The Lonely Only; to Breed or Not to Breed?

I can only answer from the "only" perspective as I was one. I loved it! I also had some great friends who are still my good friends to this day -- they're like my sisters. I don't believe all onlies are lonely. That's only if they don't get out and enjoy life and make friends. And even kids with siblings can be like that.

I have a sister who is 2.5 years younger than I am. We never were close, don't have anything in common, didn't hang out together as kids or as young adults. I used to wish I was a twin or an only child.

You can't predict what her relationship will be with a sibling, so don't have a kid "just in case" they might be close.

I got the best of both worlds becuase I am the youngest of three but there is a HUGE difference in ages. By the time I started remembering my childhood the oldest was out and the second oldest was on her way out ... it was great I had the best of both. I was raised as an only then once high school hit I really developed bonds with my sisters. We always got along b/c I was the "golden child" baby straight from thier mouths not mine ... but it really has become great now that we are adults ... you may want to consider that to be an option as well ... I LOVE IT!

Hi! I can answer as to what it's like to be an Only. I love it! I had a fantastic childhood, and had many opportunities that I wouldn't have had otherwise (I went to private schools, was able to be involved in some traveling sports teams, etc). I've always been really close to my parents and have NEVER missed having a sibling. I never had trouble adjusting to living in the dorms in college, never had trouble making friends in school, like some people will try to tell you about only children. I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood.

All that said, I never particularly saw the need to have more than one child myself. My husband was adamant that we have more than one. (Despite the fact that he and his sister live 6000 miles apart and still fight like cats and dogs.) So... we have 2 girls. Don't get me wrong, my younger daughter is the light of my life and I wouldn't give her back for anything. However, it would have been WAY easier just to have one child, both financially and emotionally. Have you seen the cost of college these days? I have no idea how we're going to afford that without winning the lottery. Heck, I'm practically distraught about the state of public education right now, yet with 2 kids there is no way I can afford private school tuition. With 1 child, we could live in a smaller house and afford private school, but with 2... not so much.

If you feel like you are happy having 1 child, then stop now. Don't let people try and talk you into having more children than you really want. I am here to tell you, being an Only can be a wonderful thing!

i am so happy and proud that so many onlies have spoken up - you do NOT have to have another child "to give the first a companion" what a silly reason that is! talk about a spoiled child - honey we knew you would never be happy with yourself, "all alone", in this world - so we made a baby for you. YIKES! please keep in mind this is a VERY personal, VERY HUGE decision. this is creating a life. it is not to be taken lightly and you're right - giving the older generation another baby to play with isn't a valid reason, either. there are a million reasons to have only one. many of them noble and selfless. people have their reasons for having more than one, but honestly, it usually just comes down to "i want". it's each parents' own decision. just don't let anyone make up your mind for you.

personally i have only one - he is my greatest joy and my life's greatest challenge. am i in a hurry to double that? try to win the lottery twice? nope! we are happy the way we are also. sure i get baby fever at times, and i have the urge to have a baby in my arms again. but there is more to life than the instinct to procreate. god gave us logic and free will as well.

whatever decision you make, you won't regret it. i know i am sounding awfully anti-kid right now, but no one ever regrets having another. if you do, you will love it with all your heart as well. so good luck and i hope you come up with a plan that works for you.

**edited - after reading a lot of these responses (and i know i am late in answering this so i'll just be happy if mine gets read at all lol) the difference between happy onlies and lonley onlies seems to be pretty simple -- those whose parents chose it deliberately, are happy. those who had medical issues or life circumstances that "robbed" them of siblings, aren't. it's all in your perspective. truly, one either chooses to be happy, or one doesn't. life circumstances, siblings or not, really doesn't have much to do with happiness.

If you have another child just to provide "those close sibling relationships" you mention, what guarantee do you have that they would indeed have a close relationship? They might be very close, might cordially move along separate paths and be friendly but never "best friends," or they might have a stressed, resentful relationship.... Please don't have a child just to provide companionship for another child because you cannot guarantee that companionship would result, no matter how hard you tried to make them best friends. They simply may have different personalities that never gel that way. It's great that your experiences of siblings were positive, but you can't know that will be duplicated.

