12 answers

The Mean, Cruel Neighbor Girl and Her Mother

I am sick to death of this snotty little kid and her mother. We moved to this place 4 years ago this summer. My oldest daughter befriended a neighbor child. Her mother did not allow her to invite our child to anything outside of just house play with intention of encouraging her kid to make friends and be friends with kids from school. Once they started school, this kid made the rule to my daughter that she would not play with her at school and that my daughter was not allowed to play with her friends. This left my new to the school (this kid had gone there for K so she wasn't new) child alone and confused. So we dealt by encouraging our daughter to concentrate on other children to make friends with. Three years later, they are now in 4th grade. This kid's behavior has only intensified through the years to the point that she is mean to my daughter every single day, verbally and in action. I'm sick, sick, sick, sick, sick to death of this child...I will refrain from calling her what I'd like to. I've only taught my daughter to continue to be nice but concentrate on other children...problem is since my daughter was new, the cult of children are the mean group who love their power play in hurting my daughter and (thankfully) the only other little girl she has as a friend. Her mother is a "kids will be kids" type mom. She is the one for those of you who know who doesn't like me because I've offered to help her with her children when she leaves them alone (the oldest isn't 10, she's 9...they are 9 and 7). So I can only imagine her reaction to me if I ever brought it up...of course she's the mom that taught her children to laugh at their aunt's large ankles, for example...she's mean. So I'm sick of her and I'm sick of her little monsters (because the youngest is well on the path...she scratched my middle daughter's face across her eye enough that it looked like cat scratches...cut through the skin). AHHHHHHHH! Anyway, I am giving my oldest daughter a tape recorder tommorrow to carry home with her while they walk from the bus to home so I can present the confirmed by other children-meaness of this girl so I can play it for her mother. Any other suggestions? What do you think? It's VERY difficult because we share a culd-e-sac and she lives two houses away...but I'm SICK to death of playing nice!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

The house has been peaceful. The girls have been on a break for a few days and will not go back to school for more than two weeks (year round school schedule). Without school, there has been little opportunity for run-ins. It seems after so many suggestions to basically stay away from the girl and her family, my husband and I have agreed to try that road. We will see what happens. Until school begins, I'm happy to say there just isn't anything to report on more than we are just a nice, peaceful home with little to no thought about the whole subject. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this situation and to resond. I really appreciate all of you.

More Answers

If there is any type of bullying going on at school, time to get the principal involved! It is not to be tolerated at all especially at school! If she is a bully to your daughter, then do not allow your daughter to play with her and DO confront her mother. I mean you don't have to be nasty, but you can and should approach her that her daughter has been causing a lot of distress and heartache to your child and it is unacceptable, period. If she is leaving young children at home alone then call social services.
I wouldn't worry about the tape recorder as much as I would be fierce in standing up for your daughter! She needs to learn that it is NEVER okay for someone to be cruel.
We as parents cannot fix every bump with friendships for our children however we can give them the tools to not allow to being pushed around, encourage only being around people that make us feel good inside.
I would tell the mom that kids learn what they know and it is never going to be okay for your daughter to think being mean is okay. She may not care but you do!
Go to the school and confront that woman. If your daughter sees you allowing it she will get mixed signals it is okay. It would be nice if our neighbors were all perfect, however obviously that isn't the case. You may have to live next to her but that doesn't excuse her children being out of control and her not doing anything about it!

3 moms found this helpful

It would be time in my house to say goodbye to the neighbors! I believe it is very important to teach our children how to deal with tough situations, but I also believe that it is important to teach our children when to walk away and stand up for themselves. Forgo taping it, you can not change the mother, I remember your other post, some people are open to sugesstions and others aren't and I don't think even concrete proof is going to change the situation it may actually backfire. Get you daughter involved in after school activities, away from these girls, look into church youth groups ( I am not religious in any way! ), but our town has a really good after school group that my kids loved until they got to old to attend. Find out from her teacher which girls in her class would be a good match for your daughter and set up a "girls day" with these girls, her teacher knows these kids as well as most parents so she would have some good suggestions. But most importantly is to teach your DD to love herself and ignore the mean girls! Good luck this is such a tough age all on its own!

3 moms found this helpful

Hi, I sympathize with your issue. We are new to the area and one of my daughters was in shock at how mean some of the girls were. She is very soft and took their meaness personally. We previously lived in a small farming community where believe it or not, this was never the issue there, and she was the "new girl" there for a bit too. :) I finally asked her how the "main mean girl" behaves with other kids and she more or less was mean to most everyone. I pointed out that sometimes kids or just people in general are mean due to situations in their lives that they feel they cannot control. Since she is a child her control over her situations is not completely hers. And of course, sometimes, people are just mean. I asked her if she wanted me to involve the school, and she said no. So, long story short, I told her that she needed to involve an adult at school herself, or flat out tell the girl to leave her alone. She really didn't want to involve the "school adults" being the new girl and all. So one day she flat out told her to leave her alone and if she wasn't going to be nice or she would tell a teacher. The other girl got quite mad at her but my daughter stood her ground and told her she shouldn't treat people so mean. Needless to say, the girl does not pick on her anymore. She is also nicer to some of the other kids as well, because they decided to follow suit and stand up for themselves. I really hope that in the long run this young girl grows out of her young attitude and that the other kiddos keep on standing up for themselves. :) I hope you and your family enjoy your break! :)

2 moms found this helpful

If it were my daughter I would not encourage her to associate with this little girl. I would tell her confront the girl directly and leave it at theat. A simple, "I don't like the way you treat/talk to me so I would apprecitate it if you left me alone" would suffice. It would be good if your daughter did not engage in any of this little girls attempts to get a rise out of your daughter. If telling the little girl to stay away from her doesn't work, and the mom won't do anything my next step would be the teacher or principal. You have a right to protect your baby, even if it is from a 7yr old meanie.

