Tired of Being Compared to Other People's Wives

First of all, you can tell him that the belly size most likely has nothing to at all with how little or much you excercise or weigh. I was about a size 14, about 50 lbs overweight when I got pregnant. In my 9th month some people didn't even know I was pregnant! And some of those that did said I was probably going to have a small baby. I kept waiting for my belly to pop out, and it never did. She was over 7 1/2 lbs. She wasn't small. I had a friend who was the same size I was when she got pregnant, and in her 7th month she looked like she swallowed a beach ball! Not a basket ball, but a beach ball!

Well I'm not sure about the rest of your situation, but at the end I read "I know nothing about birth spacing".....But let me tell you,it's the perfect spacing!!! I had two boys,fairly young in life, then 10 yr's later we had a third child!!! The boys loved thier baby sister so much and both of them will end up being GREAT Dad's when the time comes. Both of the boys appreciated the experience,even helping with diapers and bath's and they loved reading nite time stories (which by the way helped the boys with reading)...So don't worry about the spacing....just the husband's comments....You do need to let him know how they make you feel when he says those things, I'm sure he is just trying to be helpful and has NO Clue about how hurtful those type's of statements are. Next time ask him "Well how tall is this friend of yours ?" "What size was she before she got pregnant" "Is this her first pregnancy" etc....Every body is different. I'm 5'6" and my pregnancy was completely different from my best friend even though we were only weeks apart,we started at the same weight, same bra size, same height, everything..but our bodies both reacted in different ways.(she didn't gain as much)..explain to him...some men get it???? And as a last resort... tell him you have a "Friend" with a much bigger D--K than him and what is he gonna do about that??? Sorry, I couldn't help myself...... Good Luck and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Pregnant women are so different. Both of my daughters were recently pregnant. One of them stayed small and one of them was huge. Both of them are quite active, and busy women. Please sit down with your husband, and tell him it really bothers you to be compared with other women. Women are different. Ask him for appreciation, not analysis or criticism. You might ask him how he would feel if you brought home news about the looks and activities of other men you know. Each women is unique in pregnancy, and each pregnancy is unique.

I would imagine your husband is just trying to identify with your pregnancy and does not realize how this is making you feel. Tell yourself you're beautiful and love being pregnant -- you'll feel better. Whenever your husband does this again, you might respond with:

Honey, is that comment supposed to make me feel better? Hopefully you can do it with tenderness, not with a snarl, even though you may feel like bopping him over the head.

I didn't read every response, but it sounds like everyone is on point and in support of you. Your belly usually gets bigger with your second pregnancy - mine certainly did. My only suggestion would be to print out all these responses and cut out the ones you really like and want your husband to hear. Leave them in places he will find - sock drawer, car, gym/golf bag... He might get the message.

I wouldnt hesistae to express how his comments make you feel.
Explain how there is so much going on in a womans body when WE GROW A HUMAN that its really a process for you to go through. The hormones do crazy things. We need love and support from our hubbys during this awesome time.
Journal your journey and all that goes with it. Good luck

First of all.... no body's body is like yours... so all those other wives, are different in their own way. My friend's husband joked about his wife gaining weight during her first pregnancy, and you should have seen the lynch mob outside his door waiting for the next comment to come out of his mouth... he was warned not to say one more word about her weight or we would get him!!! It takes a village to raise the child, but it also took one to bring this one into the world. The way I see it, you need to tell him that it is hurtful for him to compare you to others, and that you would appreciate it if he would just enjoy this time with you and lay off about the size issue. Some women get as big as a barn and shrink back to their size 1 jeans in 3 weeks, others barely even have to wear maternity clothes. If you need me to knock on your door, I will lol!