As for parenting one child: If as you say you "really don't have the personal desire to have another kid," please listen to that gut instinct. Don't let society, family, friends or even, truly, your own husband guilt you or beg you into having a child unless you passionately want one for the child's own sake, not because you "should" have more than one child to have a so-called perfect family. Do what's right for you. You don't say what your husband thinks, and his input is indeed vital, but both partners need to be totally on board to have a child, first, middle, or tenth.

I love having one child. We're close and have time to have fun together -- though I do take care to be sure I'm the parent and not the best buddy, an easy trap to fall into with just one. I do notice that my friends with more than one child do end up doing a lot of running around and juggling schedules that we just don't do. Some of my friends are great with it, while others admit that they struggle with the constant driving and dropoffs and different schedules for different kids (we're talking early elementary here, where the activities can really ramp up). And a few friends have said they realize they very seldom take their oldest kids to certain events, classes, entertainment, etc. that they'd like to attend with them -- because the younger kids can't attend too. So the younger kids do drive the older kids' access to activities, as well as their access to time with mom and dad.

I'm not trying to reduce the how-many-kids question to only a time equation, just noting that juggling schedules and activities is a part of the tradeoff with more than one child. Those who want that second or third child make the tradeoff.

More important is that initial question -- would you be able to guarantee they'd be close and friendly siblings?

I believe you should only have another child if deep in your heart you *want* another child. If you do not feel that way, then don't have another. Simple. I think if you (general you) have a child you don't necessarily want, then you may resent that child and the changes that come with going from 1 to 2 (and trust me, they are vast! lol). And no child deserves to feel resented by their own parents.

That said, my Dad was very recently diagnosed with cancer. Also, in the past 20 years he's had 4 heart attacks and quadruple bypass surgery twice. I would not have made it through all the worry and stress of my Dad's health if not for my sisters. Sure, my friends are supportive and ''there'' for me, but only my sisters can understand the *exact* stress and feelings of hopelessness about OUR Dad. Does that make sense?

I have 3 little girls and hope they're close as children and into adulthood. But even if they're not, I know they'll always have each other. They're the only people that'll have the unique experience of being raised by me and my husband. And when we're sick/old/gone, my girls will have each other :)

I was raised with three brothers until I was nine, when Mom and I moved out (long story). To this day, the three brothers have limited contact with one another, and I have contact with only one of them. My memories of living with them are spotty, but I remember well the years I lived alone with Mom, and those are the years I cherish. I'm 41 now, and Mom and I are as close now as we were then.
Now, I'm married and have a four-year-old daughter who will be an only child (we made that decision permanent). I am absolutely positive that I don't have the temperament for more than one. Absolutely. And yet, despite my lack of relationship with my own brothers, I somehow find myself feeling guilty that my own daughter won't have a sibling. Go figure.
Be honest with yourself. Who will be happy if you have that second child? It's not a matter of whether you would love that child--of course you would. I, myself, would resent what I would perceive as the further loss of self with the demands of a second child. I'd be short-tempered with my husband for not doing enough (in my eyes) to offset that. My daughter would sense the stress. And who can guarantee that the two children will be close? I'm not being dramatic here; I'm being honest with myself. Listen to your own heart, because you’re the only one who can hear it.

My ONLY child, a 16 yr old girl is FAR from LONLEY.

I think the "lonely only" is a stigma.

We have no regrets, we never planned more than 1 child and we are all very happy with our lifestyle as we have it. We are very close, secure emothionally as well as financially and stable.

Most weekends I have a house full of teens who want to come here instead of stay in their own homes with siblings and all the drama they have going on.

You'll find just as many brats from families with siblings as you will with only children.

I have a brother 6 yrs younger than me and we have never been close. You can't guarantee if you have another child if they will be close or not.

It is how you raise them.

Please.... don't let your child hear you refer to him/her as a lonely only.

