To Approach Friend's Parents or Not?

I would have hated you as my mother, but now that I'm a mother I would have done the same thing.

I wouldn't mind having all the kids at my house but not as a get-a-way from my mom because she won't let me. I think you should wait till you are calmed down, then let her parents know that nothing happened, but that you didn't want the kids to think it's okay to do this behind there parents back. If nothing is happening then there should be no reason to lie. But as long as her mother knows that all four will be going to your house to hang or watch movies or play x-box, then it's ok with you. Of course only girl friends should be allowed in the bedroom. I don't care if there are four of them or not. That didn't stop the make-out sessions with my friend & I and are guys. Sometimes being to protective can make things worse, because thats when you start going behind moms back. So talk to your daughter and let her know what you want & expect from her, and that no matter what you'll be there for her. You want to have a relationship that is open and understanding. This way she'll be open with you when she is ready to take the next move. The more my mom said, no the more she didn't know, and that pushed me to do more.

I'm very open with my two girls and my son, I have a relationship where they ask me very personal stuff. I love having this open relationship. I know so much about my kids and my hubby pretty much only knows what I tell him. As they get older I see him starting to ask them more about things, he has seen how open they are with me and want's that with them. As for his brother, he is all about telling his daughter what she can't do. You can't have a boy friend till your 18 and in college, you can't hang out with your friends, you can't have your friends over. When she goes to church dances they go to shapron. They tell her that they do this because they love her more then parents who let there kids do thses things. She won't admit to having a boy friend yet. She is only 15 will be 16 in July. And all I can think is when the right guy asks she'll be doing things behind there backs. Love is not all about boundries, it's about trust. You have experience from your other 2 I'm sure, But as my mother once said, Just as you get the first one though the teens and think ok that wasn't so bad the next one comes and is totally diffrent from the first. She had 6 and said everyone of us had diffrent problems as teens. So I guess we just role with the punches, know when to hold em, and just keep trying. I will say that 15 is to young to have dates, my daughter was allowed to have the boy friend at school, but they didn't go out anywhere else until 16. Though dating today is truly boring, they don't do anything fun they just hang. Anyway I do think you should talk to the mother. Let her know your boundries in your house and try to talk to her about being more open with her daughter, as this is step one (going behind your back) it will only get worse from here. I'm not saying give them open rains, there still needs to be okay's and not okay. Hope this helps. Good Luck! I think my second daughter will be more challenging she has been grown up since 3. You know the type (she rolled over at 2 days old, crawled at 4 months, stood up in the middle of the floor by herself at 6 1/2 months, walked at 9 months, talked perfect sentences with no baby talk ever, and could carry on a conversation so well at 3 years old you would have thought she was 10). To this day she knows everything about everything and really likes boys, she's in 6th grade and 12 1/2 yo. I'm hoping she will always be the sweet person she is today. But I know she'll be my head ache and crying in my pillow one because she thinks she knows everything. Best wishes to you with this situation. Pray alot and pray with her. J.

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I say you refrain from getting involved in their business. People end up shooting the messenger. You can tell her she should tell her parents and tell her you're going to talk to them if she doesn't so that she will feel like she has no choice but to tell them but in the end I would stay out of it. It's not like she is sneaking off doing drugs or ditching school. She's 15 and it's sad that parents can be so far removed from what it's like to be 15 that the child cannot feel safe being honest with them. At 15, it is pretty normal to start having boyfriends. If you know about it and condone it, then you can set reasonable limits (no alone time, not in house when no parent, etc.) But if she is scared they won't understand, then she won't risk telling them. You should worry about the same thing with your own daughter. Would she feel safe confiding in you if she knows you will judge and punish her?

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Hi B., my first question is do you trust your daughter? Do you know her friend enough to trust her? If you answered yes, then what I would do is to speak with the friend again, just you and her. Maybe she doesn't have a great relationship with her parents. Maybe you will be the only adult that will care enough about her well being to acually TALK to her. I have a 16 yr old daughter and her friends do confide in me. I don't tell their parents but I do give them my opinion and my advice and I follow up with them. I would like to speak to the sulking boy and set him straight and teach him a few manners. You can do that too lovingly and respectfully. These girls need to know that they have someone on their side without being the CRAZY MOM! I love that you are so caring about this issue and we definately need more Moms who want to be good parents to their children. I would keep the conversation going with the girl and IF SHE DOESN'T tell her parents then and if it happens again, I would. You warned her and talked to her about the situation and were there for her. She has to open the lines of communication with her own parents, but still be there if something goes wrong. Don't judge then just listen. Good luck!