T.,
I'm just going to be blunt here...forgive me. I don't have much to say except, your husband obviously does not know what he's talking about. Your belly size has NOTHING to do with your exercise habits. Some people carry small, and some carry larger. I carried my daughter small, but I am a fairly small person and she was my first pregnancy. I was sick all the time and throwing up, so I lost a lot of weight at the beginning. Especially if this is your second pregnancy, your abdominal muscles are used to being stretched and so you may appear larger the second time around as opposed to your first pregnancy when your ab muscles were tight and it took more to stretch them. (This is how my OB-GYN explained it to me)
Please dis-regard his "nagging" to constantly exercise. Yes, it is good to do a little, but YOU know your body and its limits, YOU be the determinator of how much you can handle. If you stress yourself out working two jobs, and caring for a young child and husband, and trying to exercise constantly, you can cause complications with the pregnancy.
Don't you wish men could be the ones to carry the child for 9 months?? Then maybe they'd understand and shut their mouths!! haha
Take it easy, relax, and enjoy this wonderful gift of life.

Can't say i can relate, but I wanted to offer support. I want to remind you that your body's priorities have changed, as should your perspective. If his friend's belly isn't as big as yours, her baby might not be thriving. A big belly during pregnancy is directly related to a growing baby. that's why your ob/gyn doc measures your belly. I had a baby 6 months ago (my 2nd) and i put on a little weight but not much. If my husband ever made a comment about my weight I'd throw my corn-dog at him. I work full-time and have two kids. and cannot fathom a workout routine until elementary school.

Tell him to keep his opinions to himself!!!

I would have KILLED my husband if he would have even implied that I should be doing ANYTHING about my weight when I was pregnant, and I had two children both over 10 pounds each. So I'm sure you can imagine how huge I was. I would tell him "I am not one of your friends wives, I'm your wife. Please don't mention what you "think" I should be doing unless you think it's harmful to the baby."
I didn't exercise before I got pregnant and beyond walking a little a couple of times a day, my doctor told me not to start a real heavy exercise regiment because my body wasn't used to it and could harm the baby if my pulse went up too much.
Anyway, when my hubby and I got together I was about 150 poounds and now we have a 16 month old and a 3-1/2 year old and I'm just about 205 pounds and I've already lost about 50 pounds. Your hubby could be happy I'm not his wife! :-) I work at losing, but it's taking me a long time. My husband has NEVER said ONE think about my weight or that I should exercise or anything. That's why I love him, because he loves me for me. Not my weight.
Just tell your husband that women gain weight when they get pregnant, it comes off later. For some slower then others (like me) but I plan on it coming off eventually.

Hi T.,

That must be tiresome being compared to other pregnant moms, esp when you're carrying a baby for both of you. You don't say whether his criticism is "inspired" by concerns about you gaining more weight than he'd like or about the health benefits of exercise.

Of course, I'd say the first option is always to tell him how you feel when he makes critical comments, esp in comparing you to others. If that doesn't do it, I'd thank him for his "concern," let him know you're aware of not getting as much exercise as he'd like, and tell him you feel good about the choices you're making, whether he does or not. In other words, lay off! ;) Also, some guys can be pretty self-centered, so coming up with a comparison he can relate to in his own life might be an idea as well. For example, "Honey, Bob has much bigger muscles/makes a lot more money/is so loving to his wife, why don't you work on that too?"

Don't forget you're perfect the way you are.

Take care,

L. K

T.,

First off, I have been told by everyone I know who has two children that you tend to show earlier with a second pregnancy so your belly may look bigger than some other mom-to-be who might be having her first. Although, also every womans body is different and one woman might look more pregnant than another at lots of different times in the pregnancy. You might notice this going to the Yoga class.

Second, you should remind your husband that every woman is different and he really should not be focused on any other mom-to-be but you. Instead of criticizing you about getting execise he should be asking you how he could help provide you with time to get excercise. Plus, if he wants you to excercise so much than he should be doing all of the excercises you do with you to show his support!

Next time he starts in on the "my friends wife who is pregnant......maybe you should say my pregnant friends husband is so supportive and chips in and does tons around the house since she is pregnant and tired!

Good luck and try to get a rest and enjoy the Holidays.

N.

That is so ridiculous! Guys have such a hard time, don't they?
Maybe he's afraid you're going to look pregnant forever, I don't know. It might help to reassure him that your body shape and size are only temporary. You shouldn't have to do that, I know, but men can be a little thick.
If you have to work so much, then you have to. Don't waste the little energy you have right now trying to appease your husband. But if you could go down to one job, it might benefit you physically and emotionally to swim or walk a few times a week.
And remember, women look different and their bodies react to pregnancy differently. The fact that someone else's belly is larger or smaller means NOTHING.
Not much of a help, but it's upsetting to hear how inconsiderate people can be so I had to respond.
Take care.

