Time?

I feel your pain. Sadly most mom's do feel they have no choice but to put their health on the back-burner or off the stove completely. First of all, you nee dto talk to your husband about how you feel. He needs to understand that your health is important and that you are not feeling that it is a priority. Your health should be #1, as without Mom, what would happen.
Also, I dont know what your financial situation is, but if possible, check into a drop on daycare, that you can use if you have to. If you are a member of a church, consider asking the other members if they would be willing to assist. I know it isnt the same as "family" but there are a lot of women at the church that would get a real joy out of sitting with your kiddos for an hour...
Sadly, you are not alone in how you feel. But keep up hope and dont be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

1 mom found this helpful

A couple of suggestions, find someone with children you can trade babysitting time with.

If you belong to a church, ask them for help. You would be amazed at how much help people are willing to help.

Hi E.,

Sorry you've been having health issues. I think it's pretty common for moms with young kids to put themselves and their health on the back burner - I did the same thing when mine were small.

Try to forgive your family for not being more helpful. It can contribute to your health problems if you feel anger and resentment towards others. No it's not fair that you were involved in a car accident, but things happen to all us that aren't fair. It might help you to feel less annoyed with your family if you keep in mind that you and your husband chose to have 3 children so close together and ask yourself if it's really fair to expect your family to help.

It's great if your family can help, but 3 young boys can be a handful for anyone, especially a grandparent. As people get older someimes they just don't have the energy they did when they were younger to keep up with active children.

I can remember how exhausted my parents were after watching my 2 boys for just a couple of hours so I never asked them to babysit. They only watched my boys maybe once or twice a year after they offered to have them over for a little while. I always felt that having my children was my decision and that I was responsible for my own choices in life so I didn't expect others to help me.

The best solution I found was networking with other moms and helping each other. I babysat their children and they babysat mine. It worked great because they were used to taking care of kids, they had lots of age-appropriate toys, their homes were baby proofed and safe like mine and the kids had fun playing together.

To meet other moms to trade babysitting with you might want to look into signing up for a coop preschool in your area. Most (if not all) are associated with a community college. I got involved with them when my kids were young and it was a great way to meet other moms in my area with kids the same age.

The co-op preschools are inexpensive and moms each take a turn helping at the preschool one day a week. Since most of the other moms have other kids, we formed a babysitting co-op to take care of each others kids (the ones not in the preschool) the days we worked at the preschool and at other times as well. It was over 30 years ago that I was involved and some of the other moms I met are still among my best friends!

GO SEAHAWKS!

I often feel the same way! We can't afford a babysitter. I have finally found a few friends with kids and we swap baby sitting time. I watch someone's child while they go to a Dr appt and then next time I need someone to watch my son they do the same for me. The kids get a play date too. I hope you can find something that works for you. It can be so hard for us moms to find any time to take care of ourselves but it is really important.

When do moms find the time... well, most of them don't! I've had a broken tooth for over a year, no time or energy for the gym, etc. It's so easy to get caught in the downhill slide, and takes so much effort to carve out the time for just maintaining the basics.
If you have a YMCA in your area, they have younger care, not too expensive... which I used in emergencies. You may want to check it out. Since your family is not stepping up, can you and your hubby figure out trades... in exchange for babysitting? Bake a cake, or double up on the spaghetti and meatball recipe, or something? If you can figure out a fair trade you may find more willingness...
My heart goes out to you, and most moms face this situation every day, so you're not alone. If you join a moms group you can get support there, too. It's going to take time and energy to figure this out, which I know is in short supply. I hope other moms have more suggestions. I guess what got me thru was other moms and their friendship...

You have received a lot of good suggestions here.
My first thought is that you should just hire a sitter. Yes, it costs money, but you leave, you come back, you pay her and you're done.
And the second suggestion is where to find one. I tried Craig's list, but got some weird applicants there.

I am guessing, since you live in the Seattle area, you can post a job opening on the UW web-site job board.
Call the university to see how you need to set it up, and tell them that you want to find a sitter for your three boys. You should expect to pay around $10 an hour.

I live in Bellingham, near Western Washington University. There are tons of college students who need extra money, but can't work a regular job. There are tons of very sweet, well-qualified young women who would be perfect for you! Some of them are studying to be teachers and LOVE children.
I can't stress enough, if you want to find a good sitter, this is the way to go...
It's worth the money to take care of your body.

