Think I'm Just About to Give Up! Moving Again??

Did you know all this moving was a possibility when you got married? I only ask because I knew going into my marriage that moving for my husband's job was going to happen often. We have been married 10 years and have moved six times including twice overseas. Moving so much causes a lot of strain on a relationship especially the wife who usually has to coordinate the move because the husband is busy with the new job. Throw kids into the mix and it can become even more stressful. Even if you didn't know about all this moving when you got married you still need to both sit down and talk about this. He needs to know how you are feeling and you need to discuss how this is all affecting your marriage. You both have to be in agreement about where you are going to move, how long you plan to be there and utlimetly where you want to settle down. Obviously family is important to you and you need to convey that to your husband as well. Don't sit silent and be depressed let him know about all of this. Marriage is a partnership.

3 moms found this helpful

I dunno B.... I kinda understand why your husband gets annoyed and angry at you on this topic. You say that you're happy with your dicision to give up your carreer and be a SAHM, but in reality you're not content with his efforts to take care of you and provide for the family. He is, after all, the one who is solely shouldering the responsibility to feed, clothe and shelter you and the children. It sounds like he is trying his darnest to keep steady employment and advance his salary opportunities for the good you and the children. And he hears that you're not appreciating it.

Finding a job every 12-18 months isn't easy either. There's a lot of stress that comes with figuring out how to relate with a new boss, coworkers, company environment...

Secondly, very soon you will have 3 children under the age of 5. You've got significant formula and diaper costs onthe horizon. Honestly, the absolute LAST thing I would be considering is divorce. How would you even afford divorce and everything that comes with a single mother's lifestyle right now? Once divorce is finalized, you'll be expected to go back to work... Child support won't cover your expenses too; his health care (from his employment) would extend to cover the children, but not you; and you haven't been married 10 years, so you probably won't get any spousal support. So, you'll have to get a job--keep in mind, the divorce court may not allow you to move out of state (back to your family) and away from the children's father--and the cost for 3 children in FT daycare will be staggering!

And we haven't even touched upon the cost of the divorce itself... Most divorced people whom I know say it cost them at least $25,000-$35,000 in attorney fees. And most request a retainer fee up front. If you're not employed now and he's not abusive or cheating, I honestly don't know why you'd consider divorce. Seriously girlfriend... not realistic.

If you feel isolated and lonely, then make the effort to gather friends and get to know people wherever you are. You've dug yourself into this hole by agreeing to be a SAHM, by having 3 kids in 3 years. And it wouldn't surprise me if you have some post-partum depression. But these are the hard years. Having just 1 child under the age of 5 is demanding on a marriage; you'll have 3! But I truly think divorcing will probably make things even harder for yourself.

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You and you're husband need to get on the same page. It sounds like you are supporting him in advancing in his career. And in the meantime, you are lonely and isolated. It's not fair for only one person to be making sacrifices. I would gently explain that you want him to have opportunities, and you want to support him. But in the meantime, you are home alone with kids with little opportunity to get out and meet people. Being a SAHM is a blessing, but can also drive you insane if you have no outlet. At some point, your husband should realize that you want to settle somewhere where your kids can build longterm friendships, you can have a family home etc. There must be a compromise here. He sounds a little selfish at this point. Stand your ground a little, and just let him know that marriage is a partnership. Your wants and needs should be considered here too, not just his.

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I haven't experienced any of the moving that you describe. But I do have a few things I think you should consider. If I do the math correctly, you were either pregnant when you married or got pregnant just after. How long did you know your husband before getting married? Did you really get a chance to know each other and what your goals and dreams were before having a child? Why do you need to make all these moves? Is it due to the economy? Does hubby have some type of specialty, if that's the case you knew this when you got married? Why move to OH when both of you know that's not where you want to be?

It's very difficult to raise children without the support and help of family and friends. Why can't he find a job near family? Is it possible for you to spend a week or two with family, or have them come stay with you for a visit?

Why do you keep having children one right after the other when your family life is so unsettled and you're even letting the thought of divorce enter your mind? I'm completely against the staying together for the sake of the kids idea, when divorce is inevitable. However, that isn't the case in this situation. It's time for you and hubby to sit down and discuss what you want and need from your relationship and more important, what you want and need for your children. Maybe it's time for some marraige counseling or if hubby's not agreeable, go by yourself.

