They Won't Listen!

E.- I know youve gotten lots of responses but I want to share this with you. I am reading a GREAT book right now called NEw Parent Power by John Rosemond and I have started using his techniques with GREAT success.

Try a "ticket" method. Make each of your children 3 or 4 tickets (or however many you prefer) out of some card stock. Beofre you go to a store or in public sit them down and give them their "tickets" to hold onto. Spell out the rules, keep it simple such as, "stay with mommy" "no fighting" "no whining or begging" or whatever your three big issues are. Then tell them that every time they do one of these things you will take a ticket from them- no warnings or second chances just take one. If they lose all of their tickets they must spend the remainder of the day in their room until dinner time and bed. They must have at least one ticket left when you leave to aviod this. It may sound a little harsh but I assure you- one day in the room and the behavior will change. BUT you must be prepared for them to test to see if this is really a "rule" or not. If they lose their tickets and you do not follow through then its not really a rule and the method wont work (this goes for just about everything though..). Its so simple and it really works. Your 16 month old is a little too young but certainly not the three year old. I just wanted to share with you because before I found this I had a TERRIBLE time with my kids. Offering rewards never worked because they could really care less if I buy them something or get them ice cream ya know.. anyway- hope you are doing better. I am a military wife myself so I know how hard it can be. Hang in there!
S.

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E.,

It sounds like you and your children need the tapes "How to Win at Parenting, without Beating Your Child." My sister turned me on to this tape when my kids were close to where your kids are now. Bottom line, make sure what you say is what you will do. However hard, you have to have a backbone. I have left restaurants and had the food wrapped up before it was served because the kids were having a hard time. You have to set the rules before you go shopping, give them the list to hold and help. But YOU HAVE TO LEAVE IF THEY MISBEHAVE. My kids know that when I say no, it means no. I don't believe in bribes...that only adjusts the behavior for that short time. There is so much to say, but if you can get the tape or cd and listen to it, I think it will help. I listened to it over and over again. I always heard something new.

I really don't ever feel like I have to yell at my kids. I realized I was yelling because I felt out of control, that is why they are acting out. They want your attention. Talk to them like you want to be talked to. I know this is heavy and not a quick fix...but when I teacher who is just having a child asked me how my kids turned out the way they are I told him about the tape. He said out of all the kids that he has taught for eleven years he wants his kids to be like mine. Get the tape. Good luck being consistent and setting up logical consequences.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, E.. Read "Dare to Discipline" and/or "Bringing Up Boys" both by Dr. James Dobson. YOU'LL BE SO GLAD YOU GOT A HANDLE ON THIS NOW, while your children are little. You have to discipline consistently at home, because you can't just "shift gears" to discipline when you're out, and let them be wild and disobedient at home. My husband had an overnight visit to the home of some friends who had TEN children, and he commented that you wouldn't even know there were kids in the house, they were so well-behaved. The parents are firm, and loving. Find an older woman in your church who has done a good job of raising children, and who can mentor you. Disciplining your kids is something you LEARN to do---I sure wasn't born knowing how. In the beginning, they don't know what you're up to, and think you won't stick with it. They will try to wear you down. There could come a time when your children's lives depend on their obedience, like in an emergency, or if a car was coming toward them, etc. YOU CAN DO IT, E.. Pray about it too! There's some good parenting advice in the Bible, but it's not in fashion today!
Wommy

My first instinct is that if they aren't listening to you, but they do listen to your husband, then I'm guessing it's something that you do or don't do that is the reason. I"m not perfect by any means - please don't take this the wrong way. I think that whatever you choose to do, just be consistent. Do it the same way every time and don't get mad. I like to use the 1, 2, 3 counting method. This works well for my kids. A great book is "1,2,3 Magic." When I'm out, I do time-outs just like I do at home. These are particularly mortifying for my kids because other people are seeing them get into trouble. We also have a tough time in the car - they think I can't do anything because I'm driving. So, I've been known to pull over and put them in a time-out on the side of the road. I only do this in a safe place, like in a parking lot or something. Now, my kids are older - 3 1/2 and almost 6. Whatever you choose to do, just be consistent. Believe me, I have trouble in this area too!

