The Trouble with My Husband's career...or Lack Thereof

Eventually, you are going to have to accept that he is doing the best he can. Nine years is a long time, sure. I've known couples that didn't have a house until 25 years of marriage. The world is a HARD place now, financially. With all due respect, you are not in that world. (I am not now, either. I am a SAHM now, but I was in that world a little while ago.) It REALLY is that hard for a man to make a living "that is enough." My husband is very educated and has a degree. We are still struggling. So, is the majority of the world. Sometimes, we have to accept that enough is what we have right now. Sometimes, we have to feel blessed for what we're currently given. Our ideals have to change. 4 children is a lot. Perhaps, if you had only one or two...you'd have more. It's not just his doing!! 4 children is an incredible financial burden. I am not suggesting you shouldn't have had your children, I'm just saying his ONE salary is responsible for SIX people. It's a miracle you're even making it!!

P.S.
I WISH my husband made $18/hr!! Perhaps you should follow the advice of another mama, and do Dave Ramsey.

11 moms found this helpful

$18/hour actually seems like a pretty fair salary, considering his educational background.

If a different standard of living is important to you (the luxury of being a stay at home mom, owning a home, higher salaries, etc), I have to wonder why you'd have 4 children and try to support 6 people on a moderate income.

11 moms found this helpful

Why don't you go get a job working opposite hours of him and maybe that way you guys can afford a house. Companies DO pay their employees enough to live on, but most people don't have 4 kids and a stay at home wife.

11 moms found this helpful

Having a mortgage is no longer considered the "American Dream". Having a happy family that loves each other, a roof over your head and love is all that really matters.

10 moms found this helpful

How is he supporting a wife and four kids in this economy?
At least he's always trying to find a way to come up with new ways to supplement your income.
Please don't be too hard on him.
I'm a single mother. I know what it's like to get sick of struggling.
Why is it so hard for a MAN to make a living that is enough? Why is it so hard for anyone?
I have friends, she's a teacher and he's a fireman and they both lost their jobs. Two incomes down to unemployment.
I know you work hard keeping a house and home with the kids, but have you considered trying to supplement the family income somehow? I know Mennonite families where the women get together and make jellys and jams to sell at local markets. They sew clothing, fresh eggs. They have a bunch of kids and the kids all help.
I know it's important that he does all the providing, but that's got to be a huge weight on his shoulders, especially with you feeling it's never enough.
My husband made so much money you would faint. That was 14 years ago. I went through a divorce and I've had to work to take care of my kids by myself. He doesn't make much more than I do and it's not much.
You are right, living in the south is much less expensive, but the wages are also lower. 99% of my family is there. You can have a mansion for what a 2 bedroom modest home in California costs. But wages there aren't much better.
What is enough? Enough food? Enough clothes? What does enough mean? Nine years and you don't own a home. That can't be the worst thing in the world.
You can't base your dreams and visions on what you expect someone else to provide. I'll bet you're pretty intelligent and could find ways to help bring money in instead of waiting for your husband to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
I mean no disrespect or offense whatsoever. I honestly don't. I just know that things can change in a heartbeat and you can't ever put all your eggs in one basket so to speak.
As a single mother, I can't tell you how stressful it is for me to know that what I do or don't do affects everything for my kids. I've cried more nights than I care to admit. One person shouldering it all gets old. Thankfully my kids have never made me feel like I didn't do enough.
Please don't do that to your husband.

Best wishes.

7 moms found this helpful

Added: Im not sure why you're feeling hurt. This is a site to support. You asked advice and you got it. When a question is asked, many people answer from as many different perspectives. My post was meant to look at your situation a different way. I understood your frustrationa and sympathized with it as well. However, I was also trying to help you see all that you do have. You are rich in family, and for many that is more important than money.

Well, (and I don't mean this to be rude) I wouldn't have anymore children. You are living in a studio apt. w/4 children and only one income provider. If having a big family is important to you, and it seems like it is, then other things are going to have to fall to the wayside. $18 an hour is not bad pay these days. It's not, however, enough to support a family of 6 the way you want. It's not the employers responsibility to base pay rates on the number of family members.