You can do it! I also have 3 kids, they are older than yours, but when my youngest was in a carseat it was much harder, she is 3 now.

We do take care of ourselves last, it just happens when you have kids. But, the things you mention are needed now, and if you don't take care of them it could be much worse later on.

I have cultivated a support system with a few other mom's, we trade off to help each other out. Because, lets face it we can't afford to have a sitter or have our spouse miss work all of the time.

See if you can trade with a friend, so your family isn't always the ones you call. Check with your church (if you have one), that is a great place to connect with other moms. When all else fails you can get a high schooler to help you out when you have an appt.

Hang in there.

T. :)

Honestly, I'd find someone with kids who's willing to exchange some with you. I have several friends I swap with, either so we can go out on dates without paying for babysitting or so we can work certain mornings (or volunteer in kids' classes, etc.). I met one mom on craigslist, but anyone in your network, anyone who's home with kids like you, might be able to help. And then you can offer to take their kids for a few hours so they can do stuff for themselves.

I've often thought about writing a book titled "Mom's Can't Be Sick". I don't know what doctor's think we are going to do with our kids when we have to make these outlandish appointments. I often bring the kids because I don't have anything else to do with them. As far as the dental work, make a Saturday appointment - or whatever day your husband is off. Do you have any close friends who might be willing to help out? Sometimes it really is just a matter of putting the request out there to friends. I've found that often friends are better than family when you need help.

Have you explained this situation to your PT staff and doctors? You may be able to get some kind of emergency drop off childcare through the hospital. You are right that you need to take care of yourself or you won't have much to take care of your family with. Do your boys gladly go with other caregivers? My kids were real pickles going with other folks so that made things dicey.

H.

All the suggestions about finding a friend or a relative to watch your kids and offering to pay them is good. There are drop in daycares you can look into. If you do need to have surgery, your husband is allowed to take time off to help you. It is the family leave act.

I don't know if you are a church going person, but many times if you call the church secretary, she can get the word out that someone needs assistance with child care while they go to the doctor or dentist and I know at least with our church there is usually someone or perhaps 2 ladies at once if they have a concern that they wouldn't be able to care for 3 active children all at the same time. Many times they will do it for free. When my daughter-in- law had the twins her mom stayed for a6 weeks, but after that there was a lady that offered to stay the night and look after the twins(they were bottle fed), so that my daughter-in-law and son could both get a good nights sleep. This lady and another lady did it several times over the next 2-3 months. Also I would go over there for an afternoon so she could get a 2-3 hour nap a couple of times a week.

E., you can't be the only one in that boat. See if you can post a card at the PT office offering to trade sitting for another patient during PT appointments, also ask the receptionist and PT if they are aware of any other patients that have children that may be in the same situation you are (chances are if they do, they talk about it). If they know of someone, ask if they can pass your number along to that person and again offer to sit for one another during appointments.

Getting involved in a mom's group is a great way to network and find solutions for about every kind of problem. It's also fun for both you and the kids. I know of two in Kirkland, but they are all over, so I'm sure you could find one in your area.

I noticed a few people suggested going through your church, which is also a good idea. Some churces compile a directory of everyone's contact information and employ. If yours has such a thing, it would be easy to find either a sitter or other stay at home mom's that you could possible trade time with. Some church's also have mom's groups. In general though, you should be able to find some sort of support at you church.

I'm truly sorry your family isn't more supportive. They don't realize what they're missing out on. Although I also don't know your children and how difficult or easy they are to watch after. Personally, I think boys are easier to take care of than girls, but then again, I have seven nephews. I come from a family that truly believes in the idea "it takes a village." My sister and I have both taken nephew's for a week at a time to our siblings could go on vacation with their spouse. I have a friend that has 3 children (a set of tiwns and a four year old) and she hates the idea of imposing on her friends. I'm still trying to convince her that to me its a treat to watch her kids, not an imposition. You never know, you may have friends out there that feel the same, its just that you've never asked, so approach some friends you've never thought to ask before. There is no shame in needing help or asking for it. If I knew you, I'd offer to watch them once in a while.

Soon in both Kenmore and Kirkland, the outdoor concert season will begin and they're are alot of families with young children that attend. I know they have these in communities all over the Seattle area. You should find one near you, pack a blanket, snacks, bottles, diapers and give it a try. I'll bet you, your husband and the kids will all enjoy it. All genres of music are represented over the summer. No need to limit yourself to the doodlebops (oh, but I do love their latest single!- lol)

One last thing. On your accident. I obviously don't know the details or who was at fault. However, if you were not at fault and you have not settled yet - don't unless you are forced to by a court date. You will be surprised on how late injuries can begin manifesting from a car accident (speaking from personal experience here).