2 moms found this helpful

The first thing I would do is to not allow your daughter to play with this girl when they are at home. I think by allowing this you are giving your daughter the idea that it is okay for someone to walk all over you, and that is exactly what this family is doing. You need to empower your daughter and yourself. If the mom asks why tell her "A friend id a friend always! No matter where they are" The next thing you need to do is volunteer at the school and find other families that you can do things with socially. This will help your daughter make friends at the school. Have your daughter invite other children over for play dates and do not allow the neighbor girl over at these times. Once you get to know some of the other parents in your daughter's class you might find that they do not like this girl either, or are unaware of what is going on. Whatever you do, do not bad mouth this family-take the high road. Your daughter has every right to make friends too. I don't think I would play the tape for the mother. No matter what, she will not see her daughter as mean. Instead wait for the mom to ask you "Why won't you let ____ play with ______?" And give her the honest answer. "I don't like the way your daughter treats my daughter at school, and my daughter doesn't want to play with her." No one wants to hear they have a rotten kid and you will only make matters much worse. This is a tough situation and I wish you the best of luck

2 moms found this helpful

iAM hoping you got some resolution to this issue. if i were in your shoes i would just keep my daughter away from this negative influence as much as possible. you and your daughter should actually feel sorry for this little girl and her mom. it seems to me these "mean girls" who sadly grow up to be mean women are just extremely insecure and shallow.they make themselves feel better by hurting htose around them. why subject your daughter to that. we should all learn to be civil with difficult people when we have to be around them, but if you don't have to be around it, don't. teach your daughter to find new and nicer friends, life is too short even when you are young to be wasted on people who are not a positive influence in our lives, but i hear ya i'd be fuming if anyone treated my baby girl that way, hang in there and fill us in when things get better!

2 moms found this helpful

The only thing I would like to comment on is that your daughter was assaulted. I don't care how old the child who did it was, the second my child was physically assaulted I would have called the police and made a report. Having the cops knock at the mother's door may help her see what path her children are on. As far as how to handle the rest, I suggest you call Dr. Laura. I have heard this sort of situation on her radio program come up before, and I'm sure she would have great advice for you. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S.

You have received some great advise from some very loving mothers. The only thing I would add is that your DD is watching you. In your response to this situation, she is looking at you, so make sure you handle yourself with integrity in front of her. When this is all done (and it will be) your daughter will have learned many valuable lessons that will have shaped who she is. There will come a time when this family will be a distant memory to yours, but your child will always have you and you now have the opportunity to model the behavior that you would like her to demonstrate in all of her relationships. Our children are always watching us and our actions speak so much louder that our words.

I feel your frustration and completely understand it. I am sorry that you are going through it.


2 moms found this helpful

Hi S.,
Other than the physical assult, like others I would make it very clear to your daughter to stay away from the other girl. Bullies go after the smallest and those who won't stand up for themselves. Once they either get whats coming to them or are ignored they get bored and move on. Granted it may get worse before getting better but it will get better.
Have you called the school to see if it is going on there to?
My middle son is in the second grade and we had a bully problem this year, he would come home so upset about it. Finally I told him, if your words don't stop this and you are being physically attacked, you have my permission to fight back. I had a meeting with his teacher and told her "it's your job while my child is here to protect him and if you are unable then I give him full permission to protect himself." Soon after another incident where my son pushed the kid off of him and had a few words for him, it stopped.
Kids are mean and very cruel, that is one thing I remember from being a kid and now with kids I understand that sometimes you have to let them stand on their two feet. But always remind them you are right beside them.

I would tell your daughter to ignore her completely, not to be nice to her any longer. If it means your daughter is continually hurt it has to stop.
If your daughter is assulted like another said call the cops and file a report.
Good Luck

2 moms found this helpful

We had a similar family the next block over when I was little. My mom just said flat out I was not to associate with her under any circumstances. It was really difficult at first (5th gr., I think). She and her friends got more and more cruel, but after a while, they did leave me and my friends alone. The key, I think, was that we gave no credence, positive or negative, to what they said or did. We just ignored them as much as possible. It was tough because we were in a small neighborhood and she was the only girl my age. My mom just gave me a lot more opportunities to have other friends over. Funny thing, after we were out of high school, the other mom came and told my mom that they wished their daughter were as nice as I was. But like I said, at first it did get worse. I'd see if you can get to know some other parents and kids to help advocate positively for your daughter. I doubt this mom is going to care regardless of what she is confronted with.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't know if you are stilling looking for responses but I will leave one jsut in case. I am the mother of 11 and 8 year old girls and know all too well how cruel girls can be to each other. But I have also worked for years as a child therapist and now work as a tutor in a public elementary school. First, it would be helpful to stop thinking of your daughter as the new girl. If she has gone to that school for 3 years she is no longer new. I would bet there are newer children there. Second, it is probaly time to move on from this issue. Basically stop paying attention to this girl. As another writer said, it is time to be done having these people in your lives. It doesn't matter if they are your neighbors. There is no reason anyone in your family needs to interact with anyone in theirs. Not all relationships should continue. Get your daughter involved in activities, groups, after-school programs, somewhere that she can feel success and make new friends who are uninvolved in this old trauma. Most importantly you need to have the school involved. Every teacher, counselor, recess aid, etc. who has invovement with your daughter and this other child should be aware of this situation. Only then can they monitor this and support positive behaviors among these girls.
Go have some fun with your daughter!

1 mom found this helpful

Another excellent resource on bullying is a woman named Jodee Blanco. Google her to learn more about how to handle bullying. Good luck!

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