Also, you can set yourself up financially so that your child will never have a burden of caring for you. We are not close with other family members so we are a team at this house and a very strong one at that.

.

My daughter and grandson are onlies, and while she wished for a couple of years that she had a sister, mostly she's been very happy being an only child. My grandson is now 5, and is quite clear that he prefers being an only. Also, I'm the oldest of four, and since reaching adulthood, we have very little contact with each other. I have many difficult childhood memories of interactions with my sisters, and few nice ones. I will probably end up with all the care of my aging mother, with little or no support from my sisters.

As many wonderful reasons as there are to have more children (and your impulse is certainly loving), there are equally compelling reasons not to. I chose to stop with one and make the most of that experience. It was/is wonderful, and I have no regrets. My daughter has stopped with one, and it is wonderful, and she doubts she'll have any regrets.

It's a strong human quirk to wish for what we don't have. I've known quite a few onlies who sometimes think they'd like siblings, and even more siblings who sometimes wished they were onlies, or wished they had different siblings than the ones they were saddled with. But it's also true that we don't really miss what we never had. We might desire it, but we don't miss it.

There's also the common concern about spoiled, entitled onlies. But onlies grow up to be thoughtful, appreciative, well-mannered adults if that's the way they're raised. Kids in big families grow up to be demanding, spoiled adults if that's the way they're raised.

The pluses of raising an only are big ones: the parents don't have to split whatever resources they have (time, energy, material, emotional) between kids. And, the earth's resources (space, climate, energy, clean water and air) aren't burdened more than they are already (the population curve is rising so sharply now, it's a line almost straight up). And social resources aren't crowded harder than they are already (schools, transportation/traffic, health and social services, etc.).

I'd say, if you don't feel eager to expand your family, don't try to maneuver yourself into taking that on. We get to choose like-minded sisters and brothers when we grow up, if that appeals to us. I have many.

Just an opinion, from the other side here. You can't guarantee your child will love her sibling like you and your husband did. I have 2 sisters myself and am not close with them, at all. There is 11 months between my oldest and middle and 2 years between the muddle and me. We have absolutely NOTHING in common, except DNA. We are 3 incredibly different people and people often can't believe we are from the same family! My parents didn't want an only child, for the same reason. Thy felt they were depriving my oldest sister of the sibling bonding. (I was an "oops.") My mom had no desire for more then one, but she felt guilty about my sister being alone. Well, it kind of backfired on her. We were never close. It had nothing to do with how we were raised, at all. We were just such individuals and always proffered friends similar to us. I often go months without talking to my sisters, and they live within minutes. What I'm saying, is if you don't have the DESIRE, it's not fair to the child being brought into the world. Just because your child is born into your family, doesn't mean they will have this incredible bond. I am proof of that.

Nope -I've been an only child for 41 years and the only time I ever wanted a sibling was when I went to kindergarten and everyone else had one. There are lots of only children these days! I've been through family illnesses and the death of my mother, and I still didn't "need" a sibling. I consider myself lucky because I've gotten to choose my family of "siblings" in the wonderful group of close friends I've had for 15-20 years now. We support each other and do things together far more than most adult siblings I see. I certainly don't feel cheated! My life has been full of opportunities and wonderful experiences my parents couldn't have given me if I had siblings. You have no guarantees she would even like a sibling or ever be close to one. I understand the relationship is great IF it's great, but often it's not.

I know a number of other only children as well, and we're all fine with it. None of us have ever felt lonely. You will be able to do more and give more to an only and if that's what YOU want -then that's what YOU need to do! I have two children because I wanted to have two -not because I thought the oldest would have been lonely. Only have kids you and your husband really want -don't take anything else into consideration -it's too big of a deal to do that! Your only child will be just fine. My only piece of advice for parenting an only child -get them out into the world and remember you're the parent -not the best friend. Don't treat them as one of you and then turn around and treat them like the kid they are -it's a very conflicting message and it will cause problems with your child. My parents and I did have that problem -I was a serious, very adult-acting child, but I was still a kid. They sometimes didn't know how to react to the "kid."