Good luck with everything. I know it can be frustrating, but it will work out. Just remember, there are a lot of women out there facing the same thing every day and they get through it. You will too, without having to let your health suffer for it.

L.

We recently moved here and don't have any family to help with raising our children. So, I hire a babysitter at $10 an hour for a few hours a week so I can do the errands that are best done without kids. We are fortunate to have such a great resource a couple doors away. If she is not available we use the Seeking Sitters service and have been pleased with them. Seeking Sitters is more expensive but your sanity is worth it. Some churches have drop in for a few hours but you're going to pay around $5-6 dollars an hour per child so I would suggest having someone come to you.

ah--- Elisabeth, I'm so very sorry- not only for the health issues - but for the lack of sense on the part of your extended family-==== - it's just not even one little bit sensible to make things hard for your family- as when catastrophe hits - we have our family or we have nothing --
( I wont even go to '''where's your faith base?- any lessons in your culture about generosity? - sorry- get off my soapbox)

What to do -??? -- think about each person that COULD help- what '''pushes their generosity buttons'' - do they ''get it '' when you discuss pain? - when you discuss illness ( if I don't get this dental work done- it will be an abcess'' ) --- Would 2 of them split up the boys for a morning? - if they really are a dead end --- and SHAME on them--- many preschools and day-cares offer drop in care - with deductions for multiple children from one family--- Lily Pad Preschool in Lake City is one- and they have a great ''' stop in with mom to play on Thursday for free''' offer - I'll be taking my grandaughter there to get her accostomed to the up-comeing need for pre-school.

I'm sorry- lamb- I've been splitting my time between Ohio and North City ( NOT cheap) to help out my daughter and be with my grandchildren --- and I don't understand - really -
just don't get it.

Blessings,
old Mom
aka-- J.

We formed a babysitting coop in my old neighborhood. We started out with a core group of 6 moms who knew eachother, and eventually grew to 12 families. New moms had to have a recommendation from a current member and get a home inspection so we all felt comfortable leaving our kids with one another. We had a handbook of rules, "coop dollars" to trade and jobs that we took turns doing. It worked so well that I rarely needed to hire a sitter when my kids were young.

okay... If I were you, I would find someone like a family member or friend and explain what is going on and how you feel. pay them a good amount. Depending on how long it takes you... it shouldn't take that long right? My dental/doctor appt are never very long. Find some friends to help you. I mean there must be SOMEONE who will help! And I always feel kinda annoying asking people to watch my baby, but if you're paying them a good amount then you shouldn't feel bad.

I would check around and see if there is a daycare you can use on a drop in basis, maybe you could even send them all 1 day a week or 2 half days and use that time to make your doctors appointments. Or find a good babysitter. I feel for you, I have a 2 and 4 year old and haven't been to the dentist since the first was born (except to take them!). It might be worth taking on a part time job or some kind of computer work at home so you could afford a couple days of daycare a week. It made all the difference to me. Being a stay at home mom is great, but it is one of the hardest jobs there is and you can get really burnt out doing. Sometimes it is better for you and your kids if you get a little break so the time you are with them you all enjoy more!

If your husband is and HR manager he should know about the FMLA of '93 that allows him up to 12 weeks of leave time to care for an ill family member. You having to have surgery would qualify. He can use his PTO or unpaid time, providing his employer has 50 employees or more. If the practice has a HR manager, it sounds like they meet that requirement. You may have to pay for a sitter to come and watch your boys while you go to the doctor and dentist. Many other moms do just that as they don't have family nearby or available to take time off from their jobs to care for them. PT, doctors and dentists don't have minders for kids nor do they have play areas for kids to play at while their parents are being treated. Your husband, as a HR manager probably has access to an employee assistance program that has a child care component to it. Again, use that resource to find a sitter that can provide you with the relief that you need. But first and foremost, have your husband look at the FMLA laws to get the time off he needs to care for you. Washington State has the Family Care Act of 2002 that allows a worker to use their "sick leave" to care for an ill family member without being penalized for using it. You don't have to jump thru the same certification process as an FMLA case, so this may meet your needs, then he can provide you the time you need. All parents face the problems you are when their health is compromised. It's the balancing act that we all juggle, realizing that to care for our kids we need to care for ourselves. Put your HR husband to work to find the resources to meet your family's needs. That's what he does for all those folks at work, so he needs to do it for himself this time.

