Timeout

My husband and I just took a parenting class called Love and Logic, look it up and take a class or buy one of there cd's, it's well worth it and has changed our family completly!

You can tell them you have bad news, there fighting is hurting your ears so they can either play quietly together or quietly alone in there rooms...give them two reasonable options. It gives them control but set limits/boundrys for them.

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I wish you all the best for you and your son. The way I was brought up was we never got put in time out. We got spankings. I think alot of parents today puts their kids in time out, and personally I don't think that even works for most children. You take a switch or a belt to their bottom and you have their attention. Most kids today don't respect their parents and i think it comes from parent's not correcting them the right way. Spanking a child is only out of love and you need to let them know that. Only because you want them to be a good person and be good to others. RESPECT, RESPECT!!! That's the problem today in alot of teenagers they don't have any respect to their parents or other people and they are out here getting into TROUBLE. I'm glad my parents spanked me when I was a child, when I got out of hand. I learned very quickly. As far as putting a child in a carseat or restrain them in anyway as punishing them, I don't think that is a good idea. A carseat suppose to be something good, and if you put your child in it for time out then your child will look at it as a very bad place. And you will most likely have a hard time getting your child in one to go somewhere. Good Luck and God Bless You!

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L.,
I have 2 grown children & I can tell you what I used to do with my children. There were times with my son that time out did not work for him. I then had to remember what God's Word taught in the book of Proverbs that said something like "spare the rod, spoil the child". In other words, I used a switch & sometimes a belt on his little bottom when it was warrented. You always do this in love with the child knowing why (with you telling him in a calm manner) & like Dr. Dobson says that your hands are for loving, not for spanking.

Dr. Dobson is a wonderful Godly Christian Psychologist & I would highly recommend his books re. child rearing. One is that Love must be tough. He also has one about Raising boys. Look him up on family.org. If you could listen to his radio station in your area I think it would greatly help you too.

L., I know the best thing is to pray & ask God for guidance. I pray that you know Jesus as your Lord & Savior. I don't know what I would do without him & I mean that with every peace of my heart. If you have any ?s re him please let me know. I would be happy to tell you more about him.

Sincerely,
A.

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I don't see anything wrong with putting him in a buckle seat to help control him. My youngest will be 2 in May and I put him in his crib (he hasn't figured out how to climb out) and take everything out of it and leave him until I finish dinner, laundry, etc... or he calms down.....hang in there!!!! It will get better/easier!

A car seat. What an interesting approach. I will remember that. I like that idea. Just put it where you can see him and then he can't get out.

i have a 31/2 year old son who had the same problem with staying in time out, hitting, kicking, scratching. it is very tiring. We tried different things (for at least a week) until we found out what worked. it takes a while so be patient. Our battle would end up where he was going to take time out. he wanted to take it close to the spot (chair). i finally picked my battle and gave him choices. which helped because he felt he had some control in the situation. We would put him into his room. i know people say not to put them into their room because that is where their toys are. But it help him take a time out and me. He was not allowed out of his room until he could show that he could follow instructions. i would sit on the floor before he got out and we would talk about why he is in his room. consistency is the key to behavior problems. i can not let my child get away with anything once or the battle starts all over again. i also found that my child feeds off me and my emotions. if i am frustrated and tense his behavior is worse. i got on a low dose of lexapro which takes off the edge and helps me be realistic with him. he has to understand that hitting is not an opinion with anyone he has to use his words. the other thing i believe in is natural consequences. (if your daughter is older) allow your daughter to take care of him herself instead of coming to you. a couple of good pulls or hit from his sister and he will understand if i hurt her she is going to hurt me back. this allows them to learn to take care of themselves and their fights learning skills to working things out, which gives you time. of course this is if they are not seriously hurting each other. A really good book is S.O.S for parenting (don’t know the author). Good luck and know if you get this under control now it will make your life so much simpler in the future. Consistency and stick with something you try for at least a week before you think it is not working

