June 27, 2008,
M.P. asks from Indio, CA on June 02, 2008
Thoughts About Bachelor Party
My 39year old husband is insisting on going to a friend of a friend's (although he was at our wedding) bachelor party in Vegas.
Normally I wouldn't really care- I trust him completely. I know he's not there to cheat, not a huge gambler, doesn't really drink - but there will be a trip to the strip bar (not really happy about this- but it's a group thing- seems safe).
This is my problem... I have a 2 year old and a newborn (born in May) and I feel like I am totally stuck in the house. I don't think it's fair that he is able to go out with his friends (in Vegas) for a weekend when I am TRAPPED at home. (He also travels for work 2-4 days a week). There's no possible way for me to go out for more than 1-2 hours (I am also nursing so I am a true 24/7 mom).
Basically I miss some of my freedom. Just being able to have some me time, running errands alone, getting nails or hair done seems like a dream. I know it's not forever (I can leave kids with gma once they get older), but I am really unhappy and angry, and resentful that he can just take off whenever he feels the urge.
Need advice on how to handle life.
So What Happened?™
THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE ADVICE! I really needed an outlet! It's nice to get the input from those who have been there, also nice to know that others are sharing my pain.
My husband is going to have my blessing to go to the Vegas weekend bachelor party. No I wouldn't be going with him (I wouldn't want to be the only nagging wife tagging along).
I am planning to get out with some friends this weekend. I will look at a nice girl trip in the not-so-near future, maybe even Vegas.
M.G. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I personally don't agree at all, but why don't you go with him and be there in the hotel waiting for him when it is over?
Maybe he will feel the need to be on his best behavior knowing you will be there.
T.A. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Bachelor Party in Vegas!
I would not be comfortable with just that idea at all.
My thoughts are why would a married man be so anxious to be involved in something like that in the first place.
Why would he not be more interested in staying at home with his family. I do not care for the idea of men having bachelor parties in the first place. I wouldn't even be with a man who would entertain the idea of having a bachelor party before marrying me. Nothing good comes from those kind of smut parties, I don't care how much you trust your husband! Even if he doesn't participate in the immoral activities, remember the eyes are the window to the soul and he will be opening himself up all kinds of inappropriate behavior that will be stuck in his mind for the rest of his life. I don't feel you are wrong in the way you are feeling, in fact your husband is being very inconsiderate and disrespectful by his desire to attend such an event for the whole weekend. Sounds a little selfish to me, and I don't think you have to give in to his selfish desires so you can have a husband. As the other reader suggested you won't have a husband much longer if you deny him this weekend. But look at how much you are being denied! I wouldn't even want a man who treated me in this way! I think you should stand up for what is fair and good.
Can I ask you why you don't have a problem with your husband going to a strip joint? Do you really know what goes on in those kinds of places? I still have a problem with a married man going to a strip joint, why does he need that kind of pornogrphic stimulation when he has a wife at home, who obviously meets his needs! (3 kids).
So if he still insists on going, tell him the next weekend he stays homes with the kids and you take off with the girls and go to a strip joint! Get in writing too! Make him stick to it and see how he likes them apples. Hope you can come to some type of resolution with your husband about this. God Bless You!
2 moms found this helpful
M.S. answers from Los Angeles on June 02, 2008
I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Not only do you have a 2 year old but you have a brand new baby, besides caring for your two very young kids, your probably a little more emmotional now than you will be in 6mos or so.. (at least I was). I don't think this has anything to do with the bachelor party. If it were me, heck yea, I'd let hubby go. Even with a newborn at home. But, if it bothered me, I'd speak up. Men and woman think so differently, he can't even start to imagine how you are feeling. If he goes and you say nothing - you will be resentful. If you "make" him stay home, he will be resentful. You guys have to talk about this. Let him go but work out a deal to get you some time off. Even with a nursing baby, you can take an hour or so to get your nails done, get your hair done, go to the bookstore, etc.. You just need to tell your husband what YOU need to be the best wife and Mom that you can. I joined Stroller Strides after my second child was born and I felt SO guilty that I was spending 50 bucks a month to workout. Ended up being the best 50 bucks a month I could have spent. I get out in the fresh air with my kids almost everyday. I get an incredible workout which gives me that "workout high" for the rest of the day, my kids get to play at the park after our workout and I get to chat with other Mommies so when hubby comes home I'm not gabbing away. Not that he minds, but I can really get going when I start talking! LOL. Maybe you could do something like this for you? If not Stroller Strides, at least find yourself a Mommy group so you can get out on a regular basis. I nursed both of my kids 24/7 and I know firsthand how hard it can be to do something for yourself but you just have to. It isn't selfish, you deserve it.
Please, talk to your husband about this up and coming party. Mom's and Dad's roles are so different, but they need a break too. My husband is gone a lot for work, we pretty much only get him on the weekends and I still encourage him to do stuff for himself (motorcycle ride, round of golf, boat/auto shows, etc..) and he in turn, watches OUR kids when I want to do something.
Hang in there!
1 mom found this helpful
T.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Why don't you make it a mini family vacation. You guys could all hang out together in the day time and at night as you put the kids to bed you can relax with a book or movie and he can go out and join his friends???? I am sure there could be a great compromise there.
1 mom found this helpful
T.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
don't fret momma you are not alone. Let your man go they need the time away as long as when he comes home he is attentive and involved. then when the baby takes a bottle or cereal start taking the time for yourself. it is good for you and the family. start with a trip to the salon then the next month go for a 1/2 day out with the girls shopping or to the spa. then go for an overnighter with some friends at a local casino/race track/beach, or whatever is exciting in your town. then the next time go for a weekend. I am up to 5 days at my girlfriends house who happens to live in vegas. I have 3 girls and I was taking the youngest with me because I too nursed for 12 months(she never took a bottle!)and my friend has a son her same age. My husband tried to make excuses and complain and make me feel guilty but I put up my hand and told him to talk to it because I was not a house slave and I need time away just like him, he would always say how is he going to work and take care of the kids while I'm gone but I have always worked it out so I could go. I am sooooooooo glad I did. I don't feel bad for those mom's stuck at home because you make your own life. so live it how you want!
1 mom found this helpful
Y.K. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
This might sound harsh--sorry. But your husband is acting like a college kid w/ no responsibility (family). Thirty-nine? I don't think it's a surprise to you that he'd opt to do something like this...and it's not even a GOOD FRIEND he's willing to sacrifice family for?? It's a FRIEND of A FRIEND. What a slap in the face.
As far as your freedom--you're right about the fact that G'ma can take 'em later, but since they're here, you belong to them. Nails have no priority and it's just a season. That will all happen again in due time. I appreciate your breastfeeding, that's the best for your child.
I picked a man who would never even think of doing what your husband is going to--why didn't you do that too? You can't change how he thinks now...you just are going to live with it, I'm afraid. "Dealing" with it means just that. I'm so sorry. I'll pray he changes his mind. I wonder how'd he feel if his girls were dancing in Vegas and oggled at, or worse, by Vegas Bachelor Party-goers. Ewe.
1 mom found this helpful
S.N. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
My husband just went to a bachelor party for his best friend...now I wasn't too thrilled about it in the first place but if it had been for "a friend of a friend" I would have said NO WAY! At this age, men don't need to be going to a bunch of bachelor parties in Vegas, with strippers, etc. I think it is totally innappropriate!
On top of that you have two small children which is all the more reason that it's not the time for him to take off for a weekend like that. He needs to understand your feelings so talk to him about all of this.
1 mom found this helpful
M.W. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Just my thoughts and opinion here.(read this like I'm pleading with you) I would have been the same way you are right now, and being totally fine with it. I actually was there about five years ago. A childhood friend my husband hadn't seen in many many years came to visit. They wanted to do road trip to Vegas. I was completely fine with it. Our daughter was about 5 then. I had total trust in my husband, we were madly in love. He wasn't that guy who would cheat and everyone thought that. Two weeks later my husband confessed to cheating on me in Vegas with some stranger they had met in the casino. I now can't stand Las Vegas and what it stands for. It is Sin City and there is no good that comes out of a husband going there without his wife or family. It's a place for singles, or couples not married men. I don't want to scare you or say that your husband is the same or could be. That was just my situation. But just so your aware that it does happen. And the group thing, I don't think means "safe". My husband and "friend" were in the same room. They have no shame. My husband was not a drinker either but was drinking that night and says he was drunk. Just be careful, I would hate for this to happen to anyone, it's an awful thing to deal with. The temptation is there and he may think he can withstand it but sometimes they just can't even though they love you more than the world, especially when drinking is involved. There judgment is clouded and they can't make sound decisions when there like that. He might take it as you don't trust him, and I'm sure he's trustworthy, but it's a respect thing. I'm wondering how he would feel if you were to go to Vegas with girlfriends and you went to a male strip club (if they even have any) but you know what I mean. Over there it's not just girls being topless and dancing around. They want money and do anything on the side to get it. If it was like his brother or something and family was going like father or brothers then maybe, but with friends of a friend, it just sounds fishy to me. You don't just leave your wife and newborn for someone you hardly know. I'm telling you, that wedding ring on there finger is so attractive to women. It doesn't deter them it makes them want to conquer. They think they are so great if they can get a married man to be with them. It's all a game and women just don't stick together anymore. Just be careful and I hope everything turns out okay. Good luck to you.....
1 mom found this helpful
V.V. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I hope you understand that this is not just a matter of whether or not you are going to let him go or not, you don't have that kind of power. It is a matter of RESPECT! You can not make him stay home, however, you have a responsibility to let him know how you feel. And there is a huge difference between a STRIP BAR and a pedicure! There is a huge time difference, opportunity difference, etc. There are no girating men at a nail salon. I think the whole thing is disrespectful. Free time for both of the spouces needs to respect the others feelings. And NEVER appologize for your feelings. Don't let them control you, but acknowledge them and decide what to do with them. You have choices. Set your boundaries and enforce them. You don't have to buy into what the world says we should be comfortable with, ask yourself what you are comfortable with, and be honest with yourself. Always take into consideration your spouces real needs, and your own as well. Respect yourself. You are the only one you can control. If he decides not to go because you are not comfortable with him doing something like this, and later resents you for it, that is HIS PROBLEM. Your responsibility is to let him know how you feel, you are not responsible for the results of his decision. And having children, a husband, home, etc, IS having a life, a wonderful life. I hope you receive this in the spirit with which it is given.