You seem to have a lot of things to deal with, and being alone to deal with it can't be easy. Something you might try is having a friend meet you at the store (covertly of course) and park next to your car when you have gone into the store. If your children have been explained to that if they don't behave, that you will take them to the car.....do it, but your friend will be there watching the car (covertly) to make sure the little ones are ok.....but you can lock them in and go back to your shopping. I have heard this is a very good lesson for them, and shows them Mommy means business and will do what she says (but they are safe, even though they don't know that) because your friend is right there watching over them. (obviously I would not do this with the baby, but the older child it may work very well for).

There are several perenting techniques you can use with your children, and I would suggest looking them up. My hubby & I use a mixture of them.

1. Love & Logic
2. Total Transformation Parenting
3. Growing Kids Gods' Way

Every child is different, and different techniques work with different kids. I have a "silently angry" kid, an argumentative kid, and a wanna be with mom all the time kid. So we have to use a wide variety of parenting techniques for our kids, but the biggest thing is that your kids need to respect you, and if they're behaving like this, they don't respect you.

I would also suggest that you and your hubby have some good talks about how you want to parent the kids when you're together, so that you're both on the same page. I hope this helps, and I hope you find what works best with your kids. :)
S.

Hello E.,
my name is C. i have 3 little girls I also am 24, and just got married, i was a single mom with 3 girls the oldest is 5, and then almost 3, and the yungest is 15 months.
I know what you are going through even now my husband works long days 7 days a week and we are traveling. I dont know why but you are right it is a lot harder getting them to mind when daddy is not around,I know i felt guilty that daddy wasnt here so i did what i could to make them happy and i never felt like it was enough.. I think they know we are trying to make them happy so they will push us as far aas they can. I remember leaving a basket full at the store so upset and frustrated with them i just wanted to get out of there,and sit in my car and cry,feeling like a horibal mom! well I think they now we feel bad and we give in. so i know it is imbarising but dont give them everything they want, just love them and have patience with them. it is hard on them but it is really hard on moms doing it alone. make them earn what they get. my kids still act like that but it will take time, hang in there you are a good mom and it takes a lot to take care of them alone. good luck with your family.

Do you have any family around that can help you, If not the best thing I could tell you to do is make a fun game out of it when your in walmart like you can do I spy with your 3 year old or even do nursery rhyms. I used to give my children warning and if they did not listen they would have something taken away that they are really attatched to

Hi E.,

I feel your pain. I have a 2 1/2 yr old who doesn't like to listen to me. I'll share with you what I'm doing and what's working for me and maybe it will help you. However, I know every child is different and to some degree you have to figure out what makes each one "tick" and how to use that to your advantage.
I'll preface this by saying my daughter listens to my husband A LOT more than she does to me, which makes it even more frustrating for me. I came to realize (with the help of my husband) that I was not being as consistant and I thought I was being and admitting that, and changing that, has been what's helped me most. I've also learned being consistant with discipline at home causes her to behave better in public places because she knows I mean what I say and I'm not just making idle threats.
What I do at home is give her one warning when she's doing something I don't approve of (no matter how big or small the issue is). If she doesn't obey me after the warning, she goes to the corner immediately for 2-3 min. If she leaves the corner, I put her back (sometimes over and over) until she stays there. Once the time is up, I make her look me in the eye and tell me why I put her in the corner. If she doesn't know, I explain it to her and then she must say she's sorry and then we hug and go on about our day. It was hard at first, lots of crying, etc when she'd be put in the corner, but it has worked wonders for her behavior. When we are in public, I tell her she's had a warning and that I can find a corner for her to go in if I need to, and so far it's worked like a charm and I haven't actually had to put her in the corner in public. Being consistant with every single thing is the hardest part but it's what they need. Also, I do not recommend bribing them with toys or candy (or whatever) to get good behavior because then they expect it every time. Good behavior should be the expectation at all times. I do think it's okay to reward good behavior in certain situations...for example, we had to wait over an hr for a dr appt and she played very well and didn't throw a tantrum so after the appt. I bought her a special drink (she's loves "bug juice" you can get at the gas station) and told her it was because she behaved so well while we waited. Good luck! I know it's got to be very hard being a "single mom" for half the year, but you can do it!

E., this is the problem with having two kids so close together, coupled with the absense of Dad!

We have all gone through this with kids this age. Basically they don't mind all the time- but what does work is actually leaving the store or restaurant because of bad behaviour. You have to be prepared to do this and then actually follow through. Follow-though is one of the most important things you can do with kids. Don't threaten to do anything unless you are prepared to BACK IT UP. ALso, tell yourself that you can handle it. Believe it or not, kids DO want boundaries and they like to know the rules. It makes them feel smarter.
In the meantime, try to find someone to keep one of them occasionally when you shop. It will pass so don't worry too much, just get consistent and do what you say you will do.