Hi L.,
I feel for you right now. I had the same situation with my daughter. I tried and tried time out, and was very consistent with it but it never did work. Although I was going to be one of those moms that forbid my child to be hit or spanked, my thoughts finally changed on that. I had to change something because nothing with time out was working. I agree with Tricia and Amy. I spanked mine. I came to the conclusion I was raised that way and turned out ok, I knew right from wrong and that my parents loved me dearly, I was never beaten, just a small spanking to the bottom to get my attention, so I turned to spanking my own. I just made sure I never did it in anger. I also warned ahead of time to give her a choice, then when she continued her behavior, I would say something like, 'you know your not allowed to do this so what do you think mommy should do to punish you?' I think that got her attention more than anything as she grew to understand what was going on. It also makes you love them more when they come back at you with a teary smile and say 'give me a popsickle?',,LOL Or I would say, 'mommy is very disappointed in your behavior today so lets sit down and talk about this.' That was for the pinching, hitting, and biting, or throwing things. One thing my husband started doing when she went into tantrums that worked really well was just hold her. No one said a word to her or gave her any indication that we knew she was throwing a tantrum, he would just hold her calmly on his lap and not let her go. That stopped the tantrums quickly so we had a very short time of going thru that phase. It is a lot of phases too, seems like we went out of one right into another one at that age. I learned quickly there is no right way or wrong way when you are raising a child with love. Its trial and error for us as well as them. Sometimes you will say or do something you will be sorry for or ashamed of, such as loosing your patience or your temper, and you must apologize and show your love to your child, in turn to learn them they must also apologize when they do wrong. We are all human and make mistakes, but always show the love you have for them and they will grow into good loving adults. My daughter is 20 yrs old now and has turned into a loving young lady. Spanking didn't hurt her a bit, and she still has a respect of it. I heard her tell one of her friends not to long ago, that if I was on my death bed and she did something wrong, she bet I'd come after her in a wheel chair,,LOL I took that opportunity to ask her if I ever hurt her or did she feel bad about me for spanking, and she said, NO! She was glad I had corrected her and made her the person she was. So that was a little reward for being the mother I was. Even though you think at the time you will never make it thru it, you wonder if what you are doing is right or wrong, with lots of love, you do! So hang in there, and Good Luck with what ever you find that works.

Girl, you sound like me about two years ago. I was losing my mind with my son because he would hit, bite, kick, you name it. My solution was to put him into a playpen (less restrictive than a carseat) located away from the family (if there's an audience for the tantrum, it's still getting his point across). We called it time-out. He would kick and holler in there, I knew he was fine because I could hear him. I never left him in there longer than the recommended time limit, but if I went to get him out and he was still kicking or whatever, he got more minutes. I used a visual timer for him (one of those kitchen timers) so he could see the time wasn't arbitrary, there was a definite beginning and end (unless his behavior reset the clock). It took about a week but it worked wonders! I also used 1-2-3 counts before time out so he had warning, I HAD been just staying quiet until I lost it and then put him in time-out. The 1-2-3 was more effective because eventually I would just get to 2 and he'd stop being a stinker.
Also, I was so irritable I decided to see my doctor and try an antidepressant. I was only on it about 6 months, but it reset my chemistry after having my second baby and made a huge difference (sometimes your body needs a kick-start). I wasn't already irritated in the morning by the littlest upset, you know? I never beat my kids or anything, but I was yelling a lot...I didn't want to be that kind of mom. Zoloft (what I took) seemed to be magic. It had a few side effects that went away within a few weeks and everybody benefited. In addition, I was more reasonable to see where I could make adjustments in MY behavior to help my kid's behavior.

Hope this helps, good luck!

I highly recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Phelan. I never thought I'd get parenting tips from a book but we are foster to adopt parents and my little girl (whom we just found out we get to adopt!) she can throw some awesome tantrums and she is 6yrs old and I felt the same way. Her counselor recommended the book to me and it's already working!! He is very practical and common sense and I am loving it. If you are interested there is also a 1-2-3 Magic, Parenting For Christians. That's the one I have, I absolutely love it.

