Time Out! - Central Falls,RI

You are going to hear a wide variety of opinions here and I will tell you mine. I operate a home daycare and my kids begin time-outs when they are around 14 months. I had one mom tell me yesterday, after telling her earlier in the day that her daughter had a self-imposed time out, that she used it at home and it worked.

Some people will say that kids don't understand at that age...I am here to tell you, they do! And it is a very effective tool, used correctly.

JMHO...

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I don't agree with using timeouts...I don't think they TEACH your child anything...what he needs is interaction with you...talking about acceptable behavior...letting him know that his feelings of anger or fear are perfectly normal...and that you are there to help him deal with them.
I think the only thing that time out teaches them is that they are being put aside...left alone to stew in the anger,fear,frustration or whatever he is dealing with...instead of having his parent there to help walk him through the ordeal.

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What ever gets your childs attention is what you need to do. You will have to try several methods to see which one your child responds to the best. You want your child to learn that when you say "no" or "stop" they will mind that command.
Say your child is 20 ft away from you and about to touch something hot, or pull on something that is going to fall and be dangerous, or stick his hand out to an unknown animal that might harm him, you want him to startle when you say "NO!" so he stops what he's doing in his tracks. Personally, I don't think "time outs" teach that. At 18 mos a slap on the hand or loudly rapping a rolled up newspaper on something right next to him in unison with the word "NO" or "STOP" is much more effective. Worked for me and my kids are fine. Once you know they know what "no" means and continue to defy you purposely THEN they are ready for time outs as the back up punishment.

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I totally understand the use of a crib or paypen for time outs, they can't escape. But both items are also used as a safe play area and a place to sleep. If you use the crib as punishment he will associate bedtime with punishment. In a year or two you will be battleing him to go to bed at night because he will think he's been naughty. Look around (thrift stores, yard sales) for a little chair or bench that is his time-out chair. That's his time out spot. It's takes a few days to teach him he's on time out and may not get up but it works.

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Every child is different, and time-outs just don't work for some kids. When used, the ideal is not to punish, but to give the child a chance to reset his emotional balance if he's upset and acting out, or to consider why certain behavior isn't acceptable. And the one-minute-per-year rule is actually pretty arbitrary – some kids will tolerate less, some would need extra time to regain their equilibrium. I also agree that you don't want crib or play area associated with punishment. But if parents take one or two minutes to quietly sit with the child, give him a chance to calm down if needed, and explain what the desired behavior would be, that will work well for many children.

With that in mind, some parents and child psychologists believe that there's nothing to be gained, and a great deal to lose, by a "punitive" approach. Especially if it turns into an extended struggle, with the child repeatedly escaping and the parent repeatedly dragging the child back to the time-out spot and starting the clock again. This becomes terribly hard on both the child and the parent, and since the idea is to help the child understand self-control and find calming alternatives to his behavior, what's the point? Both parties end up furious, upset, and often raging or crying – about the punishment, and the original misbehavior is completely forgotten.

Once the whole affair becomes a battle of wills, the parent, understandably, thinks she MUST win, and the only way to accomplish that is emotional and physical force. A child who's just beginning to understand himself as a separate being with separate desires and motives is understandably confused and frustrated by a setup that seems to set his parents against his most basic needs. The same thing can happen when we start taking away toys or privileges if the child does not see a connection between the punishment and the misdemeanor. The resulting antagonistic relationship is sad, confusing for both parties, and unnecessary.

A child does not come equipped to understand his own feelings and needs, and benefits from parents modeling positive ways to get these basic needs met. This mean communication, consisting of a clear expression of the parents' feelings, and clear acknowledgement of the child's perceived needs, and a respectful attempt to find acceptable alternatives.

Consider this: kids have the same kinds of feelings as adults, only magnified. If a grownup were punished by her boss through force, or shaming, or scolding, or isolation for doing something that seemed like the most normal thing to do under the circumstances (or failing to do something that was still outside her range of experience and choice), she would rightfully feel outraged at worst, or at least confused and counfounded. It would work better for everyone if the boss explained clearly what he expected, and ideally showed how it was done. With a child, it's necessary to be consistent and show the alternative again and again, because little kids just won't learn it the first dozen times. That doesn't mean that they can't learn, or don't want to learn, or would prefer to disobey. Cooperation is a gradually-learned skill. And kids do learn it, possibly even faster when their parents do their best to cooperate with the child's needs.

Many parents require the child to apologize after a misdemeanor. I personally think this is teaching the child to tell a convenient lie so he can get back to his play. It is fine, however, to model, early and often, the civilized art of apology. Just as with any other courtesy, children learn best by seeing, hearing, and receiving those courtesies.

Here are two related approaches many young families I know find to be sane, compassionate, encouraging and positive. For younger children, I'm impressed by the approach used by Dr. Harvey Karp in The Happiest Toddler on the Block. You can find a whole set of videos and interviews on this in youtube if you'd like to see this alternative in action.

For more verbal kids, I can't recommend strongly enough the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, in a clear, easy-to-read cartoon format. Though it's non-punitive (in the forceful sense), this is not parent-as-pushover stuff, but it does help the child understand how his needs AND his parents' needs fit together in the same household. You'll be glad you tried this approach!

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I wouldn't use the crib as a time-out, because then he may start to associate his crib (bedtime) with punishment. You may have a child that associates bedtime with negative feelings. You don't want that!

Instead, find a neutral spot in your house, like a corner of the living room, and set up a playpen. Or, just set out a pillow or a chair. That's the time-out spot. Any time he's naughty, tell him that he broke a rule and he has to sit in the time-out chair. If he leaves the chair/pillow, just put him back. Let him know that you are the boss and he has to follow your rules.

