Time Issues with My 8YO Daughter

Have you tried having her shower and pick out her clothes at night instead of in the mornings. You're not alone...same here w/my 12yo. She doesn't have any concept of time management. I've learned not to compare because my 9yo is a speed racer. Sometimes, I have to tell him to slow it down. If I could take some of her slowness and some of his rushing to even them both out, boy life would be just grand! Unfortunetly, everyone different. I was thinking of getting a timer and allocating certain time to get certain things done.

I just got to work right now after dealing with my lovely daughter doing this. The whole reason I am rushing around is so she can get to her activities. So I tell her ok that is it I am telling you once and if you aren't ready you will be late and don't blame me. She was late to Safety Patrol and now she hussles out the the door. I think you are going to have to allow her to be late to volleyball or tell her she isn't going if she can't get ready. Why should you as a parent run around trying to get her to places? I know I have had it and I am putting my foot down. Either she is ready for it or we don't go.
Just know you aren't alone in this battle. :-)

I had this problem a couple of years ago with my now 8 year old. One morning, we were headed out to a Girl Scout event. It was already paid for so I hated for her to miss it. However, after several warnings, she was still not ready to go, so I left without her. She was devastated to miss the event, but she's never done that again and it only cost me $2. It was worth it!

You say that she DOES mind being late to school and soccer
practice. I think modelling a behavior and natural
consequences are key. Alert soccer coach and 1st period
teacher that a natural consequence will be that she will be
late and can they give her a grace period (no humiliation)
but no praise either. This puts control in her hands. Be
sure you are ready at the door for flight when she
presents her ready self. Find out what responses from teachers and coach work for her and LOTS OF GOOD LUCK.

The elementary school principal of the school my kids attend told the parents once at a PTA Meeting, "If your child cannot get themselves ready for school and you are constantly having to chivvy them out the door, and they don't care or have a concept of time, you have my full permission to bring them to school in their pj's." It so happened that one of the parents did land up bringing her daughter to school in pjs, no shoes or socks (mom put them in her backpack.) Her daughter screamed and threw a fit and didn't want to get out of the car, but between the mom and the principal they got her out and she spent all day at school in her pjs. NEVER happened again.

Your daughter has control of this situation and she likes it. It is probably a sub-conscious thing (it's not like she's sitting there rubbing her hands together and saying, "I have mom right where I want her") but there is definitely a control issue and she is in control.

But if you march her to the car in her pjs, or her regular clothes for volleyball and explain to the coach that 'sorry. She didn't dress." it will only take a few times (if that) for you to regain control.

I also like what someone else said about 'stealing time'. I had not thought of that before. I have family members who are always late and I get so mad at them - because it feels like they don't respect us enough to be on time.

Hello? Did I submit a request and didn't realize I did it? You are me!!! ha!ha!
I like the consequences (PJ's) and timer. The timer seems to work for my 10 year old. My 16 year old can't be bothered. Yes...fix it now or you will have a 16 year old on your hands.
I know your little girl is too young, but about three weeks ago - I finally lost it. No one wanted to get up or get ready. We need to leave at 6:40am. I was ready at 6:40am. So, I made me a small breakfast and went back to my room to watch the morning news (something I miss). At 7am - they were wondering what time we were leaving.
Guess what? I told them they weren't ready on time and unless they found a ride to school...I wasn't taking them. Mouths hit the floors...tears came flooding. I stood my ground. I left for work at 7:30am and a list of chores to be done. The note to school was "Alli didn't feel like getting ready on time. I agree this is unexuseable and no make up time will be allowed."
Have not had a problem with the 10 year old since. The 16 year old tested me the following day. So, I left her in bed. I got off early that day and she asked if I had time to take her to school before I went to the Dr. "Sorry - my day is planned already. I didn't make time for a school ride." She even called me at the Dr. office to ask if she used her own money, could she take a cab. She attends a private school 15 miles away...I told her if she wanted to waste $40 - she could do whatever. Needless to say, she missed out on TWO days of assignments. Oh well!
Since then, she's been up on time and ready before me.
I know your girl is too little, but maybe if you have a relative or neighbor willing to come over and watch her (she will need to finish a list of chores).
It took me long enough to figure it out, but I think I got it...I had to prove to them I was serious!!!
Good luck...

I have a dear friend who had this problem with her son. Her solution was to give him a choice. She told him that if he didn't get dressed on time he would have to go to school in his pajamas. It was his choice - either get dressed on time or go to school in your PJs. Well, it only took one time. He went to school in his PJs and from then on he started to get dressed on time. She hasn't had an issue with it since. I've never tried this as my daughter as she is an infant, but I believe that children want some control and need to be given choices.