It's time to find a solution and stop pity partying. Where can you cut expenses? Is there anything you can do to bring in extra income? Would moving somewhere else provide financial relief or cause more problems because you wouldn't have the support of family? I know it can be hard to change our priorities and expectations out of life, but reality is reality. And it seems your reality is that if being a SAHM is important to you both then sacrificies will continue to be made on everyone's behalf.

Please try not to put any of this on your husband. I'm sure he's feeling the burden of supporting his family. Feel blessed that you have a partner who values what you do in life and is willing to work his butt off to try and maintain that. Keep pushing on and scale back your expectations versus your reality.

7 moms found this helpful

I assume that he is working a 40 hour work week... so 2880 a month and 34560 a year. That is a VERY livable salary... We lived on 16,000 for 4 years and that was me, hubby, 2 kids and no help (family lived states away and no gov. aid...), so i am not seeing what the problem is. you are making more than double what we lived on then and sure it was tight, but doable.... And we saved 7000 dollars over those 4 years...

7 moms found this helpful

I realize you are a SAHM and cant do this but I just want to yell for you to go out there and just find out how difficult it is to supplement your income. How many hours does he work in a day. Do you ever see him he is working so much and wish you and the kids had more time with him, or does he work an 8 hour day at most and complains it isnt enough money. There are LOTS of things that can make ends meet. How about detailing boats or motorhomes (hard work but anyone can do it) How about a vending route, time consuming but can make a good extra chunk, a paper route, or YOU having more work to do by running a home day care for an extra child or two. We are struggling ourselves, buried in debt. Hubby is smart and is making money but when customers are putting off work for when they have money or not paying their bills it is tough. Healthcare costs going up each month etc etc, but we make it. I feel angry at you for being so needy for the financials. You know who you married when you married him right? You had children with him so you obviously want to stay with him. What have YOU done in planning your financial future. What have YOU done to cut expenses or build income. THe man has got to be under some serious stress... like another said... ONE man providing for SIX people. Can you grasp that? Im not sure why this angers me so much but it does. How about moving to a cheaper place where you can afford a (maybe smaller) house. How about selling some things to make this happen? I wish you luck, but plese TRY to imagine trying to provide monetarily for 6 people. Hard to do.

6 moms found this helpful

Owning a home is overrated. Having a loving family with a hard working husband is priceless.

But seriously get over this, $18 an hour without a college education is pretty darn good. And you don't have student loans!!! The biggest financial burden is the state you live in & the amount of children you have. Why in the world would you have a 4th if you are living in your in-laws studio apartment, is this even legal?

There is nothing wrong with working hard, that's the way it should be. I am sure there are thousands of people that would give there left arm to have a job & make $18 an hour.

Maybe you should make a list of all the blessings you have in your life and focus on that, because with baby #4 on the way it will definately postpone buying a home.

6 moms found this helpful

(Almost) four kids and a wife to support in just nine years on $18 an hour? God bless him, I don't know how he does it!
If you want more, then I'm afraid he will either need to take a second job (which I'm sure wouldn't be good for any of you) or you may need to get a part time evening job.
I just don't see another option :(

6 moms found this helpful

Have you ever thought about moving somewhere with a low cost of living? Not sure where Fillmore is but I can only imagine if it is in CA its got to be much more than the rest of us are paying. I am sure you could afford a house somewhere else. I see those real estate shows where they show how much houses cost in CA and am constantly amazed. Dear lord-you could have a huge house in Pgh for what you pay for a teeny house out there.

5 moms found this helpful

I would advise you to JUMP on the Dave Ramsay train asap. Get out of debt and reduce your expenses so you CAN save for a house.
Get one of Dave's books yesterday. It's all you need.

4 moms found this helpful

18 an hour is a really good wage. I will be lucky to make that in my field even when I am done with grad school! It sounds like it is more of a question of budgeting and finding ways to reduce your expenses.