As far as the depression goes, you really need to discuss this with your doctor. He/she can work with you to determine if your suffering from true depression or just lonliness and stress. Together you can determine a treatment plan that is right for you.

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Man I feel for you but you just can't bail on your husband and children.
I understand your frustration, but you are getting the opportunity to stay at home and raise your children and that's a big plus for the kids.
I can undersatnd you wanting to spend time with your elderly mom, maybe you can arrange for some vacation time for you and the kids to go there.
I know it is considered old fashioned now, but the husband is supposed to be the breadwinner and the wife stay at home and nurture the children. I wish I could have stayed at home when my kids were growing up instead of always having to put them with a babysitter so I could go to work.

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Hi Bridgit,
I would suggest really talking with your husband. Let him know how lonely you feel. Men are slow you have to spell it out.
If Neveda is where you want to end up because it is good for the whole family put a timeline in place. Let him know you want to settle down in one place when you first child enters school so you can get involved in the school"s activities (and you make your own friends) and your children can make "good" friends. Also, maybe you can work it out so you (by yourself if that is what you need) can take a long weekend to visit your family back home.
I hope it all works out for you. Best Wishes!

1 mom found this helpful

Obviously you are going through a lot right now. Being pregnant doesn't help with the hormones out of wack. You need to sit down and have a good conversation with your husband and share with him your feelings and your concerns. Maybe you should talk to your ob/gyn and see if he can recommend a good mediator or counselor. With your emotions the way they are you may say or do something you will regret. Maybe you need to go to a counselor for yourself to help you process all the feeling that are bombarding you.

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I am in your same boat...Moved 2 time for my hubbys job and I dont make friends because I know the NEXT move will be the 'permanent' one and it never is. HOWEVER that being said, moving to FL which is where you want to go because that is where you met, I say GO FOR IT...get to FL because there is NOOOOO garuntees that he would even get his bosses job or (2) he may not even like the job. However if he doesnt like a job, I dont think uprooting and moving to a new state is the answer. I say go and then cross that moving to NV bridge when it comes up.
you sound pretty down in the dumps too and it sounds you have ZERO time for yourself. you should try to get your hubby to give you ONE DAY per month (thats not asking much since you are taking the other 29 or 30) so you can go do something with a friend, by yourself, but just to get out of the house.
Good luck and keep that chin up.you ARE a good mom. Its obvious how your post is written and want the best for everyone ....even at the cost of your happiness.
Good luck

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I think it is important for your marriage that the two of you go to a marriage counselor. They can help you talk things through and get on the same page. If your husband won't join you, then in the words of Ann Landers, go alone and get some things figured out. You sound depressed, stressed and lonely. Look for a mom's group in the area. Or Parents' Day out Program. You can leave your child in this program once a week or so, and get some much needed time alone, even if it's just to sleep. Won't make you a bad mom to have someone watch your kids for a few hours once a week. A mom's group would give you some companionship with playdates you could take your kids on, and some mom time. Just google MOPS, Mother's and More, or just mom's groups. You are sure to find something near you. Being with other moms, with and without your children can make a world of difference for your psyche. Another option might be to hire a teen for a few hours a couple of times a month. You could start my using her in the house while you got some things done so you could be more comfortable with her. Then you could get some time away, maybe go to a movie, etc.
Hang in there. LIfe will get better. Find the humor in everything. Maybe if you don't get pregnant again, you won't move : ) (you said each of the other pregnancies brought a move)
If nothing else, reach out to us anytime you need to.
R.

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I went through something similar with the father of my children. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about your feelings of being isolated. When the two of you talked (in the beginning) did you know that you would be uprooting every couple of years? Probably not. With me, all of our moving around went on before I had our children. He has a right to his own feelings, BUT, not the right to get angry with you when you try to talk to him about how all of this is making you feel. I obviously don't know the whole story. Marriage is a partnership. Sometimes, at different points in a relationship, one partner will carry more than the other, that is life. Although, as your life together goes on, it should average out evenly. It should not be all one sided. And it sounds like that's what you are feeling. Don't be embarassed to break down on the phone with your family. Do talk to your family, you need the support and wisdom of your parents and/or any siblings. They may have a suggestion that could help you and your husband work this out together. I have one important question to ask. Does your husband ACTUALLY HELP in the care and raising of your children. You know, does he change diapers (with the babies) on a regualr basis? Does he help with feeding them, babies and older? Does he help at bath time? Or, is he like my children's father and has very little other than playing with on occasion, to do with them while they are babies and toddlers. If he does not help, Why The Hell Not?