I have to laugh at the PJs advice. My daughter would love to go to school in her PJs. She will spend the whole day in her PJs when she doesn't have school! One of the books I've read is that you set the alarm and if they aren't ready in time, they go to bed 15 min earlier and wake up 15 min earlier. (Going to bed earlier is the consequence). For example, if she normally goes to bed at 8:00, it gets pushed back to 7:45, 7:30, 7:15, 7:00 - every day it gets pushed back until they figure out how to get themselves ready on time. NO yelling, just matter of fact tell them that if they can't get themselves ready on time, they will go to bed earlier. They have to earn the later bed time. Other people I know have a chore/task chart - list everything she has to do to get ready in the morning and she checks it off. Give incentives for every 5 days she completes her tasks on time. Maybe she earns extra game time or T.V. time or whatever motivates her. Put the responsibility on her. If you like to read, order "Ready for Responsibility" by Bob Barnes. You can get it cheap on half.com.

Two thoughts...
First, natural consequences. Set up a system for her to help herself (timer idea was nice) and then let the cards lay where they lay and if she goes to school in pj's she goes in pj's. Apply this to all situations.
Second, talk with her about how disruptive it is to everyone else, and see if she will work from empathy. give her freedom to be on her own timetable at other times and tell her when she needs to work with the family.
Personal responsibility is a huge thing and it seems like she's lacking in this circumstance. Good luck.

I'm all for rewards and punishments some of the time, but to me it just sounds like she's never *really* experienced the natural consequences of her (in)actions. So what would happen if you didn't dress her? She'd be late. She'd miss volleyball. It sounds like those things are upsetting to her. I'm a big fan of letting kids figure out for themselves what really happens if you don't have someone there nagging and threatening. It's so much work as a parent and the kids don't really learn. My son used to throw enormous tantrums about having to do his homework (Do I HAVE to!?! It's BORING!!!) so we just decided that actually, he didn't have to. We told him he would get one reminder when we got home and then not another word. Well, the idea of not having his homework done and the shame associated w/ that had him do his homework without me having to nag!!! It was so liberating.
Good luck!

W., You've rec'd some great advice already but I'll just add my 2 cents. I like the sending her to school with her PJ's idea. It should take just one episode of that! And I also agree with if she's not ready for volleyball, she'll either be late or have to miss it altogether. What I did with my kids, if they caused us to be late, I would take away a privilege. Later in the day, they would want to go somewhere or do something, and I'd say 'Sorry, you weren't on time this morning, so you can't do what you want.' It didn't take long before they got the picture. She needs to learn there are consequences for her actions and her not being on time will cause her to miss out. Remember...you snooze you lose! :O) Good luck!

I was you a few months ago with my 7 year old son! He was really the worst time manager ever! I did a little "Nanny" trick and we have to going great ever since.

We sat down together and discussed that he is always moving slowly/making the rest of us late. How can we fix this? How about if we reward him for doing this quicker??!! OH that got his attention! I went to the $5 store and brought a whole bunch of things he likes i.e, Pokeman, Bakugan. Then we sat down and made a list of how long we think it is appropriate to do something; Getting out of bed, once we wake you - 5 mins, taking a shower - 10 mins. Brushing your teeth, 5 mins and so on.

We brought him a timer, like an egg timer - he loves it! We say OK shower should be 10 mins, lets see if you can do it and set the timer - then we WALK AWAY! Let him work it out on his own. Most things are now quicker than the set time because he was rewarded for it - it's awesome and even keeps are 5 year old moving quicker! Now that we have been doing this for a while, it's like the conception of time has clicked and we really don't even have to reward for it - he just does things quicker now and has a better understanding of how longs things should take to do. I guess it's like anything else in life, we learn with practice. Hope you try it and it works for you!

I read some where some great ideas. Here is what I remember. At night, set out the clothes that she has picked out, including socks and shoes. After that have her shower and get ready for bed. (I have a small basket for each one of my kids.) That way it is all together and out for the next morning. In the morning, use a timer. Set the timer for 1 to 10 minutes depending on the action. Brush teeth, 2 minutes. Wash face and hand, 1 minutes. Get dresses 5 minutes. You can also use a chart to give stars, stickers, for each activity. Once she has earned so many stickers, she get to pick some little trinket that she wants. You can buy these before hand and have them ready or take her to the store where she can pick out 1 toys/book for a pre set price, $5 or so. This will take practice on her part as well as yours. I would practice this first on a weekend and see what you think and what she does.
Good luck!

