Thinking About Baby #2 - Watertown,MA

To address the pubis symphasis disorder. I am educated a childbirth educator, doula, and a massage therapist who has worked with pregnant women since 1999. This pregnancy does not have to be like the last. Chiropractor's, Acupuncturist's and massage therapist all work to prevent and treat these issues. I also know people who had it for one pregnancy but not the other two. Hormones all play a factor in this as well and your hormone levels will vary from one pregnancy to the other. The post-partum depression even though you tried taking medication before and you found it didn't work again hormones will be different and knowing that you had it before there is medication you can take toward the end of the pregnancy as a preventative to it coming on in the postpartum period. I feel you being more educated this time and helping to prevent these things from happening will give you an all together better outcome. You may want to put a plan of action together, so that if you do have pubis symphasis seperation some one can help you with your toddler both while you are pregnant and during the postpartum period. There are postpartum doulas who are great at helping with adjustment, breastfeeding etc. Your concern about not having enough love to go around that is a common concern,that I think we all experience at one time or another and the fact is we have enough love to go around. It just comes naturally the minute your gaze meets that new baby's gaze. It again is all nature and our bodies way of creating love hormones. Again looking at your issues with your past pregnancy, I would look at ways you can prevent them and then look at if they did occur how could you get help to make dealing with them easier. Once you have planned that out forget about it and focus on getting pregnant and having an easy pregnancy, birth and postpartum. If you only focus on the negative you will only have a negative outcome. I truly believe our thoughts become out beliefs and our beliefs become our outcomes. If we focus on the positive we will only have positive outcomes. You will be a great mother to two and if that is what you truly want you will be fine.

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Hi G.,
You have very validated reasons for not wanting a second pregnancy. You are afraid of crippling pain and crippling depression/suicidal ideation. You fear you won't be able to care for your 2 year child, both physically and emotionally. You are a unique mom with unique problems and have some serious considerations to take into account before you make that decision. Please do not worry about your daughter not having a sibling. There are so many well-adjusted single children. Do not feel pressured into having a second child because some well-meaning but ill-informed people tell you that it's the best gift to give your daughter. The best gift you can give your daughter is your healthy self. My biggest suggestion is to seek some professional counseling before making this decision. I agree with the other mom about creating a plan, but first talk it out with someone who can really help guide you.

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Adotpion would take care of most of those worries, and you will love any next child as much as your first, promise.

Hi G.,
Everyone is different.First you need to talk to you husband. Does he really want a 2nd child or is 1 ok with him. I have one & I am Done. I love my son & want him to have all the advantages i can give him. - I make sure not to spoil him but want to be able to afford to send him to a good school, classes, sports, travel, ect ect. This all cost MONEY. I think you can have one & not have a spoiled child- you just have to have lots of friends & sleepovers( give the mom's with multi a break & take a freind over night). I took my friends over the weekend- I am soooo tired today. It also sound like you have a lot of medical problems with trying again so maybe you need to make a pros & cns list . Good luck.

I am glad that you got so much positive feedback, I personally in the "one and done" camp but that is what is best for me and my family. Please be happy and healthy and at peace with whatever you decide. All of the best, Nat

I agree whole-heartedly with the mama who said, the best gift you can give your daughter is your healthy self!! You are aware of the complications that arise in your particular pregnancies, and lucky to be so. Some women don't realize post partum for what it is, and it can end up ruining their lives and those around them. The pain you described would make anyone anxious to experience again. To have that surrounding what should be the most joyful time would make me feel resentful of the whole process, instead of looking foward to every stage.
You obviously are thinking very carefully about the best things for your family, and let it be just that, a decision for YOUR FAMILY. Don't let anyone pressure you into what you should do. I know plenty of happy, successful, sociable adult "singles", who would never change their family situation. My best friend has decided to have only one, and her daughter is the smartest, most compassionate 5-yr-old I know!!
All that said, I think you've made your decision, one with lots of supporting evidence. I just wanted to let you know that we are all behind you. We want you to be the best Mama you can be. Show your daughter just how strong women can be, be the woman that she will look up to. That is so much more important than anything else in her life. Good Luck girl!