I ended up resenting my children's father because he rarely did any of this. I could not even go visit with a neighbor sans baby and preschooler for more than a half an hour. After 30 minutes he would be calling my cell to come home. If I tried to ignore he calls, after another 15 minutes he would be knocking on the door with kids in tow to "dump" them on me so he could take off with a particular neighbor and "get away." The difference between his "get away" and mine? He would be gone for a MINIMUM of 3 hours. You can see why I became resentful. I decided that my kids did not need a mom feeling like I did. It wasn't fair to them, or me. There was obviously more wrong with our relationship than I've mentioned here and I have my own faults.

My sisters both have said that being too forgiving has been one of my faults. Putting your children first is a given. But, Always putting your partner first, is not healthy and begging for trouble. Even with children, you have to occassionally do something for yourself. Even if it's just one night a month alone to yourself or out with friends/acquaintances. I am currently with my high school sweetheart and he does help me where my children's father did not then and does not now. We do have plans to marry soon.

DO MAKE FRIENDS. Moving around so much, most will not be "close" friends. But do not miss out on the ones that you will remain in contact with no matter how many times or how far you move. I have two good friends in Arkansas where I lived for about 8 yrs. Another friend I met after I moved back home to Ohio and we both had temp jobs in different departments at a financial institution. Last summer, she moved back to Michigan. I talk with the first two every couple of months. The last one I talk with every couple of weeks.

If he can't stop being angry when you try to talk to him about the situation and actually listen to how you are feeling, things do not look good. You also, once he actually starts talking with you and not getting angry at you, must listen to what he has to say. That is part of how you'll have a chance of working things out and staying together.

Oh, yes. A military wife (in answer to Kelly R) has to expect to spend a great deal of time moving around the world and/or long periods of time without her husband around to actually "help out." Though, when he is home, he should still be a partner in the marriage! That is part and parcel of a military marriage and like the military, NOT EVERYONE is cut out for it. The same goes for police and emergency worker spouses. There are certain inherent hardships with a spouse in such and similar careers. You make no indication of being a military wife or of having had the expectation from the beginning to be constantly moving around the country for the majority of your marriage.

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I'm the kind that loves moving... new places, new people... it's a grand and exciting adventure to me. Of course, I'm a military brat and grew up moving every 2 years. I'm VERY close to my family... but my family is spread out across the world. We phone and skype and visit... so there's really no distance between us at all in my heart. Ditto with friends. In fact, I tend to see friends MORE because we're far apart (1 hour every week or every few weeks squashed in between soccer practice and dinner... or at a park where 90% of my attention is on my kiddo... just doesn't equate a 2 week visit and talking daily on the phone to me). Or even better the 1-2 month visits. LOVE those.

Which sounds about the exact opposite of you.

A condition of OUR marriage is that we DO get to travel and move. My DH drags his feet a bit about it (he already turned down a 1 year job in Ireland and a 6 month stint in Portugal and a 2 year job in Hawaii for god knows why... that's only in the last 18mo). But if a condition in our marriage is that we travel and move... I see no reason why a condition of another couple's be that they stay put.

I CAN say that if my DH decided that was it, he was staying put and not budging another inch... it would cause some extreme problems for ME. I despise staying put. Loathe. Hate. Abhor it. We've done it... and I had 2 choices: figure out a way to make myself happy, or divorce.

I found that while traveling is a LOT more expensive than moving, and doesn't have anywhere near the satisfaction of moving (because you rarely get to form friendships in a month)... it satisfies the itch. My mum (who very much enjoyed moving... dad in the navy) had the be-near-family itch. So every summer after school let out, we flew from wherever we were and spent the summer at my grandparents.

There are ways around problems. They aren't usually perfect, but IMHO it's worth at least trying them first before throwing in the towel.

