Thinking of Going from Two Kids to Three

I always wanted 4 or 5. Our third was difficult the first 3 months and money was tight. My husband got a vasecatomy. I was fine at that time. Our baby is 11 I still wish I had more kids but would not start over today we had all 3 by age 27.Wish I had done it when my 3rd child was 2 or 3. I have had friend who did not want more and husbands got a vasectamy only to learn they were already pregnant and devastated but that child is their life. As long as childen have a roof over their heads, food in their tummy and love in their heart things will be O.K. but it must be a choice you both want or it could cause problems between you.

Dear K.,

What a great question. I am glad that you are asking it now rather than too late, like I did.

My two are 18 and 16 now and I am 48. There are times that I wish we had a third, but by the time I got around to thinking that way (quite a few years back), I was already a bit long in the tooth and the age difference between the children would have made the third into the odd man out.

Your timing is perfect and I will tell you that regrets are tough... a lot tougher than having to open an extra card on mothers' day.

Best wishes to you whatever you decide.

I have a 7 yo boy and a 5 yo girl. Last Oct. we added a baby girl to the mix. At first I was thinking, what was one more??..Right? My older kids love their sister and are very considerate of the time I have to spend with her. They also share a room which we made into a giant play area with bunk beds in the corner!!! It has been an adventure for sure. My difficulty lies in that my husband is a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts, so there are lots of days where I am a single parent the whole day. If your husband is home in the evening and in the morning, I think the transition for you may be easier. Also, where we struggle is with my older kids schedules. I am a pretty scheduled parent when it comes to my kids, and trying to get my baby into a routine while maintaining the others schedules can be difficult. But if you have carpools, or family that can share the load sometimes to take the burden off of you, that helps.

I have to tell you that going from two to three was a piece of cake for us. We barely skipped a beat in our life. Of course, number three very rarely got to nap in her own crib because we were always on the go doing her brother's activities, but she is actually better off for it and a great sleeper and really easygoing about where she sleeps.
The only other thing I can tell you is that friends of my parents told me on their 20th wedding anniversary the wife asked the husband, "Any regrets about our marriage?" and he said, "One" and she said, "I bet it's the same one I have" and they both said at the same time, "We should have had #3." You will never look at the third and say, I wish we hadn't had you, but you may always regret not doing it.
As for financially, babies are cheap, and things seem to work out. I always say financial reasons should not dictate your family. Our third was born while my husband was in graduate school and not working, and number four is about to be born the week after he graduates. You will figure it out.
Good luck.

First of all it sounds like your husband is perfectly happy with the two children you have and if he has considered having a vasectomy then I believe he has made his decision. I also am the mother of two. I have a son and a daughter and most people believe it to be the perfect family. I guess you and I are the lucky ones. As some people have only boys or only girls. My husband had a vasectomy when my daughter was one month old and we have never regretted it. I love babies and found that I could always hold and play with my neices and nephews even my friends babies. So having said all of that it is a personal choice but I think one of each is ideal.

Well it is nice to know that someone just about the same age as me is going through the same thing....Although my situation is basically a 16 year old daughter and a 7 year old son...My son would love to have a brother or sister, my daughter, not so much. She was happy when her brother came and more so because he was a boy, so different competition...I am longing for another girl, and my husband says he does not want more kids, and that with our luck we would have another boy. My sister in law just had a baby and it made me sad, because I am wanting another one myself. We love that we can travel now and make plans to just pick up and go with the kids age. So, this is our dilemma. Do we want to give that up?..I have been thinking a lot about adoption, and more so because of my age and the risks that go along with pregnancy and such. But there is nothing like having your own...I can only tell you to weigh the pros and cons and if you decide to not have anymore, enjoy your kids and enjoy what they become....

K.,
I can only say that adding another baby into your family will only bring great joy as it is with all new additions to a family!
I encourage you to at least be open to having another because I have seen just how much joy and hope comes into a family as it grows. I have seven children and have only become a better person with each child. All those things that you are worried about all seem to work themselves out when you make room in your heart for another.
As for the age difference, four year olds love to help with a new baby. They grow up so much and are such wonderful helpers and they love being a big sister or a big brother.
At 35 you are plenty young to have another. I do think you will regret not having another. If you say that you are having strong feelings now about having another it is bound to creep back up on you as you continue to get older. Now is the time to do it if you are going to.
Honestly, your children will love having a sibling and probably is you were to ask them, they would happily share their room if they needed to make room for a new baby brother or sister!!!!!
I will pray that you make the right choice, K.!

This is kinda funny, I am your age and my son and daughter are your childrens ages. My husband got the vasectomy and we are content. I feel blessed to have two healthy children. I think that the reason why we feel content is because there have been bumps in the road. We are both currently furthering our education and both kids have some stuff we have dealt with, C-Section, nerve damage affecting a leg, a broken clavacle at birth, ADHD and a cranial cap. I just count my blessings and really, I didn't think we would ever have 2 children. But, I believe in destiny. If you were meant to have 3, you will. Vasectomy has been known to fail, birth control fails...stuff happens for a reason. Best Wishes, whatever you decide.

