32 answers

Three Girls Picking on My Daughter

My daughter has three classmates that like to pick on her. She may bring some of this on herself because she's a super extrovert and it may bother some of the other kids, but she's usually friendly and her behavior is usually listed as "wonderful" in her school folder sent home weekly.

Some examples:
The ringleader told her she was ugly
They ask if she wants to play, then play a trick on her (once told her to sit on a whoopie cusion and then got all the other kids laughing at her
They block the bookcase, then won't let her get a book that she needs
She goes to sharpen a pencil, one girl was by the sharpener and told her to get away from there
Accuse her of things she didn't do
and so on

My daughter has told the teacher, and she deals with it, but I think the teacher is getting tired of my daughter tattling.

I keep telling my daughter to stay away from them, but they're all in her class and she sits by one of them.

I have a parent teacher conference next week, do I bring a list for the teacher? Does this fall under bullying or just "deal with it" category?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

It's bullying and if the teacher is "tired" of dealing with it, then by all means, go above her to the principal.

7 moms found this helpful

Yes, that is bullying.
I would absolutely talk to the teacher, and I would let her know that if she can't get these girls under control, by talking to their parents or SOMETHING, that I will be talking to the principal.
If that doesn't work I will talk to the principals boss...

Bullying is out of control, and not too long ago a 11 year old boy killed himself after years of being bullied.\.
I refuse to put up with it.
I have told my daughter that if anyone picks on her, she is to us right away so we can get it sorted out.

I ALSO told her that if I EVER hear about her picking on anyone else for any reason, she is going to be in a world of trouble.

I am really sick and tired of parents and teachers making excuses for their brat kids and letting them get away with this stuff, it is not right.

4 moms found this helpful

I believe my daughter's school would clasify this as bullying because it is continuous behavior. I would definitely take a list to the teacher and also ask for a meeting with the counselor or prinicple if no counselor is available.

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

It's bullying. Trust me, I was in her shoes when I was in 6th and 7th grade. These girls are just getting started with your daughter. I went through mean comments about my appearance, jokes about inviting me to do things and then finding out it was a joke, getting blocked from getting things I needed. A group of mean girls, including a former best friend. Just as you describe. It didn't take long for it to escalate to threats to beat me up after school. It got so ugly and the school was so incapable of preventing it, my parents sold our house and moved us to a better school district. Thankfully, the new school made all the difference in the world for me and I was never bullied again.

I would tell the teacher at your conference that you need to schedule a separate meeting to talk about the bullying problem. If you don't feel like you're getting anywhere after that meeting, talk to the principal. This is serious.

Your daughter isn't tattling. She's doing the right thing and it's up to the adults in charge to protect her. Make sure they're doing their jobs.

10 moms found this helpful

Hi Tally,

It's not an "either/or" question. Bullying exists on a continuum, and while these mean girls aren't throwing fists and elbows, they are throwing horrible and hurtful comments and physically blocking her from things she has every right to access (books, pencil sharpener). What's next? Not allowing her to go to the bathroom?

This is how bullying starts, and unless it is stopped, it often progresses to more name-calling, more torment, more physical interactions, and worse.

Why would we grown-ups ever think this is okay? Nearly all school districts now have anti-bullying policies and bully prevention programs in place. Talk with your daughter's teacher during the conference but also check in with the school counselor about your school's policies and programs.

Ask the counselor for any literature he/she may have on age-appropriate anti-bullying tips. In addition to stopping the bullies, we must also equip our children with the tools to deal with bullies (e.g., whether it is ignoring and walking away or speaking up....depends on the situation and the ages of the children involved). Not that it is ever a comfortable situation, but if our children feel confident that they can stand up to bullies, they are less likely to become targets of further bullying.

Also, google "how to prevent your child from bullying," and you will find many useful articles and practical suggestions on this subject.

Parents, teachers, school administrators, coaches, scout leaders----all adults must work together to educate all of our children (including the "bullies") on this topic and do everything humanly possible to stop bullying in all of its forms. Our children deserve our full attention to this.

I hope this helps.

J. F.

ETA: I went back and read the previous posts, and for anyone who doubts the seriousness of these situations, all you have to do is read the words of the moms here (and on other recent posts about bullying) who were bullied as children. After all these years, you can still "hear" the hurt in their experiences, how fresh it still is, even though in some cases decades have passed. Please, let's all realize that bullying, whether it's words or actions, has lasting consequences, and let's work together to end this nightmare for our children.

