Third Baby, Again

"I know that since I can't just make up my mind I should just have another" - What????? If you are not 100% CERTAIN you want another - you should NOT have one. The default option is to stick with your current family. The planet will thank you. Have you considered what you will do if there is trisomy or another anomaly? If you would abort, this would not be an issue for two children But having a special needs child will radically change their (and your) lives. Do you want another child enough to risk that? If you and DH were certain you wanted another, that might be different but it does not sound like you are there right now.

I also disagree with the statement - 'no one regrets having another child'. No one may regret that particular child - but they certainly may regret everything that may come with it - the loss of time with the children they already have, the inability to provide for the ones they have (especially things like college), the upheaval that may come if there are health issues, the additional years they may have to work before retirement, the loss of their ability to travel/enjoy their retirement.

5 moms found this helpful

It sounds like you are in love with the idea of having a baby.

Why not start babysitting for a neighbor or friend with a baby? That way, you get your baby fix and you can give it back at the end of the day.

5 moms found this helpful

Like you said, you just don't want to leave the baby stage!! Also, the default answer to "Should I have another baby"? is NOT always yes.

Your children are young, you haven't even entered some of the greatest stages ever. Too many to list, that's for sure.

I was never sad with one, never tried to duplicate her childhood. I was/am so thankful for the only daughter I have. Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

Get a puppy. Trust me. It will solve many of your longings and issues.

4 moms found this helpful

I will pray that you get your answer-because the decision-either way is a tough one-and , yes, babies are amazing!

4 moms found this helpful

If you're not 100% sure, then don't do it. Listen to your instincts! It sounds like you have weighed the pros and cons, and the cons are greater. I think a lot of people aren't ready to leave the baby stage entirely. I am struggling with sadness over my youngest being 2.5 and almost out of the baby stage, but you can't just keep having babies every time one of them outgrows the baby stage. If you think having a third would be too taxing on your energy level, lifestyle, and finances, then don't do it. Plus, at almost 40 you are at greater risk for chromosomal abnormalities. A special needs baby would really add a ton of stress on the entire family. You'd certainly have no "me time" then, and the kids you already have wouldn't get any attention. It wouldn't be fair to them.

4 moms found this helpful

I'm in a similar situation to you! I have 3 kids--8, 4, & 20 months. I want #4 so badly. I know that right now is NOT the right time for it. But, I am only 29, so I still have plenty of time to see if the timing will ever be in our favor. But, I do have to agree with others. I have been told the same thing--no matter how many kids, now matter your feelings on another, the feeling will always come and go with the desire for another. I almost went thru with a novasure procedure a couple weeks ago which would have taken my fertility away forever. The day before, I completely freaked & called my doctor to cancel. I think it is easier & more comforting knowing that I can still try, when or IF the time is right. If it never happens, then so be it. But to make it a permanent decision, well, that wasn't right for me. So, follow your heart. Maybe it isn't time, but let yourself have those feelings. They may never go away, but that's just fine as well. Maybe, too, with your son turning 2, you are having the "he's no longer a baby" feeling going on. I know I started feeling that way when my youngest his 18 months. That was exactly when I suddenly had a stronger desire for #4. Maybe it is just our way of realizing our "babies" are growing up and are no longer babies. My eyes are tearing up just typing this. But, that is a part of life--watching our babies blossom into beautiful children. It's a beautiful thing to watch, but also emotionally hard.
I hope you find your way & are able to eventually follow both your heart and your head.
Good luck!!

3 moms found this helpful

I have 3 and was in the comfortable, life is so much easier boat, when we decided to have #3. My girls are 5 1/2 and 4 1/2 and the baby is 9 months old. So we're back to diaper bags and high chairs, and exersaucers, and difficulty eating out, and difficulty car pooling (so easy with my girls being in portable booster seats, not so much with the infant seat...
Also we're waiting two more years now to go to Disney so the baby will be 3 when we go.

I am thrilled to have my son...I would not change it for the world. He's the light of my life.

It is harder having him, and more expensive and more logistically difficult. Every one of my friends is a mom of 2 kids the same age or close to my girls' age. I'm the one with the baby lugging a stroller and diaper bag and nursing everywhere we go when we do outings with the older kids...

I don't regret it ever. I would always regret it if I didn't do it.

But I'm not you and I can only relay MY feelings. I have always known I wanted 3 or 4 kids. I had an IUD in before I was pregnant with him, I had it removed in order to conceive this baby. He was 100% planned. I never doubted if I wanted to do this.

In some ways I want 4 but I know in my heart and brain that I'm done now. :-)

2 moms found this helpful

I decided to have a third. It never happened. I spent many months on a bathroom floor crying after I looked at negative pregnancy tests. And I am not you, but you can feel old and tired at any age. And you can look great forever. But it is not always possible to feel life one more time inside your body or your heart.