God bless you M., and give you wisdom,
1 mom found this helpful
S.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Hi. You need to talk to your asap. Don't wait - he wont know unless u tell him and it will drive you nuts if you feel like this. After he gets back from Vegas you have him watch the kids for a few hours and you go pamper yourself or go have fun w. a girlfriend. It is so important! Men don't understand because they are never in the same situation. I think that in order to be the best parent you also need alone time. SO important!
Take care and stand up for yourself.
1 mom found this helpful
S.C. answers from Las Vegas on June 03, 2008
It sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and talk about your being stuck, and schedule some time for you to get out every week. You need to be a team and help eachother out. If he's going for a weekend thing, then you should be able to go for a weekend thing when you're able to get away. Four years ago, I had a discussion with my husband about a weekend to Las Vegas (not my personal choice) with my friends. What it came down to was that with my 3 1/2 and 1 year old, a family vacation was not a vacation for me. Now, every year, for the past 4 years, I take one weekend trip of my own. My husband travels a lot and can get plenty of time to himself, and I also encourage him to take his own time for things. Anyway, since it's hard for you to leave for an hour or two, take advantage of that time to just go out and get your nails done, run a few errands, or just go for a walk. You really need it for your well being.
1 mom found this helpful
E.N. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
Hi! Well, as you have have probably read, you are not alone with your feelings! I have a 8 year old and a 4 month old. I too get the "must be nice" attitude. If we allow ourselves to continue with that thinking we will age fast with bitterness! Bitterness is such a terrible thing when we harbor it in our heart. So when i start to think like that (which is at least 2 times a day!) i have to counter it with positive thoughts, like thanking the Lord for my girls, and how much i love being a mom, and i begin to appreciate the time i am with them. We can't can't take back time, so i will be thankful for every minute i have with them. I too breastfeed, and i know it can be difficult getting out. There is a great group called Oceanside Explorers, they meet at various parks and houses almost every day of the week. I signed up, but have not yet been able to make an event. I have a group of moms and kids come from church to hang out during the week. It is good to be encouraged by one another.
Do you like to walk? We can meet for a walk (:
As for the bachlor party, no way jose! I do not think that is appropriate at all.
1 mom found this helpful
C.B. answers from Los Angeles on June 04, 2008
It sounds to me like the main problem is that you never get time to yourself. Is it that your husband won't help, are you not LETTING him help (this is really common, and unfortunately, a lot of times by the time the mom realizes what she is doing the hubby is already 'trained' not to help!), are you just not TAKING the time for yourself, or maybe a combo of all of these?
First, you NEED to start taking time for yourself. You need to be able to re-charge. Your husband gets a break from work, you should too. Trust me; I know from experience that you will be a better mom, and wife, if you take care of YOU!
Your husband taking care of your kids will help him bond better with them AND (best of all!) he will see how hard you work everyday! A lot of husbands have the misconception that a stay at home mom has it easy. I also think that it makes for a tighter family.
If he is not helping at all, I would ease him in by leaving him with the kids for an hour or so while you run to the store (to get yourself a latte…hey, he doesn’t need to know!), or ask him to take the kids for a walk while you take a long quiet bubble bath.
As for the Vegas trip? Well, if he gets to go somewhere for a few days with his friends, then he has to agree that you do the same. He goes for 2 days, and then next month you go for two days. This is completely fair.
My husband and I have a saying; ‘I don’t care where you get your appetite, but you eat at home’. Which means we can look all we want, but we come home to play! He actually likes it if I go to a ladies party and there is a male stripper, ‘cause I come home really, really happy to see him (wink wink)!
Mom of teens, married 20 years
S.S. answers from Reno on June 03, 2008
Just had a thought. I don't know what your finances are, but after his trip, could the four of you go to a hotel that has a spa? He could watch the kids at to the pool or be in the room watching football (or whatever ball game is on this time of year) and you can get the works? Massage, mani-pedi, etc? In between, you can go up to the room, feed the baby, and go back to enjoying yourself. For me, even two hours at the pool by myself with a good book is a splurge!
Find another couple with kids to go with! The men can watch the kids, the moms can get treatments! Then perhaps you can trade with the men so they can go have fun for a time period, shorter of course, because he just got back from Vegas. I'd put it to him that he's splurging on this friend of a friend, you'd like him to splurge on you as well.
Second idea, find a teenager in your neighborhood that can come over while you are home so that you can take a long bath, etc., uninterupted. I had the 14 year old across the street even come and sit and watch TV while the baby was sleeping so that I could take a bath without jumping up at every little sound. When you feel comfortable enough, you can run some errands. The counselors at the high school or jr. high in your neighborhood should be able to help a bit. If not, look up the girl scouts. Some of them have even had classes in infant care.
Just some ideas. Take care of yourself! You are the most important person to your husband. He should be on board with any ideas that make you a happier wife and mom. Don't be afraid to bring it up!
M.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
You'll probably get all sorts of advice so bear with it. :)
I have a newborn (only) and I get pretty frustrated when husband takes off or is not around or not helping (without my having to ask him). I completely understand where you're coming from and it's not easy. Keep in mind, that a man needs his man (bonding) time too (just like us women). Ask him if he'd be willing to take the girls (assuming you pump) for a day so you can go to a spa or the movies or something (in exchange).
By the 2nd weekend we brought our baby home, my husband was off to the speedway, then to San Diego then on a business trip and to the Speedway again. Since I was breastfeeding at the time, it didn't make sense to not let him go.
Does your husband help out alot with your 2 year old? If so, maybe someone (a friend/family member) can come over while he's gone to help out and keep you company.
Another idea, see if he could go but for a shortened period of time.
I know it's rough. And i get the whole resentful thing. I get that too!
Not much help, I know, but I thought I'd share with you.
W.E. answers from Los Angeles on June 04, 2008
M.- I have been married for 2 years now and my husband went to Vegas for his bacholor party!!! It was kinda nerve racking to think of him being there for 2 nights and I was stuck at home (with 2 kids 2&3 at the time)I didn't think anything bad was going to happen, however, the thought of him being there with other people and trusting them!!!! That's hard!!! Maybe you should let him know that you need a day!!! Go to a spa or something. Having a 1 month old might make you a little more hormonal than normal. If you ever just feel the need to talk I am willing to listen and give advice on what I can!!! Best Wishes!!!
B.M. answers from Las Vegas on June 03, 2008
M., I feel you! I live here in Vegas and used to strip here for years before I started a family. I would talk to him and let him know how you feel, I don't think a trip here without you and the kids is a good idea. I wouldn't let him go, it's just unfair that you have to stay at home without him and with the kids. There are some great cheap family frindly hotels here ( Golden Nugget will let you have floaties in pool and has a slide and the S side of pool area is shaded) Inexpensive yet great hotel, but in downtown so you don't want to leave hotel on a walk. THe topless bars are FULL contact compared to TX or the east coast. Trust is great but he should not be going there in YOUR families situation. It's not like you can enjoy him caressing your boobs or you can put them in his face right now since you are nursing. And I'm sure there is still baby weight on and those girls are ridicoulously hot. Yep I used to be B 4 Kids. The only reason I plan to go back in a titty bar is to get a DR's number from a girl with great boobs, yes I am nursing now and nursed my first one. I will be looking for some perky ones after this baby is done. I am a stay at home mom now and felt trapped too, but I joined a mom's club and It is the best thing I ever did. Check your local organizations ect and join a club just for moms it is wonderful, playdates, other moms in same situation ect. Hope this helps, Oh and if you do let him go to the strip club, I think it won't be so bad if he will come back to the room and help you with the kids throughout the night & morning when he is done.
S.R. answers from San Diego on June 11, 2008
trade a weekend with him so you can go out with your friends and get your nails done, etc.
S.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Given that you have a newborn and a toddler, your husband should either stay home, or hire someone to help you while he is gone. I would feel exactly the same!!
L.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
M., in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with your husband going to Vegas for a weekend with the boys. Even if it was not a bachelor party and just a weekend away. You can't keep score of who does what. It's a sure path to disaster. You're husband will appreciate your loving and trusting gesture of not making a big deal of his going away. When he gets back, take time for yourself. Maybe even set something up each week so you have "alone" time. Meet a girlfriend for a coffee/smoothie/tea and go for a walk or to have a mani/pedi. Just because your breast feeding doesn't mean you cannot have a life that doesn't involve the kids. However, you will find that when you are not with your kids, you will be thinking/talking of them.
Who knows, maybe one day one of your girlfriends will get married and have a bachelorette party in Vegas and then you can have your weekend with the girls while hubby stays home with the kids.
Best of luck to you and your family.
PS: I LOVE the advice of Jacqueline W!
C.T. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
I definitely know the feeling! It is hard not to be resentful and angry... but I've had to give myself an attitude check frequently.
My advice is this: get a good pump & use it! Once I started pumping, I could have milk on hand for my husband to feed my son if the opportunity came up for me to go spend some time with friends or even just get a few hours to myself. This is a necessity for moms! You can't be at your best if you have no you time or friend time. When I talked to my husband about this, he was really understanding and has made an effort to encourage me to get out every once in a while. So, pump pump pump!
A.B. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I say let him go. I am also a stay at home mom with 2 boys 6 & 3 1/2 yrs. I am 29 my husband 40 today! We are business owners I feel the same way my husband comes and goes with out question. But I also learned give him his freedom and when you want the spa or a girls night out there is no question he will not, or should I say could not complain. Letting your husband go to Vegas with the guys is a big IOU Honey!
A.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I can totally relate. I have a 15 mos old daughter and a 3 week old son. My husband of 1.5 years works at the Renaissance Faire on the weekends. This runs 8 weeks long. I have been lucky enough to have my mom come over to help watch my daughter while I tend to my son; however, last weekend my husband was too drunk to drive home after Saturday's Faire. So, he spent the night there. Well, my mom could not stay the night. So, I had both kids from 8pm Sat til noon Sun. I was pretty upset becuase yes, it doens't seem fair that I stay home with both kids while he goes out to play. I have been dying for just a taste of fun without the kids, but I have to wait till the boy is off the boob. However, we do have 2 hours between feedings, so Sunday I had a friend over and when my husband got home I fed the boy and said, "I'm going out with Brandi. I'll be back in an hour. If the boy cries, there is milk in the fridge" and I left with my friend for a while. I was gone all of 45 minutes but it was still nice to get away for a bit. It shocked my husband. He was suddenly left with the two kids by himself. I reminded him that I had them by myself for 9 hours and that shut him up. So, do take some time for yourself even it is just for an hour every now and then. Just let your husband know how you are feeling and ask him if he can watch the kids for an hour while you go out for a break. Every relationship needs balance. Today, my husband took our daughter out to do the shopping, so I only have the boy to worry about and he's sleeping right now! Ah a break! :)
R.F. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
M., I am sure you're husband is trustworthy, so this response doesn't seek to question his integrity in any way. What I want to do is point out one simple fact...I don't care how accepted the practice is in our society, there is nothing RESPECTFUL about a husband going to a strip bar to watch other naked women. I encourage you to let him know that it is beneath his role as father and husband and shows disregard for your role as wife and mother. Strip bars demean women in general, even though there are women that participate in them. This is not about the principle of trust, it is about the principle of right and wrong.