***And to be VERY clear -I had an outstanding childhood! I (my personality) was very adult, but I played with the neighborhood kids and was constantly going to and having sleepovers. I had a wonderful time as a child. When I got a little older, my parents always let me bring a friend along on vacations to the beach if I wanted -as much for them as me (they could go out and enjoy themselves and we would entertain each other). And I'm sorry J.L's experience has been so depressing, but my friends and I are much closer those of them who have siblings are to their sisters. Our holidays are filled with fun -and people! We have lots of friends over and lots of couple friends who have chosen to never have kids. Life is only lonely and morose if you make it so.

My parents seperated when I was 3. My Mom always told me growing up she always wanted more children, it just never worked out. To be honest, I wanted nothing more than to NOT be an only child. I begged for many years for a brother or sister. Maybe it was harder for me because I was raised by a single mother. Your daughter has both you and your husband.

When I was 16 my Mom re-married, at 17 she had my now 7 year old sister. She was totally unplanned, and having raised one child already my Mom wasn't prepared to have another at nearly 40 years old. But those were the cards she was dealt.

I have a 3 year old, so it is a little strange when were are all together and people think she is mine, I will have to say no, she is my sister! My son just adores her, they are more like brother/sister than aunt/nephew.

ADDED:
After reading Catherine C's answer I want to add that I went to private schools also, was involved in tons of activities, and I had a great childhood. But it didn't change the fact that I was lonley, and desperatly wanted a sibling. Having great opportunities has nothing to do with having 1 or more children. (YES money is a factor) But it is more about how your parents raise you, and the environment you are brought up in.

i think having another baby just to provide a sibling is a very bad idea. babies should only be conceived and born out of an overwhelming desire to fill the nest. there are just as many pros to being an only as cons.
i love that you don't feel pressured into WANTING another against your natural inclinations, even as you question the logistics and reasoning. i wish everyone were this introspective about the matter.
khairete
S.

Such a tough question! I agree (strongly!) with SH: only you and your husband TOGETHER can answer this for you. There is no one right answer.

Your letter, though, reminded me of how I felt when I (unexpectedly) found myself pregnant the second time. I felt I wasn't ready. Although I never said anything to my husband or anyone else, I questioned whether or not I had enough love and space in my heart for another child. I loved my daughters (2 adopted; 1 bio) so very much. Another child might rock the boat & throw us (read: me) off course. How could I fit another in? I felt I just didn't have love or the desire for another child. My kids were -- and still are -- amazing. But what was really amazing was the moment my youngest was born. In that instant, my heart melted and grew stronger at the same time. I loved her with a fierceness I didn't know I could feel. And, although she's now a trying teenager, the love holds. And holds. And grows. And holds. It sounds like she's my favorite, but really I don't have one. I just know that maternal love and time is infinite in it's capacity.

My oldest is now the proud & loving mom of 2. When she was expecting her second I spoke to her about this, the whole "can I possibly love another as much as the first" and she admitted it was a worry for her. She, too, found that love breeds love and love grows.

Adding another child doesn't mean dividing your love or your time. It means multiplying it to a power you can't imagine.

Not all siblings grow up to be close. I have two brothers and a sister and we have very little in common, other than history. I talk with my sister about 2 to 3 times a year. Growing up on a farm, it was great to have siblings or I really would have been all alone. My daughter, on the other hand, is growing up in a city with kids all around. She is great at making friends, I am still working to learn how to do that.

An only might feel "cheated" out of a sibling, but one of many can feel cheated out of other things - like personal attention or financial help for college (I got some help. my sister, the youngest, got no help at all - the money was gone).

In addition to being a Mom, I'm the PROUD Aunt of an incredible nephew who has some development issues. I find responses like "We already have the Perfect Child," or "God gave us Perfection the first time," or "Why would we try to win the lottery twice" to be sad and distasteful. Does it mean you would not love your child, or another child, if he or she was not perfect? Do you find children with physical or developmental issues to be less lovable? This doesn't say much about you as a person.