Hi, K.,

I am not in a position to tell you what's best; I can tell you only what's best for my family. At 42, I have two sons, a 20-month-old and a 6-month-old. I would have liked to have had a girl, but the chances of having another baby, much less a girl, are next to nil due to my age and medical problems. I don't want to be any more exhausted than I already am, and I know my husband would not welcome the added responsibility, as much as he loves kids. (I quit my teaching job but attend school part-time, volunteer part-time. My husband is helpful when he is in town--half of the year.) Even if I could produce more than two kids, I probably would not as I believe that with a human population of 6 billion people, Earth cannot support well more than it already has or even as many as it already has.

Some people who responded said that a person can always find a way to financially support as many kids as he or she can biologically bear. Hard evidence throughout history does not support that supposition, which several people on this board presented. It also does not support the supposition that kids from large families have it as easy as kids from small families. Studies have shown that the quality of life for each child declines when a couple goes from two kids to three. I'm not saying that you can't support a third, fourth, etc., but the more children you have, the less money you have for each. For instance, my parents had just two kids. My sister and I weren't spoiled, but we got help paying for college, lessons, etc. My in-laws, on the contrary, had five. They loved their kids, but none of the kids got any financial help after turning 18, and the kids got virtually no lessons and definitely no luxuries ever.

If I were unsure whether or not to have another child, I would make a spreadsheet containing a breakdown of costs to raise two children and three children, compare the cost of two to the cost of three on a monthly basis, annual basis and over the entire length of time I would support each child, probably 18 or 22 years in most parents' cases. I would not count on my children supporting me in the future, because one cannot be sure about that no matter how lovingly and well one raises a child. I would also estimate how much I needed to live in retirement and how much I could save for retirement with two kids and with three kids. Then I would calculate the difference between how much I estimated I needed for retirment and how much I would actually have for retirement when the time came to retire. I know virtually nothing about your financial situation, but oftentimes, the more kids people have the more or longer they, the parents, have to work, or, in other words, the later they retire.

I think that it would be a good idea to wait a few months before making any life-altering decisions. As one respondent recommended, I would keep a journal of how I felt about this issue, among others. I would try to determine why exactly I wanted a third. I would ask myself if I were open to adopting or fostering a child, as well as bearing my own genetic child. I might ask myself if I lived vicariously through my children, or if lived my own life (with the blessing of sharing my life with a husband and children) and generally felt satisfied with my life. After a few months, or however long my husband and I decided to wait to make a decision, my husband and I would make a decision and then not look back (second-guess ourselves) since we knew we made the best decision we could with the information we had at the time. No one has a crystal ball.

Good luck,
L. E

First off, I think if you have so many and doubts still then it's probably not the right time. Do you REALLY want another baby or is it just because you realize your baby is growing up? As for going from 2 to 3, I didn't find it more difficult. I had all 3 of mine pretty close together though The oldest and youngest are only 3 yrs apart with one more in the middle. I never got out of the baby stage before having my next child. They also all share 1 room. They love having each other nearby, but I doubt your 7 yr old would feel that way having a baby brother in his room. Your 3 yr old probably wouldn't mind too much. Bottom line is, if you're not sure then you probably need to talk it out some more, if talking with your hubby isn't helping, maybe a counselor or priest. Just someone to listen and help you work through the issue. Good luck!

Dear K.:

All I can tell you is how awful it is to get to the point where you really CANNOT have more and wish you had. I had my children back to back and could've had more but my husband was worried about finances so he had the vasectomy. We both regret it very much. The finances would've stretched as they always do. Also, I've never known someone to regret having more children...people always regret stopping too soon. Another detail: one of my dearest friends has three children with EIGHT years between each one. Each child is an absolute treasure and the parents are delighted.

God bless your decision-making,

M.

I am a mother of three. We have twin 10 year old daughters and a 5 year old son. I had the same questions that you do, so I want to tell you how our son completes our family. When it comes to finances, you're never going to have enough. But when it comes to the love from children, my cups overflows.

I cannot speak to you from experience as a parent because I only have two kids of my own, but I am one of seven kids and I love being part of a big family. I didn't always like it growing up. I always wished I had a room of my own (I finally got it when I was 16) but it was just a part of life. We had very little money growing up, so my clothes were always hand-me-downs, but I never knew any different. I know for me as a parent, going from one to two did not make a huge financial impact because we saved all of the baby stuff and we had a second boy so he already has all the clothes he needs. As for your age, I would just say if you are going to do it, don't wait. It's just not easy taking care of the little ones the older you get.

I think Mindy M said a lot of great things. The truth is as women I think we will always be sad when we realize we're done. And we wouldn't ever think that we'd made a mistake when another came into our lives. I think each child you add to your family will change the family dynamics and you have to talk with your spouse and decide if this is a change you want. Good luck!

K....I'm a mom of five and I LOVE it. It wasn't easy raising them but they brought me much joy. The older children will be a big help with the baby. I had my fifth at age 33 and I was a much calmer mom and have a very special relationship with her. When you are in the middle of child rearing it's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel but when they are all grown up you will find that you were blessed to have so many kids.