First off thanks to you both for your husbands service and your hanging in there. I think you need a break. Do you have anyone in your area that you trust to watch them once and a while. I have started going to do my big shopping at night after the kids are in bed and dad stays at home with them. It is nice and peaceful and no crowds. Now if you do this then you won't have to take them in for long times into a store. I have found that if you make them helpers and make it into a big game and make them feel like they are soooo big to help you out. We all leave a little happier. However it does take longer getting through. I might ask my oldest to pick out all the yellow things he sees or my youngest to point to a circle. We also don't step on the cracks, remember that game? I let them pick out what we will have for dinner or just stuff like that. My kids are WILD children and I am constantly on them about being good and using their manners and such. What I have learned over my short time of being a mom is that EVERYONE"s kids act up once and a while at least. They know what buttons to push and they will push them if you show fear. Haha, Keep them safe and know that anyone who has had a child knows what you are going though.

E., honey, I feel your pain! My hubby is also in the military and gone most of the time, and then even when he is home he is busy at the squadron or doing some type of schooling the military is insistant on. We have 4 "wonderful" children, ages 9yrs, 5yrs, and 2 1/2 yr twins. They are pleasant children when we are both gone, but bring one of us into the mix, and they act up. Now, when dad is gone, I do a lot of yelling unfortunately, but have learned since the twins to rely on the military family and take those services provided..."parents nite out" if your base offers it, and such things like that. Also I have had to rely on my friends for sanity...just take the time to go have coffee or lunch with a friend, get a haircut, while another watches your kids, or if you must take that necessary trip to the store. Even if it is once a week, 2X a month, 1X a month while hubby is deployed or tdy, it will help your relationship with the kids to have some down time to just think of yourself, even for just an hour.
Keep in mind if you have "me" time to relax, your patience with the kids is better. Remember what ages they are, and it sounds like your 16month old might be having separation anxiety...especially if dad is in and out tdy. It is always worse right after dad leaves and then the couple of weeks before he is due back in because of the knowing he is due back in.
Try with your 3yr old, making a calendar to mark the days off until daddy gets home. This always helped our oldest, not the middle, and the twins haven't gotten into it either, but it is worth a try. We also put special events on the calendar and share it with dad so he can remember to mention it to the kids thru phonecalls/emails/cards, and helps put him into their daily lives still. If you have a few special events(day at zoo, park, whatever), to look forward to, I have always been able to hold behavior over their heads for that...you don't behave, you don't get the priveledge of going,etc.
I am sorry your hubby is gone, it does get better as they get older, but as I am finding out, those things we think are bad now, are replaced by something different just as annoying later on down the road.
Hang in there and look to your military family close to you if you do not have your immediate family close. We have lived far and wide, across the ocean, and are now closer to family than ever...my hubby has been in 15yrs, however, even at 3hours away from family, we don't find the time to see them. But we are still very close with several couples/families from that first base way back when.
Take care and hope some of it helps.
J.

Hi E.,
Well I have a few suggestions myself so here it goes.

The 1st thing if you don't already have a good schedule for you and your kids. I'm a home child care provider and having a routine can do wonders so incase you do cool and if you don't then here is mine. By the way I have 4 kids ages 16 yrs, 7 yrs, 3 yrs, and 14 months.

6:30 am I get up and get dressed and ready for the day.
7:00 am I get breakfast started
Once breakfast is cooked and cooling down I get the kids up and dressed.
7:30 am We eat
8:00 am I get the kitchen cleaned up and ready for us to start our day. The kids have morning free time. They watch t.v usually till 9:00 am
8:30 am getting my 7 year old reay for school, shoes and socks on coat and things like this. 8:40 am he get on the bus.
9:00 - 11:00 am morning learning time with my 3 1/2 year old and 1 little day care girl who is 2 1/2. We do things like our letters, numbers, colors, counting and shapes.
11:00 am - 11:30 am I get lunch started. We have a fruit, vegetable, and a main dish.
11:30 am - 12:00 noon lunch time. W
12:00 - 12:30 pm we get cleaned up, diapers changed and laid down for nap
12:30 pm - 3:00 pm naptime
4:00 pm snack time
5:00 pm - 6:00 pm kids are going home.