KiwiMama1...good luck to you and your husband with your decision. If you stick with your one lovely daughter, I hope you might consider that such expressions may hurt others. God Bless! :)

You AND your Husband... are the ONLY one's to decide this.

Does your Husband want more kids or is fine with your 1 child?

That is all that matters.
You AND your Husband and what you BOTH want.

I have 2 kids... they are 4 years apart. They are VERY close and like 2 peas in a pod. My daughter (who is the eldest) has told me many times, that she is so glad to have a little brother... and my son has told me he loves his sister SO much. They are very close. But not all siblings are.
It is not so much the age-spacing... but the kids themselves... and how they adjust to their sibling.

all the best,
Susan

My best friend growing up with an only child. She loved it... although her parents were divorced and I'm not sure how that impacted her experience. Growing up we were like sisters, and being an only girl in my family, we were there for each other.

She chose to be a mom to one amazing girl as well. She never wanted more than one and is totally happy with her daughter. She feels she can have her life, and be a Mom too. She worried about providing financially for more than one, having time to do what she wants to do with her family, and also still have time for herself. I respect her decision, but am thrilled to be a Mom to 3 and even though I think we are done, it makes me sad to think we won't have any more babies. :)

Good luck!
J.

What I have always thought was funny was that people that are not onlys think for some reason we MUST be lonely. I can tell you from experience (I am an only, my husband is an only and we have an only daughter) we are FAR from lonely. In fact - we love it and we are not bored, or selfish or damaged in some way. We don’t pine for a sister or a brother. I have often wondered if the first child somehow resents the parents/second child for taking away their happy place in the home.

I would miss dearly the 1:1 time I have with my daughter to just enjoy her, to guide her to be a part of her life without the distraction and increased workload of having to share my time with another child, plus work, plus my hubby and my other family/friends. I think she would miss it too.

An assumption too is that siblings will actually get along as children/adults, be stable, love and protect each other and that isn’t always the case.
I read a book last year called Nurture Shock that had amazing new data about raising children - chapter 6 speaks specifically to siblings. Children with siblings are no better off at getting along with other children compared to children without siblings. It talked about how with the 'Sibling Effect' kids actually treat their siblings with more negative and controlling statements than they do their friends and it is usually the younger child that takes most of the negative effects. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0446504122/ref=oss_product. I found it discussed on a blog too: http://www.dontpeeonthebee.com/2009/11/the-sibling-effect...

Anyway - my point is - If YOU are longing for another child in your life, then have one. Giving your daughter a 'playmate' to me isn’t a reason to have another child - get her a dog :).

well its a personal choice but choices are good. i have two siblings myself and i wanted more than one child. we now have 3 kids.
having one child you defintely have much more one on one time..probably more money to do things with your child...more sleep.
having more than one child is great also. my kids always have a playdate some one to tell their secrets too. i came from a fairly big extended family and enjoy having 3 kids but neither decsion is right or wrong.

Take an honest look at your life situation and see if another kid fits into the picture. I'm talking finances, are you working or not, do you have the energy to raise another kid, is your husband wanting one or is he content with just your daughter, would you have to get a bigger place to live if you brought another child into the family, do you have help nearby, are you sending your kid to private school or public, etc. Just because it would be nice to give your daughter a sib doesn't mean that you should struggle to do it. I have 3 kids and it's a lot of money and work but the fact that they do have each other is beautiful to me. I also know only children who have close friendships and cousins and don't feel that they missed anything. It's a tough decision but I think that if you don't feel that tug to have another-you shouldn't.

Speaking as an only child, I can see both sides of your concern. As a small child I never cared that I was the only one. I had great parents and never felt cheated. (my parents divorced when I was small) As I got older, it was not always as fun to do things with "just my parents" as it would of been had I had a sibling. As a teen, there are just some things that you don't want to share with you mom. As a young adult I lost my mom to cancer and it was so hard. My dad was very supportive but he was far away. It was all on me to handle the details etc. of her life and passing. After loosing mom, there was a huge hole in my life and I felt very alone for a long time. I always wondered if a sibling would have been any comfort. Now that I have kids of my own, I realize what I missed. They are close when it counts and they look out for each other. I don't know what that is like. There is nothing wrong with having or being an only, and you shouldn't have another to "be there" for the first. But know that as an only you do miss out on that connection and the having some one.