R.

First of all, I commend you for taking action when he does these things. When they are that young, consistency is the key. If something is wrong 1 time, it's wrong every time. Second, though, try to keep in mind that he is only 2. I got so frustrated with my son when he was that age, because he was getting in trouble for the same things over and over again. I read somewhere (I'm sorry but I can't remember where) that at that age they don't always realize that what they do has hurt someone. They just see the reaction it gets and think that it's fun. So, this is what I did (I may be considered a horrible mom, but it worked): Any time that he pulled hair, or bit or pinched someone, I would do it to him. Nothing drastic, mind you, just enough so that he could see that it hurts to have your hair pulled, or when someone bites you. After a couple of times, he stopped pretty much completely. Remember, though, that you are the boss...not him.

When my son was little he didn't understand what time out was supposed to be. When he did something bad I strapped him into his booster seat, strapped the tray on and turned the chair to face the corner or wall. He would scream and pitch a fit , but eventually he'd calm down I'd take him out and tell him "time out is done". He did figure out that when he calmed down he would get out of his punishment. He's five and will still do a decent time out.

Good Luck! J.

L., I know your frustration. However, I personally would not consider restraining your son for time out. Its seems he is wanting some attention. When he acts out, put him in time out and set a kitchen timer for 2 minutes (1 minute for every year of age)and explain that he can't get up until the timer goes off. If he gets up, repeatedly put him back. Don't give up, even when your exhausted. He has to know you mean what you say.
I also try to include my sons when possible. For example, when cooking I give my two year old and bowl or pot and spoon and tell him I need some help. If I am folding laudry I ask him to find all the socks or red clothes for example. Sure this might require extra time, but I think that what he wants is your time.
Also, He may need another form of discipline. What works for one child might not work for the other. I use "123 Magic" with my two boys (ages 2 and 3) We have had success with this thus far.
Please know I have no jugdements for you because I to have been there and still get frustrated as a mother. You just have to do the best you can and know how to do. You have your hands full with two children and a household to run alone during the week. I truly think you will sees a change if you give some extra time to your son. Good luck.

OH L., calling the nearest Nanny 911! Use the traveling "time out" pad so that you can keep him in sight and don't have to leave what you are doing; or go so far away from it. You may have to make a few trips back and forth yet the consistency will eventually pay off. One minute for each year. SO two minutes, time out and like the famous lady says, once time is up, remind him of the reason he was placed there, tell him he needs to say sorry to you, once he can say these words and give him a "Mommy loves you" and get a big hug. AND GOOD LUCK! He just needs to know who's boss. He will have more respect for your authority. Have you ever watched the show? Great Show!

Blessings,
K.

L., I'm sure you're really busy, but if you can, watch Super Nanny on TV. Her pointers on behavioral issues are just fabulous! Key points are:
-get on their level to talk to them
- put on time out, 1 minute for every year of age
- if they leave the time out chair (or spot), calmly lead them back there.... again and again if need be
- tell them the behavior they did that put them on time out
- always speak in a stern voice when correcting
- when time out is over, repeat why they were on time out, and get an apology.
- most important - be consistant!

These things WILL take extra effort on the front end... but after less than a week, you should see significant results that will pay off in the long run.

My two year old is the same way... what got to her was when I would put her in time out and everytime she decided to evade I would put her back. (We've done this for two hours before.) I also take a toy away from her that she loves and put it where she can see it but can't get it... while she's in time out!!! If she cry's for the toy or leaves her spot then another toy is added. She doesn't get them back until she does something nice... that's her reward. She understands the concept so well that when she plays with her toys and they "do something bad" she put's them in time out with their toys in reach... that's how I know she understands!!! Good luck!