It's extremly important that your husband and you be on the same page about this. Resentment either way, can last for the rest of your marriage. I have two kids, and never wanted more. I felt there are concerns to concider beyond my ability to pay for them or weather or not they liked sharing a room. I was concerned about the planet and the fallout of overpopulation that my children and their children are likely to face. As far as your other concerns, I was 36 when I had my second and it went very well for me. My children are 4 years apart and get along well. As far as the room sharing is concerned, my sister was 4.5 years older than I and we shared a room as children. I hated each and every single minute of it. On some levels we still feel some animosity towards each other from having to exsist in the same overcrowded space as children. I am 51, so you can see resentment is something that can last a long time even when the sistuation that created it is long gone. So the diecision you and your husband make about this, should be well thought out, talked about, and concidered by both of you. The two of you need to hear each other at depth without trying to convince each other before you decide. About the subject of children, nobody likes being forced one way or the other. I hope you all can be happy with the decision you make.

Hi K.,

First I would say, pray a lot! and then discuss it with your husband. I wanted another one, but was unable to. I have two girls and they are 10 years apart, and I always thought I would have a little boy. I know if you don't have one you will probably mourn the loss of that baby. It's just that when we get in our minds that there should be another, then it's sad when it does not happen. Always remember that you are already blessed with 2 as I am. There are women who cannot have any.
I would say to make the choice fast because of the age thing. The last thing you want to do is finally decide it should happen and it's too late. Also each baby is a miracle, keep this in mind.
As long as you love your family and each one knows this, then bringing another one to love into the world is fine. I wouldn't worry about the room etc. I grew up with 3 in our room and my husband always had one of his brothers in his. Siblings can be a wonderful thing, as long as there is love and respect for each other in your home.

Good luck, this is a decision that comes from you and your husband. Talk talk talk. Love love love. If you make a decision together it will help any process you go through easier.

A.

I would suggest even considering becoming either foster parents, or adopting later on if you decide that you want another child. Foster Parents are generally paid monthly for food and other support so that would help if you are worried about fianances.

Good luck

Yes you do have to think of the finances, college etc. After all you dont want to bring a child into this world if you wont be able to provide for them. However how can any human being, especially your own, ever be a BIG mistake? Just make sure both you and your husband agree with the decision ..if not it will only lead to resenment in the future by one of you.

Going from 2 to 3 was extremely hard for us but our situation is a little different. The best advise I can give anyone is DO NOT GET A VASECTOMY unless you are both 100% sure you are done! We now have an 18, 8 & 8 month old. When we had our first, we thought 1 was enough so my husband got the vasectomy. Within a year we realized how much we loved being parents and wanted more. We did the "vasectomy reversal" which was a pretty major surgery. There was so much scar tissue, we had to have another surgery to remove it. Luckily we were blessed with another child several year later. We would have loved more but the scar tissue build up was preventing it. We accepted it and are now comitted to several things "PTA" "soccer coach & soccer mom" "Football coach & football mom" so when my doctor said "surprise you are having a girl" we were completely in shock! Trying to adjust our now very hectic lives to fit in another baby has been extremely hard on us. However, she is amazing and we are thrilled to be blessed with another baby. Now, we are struggling with future prevention, do we chance having another one (although unlikely, obviously a possibility!?!) Just make sure you are both happy with the number of kids you have before you do something so permanent!

It always seems like such a liability and stress when you haven't yet met that darling little baby, but once they are in your life you are changed forever in a way that only they can change you. Financially, unless you are a working mom, it doesn't make a huge difference until they are much older and you will adjust to that in time. It will be hard-just like it was when you went from one to two. Wasn't it worth it though? You should follow that motherly instinct inside of you. I have four children and they are all so unique and wonderfully special. I can't imagine life without any one of them. I have heard many people regret not having more (or any) children once they are in their old age, or regret not spending enough time with the children they have. I have never heard anyone regret that they had too many children. Sharing a room is a good thing too. It helps them create a greater bond of love between them (although they still fight as siblings do). Also, 35 is young by today's medical standards. I say go for it!!!

Don't wait. If you think you will regret not having another child, and your husband is willing to have another child, then you should have that baby as soon as possible. If you husband's job is relatively secure, and your basic needs (food, shelther, clothing, medical care) are met, then finances shouldn't be a problem. You probably still have a lot of the baby items, so you wouldn't need to buy everything all over again. Plus, with resale and craigslist, you can always find inexpensive clothes and baby items that you may need again.

The age differences really shouldn't be a factor. Having to share a room should not be a factor, especially at such young ages. In most families (until very recently), children shared a room with a sibling or two, and no one has ever suffered any terrible consequences as a result!!

Your post really got to me. I had my first baby, my beautiful son, at 42. I wanted another child but wanted to have some time between the babies. I am 45 now and have gone through all of the fertility testing. We just met with the RE a few days ago, and basically, I am at the end of my reproductive age. Even if we decide to go with IVF or IUI, the chances of a successful pregancy and delivery are very slim. I really regret waiting. Had I just started 6 months or a year sooner, the chances would have been better. Science can only do so much, so from my personal experience, I have learned it is best to go forward with your decision as soon as possible.

Having three kids is a lot of work, it's true. But that is part of parenting, whether you have one, two, three, or more.

Good luck to you!

We have three kids. The last one was not planned, but very much welcomed. It is a little harder money wise with three. And sometimes, my kids don't like sharing a room. We actually switched the rooms around, so the oldest could her own room for now, since she is in school.
And in all honesty, if a part of feels you will regret not having a third, then take a second look at your finances. And at each other. You both want a third. Where there is a will, there is a way. Maybe you like to go out to eat 2x a week. Or go to the movies. I bet, you will find somewhere you can cut back on money spending, and 'find the money for another baby'.