Wow you have received some great advice. We were having the same problem with my nine year old. Tried everything, timer, rewards, etc. Nothing was working. Then my husband and I saw The Worlds Stricted Parents. We have taken some of the things we do from there. If she does get out the door on time then she has an extra chore to do. If she back talks about it the we take away the bed. To much energy to sit and do homework then we go out and run it off. It works very well no more following her around tring to get her to do things. They amazingly get done in a resonable amount of time. This will not work for every kid, but so far it has worked for mine.
By the way we only took the bed away for a couple of hours last weekend and have just had to remind that we will do it again and the time issue amazingly changes.

After the "talk" about stealing other people's time when you're late and it being something that you can NEVER repay, I bought one of those "clocks" that you can set the hands on and told my son that we were leaving the house when his clock got to the time on the fake one. He had to go to school in his pajamas one day. He wasn't happy about it and I had to explain to the teacher and the prinicple why he was in his pj's, but it was his choice and I didn't back down. It NEVER happened again. Knnowing that I would follow thru - and I certainly did and would have again - embarrased him too much to let it happen again. I think he was 6 at the time. As long as she can tell time (and if she can't, explain to her how the clock works and let it happen), you're giving HER the responsiblilty. I didn't yell, I didn't harrang - just herded him into the car and went. Sometimes fewer words are best. Good luck

If she doesn't understand the concept of time, you are doing everything so she never has to. Let her be late for school once, or twice or let her be late for volleyball - bring your other kids, leave her at home if she is not ready. Does she do this at school? If not, she is manipulating you - she knows which buttons to push to make you crazy - let her lose out several times. Also make use of a wind up alarm clock and a timer to help her understand - if she's not ready, she goes as she is or not at all. Good luck.

Have you tried a kitchen timer in the bathroom? If you expect her out in say, 15 min. from the shower, set it for the 15. Tell her that she has 15 min & when the dinger goes off, she's getting out regardless if her hair is shampooed or even rinsed. Does she have a clock w/the hands on it or digital? If digital, perhaps trying a clock w/the hands on it would wk better. Sometimes visually 'seeing' where the hands are helps in knowing she has til the big hand gets to the 4. For example if she's supposed to be up at, say 7:15, then tell her she has to be up & finished showering when the hand is on the 6, then try the kitchen timer idea to help her know when that is, when the timer goes off, go in the bthroom & get her out whether she's rinsed or not. If she complains, just explain that she had 15 min to shower & 15 min is up & praise her if she's out on time. If she's not & complains, you might say something like "next time, you'll know how long that is & will be finished & ready to get out, otherwise you'll still get out regardless if you've shampooed or rinsed or not". I know that may sound cruel but sometimes you just hafta be assertive & stick to it to get a point across. Then tell her she has 5 minutes to get dressed when the hand is on the 7. If you prefer 10 min, that's whatever you choose to do, I'm just using that as an example. Then tell her she has 10-15 min to eat & point out "you have til the big hand is on the 9 to finish eating". Of course this is just an example, you can set the times however you like. Just show her where the hands are on the clock & go by that, use that as a time table. Hope this helps, good luck!

I was still helping our 8yo get ready in the morning - not every day - but frequently. The summer between 3rd /4th grade she was getting ready all by herself.

Some things to consider:
- Lay her clothes out for the next day the night before
- Have her shower at night - not in the morning when time is short
- Let her help with dinner so that she understands what is happening and when
- Does she tell time? If so, show her when something is ready or set a timer
- Don't drive home to changes clothes for volleyball - have her change at school or even in the car - speed can work wonders if she thinks someone can see her

Maybe give her a time frame to work within when assigning tasks. Say - you have 20 minutes to get dressed - is she's not ready take something away from her. If she is ready, reward her at the end of the week with her accomplishments.

Does she stay on task during school?

Hi W.,
Sounds to me like she could have some higher level processing "glitches" that need to be addressed. I can empathize because I had a head injury years ago that left me with a couple of higher level cognitive deficits which caused me to be unable to complete actions, thoughts, etc. in spite of my good intentions and effort. Divided and alternating attention is one area that I struggle with and, despite my intelligence and persistent efforts, I was just not able to, for example, complete a task with several steps to it if I had the least little interruption to divide my attention. If your daughter is of average intelligence at least, I'd highly recommend that you have her evaluated for ADHD, ADD, or other cognitive processing issues. If she's in public school, the school psychologist should be able to do that for you for free I think. This is not the kind of thing that will label her "special needs" but it will give her teachers the information they'll need to support her learning processes better.