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Hi B.
I can see you are clearly a caring and loving mother who is aware, present, available!! I am afraid your overreaction might alienate your daughter who seems to be a really good girl right now. Go easy. They were not "using" you, that wasn't their intention, they were just trying to hang out in the only way they thought they could. The other girl wasn't found alone in a car with the kid, they were ALL at your house under supervision. This is not Gasket blowing behavior. Allow the girl to find her way, you made your point, she won't be sneaking around at your house, but if she wants to she will I guarantee it. For now focus on your girls. And don't be too strict, or you will find your girl sneaking around too. Good luck!!
M.

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Wow, I don't envy you. I have sons and neither of them were really interested in dating until around 18 but my brother is a single dad with a 17 year old daughter and we are doing the best we can to help with that situation. My advice is to give the girl a break just this once. Tell her that you're not going to tell her parents this time but if it happens again you will. I know from experience that you don't really know how the parents will react to the news. Seemingly normal parents can act quite irrational when it comes to their daughters and dating. Also, not to make light of the situation but this is really normal behavior for the kids. I too am an unapologetic overprotective parent so I understand how you feel but in less than a year your daughter will probably be dating. I would suggest some training with "group dates". Mom gets to come along, to the movies, the mall, wherever and see (unobtrusively) how your daughter will be handling the dating scene a few months from now. This way you know which topics to bring up later. It's a safe environment and a good opportunity for direction and communication. Good Luck.

LL

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Wow, this is a loaded question. I have a 15 yr old. She has a bf also. It was a very uncomfortable situation to approach because I was extremely concerned that his parents would think I was out of my mind to care what my daugter was doing. I DID approach both of his parents (they are divorced and both re-married) and I simply exlpained what my expectations were of MY DAUGHTER (as to not make it a personal insult should they have different views) and that I respected the idea that not everyone has the same views but that I would like to know their feelings on it. I explained that I would, within reason, respect their wishes with regards to their son and their homes and asked that they extend the same. It worked out very well.

In regards to the friend; I think it depends how well you know the friend and the firends' parents. If your daughter and this kid have been friends for many years, I think you would be "helping the parents" to tell them what is going on, but i think I would approach it as an "explanation" of WHY YOU APPROACHED THEIR DAUGHTER as opposed to a "tattle-tell" of what she is doing wrong. I think more importantly, you have to go with your gut. If you trust that her friend learned a valuable lesson from your talk with her, then let her find her own way and make sure your daughter understands her limitations and make sure she lets her friends know the limitations as well. Teens have to "find their own way" so I always give my daughter the benefit of the doubt until I find that she is not responding, then I take matters into my own hands.

I hope this made sense or at least helped you. Good Luck..What a beautfiul and stressful age this is for us parents.

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Hi B.,

The bigger picture is that if kids are restricted from doing things that are age appropriate, such as seeing boys at 15, they will sneak. The girl's parents are just asking for trouble by being so restrictive. I don't know how well you know them but info on age appropriate behavior would be helpful here. Telling the parents will just get the girl in trouble, which will have her more restricted, which will lead to more sneaking...

V.

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Hi B.!

You obviously love and care about your children a great deal. The fact that this is a difficult decision shows you care deeply. I have a few thougts:

First, why don't you speak with the girl and ask her to tell her parents? They should know, but giving her the opportunity to tell them herself will make it less difficult on her. Tell her you'll say something if she doesn't.

Second, I was a 15 year old girl who wasn't allowed to date. I had a boyfriend. My mother was raising me alone. I was an A & B student, involved in school activities - not into drugs or drinking - nothing. However, I would sneak all the time around my mother's back to see him. We didn't have sex. If your daughter has good judgement you should let her date. There is nothing wrong with it. You indicate you're very protective. It seems as though you know it's too much. Good luck.

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After giving the girl plenty of time - maybe a couple of weeks - I would bring it up very casually with her parents. I'd say something like, "Recently when (your daughter) was over, (her boyfriend) dropped by. I didn't think you'd want them to see each other without your supervision, so I sent him home and drove her home." That way, you've given them the info, but you haven't made it into a huge thing or levelled any accusations about whose idea it was, because you have no way of knowing. The other parents will feel good knowing you're on their side, and the kids will know that you mean what you say.

And yes, I also think 15 is too young for traditional dating, either one on one or in groups. A lot of kids find this idea to be outrageous, but that doesn't mean you should give in. Next time your daughter says something like, "EVERYBODY ELSE'S parents let them!" you can assure her that you know people who agree with you! I have 4 kids, ages 21, 20, 13 and 9.