Hi E. I have been in your shoes & know it is no easy task with kids when you have needs that can't wait any longer,but there is help out there if your Family can not help or would just rather not anyway if you contact the state they can give you names of low cost daycares & may even be able to help in other areas I was not sure about this when I was told about it but at the time I thought I'll try anything once & boy am I ever glad I did they helped me more then I could ever have emagend good luck & God Bless. J.

There are several drop off day care type places in NE Seattle. Just do an internet search. Have you thought about babysitting trades with friends? That's what I mostly do...
Otherwise, it might be time to find a babysitter for pay who can help you out occasionally. You have to take care of yourself. The cost of not taking care of yourself is too high... you can't take care of three very busy boys without your health!
T.

Hi E.! I definately do not know how I would do things without support from friends who are available to watch my kiddos when needed for appointments, etc. And then I watch theirs in return. I kinda have to have this system in place because I don't have family in town, but I think it works much better...the whole idea of give and take, verses just asking a favor from a family member. Anyway, without this, I would be lost! Do you know of any stay at home mom's you can enter into a co-op with?

Hi E.,
I have went and read all the responses, and agree that those are your best solutions. Two things you will probably run up against is if your appointments are during the day and your friends and family work...there is no one to take care of your children (I run into that!). I would suggest two things...put an ad on Craigslist for either swapping care of occasional care. Depends on what you can afford. I know it is scary because you don't know these people you would be putting your children with, so make sure you do background checks and get references to call (at least 3). Also if your husbands work is flexible, maybe you can get the first appointment of the day and hubby can stay home and then go to work and make up the hours at the end of the day. Longer day for him, but like I tell my husband when I feel good....everyone feels good....lol
Also, for your family, it is sad that they are not willing to help out. Maybe find a drop in daycare for the little ones and see if someone will take on the 9 month old, it will save on the money. For those of us around kids all the time we are use to the challenges. If you are not around kids all the time 3 boys can surely be a handful! Not that that is an excuse to not help out. Good Luck!

Do you have friends that you could trade with? Say that they watch your boys and you can cook a dinner for them or watch their children?
Would this work better with family? If they know that you need the help and are willing to help them out too?
Some clinics offer daycare solutions, this might be a good avenue to persue.
When my boys were little, I had the hardest time finding anyone willing to watch them so that their father and I could go out. Even with 2 sets of grandparents within 3 miles!
I know there is a website out there for healthcare sitters, I just don't know what it is.
Good Luck! My thoughts are with you.

I don't know how to help with childcare issues, as I am dealing with them myself, but I do understand the confusion and annoyance over how to do things for yourself! I don't know where you are, but our dentist takes late appointments Mondays-Thursdays, I think until 7pm, which helps us, because my husband doesn't get home until 5:30 or 6pm. You could ask your dentist if they offer that, or try to find another one covered under your insurance that does. We go to Gentech Dentistry in Portland, and we LOVE our dentist. Seriously, my husband has been deathly afraid of dentists since a bad experience in childhood, but once we found our current one, he actually makes his OWN appointments and keeps up with them! But I am sure that other offices offer late appointments for working people and parents, so I hope this helps!

I feel for you, sometimes I feel that I go go go 27 hours a day. I too have the issue of finding someone to "baby sit" when I need to. My family either can't (mother in law phyically can't do too long, maybe an hour) or simply won't (my mom is happy when we visit, but doesn't really want them by herself unless a emergency arises). I say start looking into a mommy group. Somewhere you can network with others in your area. Maybe you can get into a swap situation, where you can sit for the other and vs versa.

E.

How frustrated you must be! I'm not sure what your budget is like, but here's a few things that have worked for me:
1. Trade babysitting with a friend during your appointments. Is your oldest in preschool? Make sure the appointments are during that time so you only have to trade care for two of your children. 2. Put an ad on Craigslist (or find an ad) for a babysitter for a few hours, say every other week. Try for after school hours so you can find a teenager looking for extra money, or 3. Find a PT and/or a dentist that has evening hours so that you can go when your husband gets home. They're out there!

You need and deserve to make yourself a priority. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't give 100% to your family.

Have you thought about someone to trade childare with??