10 moms found this helpful

I wouldnt wait for the confrence, this needs to be addressed immediately. My daughter went through the same thing when she was in the 4th grade, it was a group of 6 boys and girls. My daughter is very quiet and doesnt bother anyone. I brought it up to her teacher several times but there was one day where she almost passed out in class! She was hyper ventalating and her face turned a reddish blue color, it was from being soo scared of those kids-BULLYing her. They have called her every name in the book and made fun of her, they called her "fat", "ugly", "uni-brow girl", she was really hurt by all those thing said to her. I ended up getting a call from the nurses office that day and was told that I needed to take her to the hospital, I called her dr and took her in, I asked my daughter about what was going on with her and she just said she felt dizzy and tired. We got to the dr's office and he was asking her questions and she wasnt answering until he asked her if someone was picking on her at school and there she was bursting out in tears! My heart dropped and I myself started to cry. It's hurtful to see that something like this is bothering your child. I ended up going to her school the next morning and literally went off, I was livid! I felt that I tried my hardest in letting the school know what was going on with my daughter but I felt as though the school wasnt taking it serious enough. I gave the principal the names of ALL the kids that were picking on my daughter and told her teacher and principal that if this were to happen again that I am holding the school responsible for it. This shouldnt be going on, especially while they are at school, they should feel safe and confident with being in a learning enviornment, they shouldnt feel threatened at all and should also beable to go to a teacher with confidence in knowing that his or her teacher will do something about it. I personally wouldnt wait, I would go in asap. This subject is a sensitive one for me only because of all the things that our daughter went through. It's sad. Good luck and I hope I was helpful...

7 moms found this helpful

In my opinion, it is bullying. What is the school policy for bullying? Our school is ZERO tollerance. I would email the teacher and copy the prinipal on it. Say this is happening daily by the 3 girls and its got to stop and how do they suggest it gets handled? Give them these exact examples. They need to put a stop to it immediately. If there are no consequences for their behavior and if it doesn't stop immediately, contact the school board. That's why you need it documented in writing. Good luck.

7 moms found this helpful

It's bullying and if the teacher is "tired" of dealing with it, then by all means, go above her to the principal.

7 moms found this helpful

That is total bullying. I was bullied in school (middle school) and this is the form it took. I'd get my locker blocked, etc. It was all very passive aggressive. You should talk to the teacher, counselor and principal. If they take a no-bullying stand they will do something about this. It makes me feel very mad for your daughter. If she was like me, she is downplaying how much it bothers her and she acts like everything is fine. My mom never knew how awful it truly was for me. If only I had really told her about things and she had talked to people in charge at the school. Go kick some butt on your daughter's behalf!!!!

5 moms found this helpful

You know, all you have to do is call the school and call it bullying. It will be the fastest way to correct their horrible behavior. I think it is bullying too. When they are calling names and flat out being nasty over and over again, I think that's exactly what it is. Schools are so afraid of bullying being a problem, that they will take fast actions to correct it. I can assure you, from my own experience, that when you go in to the principle and tell her whol is bullying your child and you want it stopped now, that it will.

I've learned in the 5 years that my kids have been in school that I need to be serious when I have a problem and let them know I'm NOT kidding. I want things fixed and I don't want it to take months. Last year I had to threaten to call the police for the school to get the 4 boys who were grabbing my 2nd grade daughters behind for it to stop. One of them is doing it to a friend of hers this year. One of the neighborhood girls is nasty to my daughter on the bus, and after 2 months of me trying to get them to move their seats, I spoke to the principal and told her I was tired of my daughter being bullied. Seats were moved that afternoon.

You have to go in and talk to them and let them know you'll go above them if they don't fix it. Teacher, principal, superintendenet, and so on. I always work in that order, and have only had to go to the super once.

5 moms found this helpful

Calling her names, making fun of her, preventing her from getting a needed book, or a sharpening of her pencil.....call it what you like, but it definitely needs to be mentioned to the teacher!

Sure, it's easy, in out adult minds to tell her to "deal with it" but she's a kid (not sure her age/grade), so if she's under 10....definitely time to step in and let the teacher in on what's going on under her nose.

4 moms found this helpful

Yes, that is bullying.
I would absolutely talk to the teacher, and I would let her know that if she can't get these girls under control, by talking to their parents or SOMETHING, that I will be talking to the principal.
If that doesn't work I will talk to the principals boss...