As the Mom of a 13 year old daughter, I would definitely want another parent to fill me in on exactly what is going on.
I would definitely talk to the parents. Of course, you cannot tell them how to parent, but I would mention it, something like, "When X was over yesterday, a boy named Y showed up at our house. My daughter mentioned they are dating. I wasn't sure how you felt about it, so I asked that he leave. I would hope that you would share with me if that was going on with my daughter too. Parents need to look out for eachother."
Who knows if the daughter will actually ever tell her parents. If she has, then they will not be surprised. But if they don't know, I feel like you have a right to say something since it happened at your home. PLUS: it sets a precidence for your own daughter to know that you are not going to go for that kind of stuff!

Hi, B.,

You sound like a thoughtful mother.

As a teacher of teenagers for a dozen years, I have seen MUCH worse behavior in teenagers, so try not to "blow a gasket" over this incident. After you've had time to calm down, if you decide to call the girl's parents, present just the facts and your requests as briefly and matter-of-factly as possible with the girl present. In my interactions with students' parents, I've found that conversations were almost always calmest and most effective when the teenagers were present and involved.

I hope that my kids will hold themselves to very high standards, but I will try not to restrict them from doing everything as a lot of people I knew who grew up in very strict families ended up getting into a LOT of trouble (crime, drugs, alcohol, sex), if not in high school, soon after high school. I think that these kids felt even more inclined to sneak around and do harmful things. We need to teach our kids to depend on internal control (theirs) instead of external control (ours). The best we can do is lead by example and discuss what to consider when faced with difficult decisions or temptation.

Good luck,
L. E

You did great! I raised 6 myself and I would have wanted to know of any activities that could potentially lead to trouble.

A bouquet of flowers to you. Aloha, L.

you have enough answers but i have to put my vote in because i am so proud of you for setting standards and for standing up to them.
I was raised with no standards and it hurt. i had to make all the mistakes that still create anxiety in me today.
I would talk to the parents of the girl friend and don't feel as though you are tattling. You are parenting and doing a fine job. Keep that communication open with other parents and stick as a team. the kids do.
best, D.

HI B.,
Good for you! You obviously love your daughter and are showing great care and concern for her friend.
I would definitely follow through with your action of calling the girl's parents. It can be done in a loving and caring way and they deserve to know. Although the kids may be just "hanging out" now, eventually their actions will progress to something much more adult which could result in a teen pregnancy or a VD.

Ms. B.

Don't tell her parents. We've all been there at some point with "boyfriends" when it wasn't allowed. Her parents may overreact to the situation when in fact it may not be a big deal. I had the same problem with my parents because I couldn't tell them that I even liked a boy, cause they were from another century and would get upset that my mind wasn't in schoolwork or chores. It was really annoying that they didn't want to try and see things my way and understand what a teenager goes through, so that was one thing I kept from them. When it comes to your babies some just don't want to deal with their kids growing up in that manner.

They'll probably end up braking up soon, like most high school relationships.. just keep an open relationship with your daughter and maybe even with your daughter's friend, things that you tell your daughter you may want to tell her too. Good luck and God bless.

Personally, As a mother fof 3 girls (thankfully young), I would want to know. But do you feel comfortable telling them? It sounds as if they used the opportunity to have him over. Her parents may not like the boy. I always tell the parents my girls go visit that if they do something that you do not approve to let me know. I may not always agree, but it is their home and they are responsible for my children while there. My children also know. I usually find out bad behavior from my kids.
Good luck
K.

I love your honesty and protective ways with your daughter. There is nothing wrong with it! When the boy showed up and you found out it was the friends boyfriend, I would have mentioned that I will call the mother to make sure that it was OK that he was at the house and that I would be supervising them.
I'm sure the girl told the boy she was at your house, which is why he stopped by. You were at home, so it was not entirely sneaky. I would be glad that they came to the house while you were there. That is the best way for all of them to spend time together since they will find a way somehow!
Now that the incident is over, I would call the mom and ask her if it is OK for the two to be at your home when you are there, since it did happen, and see what she says.
I do feel that moms need to keep each other on alert--it takes a village for us to get through this difficult stage!
Good luck!

Hmmmm! What a pickle! Well, I have a 25 year old and a 2 year old. So I am on both sides of the spectrum here, been there and will be there again.

I think I just dealt with something similar with my 11 year old niece. Two nights ago, my niece send me a Myspace friend request. I accepted and took a look at her photo comments and only found that her male friends were marked as 15 and 17 years old. She still appears to be very innocent and many of her comments sounded as if they were out of boredom. The 17 year old friend really bothered me, so I called my sister the next day and asked if she knew. She did know, but thought they discussed and corrected the boy issues. While I was on the phone with my sister snooping around, she started asking her about the friends. I begged her not to tell her I told her, so she said it was her dad looking at it. I thought it was pretty obvious I was on the phone because my sister wasn't very careful. Today, her account was deleted.

I know that was best, but I still feel bad. I hope this doesn't affect our wonderful relationship.