Hi T.,

Is this your husbands first child? If not he should KNOW better than to compare his already emotional wife to others. When women are pregnant things are amplified in some way and our emotions are just under the surface. There is so much going on and in your body that its reasonable that we are unreasonable at times. I would tell that husband that everyones body is different and we all are shaped differently when pregnant or not. Some women carry in front and others kind of spread around their body but the end result is the same, a beautiful baby. So tell him how you feel even though its hard, he may not know that he is being hurtful to you. Men are many times clueless about many things! If after telling him not to compare you to others and he continues then I would push the topic a little farther with him and perhaps start comparing him to his peers as far as how they treat their mates and see if the shoe fits a little too tight. Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming arrival!

I'd have to agree with Sharon! I'm amazed any husband would say that to his wife. Maybe some negative comments comparing him to other husbands would show him how it feels? Heck, make something up if you have to.

I have no doubt you look beautiful! Enjoy your pregnancy and don't worry about what other wives look like and do. You are a special, unique individual.

I havent had the same issues with being compared, as we are the first in our circle of friends to have a child, but my fiance gets on my case ALL THE TIME about exercising. I know I need to exercise for the baby, but I have never really exercised. I am trying to walk when I can, and I wanted to do pregnant yoga, but we just dont have the money for me to spend on a class right now. I also work two part-time jobs. One I sit the whole time, but the other is subbing, and sometimes at the end of one of those days all you want to do is rest, and that is probably the best thing for you. Being on your feet for 9 hours straight when youre pregnant probably isnt the best thing for you. Relax and don't stress about it. As far as your belly. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and I look a lot farther a long than that. It's not about how big your belly is. Everyone carries it differently, I just happen to be sticking out more than some. Try to talk to him about how different everyone carries, and how each woman is different. Show him a baby book which tells you all of this, or take him with you to the doctor and have the doctor tell him that you are doing great, and that all women are different in pregnancy. I'm sure he just thinks he's trying to help. Men try to help, even when its not the best thing for us, or hurts us. Try to talk to him and tell him how you feel. He may just cough it up to pregnancy hormones, but at least maybe he'll stop. Good luck, I wish mine would stop harassing me about exercising.

Hi T.,

Not to be rude, but until your husband carries a baby and handles all of the "stuff" that life throws at you, my response to my husband would be "bite me!". You're doing just fine and you need to hear it often. You write back and I'll tell you every day that you're doing a great job!!
____@____.com

V. T.

Ask him when the last time he was pregnant? All womens bodies are different as well as knowing what you need to do to be healthy. If your Doctors says your pregnancy is healthy thats great. As far as your husband is concerned he needs to back off and allow you the joys of being pregnant.Which include weight gain in,on and around your belly~! Blessings~

Well I think it sounds like you are doing too much... I personally think exercise is the best thing you can do as long as you are not stressed out.... and light exercise.. yoga sounds great..
Ask your doctor what he/she thinks about your schedule.. You need sleep, exercise, proper nutrition etc... If you doctor agrees that you are too busy... ask him about your stress level.. I am sure your doctor will agree with you. Then take your husband to the doctor and let them tell him. Men tend to listen to professionals.. Plus try to ignore him.. eat right if you eat good then don't worry about the rest... I could be wrong but it sounds like he is more worried about your figure then the health of the baby...

I am a first time mom.. I exercised lightly during the whole pregancy, ate everything in sight, gained 45 pounds and lost it all in 7 months... the main thing is to eat veggies!!! and protein!!

I was told when I was pregnant that the amount energy it take your body to make a baby is equivalent to hiking, even in your sleep. Put working 2 part-time jobs on top of it and you are going to exhausted. You need to rest. Every body is different and if your ob/gyn says everything is okay,than you are okay and your husband needs to back off. Maybe try to tell him how you feel.

By the way you are beautiful!