4 moms found this helpful

I know it's easy for me to say, but I'd move. Of course, I love to move, but California has a really high cost of living. California and Hawaii are tied for highest cost of living states in the nation. I think salaries are higher, but I don't think it makes up for the high cost of housing and crazy taxes.

Look at what's taken out of your husband's paycheck in taxes :/ Just crossing the border into Nevada might be an improvement? I admit that I don't really know much about Nevada, but it looks like it's a lot cheaper to live there. Lower sales tax (8.1% compared to 10.8%), no state income tax while California is only beat by Oregon in the highest state income tax in the entire nation. Property taxes are lower too.

Of course, if you don't mind going farther, there are lots of other places you could go that would be an improvement for cost of living.

Here is a website that has tax information by state.

http://modernsurvivalblog.com/retreat-living/lowest-to-hi...

I also recommend Dave Ramsey's website and books. His Total Money Makeover had a huge effect on our lives!!! Here's a link to his radio show, which we love, and you can listen to both live and archived stuff FREE (my favorite price)

http://www.daveramsey.com/radio/home/

Very best wishes!! =o)

3 moms found this helpful

It's indeed hard to make a living these days! My daddy worked for the same company from the time he graduated college to the day he retired. That sort of job security is non-existent now.

When my children were young, my husband was (for some strange reason) locked into a peculiar salary system, which meant that his salary did not rise for many years even though he was advancing in his career. Don't ask me why - I couldn't tell you. His salary was not growing, but his children were! It was a very tough time. I pinched pennies until Mr. Lincoln said "Ouch!", and it was still tough. I tried to be understanding about my husband's situation, but it was frustrating for me as well as for him. We survived. So did our children. Now my kids are going through the same thing, on the grownup end. They will survive, too.

Admittedly, you're living in a very expensive state! But things are tough all over, and you don't want to move across country on impulse.

I strongly suggest that, whatever picture of the requisite "American dream" it is that you feel you're supposed to be achieving, forget it or put it on hold. It may never happen, or it may happen later, or it may be the proverbial ladder leaning against the wrong wall. Perhaps the best in life for you is what you have right now: a hard-working, faithful, and loving husband; four adorable children (I'm sure they are); the opportunity to raise your children yourself; friends, relatives, and at least some degree of security. There are multi-millionaire families who don't have those things.

It may sound Pollyanna-ish, I know (by the way, the Pollyanna books get a bad rap - they're worth reading!), but get in the habit of being thankful for what you DO have. Say it out loud. At least four times a day. Preferably to your husband and children! It can certainly help you as well as them. It may be hard to make a living, but you're doing well right now at making a LIFE. And your children will remember that all their days.

Now I need to go get a hanky (sniff).

3 moms found this helpful

I think your husband does very well for someone without a college degree and some advance skills.
Do you realize that if you were not living in this country you would have a much lower standard of living?
It seems to me like you are putting a wagon in front of the horse - "we have three kids, we want to have a house, we want to afford this and that" but we only make so much. Maybe if you reversed it and thought about it like "here is what we make, lets' see what we can afford..." you would get ahead much faster.
China owns most of US debt and jobs are moving oversees fast... your kids may not have even the same opportunities as your husband has today down the road.
Companies do not stay in business to provide for your imaginative standard of living. They are in business to make a profit. Any other system that redistributes wealth else is called communism or socialism. And in societies run with those systems in place your level of living would be considered a dream...
I am sorry, I think you just had a bad day and asked a very complicated question that has nothing to do with your husband being a nice, hard working man. Lots of good, hard working man were standing in lines to soup kitchens during the great depression. Personal qualities have nothing to do with earnings.
Good luck to you.

3 moms found this helpful

I live in the South, and while things are cheaper here, the salaries are comparably lower also. So moving may not solve the problem. Plus, with the unemployment so very high, finding a job in a new area will be difficult.

I get your frustration. It is hard to feel like you are struggling all the time and getting no where. But, you have gotten somewhere - you have a husband that loves you and your kids, you have beautiful children, family that is willing to help you out - you are blessed.

