94 answers

Thoughts About Bachelor Party

Hello everyone-
My 39year old husband is insisting on going to a friend of a friend's (although he was at our wedding) bachelor party in Vegas.
Normally I wouldn't really care- I trust him completely. I know he's not there to cheat, not a huge gambler, doesn't really drink - but there will be a trip to the strip bar (not really happy about this- but it's a group thing- seems safe).

This is my problem... I have a 2 year old and a newborn (born in May) and I feel like I am totally stuck in the house. I don't think it's fair that he is able to go out with his friends (in Vegas) for a weekend when I am TRAPPED at home. (He also travels for work 2-4 days a week). There's no possible way for me to go out for more than 1-2 hours (I am also nursing so I am a true 24/7 mom).
Basically I miss some of my freedom. Just being able to have some me time, running errands alone, getting nails or hair done seems like a dream. I know it's not forever (I can leave kids with gma once they get older), but I am really unhappy and angry, and resentful that he can just take off whenever he feels the urge.
Need advice on how to handle life.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE ADVICE! I really needed an outlet! It's nice to get the input from those who have been there, also nice to know that others are sharing my pain.

My husband is going to have my blessing to go to the Vegas weekend bachelor party. No I wouldn't be going with him (I wouldn't want to be the only nagging wife tagging along).
I am planning to get out with some friends this weekend. I will look at a nice girl trip in the not-so-near future, maybe even Vegas.

Thanks Ladies!

Featured Answers

I personally don't agree at all, but why don't you go with him and be there in the hotel waiting for him when it is over?
Maybe he will feel the need to be on his best behavior knowing you will be there.

More Answers

Bachelor Party in Vegas!
I would not be comfortable with just that idea at all.
My thoughts are why would a married man be so anxious to be involved in something like that in the first place.
Why would he not be more interested in staying at home with his family. I do not care for the idea of men having bachelor parties in the first place. I wouldn't even be with a man who would entertain the idea of having a bachelor party before marrying me. Nothing good comes from those kind of smut parties, I don't care how much you trust your husband! Even if he doesn't participate in the immoral activities, remember the eyes are the window to the soul and he will be opening himself up all kinds of inappropriate behavior that will be stuck in his mind for the rest of his life. I don't feel you are wrong in the way you are feeling, in fact your husband is being very inconsiderate and disrespectful by his desire to attend such an event for the whole weekend. Sounds a little selfish to me, and I don't think you have to give in to his selfish desires so you can have a husband. As the other reader suggested you won't have a husband much longer if you deny him this weekend. But look at how much you are being denied! I wouldn't even want a man who treated me in this way! I think you should stand up for what is fair and good.
Can I ask you why you don't have a problem with your husband going to a strip joint? Do you really know what goes on in those kinds of places? I still have a problem with a married man going to a strip joint, why does he need that kind of pornogrphic stimulation when he has a wife at home, who obviously meets his needs! (3 kids).
So if he still insists on going, tell him the next weekend he stays homes with the kids and you take off with the girls and go to a strip joint! Get in writing too! Make him stick to it and see how he likes them apples. Hope you can come to some type of resolution with your husband about this. God Bless You!

2 moms found this helpful

M.,

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Not only do you have a 2 year old but you have a brand new baby, besides caring for your two very young kids, your probably a little more emmotional now than you will be in 6mos or so.. (at least I was). I don't think this has anything to do with the bachelor party. If it were me, heck yea, I'd let hubby go. Even with a newborn at home. But, if it bothered me, I'd speak up. Men and woman think so differently, he can't even start to imagine how you are feeling. If he goes and you say nothing - you will be resentful. If you "make" him stay home, he will be resentful. You guys have to talk about this. Let him go but work out a deal to get you some time off. Even with a nursing baby, you can take an hour or so to get your nails done, get your hair done, go to the bookstore, etc.. You just need to tell your husband what YOU need to be the best wife and Mom that you can. I joined Stroller Strides after my second child was born and I felt SO guilty that I was spending 50 bucks a month to workout. Ended up being the best 50 bucks a month I could have spent. I get out in the fresh air with my kids almost everyday. I get an incredible workout which gives me that "workout high" for the rest of the day, my kids get to play at the park after our workout and I get to chat with other Mommies so when hubby comes home I'm not gabbing away. Not that he minds, but I can really get going when I start talking! LOL. Maybe you could do something like this for you? If not Stroller Strides, at least find yourself a Mommy group so you can get out on a regular basis. I nursed both of my kids 24/7 and I know firsthand how hard it can be to do something for yourself but you just have to. It isn't selfish, you deserve it.

Please, talk to your husband about this up and coming party. Mom's and Dad's roles are so different, but they need a break too. My husband is gone a lot for work, we pretty much only get him on the weekends and I still encourage him to do stuff for himself (motorcycle ride, round of golf, boat/auto shows, etc..) and he in turn, watches OUR kids when I want to do something.

Hang in there!
M.