Your husband should be a large decision maker on this one. If he feels he does not want the responsibility of supporting another child then I would go along with that. If you both are iffy about it, then have another baby and know that things will work out as long as you love each other and keep your family together. Its a tuff world to raise your children in these days. Its very expensive, and you will not regret making the decision either way and long as you both agree.

After I had my first two, I felt a real need to have another, a need I couldn't explain. My husband was 8 yrs older than me and felt that he was too old. I was 33. My third child was my only "unplanned" baby (I always felt that God made the decision for us). My only regret was that I wasn't younger and couldn't have another right after the 3rd. Yes, it was a bit tougher because I didn't have the same energy as I did for the first two (my oldest was almost 7 and the middle one was 4 when the third was born). Sadly, my husband passed away a couple of years ago, but he gave the third one more time than the first two ever got because he had more patience and understanding. Financially? I really don't feel it made a difference. It wasn't like I gave birth to an elephant who ate us out of house and home. The two boys shared a room and my daughter had her own (which she complained about because according to her, everyone else in the house didn't have to sleep alone). You will always spend as much as you make. You can always start to put a little bit away each month now so that you won't feel the pinch so much when the new baby comes and you have to afford diapers again. Good luck!

My third was a surprise and a blessing. A boy and two girls. My girls share a room and we are doing OK financially. However, I get pangs too since my youngest is three. We recently went to D-Land and the older two could go on rides together but the 3-year old was left behind due to height restrictions on some rides. She is left out of many other things due to age too. I would never have another due to the unfairness to the others and the fact we have had good health with them so far and I am pushing 40. Think on your pangs more. We all get them but is it just a pang or a real feeling? Kids & babies are awesome but now with the ages of your kids you are able to travel more and eat out more...a baby would hinder that. Is that fair to your family? Just think more on it all. Good luck!

I am 55 years old, mother of 3 adult daughters and grandmother of six! No matter how many or how few children you have, each one of them is a blessing and a gift! Let's look at what you have said... your husband is feeling a bit stressed financially and adding one more mouth to feed and care for might be more than he can or wants to handle, your other children each have their own room, so one more child may have to share one of those rooms, leaving one child with his or her own room, you are 35 and not getting any younger yet feeling the sadness of no more babies, yet enjoying the two children you have very much... a boy and a girl.. perfect!

My suggestion: journal exactly why you feel the way you do... all the mixed feelings. Share these with your husband. Really listen to his feelings/fears about having one more child. Then share each other's goals, dreams and your goals/dreams as a couple. Will another child fit into those? What about your children? How much of your time and attention will be taken away from them for a new child? Ditto for time with your husband and for your own time? The two of you need to really hear each other and make this decision together... write out the pros and cons and then the two of you make a decision that you both can agree on and live with and never, never, never go back and blame the other for the decision later on!

My oldest daughter is 38 and has a boy and a girl... she loves children but she finds that her energy level is much lower than it was ten years ago (her children are 6 and 3) so her patience level isn't as long as she would like either! But she thanks God for these two beautiful children... and for the opportunity to be a stay at home mom too. Plus she knows that her husband would be a good dad to a third child but it would be such an economical burden that she could not do that to him. He is an awesome dad to their two, so whenever she gets the need for a baby fix... she borrows a neighbors baby! and/or looks at her children's baby pictures/scrapbooks! Then she is fine...

Hope this gives you some food for thought...
Blessings to you and your husband.....

Going from two to three is HUGE. Take it from a mom of four. It changes EVERYTHING! Most of the moms of three or more that I've spoken to say the same thing. For #3 you want a calm, sleepy, easy-maintenance child. But #3 turns out to be the wild card that changes the whole dynamics of the household. Also, keep in mind that you are now in the "sweetness and light" stage of parenting. Once your kids hit the teen years, you may wish you'd remained childless. The teen years are difficult at best and downright brutal and gut-wrenching at worst. Here is the most important thing to remember. You will always feel that sadness when talking about a vasectomy, when taking the crib down, whether it is after #1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6. That feeling will always be there. Do not have another child just because of that feeling, or you will wind up with a dozen. :0) If your husband is ready for a vasectomy, and does not want another, that is pretty much that. Do not have another unless your husband is 100% on board with the idea.

All I can say is having three isn't that much different than two. I have three and raised another one in addition that wasn't my biological child. You always find the money and besides there are hand-me-downs and thrift shops. Depends on your priorities, you can't put a price tag on the "I love you Mommy" and the hugs. If it's really in your heart to have more you should pray about it and see if the Lord touches your husband's heart to have another one. You do want to be in agreement otherwise that can come back to bite you. All the best.

I think that if you're having these feelings, that you and your husband should talk about having another. Yeah, one of your children may have to share a room, but that never hurt any one. You're older, but young when compared to some that are having kids at the age of 40+. The only problem I could see would be the "three's a crowd" thing. Sometimes when there's three someone gets left out. My husband and I decided to stay with even numbers for this reason(we have 4). After my last one, I was ready to be done, so taking down the crib and giving away the baby things was no problem. Now, I still love babies, but don't feel that I need to have any more of my own. No matter what you decide, make sure you make the decision with your husband. You don't want resentment on either side. Good luck, I hope things work out.

