Third-grader Won't Get Dressed in the Morning or Do Chores

Updated on October 09, 2006
K.C. asks from Phoenix, AZ
15 answers

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He's doing much better.

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T.E.

answers from San Antonio on

I am in the same boat with my third grade daughter. I've had some success by taking away TV and visiting friends until she cleans up her room. I also have made her go to bed 15 minutes early for each morning that she doesn't get ready on time.

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C.K.

answers from Tucson on

I hope this helps: I would dress him in his clothes (that he'll wear the next day) when he goes to bed. That way, he wakes up dressed. If he protests about wanting to wear pajamas, then he'll have to prove he can dress himself in the morning for a week straight in order to get that privilege, or else he has to wear day-clothes to bed.

WHEN he's ready to cooperate, lay out his clothes for the day so he knows what to expect. Maybe he can help pick them out? A chore chart with rewards for completing a day/weeks worth w/o asking/complaining might work too.

Chores can be done at night before bed so morning aren't filled with battles which can start the day off badly.

I have four kids (7 and under) and these things have helped me....as does making their breakfasts and lunches at night, so mornings go more smoothly ;)

Best of luck!

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F.W.

answers from Albuquerque on

OOh i know what you are saying comletely. I have a 7 year old that ha sthe same problem and it makes mornings miserable. I actually changed my sons bedtime to an ealier time and i also get him up before anyone else. He hated the early bedtime and i told him if he didnt want to get up in the mornings then he must need more sleep. It actually worked. We havent had alot of issues out of him since we started it. And as for chores both my 6 and 7 year old have chores they have to do each day and they are not allowed to have their afterschool snack and get to play till their chores are done and their homework is done. Before bed about 20 minutes i make them do thier evening chores and then they get their drink before bed. If they dont do their chores they go to bed thirsty. It actually works really well and i have alot more help around the house. Churchis th eonly day that they drag real bad ....

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L.K.

answers from Phoenix on

Hi Karin,

Do you have a job/chore chart? I found one at Target while getting school supplies this fall. It is a tear pad with 4 sections - Taking Care of Myself, Taking Care of My Room, Helping Around the House, and Other Things I Need to DO. It is set up as a weekly chart - Sunday through Saturday with boxes for each day. It comes with stickers. Every time a chore is done they get a sticker for that day. If they get a certain number of stickers, they get a "privilege" or money/coins/allowance. My kids love it, especially my son.

With getting dressed in the morning, what about trying to have your son get his clothes out the night before?

Hope this helps.

L.

About me: Married mom of 8 yr old girl, 5 yr old boy.

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S.H.

answers from Phoenix on

My daughters use to spend the mornings fighting with me to get ready for school. I hated mornings too. I made a chore chart and a "Being Good Jar" Everytime they did a chore I let them put a smiling face on the box for that chore on that day. If they got the chart full for the week I would take them out for Ice cream or let them camp out in their rooms and stay up late on that weekend. And everytime they would do what I ask the first time or if I caught them being nice to each other I would put some change in their being good jar, when it gets half full (its a big jar) they get to decide together on what to do with it. I hear though charts work better on girls than boys. I guess I will find out when my baby boy grows up.
Mornings have been alot smoother, still have our problems at times. One thing I would try is the shower, try to do it at night. And if there is something that distracts him in the morning like (in my girls case) the darn t.v. They are not allowed to even look at the T.V untill everything is done and they are ready for school. Good Luck

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K.

answers from Denver on

My five year old son is still pretty good about doing his chores (getting dressed, brushing his teeth, making his bed, feeding the cat, and putting his clothes in the laundry), but we do things a little differently at our house. We take a bath at night, so that is one less thing to take up time in the morning. Then in the morning, he has to do all of his chores and be dressed for school before he gets breakfast. If he is unable to accomplish this then he gets a cup of milk in the car on the way to school. I only tell him what needs to be done one time in the morning. If he is not doing what needs to be done and we are getting ready to leave, then I do the chore and he loses a privilege. For example, if I pick up the dirty clothes (or his toys in the evening) he loses the opportunity to have those clothes washed that week or the toy that I picked up. If he chooses not to brush his teeth, then we brush twice as long when he gets home. If he chooses not to make his bed then he sleeps on the floor that night. If he chooses not to get dressed then he goes to school in his pajamas and loses his recess (because the teacher and I have an agreement that there is no recess for people in their pajamas). If he chooses not to eat breakfast then he goes to school hungry.