I've been an early childhood development and education specialist for about 25 years and have worked with "average", "gifted", and "special needs" children. Many children with this cognitive processing problems are actually of higher intelligence than average children but are stifled because they process information differently than most. Once they're given the specific instruction needed to address their learning style, they often end up in gifted programs.

Good luck and feel free to contact me if I can be of any help.
L. Harvey
____@____.com

I have this issue with my 12 yo. He just has no idea! It has gotten better with age, but not much. We have given him statements like "be dressed by the time I get back." Now, he has no idea when we are getting back so often, he gets dressed immediately.

Homework takes forever and so do chores. He is just on his own schedule. He is a feeler, not a thinker and those types despise schedules.

You may think about making a chart that has all the things she needs to get done on it, but I am not sure that that is going to help. It also sounds as if she may be a little ADD and just can't focus on getting whatever it is done.

Sorry I was not more help. Good Luck!

We had this issue with our now-12 year old. There was not anything we could do to speed her up-except be on top of her every minute. Then she started Jr High and she completely changed. She getts her self up and ready and is mad if she misses bus (Her brother could bring her every morning but she likes getting to school early??) I really dont know what changed her that would help you..other than her getting older and growing up a bit.

If she's taking too long in the shower washing & conditioning her hair, would a really cute, short haircut help your day begin on time? Not a punishment, but long hair is a hassle if you shower in the mornings!

Get the book 'Have a New Kid by Friday!' It will be good for both of you!

It won't help in the shower, but if you are really serious about fixing this, you can do what I've done with a lot of the kids who need private tutoring for behavior management (which I'm sure yours doesn't!) and buy a visual timer. Look them up on google. For kids who don't make the connection, visually seeing the red run out helps. You need to set it up with natural consequences as well. Take the volleyball example. You say, "You need to be dress by the time the red runs out. If you are not dress, we will not go to volleyball." And then set the timer. It may mean missing practice once, but if she loses out on something she loves she will make the connection all the more quickly. Good luck!

My 7-year-old son is the same way. I already know that he has ADHD among other problems. We're on a tight schedule in the mornin- wake up at 6:30, bus comes at 6:55. If I turn on his light, put his clothes on the bed, and walk away, he won't get dressed. Most days, I stay there and help him with each step. (This is progress from pre-k when I would carry him downstairs with his blanket) Next I have him watch 20 minutes of TV while he eats breakfast. This way he will actually sit still long enough to eat without getting distracted. He knows that if he doesn't get downstairs fast enough, he'll miss part of the show. When it's over, he should get up, go to the bathroom, put on his shoes, etc. Then when the bus honks, it's time to leave. I still have to remind him even though we've had the same schedule for alomost 2 years.
On weekends when we aren't in a hurry, he wakes up, chooses his clothes, gets dressed, and then wakes me up when he gets hungry. So I know that he is capable of getting ready independantly- it would just take 4 hours instead of 1/2 hour like when I'm helping him.

W.,

OMG! I am so sorry you're experiencing this, but I am also soooo glad!!!! You have no idea! I thought I was the only one with a child like this. She's my third also and I'm in my 40's and don't feel it either! I felt like I was reading about my life.
Her actions are so deliberate that it takes her forever to do anything. She cannot multi-task and she doesn't have a "panic button" or sense of urgency. It's infuriating! She too will take forever to do anything and i can't understand why. She's also like that at school and the teacher's continuously complain that they think she doesn't care. The more I tell her to move, the slower she goes! She's a very good child, but this has alwasy been a problem with her. My daughter is 11 by the way.
Someone recently pointed out that it might be asperger syndrome which is apparently a very functional disorder at the bottom of the scale for autism. I've just started reading up on it so I don't know if I "buy it" or not.
Please feel free to e-mail me back if you'd like to compair notes. Maybe between the two of us we could come up with some answers and/or solutions!
God bless and best of luck to you and your daughter.
D.

Sounds like she may have the "Spirirted Child" temperment. I recently heard about it and it made a lot of sense to me, after listening to the audio-book. One factor is that children with this temperment get easily distracted and engaged in something else. It occurs as if they do not listen but that's not really it. I highly recommend the book - Raising Your Spirirted Child. The link to the author's site is http://www.parentchildhelp.com

Are there any other issues with her you may not know about? If she is bothered by being late then why does she doddle around? Try a reward system with her for getting things done. Does she get in a hurry for anything?

Wow, when I read this I thought I had written it! My 8 yo daughter does the exact same thing! She has no concept of time. I definitely agree with the consequence idea. My daughter loves riding the bus and absolutely hates car line (go figure!) so if she is not ready in time and misses the bus then she has to go through car line. It does motivate her but she is still in la la land in the mornings and I have to push her along. Good luck!