Just my two cents,
B.J. answers from Santa Barbara on June 03, 2008
Just let your husband have some fun. Your time will come too. Being a parent means that you must put your needs on the back burner for a while. In time, when your little one is not so dependent on you, your husband will be able to stay with the kids while you take a weekend with your friends, if you so desire. Just be a little patient.
A.K. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
I have the same situation coming up in Sept. My daughter will be 2 1/2 and my son will be 8 months. He is exclusively breastfed and refuses a bottle so I am trapped 24/7, too! We don't have any family within 10 hours of here... I finally realized that what was bothering me about him going away was resentment. I resent the fact that he CAN and I resent the fact that he wants to. I guess I kind of feel like he signed up for this, too, yet he doesn't have to deal with the not-so-fun parts as much as I do. So, our compromise is that he can go to the bachelor party, but in return, I get $200 for a babysitter. Some of the money will be used while he is gone (from 5:30 to 8:30 each evening) but the rest I get to use for quick "mommy time" outings after he gets back. I think its hard for dads to understand what a luxury it is to have alone time even if it is just to run errands without kids.
E.B. answers from San Luis Obispo on June 03, 2008
Tell your husband how you feel. You have just had a baby and you are not back to normal. Your body, your hormones, and emotions are not settled yet. Is this friend of a friend, really a friend of his? Talk it over with him, and see if you can come up with a plan that works for both of you. So you both can get out once and a while. Having two babies in such a short time can be stressful in itself. Not only on you, but also on your time together. Try to get Gma to watch the older child, and take the baby out to dinner with you and your husband, or have a movie night at home. I hope this helps you some.
M.K. answers from Los Angeles on June 04, 2008
Hi M., I SOOO get it on all accounts! Of course you are angry and resentful. Being a stay at home mom with young children can be so difficult and lonely. You feel so cut off from the world and the life you used to have and the woman you used to be. My kids are a little older now, 13, 10, & 7, and honestly I love it so much more! I love the freedom that I am getting back in my life... so 2 things come to mind! First, try not to begrudge your hubby a chance away, even though the whole strip bar thing is not fun to have to deal with. there is a wonderful book that literally changed my life, about men and women. It's called Keys to the Kingdom, by Alison Armstrong, who also runs workshops and has a website called Understanding men.com. It taught me so much about men and how to talk, live and deal with them in a way that most women do not, and has brought me so much closer to my husband. I have used this info with many of my coaching clients!!!! And told all of my friends to read it. We forget that they need time to let loose too. Second, get a babysitter! Go do something for you. Yoga, a massage, a day out reading a great book at Starbucks! When my kids were little I had a nanny on Wednesdays and I did whatever I wanted. I even pumped so I didn't have to come home for feedings. Get yourself a coach or a therapist if that's what you need. Most coaches work on the phone, so you wouldn't even have to take the baby off the breast! You absolutely deserve and NEED that time so you can handle all that you are handling on a daily, minute by minute basis. This period will end and you will have freedom again, but you deserve to be happy now. Happiness is not something we should "put off" for a better time. The time is here and now! xo
M.E. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I'm in the same boat. We have a 3 month old baby girl and my husband gets invited to go out with friends sometimes. He does not go often, but I hate it when he does. I cannot drink, but he can. I cannot be gone for long periods of time, but he can. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. We also have a 10 yr old son and an 8 yr old daughter. What I've started to do, is pump as much as possible the week before to try to get some extra feedings so that he can feed her. Then, I tell him I'm going out and he has baby duty. I'll go out with the girls for a girls night, but I drink non-alcoholic drinks(virgin versions of what they are drinking). You could pump enough for about 3-4 feedings and have a drink or two and just throw out the first one or two pumpings after you get back. Then you can feed her again and she'll be fine.
T.C. answers from Los Angeles on June 27, 2008
What is it that you want/need that you aren't getting right now? Time away from the kids? Time out with the girls? Time alone? There is NOTHING wrong with wanting/needing those things. Once you know what it is, talk to you husband and build it into your schedule. That way you get what you want/need on a regular basis and you're happy. Things like Las Vegas won't bother you, because you'll be getting what you need too. Don't make it a "he gets this and I don't." Get what you need too, not because it makes it "even" but because you really need it, and it will make you a better mom if you don't carry around resentment toward Daddy.
M.J. answers from Los Angeles on June 04, 2008
Why don't you talk to him and see about going with him? The bachelor party's just at night - you could lounge by the pool during the day with the kids and relax... maybe get a massage or something while he watches the kids (if you have the money) :o) Just an idea! I know how you feel about missing the freedom!
S.P. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
First of all congratulations on your new baby! I think it is perfectly normal and reasonable for you to be tired, unhappy, and bummed that he can just leave but your responsibility is more than that. In my opinion this is less about a bachelor party or Vegas and more about the fact that YOU need time TOO! I agree with Anne K (and many others)- use the time he has off as a BIG IOU to YOU. Whether it's a dollar amount or just plain time. Maybe this weekend he goes to Vegas but he owes you 48 hours of babysitting time. You can use your time in small increments- go get a pedicure one day, book yourself a massage another day. Sounds to me -and I totally relate to this- you need a FRIEND. Someone to spend time with you. Those first few months with baby are SO TOUGH. All these Mamas are with you in spirit so just tell him you're having a rough time and that you need to negotiate something that's fair for the both of you. Good luck M. and take care.
S.C. answers from Los Angeles on June 04, 2008
So understand the stuck at home snydrome! I had 3 kids in 5 years. One thing I learned straight away was to get all my kids use to a bottle during the first month, even though I was breast feeding. I also made sure they were use to formula also.
The reasoning behide this is that what if there was an emergency and you needed to be with a loved one in the hospital etc. You can't take the children there. Also I realized I needed time away and Dad needed to experience being at home with the kids without me. To realize how hard to juggle everyone for 3-4 hours, changing, feeding and putting down for naps. This gave me time to run errands or get some girl time, manicures, hair done or simply have lunch or see a movie with a friend.
My doctor helped me immensly by telling me how to freeze my breast milk. This became a routine especially since I would feed the babies 1 bottle of formula a day. Beginning with mixing it with my breast milk. When using the bottle I would pump my brest afterwards, date the milk and freeze it. Then you could take the milk to wherever too. My mom and friends loved the idea when taking care of my little ones. Also a supply of formula just in case they ate more than usual or I was running a little longer.
This really helped me get some ME time which is so important and later on helped for overnights with my husband for some WE time.
Let your husband go and remind him when the baby is a little older you want to go for a Spa weekend with your girlfriends. My children are older now 10, 12 & 15 but I still need ME time. Two months ago it was a spa & wine weekend in Solvang and just last weekend shopping in Caramel and Monterey. Granted we stayed in Salinas, 2 to a room splitting $99.00 rate but only 20 minutes to Caramel and some much fun. We drove up Friday morning talking and laughing all the way and then back on Sunday. My kids are still mad I dare go have fun without them. But my husband is very supportive. He knows it makes me happy and relaxed.
good luck girlfriend and I also have great ideas for just simple evening get togethers for some R & R. My gal pals are planning a Sex in the City evening, dinner and then late showing. So, simple and so recharging of our batteries.
M.L. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I think I can relate on how you feel. I felt the same way when I had my daughter who is now about to to 18 months. It is difficult for men to understand how it is for a mom taking care of little ones, especially newborns, unless they are actually stuck at home doing it themselves. Have your husband take at least three days off from work (vacation time, personal time, or paternity leave...he does have up to 6 weeks according to state law)and have you do nothing (but of course breastfeed), switching the roles in a sense, although you will also be home. Stay in your room and relax, or go out for the hours you don't have to nurse. Have HIM take care of the 2 kids and see how it goes. He will realise how much work and how much of the outside world you really do miss when you have little ones like newborns. I know this is daring but try it. As for the vegas trip, he needs to be more understanding. I too believe he is crazy to go but boys will be boys and sometimes they don't think logically ;) I give you this advice because my husband has been taking care of my daughter on Sundays from 6:00am until 8:00pm and on friday mornings until 12:00 before he takes her to Nanas. These are the days I chose to go back to work (RN) and it was not until he actually took care of her all day that he realised it was more challenging than he thought and is more undersatanding of me as a mom and is a great help with my daughter. Going to a strip club definitely is a NO, NO but you two have to discuss this further. Good Luck, and Congratulations on your newborn!!!!
L.G. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
M., it is not like he choose when his friend to get married, then it is just happen after you have the baby, it is just a coincidance. Then you have to be strong, dropp you attitud, resentment, anger and swallow the situation and let it digest it. The more anger you get, the biggest the wall between you and your husband is going to be. You didn't mention that he goes out all the time, which that will be a different story. Then have a plan for the future, no more babies, then you can start going out with your husband like before. To be honest also is like you need to accept you new life as a mom, it is different life. Things will never be the same, and kids are the priority, because they didn't ask to come, we make the plans, and after they are here, we realize life is not what we expect. When I had my daughters, I embrace them and love them so much, and took it seriously, because I realize they need me every second, but I had no regrets as they gat older, I start doing things that I like and eventually had my own space. Love your husband, love your kids and wait, because the moment will come to do everything you want to do. Love from another mom. L.
S.F. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
You sound like a very dedicated, hard working mother and wife. Here is my own personal opinion for whatever it is worth: I think your husband is being very selfish and insensitive if he is springing a trip on you last minute with a new baby at home to go to some strangers bachelor party. I disagree with the notion that he is working hard so you can stay at home. As if it is some luxury. Don't get me wrong, being a mom is the best job in the world. However you and your husband agreed to have children together and somehow agreed to have you stay home instead of some stranger to care for your children (a very underappreciated self sacraficial job). You are not just staying home so he can work, you are working too but 24/7. There needs to be a group effort here and if you need help and now is a bad time for him to fly off to Vegas I would tell him how you feel. He shouldn't resent you for that. I am tiered of making excuses for men and their insensitivities and careless behavior. Nothing wrong with letting your husband know that you really need him right now.