I ran into some problems with my older daughter with friends and sneaking around, so you just have to decide how much damage was done, how much damage can be done if you let it go, and how serious/important it all is. I tried to tell my daughter's friend's parents they were drinking and found out the mother was allowing them to drink even though she chewed me out and backed them all up.

I don't know what to tell you as far as the decision to tell or not. Use your gut and make the best decision you can.

C.

hi B., our daughter wasn't allowed to date while in schoo and she is soooo greatful to her dad for his pertection.

If you go to the other parents, and i gets around school, your daughter is going to hhave a hard time living that down.

I would give the kids another chance, their teens, they don't always make the right choices. Did we? hope this helps. J.

If you told your daughter's friend that you would be talking to her parents, then you should keep your word and talk to her parents, this way she knows you'll do what you say you will. You could ask the friend if she had spoken to her parents before you do as well as have her present when you do speak to them. That way there are no misunderstandings.

Hi B.! First off let me tell you that I feel your pain. This is such a touchy subject, one I have been fighting with myself over all day. This morning I was wakened by a loud thumping noise which turned out to be my neighbor, blasting music. I had to go over there twice to ask him to turn it down, and on my way back to my place the second time, noticed a girl coming to his door. The boy is in 9th grade, and I don't know for sure that he was ditching school, or if he is allowed to have "company" or not, but I really felt compelled to tell my neighbor (it is her nephew who was home today) but her and I don't exactly get along too well anymore. So, I said all of that to say, if it were MY child, heck yes I'd want to know, but... some parents will look at you and say "mind your own business". It's a tough call. Since you said the girl's parents are overprotective, I would go ahead and let them know. That's just my opinion. Be prepared for a showdown if it doesn't go your way, though, because some parents are really naive and will say "Not my little girl!!". In that situation, there's not a lot you can do :(

OMG I think that you made your point to your daughters friend. Hopefully she will tell her parents in fear that you will. When I think of all of the scemes I invented to see a particular boy that my parents did not like... Yikes. I spent more time trying to figure out how to spend time with him with out getting caught than thinking about why the heck I was spending time with the loser to begin with. Kids will always find a way to do what they what. Everything is so new and exciting to them... I think that alot of communication is best. My parents never explained to me why they didn't want me to hang out with certain people... the girls need to keep their standards REALLY HIGH :) Then group dates should be acceptable. With a parent doing the driving.

hello B.,
first let me say that i understand not wanting your daughter to "date,and i think its wonderful that she is still able to have a boy friend and have him over and be included in family activities.i think that is a really good way to go.As for talking to the friends parents,hmm that is a tough call.my advice would be to talk to the friend again,and if you dont think she really has talked with her parents yet,meet with them all together and give her the chance to not back down from letting them know,and ask them what they would like the have happen in the event something like that should happen again.
i have to run now,by baby just rolled out of bed and is hungry for her breakfast,shes 10month old.i hope this helped some,and as i said,its what i would probably do in that situation.
bye

I am getting your daughter felt you allowed her to have her b/f over you would be cool with the friends b/f. she made a mistake by not coming to you and saying, her parents won't let her see him at all, could he come over for a few minutes, maybe your daughter felted by having him come over this is the saafe zone, now one thing you have to be careful about is keeping a open communication, going, so daughter will come to you and talk with out mom losing her cool. If she can't trust everytime you will have a meltdown she wont share with you mom.. Being my daughter is 17 a friend of hers was running away from home, she came to my house, ten minutes later they came and told me, I just listened to both of them , and called her parents, I talked to her mom first, making sure she wasn't going to be to punished, it was a mistake, these kids are just trying to be kids, growing up, kids needs parents but them need space to, I don't think tellin gher parents will help, more like talking to daughter telling her next time give me a heads up about whats going on, isnt it better they are at your house then not. !!!

This is only the beggining of Teen age life..

Blessings

B.,

Kudos to you...it sounds like you handled the situation great. I would definitely tell the parents, because I would want to know if my daughter was sneaking around. Even if the kids are trustworthy, they tend to push to see just how far they can get.

Like Monica M's response, you can let her friend's parents know what happened and if they're okay with it. It's a mixed blessing. You want to maintain a sense of trust with your daughter and her friends because they come over to your home and that's a good thing. That way you see what they're up to. You can check with your daughter's friend to give her a last chance to see if she had a conversation with her mom first and encourage her to be open with her mom to gain trust. I think most of us have been there. When I was a teen (YEARS ago) I would not tell my parents where I was going, etc., but inevitably the one person who was honest with their parents would be the one who didn't get in trouble. All my parents asked of me was to ask and tell what was going on. My younger sisters who followed after me saw that if they told the truth, they didn't get in trouble. This is the same advice I pass on to my kids (16 y/o boy, 11 y/o girl) and so far (knock on wood), they have kept our trust.