My husband knew I was very subconscious about my body and did not make any comments like that. However, I can imagine how you feel. I would explain to your husband that every woman's pregnancy is different and every woman carries her child or children differently. If his comparative comments are making you uncomfortable, tell him. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and each experience is different. Let him know that. This is his first pregnancy experience correct? Maybe he isn't sure what to expect, is a bit nervous, and isn't aware of how his comments are affecting you. Let him know how you feel and that every pregnancy is different and it isnt fare to compare you to anyone else.

Wow. Honey, I wish I could hug you right now and tell you that you're beautiful, because that's what your husband should be telling you. I'm in my second pregnancy right now too, but my situation is backwards from yours. I'm the one feeling fat, while my husband is telling me I'm not. One of the things that he said to me that meant the most is something that I think that you should share with your husband. Tell him, look...I'm not gaining weight. WE'RE gaining a baby. He married you because he loves you. I'm guessing that you were pretty small at the beginning of this and he's worried that you're going to "let yourself go." Right now is not the time to stress yourself out over things like that. If that's his biggest concern right now, hoorah for him. You've got other things on your mind, like hemorhoids, morning sickness, feet in your ribcage, all on top of the fact that you're gaining weight. BLEH! Tell him that he needs to support you, and you don't feel very supported when he makes you feel fat and unattractive. Just because the Jones are slim and perfect doesn't mean that we all are. You're going to give him a beautiful baby. That should be enough.

Hi T., congratulations on your pregnancy! What a fun time. As far as your husbands comments I'd be right up front with him and tell him they are hurtful and to stop comparing you to someone else! Each pregnancy is different, each person is different. You are a lot more active than a lot of people, pregnant or not! Tell him you need his support and would really like him to enjoy this time AND your prengancy. (YOUR pregnancy is the key word here) I'm sure he thinks he's helping but you need to let him know that's not how you see it. Be honest, this is such a wonderful time. Celebrate YOU!
Mommy and Grandmommy, K.

T.,
As a personal trainer and owner of FitMomma Mom and Baby Fitness, I'm a bit biased when I say that any type of fitness is one of the best things you can do for yourself and for your baby during pregnancy. But that being said, as a mom, you need to trust your own intuition and not worry about what other wives or moms do. Don't let anyone tell you how to raise your child or how to feel comfortable during your pregnancy. If your schedule doesn't allow you to get in a full fitness class or get in regularly scheduled workouts during the week, just try to get in ten minutes at a time. Take your dog for a ten minute walk in the morning or do some walking lunges on your lunch break. If you're just too tired because you're making your baby, take a rest! Listen to your body.

Consider also telling your husband to shut his mouth until he's done his own research. My husband and I have a rule that we don't criticize each others ideas or decisions, especially about our daughter, until we've done our research. Don't let him use his friends' wives as references (each mom think she's an expert on pregnancy) because each pregnancy is different. Once he does his research, he can give you unbiased information (that you probably already know) and he'll also realize that your size and the size of your belly have NOTHING to do with the health of your baby.

Good Luck! I know how hard it is to have a "know it all husband"!

So sorry about what you are going thru. The problem is not with you, but your husband. Being a mom of four with two part time jobs...I occassionally wander into the gym. But when I was pregnant...I ate. The size of your stomach during pregnancy is dependant on body shapes and sizes. It is important to be healthy, eat healthy and be happy. Maybe your husband is comparing you to his friends wives, because he is really comparing himself to his friends. His insecurities are being verbalized on you. You might want to remind him that even more important than your size during pregnancy, is his love and support towards you during this exhausting time. I cannot tell you how I would personally handle it, it is not polite. Good Luck and hopefully it is only a phase for him.

Tell him to knock it off and you don't appreciate it. Every woman is different. Maybe your baby is bigger. Maybe she's never had a baby before. Maybe she is taller than you or has a longer torso so she won't show as much/as early as you. The point is who cares? You are who you are and you are carrying his child. Does he want a healthy baby and a calm mommy or does he want a stressed out mommy who is trying to keep up with the Joneses? Comparing pregnant women is like comparing a station wagon with a Ferrari. Everyone is different. As long as your doctor says you are good then tell hubby to keep his stupid comparisons to himself! Good luck.