If he's only 18 months, only make him stay in time-out for about a minute. When he's finished his time, remind him not to repeat the bad behavior...then drop it. He's served his time, so don't continue to ride him about it. Give him a hug and move on with your day.

http://keystosimpleliving.com/kids_behavior.php

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I started timeouts with my kids at 1 yrs old. They worked with my children. I never timed them at that age as long as I could get them to sit for a couple seconds and if they got up I put them back for a couple more sec. and then would say timeout was over and tell them again why they were sitting down and to say sorry ( when they couldnt say it they would rub my face) and then a hug and kiss. When we were outside or somewhere that i couldnt walk away I would sit with them and we would have to count to ten as the timeout. I would not hold him in the timeout because I think it makes them madder. If you are consistent in it he will learn to sit. Good Luck

I did not start time outs until I was absolutely certain that my child would understand why and was able to, at the end of the time out tell me why I had given her the time out and apologize for the behavior.
Until that point I was not convinced that it would do any thing other than upset and or confuse her.
But I think it needs to be a child by child case.
You are around your son the most, only you will know. Try it and see if he gets it.
Also, I agree, do not use the crib, use a place free of toys and not associated with other activities like sleeping and eating.

Time outs definitely work at this age! find a little mat or rug, and put it in the time-out spot. Sit him down on it and tell him he is in time-out for ____, and to stay. If he gets up, haul him back and tell him again. The first few times will be a battle of wills, but once he 'gets it' he will start learning from it.

If you have to hold him there, then time out isn't working - he's getting MORE of your attention, which I know is the opposite of what you want to do. The purpose of time out is to deprive a child of the fun, attention & activities that are pleasurable so that he learns what happens when he engages in negative behavior. So, you can put him in his room and put a childproof doorknob guard on the inside so he cannot get out on his own. This doesn't work if the room is a treasure trove of toys, however - if he LIKES being in his room all the time, it's not always helpful. "Oh great, I was naughty and now I get to play in my room with my best toys!" LOL

Or, at 18 months, you can try to redirect him into a more positive activity. The usual "rule" I've heard is one minute of time out per year of age - so a 2 year old is left for 2 minutes, a 3 year old for 3 minutes, etc. Some people set a timer but I don't think it's too useful at 18 months.

I don't think there is ever a right age for time outs. They make no sense to me and we have never done them. Toddlers do not sit and think about what they did 'wrong' when you put them in a time out. I think the lesson they actually absorb is that when they are angry/sad/upset, they are unlovable and mommy/daddy puts them somewhere. I think positive discipline is a much better approach.

Time outs work for my 15 month old. But they are only for less than a minute and we tell him why. For example, he likes to push the buttons on the dishwasher and turn it on. We will redirect him once, but if he goes back and turns on our empty dishwasher, then he gets a 30 second time-out to think about it and to think of other things to do besides playing with things he was asked not to touch. It actually works and he will sit until we tell him that time is up and he can go play again. If you just pull him away we get a temper tantrum, but for some reason time-out makes sense to him.

time-out works for all ages! In my daycare, I have an 18month old who's put himself in time-out since he was about 14months old! It is toooo funny! He is so self-governing that if he does something where I redirect him (or if a friend hurts his feelings)....then off to the time-out spot he goes!

& what's interesting is that he initiated this....by watching the older kids! Sooo, to encourage this with your son, find a little chair & begin using it as the designated time-out spot. The first couple of times, you'll need to talk him thru the proces....but then he'll get it. & since he's only 18months, all you need is 1 minute of cooperation. I know it sounds like it's pointless, but it truly will set the tone for punishment when he's older. Good Luck!

You're gonna get a LOT of different responses here--from the SuperSpanker Brigade, etc.
If redirection and a warning doesn't work, try putting him into a pack & play for 1-2 minutes. I agree about not using his crib--you don't want him to associate sleeping with punishment...
Time outs did NOT work for us at 18 mos. Itwas more like a time out for ME--holding him in time out! LOL

Don't use his crib as a place for time outs or punishment unless you want to start sleep problems! He will come to associate his bed with a place that you put him when he has done something wrong and not as a place for calmness and rest. A time out chair, with a very short time period at his age is appropriate, even if you have to stay with him while he is there. As he gets older , you can set a timer as a signal that the time out has ended.

Well I am not part of the "super spanker brigade," but we do both spankings and time outs. They both work effectively at different times, for different things.
For us, when we do time outs, we send our daughter to her room...and we tell her when she stops crying or throwing a fit she can come out. When she does we talk about the behavoir.
At first it didn't last long. I think she thought she couldn't come out at all forever, so literally she would go to her room for like 5 seconds. Eventually she learned it's just to calm down. So I will say it takes a while to get them to stay put.
I have never timed her time outs and I probably never will. I just feel as long as she calms down (and not just faking that she's calm) and is able to talk to me after to understand it works (for us).
I also agree with Reverend Ruby about not using his crib or pack n play. When my daughter was an infant she developed negative feelings against her crib because I used it as a space to contain her while I took a quick shower. She absolutely hated it and wouldn't go near it. Granted she never really slept in it before that, but containing her in it knowing I was going to leave the room made her hate it. It got to the point where I would pick her up and place her over teh crib and she would scream and kick.
So I would definately think about something else to use as a time out spot. Get a special chair or rug and just start putting him on it for time outs. When he gets up take him right back if you don't feel he got the point. At my inlaws house our daughters timeout spot is behind a certain chair (where she can't see us in the living room but is close enough for us to monitor)...so it could be almost anthing.
Good luck!