If you ever want to get out of graveyard and have build something more flexible, let me know. You sound like a great person I would like to help out and get to know. Good luck with your kids and their friends!

Good morning B.. I am a grandmother of six(6) children ranging from 2 to 21 years old. I have a 15 year old grandson who has done something that surprised the entire family. I was speechless when told of his actions. I will go into details at another time for I seek assistance as well. This is about trying to assist you. Bottom line, B., teenagers and young adults these days don't believe in, have no inkling of or simply don't care about the consequences they can suffer from doing what they do. I agree with you on your statement, "if you are doing something you are afraid someone will find out, IT IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NOT BE DOING!!! I whole heartedly believe you should tell the parents. Tell whomever you feel you can get help from. Ibelieve the children should be completely involved in the discussion as well. They want to play grown up, thinking they know or can handle everything, then they should realize there are grown up consequences. We have to do whatever we can to save our children from making the wrong decisions that will effect or ruin their entire lives. Hang in there B. and please know, "YOU ARE NOT ALONE."

C. W.

Hi B.,
I would carry through with your word so the friend can see that you are trustworthy and care about her. The parents will really appriciate it!!!! Why allow them the opportunity to be treated like trash by the boys tell them you want them to stay pure until they get married. There is a lot of pressure on kids at even a younger age than when we were kids. You are doing the right thing by giving her a safe place to be with her friends and she knows that you care about her and her friends. Keep up the good work mom. D.

Good for you! You should talk to the parents about it. You told the friend that you would so she is prepared for it to happen. It sounds like you don't need to "talk" to them about it so much as let them know it happened and that you won't allow them to sneak around at your house. I am sure they will be relieved to have another ally helping protect their daughter. All teenagers need a parent like you!

I would want to know as a parent. It wouldn't be easy or pretty, but I would absolutely want to know! I was saved from MANY bad situations by what I now know as very caring and concerned parents that called my mom--who was also extremely controlling. I'd say a quick phone call would be worth your time.

If you told her you were going to talk to her parents, then follow through. It's important for her to know you're a person of your word.
It's ackward be casual about. Did your daughter get a chance to talk to you about the incident at my house......if they say no. Let them to decide to hear it from you or talk to their daughter first. We never know what truely happens behind close doors, but wouldn't you want the same from them.
I feel for you
T.

I would definitely tell the parents. Tell them the whole story, how you felt used, etc without placing too much blame on their daughter. You want them to be able to trust you so that your child's friend can come to your house and spend time with your child. I would also explain to them your rules for your daughter and her friend when they are at your house, so there is no confusion when their daughter wants to spend time at your house. Everyone then knows what the expectations are. You also show them that you are not trying to hide anything from them or do anything with their child behind their backs. I bet they will appreciate your honesty.

Hi B.,

Since you told the friend that you are going to speak to her parents, you should probably follow through so they all (boyfriends included) understand that you mean business.

You might be surprised as to the parents reaction. Denial sometimes rears it's ugly head. Regardless, you can rest assured that you are a responsible parent and you did the right thing.

My hat off to you for raising all those teenagers by yourself.
Best Wishes,
P.

Wow, there are so many issues and fine lines in this situation.
My daughter is only 5 years old, but I"m sure this is not a "rare" problem with kids this age.

I don't have an answer for you. But, back in the old days...as in my Mom's generation... everyone looked out for each other's children...it was indeed "a village" raising the children...and likewise, as my Mom said in a small town like the one she grew up in... children "behaved" because they knew the Parents all made sure the children were safe and tended to, and the Parents in those days were not afraid to tell the other Parents about anything "naughty" their child did and did not fear "scolding" any child who got out of line.

Now in present day, our world.... people try to be politically correct, and morally "safe" and not to offend anyone, and to mind their own business, and ignore or leave it up to others to act on any injustice or poor behavior etc. BUT, at the same time...does that mean we just turn a blind eye to anything amiss in our or our friend's children??? I think too often, the lack or apprehension in directly correcting a child can lead to just more problems. Sure, it's your child's BF's parents that are being fooled by this BF. So what should be done? It's hard to make the decision without ruffling someone's feathers and emotional trust and etc.

Sometimes, I think it NEEDS to be done...if our children or our children's friends are engaging in inappropriate behavior and potentially dangerous behavior, we need to tell the other Parents. If it were me... I would want to know... it is my child's life and physical/emotional welfare involved...and I would want to deal with it directly and apply disciplining as appropriate.

I don't know or have a concrete answer for you. But, I think as Parents, to just "hope" that another kid will behave and "hope" that it doesn't impact your own child negatively, is just ineffectual. Something tangible has to happen. Or they will "learn" that they can do anything and the other Parent won't "tattle tale" on them, and they will be protected. Or, they will realize that certain Parents will simply not allow poor behavior and step up to the plate and be responsible for themselves. Sure, kids this age go through phases etc. etc....but there has to be repercussions for certain obvious rule breakers.