Well I suggest you buy him a father to be book and hopefully he reads it and it mentions that a woman's body is going to do a lot of changing at this time. Is your husband materialistic or cares about what other's think? He has to back off because man he better watch out if you have twins or more your body will need to gain weight because I feel the amount of weight a woman puts on during pregnancy is what the baby needs. At this point I really wish your husband could be pregnant right now. You take care of yourself and do what that lady said compare him to another guy say my friend's husband doesn't compare her stomach to his friend's. Say you watched Oprah today and they said that pregnant women need lots of rest and do just that get plenty of rest and if he complains say well speak to my doctor. Do exactly what you feel like because believe me when the baby (ies) come you will need all the rest you can get. Take CARE!!!!

Hi T.,

Pregnancy is an emotionally hard time. In my experience (5 successful pregnancies, kids from 14 to 2 1/2) men don't really understand how the stress, uncertainty, hormones, worries, etc. of pregnancy affect women. It is not that they are insensitive oafs, it is just that they have never been pregnant. If you have not discussed it with him, your husband probably has no idea he is hurting your feelings with this information. If he was a kind and loving man before you got pregnant, he probably still is. He's probably trying to be helpful, or supportive, or even involved in the pregnancy. You may want to try just getting yourself into a good place emotionally (which can be hard when pregnant--maybe after a nap?) and choosing a low stress time when he is in a good mood as well, and just having a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, non-defensive, upbeat, honest, and SHORT conversation letting him know that you feel defensive or hurt when he compares you to his friends or any other women for that matter, especially while you are pregnant (blame it on the hormones if necessary), and asking him to please try not to do that, thank him if he agrees to try, and give him a hug and kiss and move on.

I'm all for exercising during pregnancy, but it should come from you and only you can know what you are feeling up to. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate already and probably need rest more than anything else, especially going into that last tri-mester.

Good luck, I hope you get the chance to slow down once the baby comes so you can enjoy him/her. By the way, there is no such thing as bad timing. A baby is a miracle whenever you are blessed with one. We just had our last 5 years after we thought we were done. My husband was scared to death. It has been wonderful for all of us.

K.

I just have to say first of all, all women carry differently and have different size babies, so the fact that he was making a comment about the size of your belly compared to someone elses is ridiculous. As far as exercising do what ever you want this is your time to be lazy and eat as much as you want if that is what you want to do. your husband should be giving you extra compliments because some women have a hard time during pregnancy time. you are supposed to get bigger, if you didn't it would not be good for the baby. Before I got pregnant the first time I was exercising more than ever. Once I got pregnant I stopped exercising and took it easy and ate what I wanted, you will have plenty of time after the baby comes to get the weight off. your husband should never ever compare you to other women pregnant or not. He chose you to be with, he should damn well appriciate you. and remind him that you are the one carrying the baby not him, he is not allowed to say one thing unless he can get pregnant to.

Hi T.,

I think that your partner is being out of line personally. I am a very active 31 year old woman in my 2nd trimester (first pregnancy) and honestly had NO idea (until now) how much being pregnant takes out of you. My husband is concerned about me being too active in fact. I would tell your husband your reaction to this and the feelings that you have as a result of his comments. Everyone's pregnancies are different so it's like comparing apples to oranges but also if I went online and saw other women in their fifth month, everyone looks so different! I will pray that he responds well to your request but you SHOULDN'T feel pressured to do anything different than what you feel like doing and especially should not be compared. I do promote the exercise during pregnancy but this can be in the form of a walk - and I encourage it more because of the way it makes you feel (less like a crazy bizzo) rather than because of maintaining a certain body image.

I hope I made you feel better, not worse.

Take care, A.

Just tell him. It is just like when one plays a musical instrument. There are always people who play better than you. There are always people who play worse than you. The trick is to never compare yourself to other people. One cannot do any better than the best you can do.
As for him comparing how much your belly sticks out compared to someone else's, I would simply get angry. It is all dependent upon the length of your torso and the individual makeup of your personal body. Try to find an articl from Omni magazine from about ten years ago about the actual feasibility of having men and women take turns carrying the child to turn. If he wants to criticize, ask him to do better himself. It is a scientific possibility. He sounds like a Loser! Also, you can tell a lot about how a woman will carry a child by looking at the opening of her ear, ask any accupuncturist.