E.N. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
My husband is 39. We have been married for almost 6 years. We have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. I feel trapped a lot, and I especially know how you feel trapped while breastfeeding. I am all in favor of getting breaks, for both parents. I know I don't get nearly enough. However, my heart is breaking for you over the whole trip to Vegas thing. I read your request this morning and I have felt sick to my stomache all day wondering if there was anything I could say to you. I trust my husband completely, but I also know he would never even consider going to a strip bar, nor would he go to Vegas for a weekend with a bunch of guys (we all know the reputation for Vegas). There is nothing that you can do anywhere that stays "there" and doesn't follow you - I can still hear the voice of my youth pastor from nearly 20 years ago saying, "you are a product of your choices." And we are all just human - putting yourself in a "dangerous" situation rarely ends well. But he is insistent on going. I hope I can encourage you in saying that you have made a wonderful choice to stay home with your kids and to breastfeed. You have chosen an incredible profession - to invest in the lives of your children. It is a huge responsibility, and the rewards are also great - many of which you may only realize in the years to come. Hang in there until you can get more breaks, what you have chosen to do is worth the sacrifice. I don't know if I have said anything that could help you, I think you got some good advice from other moms too, and I am praying for you.
S.R. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
been there... and still there! It's just not the same for the moms as it is for the dads. They have way more freedom. My husband went to his brother's bachelor party weekend when our newbie was only 2 mo old. You can't help but be resentful and think "must be nice..." Now, my daughter is 1 and if my husband goes out for a night or weekend, I kind of enjoy the time alone with my daughter (I work during the week) and not having to clean up after him, worry about giving him attention and all that! ha ha. But, I think you should take a night out with the girlfriends, or even a weekend (as soon as you feel comfortable leaving the small one). It's only fair. And it's good for your husband to be in charge of the kids for an extended period of time, he'll appreciate what you do so much more!
I always make a big deal and point out little instances to my husband, at least so he can appreciate that he gets to do things I can't. Makes me feel better if I know he recognizes how our roles are different and how lucky he is at times. Even his ability to hop in the shower without checking with anyone first (us moms pretty much have to arrange childcare to do this basic task) It's enough to make you crazy if you think too hard on it.
Just know that we're with you- you are not alone in your feelings! Sorry no good advice for you though! Just moral support :) Try to change your perspective on the weekend and enjoy your break from the demands of having a husband too (is mine the only one so needy? he he!)
A.C. answers from Santa Barbara on June 03, 2008
I would not be OK with this, especially if it's not a close friend of his. You are experiencing postpartum right now and he must understand your mood swings, one minute your ok then next your not. He needs to be with his family right now and bond with you and your new born and be your support system (you can't always count on others). In a positive manner, speak to him about your feelings and think about what your going to say before you start this conversation. If he feels he needs a little time away, he should pick a more positive recreation, this way you don't feel the burden. Good luck and I feel you!
J.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
My first question would be, have you expressed this to him?? I think if he goes, then you should also be allowed some YOU time upon his return. Because it is a HUGE thing to go for an entire weekend to leave his wife and kids behind while he goes out partying it up in Vegas. You deserve some YOU time too.
I am also a 24/7 mom as I am still nursing my 8 month old son. I do pump when I work (which is 2 part time jobs, one of which I can bring my son to). So I get that time, but going to work is not ME time. Sure, I get a baby break... but who goes to work for ME time? Point being, you deserve it to. And I think expressing it to him in just that way should open it up for him a little bit. Guys aren't mind readers. And they don't take hints. So you'll just have to tell him straight out what your expectations are.
Hope that helps!!! Good luck!
L.C. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I'm sorry you are so stressed. You need a break. You and your husband need to come to some sort of understanding where you both get personal time without the kids.
Since it seems to be the nursing that is keeping you home, why not look into pumping and storing your milk. Then anyone can feed the baby and you can stay out longer. You can still nurse when you are at home. You can pump everyday and store enough milk so you can go away for a weekend with your girlfriends (or your husband) - it sounds like you need it. (I tried to nurse but I hated it and gave my son formula from a bottle at the same time - he didn't care which he had as long as he ate). Don't feel guilty if you are not nursing all the time - it is more important for you to be stress free. The baby will be fine with a bottle. The baby won't be fine with a stressed mother.
If your husband is going to go away for the weekend, you should make arrangements to have someone stay with you - a friend or family member (his or yours) who can help you out when he is away. This will give you some sort of break while he is away.
Good luck with everything!
C.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Boy can I relate! It's hard when your a nursing mommy, I've been pg or nursing for over 5 years now (between 2 kids) and I've been tied to at least one of them for all that time (I weaned my DS when I was 3 mos pg, he was 2 1/2). I think the longest time I've gotten to myself has been a couple of hours, sometimes I think I'll go nuts. My DH travels for work, or works some pretty insane hours (he co-owns a film production company and is on set at odd hours). When my DS was born I became a SAHM and we struggled for the first year to adjust to one income. It'd been years since we'd had a vacation when he got flown out 1st class and was wined and dined by the Missouri Film commission. Ok so it WAS Missouri in the winter, but at least he got away from the hum-drums of our ratty little apt. and was treated like royality while I was stuck in a rocking chair with a baby glued to my breast!!
My kids love their daddy, and he is SUCH a great daddy, but guess who they are closer too? I've struggled w/ depression at times in my life, but how could I ever feel depressed again knowing that I am THE most important person in the world to two very precious people? I keep telling myself they'll only be this little for such a short time and to enjoy it while it lasts.
Does your DH know how you feel? Hopefully he cares, and you two can come up with a way for you to re-charge your batteries. IMHO I'd let him go, and if you have something to look forward to, then it should help to relieve the feelings of resentment. If you explain things (using a lot of "I feel, I need" type of statments and avoid using "you" statements so he won't get on the defense) and confirm that you understand his need to spend time w/ his friends, and for him to please not forget that you need to recharge your batteries too (hope that makes sense).
Another thought, can you have someone come over to help/visit while he's away (your mom, sister, friend, MIL, SIL, aunt??)
Sorry this got so long, guess you hit a button w/ me :)
M.A. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Hi. I'm not sure whether you are resenting your hubby's freedom to leave town for a single big event (because you never do?) or whether your resentment has more to do with an ongoing lack of time for yourself? If you're just upset about this one-time trip, I would let it slide, but maybe after he's back tell him (not ASK him) that you need a break after all-weekend childcare and that you're going out for an evening with a friend the following week or going to the salon or whatever. However, it sounds like the problem is that you never get time for yourself and that your husband frequently goes out for fun without checking with you first. This is very common -- I think as moms we feel a cultural pressure to always be there for our kids and to put our own needs last, and also when you are a stay-at-home mom and your hubby works, he is in the habit of knowing that you are taking care of the kids; the men are not in a position of having to regularly arrange childcare so they can work, play, etc., because you are the default child-care provider. So your husband may be clueless that you feel this way if you have not told him. SO... Do not peg this conversation to the trip to Vegas, but in a calm moment when you have time to talk with each other, you need to explain to him that you are getting burned out with constant childcare and never getting a break. It's OK to acknowledge that you felt a bit jealous about him getting a chance to go to Vegas for fun and you haven't had that opportunity. (If you DO have an opportunity to do something similar with your friends and you want to take it, you should gently but firmly make it clear to hubby that it's his turn to be the full-time parent. Pump breastmilk if necessary, then make arrangements to get away for a while. Point out that he had his Vegas, so you can have something similar, too.) ... However, your building resentment will be eased considerably if you make fun/downtime for yourself a REGULAR thing. Find something you enjoy and build it into your day. (A walk? A swim? -- something physical is ideal because then you're also accomplishing some exercise). Coffee date with a friend? Some quiet time to lock yourself in your bedroom with a book for half an hour, or one undisturbed hour every night to catch up on your favorite TV? Whatever it is, SCHEDULE IT ON YOUR CALENDAR and guard it zealously. Do not cancel it out when something else comes up (unless there's a true emergency, of course.) Explain to your husband that you need the break, ask him to take care of all kid and household responsibilities during that time, and if he resists this at all, you will have to explain that your building resentment is hurting your marriage and frankly it doesn't make you a better parent, either. (If necessary, have grandparents or a sitter watch the kids if hubby balks. The point is that you get a break, which is more important than hubby being the one to take over child care.) Ideally having a little time to yourself for something small each day, PLUS a date night for the two of you, even if it's only once a month, PLUS a few occasions when you get out of the house with your friends on a regular basis will do wonders for your mood, your marriage and your parenting (less crankiness!). You and your husband can trade off childcare, definitely take advantage of the grandparents' abilities to do this, and also if necessary arrange child-care trades with some friends. They probably want to be able to get a manicure or go clothes shopping without their kids, too, so make it work! ... also I know that having a newborn limits your mobility, but why do you feel like you are always trapped in the house? You can nurse a newborn anywhere, the baby can sleep in the car/stroller, so even though it requires hauling around a lot of stuff, try to get out of the house every day. Your toddler probably needs that, too. And if you feel like you aren't close enough with other moms nearby to make plans with them or ask them to trade childcare, then make an effort to make friends. (Storytime at the library, any kind of toddler activity is an opportunity to meet other moms; other women in the neighborhood, or try finding a group such as MOPS -- Mothers of Preschoolers -- or Stroller Strides, a fitness group for new moms w/ their babies in the strollers. It's a great workout and very social and would make you feel 100 percent better. www.strollerstrides.net. Good luck!
E.N. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
I totally understand how you feel. My husband is a Marine and just got back from a 7 month deployment and is already planning a one week hunting trip a few months from now. And I remember the all day fishing trips when I was breastfeeding a newborn. No matter what the activity is, this is always a hard situation.
Here is a book I highly reccomend: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My husband and I read this together and we can truly understand eachother (and the other's) needs much more.
I know it is hard (= But when you talk to him about this if you can keep a kind tone, he will hear you much better. I only say this because of my own experiences and I have talked to my husband nicely.. and not so nicely.. The kind words always get me further. Good luck, and God Bless
C.O. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I am currently in a similar situation. I am a full time nursing mom and a teacher. My husband is going to Vegas for four days, so I'm going to go with my 9 mth. old baby and two dogs to my mom's house. However, it is the end of the school year and I am trying to get ready for my students' graduation while packing, teaching, nursing, oh yeah and pumping.