Good luck and I hope you will choose a good decision. I'm sure you will, you seem to be a logical and wise Parent.
All the best,
~Susan

Listen, tell the parents, you said you would. Also if the young man didn't apologize, and skulked out, which obviously made an impression on you about his character, there is a reason he had to sneak around her parents. Every young man I brought into my parents orbit had enough home training to speak, however briefly. Any young man I perceived as rude I left in the dust. I am only 36 and my parents were verrrrry liberal but this one standard they held on to and I do too. I would have pointed out the young mans lack of respect for her parents and her as well to even ask her to lie to her parents if in fact he did. Bravo!

You sound like a fun, loving and really caring Mom and much respect to you for being a single Mother and handling your responsiblilties in a such gracious way!! Kids will and always have lied about something they have done at one time or another!! I have! I think that letting her handle that situation without you getting involved is a good idea!! I work with 4 and 5th graders everyday and they get into situations like that, where I myself talk to them about it even though I know some of their parents on a personal basis!! Believe me, I will let their parents know when they are starting to hang out with troubled kids, get in figths and so forth but "puppy love" wow that's another story and that's just what it is most of the time "puppy love!! Good Luck!! V.

I would absolutely tell the other parents, wouldnt you want to know. They may not feel as passionate as you, but what would happen if something did go on in your house and you didnt tell them. We live in such a litigous world now-a-days.

WOW, ok been here a few times myself. I have four kids and it seems like 40 that are always here. When kids that hang out here a lot do something I do not allow, they get punishment here, they do not have to take it but if they do not I talk to the parents. Your daughter is at a vunerable age and she could get a bad rap at school if you say anything.

This is my rule of thumb. If I am FRIENDS with the parents, I let them know that we had a problem with this guy coming to see her at your house. If I do not consider the parents my friends, I pretty much try to tell the kid my rules and why and not to let it happen again.

It is so hard, but you have to look at all sides of the equation. BTW-This rule does not stand for anything they do and I catch them doing that is illegal period!! Had one of my best friends kids arrested because of grand theft that he involved my son in. There is a line.

My response is with the wisdom of hindsight. These types of events happened several times with various "friends" while my oldest daughter was a teen. I let them get away with it and I shouldn't have. They used me and I didn't call them on it, didn't draw the line in the sand. Those same girls continued to sneak around, lie, and two ended up pregnant right after high school and into worse things after that (heavy drugs like meth.).

I thought I was a strict parent, but I wasn't consistent enough, didn't draw the line in the sand. If I could do it over again, I would have raised her in a bubble-protect her from the outside influences, been involved in every aspect, been an example of sticking to convictions, and not backed down from the conflicts. My daughter ended up getting into a lot of trouble....messing up a lot. There are many things she will regret for the rest of her days.Thank God she seems to be really pulling it back together, but it's sad that she took such a horrible detour.

THis is a long answer to simply say....do not be afraid to be the bad guy, the example and the influence in your child's life, even if it's not the popular thing to do. There is a long line forming to the right of people who would want to influence your kids in ways you don't want them to.

Good luck and God Bless!!

Hi B.,

YES, YES, YES!!!

I would want to know what my daughter was up to behind my back. You are right in giving her a chance to talk to her parents. But, it the end, it was at your house and you as the adult are responsible for what goes on there. Give her a day or two then casually call her parents and give them the heads up. If they are on the same wavelength that you are about raising your daughter then they should appreciate your looking out for her best interests. A wise old person I know once told me that it takes a community to raise a child, not just the parents. And actually, if kids today thought that other adults were looking out for their misbehaviors as well as their parents, they wouldn't do half the stuff they do. I know we didn't as kids for fear of what might get back to Mom and Dad. Good luck.

M.

Hi B.,
Yes, talk to the other parents and find out what their understanding is of their daughters and boyfriends.
Our daughter wasn't allowed a boyfriend in high school either, but went out on group dates where all the kids were friends. She saw some of her friends with their boyfriends and saw the behavior change in them and knew she didn't want that (mostly being controlled and constantly stressing over if they were going on a date that weekend). And boys in high school only want one thing STILL, because they think that will solve any of their issues by being able to say they've had sex whether or not they have or not. Depending on whether you are controlling or not, you have to ask yourself did I raise her to not only know what is right or wrong in that respect but will she do what is right when pressured. If she is already thinking she can do the behind the back set-up thing at 15 you might want to take a closer look at what standards you have used. You didn't mention any issues with the 19 and 17 y/o so are they helping their sister or just letting her do what she wants.
Graveyard is a great shift for what you've had to do but with the age of your kids now, maybe you should look at going more traditional in your schedule as late nights are going to start happening and you won't be home to monitor those situations all the time.
that's my two cents worth

I'll make this quick - tell the parents, as hard as it may be and as much of the "bad guy" as it may make you, you are totally right to protect this girl and be the adult in this situation. If it were my child, I would want to know.