The key to making this work is that it has to be his problem, not yours. By getting angry and frustrated with him he has the power over your morning. Take back the power and let him make his own choices. He is old enough to talk to about this. Find out why he is doing this in the morning? Is this an old problem that you think should be fixed since he is in third grade or is this a new problem that has arisen since third grade started? Maybe he is having trouble at school and doesn't know how to tell you. If this has been a problem for awhile and it is not related to school, then expect it to take awhile to fix.

In the past we have made our son (and now our daughter) a pictograph of things they do every day to get ready to start their day and every night before they go to bed. We took pictures of them doing these activities and pasted them on a posterboard. It still hangs in my son's room, so that after I tell him he can refer back to the chart and find out what it is that he is still missing. Don't get me wrong, this has not been easy and it is a challenge almost every day, but I have totally given him control over his morning. We have a rough day every now and then, but overall I don't worry about what he is doing upstairs and he comes down with all of his chores done. If he doesn't do them all and I have reminded him, then I don't have to get angry because it is a choice that he made. He knows how to make good choices and he knows how to make bad choices. The result of the good choices is that he is proud to have accomplished everything and there is praise for that (and allowance at the end of the week!). The result of the bad choices is not that he got to ruin mom's day, but that something that he enjoys will not be happening at the end of his day (and there is no allowance at the end of the week!).

Good luck. Let me know how it goes.

PS You may feel really angry at the beginning, but don't let it show. As time goes by you will realize that you are not pretending to not be angry, but that you really are not angry and he is making the choices that you wanted him to make all along. Sorry this is so long, I just know how frustrated I was by mornings, until I decided to hand the problem over to him and let him have free reign over it. Once it became his problem, then it didn't have to bother me anymore and I was free to have a great time in the morning.

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T.M.

answers from Phoenix on

Hi Karin,

If you haven't tried this yet I would take special things away like:

1) favorite breakfast item
2) favorite snacks
3) video games
4) favorite TV shows
5) extracurricular activity

Make sure he knows that he will earn them back after he shows respect and follows your household rules.

Please keep me posted if you feel like it.

Take care,

T.
www.TheDueDateClub.com

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K.H.

answers from Denver on

Okay my little ones are 21 months so this is an idea.
Make him go to school in his pj's and pack him an outfit, he can go without breakfast 1 day. When he comes home he can go right to his bedroom and stay until he does his chores and can only come out for dinner and then he goes back. I'll bet if you do something drastic and harsh and he doesn't like it, you may end your problem but be consistent if he still fights with you add chores and eventually he will want to come out for something and he will have to do what he must in order to get it. Talk to him about taking pride in himself and his family and that it takes team work to make a family work.

Best of luck!
K.

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C.

answers from Denver on

Parenting with Love and Logic! They give you loving, empathetic but firm ways to handle these types of situations. I swear I often think, "Oh! OF COURSE! Why didn't I think of that?!" www.loveandlogic.com or their books are available at the library or half.com. There is one whole chapter in my book about getting ready for school in the morning. I don't fight with my kids anymore! It's so much fun!