I know you feel your stuck, because I think/feel we are the main providers in during our children first years. Maybe, when he comes back you can leave the children with him for a couple of hours to go see a movie, grab a coffe, or just go for a walk. I know i've been due for a manicure, pedicure and let me not even mention my eyebrows. Good luck, and if you ever feel frustrated just email.
B.B. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
Hi M.- I can completely relate and know it is hard to be the one "trapped" at home while you husband feels like life hasn't changed much for him. As much as we love our little ones, it can be hard to not have any time to ourselves. I have been bitter about a few trips my husband took when our little one was younger (she is now 5 months old). Now that she is a little older, things are turning around. I think because I gave my husband that freedom in the beginning, he now feels like he owes me and I can get out of the house for shopping/ mani pedis/ or lunch with friends while he watches the baby. I even am planning a girls trip in July to Vegas myself for a bachlorette party. I think you should let him go...but let him know you are a REALLY accomodating and wonderful wife for doing so. He will appreciate it!
D.W. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Ouch! His timing with the weekend away is terrible! I am adjusting myself to having two kids- two year old boy and newborn boy (April). It's tough!
You should talk to him about how trapped you are feeling and figure out a way to alleviate that feeling now. It's hard to go anywhere for the first month or two but with help it is possible. Maybe go to a spa in the mall with a play area- have Your mom or Hubby watch the two year old while you take the nb and get a facial or your nails done. Or get out for a bit between feedings. My mom watched the boys during their nap and my hubby and I went to a movie- worked out just right.
I would suggest to your hubby that he plan a different time to go to Vegas with his friends. You need all the help you can get right now. He can wait especially since it is not his friend's party. Schedule when would be a better time.
M.C. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
Things will get better for you. The trapped feeling with a newborn will eventually go away. (You probably know that.)
However, I would FREAK if my husband went to Vegas being in your situation right now. With good reason. You just had a baby!
Maybe he can take his friend locally and do Vegas another time.
Good luck- Hang in there!
J.S. answers from Seattle on June 03, 2008
If you can handle the time when he's away, let him go. However, make him understand that in return, you get (name your terms). Since you cannot go away for a weekend without the babies, ask for something like free time every Saturday morning for a few hours, and/or time in the evening to go to a class that interests you, or whatever.
It takes guys awhile to understand that as great as motherhood is, and even though we choose to breastfeed, it is HARD to be "tethered" to our babies and fathers need to be more generous with help. Try to express this nicely, and as often as possible, until he really gets it- including the fact that he cannot just "take off whenever he feels the urge"- he has two babies to take care of!
T.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Your feelings are completely understandable. He should not go, in my opinion. We make sacrifices to have a family and going to Vegas for a bachelor party for a friend of a friend is one of the sacrifices we make.
I am a stay at home mom of a 2.5 yr old and a 6 month old. I am a true 24/7 mom too. I nurse, co-sleep with the baby... I can't leave the house for more than an hour either. Plus by 7:00 p.m. my baby will only come to me or she is very upset. I choose not to go to a very good friend's wedding this coming August in another state because family comes first.
My husband did leave for a weekend recently, but only for a family wedding in another state - that seems reasonable to me. No way does a party weekend seem reasonable when you have a newborn in the house. It is all about priorities.
J.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 02, 2008
Men and women's communication style is very different, and having small children puts a lot of stress on a marriage. I totally understand where you are coming from. When my twins were little, I would sob with anger if my husband called to tell me he'd be home late! But it does get better, but here are some some things we did to help us make it through...
1. Let him go. Even though he doesn't have an infant attached to his breast, he also is probably feeling stressed and tired and needs a break. He will no doubt, come home in a much better mood. Marriage is about trust, so this is a great time to let him know you trust him.
2. But in return, ask him to budget some help for you as part of his trip expenses. Think about hiring a post partum doula to come and stay. This will make life easier while he is gone. Use a pump to fill up some bottles and let her take the night shift while he is away, so you can have your own little "sleeping" vacation. This will do a lot to improve your outlook on life!
3. When the kids are a little older, make your guys and girls weekend aways a regular thing. My husband and I do this every year and it is always nice to cut loose and have fun with the girls for a weekend.
4. Make time for eachother. Even if getting out on a date once a week isn't feasible right now, at least order a nice dinner in and enjoy it together while the baby is sleeping.
R.P. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
My husband went to Las Vegas for a bachelor party when mine were 2 1/2 and 6 months (so a bit older). I had no worries of him drinking, cheating or gambling either. The group went to a strip bar too. But I ended up being so glad I "let" him go. He got to remember how fun time away can be and was more supportive of me finding time to myself. (I nursed too, but eventually pumped also.) And he came back so appreciative of all of us. He missed us terribly and called home at during story time at night. I guess we all enjoyed giving him a bit of freedom and getting back a happier father and husband.
It will get easier. I promise. Adjusting to two can be very difficult at times but eventually it really does work out. I think going from no children to one child was easier than from one child to two. Also consider the possibility that since your youngest is still a newborn that maybe there's a bit of post-partum depression. I suffered a bit with my first born but was fine with my second. (Might sound odd, but daily sunshine really seemed to help.)
Let your husband enjoy himself and ask grandma to come over for lots of short visits so you can go for a walk or roam a bookstore for a short bit. It really is important.
It will get so much better.
M.B. answers from Reno on June 03, 2008
If it were a bachelor party, of a close friend and/or he was part of the groomsmen, then perhaps I would say okay but with a 1 month old...that's pushing it. If it was local and he would be coming home at the end of the evening, okay but no way would I be okay with my husband leaving me for the weekend with a baby, let alone a baby AND a two year old.
Our daughter is 20 months and this was the first time I've been okay with my husband being gone for the night without me and it was for a charitable cause. We do go out on a weekend here and there (not too often but sometimes) and sometimes I go with my friends, sometimes he goes with his and I get to go to the store alone and he gets to too but no way would I be okay with an entire weekend alone with the baby.
It's too much and you're tired and you need his help. How can he not see that? Don't let him get into the habit of thinking that it's your job and if he does stay home, he's babysitting. That was my situation with my son's dad and he's my ex now going on 11 years.
It's not the strip club I'd have a problem with, it's the issue of being left alone during the one time (I assume he works and you stay home?) where you are sure to have his help for more than a few hours in the evening.
He's a father now and he has responsiblities just like you do. He needs to step up to the plate and tell his friend of a friend, sorry but not this time, my wife needs me at home.
W.S. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Hi M., I totally understand where you are coming from. To keep yourself healthy and happy though, you might want to consider to start pumping and allowing your baby to have a bottle every now and then in about 2 months. That way you can go to lunch with a girlfriend, have a pedi/mani, etc. and your husband can be home with the kids. Don't punish him because of your choice that I am sure you made together to be a stay at home, nursing mom! It is such a privlege and will go by so fast that you will miss it! I know it is hard now, sometimes I get resentful that my husband gets to go to work and have adult time while I am home 24/7 with the kids and then I put it back in to perspective how temporary it really is what I am doing and to enjoy every moment because it will be so different in a couple of years for you!!!
Hang in there, love your husband and kids and enjoy this time, your day is coming, I promise!!! Plan a 1 year anniversary spa weekend for when you are done nursing and all your milk has dried up!! Then your husband can be Mr. Mom for the weekend and you get to have that much needed rest and relaxation!!
Good luck & God bless you!
S.B. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I feel your pain. My husband, too, has gone off on a couple of weekend trips since the birth of our son (he's now eight months) and I also breastfeed. I also work full time, so I'm not completely in the same boat since my time on the weekends is all I really have. I'm responding because I wanted to let you know that in a couple of weeks, you should be able to start expressing milk so your husband and/or grandma can bottle feed with your breastmilk and give you a little break. Having a good pump is a huge advantage. When you have extra or don't need what you pumped because you were at home feeding, freeze it. You'll end up with a good amount in back-up eventually. And then you can take a weekend away. I went to Vegas myself for a long weekend with a girlfriend when my son was six months old and my husband had no room to complain since he'd had his own free time. Pumping and dumping on the trip was a pain in the rear, but it was so worth it! I missed my son, of course, but time to be yourself is very important. Hang in there. What you're doing for your little one is priceless!
C.E. answers from Las Vegas on June 02, 2008
I do feel for you!! I live here in Vegas and we do not have friends really and all our family is in Cali. I am stuck at home 24/7. I only go out to shop for groceries and household items. I have 0 social life. But, when my husband is invited to go out with a guy from work (rare occasion), I let him. They went to a cigar lounge and Vegas style it was topless. My husband is not into that sort of thing but I did not mind because he was lucky to be able to socialize. The only friend he has here is not have our same life style. He is married and they are a nice couple. But do not have kids so it is hard. So I understand how you feel.
Let him go under one condition. He gives you the same opportunity just broken up. How about you get a day to yourself and pump ahead of time if your baby can take a bottle while you are gone. And go pamper yourself. Have him take care of the children even if someone needs to come and help. Let him know that your problem is not the party or where it is located but that you need to BREATHE also. Or if you have a relative that can watch the children for you and he takes you away for a weekend. He has to understand there has to be a compromise. When you do talk to him, try not to be on the defensive side. He may listen better. But do let him know how you feel TRAPPED and a happy Mommy makes a better Mommy (and wife). You are human also not a machine and you deserve breaks too. Good Luck!!!
E.C. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I know how you feel because I felt the same way years ago when my children were younger. At the time, I had a three year old and newborn. It is just going to take time for you to have your "life" back so to speak. I felt some postpartum depression and I hated the way I felt after my second baby came. I put on a ton of weight, was stuck at home (with not one but two, now) and wanted coffee and diet coke in the worst way but I was nursing and needed to remain healthy. My husband was always busy outside the home working. I think my saving grace was the fact that I had made many friends with my first born and most of us were having our second. My friends were my salvation. I know the feeling of resentment but it is temporary. My kids are now 11 and 14, where did the time go? Enjoy your children, let your husband be free to socialize and "the stuck at home" part of child rearing will end before you know it. You husband will feel your resentment and while it seems unfair now, you really are the primary caretaker. Take advantage of the the hour or two you can get out and go for a walk, shop, go to a movie. Do something to free yourself of your oppressive feelings. Be well.