You did the right thing and have given the girl some time to talk to her parents. I had a similar situation when my daughter was 15-she is now 30 (and lived through it!). Unfortunatly we had to find out by catching her and then confronting the parents who allowed it to happen behind our backs-believe me, NOT A PRETTY SITE!. My recommendation would be to talk to the parents of this girl so they can deal with the situation calmly,and before it gets out of hand.
At the time our daughter was VERY upset, but thanked us later for stopping her with what may have turned out to be a bad situation Good luck L.

B.,
Great, I support you and how you handled it. Being the mother of 3 grown girls now 29, 27, and 25, this is exactly how I would have handled it! I think it is great you gave her the opportunity to tell her parents herself and then I think it is also a good idea to follow up with her, then her parents. Speak to her again and ask her how it went. Let her know you are calling them (next) and just wanted to touch base with her first. This way she knows you follow through but that you have concern for her and how it went.
Though the whole situation was uncomfortable and hard, it was a great learning tool and opportunity to firm up the boundary with your daughter.
Also of note is to make sure both see that you are there for them even though this happen. It isn't the absence of difficulty in relationships that make or break them, it is how you get through issues that arise, that is where relationships are strengthened and built.
I think you did a great job! Go Mom!!
K.

I'd be on the phone with them right now!
I think you should probably approach this conversation carefully - don't be accusatory or noticeably upset. Give her parents the opportunity to make this a big (or not big) deal - after all, that's their business, not yours.
I'd just calmly let them know that you understand their daughter is not allowed to date and that you wanted them to know she was hanging out at your house with your daughter and this other boy.
Don't let the negativity of some of the comments throw you off. I think your rules are completely reasonable. :)

First off, I think you handled this great! I would feel very secure letting my daughter hang out over at your house! With that said and to answer your question...Say what you mean, and mean what you say. That was my motto as a teacher, and now as a parent. If you already told her you were going to talk to her parents, then you need to follow thru. Plain and simple. It doesnt need to be some long drawn out thing with them and you, just tell them so and so stopped by, i sent him home, thought you should know, period. And as for the last part of your request, YES I absolutely would want to know!!!!!

i would definitely want to know if my kid were doing that.

i would tell the friend that im gonna tell her parents about what shes doing if she doesn't stop or something (you know give her a warning) and try to convince her to discuss this with her parents, but absolutely keep an eye on her and go through with your promise of telling if she doesn't keep her promise.

its hard cause you don't wanna be the "bad guy" you want your kids and their friends to trust you, because if they don't they will find another way to get what they want behind your back as well as their own parents backs.

(and on a side note, i personally would not let my daughter have a boyfriend before shes allowed to date, because my parents would not let me date till i was sixteen, and i didn't but i was allowed boyfriends and was already three months pregnant by my sixteenth birthday --in my defense he is now my husband, happily married for 7 years and the father of all three of my children, although it does not end like that for everybody)

I think if you are close to your daughter's friend parents, and she's your daughter's close friend, then you should informally bring it up just so her parents aware of it, and tell them not to confront their daughter but to talk to her and let her speak out. I used to have friend just like that, and her neighbor was always telling her mom, then her mom get upset and yell at her, ground her and even slap her rather than talking to her. She eventually avoid talking to her parents more and more and sneak behind their back to date boys but appear to be perfect girl at home or around friends and relatives. If you're not close to your daughter's friend's parents, I think you should just talk to the girl only, and it's up to her to communicate w/ her parents.

If you told the girl you were going o discuss it worth her parents, then you may be stuck with that. I understand not wanting your daughter (or her friends parents feeling that way) until she's 16, my parents had the same rule for me...but would a friend stopping by have been such an issue if they hadn't called him her boyfriend? Most f my best friends at that age were guys and we always hung out at each others houses. Our parents trusted us because they knew we weren't doing anything. It may have been wrong to go behind the parents back, but do you have no trust in your daughter or her friend? Put yourself in their shoes, at that age, how would you feel if your mom did what you did?

Definitely talk to them. I have daughters and would want to know if they were being sneaky and deceitful

Hi B., yes I would contact the parents of the other child. I went through the same thing wondering if it was a good thing or not, but when I finally did, I found that the parents were grateful. Also, we now have all of our son's friends parents on the same page. My son was upset, but when I explained to his friends that I was not calling their parents to get them in trouble, I was calling because I love and care about them, the boys seemed to understand. Good luck!