Don't focus on what you don't have - focus on what you do have.
Know that God provides everything you *need*.
What we *want*, now that is a different story :)

Could your husband take some on line college classes? It would take longer, but he could maybe get a business management degree - that and his practical skills could lead to a management position. It would be a long term plan for your family.

When you feel frustrated - stop, take a breathe, and count your blessings.

Good Luck
God Bless

2 moms found this helpful

$18 per hour w/o a degree is pretty good pay. I think the reason that you can't get ahead is because it's expensive to live in California (I currently live in San Diego & we are moving to Texas because we want a better cost of living) and also - you can't get ahead is because you have 3 kids and soon 4!!! Kids are expensive, especially babies - diapers, formula etc.

I don't want to sound rude, but maybe you should have considered your financial situation before deciding on having more kids.

2 moms found this helpful

Moving South won't change things with the exception of your husband's $18/hr job will go down to $15/hr. Having four children is expensive for two income families. As another mama mentioned, count your blessings for having a good marriage and good husband. Once you baby comes and you have recovered, I would consider taking a part-time job in the evening, so your husband could watch the kids. (Just a two or three nights a week might make the difference you need to stop feeling so frustrated). You could also consider becoming apartment managers. Many places provide a two bedroom place rent free, plus a small salary.

Blessings.....

2 moms found this helpful

Take a look at the Tightwad Gazette for about 1,000 or more ways you can find to live frugally & save money. The author has 6 children and they live on a small amount of money.

You may want to think about relocating--that is not a bad idea.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with Momof4. Owning a home is way overrated. We spend so much in property taxes each month that it is almost enough to pay rent for an apartment. And then there is the mortgage, which is currently more than the house is worth. And then everything keeps breaking down in the house, and I have an ever-growing list of things that need to be fixed or replaced.

I completely understand your frustration of not being able to get ahead. Even if your husband's income goes up, it probably won't catch up with rising gas and grocery prices. I have no real advice for you. But I feel your pain.

I guess you can be glad that you are setting a good example for your children by living within your means. I grew up pretty poor, but all of my friends were pretty poor too, so I didn't realize that I was missing out on much. I did have a wonderful childhood though because I had parents who cared about me and three siblings to play with. This is what your kids will grow up to remember :-)

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with Amanda C.'s entire post. Very well said. I understand how important being a SAHM mom is because I am one myself, but if you feel the way you feel about finances it may be time for you to find at least part time work to help ease the burden. Even if it's something like Avon or Pampered Chef or Mary Kay or something.

1 mom found this helpful

It is hard - My husband has no college education, and earns $21 an hour, pretty good for this area, with no education, but he has a lot of experience in his field - I on the other hand am an MD, with a degree from the UK, worthless over here, can't use it. We went from way up in the 6 figure salary when we lived in the UK, to making $21 when we moved here. I stay at home, like you, to give my children stability while they are still young.
When we lived in the UK we had a 3 bed 2 bath brand new brick home on a Nicklaus golf course, overlooking the bay, I had a new car, we visited the states to see my husbands family twice a year, we lived high, man we lived high. Right now I live in a 800 sq foot 2 bed trailer, it's rent and mortgage free, and all that we can afford. (actually, like you, it belongs to my inlaws) But we are pretty happy actually. It took me a while to feel happy, it really did, I was bitter for a long time, I see my friends in their nice brick homes, and wonder if they look down on me in my shabby trailer.
Anyway, don't want to turn this into my post! I think $18 an hour is doable, but maybe not in an expensive area. What is keeping you in CA? family? If there is nothing keeping you there then move, but moving in itself is expensive and hard. Getting a job is really hard when you have 4 kids, but you could work from home. this is going to be the only way you will get more dosh, you will have to work. Go to school online, and further your own education. I am currently taking my 6th online course, and I am working towards getting another degree, so once my littlest one goes to school, I go to work, and hopefully get out of this trailer. I have live in it for 5 years now, it will be another 3 before I can work, and probably a couple more before we can build a house. You have got to look long range at things!