I am a parent of a single child. She is smart, compasionate, caring...I could go on and on.I too had a difficult pregnancy (but not near as bad as yours) and it is not something I would ever consider again. Others may say the best gift you can give your child is siblings, and for them that may be true. It may not be true for you. The notion that every child should have siblings is a belief that society has placed on mothers. It is normal because we are raised to believe it to be normal. In reality you need to redefine normal so you can choose what is best for you and your family. Yours is a very difficult desion to make and I truely wish you the best.

Dear G.,

I think that you have a lot of serious and valid reasons to be hesitant! You should not rush into it and your life seems fulfilling now and depression alone is a serious issue! Enjoy your life and you can always choose adoption or pregnancy at a later time! I hope that your husband is supportive and understanding! You have been through way too much!I wish you the very best! I have been through a lot with my husband being very ill and bed rest and sickness during my second pregnancy. You have to trust your own feelings. It is clear it is too much. It would be for any one! Trust yourself! :)

I would be concerned about the medical issues. I was depressed with my first but not with the other two after that. Not to say you won't be. Make sure to express your concerns with your DR. Make sure you are open with hubby about depression too, it can be really serious. You or your baby could get hurt or killed! Moms with that bad of depression actually hurt their babies. Just be careful!
I use this awesome remidy for blocked milk ducts, it works awesome.
You will find time and love for both children, don't worry about that! Having a sibling is great for them too, more love. You will love both equally. Also, you will have more time to yourself once the baby is old enough to play with your toddler. My youngest two are off playing right now. They are 3 and 18 months. They fight too but it gives them someone to play with.
Hope some of this helps!!

M. - SAHM and WAHM and loving it!

Hi G.,
Your reasons sound very valid for hesitating about a second pregnancy, but even if you didn't have any reasons...instinct is very important too. Bringing a child into the world is a HUGE decision and if for any reason it doesn't feel right, that's good enough not to do it. It doesn't matter at all what other people are doing, if they have two kids or no kids or one hundred kids. YOUR life is what matters to you, your family. Follow your heart and your instincts. As someone else said, it seems like your decision is made. There's no reason not to feel wonderful about it! Enjoy your daughter, enjoy your family, enjoy your life and the balance you've found. That's a really wonderful thing!

Hi G.,
Sounds like you need to go a little easier on yourself. Your experience with pregnancy and post-partum was not the same as everyone else's, so why should your feelings about going through it again be the same as other's? As someone whose worst issue was severe fatigue and nausea for only the first three months, I can understand why you, who experinced so much worse, would feel hesitant.

But with that being said, I'll pass on what someone I admire greatly said in a talk: the best gift you can give your child is a sibling. Her main point is that then your chilren will have someone else, besides you and your husband who loves her and will be there for her, especially since the odds are that your kids will outlive you. From my own experince of having many children, I can verify that each time, my children were overjoyed to have another sibling, and I know that shoul anything happen to me, they will have each other. I also can tell you that somehow you receive an extra measure of love, patience and whatever else you need with each child. It may sound cliche, but it's true: the more love you give, the more you have. So if you can be a good mom to one, you can be a good mom to more than one.
But, like the earlier post said, that doesn't necessarily mean that you couldn't adopt.
I know that fear can be paralyzing, especially when past experience gives you reason to fear - I've been there myself. But I also know that when I allow it to control my decisions, it limits what I can achieve. I don't know if you are a person of faith or not, but that's what got me through my own rough spots.
I kept reminding myself that someone bigger was really in control, and that I had gotten through it before.
Bottom line, it's not nursing for a year, or being perfectly emotionally balanced, spending $ on them, or being available to your child 24/7 that makes you a good mom in the long run, as wonderful as those things are. It's really the love that you give your kids, as imperfect as it may be, the time you invest in them, and the way you love their dad that count the most in the long run. I think sometimes we expect too much of ourselves as moms. Anyway, sorry to ramble. I wish you the best.