We, too, have one daughter (6), and are not planning to have another. Other people have already talked about some of the benefits of having only one child; more time and resources to give to your child, in particular. Also, our experience has been that only children are more common than they were a generation ago, so finding friends to socialize with has been easy. I've never felt that our daughter has lacked in relationships with other children. At first, though, I was also hesitant to have an only child, but was reassured after reading Bill McKibbon's Book "Maybe One". The first half of the book presents research on birth order and only children and the research overwhelming suggests that onlies are well-adjusted and smart.

There is just no way to predict how a child will react to being an "only" - as so many of these answers have pointed out, some people think its great, and others not so much. So much of it depends on the personalities involved, as well as many other factors. My parents adopted me at birth and I grew up an only child. They were also a little older than most of my friends' parents. And we moved around (alot) in my early years. So I did feel lonely sometimes, especially as I got older and saw that not everyone came from the same type of household. I must say honestly that I yearned for a sibling most of my life - not that I felt unloved or "cheated" in any way (my parents were wonderful, intelligent, hard-working people), just that I had no one to share being a kid with. Dealing with both my parents alone as they aged, became sick, and died was a very sad experience for me - despite the fact that I have a supportive family and network of friends, I have never felt so "alone" as I do since they are gone. I understand that having siblings does not guarantee that you will all necessarily get along and be the best of friends, but it does give you a shared and common experience that I believe has alot of value. Just my 2 cents.

I am the parent of a beautiful girl, she is my only child. I work very hard had keeping her socialized (play dates). My husband & I love having only one child because we can give her more time & attention. Financially it has made a huge difference we feel. We wouldn't be able to do all the activities we do together if we had more. We also get to slow down & see things through a child's eyes again with her. She is in good health thankfully so we don't have large medical bills for any of us. I get to volunteer at her school more because my husband makes enough to pay the bills for the three of us. When his hours were cut & his pay was cut by a third at work in this economy we were still alright. For us all we have seen are positives of having only one child. My husband & I both feel we know who our amazing daughter is as a person & she knows us as real people better than we knew are parents as kids because we had siblings & just getting by seems like what our parent's did. They didn't have much time to give us. We love it & our response any time someone puts their nose where is doesn't belong is "God gave us perfection on the first time."

On a different note you could always foster a child.

I was an only child and as an adult I am happy that i am. Because my mother was and is so unstable (read my post). But I was very lonely as a child and we are working on having another child and look forward to having another. I think dd will benefite from having a sibling. But if you feel that YOU as a parent do not want to, then dont. It would be a bummer to resent your child for the sake of having another one. But if you feel in your heart that you and your husband can be the best supportive parents then do so. I am sure you will make the right decision for you and your family.

We planned exactly like you. My son just turned 4, and I still have no desire to have another yet. I did go throught a baby fever spell for a few months, and babysat a friends baby. She was 6 weeks, I soon realized I was very content with one child for the moment. I was so busy all day, it really opened my eyes as to how much I would miss out on with my son. However we are still young and I think once he is older and much more independent I will want another. I would rather do what is best for us, not plan our family around the idea that he has to have a sibling. I am an only child, and loved it. I never wanted a sibling growing up. I was always very indepentent and way more mature for my age than most. Good luck with your decision, remember there is no right or wrong, go with your heart :)

Actually, only-children are shown to be just as well-rounded, if not more well-rounded, than counterparts with siblings, for many reasons. The first is that resources do not have to be allocated to both (ore more) children, and thus the child gets the financial support for intellectual and physical developments that many other children have to take turns for; secondly, raising a child is serious business, and the less spread out a parent is, the more said parent will have the energy to devote to raising a child. A mother with two children, for example, might have to stay home to take care of both, but a mother of one has both the ability to go to work and still taking care of the child. Not only is this bonding good for children, but seeing a mother more than a housewife will actually empower that child.