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P.S.

answers from Phoenix on

OMG, I thought I was only one who had this problem! I feel better just knowing that this isn't happening because I'm a failure as a mother. :) My oldest is 8 and in the third grade. She has been in school since she was three (preschool). Shehas to pick out her clothes before she goes to bed and cannot change the outfit in the morning, unless I tell her it's okay (weather reasons. I did discover last yeat that eating breakfast first thing in the morning was better then waiting for her to get dressed, make her bed. So now are schedule is...her alarm goes off at 7:25 am and she has 10 minutes to get up, go to the bathroom and get downstairs to eat. She has till 8am to eat and put her didshes in the dishwasher. Then she has till 8:30 to get dressed,make her bed, brush her teeth, do her hair. At 8:30 she has to come back down stairs to pack her backpack (lunch, homework, water bottle) and we leave for the bus at 8:40. Most mornings I have to get her out of bed because she sleeps through her alarm (so does dad) but I make her do the important stuff first, that way if she plays around then she goes to shool with messy hair. We have check lists for morning and bedtime routines and a check list for her backpack. I put them in page protectes and she uses dry erase markers to check things off. I like the other suggestions of not washing clothes left on the floor or taking the toys away that weren't picked up.
There is a lot of great advice for this post, and I know I feel better knowing that I'm not alone in this battle. What did our mother's do!?!? Thank God for the internet.

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S.W.

answers from Phoenix on

I saw a similar incident on SuperNanny. She had the child go to school in her pajamas and brought the change of clothes in her backpack. That was the last time that happened (although that is TV). Also, have him shower at night instead of mornings.

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C.R.

answers from Denver on

Our middle son has been like this from birth! I got a timer that beeped after I set it, if that particular chore wasn't finished at the beep we would make him go on to the next thing. If his hair or teeth were not brushed he would go to school like that! It has only happened twice! It was hard to stick to because he cried all the way to school saying I don't want to be the stinky boy! I took him to school one time without his socks and shoes on too. I had them with me and gave them to the teacher, he didn't like having to do that at school and his peers aks him why his shoes weren't on. We didn't make a big deal out of it so not to embarass him but it's been very effective . It makes the statement, we will not do these simple tasks for you that we know you are capable of and you have made a choice to go to school this way because you were given plenyt of time.

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A.M.

answers from Tucson on

Dear Karin:

Please if he don't put his toys away, maybe he don't need them, then take all and put it in a garbage bag for one months and show him the calendar, with red.
give him sooooo many choices, all day long. Ask him if he want go to the school with the shoes on or in his back pack, do not clean clothes that isn't in the laundry room.
good luck. A.

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N.C.

answers from Phoenix on

hi karin

I have a nine year old girl. We used to fight every morning. I get my daughter up at 630 am and we have to leave by 745. She gets up, gets dressed, goes to the bathroom, puts on deoderant, and gets her shoes and socks on. She has to do this before 7 am. If she isnt ready by 7 she can not watch her morning show while she eats breakfast. She eats her breakfast during her show, which is only a half hour. This has now put us at 730 and given me time to do what i need to do. Tv off when show is over. She only has to brush her teeth and hair. We get our things and off we go at 745. This usually happens 95% of the time. But that 5 % is still a bear! I dont know if it would work for you but if she likes to watch tv, make sure she has everything ready by the time her show comes on. It takes a few hard no's and to stick with it... But she will get the hint. NOw all i have to do is ask if she did this and did this... She is usually ready to go by 7. Makes the mornings so much easier.

hope it helps

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L.W.

answers from Santa Fe on

I threatened to throw out stuff if they did not pick up. My daughter started butting heads about it. So I asked someone else to come in and throw out her stuff. I told her fine, I have someone else that will do it then. And he did. Now she is not mad at me for doing it and she is picking up. She even wrote him a note thanking him for making her room easier to deal with.
I found the kids accumulated too much stuff, and we have some other losses(death of father, little brother gone with his dad too much for their liking)in my family so thought it best to get a third party, in this respect, to keep from having more stress build up. I have 3 kids and no time free, and jumped on the trade of buying friend dinner for his 3rd party intervention.
As for your schools working on solutions, which appear to be following LOve and Logic principle's, hats off to them.Consider yourselves lucky.

The school my children attend is far less from helpful, and from what I am gathering has no sympathy to single parents, or those with lack of support systems in place. Say they will help, then got me in trouble with authorities for my giving logical consequences( i.e if my son showed up in pajamas..they would report me for neglect). So be careful and ask other parents how friendly your school is to these ideas.

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