It might be time to find out just what she's doing while she's NOT getting dressed. Can you set aside some time where you can quietly go to her room and watch her? Even set up a camera in her room so that you can get a grasp about what's going on. (I know this sounds intrusive, but you'll do it only for a short while to gather your facts.)

My concern is that she may be "zoning out", having little mini-seizures where she stares blankly into space. I've heard of this happening. My hope is that she just gets distracted and is doing other things.

You can easily help her focus if you don't leave the scene all the time. Just sit down and watch what she's doing. Don't make any comments (and DON'T HELP HER) until you're sure what you should say. Have a "family meeting" and discuss what you've discovered, and give her concrete ideas about how to take care of herself. Make her a chart that she can follow on her own, and reward her if she's able to complete the tasks on time. (Conversely, take away privileges, like going to soccer, if she's so late.)

As the youngest, she may be using this tactic to get more of your attention and stay your baby. She needs to learn that if she doesn't take care of herself, she will start missing out on the things that she loves to do.

It may be difficult to take these things away from her; but, believe me, if she's just dragging her feet so that you will help her, she'll stop as soon as she realizes that you won't fall for it anymore.

Another comment: Entering puberty (and some girls start as early as 9!) won't help her at all. She'll become even more distracted by her hormone surges; so you'd better get on with the program now.

You have gotten a lot of good tips....timers, songs, etc....

here's a few more: try singing a few songs. Happy Birthday, Twinkle, Twinkle and play her favorite song on the radio or iPod....
have her time the songs and write down the times. Do it again.....help her grasp the "true concept of time" by comparing to something she knows.

Or---this is what one of my boys loved! Get a stopwatch (they're $7 at WalMart if you don't have one). It might be the best $7 ever spent.
Some kids cannot grasp the concept of time passing unless they see it. Let he play with the stop watch and learn how to use it. Then, give her reasonable time lengths for getting dressed, taking a shower, etc....and she starts and stops the watch herself. You need to give her ownership of this. When she accomplishes 3 tasks in the time limit and shows you the stopwatch to prove it, she gets a special something....
extra half hour TV,....extra time outside to play....

If these fail, and I got out on a limb here.....she likes having things done for her and knows you will bail her out if she gets in trouble. Not saying this is you, in any way, but I know of a neighbor who bails out her youngest (of 3 girls) daughter from all distress. She tells me her youngest daughter has a lot of her mind and is more sensitive than the other 2. She (daughter) continually forgets gym clothes, homework, the permission slip, lunch etc...b/c she can call Mom and Mom will drop what she is doing and take it to her.
I was telling her one day THIS was nuts---her daughter was almost 15 & still doing this.
So with great "Mommy guilt" one day daughter called and needed her tennis shoes brought to swim practice for dry land training. Mom told her "no." Daughter took wrath of unhappy Coach and then amazingly started remembering her things.

So, bottom line, if all else fails, your daughter might be partially dressed and have to go to school in her top, pants and slippers.....because she didn't focus on time. Or she might have to go to volleyball and tell the coach she doesn't have her knee pads b/c she ran out of time looking for them.
It hurts to do this....but it helps them grow.

Best of Luck.

Set a timer. It helps a lot. My 3rd grader is the same. She's actually gotten worse this year. My SIL was the same even as an adult. You may not change her. But, the timer will help keep you calm(er). Set if for the shower. She has to get out whether she's finished or not (that will probably only happen once, ha). Set it for dressed to shoes, etc. I even set if for breakfast. It works best if there is some sort of consequence behind it. My kids actually hate it. Now, all I have to do is threaten to set the timer. They get busy instead. Because they know Mom isn't going to get angry and yell and fuss, but instead they have a consequence coming if they don't finish by the time that timer rings. It's a matter of fact, the timer has gone off. You should be brushing your teeth by now (from the other room), etc. You will still have to be on her, and resetting the timer, but you won't have to be following her around and it will become more routine. You may even want to have a list of the order to do things. The timer has gone off, what's next on the list?

Hi W.!
Lots and lots of great advice here. One I didn't see was that she may be a right-brained dreamer. Check out the book The Edison Trait. Right-brained kids just don't see things in the same way the majority of people do. If it turns out this is her, then you may need to adapt your tactics to work with the way her brain works. I have a right-brained son (not a dreamer - a dynamic) but knowing that about him and being able to adapt my method of parenting to the way that makes sense for him has really helped smooth out some of the chaos in our home. Good luck to you!