Bullying is out of control, and not too long ago a 11 year old boy killed himself after years of being bullied.\.
I refuse to put up with it.
I have told my daughter that if anyone picks on her, she is to us right away so we can get it sorted out.

I ALSO told her that if I EVER hear about her picking on anyone else for any reason, she is going to be in a world of trouble.

I am really sick and tired of parents and teachers making excuses for their brat kids and letting them get away with this stuff, it is not right.

4 moms found this helpful

It's bullying. What is school policy? Follow that procedure now...don't wait til conferences. If it requires you contact the teacher, why wait?. Deal with it now.

3 moms found this helpful

um yes this is considered bullying-and really shame on you for not raising hell with the school over this!...wow the teacher is tired of hearing it? well then she should handle it for good..this truly makes me really angry-how far does it have to go before it is handled? how many kids commit suicide every day due to bullying? or go crazy shooting ppl? if i were in your shoes*(which i was when my son went thru this in kindegarden)-i went to the school-directly to the principal and told him to handle it(teacher never did) they finally pulled the kid out of school-he didnt want to comply with rules.dont wait on the teacher-go over her head before this destroys your childs life!

3 moms found this helpful

Sounds familiar. My daughter's class has only 5 other girls in it. It seems like one of the girls in particular is causing a lot of problems. If she doesn't get her way she torments the other girls. It is complicated because my daughter wants to be friends with her but the girl makes it difficult. And it is hard to get away from her when there are so few girls to play with. So the guidance counselor is in their classroom at least once a week talking about bullying. She is always pulling the girls out to discuss the issues they have with one another. My daughter came home the other day in tears and said that the teacher said she was giving up and that I should call the other girl's mother. Personally, I think that the teacher should have sent me an email or had a conversation with me about it. But, the girl left several threatening messages on our voice mail so I did contact her mom. Today she got sent to the office with a phone call home because she was so mean to the other girls. She left a long voice mail message tonight apologizing for all of her bad behavior and asking for forgiveness, so maybe the principal calling her mom was what was needed. For my daughter's part, every year we have had an issue with a different girl. I am trying to empower her and teach her how to deal with bullies. They really do go after kids that they know they can get a reaction from (I know, I was bullied as a kid). Talk to the teacher and suggest the counselor and the principal get involved.

3 moms found this helpful

Yes it does, and most schools have a no bullying policy, Ifm the teacher is tired of your daughter tattaling then you go to the teacher, I don't want to scare you or anything, but kids coomit suicide becausem of being bullied, andhe ones who look lie they are handling it, inside their really not. Get your daughter some help, if the teacher wont step in then go to the priciple. If it was me Im would go directly to the parents. I will keep your daughter in my prayers. J.

3 moms found this helpful

I would contact the school counselor and not wait until the conference. My son was bullied early on this year at the start of his 6th grade year. Although I involved the school counselor, who was helpful, and things have improved it has affected his entire outlook on his school year and has affected his relationships in other aspects of his life including his sports teams. My brother was severely bullied as a kid (before "bullying" was even really recognized) and although he is now a very self-assured successful adult you can still hear the pain in his voice when he talks about those years. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

This is definitely relational aggression. Please look into buying (or borrowing from the library) the books "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons and "Queen Bees and Wannabees" by Rosalind Wiseman. They have helped me (and my daughter) through so much from 5th grade on. I have 6 children, 3 girls, and every time a new school year begins, I give both books as a gift to my daughter's teachers. ANY mother of a girl, NEEDS to read these books! Perhaps you can check into "The Ophelia Project" and suggest implementing this into your area schools. Recently, I read Queen Bees Grown Up and could relate to that as well, in my everyday life, sadly, including the women at my church. God's blessings as you move ahead with your little girl. And give her a hug from Wisconsin :)

3 moms found this helpful

She's being bullied. YOU are her advocate, you must protect her. Go to the mat here, mama. Mama Bear has to protect her cub:)

I would take it to the principal immediately and if it doesn't stop immediately, I'd go up the ladder to the superintendent if I had to. If things don't change at that point, get the police involved, the media--make these girls regret their poor behavior toward your daughter. Keep the communication line with your daughter open so that she doesn't feel isolated. Document, document, document--dates, times, who you spoke too, in case you need to take drastic steps to get this issue resolved. You want to be on top of this.

Hugs to your daughter,
Support to you,

M.