Hi G.,
After reading your post, it seems to me that you have already made your decision. There is nothing wrong with having just one child. Be happy with the child that you have and enjoy life.

G.,
I am also an older mom of a 16 month old. I would
like to have another child but have some similar concerns as you. Breast feeding was a nightmare for me (couldn't do it after trying soooo hard to) the guilt of not being able to breast feed my child and then there was the post partum depression... Can I handle two and still run my business (from home)? Do I have the energy to run after 2 at my age? Etc... we are trying right now but if it doesn't happen by Feb... we are done. I wish I had more time but I don't want to risk a pregnancy when I'm over 41 (and who will have the energy to keep up???). Either decision you make, I'm sure will be the right one for you... follow your gut feelings and not what your friends are doing. Your child only needs your love, dedication and protection, he/she can make friends throughout their life...Good luck on your decision.

Wow, it sounds like you certainly had a lot of troubles with your first pregnancy that would make you hesitate to go through it all again. My 2 cents....giving your child a sibling is the best gift you can give them. It is important for any child...any adult...to know that the world does not revolve around them. Learning to share....parents, toys, chores, holidays with a sibling is a wonderful thing for anyone. Think about what will happen to that child when they are oder, when you and your husband grow older or get sick. They will have no one to lean on, no one to share that burden with and no one to share their memories or sadness with during the illness or after your death. A child will know their sibling longer than anyone else in their life in all liklihood.

A friend of mine's father recently had a stroke. He is an only child and it has become a far worse situation for him because he has no one to share the burden with...not just the physical piece of it (being with him during rehab, visiting in the hospital) but he also has no one to work out the questions of what to do next with (besides his spouse but it is different) It has been very difficult and he feels a tremendous sense of obligation because there is NO ONE else to be with his Dad. It has made it very stressful on his wife and his own children because he has to choose to be with his Dad instead of them sometimes.

I am the mother of 4 so I certainly support the idea of siblings and bigger families. I was one of 4 and yes it has its complications but as an adult my sisters are my closest confidantes, I can fight with them one day and be best friends the next. I would not trade them for the world.

It sounds like your pregnancy and post partum may be difficult and I can not imagine how tough and scary that is for you but I do believe that the 9 months or so that you sacrifice will be something your daughter will thank you for one day. Good luck with your decision

Wow G.. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
First off, I too have/had pubis synthesis disorder. Are you treating this now?
You should be proactive in your care b4 conceiving again. I am a nationally certified licensed massage therapist with a certification in Mother massage and a husband studying osteopathy. The Correct treatment for PSD is called SOT (Sacral-occipital technique) A Physical therapist, chiropractor, or osteopath that does manual manipulations should be able to do this with you. You should heal - the trick is to heal correctly - and having it in one pregnancy does not mean you will have it in all your pregnancies. Also, you should learn to use your abdominal core muscles in all your activities. Begin strengthening your core now with Pilates and such and you can use a pregnancy belt to reduce the pressure (and provide reliefto your pelvis) I am working with a mother who has this now, but did not with her first. I separated mine at the end of my 2nd pregnancy due to afall. I get the pain. It's no joke :(
Same for Post partum depression. Again, i suffered severe PPD., but just b/c you had it with the first does not mean you will suffer again. In fact, I found that I was more aware of myself the 2nd time and could easily recognize a bad day vs. signs of depression. Actually, it's been quite healing for me as a mother to NOT have PPD (although, i still struggle with some depression at times, but have found that just counseling has been a great help). I feel like I am abetter mother -not that I thought I wasn't b4 - just that I am more present and I've been able to bond with my older child and move past that PPD, b/c of having a 2nd child without the PPD.
Okay. #3. Ready? Breastfeeding is NOT the same with every baby!! Just b/c you had certain struggles the first time - does not mean you will this time! You will, again, be an experienced mom 2nd time up and probably know when to ask questions and have better questions! Take a breastfeeding class. Hook up with a good lactation consultant. Go to some Le Leche League meetings! There are great resources to help you through it all. I had a horrible time breastfeeding my 1st. I had abnormal blood clots, possible retained placenta, hormonal imbalance - the PPD - my daughter reached her birthweight at 4 weeks! It's a long story, but - oh my goodness! It was such a struggle! My whole 2nd pregnancy I would tell myself positive affirmations. "I will not have those problems with this baby. That was those problems. This is a fresh start". You know what? We started off strong. At 4 months we hit a few problems, but I knew to get as much help as possible and my prior experiences had the whole thing sorted out in side a month. Was it difficult and stressful - yes. BUT - it was different problems and not nearly as traumatic - despite being equally as severe. First time round, i think we have certain expectations, so we feel the weight of failing when things aren't perfect, but You will probably amaze yourself with the strengths that you took from it all - 2nd time around.