Now for my nightly routine, I start dinner at 5:00 pm and we eat when the last kid leaves.
So here this is
6:00 pm - 6:30 pm sitting down for dinner
7:00 pm get dinner cleaned up, dishes washed,clean up the toys in the living room,
sweep and mop the wood floors.
8:00 pm bath time for all 3 younger kids
9:00 pm bedtime
And with any luck they are all out by 9:30 pm and I am done for the evening.

Now the reason why I'm saying this is because it can have a big impact on how your kids are behaving. If you are taking them somewhere and they ahven't had a nap then there is one problem. Once you get this part down you can start working on the behavior problems you are having. No matter what issue you are having or what technique you use, you have to be consistent with it. So if you tell your 3 yr old to go to the corner or his room or sit in a certain chair and he don't do it then it is your responsibility to get him there and until he stands there for 3 minutes.
For your 16 month old if she is throwing a fit and you are at home take her to her room and put her in her bed or on her bed and tell her when she calms down she can come out, until then she stay right there. She doesn't come out until she has calmed down.
Next get a big piece of poster board and make a list of the rules that you want them to follow. And also let them know whatever rules they don't follow there will be a punishment to follow. For meawith my own kids if they don't listen to me they go to the corner. If they don't want to still listen they will get something taken away. And if they haven't gotten it by then well then they get a swat on the butt. So find what worksand let them know that no matter where you are you can still find them a naughty spot, a corner to stand in, and no matter what most stores have a bathroom if you need to work it out in other ways.

E., You are in a very difficult place. The children can feel the strain that you are under when their father is away and being typical children they take this opportunity to act out. For your own sanity you need to find a place (like a Mother's Day Out program at a local church or a babysitting co-op) so that the kids can be with other kids and you can have a break from them and maybe shop alone once in a while. This makes you a better Mom. You must be very firm with them when it comes to their behavior while shopping or doing errands. Tell them in advance that if they don't behave, that you will all just go back home. Then, be prepared to do it a couple of times. Walk out of the store with the cart half full and go straight home. The baby may not understand but that 3 year old certainly will and you will have stood your ground. Be sure to tell them that you are leaving because of how they are acting which is not acceptable. It would also be hepful for you to have some one on one time with each child. Hang in there they aren't little very long. I am a mother and grandmother & believe me the years go by quickly.

I have four boys that are 8, almost 7, 3, and 2. The older two are 16 months apart and the younger two are 17 months apart. I am also a military wife. My husband just got home from a 15 month tour to Iraq in August and is leaving next Wednesday for another tour to Iraq. So I am going to be myself again for atleast a year with the kids. With no family around to help. I know you don't have the any kids in school that when I do my shopping. Is when my older 2 are in school. So with my younger two boys. I found that they shopping and doing all my running around as soon as we drop off the older two works out better for them. THey have just got a good nights sleep, and have a full tummy. Something else that works is when you get to the store a lot of stores are getting the carts that have cars or something for two of the kids to sit in. They seem to work really well with my younger two. Sometimes they are out of those carts so I will let my 3 year try walking next to me, or sometimes I just put him in the back of the cart with all the things we are getting. My 3 year old thinks it's neat when we are in the check out line to get candy for him and his brother. So if they are good and I don't have to get on them more then once. Then they are allowed to get some kind of candy. I know you didn't want to leave the store, but sometimes that's the only thing that gets through them at the time. I have been at Wal-Mart or the grocery store with all four of them, and before we even get out of the car they are fighting. So I just put the car back in drive and go home without anything. I have even had things in my cart that they boys really wanted or we needed around the house, and walked out of the store. They main thing with little kids you have to set bounders and rules and stick to them. Trust me some days I don't want to keep telling them over and over. But some days you have to though.
You can do this. You need to believe in yourself and then the kids will too. I had to get really strick after my husband left for his 1st tour. I started having the boys all in bed by 7. No, they don't normal take a nap the next day. We need time to ourselves before we go to bed. I call it's mommy's relax time. For the first week I would sit on the younger two's floor as they share a room. After the week I would go tuck them in, and if they would get up. I would go put them back in bed without saying a word. Rememeber you can do this. It takes about a week of doing the samething over and over again for the kids to get the hang of it.

Hope this helps some.