3 moms found this helpful

I believe my daughter's school would clasify this as bullying because it is continuous behavior. I would definitely take a list to the teacher and also ask for a meeting with the counselor or prinicple if no counselor is available.

3 moms found this helpful

I'd call their parents-I don't know about your state-but in Maryland-almost anything can be construed as a "hate crime"-and it is taken very seriously here.

3 moms found this helpful

Yes it is bullying. I would have her class switched. Damage like this can last a life time. Some schools just cannot help the victim. If it doesn't help then switch schools. Additionally you need to put her in an aftersschool program to help build her confidence in herself. A Karate class might help. Remember though not all karate classes are equal.

3 moms found this helpful

I take it she is in elementry school. I would set up a meeting with the principal, teachers and you. Have the list of concerns on hand and go with confidence. Don't accuse, ask for help on stopping this behavior. If you accuse then the teacher will not be cooperative. I was bullied when I was in 3rd grade through 5th and it was to the point it was making me phyically ill. Why did the girl bully me? She found it worked to upset me when she made fun of my last name. It caused me to withdrawl and while I can't remember the names of my friends from those years or the teachers, I remember the bully's name. I stood up to her when she would bully other kids but took it for 3 years myself.

Your school has anti bullying policies and it is time they stand up and enforce them!

3 moms found this helpful

I was bullied in school quite a bit. It got the point that I would cut class and hide in the bathroom or library, but eventually I just quit school altogether. It started when I was in the 4th grade, and it never stopped. My parents never bothered to get involved, and I did tell the guidance counselor, but that did little good.

So based on that my answer may be a little skewed, but I'll tell you anyway. I would nip it, and I would nip it now. To me, bullying is like an iceberg, for the little peak you see, there's a whole mountain underneath. Most kids do not want to run to their parents when a problem is occurs, so they try to deal with it on their own. By the time it gets to you, it's pretty bad.

I mean, they are ganging up on your daughter. There is a ring leader. They are harassing her; how is this almost bullying? It sounds like full-blown bullying to me. Look, my daughter likes to tattle, but I know the difference in two seconds flat between tattling and her really being hurt, and so does a teacher. Last week she busted out crying on our porch because the neighbor's kids were calling her a baby and a loser (they are all six and in the same class). I pulled her in the house and talked to and told her what she needed to do to stick up for herself. She perked up when we had the talk and told her what she needed to do.

I think for now I would let the principal know. Find out if your school has a 'zero tolerance' for bullying. But if it continues, I would circumvent the whhhhole ball of wax and go straight to their parents. I know, without a doubt, if I went to my neighbor and told them about how their son picks on my daughter they would be right on it (I wouldn't because it really isn't that serious). Sometimes the parent just doesn't know. But save that for when you've exhausted all the other avenues.

Bullying is horrible and yes, it does affect you for the rest of your life until you learn how to deal with it and accept it as your past.

3 moms found this helpful

If its 3 of the same kids all the times I would consider it bullying. I would bring it up at conferences.

2 moms found this helpful

Well, ALL of my kids' Teachers.... routinely, speaks to the ENTIRE class, about behavior and what is acceptable or not.
AND if this was going on in my kids' classrooms per certain kids always instigating things... the Teachers, WOULD, talk to the kids.
AND to the specific kids, as needed. AND to the child's parents as well... since this is a continual chronic.... happening.

You did not say what age/grade your child is.

The kids are picking on your child, lying, and being bullies... and they get away with it.
In conjunction with teaching your child about standing up for herself and speaking up... a Parent... ALSO has to step in when needed... and speak to the Teacher, document things as well. Dates/times/what is happening.

No, this is not a Parent/Teacher conference thing. The Teacher will not have the time, to discuss this matter. The conference is timed, and covers academic matters.
Contact/e-mail/call the Teacher and bring this up.

A Teacher, needs to, keep her students in line.
That is what my kids' Teachers... do. They do not expect the Student by themselves, to cure it.

Your child is not "tattling." She is REPORTING wrong doing.
Upon herself. By the same bullying kids.
THIS, is not tattling.
There is a difference between tattling, and reporting legitimate problems.
OF which, the Teacher, has a responsibility... over her students and their correction.

Yes, those kids are behaving in a Bully like manner.
My kids' Teachers, would NOT at all, put up with that.

It is time, you the parent, step in.
Make an appointment with the Teacher, e-mail her detailing this... and what you expect to be done.
That way, you have the e-mail as "documentation." As well.