G.M. answers from Las Vegas on June 03, 2008
oh, there were times when i was SO JEALOUS because "i want to play, too." i so longed for a break to go have fun. or to just sleep. in fact, i still do. but now that my kids are a little older (5 and 2), it's easier to find the time.
here's how i used to steal a 4 hour window (makes a world of difference) every now and then: i kept a "six-pack" of ready to use formula in the pantry (because i really dislike pumping) and some bottles by Breastflow and Second Nature. This worked great because Dad or Grandma can pop a single use can, used at room temperature, and fill a bottle - and the nipples on the two bottles i mentioned work similar to the breast and so confusion was not a problem. So, if i wanted a nap, Dad could take over one feeding that evening (which he enjoyed) and i got much needed extra rest WIN! WIN! Or Grandma could take one feeding and hubby and i could go out for a quick bite. saved my sanity.
now, take a deep breath, and let your anxiety go. with babies and kids, the days are long, but the years are short. ( i never would have believed that with my first child, the days sometimes seemed soooo flippin long) but now that my second is almost 2, it is glaringly apparent. this is your special time to hold your baby, so do your best to enjoy this short window of time in your life. in the timetable of the years of your life, your kids are small for an instant, and then the opportunity is behind you. so let your anger go. cherish now. look into your baby's eyes and fill your heart with love and enjoy the special bond that nursing can bring.
feelings follow thoughts, so think happy thoughts, and automatically you will begin to feel better. any time you notice an angry or unpleasant thought comes across your mind - change the thought. this really works. i love audiobooks/meditations/affirmations by Louise Hay and Shakti Gawain. i listen to them often, and it helps me to relax when i'm exhausted, and the loving messages rejuvenate me. my 2 yr old is paging me, gotta go. good luck.
S.H. answers from Honolulu on June 02, 2008
Such is a Mom's life. Yes, it can drive you stir crazy.
I would suggest, that you tell your Husband all this... men don't always "think" nor can they read our minds.
When I am feeling that way, I tell my Husband... and he thanks me because as he says "if you don't say anything I assume you are feeling fine... if you tell me then it reminds me..."
I have 2 children too, and I went through this and still do. My Hubby works and goes to school and goes hiking on the weekends and sees his buddies. I'm fine with it... because he, likewise, will give me my own time off when I need it... they KEY here being when I "tell" him. Otherwise, he doesn't think about it. Men are that way. You need to "remind" them of your needs too.
About the strip bar and bachelor party... it's fine. No harm in it... my hubby has done those too, I feel completely fine with it as I trust him and me and the kids are always his FIRST priority.
Men need time off too... or they will "resent" things. Don't want that.
But really, you NEED TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS TO YOUR HUBBY. They don't do it on purpose, at least mine doesn't. You REALLY need to come to an arrangement with your Hubby about having your OWN time off.. .and to do things that women need to do, by themselves. No harm in it. But tell him. DO NOT build up resentment... it's not good for your or your marriage. Don't blame him, unless he is really that uncaring and selfish... and if you don't tell him what you feel, well, then don't expect him to read your mind. Men are not like that. You are a Mom... and yes, it eats away into your own time, but you have to work something out. A resentful/angry Mom is not good for the kids either. I know it's not easy.... I have moments like that too, but I have worked it out with my Hubby.
S.D. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I'm sure if you expressed your feelings to your husband in a kind and loving nature he would HEAR you. Keep the tone out. It's not so much the fact he's going away for the weekend (if you do in fact trust him) it's that you get NO time for yourself. But there are ways around that. Plan a day at the spa and pump your milk so that he can feed her. Or even if it's a couple of hours to the nail salon for a mani/pedi you deserve it! He works and deserves some time off, but you also work very hard raising your kids so you deserve it too. I'm sure after one day of watching the kids he will agree with you. :)
M.G. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I personally don't agree at all, but why don't you go with him and be there in the hotel waiting for him when it is over?
Maybe he will feel the need to be on his best behavior knowing you will be there.
V.P. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Hi, yah!! That does "suck" that because we had the kids they get to have the freedom!!
Hi, My name is V. and I have been married for 18 years with a 17 year old son and 16 year old daughter!! I sense that your not feeling loved right at this moment!! Men are often selfish in that way and will have the "it's all about me" moments more often then we will!! I guess that's why God decided to choose us to make as the Mommies cause he knew we could handle it!! Believe me if you decided not to let your husband go to this bachelor party in Vegas with his friends, his going to recent you!! Something I'm sure you don't want to do!! If you trust him like you say you do, trust that he will do the right thing!! And when he gets back, go on a "only me" day and let him take care of the kids........pump some breast milk in a bottle!! It's hard, I know the feeling and right now since your baby is so young, your emotions are much more sensative!! What I use to do for myself, was and still do, is have Mommie's "Friday nites", a bunch of my friends and I still go every other Friday to "Happy Hour" and then dancing ever since the kids were young and that was my way of feeling like I still had a life!! So maybe you can find something you like and start from there~~ Good Luck, V.
R.S. answers from Los Angeles on June 08, 2008
I totally understand your anxiety and insecurity.
You can also ask your hb to babysit once or twice a week and take off for 2 hrs
S.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 02, 2008
I making the assumption that neither of you have shared each other's feelings about becoming parents of two children. From what I understand, becoming parents of two children is a bigger adjustment than 3 to 4 or 4 to 5.
Be sure to live your life with no regrets, by this I mean try to look at the bright side of all things. If you are able to communicate with one another, you may come up with an arrangement/schedule for both of you to have personal time to decompress. If I were in your position I would propose to turn the weekend into a family getaway. He can still attend the bachelor party, but the night before or after, he can stay with the children while you go and have your own fun at the casinos. Good luck with sharing your feelings with each other. It seems there may be some room in your relationship to work on communication, good luck with that.
H.A. answers from Santa Barbara on June 03, 2008
Your feelings are completely normal and justified, it stinks and is so unfair to be the mom sometimes! BUT, you shouldn't hesitiate letting your husband go to Vegas. In fact, you should encourage him to go and be really positive about it. He's been working really hard too (not as hard as you) and deserves some fun. Find a place in your soul where you can be happy for him to have this fun thing to go to. Send him off with a smile. You will offically be the coolest wife ever. He will go and miss you terribly. He will tell the other guys how you WANTED him to go and didn't nag him at all. THEN formulate how you can get your reciprocate. By being so nice to him, you don't have to feel the least bit bad taking time off to do something for yourself. I know it's hard to get away and you are somewhat trapped, but make the effort and have him watch the kids. Even if it's just a manicure. Pump and save some milk and get out and do something for yourself! It IS possible and will be good for your marriage. It is so easy to build resentment against each other when we are bogged down with babies but it is a bad place to go in a relationship. Keeping things good and loving between the two of you is the best thing you can do for your kids.
It is so so hard to lose our freedom. Men get it easy, they have no idea. But it's not their fault that they don't have to breastfeed and aren't stuck to the level we are. It is our own responsibility to take care of what it is that we need from life to thrive. If you figure out what it is you need, I'm sure your husband will be more than happy to help you get what you need (watch the kids, help you plan, etc.) Instead of spending your energy building resentment towards him, spend it building excitement for your next adventure. For example, pick an activity (going to the spa for a weekend, or you should go to Vegas!), pick a date, and start getting excited about it. Work towards it and think about it whenever you are bogged down.
This baby thing is super hard. I have a six month old. It's hard to keep the marriage fresh. My husband golfs occationally and then has the audacity to complain about not having any time to himself. Sometimes I want to strangle him, because do you think I get out and golf?? The thing is, he is making the effort to do the thing that makes him happy and we are not. Just staying home and hating him doesn't accomplish anything. Instead, what I started saying was, "Have fun honey! I'm going golfing in two weeks so put it on your calendar so you can watch the baby!" Then we both get what we want, we are happy with each other, happy with our union, and are creating a positive environment for the baby rather than one filled with bad feelings and resentment. GOOD LUCK! You'll get through this!
M.A. answers from Las Vegas on June 02, 2008
I totally agree with the girls. You two need a sit down chat before he takes off to the party. I'm sure he will understand. I get really upset sometimes too when my husband calls up the guys and they go on a bike ride and he didn't even ask me if I wanted to go with and then I'm home watching the kid. I understand he needs his guy time so then I make sure to tell him I'm planning on hanging out with my friends on this date. But we work it out just fine.
As far as not being happy about the strip club I wouldn't worry about that unless you have a reason not to trust him. It's not like he lives at the place. When my brother came out here for his bachelor party, my husband was asked to go. My husband just look at me and I said "That's fine but don't spend your whole paycheck!" lol My brother's friends were shocked that I was cool with it. Their wives and girlfriends were livid that they were going. I told them I know who he is coming home to and I am his wife not his mother! LOL Just wanted to share that with you, I always think its a funny story.
J.D. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Re the bachelor party, sounds like you trust your husband so just let him go and don't give it a second thought. Putting caveats on someone "don't dp this etc" is toxic.
More importantly, you! I'd get someone weekly on a fixed basis, so that you can have a bit of time to yourself. In my experience you're better off doing 2 half days (10-2) than one full day. You don't have to wait until your kids are older to have some free time. You an pump so that the baby has some milk and your older child will be just fine. It's crucial that you maintain a sense of yourself, and anger is going to eat you up.
I've been married for 20 years, and I have 3 kids. To maintian your relationship I'd suggest you institute date night. Weekly, my husband and I go out for dinner. It's really important that you have some quiet time together to remember why you got married in the first place.
N.T. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I am mostly just repeating some advice here, and although I have only 1, I have been there! I would strongly recommend having a friend or relative come and hang out with you, even if they can't stay the night. I found just having someone there to give you a hand if you need it is enormously helpful.
Generally I wouldn't sweat the strip club bachelor party, though I agree that "friend of a friend" is a little odd. Hmm, I guess no advice here. But if you trust him, it should be OK.
As for feeling trapped, I started pumping almost immediately so my husband could give the baby a bottle here and there. At one month, the occasional bottle will not "confuse" her. And if you wait too long, she might decide the bottle is not for her at all. Of course, it is entirely up to you to do what works for your family.
I also hired a "nanny" that comes twice a week. Most often I stay at home and take a nap or run errands ALONE, but I do occasionally indulge in a haircut or whatever else. I am using a college student studying early childhood ed, and found her on nannies4hire.com, you could also contact Glendale Community College, or really any college's ed department to see if it's OK to post an ad. I remember my college having a job board right outside the finacial aid office... Now, if $$ is an issue, you could try a high school and maybe get a responsible teen to come help out for a few hours after school - slightly cheaper! Another possibility that I am considering when #2 is here, is having baby #1 spend a couple half days at a daycare. Again, it may be cost restrictive, but your sanity is worth it!