Hi B.,

For me, I would want to know. The tricky thing here is that you already told their daughter that you were indeed going to talk with her parents & therefore, if you don't she will think you wouldn't ever. You may want to talk with her about whether or not she already spoke with them, or just go ahead & talk with them. Delicately. Letting them know that you gave her the chance to talk with them first as you know how they feel about these types of issues. You are obviously a very strong & wonderful mother - and the right thing to do here is what you have said you would do. God Bless!

Tell the parents; if you don't you are not committed to the standard you have set for your home and you kids will see that... It may not be easy to do, but it is the right thing to do.

I think that you should let the girl know that she needs to talk to her parents and come clean. Let her know that either way you will be mentioning to her parents that there is a situation that she needs to talk to them about (like you were going to do) let them both have an opportunity to get everything out in the open before you share any details so that they might possibly learn to share and communicate together and hopefully trust each other. You don't want the mom to be mad at you for not telling her anything and you don't want the girl to feel tattled on or ganged up on (cuz then she will try much harder next time.) Just make sure she understand that this conversation will happen no matter what and it can be done the easy way or the hard way (nicely and empathetically of course =0)) also if she comes clean, her parents wont completely trust her right away, but they should feel a little bit better. Good luck. I do not look forward to this as my girls get older. Yikes!

Heck ya!
I would tell the parents. Wouldn't you want to know if the situation was reversed? Your daughter @ their house...I would want to know 4 Sure!!!! I think parents need to be in touch and also to show our kids that WE WILL TALK and they CAN NOT get away with 'sneaky stuff'. I think you are TOTALLY right in what you are doing and more parents need to step up and be involved they way you are!!!

Yes, I would let them know what happened, but after you are calm, since you already chatted with the girl, then the parents may or may not want to harp on it again.

While I appreciate you wanting to protect your daughter, since most parents, in my belief, want to be friends with thier kids at that age, you want to let go of the reins a little? Involve guys, but chaperone? I agree that this instance was a lie in progress. I had a friend whose parents were overprotective. Early cerfew of 8:30pm, etc while she was senior in HS and 18. I called her 1 week after she had gone off to college witha full swimming and academic scholarship. She had slept with 5 guys. I don't think she knew what to do without all of the rules, so she went crazy. Just an FYI.

Have not hit any of this teenage stuf yet! My daughter is about ot be 9 and the two boys are only 3 & 4! But a just wanted to say that I agree with you totally about all of the above! I have nieces who are in that age, one is great and has not been in any trouble cuz she has done the "if you're afraid of being caught...." the other I am not sure if she will live to see her Grad day next week! I am also a single parent and pray that I have the relationship with all three of my kids like you have with yours! I also wanted to say thanks for the laugh about renting out your kids, I have said the same thing many times LOL!! Good luck with the rest of the teenage years and may God be with you always! Again I think you are doing the right thing with your daughter and with her friend!

Hi B.: It sounds like you are a great and well grounded parent. If it were my daughter, I would want to know what's going on. I would call them and let them know. It's not gossip since you found out first hand and they used you and your home to get around her parents' rules. That was really disrespectful. 15 year old girls not guided by loving parents can get in a world a trouble and ruin their lives. You would be doing them both a favor.

Take care, M.

Hi B.-
My advise would be to call her parents and make them aware of what is going on. Your daughters girlfriend is counting on your lack of communication to continue her relationship. She has had her time to come clean and now it is time for you to follow through.
Keep in mind that they do not have to be having sex to get into some serious trouble. My sister was arrested with her boyfriend at age 15. They were drunk and decided to break into the local mall. She was suposedly at a friends house that night, but the mother caught the boys trying to sneak in and kicked them all out.
You need to go with your gut here. If you would want to know if your daughter had done the same thing then you need to be equally as concerned for your daughters friends. After all they influence who your daughter will be later in life.
H. Stanley

Go through with what you said you would do. If you can't show follow through all the other stuff you say means nothing.
I am proud of you for taking care of your children and I believe that we are responsible to take care of other children too. You keep it up, my daughter called and thanked me for raising her that way. Don't give in!!! Good Luck.

B., first of all I love your sense of humor! I also rent out my kids for cheap.. soon to be 12 y/o daughter with an attitude and 7 y/o son who thinks he knows everything!!! To answer your question, I would totally want to know if this went on with my kids involved! I think that you should talk to the parents about it especially b/c you have already told "the friend" that you would. If you don't talk to the parents this time your daughter's friends will think they can get away with this sort of stuff! Good luck!
C. A.

Good job! I believe you said the right thing. Follow through - so your daughter and her friend know that they can trust you to do what you say you will do- the sooner the better.

God bless!
G.