I'm a military wife too, and have also had to deal with deployments. Raising young children on your own is exhausting. Do you have a routine? Kids need routines, especially when they feel their lives are out of control. Even if it's different than the routine you have when your husband is home, having a routine helps the kids feel safe. Also it's important to make sure you get a break. If you don't get the down time you need, then you get more stressed. And your kids will notice. They choose these times to act out more. Wether they are just reacting to your stress or think they will get away with more they do act up more. Also when you are well rested and less stressed you handle their acting out better. I know getting down time can be hard, but you can do it after the kids go to bed or during nap time. Do you live near a base? A lot of bases have programs for deployed spouses. Give parents a break, informational meetings, and fun planned activities designed to get families out of the house. Plus you can talk to other parents that are in your shoes. Also the CDC can usually point you in the direction of a list of approved childcare providers. Even if you only get a sitter once a month. I can guarenty it will help. Make sure both you and the kids get out of the house regularly. Even if it means just going for a walk or going to the park. Being cooped up in a house all the time will drive people any age crazy. As for when you are out... kids always seem to act up worse then. Since yours are so young make sure you go when they aren't overly tired or hungry. If your son's in preschool, go when he's gone. One child is easier to handle. Some times a reward system works. I used the little rides at the front of Wal*Mart. If a child behaved they got to ride it. If they misbehaved they didn't. Also decide since your children are young decided how many chances they get. And stick with it. If they kids know how many chances they get they will usually push it to the limit. But then they stop. You can do time outs in a store. You can also take a way fun activities, like no tv. (For the 3 yr old.) Also kids act out for the attention. Especailly when one parent is gone. One way to break the habit is to ignore them. It's hard. Of course you make sure they are safe and not doing anything dangerous. You keep an eye on them, but show no outward response. It gets a lot worse before it gets better, but if you stick to it. It helps. You simply tell them you can't understand them if they are yelling or tantruming. You can hear them when they ask or talk nicely. Also try to keep them connected with their dad. I know every deployment is different, but sending letters or making things for their dad that they mail to him can really help. It also helps if dad can send a little note their way. Even if it's only three lines long. Getting some thing in the mail from Dad will make their day. Also before you husband deploys the next time, consider video taping activities your kids and your husband do together. Or video tape your husband reading stories to your kids. You can play them before nap time, bedtime or any time really. But this really helped with a 2 1/2 yr old on my husband's first deployment. I have seen that the more connected the kids feel to their dad, the better the behavior. I hope some of this helps.

E.,
I know it's hard at the ages they are, and handling it on your own makes it more difficult. For the 3 yr old try dont bribe him with buying toys at the store if he behaves that will only bring accepted behavior if there is a prize at the end. Accepted behavior is expected, regardless. On the other hand you can let him know that if he behaves then when you get home you can tell him that he can pick out a game to play with you. Make it a reward that is time spent with you not $ spent. Maybe bring little snacks, play games. I would buckle the baby in the cart. the 3 yr old, let him help shop, if he can count, count out 3 cans of corn etc. make a learning experience, he will enjoy feeling like a big boy and being your "helper". Maybe he can be your "helper" by entertaining the younger sibling? Kids love to help if given the opportunity. Good luck.

I feel your pain! My husband is in the military, also. He spent 17 months in Iraq a couple of years ago, leaving me home with a 2 1/2 year old, 1 year old and pregnant with #3. When he got home, I had a 4 year old, 2 year old and 6 month old. It's really hard, because you're dealing with your own emotions about missing your husband and trying to do everything on your own. Definately find some sort of support group at your base. My husband was in the Nat'l guard, so we didn't live on base, but I found a few other mom's from the unit and we did a Girls Night out once a month-nothing came between me and that night out. It was so nice to hear others going through the same thing as you.
As for errands with kiddos that age, could you hire a teenage babysitter for a couple of hours once a week to do those errands. Your kids are at a tough age, anyway. Then, you add a worn out, stressed out "single" mom, you get a bad combination. The kids know you're at your wits end and keep pushing to see if you'll break.
I always felt guilty leaving my kids with a sitter, but I had one come once a week for 4 hours. That was great! I could run a couple of errands, grab some lunch and occasionally get a hair cut or just sit at a local bookstore and read a book. I was a much better mommy once I got home after a bit of self time.
Hang in there! You'll get through it. And thank you, thank you (and your husband) for the sacrifice your family is making for our country!!