2 moms found this helpful

I was feeling like you, but we were thinking about #4. I'll be 40 in Sept... and if I were younger, it would be a no brainer. We'd be having a fourth. But, my youngest is 3, and I just can't go back to the baby phase. Especially since I am the primary caretaker, and my husband travels a ton for work. I just can't do it again.

I love babies. Would love to have one, but I'm not going to.

J.

2 moms found this helpful

You've mentioned your brain and your heart, but there is a third component you are missing - and the one I think is perhaps the most important - your gut. What is it telling you? The answer may explain why you back away whenever you have an opportunity (ie, sex) to make a third child a reality.

If you want to try an interesting exercise, here is a way you may be able to get in touch with exactly what it is that you want. A counselor taught me this technique years ago and I use it whenever I need guidance. The answers are inside of you, you just have to know where to look!

Start by sitting quietly and do some deep breathing. When you feel totally relaxed and calm, start to invision yourself walking somewhere that feels natural to you - a beach, a hillside, etc. Eventually, when you are ready, come across a path. Follow this path to the end where you will find a wise old man sitting at a table waiting for you. Sit at the empty chair across from him and proceed to ask him anything you want to know. Only ask one question at a time and don't move on to the next question until you have received a complete answer. DON'T THINK. Just be. The answers will come to you. And you will be AMAZED what you will learn during this exercise. When you are finished and have asked the man all that you need to know for the time being, slowly get up from the table and make your way back down the path, reversing your journey until you reach what was your starting point. Slowly open your eyes...you will know exactly what you need to do next. And the best part - the wise old man is always there when you need him. And now you know how to find him!

This may sound like cheesy advice but I hope this is helpful! It has really helped me in figuring out some tough decisions. The most important way to decide our path in life is to follow our gut instincts. Don't worry, when you are quiet and listening, your gut will tell you exactly what it is you should do! Good luck!!

2 moms found this helpful

To me, it doesn't sound like you want another baby. Rather, it makes you sad to see your kids (whom you love dearly) growing up. That happens to everyone! I don't think you should focus on things like cost of an airline ticket, ect. Of course actually affording a child is important but you have to really want and be ready for one emotionally. You love babies, obviously. I love my son at this age too. But I don't want to have another one because I can't recreate this special time. Instead, what I focus on is cherishing every beautiful moment with my son. I don't think it's a battle between your heart and head. You heart is not 100% telling you to have a baby. I also don't accept that "no one regrets having another baby". No one ADMITS to it. Don't let catch phrases play a role in what you do. Give yourself a little time, pray on it. The right answer will come to you soon.

2 moms found this helpful

The answer is actually never, "I'm not sure, so I should just do it." This requires real thought. It sounds to me, personally, like you want another kid less than you miss the baby stages of your current kids. It could be hard to get over this, but probably not as hard as raising a brand new baby at 40 (I am thinking about number 3 as well, but I'm about to turn 30...and it still sounds exhausting!)

I recommend you recognize that your youngest is only 2, and you might be able to have another baby in a year or two if that is still what you want. Or maybe you won't be able to have another, and maybe that will be okay. Here is what I did - picture right now, right this instant, that you find out you're pregnant. Right now. You take the test right now and that's the result. It's too late to change your mind. Gut reaction? Are you happy? More than happy - are your thrilled? Or are you panicky? Freaked? Desperate? All of that will tell you something about what you want.

In the meantime, I recommend you go to the nearest animal shelter or Petsmart and think about whether having something else to care for would fulfill this need in you.

2 moms found this helpful

I was 40 when our 3rd baby was conceived and born. I was 36 when my first was born. You'll definitely be tired. You didn't mention how old your other 2 kids are - going back to the infant phase is tough.

It sounds to me like you're done. I think many women get panicked about having another baby as they get older and the end of childbearing years gets closer. Of course you'd be over the moon with another child, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with going with your head over your heart. All of the points you make about having a third are totally valid. You have to think about what's best for your family and the really practical aspects, such as is your house/car big enough, the cost of another child in daycare (if applicable), travel, etc. We have to rent a minivan now when we travel, which is $$. Your husband seems willing, but how much does he help with the house and kids?

2 moms found this helpful

This feeling will pass.....and this feeling will never go away.

Best and worst advice ever I know.

I popped out three lids in about four years. YIKES! I was ''done'' having babies according to my OB..she says with as fertile as I am....it would be smart to maybe think about getting fixed. She was being nice....I knew it was probably the smarter thing to do.

So a month and a half after having my third I had my tubes tied. YIKES I freaked out. At 25 I knew I WAS DONE having babies...BUT was I really DONE with having babies...My heart told me NO!