So, all around, there are many, many reasons to have only one child, or if one can help it, none at all. We're starting to see organizations like UNFPA create such programs in Global South nations; it's high time we do the same here in America.

Hi,
I am an only child and had a great childhood.. I had many close friends and cousins.. My parents were able to spend alot of one on one time with me.. my dad is so special to me to this day.. he even stops by once or twice a week to say hi and mow our lawn lol :) I played alot of sports and went to a smaller school that felt like family since I stayed at that school k-12.. I have two children and it is alot different from my childhood.. we do not travel as much.. we live in a smaller house since we have the added expense of sending two children to private school..
Do not feel pressured into having another if your heart is not there :) Also on a side note the neighbor down the street is an only child and my girls call her sister :)
Whatever you choose in your life will work out the way it is meant to be.
L.

I'm in the same boat you are, but more towards not having anymore either. I also have a daughter, but shes 18 months and I too have no desire to share her with another son or daughter. I love her too much! I also always said I wanted 2 or 3, but not anymore. I work full time and it's really hard. I also was expecting more help and patience from my husband when the baby came. He wants more soooo bad, but he can't even handle the one, let alone 2 or 3. Of course he wants a boy, and for a while I told him I would have ONE more only if I could be a stay at home mom (which is pretty impossible ;) ), but I have decided no more for me. i just feel I could give her more and have more patience with her if she is the only one. I have a friend who is an only child and she loves it! I've asked her before if she would ever got lonely and she said "not really". I agree with Julie B.,"You will be able to do more and give more to an only and if that's what YOU want -then that's what YOU need to do!" and "Only have kids you and your husband really want -don't take anything else into consideration -it's too big of a deal to do that!"Good luck on your decision I know I have made mine. :)

ha. you sound like me. so i don't have much advice; hopefully others will. but i can relate. i always wanted about 3. maybe more. but they require a lot more energy & focus that i don't think i realized. my daughter just turned 5. i love her & she is amazing, beautiful, & smart.
i want another one cause they are so cute! but my daughter does mention being lonely a lot more, cause she only has a few friends & they live about an hr. away. this makes me sad. we did enroll her in a dance class recently so i'm hoping she may meet some friends there. also, i hoping this will change when she gets in school. only time will tell.
i'm still open to another baby. just not right now. & i always question if i have the energy.
but good luck to you & hope you get some helpful advice! :)

Totally up to you of course!! But I will say that now that my little one is a year old, it is so awesome to see he and his big bro together. They LOVE each other so much!! Now I have known lots of siblings who really couldn't stand each other much growing up, but are really close as adults. Just one of those things you can't predict. I had another baby because 1-I really wanted another baby!! 2-I knew my first son would flourish with a companion 3-I had MAJOR baby fever :D So I vote for breeding!!! But whatever you decide will be perfect for your family!

I think the biggest consideration here is your husband. If you were planning on 2-3, then dropping to 1 on your own is not exactly cool. If he's on board with it, I think the best thing to say to people who bug you is, "I don't know, I think we might actually be done!" I've also thought it was great when friends of mine announced "we feel like our family is complete." They've done that after a baby was born, but you could say it, too.

I raised my 2 oldest girls (4 years apart in age) and found it hard. From being able to afford things always in 2's, to spending time with each of them, having to referee their fights (or not), I wouldnt repeat it. I have a 10 month old now, and she will essentially be raised as an "only child" because of the generation gap between her & her sisters (now almost 17 & 21) I am happy that I can focus all my love and attention on her, if shes sick, i can attend to her without worry of another child, I can put more $away for her future & education, there is so much more I can do with a lone child. But Im an old lady now, I felt much different in my younger days... lol

Hi--
I am an only and I loved the attention it gave me. I am independent and can entertain myself. I suppose it can be lonely at times--just make sure you are willing to drive her to play dates (something my mother didn't do for me).