Of course, I can only speak for me and my situation. I have 3 children who are now 14, 10 and 8. Going from 2 to 3 was tough for us. It might be having all boys too though. They are busy, loud and a bundle of energy. I don't think I need to say this, but I do LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them all. I am just being honest. Financially, having 3 seems to be a lot more too. If that's what your heart is saying (to have a third), you will work it out for sure. Many people do it well...best of luck!

I don't know what it's like going from 2 to 3 kids, but I know if you are having feeling of wanting another baby, DON'T do anything permanent yet! You can always make due no matter how many kids you have. There's nothing wrong with kids sharing rooms-I grew up with 4 brothers and sister's and had to share a room, what fun memories. Financially you will always make it-you may have to give up a little, but family is worth it.
I only had two, a boy and a girl-love them to death, but always wished I had had more kids, but we made that permanent decision when we should have waited a while longer. Let there be no regrets. You would be thrilled-It'S A BABY! God luck with making this tough decision-LB

I'm speaking from a practical standpoint... the spacing between the first and the third is quite a challenge. You will be helping with his multiplication and going to sports practices and game, while at the same time trying to nurse/change a baby or trying to soothe him/her because they can't stop crying. Your daughter will get lost in the shuffle as the middle one. There is a bit of an age difference.

From a maternal standpoint...if you have that strong feeling that you're not done having children then sit down with your husband and figure out what is best for both of you.

This exact thing happened to me and we talked about it and did have another child. I have a 10yo, 8yo, and a 2yo. I do have to be honest, its very difficult to keep it together but I do. I'm at baseball practice but because the baby is sick, I have to sit in the car and miss the opportunity to support my son. My 8yo has afterschool activities which we can't go to because i have to pick up the baby from daycare. Having another baby incurred a monthly expense of over $600 a month for us, including daycare, clothes, diapers and gas since daycare is out of my commute. If money is not a problem, then that's not a issue.

Good luck to you and I hope that everything works out.

I suppose you have to ask yourself...what is the benefit of having a 3rd, and what can you get out of the 3rd that you don't already get from your first two? I have 3 and I love them all dearly, but the reason it was 3 is because the 1st is 13 years older than the second, so...I didn't want the 2nd one to grow up like an only child...plus I wanted a girl (I got her) Anyhow, only you and your husband can possibly know how well the fit will be in your lives. It sounds like you're comfortable now, so I suppose you have to imagine what you will gain and what you have to sacrifice. Regret? Don't ever say that out loud, your kids might think that they are not enough and you want more. Be happy that you already have 2 beautiful children. Good Luck to you!

I have three children and I can't imagine a second of my life without any one of them. I always looked at it like this; you may regret not having another baby, but you'll never regret having one once you've seen him/her for the first time and fall deeply in love with them. Good luck! :)

Normally it is just common sense to think things through thoroughly and make a firm decision, but, given your situation, how about letting nature take its course?

On the one hand, if you opt against having another, especially if this decision is made as a (pretty much) irrevocable act such as a vasectomy, you may end up resenting it because it was "his decision" (or you both may end up with regrets, who knows). And, on the other hand, if you decide very definitely to have another child, you may come up against difficulties getting pregnant and you just don't need that stress along with the ambivalence.

You both know that your children fill your lives and hearts and always will. But hopefully you also realize that you would find not only enough love for another but, somehow, you'd find a place in your lives, home, and finances.

Good luck with your decision... or with not making one ;)

My 1st thought is: You really need to be having this conversation with your husband.

You guys have to decide on a vision for the rest of your life. What do you and he want and how does another family member fit in. Maybe even ask the kids how they would feel having a baby sister/brother. Get a sense of if they even think they get enough of you. Does your husband get enough of you? Do you get enough you-time so that you can continue giving of yourself?

I think you both have to want it in order for it to be a total positive.

It sounds as if you have answered your own questions, in your message. You are fighting between your heart and mind, a very tough battle I must add.
But let me tell you something I do know that you don't. I am not yet a mama...still pregnant. HOWEVER, I am the eldest of three girls and can tell you from experience this is a hard number of children to have. Two are always ganging up on the other, there's constant fighting over who will have to share rooms, etc. If you do decide to have another child, try to keep your numbers even. it will save you a lot of trouble.

I have four, but we started very young. When we had our first 2, a 3rd child was the furthest thing from our minds. Until my older ones were 7 & 9, pretty independent, we decided to have another. And, then went on to have 4. But, again, just adding the 3rd did ad some chaos into our lives. I used to be 100% on top of everything, bills, budget, household maintenance, etc. But, after we had the 3rd it became really difficult to juggle. I had the older ones' extracurricular activities, little ones attention needs, etc.

I'm not complaining and I still wonder sometimes myself (we dont' have a little boy) what if we were to have just one more...

S.