1 mom found this helpful

Why don't you make it a mini family vacation. You guys could all hang out together in the day time and at night as you put the kids to bed you can relax with a book or movie and he can go out and join his friends???? I am sure there could be a great compromise there.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

don't fret momma you are not alone. Let your man go they need the time away as long as when he comes home he is attentive and involved. then when the baby takes a bottle or cereal start taking the time for yourself. it is good for you and the family. start with a trip to the salon then the next month go for a 1/2 day out with the girls shopping or to the spa. then go for an overnighter with some friends at a local casino/race track/beach, or whatever is exciting in your town. then the next time go for a weekend. I am up to 5 days at my girlfriends house who happens to live in vegas. I have 3 girls and I was taking the youngest with me because I too nursed for 12 months(she never took a bottle!)and my friend has a son her same age. My husband tried to make excuses and complain and make me feel guilty but I put up my hand and told him to talk to it because I was not a house slave and I need time away just like him, he would always say how is he going to work and take care of the kids while I'm gone but I have always worked it out so I could go. I am sooooooooo glad I did. I don't feel bad for those mom's stuck at home because you make your own life. so live it how you want!

1 mom found this helpful

This might sound harsh--sorry. But your husband is acting like a college kid w/ no responsibility (family). Thirty-nine? I don't think it's a surprise to you that he'd opt to do something like this...and it's not even a GOOD FRIEND he's willing to sacrifice family for?? It's a FRIEND of A FRIEND. What a slap in the face.
As far as your freedom--you're right about the fact that G'ma can take 'em later, but since they're here, you belong to them. Nails have no priority and it's just a season. That will all happen again in due time. I appreciate your breastfeeding, that's the best for your child.
I picked a man who would never even think of doing what your husband is going to--why didn't you do that too? You can't change how he thinks now...you just are going to live with it, I'm afraid. "Dealing" with it means just that. I'm so sorry. I'll pray he changes his mind. I wonder how'd he feel if his girls were dancing in Vegas and oggled at, or worse, by Vegas Bachelor Party-goers. Ewe.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband just went to a bachelor party for his best friend...now I wasn't too thrilled about it in the first place but if it had been for "a friend of a friend" I would have said NO WAY! At this age, men don't need to be going to a bunch of bachelor parties in Vegas, with strippers, etc. I think it is totally innappropriate!
On top of that you have two small children which is all the more reason that it's not the time for him to take off for a weekend like that. He needs to understand your feelings so talk to him about all of this.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M..
Just my thoughts and opinion here.(read this like I'm pleading with you) I would have been the same way you are right now, and being totally fine with it. I actually was there about five years ago. A childhood friend my husband hadn't seen in many many years came to visit. They wanted to do road trip to Vegas. I was completely fine with it. Our daughter was about 5 then. I had total trust in my husband, we were madly in love. He wasn't that guy who would cheat and everyone thought that. Two weeks later my husband confessed to cheating on me in Vegas with some stranger they had met in the casino. I now can't stand Las Vegas and what it stands for. It is Sin City and there is no good that comes out of a husband going there without his wife or family. It's a place for singles, or couples not married men. I don't want to scare you or say that your husband is the same or could be. That was just my situation. But just so your aware that it does happen. And the group thing, I don't think means "safe". My husband and "friend" were in the same room. They have no shame. My husband was not a drinker either but was drinking that night and says he was drunk. Just be careful, I would hate for this to happen to anyone, it's an awful thing to deal with. The temptation is there and he may think he can withstand it but sometimes they just can't even though they love you more than the world, especially when drinking is involved. There judgment is clouded and they can't make sound decisions when there like that. He might take it as you don't trust him, and I'm sure he's trustworthy, but it's a respect thing. I'm wondering how he would feel if you were to go to Vegas with girlfriends and you went to a male strip club (if they even have any) but you know what I mean. Over there it's not just girls being topless and dancing around. They want money and do anything on the side to get it. If it was like his brother or something and family was going like father or brothers then maybe, but with friends of a friend, it just sounds fishy to me. You don't just leave your wife and newborn for someone you hardly know. I'm telling you, that wedding ring on there finger is so attractive to women. It doesn't deter them it makes them want to conquer. They think they are so great if they can get a married man to be with them. It's all a game and women just don't stick together anymore. Just be careful and I hope everything turns out okay. Good luck to you.....

1 mom found this helpful

Hey M.,
I hope you understand that this is not just a matter of whether or not you are going to let him go or not, you don't have that kind of power. It is a matter of RESPECT! You can not make him stay home, however, you have a responsibility to let him know how you feel. And there is a huge difference between a STRIP BAR and a pedicure! There is a huge time difference, opportunity difference, etc. There are no girating men at a nail salon. I think the whole thing is disrespectful. Free time for both of the spouces needs to respect the others feelings. And NEVER appologize for your feelings. Don't let them control you, but acknowledge them and decide what to do with them. You have choices. Set your boundaries and enforce them. You don't have to buy into what the world says we should be comfortable with, ask yourself what you are comfortable with, and be honest with yourself. Always take into consideration your spouces real needs, and your own as well. Respect yourself. You are the only one you can control. If he decides not to go because you are not comfortable with him doing something like this, and later resents you for it, that is HIS PROBLEM. Your responsibility is to let him know how you feel, you are not responsible for the results of his decision. And having children, a husband, home, etc, IS having a life, a wonderful life. I hope you receive this in the spirit with which it is given.
God bless you M., and give you wisdom,
V.

1 mom found this helpful

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