And your 4th concern is, i promise, silly. Your heart will never have known that it could hold so much love and You will be your best for those kids. For me it was very affirming that this is my "job" and first priority.

Ultimately, you need to be ready and you need to want it. You need to be excited about it and you need to have a team of support behind you! But, I assure you - that your fears are from your past experiences and have nothing to do with the future. Your daughter is going to grow up a lot this year, so also, keep that in mind.
Sorry that this is so long winded and direct - it just really hit close to home and I had to share openly and honestly with you.
Best of luck and peace to you!

Hi, I would just like to say, go with what u want, not just what others think or say that u "should" have 2 kids. I had one and felt the pressure of having another just cause I wanted my kid to have a playmate and everyone else I knew had more than one. I have to say now that I love my daughter w/all my heart but if I could do it over again, I would choose to have only 1 child. My son is very easy to take care of and my daughter is also a breeze but put them together and forget it. It's more than just sibling rivalry, it drives me crazy and makes me so depressed sometimes to try to deal w/them all day. 1 is alot easier and u are not missing out on anything by only having 1. My son always says he wishes he was an only child too.

All great reasons to not get pregnant again. A second child is wonderful too and beneficial, I think, to your first child. I'd suggest adopting or try a surrogate. dont put yourself through that pain again.

hey G.,

as mom of an 18 mth and a 1mth old, lets just say its hard work,at this point i need help to do everyday things, my spouse is at work most of the day so im mostly alone, im 30 so i decided this is what i had to do to have my family, i knew it wouldnt be easy, i had diabeties through my pregnancy, had to have daily shots and be a nutristionist to myself all the while raising my 1 yr old at the time, but i made the choice to do it, its totally up to u, your the one who has to go through it, if u have a network of family and friends who can help, by all means take it, if not may be u should rethink, i also suffered with a bit of depression and had no one to talk to, it just takes away the joy of having your babies, having a support system of family or friends is a must. goodluck

I think your hesitation makes perfect sense. If you are painfully crippled and suicidal throughout pregnancy and post-partum, it is right to really assess whether it is worth it to you and your family to consciously go into such a state. One could say not to do so would be totally irresponsible! Yes, siblings are a wonderful gift, but at what cost?

While adoption could be a great solution given your physical constraints, you have to really want it. It's obviously a huge decision and commitment...noble, rewarding and wonderful, and with its own set of unique and very real life long challenges.

If you are going to try to birth #2 with all the complications you present, you need to get really practical where you can.

Make a plan. Can you get help? Can you afford a nanny for during your pregnancy and after? If not, are there relatives nearby or friends who could commit to help you --like on a schedule for a long time? Can someone live with you temporarily? Call in your lifelines! Get specific about what you need. If there is no one to help? That would be tough. I would weigh my decision heavily on this factor. Every new mother needs support and especially those with special needs.