Hi K.,

I am a mother of three, ages 12,15,17. (Girl, boy, girl) After we had our first two we were so happy to have one of each and at times felt completely overwhelmed just having two kids. The thought of adding one more was a bit frightening but we had not closed the door. We left it ajar and guess what? We got pregnant. I cried at first because I was so unsure about having this third child. How would we have time for another? Could we afford another? Would it take away from our first two? Well, I can tell you now, 13 years later how happy I am that we had our third. Yes, it was tough being out-numbered... two hands vs. three kids and when they were 1,3,& 5 it was probably the most difficult time in my life both physically and emotionally. BUT, the joy and love that she brought into our lives is immeasurable! Each one of my children is so completely unique and the dynamics of three versus two make our life so beautiful and full... messy but wonderful!!
I can't tell you what you should do but, if you have a good marriage and you have doubts about having another child, don't shut the door just yet. Financially speaking, somehow it always works out. Trust me on that one. And having to share a room is actually a very good thing for a child to go through. They learn about sharing and boundaries, they connect with their sibling in a way that might not happen if they didn't lay their heads down at night together. My two girls are 4 1/2 years apart and they have the sweetest relationship. Not that it has been always been smooth sailing. We have had tons of sibling arguments (with all of them)and for me this is one of the toughest things about parenting. But I would do it again. In a heart beat!! I must add that I was 27, 29, and 31 when I had them so I was a bit younger than you with my last, but not much. Most of the parents of my kids' friends are older than me.
So my advice is to think it about it, talk about it, and pray about it… don't decide too quickly or for the wrong reasons.

Well wishes ~
L.

For a totally different perspective, I highly recommend a reading with Walter Makichen, author of "Spirit Babies". www.waltermakichen.com. If you would like to know my personal experience with this, I would be happy to tell you more, just send me an email. Best of luck to you in making your decision.
S.

Going from two to three was easier for me than going from one to two. Although, my oldest is five and a half years older than his brother and seven and a half years older than his sister, so he is a built in amazing helper. That being said, I don't think any of us on this site can answer the mistake part of your question. Each family is different and can adjust to changes differently. Our daughter (and youngest) was a surprise pregnancy and what I call a gift. For us, it has been great. The boys, while five and half years apart, have said that they'd love to have bunk beds and share a room if we ever need them to - You have to really sit and talk with your husband about potential regrets - a difficult but necessary conversation. Good luck.

I am a mother of 3 and all of them are 4 years apart. This is the way I planned it. Each of them have had me to themself when they were infants. I put them in preschool before the other was born so they would not feel that I was "getting rid of them because of the new baby" The baby and I had mornings to ourselves then in the afternoon we had family time. They were never in high school together so expenses like proms, letterman jackets, etc were spread out. And of course they all hit puberty at different times so those problems were dealt with individually. They are all grown up now with families of their own and they are great friends. And all their children are 4 years apart so my plan must have worked.

I have four and I have to say the TOUGHEST transition was from two to three. That's the point at which I felt like the world started looking at me as "one of those people" you know, the ones with "all those kids." It was also tougher from a practical standpoint... one parent always has to deal with two kids at once. It's a great blessing too though, don't get me wrong but realistically I wouldn't do it unless you are very sure you want another. Not having one could be sad but having another could put you in a very stressful place too. Another thing I thought deserves mentioning is that I had the same feeling you describe even after my fourth. Shutting down the "factory" is sad no matter when you decide you are done.

I had two children the same age as yours when i decided i wanted another child, I was also 35 yrs old, but I had two boys and wanted a girl. I didn't get a girl, but I would not change anything. I'm not going to sugar coat any thing, Three children is alot. More than I could of even begin too amagin. You think its just one more child, but I can't explain why I fill like the laundrey feels like it has doubled and I can't get caught up on anything. Dishes are never done, house is never picked up and I am never organized like I once was. It could just be my third boy is my most work. He is a constant, but also my most fun. I totally understand the want for a third child I have never regreted it for a second. Just be prepared for more work.

K.,
I think you need to talk to your husband. You are good parents and will be so happy you had another. And, it's hard to manage three financially this day and age. Will your kids go to public or private school? Is your house big enough to accommodate three? What is your plan for college and your retirement? Think about these things.

Every decision has potential for joy and regret.

I am 40 and pregnant with my 6th baby! Not that I'd recommend having this many kids to anyone, but I don't know . . . I don't think anyone ever regrets having the kids they end up having, but I've known people who later regret NOT having another. My husband and I never set out to have this many children, we've sort of just taken it one at a time (or in the case of our twins, two at a time!). We're middle class and live in a nice house and have a comfortable life-style, but we're not rich. My husband and I both drive 10 year old vehicles that are paid for. We live in a nice neighborhood in a nice house, but our kids do share rooms, and I don't think that's the worst thing in the world. My oldest 2 had their own rooms until the baby was born 18 months ago, and then we moved them in together, and I felt really guilty about it for a while, but I don't anymore. I think teaching them to coexist and share space is a valuable life lesson, as are many of the sacrifices that are made in order to be able to have as large a family as we have. We also cloth diaper, breastfeed, and hand down all the baby stuff to the next one, so babies don't cost very much in our house. I don't expect to buy cars for my teenagers or pay for their college educations - and I think that's okay. I don't see anything wrong with them working for the car they may want, and working their way through college. I think it will make them better people in the long run.

It is hard, however, when you and your husband are not on the same page as to whether to have another baby or not. I hope you can come to a mutual decision that you are both happy with.