Finally, (and I am really bad at this,) you have to ask for what you need! Your needs are just as important as your husband's. Seriously. Believe it!
Good luck! You're not alone!
J.W. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
M., your feelings are easy to understand, but feelings don't make a marriage work. You are not too worried about him going, you are jealous of his freedom.
I would not be happy about my husband going to a strip bar AT ALL. No matter how much I trusted him! But the problem seems to be that you have made mommy decisions and want to bind him with them also. You can't so he shouldn't. Did he promise to stay home with you while you nursed? If he did and he is breaking those promises then you have reason to feel this way. If he didn't and you are putting yourself on him then you need to lay back. Does he ignore your needs on a regular basis and this is the final straw? Find a way to make the weekend better for you. Can you have a gfriend over? Decide if you are being selfish or not (you can go on feeling that way if you want, no one can stop your feelings) but don't make your spouse pay a price for something he didn't buy into. Are you going to make life icky when he gets back? Will you remember this to bring it up later?
Make the weekend a total down time. Lay on the floor on a blanket and watch movies all day. Order in your favorite food and hang out in your scruffies. I have been married for quite a few years and sometimes I put a sock in it and find a way of getting rid of the bad feelings. Give yourself to your baby until you are ready to stop nursing and then LOOK OUT WORLD!!!
J.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 02, 2008
You know,I think what would bother me about this little trip,is that number one,its not like he's having to go because its an aquantance or A close friend of his. Its A friend of a friend having this party. He probably hasn't even met this guy! So why the urgency to go? Why don't they just celebrate the fact its the month of June,or better yet,how about throwing a party because its a full moon? Number two.Was having those two babies,entirely your idea? Those children,are very young,and you rely on his help in caring for them,and giving you a little break at the end of the day. I don't blame you for being upset.You depend on him,and his choosing to leave you without help,is a bit selfish.Why should all the responsibility fall solely on you? I guess,what I would ask your husband is (If the shoe was on the other foot, and I asked you to take care of the babies for a whole weekend by yourself, while I took off with the girls for a bachelorett party,would you be as gracious and willing as you expect me to be? His answer,should help you decide,wether your going to be tolerant of his lack of fairness,or prepare for (Your own WEEKEND ESCAPE).The very best to you M.
A.T. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
he needs to know you feel that way.
B.M. answers from San Francisco on June 03, 2008
Wow- this would really bother me as well. If it was his best friend, I might understand and be okay- but this "friend of a friend" business would not sit well.
I think you've gotten some good advice and I will only say that I would definitely tell him that if he does this you get a weekend as soon as you have enough breast milk stored up- so within a month or two. If he says no, then I would nix the vegas trip. I know it's sounds harsh but newborns are so hard! Add that to a little 2 year old running around? I guess for me, it would also bug me on some level that he would even want to leave for a full weekend....the baby is so tiny and needy now. Maybe this is bugging you as well.
Oh- also, definitely start scheduling times like nail appts for yourself and do it regularly. Just try to do something for yourself every day or two. I know it seems hard (and terribly inconvenient) and I had to force myself, but it made a big difference in my mood. Happy Mom = Happy Family.
S.R. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
M. - two things come to my mind:
1. It doesn't seem fair to tell him he can't go have fun because you never get to go have fun. I completely understand where you're coming from (I'd feel the same way, even), but I don't think arguing that "I'm miserable so you should be miserable too" is logical. (Now - if that's not how you feel and I misinterpreted... go ahead and ignore me!)
2. Insisting on going to a friend's friend's bachelor party sounds like he feels trapped with a newborn too and is grasping at straws to get away. Maybe you can talk this through calmly (without accusing each other) and get grandma to come take care of your big girl and take the baby along on a date (or leave baby with grandma as well or whatever other solution you work out). Try to carve out an hour or two to reconnect with each other.
Perhaps you can plan going on a trip as a family (in a few weeks). Take a trusted family member along for extra help or something...
Try not to hold on to your anger (easier said than done), it'll only turn into bitterness.
Hang in there, mama!
T.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
So your a stay at home mom, meaning you don't work ? lets assume this, your hubby works full time, he takes care of you and the babies, as much as he can, he gets up every day goes to work comes home, ok all is good, so your stuck at home, which your not alone moms usually are, if he was breat feeding it would be the other way around, so if your staying home because of breat feeding, then pump your milk plan a night out with your self or friends give hubby notice your going our , and go. But if your going to complain about him getting some fun time, aww its complaining he needs his space to, and it helps the marriage , why should both of you be homies, and crabby.. Use this for your own favor, he goes for his weekend away, and next time its your turn. He is to stay home the next weekend why you get out for some fun time, after all we all need some time for our selfs, moms & dads.
Don't be mad get glad..
L.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I read your message and I totally hear what you're saying... having a newborn is hard work, and especially when you're chasing arouind a 2 year old also. But, I think you truly have 2 separate issues going on: the first being the bachelor party and the second being no time for yourself.
I am not a big fan of bachelor parties and I too would not be thrilled if my husband went. I actually would probably make such a big stink that he wouldn't even go. But, I am trying to change this about myself because I married a good man, not a cheater. So maybe you are feeling low because of the new baby, hormones, sleep deprivation, etc. But trust that you chose a good man and let him go have some fun.
As for your understandable need for time, just be honest with your husband. Tell him that the following weekend you'd like to go get a pedicure, come home and nurse, then hit a matinee of Sex and the City (by youtself or with a girlfriend). I learned that asking was all it took, and my husband was happy to nap with my daughter.
K.T. answers from Los Angeles on June 02, 2008
Aww... you sound kind of like me! My 2 girls are now 2 & 4. I totally feel your pain! It is so hard to feel couped up in the house and never get a break. I feel as though your conflict really has nothing to do with the fact that it's a bachelor party, but more of a freedom issue. Do you have anyone that could come stay with you for that weekend? Maybe you could invite a girl friend or relative over to help you with the girls.
Are you upset that he wants to go and leave you? Like he should just say, "hey I can't go, I have a wife home with 2 babies"?? I think that would be more my issue..but guys don't think that way.
Maybe you could let him go (if you could get some help) and then make sure he makes it up to you! Getting up more often with the kids, getting your nails done, etc.
Good luck. I know it's hard. But it will get easier!
M.J. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
M., I don't know that I can be very helpful, but I just want to validate your feelings. I feel your pain - I'm at home with a baby about to be 12 weeks old, and as a first-time mom I NOW know how much work a newborn can be.
Maybe if you take the approach, "honey, I appreciate that you want some boy time but I really need your help with the newborn. If the baby was older, this wouldn't be so difficult on me."
L.A. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I know how you feel, especially the resentful... we can't even vaccuum the house alone, much less get nails done... BUT YOUR HUBBY WILL BE A BETTER HUSBAND AND LOVER IF HE GETS A BREAK TOO< HE'S THE ONE WORKING SO YOU CAN STAY HOME AND RAISE YOUR KIDS YOURSELF AND NOT SEND THEM TO SOME DAYCARE... Let him have his weekend, then HE can treat YOU to some loving... H'ell be in a better mood with some freedom and relaxation and you want a happy marriage for your kdis.
A.B. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Wow! Our lives are parallel... I too have been married for 3 years, have a 7 year old, 2 year old & 1 month old!
I completely understand where your coming from. I am a stay at home mom, and feel "trapped" in my 4 walls.
Although my husband & are completely loyal & in love w/each other, I do resent him many times because of his "freedom". His job is a lot about entertaining clients, so he often goes to Laker games & nice steak dinners, while I'm stuck at home changing diapers and eating mac & cheese.
Although we're still working thru our struggles, I can say that just being completely open & honest (without anger) has been helpful.
Althoug it's hard because your breastfeeding, try planning some time for yourself, out of the house, and get his commitment to stay home with the kids. He'll appreciate you a little more after that eventful day!
A.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Good Morning....If You start a big argument and tell him he CAN'T GO, he's gonna be very upset . Men don't want to be or have the feeling they are being CONTROLLED.....
Think about what you wrote. Sometimes you have to give to get...Make a deal.. Say "Sweetie, go, have fun, but when you get back, I get to go for a spa getaway". Its a great compromise and he will gladly agree....
Your not STUCK at home, you made a choice, now start to communicate, work out time off for each of you and all will be good.......
T.G. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I have the same feelings. My husband is also going away to Vegas this weekend for his friend's birthday party and I'm stuck at home with our three little children...a 6yr old, 3yr old and 1mo old. He gets to go out and have his plans with his buddies whenever and I'm always with the kids no matter where I go. Sometimes I get very resentful. How about inviting me to some outings or make plans to go places with me? Or doing more with the kids so I can get a breather once in a while? It's just not good for a marriage to be having bad feelings like this. It has occurred to me that maybe I should just set up babysitting for whatever it is I want to do. If he doesn't want to plan that night out, then I will. If I want to get out by myself and he's not around, then babysitter. And maybe he'll get that it's way too expensive to ignore my needs...and the children's needs.
A.T. answers from Honolulu on June 03, 2008
well,ive never been married,so i wouldnt know for sure,but i have been together with my boyfriend (and my daughters father) for 3 years now.i can relate to how you feel completely,as he has his own productions company,and does shows,concerts and parties frequently.so he can go out al night,drink,have fun,listen to loud music...and i am home with the baby,alone. and often when hes not here,she gets extra fussy,wont go to bed till 11pm...and im supposed to be happy for him and supportive of what he does....and he does it for fun,he also works during the day.and because i am lucky enough to be a SAHM,because he does work really hard to make it possible for me to do this,i feel like i should let him go off and do his own thing.but it is hard to also not have time to yourself. it is important to set up one day or evening,at the very least once a month,where you have an hour or two or three (depending on how often the baby nurses) to go out with friends...for coffee,to see a movie,the get some shopping done...things just for you.now that my daughter is 18months,even though im still nursing,at least once a month i go out with my sister to a club,a bar,or a movie...something fun to remind me that im an adult too...and to have me time and not just me as a mommy time.
it is very important to your sanity and to your relationship...resentment now can cause problems later...ive seen this even though ive never been married.
i wish you luck,and congrats on your beautiful children.its a pleasure,a joy and the most work anyone can ever do.its our job,our life,our pride and joy,and the most frustrating and strenuous thing to be a mom.but it is by far the greatest achievement anyone could hope for.
best of luck to you!