Don't be shy about it.

Again, my kids' Teachers, would NOT put up with this.

And there is such a thing as Harassment, too.
This is not just silly childish "joking." They are picking on your daughter.

2 moms found this helpful

Yeah I definitely would. Then I would send an email thanking her and cc the principal she s/he is in the loop. Make sure and include language like "equal access to education" or whatever is in your district's anti-bullying policy.

This is serious and should be treated as such.

2 moms found this helpful

no, my child, this falls under the "come to mamma bear, and let mamma bear DEAL WITH THIS FOR YOU " the only way you are going to get results, instead of the teacher telling you"your daughter is a tattle tale and she needs to deal with it" is to tell the teacher that if she likes her job, she will deal with these bullies.. OR YOU WILL.show up at the parent teacher talk with a news crew.. and a live mike. the teacher will suddenly decide to tell this bullies to play nice, especially if she doesnt want to end up on the news. my younger sister was bullied by one boy in middle school, she came to me, i talked to the principal and got "gee, i cant do anything.. i have X many students" i informed him that he had 24 hours to pull this kid out of my sisters class..or i WOULD. he got the clue, the kid got pulled out of my sisters class, and never gave her any more trouble, they dont play nice, why should you ?
K. h.

2 moms found this helpful

It is NOT a just deal with it situation. I mean Yes do teach her ways to deal with it ASAP cuz she may encounter problems in the future but Talk to her teacher every time there is a problem and make a note. If the teacher cannot stop the problem take your notes to the principal. Give the principal a month to stop the problem. then take it to the superintendent .... school board if needed. Our schools have anti bullying campaigns and call in professionals to have assemblies, the school as a whole needs to deal with it.

2 moms found this helpful

there is probably no way she can just "stay away from them" if they are in her class- I dont know if I would classify this as bullying but it is on it's way there. I would absolutely talk to the teacher about it, tell her you are concerned things like this can escalate. Your daughter should feel safe at all times at school it is the teachers job to help in this- instead of keeping your daughter away from them she should keep them away from your daughter. If it continues after the conference I would try to involve a school Counselor or a VP.

2 moms found this helpful

I would sit down with the powers that be at the school and have a strategy session about how you three can help your daughter combat this issue. With the express understanding that she is allowed to stand up for herself and her teacher and principal will "have her back". I'd tell the teacher that you're sure she/he may be tired of hearing about the issues, and I'd say that your daughter is tired of dealing with them. As much as he has to hear about it, she has to put up with it and, frankly, that's worse. Try to think of somethings (you've gotten some great suggestions already) that she might be able to do to stand up for herself. "Give it a rest","Honestly, aren't you tired of this?", "It's pretty sad you have nothing better to do." "I'm so embarrassed for you, you have no idea how silly you look right now, do you?" or "Gee, April, Monica seems pretty bored, she wouldn't let me use the pencil sharpener, why don't you bother her so I can get my book, ok?"

And yes, I agree being a bully isn't cool these days but without the label kids have a hard time identifying it. "So, do you plan on being a bully when you grow up, too?" "So, what other hobbies do you have...besides being a bookshelf bully?"

If it persists, I'd meet moms at pickup time or something and have an informal friendly chat. If that doesn't work I'd either have another meeting and call in the parents of the girls, or I'd consider moving her to another class.

1 mom found this helpful

I am not real big on the bullying card, but I think this is headed that direction. I would say something at conference. If the teacher offers some information, do more listening than talking and find out what the teachers side and opinion is.

1 mom found this helpful

Not really a bullying issue but on the way there. I would absolutely address it with the teacher but not in "list form". I would also write a letter to the principal and insist that they be in different classes next year!

It doesn't sound like bullying but I don't think your daughter should have to just "deal with it" either. Where is the teacher in all of this? Doesn't she see the person blocking the bookshelf?

I would definitely address it with the teacher but not in "list form." And then I would go home and write a letter to the teacher, copying it to the principal and the school district superintendent saying this is what we talked about; this is what you suggested; or this is what I would like to see happen; or whatever. Just make sure you put it in writing and let her know that should this turn into a bullying situation, you EXPECT the school to handle it right away and any failure on their part to handle it will result in legal action.

It is bullying. I would not wait...run don't walk. Talk to the teacher and school principal alone first. Ask what the school policy is on bullying. If those girls are getting away with it now, it will only escalate.

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