I was in an accident while I was pregnant with my third and was receiving a huge settlement. I had convinced myself I was going to have a tubes untied with some of the money I got back.

My whole family and friends base jumped in to make sure I did not do anything drastic on the heart strings of wanting another baby....To think about the kiddo's I had already.

Do you know how thankful I am that I did not turn around and untie them??? SO THANKFUL!

Now I know I am speaking as someone who has three....But we were to young kids who had not even so much as talked about a family when we first got married. WE were content with how things were and bam....baby number one...then two...then three...so we did not even have time to really think about it.

Point being...there will always be the yearning for a baby in the house. Who would not want a little baby to cuddle up with.

Three can be a game changer. And if you are content right now with life...it maybe a game changer you did not think would be thrown at you.

My youngest is my doll. He also is my hardest. It is not his fault. He has been roughly diagnosed with High functioning Autism(meaning he is still awaiting test's through specialist but ALL professional's who have seen him have agreed hands down he is on spectrum). He HAS Opposition Defiance Disorder(meaning he gets VERY VERY violent in the blink of an eye.....I have had blood drawn many time and been given two black eyes....As I type I am nursing a wound inflicted on Friday...He snapped a stick in half making it very pointed and then threw it at my face taking off a chunk of skin in the process)and last but not least a Sensory Processing disorder(Meaning new places, loud crowds, to much excitement, not enough excitement...or not getting exactly what he wants sets him off and he normally ends up extremely violent).

Would I change having him for the world.....no. But there are some days that are extremely hard to like him(I will love him always...but when he spears my face it is hard knowing I have to remain calm when my baby just made me bleed ALOT).

Three could be a game changer.......I will say it again.

I am exhausted ALWAYS.
My house has not been clean clean in over a year...Because he tears everything up...
Sleep comes when he falls to sleep..still to this day...
I can not really leave the house with him to go do anything fun or new...because I never know how he is going to react.
I constantly have strangers judging me over his behavior in public and they have more then once very rudely approached me about disciplining him(which is damn near impossible at this point)

If you are feeling apprehensive....I think you know what is truly speaking to you...And it sounds like you THINK you want another one...but you know that it will be alot of work.

I can not make this decision for you..none of us can. I think you need to truly talk to your hubby about this one....Two is a cake walk. three is easier in some respects...but in others it is harder.....We normally require an extra adult when we do go out in public....I realize we have a unusual situation but it sounds like yours are fairly young....So you may need the extra arms...

I am now relying on my sisters and best friends. I know there will be more babies in my life. I just am taking a break from them right now.

Do not make any BIG decisions on the spot.

2 moms found this helpful

Maybe your heart is saying enough too? But you feel guilty for not really wanting another?

1 mom found this helpful

Most people do NOT regret having another child...a lot of people sit and wonder day after day what it would have been like to have another! I think you might be ready to really try for your third! three kid's are fun!!!

1 mom found this helpful

I think that you should trust your instincts. Your kids are still really young- you have a lot more baby-time to enjoy with them.

1 mom found this helpful

If you are freezing up again and telling DH to get the condoms out then you're not ready. So have protected sex and wait until after your trip....Frankly when we threw caution to the wind for #2 and #3 I was completely relaxed about it. If you are not then wait.

1 mom found this helpful

I have the same questions, I was about 20% yes 80% no (mostly due to the having to be pregnant part, it is REALLY hard on me, and I don't want to give up 9 mos of my life again), but now that I might not be able to I want to have one much more. (Don't we always want what we can't have?) I am going through chemo (breast cancer) and had to save some eggs for any possibility. Only two were fertilized, and there is only a 15% chance for each that it would take. But to help you with your decision, I always tried to look 15-20 years into the future and picture my family. I never felt that urge to start having kids, but knew that is I pictured myself in my 50's with just my (wonderful) husband and I that my life would be incomplete. I forced myself to have the kids and love having my two boys 5 and 17 months. Maybe a look into your future could help! Good luck!!

You have two perfect kids? How do you do that? :^) I had four very imperfect ones. And the flak I got for being so ridiculous as to have them was not in my mind but in other peoples'. I'd hate to repeat what some of them said.

I would never have traded my children for anything, not even on their worst days. Well, not for more than five minutes at a time. I still won't. I thank God daily for all of them, including the ones (either the younger three or all four, depending on who was talking) other people said it was mad, stupid, criminal, too expensive, too inconvenient, and totally unreasonable to have.

It takes an attitude shift to decide children are important. I lost some "friends," and I had to give up keeping up with the Joneses, yes, but the children had everything they needed to have, including good educations.

By the way, my mother gave birth to me the year she turned forty. She always said having children late kept her younger longer.

(Tired, I'll grant you. It goes with the territory.)