M.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Do you have a friend or family member that can spend the night with you? My husband went on a bachelor party a few weeks after we brought our son home from the hospital. My mom came and spent the weekend with me which really helped. I totally understand the trapped with a newborn feeling. Also, my husband agreed to only go for 2 days instead of 3 which I thought was a good compromise.
D.H. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
You won't be married for 4 years if you act like this one time trip for a weekend is why you feel so TRAPPED!!
Find some other Moms in a church group, or community group like MOPS, or ask friends or neighbors if they know any one your age/or in the same situation that would like to meet at a park, go for walks, or community classes that help you learn about child development.
Find someone that can become a trusted person to watch your kids for the hour or two you desparately need. You will be a better parent and your kids will survive without you for that time.
Ask your husband if he could plan to give you the time for the next weekend (maybe before the wedding) for you to get away. No child even a one month old needs to have Mom there constantly. Pump some milk, so he (Daddy) has a chance at survival and GO!!!!
You need a break and believe me I know, even though my kids are 18yrs. and 16 yrs, same time frame as you, I remember. Don't think you are the only one, and I bet you will find some awesome friends in the same boat and relief and sanity will prevail. You can do this!! D.
J.W. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Hi M. :)
Just talk to him! Tell him how you feel. He is the other part of the equation so although these children did not grow in his body, his responsibility and understanding and caring are just as equal. Have no guilt about the feelings you hold or that you are not supportive of him going! It's not the best time now. That's it. I'm sure he'll understand that- I HOPE he will. Your feelings are valid- every one of them. You still could use some support and it would be nice if he were around to give it to you rather than at a strip club. Sorry- I wouldn't go for that anyway, but especially now YOUR NEEDS COME FIRST!!!
S.S. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
Oh M., I know how that feels! The fact is if you are breastfeeding a tiny baby nothing will take away the 24/7 commitment you made, no matter where your husband is. Let him go, it sounds like you don't really have any problem with him going actually, it's just unfair to you. But denying him things out of "fairness" is unfair to him. He is not blind and he will know what a great sacrifice you are making. Let him make it up to you and get him to do all the shopping and cooking the weekend after. Ask him for a massage and all kinds of little compensation treats. You can have your weekend away after you stop breastfeeding. Right now you're stuck with your own decision, don't blame your husband. I had this issue a lot with my then-boyfriend, as he was a dj in nightclubs when I had my baby. He really pushed his luck, saying once a week isn't all that much to stay out all night. For me it was the most disrespectful insult and totally irresponsible. I say this to you to contrast our situations, obviously your husband is much better about it than mine was, so be grateful it is the exception and not the rule. Be grateful he is not a dj. And don't forget the emotional strain you are under from lack of sleep and hormones. Try not to over react. And if you prepare yurself to spend a weekend alone with the kids, you will manage to get by. Invite some people over to help or plan something fun for indoors, just remember lots of women have to get by alone all of the time. I do it now. You'll be fine. Good luck!
K.K. answers from Honolulu on June 03, 2008
You are in a tough spot with trying to keep your husband happy and also keep yourself happy. But, I would be very honest with your husband and tell him how you feel about the weekend because if you just let him go and pretend you're ok with it then he comes home and you won't talk to him for a week or 2, that won't be fair to him. Just tell him off the bat, I don't think you should go, it's not appropriate for a married man to go to a strip bar even if it is a group event. And these are his children too, you're not just a babysitter, you are his wife and you need to work together as a team. Don't let yourself feel like you are alone in this, you are just pulling most of the weight when it comes to the children. But, just sit down with him and tell him what you think of the trip and you'd rather have him stay but if he wants to go out for a guys night when they get back that would be fine with you.
P.K. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
I can absolutely relate. My husband left to Vegas for a weekend just after I had knee surgery. Crutches and 3 kids really don't mix well. In any case he didn't have a problem going because he views me as a strong woman that can deal with most anything.
It sounds like you have a good trusting marriage and your husband trusts you to take care of everything while he's away. He may not understand how trapped you feel. I would suggest some negotiation. If he wants to go to Vegas then you get something you want in return...some alone time to get your hair/nails done, run errands, whatever you feel like you need to be okay with him leaving for that time. Ask for what you want so that you don't resent him...you also don't want him to resent you for not allowing him what he wants.
In the mean time, enjoy being "trapped":)...they grow up so fast.
S.F. answers from Reno on June 03, 2008
I had a most interesting thought...just popped into my head as I read your note. How about bringing the day off home? Would grandma (or other friend) be willing to spend the day with you to be "mom" (except nursing), while you have a quiet day for yourself? You could take a bubble bath, read a book, go for a walk, work in the yard (ok...that may not be fun), maybe run a quick errand or two, all punctuated by nursing?
Otherwise, hang in there. Start planning your post-nursing getaway with a girlfriend!
S.F. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
If he gets a weekend, you get a weekend. And yes, you can breastfeed and handle this.
Get a breast pump, if you don't already have one. (It's a good idea to pump anyway, to get a supply in the freezer, in case of emergency. Get the book "So That's What They're For" -- it's a GREAT, easy-to-read, humorous guide to breast feeding that I found REALLY helpful, even though I had already breastfed a child.)
Anyway, if you pump ahead of time, there'll be enough for your spouse to feed the baby (you can offer a bottle after 6-8 weeks and not worry about "nipple confusion"). Keep pumping while you're away on YOUR weekend (either to save for the baby when you get home, or dump). That way you keep your supply up. If you want to drink while out with the girls, then just dump your milk and no worries.
EVERYONE needs some time away, and what's good for the goose etc. Schedule it for next month some time and have fun.
T.I. answers from San Diego on June 03, 2008
Maybe you could focus on the positives in your life – the new baby and 2-year old that you have and it sounds like you are a stay at home mom, so you can be grateful you are lucky enough to spend all that time with your babies. Moms will always sacrifice. That is the cross we bear and we should do it proudly. If you are truly needing to get away, then get a pump, pump some milk and get sister, mom, aunt, etc., to come watch the kids for a few hours or even overnight while you get away. You are a mom and by nature you do have to stay with the kids all the time. That’s your role and your job. If you aren’t happy with that, then you need to figure out why (try focusing on positive and getting a break like I already said). Your husband is probably stressed too, especially if you are so unhappy. I wouldn’t resent him – why should he be blamed and/or held hostage by the obligations of motherhood that you chose to make? You will only hurt your marriage, which right now you really need to be strong. Let him go and be happy for him. He’ll appreciate the guilt free trip and probably would be willing to do something for you to let you have some space. Give to each other, don’t try to take away something from him b/c you can’t have it. That’s selfish and will suck the life out of your marriage.
J.P. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I can understand the way you feel, and my husbadn and I encountered the same thing. I told him that I really didn't want him to go, since I needed the help, but if he really wanted to go, I understood and that 1 night wouldn't bother me. He ended up not going.
This whole thing has nothing to do with your husband leaving, but more that you get no time for yourself. What if he goes and you plan a day at the spa for a month out or whenever you feel you can get away. Plan a weekly 1 hour massage and have him take the baby - pump, just in case, so you don't have to worry.
S.G. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
I can totally understand what you are feeling and want to tell you straight up, that it doesn't get any easier even as they get older. (My children are 4 and 1.) There are always some attachment issues, especially while you're nursing, that seem to come up where mom is playing the 90% role in taking care of the kids, while dad plays the 10% role, always having the freedom that he doesn't need to 'ask' if he can go 'play'. I've found that the only way I don't get resentful and feel jealous or very unhappy in the same sort of situation (because you have to give your husband his freedom or he will start feeling resentful right back at 'ya) is to to make my own plans and ask him to watch the kids for those short 2 hour trips of my own. Be it a weekday night after work or a Saturday afternoon or a Sunday evening! So I can go shopping alone, or get my nails done, or go out for coffee with a few friends. Or just run errands without dealing with two carseats! It has been hard for me to swallow at times because it can seem so unfair (and I know many moms will disagree with me because they have different types of husbands who maybe play a larger role in the caregiving itself). But we mothers just have to accept that in these early years especially, we ARE tied to the kids so much more than the average father is, but that the benefits of squeezing in just a little bit of time for ourselves not only makes us feel connected to the outside, adult world again (invaluable!) but also makes dad realize just what we do at home! Which could be even more invaluable if that's possible! So he knows how much we do when he gets to shimmy off to Vegas for a weekend! So bargain with him and schedule in two or three of those little trips or nights out for yourself before he goes away or after he gets back, having him watch the kids, and go ahead let him take the trip to Vegas with no guilt. Fathers need to let loose now and then too; they come home missing you and the kids and eager to get back to being a dedicated father and husband after these sorts of trips. A(And I agree you're right not to worry about the activities he and his fellow bachelor party friends are engaging in. It sounds like trust is not an issue and you have no hangups about the other stuff and I applaud that. I feel the same way. Let men be men. They're not all out there ruining their relationships every time they go to Vegas.) So it can really do you both a lot of good and cut the resentment out completely. Good luck to you. Sounds like you both deserve a little break:)
One more idea: plan a little get together with a friend (preferably who has a 2 year old so it's a playdate for your older daughter and you can get some time to chat with her mom, as long as everyone is healthy of course since your baby is so young) on the weekend he's gone so you have something to look forward to also. Have her bring a movie and make some snacks and have your own stay-in girls night. Make it a Disney movie and feel like mom of the year: so confident her husband gets to go away and play! So well organized, her daughter gets to have a movie night with her buddy and the moms! You will start to be the envy of all of your husbands' friends b/c he has a wife who lets him 'out' and who still enjoys her own time and the perks of motherhood.
H.L. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
A friend of a friend's bachelor party seems a little too distant for me. Bachelor parties in general are not good ideas especially if strip clubs are involved. You are his wife and he should be concerned with your feelings. If he needs a day out, can't he go golfing with his friends or to a concert? He sounds insensitive and since he's almost forty a little immature. Sorry but those are just my thoughts. Good luck and I hope you get some time for yourself.
D.F. answers from Los Angeles on June 03, 2008
It seems insensitive and unsupportive to take off on a boys weekend during this life changing time. IT is really not about trust, or controlling him. IT IS MORE about your needs as a family, TODAY. Strip club?
HE must be out of his mind thinking that a ONE month post partum nursing mom would be ok with that???I would put the foot down on this one, NO it is not appropritate at this time( not saying not ever, just not right now), and it is not even a BEST friend.