I have actually told my son to sit down, then he'll get up. If he does that more than a couple times, I firmly tell him to sit down, and I kinda hold him there for a second or two. Its really a control struggle. He has to understand you are in control.
I understand being short tempered. I'm naturally that way. Sometimes I feel really bad about it, but I just try to realize that I'm doing it so I can stop.
You have to be consistent about it the time out and stuff.
Inconsistency is the worst thing you can do. If he gets in trouble for doing something once, he has to every time or he'll get confused and he'll keep pushing you. He's just testing his boundaries.

I have never used a corner persay. I sit my son in the closest chair to where I am taking care of whatever it is I have to be doing so that if he would move, I was right there. I never had much trouble w/him, but there were a few times. As far as the behavior, I tried EVERYTHING when he went thru the biting stage. The LAST thing I wanted to do was bite him back, but one night he latched on so tight it started to bring blood. My only choice was to bite his arm hard enough that he KNEW "OWW! That hurts!", yet not hard enough to actually hurt him. That was 2 and a half years ago and he's never done it sense. I also have a short fuse, but have learned being a mom to BREATHE before you punish!

hello my mom used to put us in time out and if got up with out asking she added more time. also we were not allowed to in where a tv or anything fun was,we had to ask to go to bathroom, and if was cooking we had to stay with her. also if he has tv in his room take till learns to behave.and my mom would sit and tell us why we having the time, every time and i know thats hard to have time for but i worked with us,and my brothers too.my mom also spanked us but only once on the bottom.

Take back your house! I think your son sees himself as the boss of the house. If he knows he can frustrate you then he has won. I am not advising you to be abusive but be in control. Set boundaries then don't give in to his temper tantrums, whining, or attitudes. It is hard to swallow, but keep in mind that in order to train our children we need to be trained as well. Things we as parents used to do are no longer acceptable, and the same can be said for your children. I would recommend you read Boundaries with Kids, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend (5 stars on Amazon.com). Another book from a Christian point of view is Parenting is Heart Work by Turansky and Miller (4.5 stars on Amazon.com). Be prepared to go into battle and be determined to be the victor. You can do it!

i think the carseat sounds like a good idea. I actually have a baby gate fencing in the time out area. Or I sometimes just use the playpen for time out

I have a 2 1/2 year old and she didn't really understand timeout until recently. My suggestion is to say firmly, 'hitting hurts' or 'hands are not for hitting' and then show him 'gentle touch' is nice. Do this hand over hand. My husband and I became good actors with our 'sad' face whenever our daughter would hit or kick. We said, 'we don't hurt our family'. Give him a positive response to positive behavior because that is what he is looking for. hitting is a way to get your attention; but it's unacceptable. be consistent in how you respond and it should go away soon enough. We also feel that hitting a child when they show these behaviors is hypocritical. I think it's a phase most children go through as they are discovering their independence, and are trying to learn the boundaries.

L.,

Your son's behaviour may be an attempt to get attention. If kids don't get enough positive attention, they often act in negative ways to get it. Perhaps if you played with him and gave him your undivided attention for short (15 minutes) periods throughout the day, that might help. It's the undivided part that is important. I am always multitasking throughout the day. This has helped for my kids.

C.

How long do you try to keep him in timeout? A two year old should only be expected to be in timeout for a minute or two at the most according to things I've read. I'm not so sure restraining him in a carseat, etc would be a good idea. I think if you just persist in returning him to his timeout area without getting upset (yelling, etc) then he will eventually get the message.

Car seat sounds like an excellant idea! You my dear are in charge.Have you watched supper nanny! SHe has awesome tecniques!Make your son stay in the time out area. Make the area the same everytime.Turn down the burner so your food don't burn.Stick with it,It will eventually sink in!Be vigulant and steady,don't waver,he will see it and take advantage!