Hi K.,
I have the same feelings and I'm a K. too! My kids are a little younger, two girls 4 years and 1 year. And I am a little older, turning 39 next month. I want a third but have mixed feelings about it because of my age. It's like if we're going to do it, we need to do it right now. Of course my husband worries about finances so it might be another year or so before he'd feel comfortable financially. It would be nice to have a boy since we don't have one. And if it were a girl, three girls would be adorable (and we'd have plenty of clothes!). We are not trying to conceive, but only using the withdrawal method which is not foolproof so if it happens, it is meant to be. We might still try at some point, but I wanted to give you the advice my mom gave me. She said whatever decision we make and/or whatever happens will be the RIGHT decision/plan because it couldn't be any other way! It's kind of a deep concept, but it's true so don't worry about regret. I also disagree that you will always feel inclined to have another. I have several friends who clearly feel done and satisfied. They still love babies and want to be motherly around others' new babies, but they do not constantly long for another one themselves. If you truly desire another, it won't be too much for you to handle. Just remember the tough part will be in the beginning, but it goes by so fast. Our second was easier than our first so I'm hoping a third would be even easier. We're pros by then, right? ;) I don't think your 3 year old will care at all about sharing a room. If it's a girl, they will become the best of friends. If it's a boy, she'll protect him. And while your 7 year old probably wants more independence, he'll love being a big brother again. Things will fall into place so do what you and your husband feel is good for your family not what you think other people think you should do - that's where you might feel regret. I speak from experience on that. I wish you all the best.

I don't know if you can look up requests made in the past, but I asked the same question not too long ago. The title of my topic was "3 kids ~ To be or not to be". If you can read the responses I received, it may help your decision. We are currently trying for our number three. I know that at this point in my life, I have no closure. With baby number one, we couldn't wait to try. We were READY and there was no question. With baby two, we knew we wanted another one to give the first a playmate, etc. Now with baby three in our thoughts, we keep going back and forth. I am satisfied with my two boys if God chooses not to bless us with a third child, but my husband and I have decided to see if another child is in our future. I know that down the line I won't regret having another one, but if I cut off the chance to have one... I may regret that choice. Money shouldn't be a deciding factor (unless you're just having kids to get the tax write-off -- ha! ...) Money will come and go, and yes, times will get tough, but the joy another little one will bring to the family will be well worth the sacrifices made. God bless your family as you and your husband make this decision (and yes, I too know how hard the decision is).

You are a fantastic woman for thinking beyond yourself right now. Your main goal is to put your current family first. See if your children now would mind sharing a bedroom, and try fitting a new baby into your budget now too. My persoanl goal as a mother/wife is to make sure that my family has just as good as or better life than they do know with big choices like yours. I am in the same boat with you. I have my son who is 7 and my daughter is 3, and I would LOVE to have a baby, but it just isn't right for my family right now.

Best of luck to you

I think your situation may be different than mine...I have 3, but they are all 2 years apart and it's been pretty good mostly because they play so well together (most of the time). We have 2 girls and 1 boy. They are now 13,11, and 9.

It does get very difficult for travelling...we had to get a new car (we had a step son in the house back then), and buying plane tickets gets cumbersome. It's hard also because you don't have one parent for each kid. It gets hard when they're older and in activities....sometimes you have to be in 3 places at once. We try and keep their activities similar...one year all in soccer, and this year into iceskating/hockey and all taking music lessons (and they like having their own "band"). But I see lots of families managing all this just fine.

It may be a lot easier for you since you have such a wide age range, the daughter might help out a lot...older kids around that age love helping out with a younger ones. You have to go with your gut feeling....or leave it up to destiny, don't take your options away and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't.

Nobody can make this decision for you, but I can tell you how we felt. We're a middle class, middle income family as well.

We had two children immediately after getting married, only 13 months apart. When they were 7 and 8, we had our third. I worried a lot: with the first two kids, everything in the household revolved around babies. Now I had to wonder how we'd juggle everything - school, Scouts, dance class, gymnastics class, church activities AND a new baby. The household and the schedule couldn't revolve around naps and feedings, but it also couldn't totally revolve around my older kids. I wondered how we'd manage it all, plus afford diapers, baby needs and everything else we'd need.

Then, my son arrived, and blended into our family seamlessly. Nobody was shorted time and attention, everything got done, and everybody was happy. All that worry was for nothing.

When we found out #4 was on the way, we didn't worry at all! We were pros.

One size family does not fit all. And you'll never be 100% certain either way! Don't decide anything permanent when you're feeling pressured or worried. Whatever you decide, you'll have a family that you love!

Hi K.. I see you have already received a lot of great responses, pro and against. I only have two, and no boys and go through this often. I just wanted to share the advice I've been given by many, many women over the age of 40 and from grandmothers and even my husband's great grandmother. Most women NEVER stop wanting "just one more." It is something that lasts well past menopause, and their actual ability to birth one. It is a desire we are given to help procreate the planet, and we need to not let it get in the way of our actual lives. Mothers of 3 or mothers of 8 all go through the "just one more" cycle, and to just breathe and let it pass and then decide when it isn't so heavy on our minds, and we can think about the cons rationally. Not to say I don't try to convince my husband everytime it hits me again, but he kindly reminds me that we are not ready for another baby (I have an 8 year old and a 16 month old) and that we decided I wanted to go back to school. I hate it when he's right. Anyways, hope the older women's advice helped you as much as it helped me. And as a side note, I've never met a mother who said "MAN! This last kid was a HUGE mistake!"

I'd stay with two. You have your hands full with a husband and two kids as it is. If you ever want another child, you could always adopt.