I have two (and we are thinking about a third). I love how close they are (even with nearly 4 years between them). It is absolutely adorable to watch how they love each other. I waited for awhile because I didn't want two in diapers. I was afraid I couldn't possibly love the second as much as the first. I was wrong :-)

Honestly, I think you need to go with your gut. Either way your daughter will be happy as long as you are happy :-)
J.

I'm not an only, but my roommate in college was. She seemed fine with it. She is close with her cousins. I think if you socialize your child and give her additional connections, she doesn't NEED a sibling. She just needs family. My daughter is significantly younger than her brother and sister and I am encouraging bonds between her and our great-niece and my cousin's children so she has kids of similar ages to play with at family events. She also has a couple of friends who may be onlys and we try to get the kids together regularly for socializing.

I'm not an only and I don't have an only, but one thing you might consider is if there will be cousins nearby growing up. Can they help form some of the closeness that you describe with your siblings?

Just my two cents, yeah? I'm not an only (actually, I'm a twin, and we're the oldest of five. heh) That said, I had my second child specifically because I wanted a playmate for my first. My first is a girl, and I love her to death. When she was 2, I had my second (a little boy). He's four and she's two now, and they're a riot together. It's crazy around here, most days, but I wouldn't change anything.

That said, everybody's life has its own Plan. You'll figure out yours. :-)

as a mother of two, i completely love the fact that my children have someone to play with. i would be more than willing to have another one but my husband is on the edge of not wanting one becuase we wanted them close together.
i would also discuss it with your husband being that you have a girl. There is no one to carry on his family name in your family.
but every family is different. hope this helps!

Well, I think you need to ask yourself a simple question. Both you and your husband love your siblings and consider them your best friends, right? Then do you really want to keep that experience away from your daughter? Knowing what you and your husband have in your life now with your siblings are you okay with your daughter living a life without any brothers or sisters? All the extra things you can do for an only child is wonderful, but when your both gone none of the extras (vacations, private schools, lessons...) will be there to comfort or understand her own personal family dynamic the way a sibling can. And because you love your sisters, I'm sure you can see that. Also, it seems like so many people keep saying that lots of siblings don't get along. The truth is, most siblings do get along, we just don't think about it because it's so natural. When they don't get along that's when it stands out to us. I bet when people think of you, they think of all of your great qualities and not that you're a woman that gets along with her siblings because unless you say otherwise, the assumption that you love your family is obvious.

It depends on your parents' age, health, and finances. I was an only child and my motto was, "an only child is a lonely child". My reasoning was that you were the oldest, the one in between and the youngest all at once. You always got everything you wanted even if you were told you couldln't have you could find a way to get it. I always wanted an older brother (almost had a step but he too was an only so we fought like brother/sister).

As another poster mentioned not having a lot of sibling ties but close friendships does help a lot. You are more mature and can do things that others can't because it is you. Many firms like to hire only children because they are more detailed oriented.

I wanted more than two but moving around with the military it didn't happy. Besides finding decent housing for more than two children can get costly if it is availalbe. We were able to provide for them and not lose ourselves in the process.

Do what you feel is right for you as that is all that matters.

My best to you.

The other S.

PS My parents were from the Depression era and their thoughts on life were and are much different than they are today. I am frugal and we do have too much of "save it for a rainy day sutff" in our house that is soon leaving.

Yes, being an only child is extremely lonely for a child. They want interaction with siblings - preferably close in age - playmates. A parent is not the same as a sibling to have that - and I feel its a bit selfish for parents to only have one child - better to have none in that case. For those who can't do it naturally, then adopt. I feel very strongly about a child having siblings. Here is something you can read:

http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/06/14/reviews/mckibben-ch...

check out "voluntary human extinction." they list lots of good reasons not to breed, and alternatives to meet the reasons people give for breeding. as far as personal experience, i had two, 11-1/2 years apart so in many ways they were both "onlys". they are happy and fine. as long as you have other people in your life, kids don't need siblings.