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Oh my. You are in a tough situation! We moved 12 hours away from my family (had been 2.5 hrs which was a quick drive) when our oldest just turned 4 and our youngest was 18 mths. It was tough the first couple of years but we've been here for 4 years and are settling in. Your oldest is almost ready for preschool. You may meet other moms there. I strongly encourage you to join MOPS. They usually meet in a church but you absolutely don't need to belong to that church. Mothers Of PreSchoolers is what MOPS stands for. The kids get together and you and the moms get to talk. I'm not saying you'll be strong friends with all of the moms but you'll probably make a good friend or two. Also when my son started kindergarten and I began the PTO I became good friends with a couple of ladies.
As for you and your husband...You aren't going to solve anything if you aren't talking. It's rough when you don't want to be in a place and your husband doesn't understand it. Find a good counselor and go! If your husband won't go with you, go on your own so you can learn how to talk to your husband and figure out what you want in life. Good luck.

I will start by saying that if you want a sympathetic answer you will not be getting one from me. I have been married to my husband for the last 9 years. In those 9 years we have moved 9 times. Last year alone we moved three times. We also have 3 children. My husband is in the military and we have to go where they tell us. We do not have a choice of where we are going. I know that every 2 -3 years I will be forced to pick up our lives and move somewhere that I know no one. I know that it may be across country or overseas and who knows how far from any family.
You need to talk to your friends and family. My two best friends I have known over half my life. I talk to each of them on a daily basis and although I only get to see them about every six months, it helps to talk to them about things and know that they are there for me. You also need to sit down with your husband, without getting mad, and just explain things to him. I know that my husband instantly goes on the defensive if I raise my voice. If I sit down and just have a conversation about how I am feeling it usually ends up going a lot smoother and it's easier to communicate. Lastly, don't give up on making friends just because you may be moving soon. I am a strict believer that everyone comes into your life for a reason. If you keep yourself from meeting new people just cause you don't want to have to say goodbye then you may miss out on some amazing people, friendships, or opportunities.
I wish you luck and would also like to say, although it may sound harsh, that if you are contemplating divorce over the fact that you have moved so much, it makes me question if you really ment the vows that you took. Marriage is work a nd if you aren't willing to work at it in order to stay together then perhaps you should not have gotten married to begin with.

with the economy the way it is I say move but I would also put my foot down. He needs to settle down before the kids start school period. or he will be moving without you. If he continues to bounce locations the kids will be unstable when they become adults. my other halfs dad was a preacher that moved alot and it is very hard for him to stay put in one area. He has been here 4 yrs and that is a record for him.

Also all schools have diffrent requirements. if you change when they are in school it can make them graduate at a later age. So tell him to get it out of his system before the kids start school PERIOD.

Sometimes moving to get a better job is the only option. I don't think that it is going to affect the children at this age. Are you angry because you thought the move would be to Florida and you do not want to move to Nevada? You first said that you were happy that it was in FL, but you missed family in NY. We have moved several times (all for my husbands job as well), I understand what you mean about living somewhere that doesn't feel like home. You need to figure out why you are so angry about it....is it because you wanted to be in FL. If yes, then he needs to tell them now that moving to Nevada is not an option. If you want to be closer to NY...then now is the time that he looks for a job closer to your family if that is an option.

He's angry at you because you don't want to keep moving for him? He sounds very selfish.

I hope that you are done having children, though I realize that doesn't sound very nice to say. He should treat you better. He doesn't because you are not as important to him as you should be.

I recommend you have couples counseling. He really needs it, B., and you do too.

D.

Dear B.,

I could have written parts of your post, but I only have 2 kids and they are spaced a little farther apart. We have now lived here for almost 12 years (married for 23.5). Prior to here we lived in 5 cities, 6 dwellings (in one city, both a rental house, then a bought house). All moves were due to his job changes/layoffs. Even though I was consulted on all of them, and agreed to go (sometimes not much of a choice really--no local jobs to be had), it was still very hard dealing with all the moves (even before having the kids; I remember working at one job, not calling in when I wasn't going to be there one day, and being surprised that anyone cared about where I was--I felt so unimportant).

I think some people are just more affected by moving than others.

I also don't think the analogy to the military applies here. If you join the military or marry someone in it, you know from the get-go that you may very well move a lot. It doesn't sound like you guys planned it that way.

Doesn't he worry about job-hopping and how it will look on his resume? MAybe it is not as much of a concern now as when I was growing up.