I had the same issue with my 2 year old daugther. We first set one corner as the "time out" area that was away from things, but not so far from me that I couldn't see. 2nd we put my boppy nursing pillow as a place to sit and she was told not to move or their would be other consequences.. a pop, no dessert... etc. When that didn't work, we set a focal point for her to put her face in the corner so that her nose touches the corner. There were a few times when I just had to sit and hold her there.. which doesn't help with the getting other stuff done, but she really didn't like me holding her there, so then I gave her the option to set there on her own and she always chose that. In short, the best thing we did was set the consequence that if she got out, she would get a pop. That was always a motivator for her to remain, but the key is consistency. It's NEVER easy.. especially when the hubby is not around. I have a similar situation in that my husband is doing his masters and studies and goes to class. I will pray for you as I know this is a very trying time.

Your Child could be Hyper and jealous of his sister. I had a Granddaughter who would lash out at her brother and scratch him. You must be firm with him. Pat his little hands and tell him no if that is allowed. Look him in the eyes and be strong. Then after you can hold him and let him know you love him.

Hey L.,

Just alittle about me I'm married and I have a 9yr old daughter and a 3yr son. So I know what your going though with your son at the age 2 . I think timeout is great but what I found out to work with my son was when he would bite someone or me I would bite him back and say how does that feel and explain to him why we dont bite or etc. and then put him in timeout and if he gets up put him in his room and tell dont come out until he can be nice.

Dear L.,
How frustrated you must be! I would not advise buckling him in a car seat, simply because it will teach him that "She can lock me in here then I can't do it, but wait until I get out, I'll do it again and I can't be stopped! She can only stop me with this chair!" It will not teach self-control at all. Perhaps as a last resort to end a tantrum, explaining that he can come out as soon as he is in control of his actions, but not as an every day type of time out.

How long at a time are you reinforcing the timeout? What seems like hours to us may actually be 5 minutes, because of the stress level. Are you coming eye-to-eye with your child for a quiet, personal discussion of "why not" and "this is how" before the time out? This helps him to understand that you are serious, this will please you and this is important. Is your hubby able to help reinforce your rules when he is home?

Remember to give him hugs and accolades whenever he is being good. He wants your attention- losing it is his best punishment. Have you told your son he may have a special treat (non-food) for going a reasonable time without this behavior? Perhaps a special story time, an hour of play with just you and him with no sister, Daddy or telephones; perhaps a trip to a playground with just you and him, or a trip to the library with a book or video to come home for his enjoyment for overnight would be a good incentive. He may just be trying to get more attention and the aim is to teach him that positive behavior begets positive consequences. At his age, the time for good behavior may have to be short, say from breakfast to nap time, or from nap time to dinner, and then progress to the special trips. When he has gone a whole day without the negative behavior, maybe he could have a one-on-one trip to the $1 store to pick out a little toy. He will probably treasure it because he has earned it.

All of these little actions teach a child that good behavior receives good attention, without teaching them that they need to be rewarded for every little thing. As he develops, he may be told he is old enough to understand how to behave without a special reward, but still receive special attention and recognition for good behavior. He will then be old enough to reward bigger issues. He will become very proud of the fact that he has not had to be reprimanded or have time out in 'xx' days!

Blessings and best wishes,
Suzanne

Hi, I know it is so hard and you are incredibly tired, but my advice is to just keep up the routine of picking him up and setting him back down in timeout. Be prepared - it could go on for up to 30 minutes (or more!) depending upon the strong willed nature of your child. But don't give in. He'll know you'll eventually "break" and will stop asking him to sit in a time out. I agree with the other mom - I don't think a restrictive device/car seat would be best. That may really scare him, and then you may have the problem of never getting him to get in the car without getting upset. Also, when you put him back in his timeout area, remain as calm as you can. No yelling; just sit him back down over and over again and say - You are in time out because you "fill in the blank for whatever he did". And I know it's hard with other children, but if there is consistency, he will eventually stay put. Good luck- you can do it!

Timeout was created as a time and place to regroup and think about what you have done. Does he understand why he is there? It is not to be a punishment place but a regrouping place (soft pillow place even). Pick up the book by John Gottman (you can get it used on Amazon)entitled "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Read it for a lifetime of good practices for you as a parent.