Ultimately, it is up to the both of you to decide. Only you know within you if having another one is what you want (together) or if it is just the pings of putting everything away. I know we decided together for a vasectomy because we were definitely done (4 kids). When our youngest was almost 2 he passed away & shortly thereafter, we both wished we could have another - but later realized that it was a feeling only because of our loss. Not of a desire to have another really. It is as though the empty nest feeling starts long before the nest is truly empty. Good luck to you and God Bless You!

My mother always said where there is room for two, there's room for three. I can tell you that now as a mother of four I see exactly what my mother meant. It is alot of work... but is also amazing. I have two girls and two boys ages 8,6, 4, and 1. I am very blessed to have the help of my own big extended family. We are also middle class but when deciding the size of our family our pocketbooks didn't get a vote. Good luck!

You have to way the much added pressure on the rest of your family!!! It sounds as if it would be more than just a new addition, but a whole change in lifestyle for everyone....

Best of luck - Mom of three...and yes it is life changing for everyone!!!

Hi K.,
I had three girls. Each one I love and would never give up. I can tell you though that when we went from 2 to 3 it was really hard but they were each just under and then just over 2 years. It made things hard at times and there was always on odd man out. But as they have gotten older that has changed and they are the best of friends. So, it really ends up being a decision of finances and time.

I know this is an adult decision, but if you are thinking about bringing a new one in, why not make it a family decision? Bring the kids into the discussion as it will affect them especially because they may have to share a room. It will also make them more connected to the outcome if the decision is to have another child.

Just food for thought...

Hi K.,

One more version to support being patient and then revisiting the quesiton of if you will have another child. I am a mother of four children. This is my story. I had my first at 19, my second at 21, both were surprises (two of the best surprises I have ever had.) When they were 3 and 4.5 I was ready for one more. My husband had every excuse in the book of why we couldn't have that 3rd one (at this time we were both about 25 years old). So, I waited and waited. Finally I talked him in to another when all of our college and high school friends were starting their families. It also helped that his sister was also just starting her family. At this point, I told him that it was his turn to deal with the birth control I had taken the pill for 10 years and I was finished taking it. It was not that I was trapping him in to making this decision. I just made it clear that my turn was over and if we were finished, we needed to do some thing permanent. (He was reluctant to get a vasectomy) Anyway, we were in a better financial situation at this point too. We had also been parents for 11 years and we realized how quickly they grow and change. Anyway, we decided together to have another one, I just made sure that my system was clear of any more birth control pills, reading myself to get pregnant as soon as he said go!

So, at this point, we had three children, a daughter, son and then another son...it was 10.5 years between #2 and #3. When I was 32 I had baby #3. Things were great. Our older kids were awesome with the baby, very loving and kind. At this point, I figured I had begged for the 3rd one so I would never ask for another baby. Well, at one point he came to me when #3 was about 3 years old. He indirectly said that he wanted just one more, so the 3rd one had a sibling closer in age to him. So, we got pregnant again. We lost that baby to a miscarriage. Then he wanted to throw in the towel. I told him that we were not going to go out like that. Our kids would have been about 3.5 years a part in age. Well, we gave it one last shot and have our youngest daughter. Our oldest and youngest are 16 years difference in age and our last two are 4.5 years a part. The point I'd like to make here is that some people mentioned that you might not ever feel finished. I did. I knew that four was my limit in many ways, financially, emotionally, and physically. I also know that if I would have had baby #3 when my #2 was only 3 years old, I would have been at my limit then and I would have been happy.

If you have any doubts, I would not do anything permanent, until you know exactly what it is that you and your husband want for your family.

Personally, in my opinion, I think that finances and bedrooms are pretty minor issues in the overall scheme of life. May God Bless you and your husband while making this decision.

T.

Hi K.,
This is my first time ever responding~~your story touched me because I am in the same spot, however, I am 38. I have two daughters, 7 and 4 and they are so darn amazing that I think, another one would only make life more perfect. Money should not be the issue. You will make it work, it always does. I would say to you, know the relationship that you share with your husband VERY well~~my husband said "I'll do it for you if it's what you want", and I know for sure that he would be so in love when the baby came, but it's not the same excitment as the first two, so that has been what has stopped me. Go with your heart on this one. I am sure that it won't lead you astray!!!! Good luck to you and I wish you all of my best in your decision. Christi

I am a SAHM with 3 boys 9, 8 and 13 months and let me tell you, everyday is an adjustment. I see my husband in passing, either I'm dropping one at practice and he's got the other on the way to a game, and my little one has to tag-along wherever I go. I have to admit, going from one to two was pretty difficult mostly because they are so close in age, but this third dynamic is definitely exhausting! Don't get me wrong, my older boys are wonderful with their baby brother, they are so responsible and really try to take care and look after him, but this age gap is a little overbearing at times. The sleepless nights in the beginning when he was first born were pretty shocking. I never really appreciated my sleep until now! Thankfully, he's past that stage and is pretty much sleeping through the night now. But everything was an eye-opening adjustment, diapers, nursing, teething. I had forgotten all about that stuff!!! But everytime I am able to stop everything and sit quietly with him and sing to him or read to him...it makes it ALL WORTH IT!!! Whatever decision you and your husband decide, it will be the right one. Best of luck.

Whatever you decide, make SURE you and your husband are both on the same page about it. If you are not, it could have a negative impact on your marriage far into the future. Good luck.