That practical stuff said, meditate from your heart on why #2 is important to you. It doesn't need to "make sense" logically to have another child. Some things are beyond reason. Children are part of the great mystery. If you just know in your heart that your family needs another child to be complete, if you see that child in your life, then nothing will stop that child from arriving. Make a plan to help yourself and your family and then surrender to the process. The help will be there and a child will come to you; you will muster the reserved strength required and in about three years or so the intense experience will probably be mostly over. In 20 years, it won't even matter. BUT if you are wanting #2 because you think you should or you worry your daughter won't be happy without a sibling, maybe these very real and serious constraints are here to help you see that it's truly not what is right for your family. I can't believe that it is always right to have more than one child. You and your husband have to figure out the lesson here.

This is the stuff that makes us strong! You have it in you to make a good decision. Much love to you and your family.

Hi G.,
It sounds like you really did not have the best pregnancy experience and I'm actually surprised that you're definitely considering having another.
I know that the vast majority of couples have more than one child, but there's nothing wrong with having one and I think you should at least consider it. My husband and I had our son 8 years ago and have not conceived again, not due to lack of trying, but it just hasn't happened. It took me a while to get used to the idea of having one, but we're totally thrilled with what wonderful person our son is. It's extraordinarily satisfying and wonderful to pour all of our love and devotion into him, including an expensive private school that we wouldn't be able to afford otherwise.
I just want you to know that having one can be an option for you!
Hope you figure this all out,
E. K. :-)

It sounds to me like a lot of your concerns are less about a second baby and more about a second pregnancy. Have you considered adoption? Going that route might also help alleviate some of the pressure you feel to rush into number 2 as a "older mom." I have 2 biological children, but am strongly encouraging my husband to consider adoption in the future (he's a little reluctant, but we're not in a rush to have more).

To point 4, I think that all moms are worried about how there will be enough of them to go 'round when another kid is added to the mix. I can only speak for myself in that I think that I actually became a better mom when I had my second. I was more laid back and relaxed and just able to enjoy the parenting experience more. (Easy for me to say - both my kids are napping now!)

Hope this was helpful. Good luck with your decision.

1st your not the only hesitant Mom. I have 2 and am VERY comfortable and content with my family. I always wanted a big family so this is out of charecter for me. Hubby decided he wanted more...like 4 or whatever God gave us. This was very hard for me. I go on a yearly retreat with my mother and don't want to miss that experience and growth I get each year. Then I have a scrapbooking weekend we do also. I was the black sheep of the family growing up...now I'm the prided daughter who tries her best at everything...especially doing what's right for my entire family. So for me to let go of these things I do to connect more with my Mom, is extremely hard. I am now pregnant so it's reality now. My reasons are completely selfish to yours. I told you this to hopefully help you feel better about your very good reasons for hesitation.
Those things I can imagine are to go through. I'm not sure I would even have left it open for consideration. Adoption would have been my answer to this. We may still adopt when times are better though. I love the idea of giving someone a chance at a better life than what they would normally be stuck in. I think there is nothing anyone can say or do to take these hesitations away. It must be a personal thing.
On a good note. I never had post partum with 1 and had it severely with the next. So each and every pregnancy and child is different. The next time your body can have learned what to do and how things work, so breastfeeding could be a completely different experience as well. The dislocation of the pubic bone, I know nothing about and can't touch on that. I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. This is a big decision.

Hi G.,

I had my son when my daughter was 23 months old. It was very hard. She was still so much of a baby. I was really miserable and unable to produce much breastmilk because I was so stressed and tired. I think if you can wait until your first child is over 3 it is much better. Around 3 yrs 6-8 months they become "mommy's little helper" and want to do things to please you. My daughter is now 3 yrs 11 month and dresses herself in the AM, pretty much independent with the potty and even brushes her teeth with minimal assistance. She can go to the fridge and get herself a juice box. I think it would have been so much better having another one now. The other thing that is really stressful about having another baby with a child under 3 is the lack of respect for other's rest/sleep (yours, the new baby's). If you do decide to have another one before your daughter is over 3 make sure you have some good help (i.e. a teenage mother's helper). Also, it is true that they second pregnancy is immensely more taxing on your body. After my daughter I was feeling pretty good but after my son I am definitely needing a tummy tuck! Despite it all it was worth it of course!! Hope this helps! -J.