You mentioned not wanting to try to make friends in Ohio because this may not be your permanent home. I understand that; I got so tired of always being the one to make the first move, the 2nd, the 3rd, 4th etc in initiating friendships. It got real tiresome after awhile. But having said that, I say go for any friendship you can get--superficial, deep, or some mixture of the two. You never know how friendships will evolve, either--what seems superficial may become deeper later in your life.

BTW, I am in Ashtabula, northeast corner of Ohio. Where is Homerville? I'd be willing to meet for coffee. PM me if we're close.

The advice about checking out Moms' groups, hiring a teen, getting DH to take the kiddos one day a month, etc--that's all good. You need some "me"time (especially if he is getting some). And you can look at it as Daddy-child bonding time.

You sound seriously depressed, maybe partly because of the wacko pregnancy hormones; but could be partly /mostly from the other stuff too. Not to mention fatigue--I hope you are taking good care of yourself? Counseling could help both you and your DH, I would definitely look into it before seriously considering divorce. And as someone said, if he won't go, go by yourself.

Prayer doesn't hurt either, and don't be afraid to mention it to your family.

Take care of yourself, and good luck!

K. Z.

that exact thing happened to me since we got married. we're on our 5th move in 7 year marriage. all of them were ahrd. all of them were due to my husbands job and i hated all of them except the one previous to this last one. now we're in NY, and we just cannot seem to adjust.
i actually hate it. now, i don't have family in this country, but my problems were starting anew every other year or every year, kids and i are sick of it. and my husband now feel s bad. my career has been put on backburner due to constant moves and having children.
i have but my foot down. i will say ok one more time if the move is out of NY, but if it is further up north or behind God's back, we're done. i am done with starting fresh, trying to meet people, keeping a happy face around my kids even though i hate the surrounding.
i suggest you talk to him about FL and then eliminating nevada. if i were you i wouldn't want to move to Nevada. I like florida, i think you will have plenty of things to do with kids and certainly less expensive than NY, or OH. but discuss with him wat does he want? waht is his ultimate goal and where will you settle down for a few years.
as for moving to NY, if there are no jobs for you or him then you can't move. this state is depressingly expensive. so sit tight and decide you both what is it going to be to hold the family together and him getting happy with a position in a certain place and not move every time he feels like sneezing.

I am so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I can certainly empathize. Don't rush into divorce or anything like that. It doesn't make anything better.
Think about it. You have married and started a new family unit. Your role now since you are a stay at home mom is to be supportive of your family, your husband's career. Moving is one of the most stressful things in life. Yes I know. I have moved plenty and it is a lot of work and starting over. But look on the bright side. You are young. Don't think about settling down in one place on earth and that's it for life. There is more to life than that. Start by changing your mindset. It's exciting. New place, new people to meet. Widen your horizon. It doesn't mean abandoning your mom, relatives and friends. Have them come over, enjoy their company when you can. But right now your focus should be on your little ones and your husband's career. With most people worried about retrenchment, I think your husband is glad he has a job, being offered jobs and moving along instead of being stagnant in one job. Life changes, go with the flow. When your kids start preschool and kindergarten, there will be even more social opportunities to explore. That's how I forge friendships. Otherwise, check the neighborhood playgroups, mom and toddler groups etc. Oh, you have so much to look forward to if you would only think more positively. Get someone to help you with the moving though because you would want to take care of yourself since you are also pregnant with your 3rd child.
Loneliness can get us down and I think most moms with small children battled this. I know I did. My older son is now 12 and younger son is 17 months old. Since I met my husband, we have moved 12 times. Asia, Europe, US, Asia again,I am now set for my next move to another part of Asia in exactly a month' s time. Just when I thought my social life would perk up, my little one kept me home feeling isolated for a while. I also did not want to expose my younger toddler to the wild panic of H1N1 and other viruses that were around not too long ago. It's ok. It will pass. I am sad to leave but I look forward to the next chapter of my life. New people to meet and since this is the life of expats, I cannot think in terms of settling down in one place and not move anymore. Please don't think I am being patronizing. I totally empathize. Unless you are saying you don't love your husband anymore, don't even go down the road of divorce. It will only worsen whatever you are feeling. It's not a solution. Be supportive, He has a job. We are very thankful my husband still has a job in this economy. We know of many expats who are being sent home because of retrenchment.
I don't know if I am of any help, but please don't despair. Think happy thoughts and don't let the process of life get you down. when we don't feel anymore then we are no longer alive.
Bless you.