.
i have two girls. i would love love love a son i just don't think i could do it all over again.
good luck
vlora