The "Daddy" Talk

Isn't it amazing that so many people are in this same situation?? I am right there with ya!
When I got pregnant my sons bio left when I was 7 months and went back to his home country. Didn't tell me he was leaving, just left in the middle of the night like the coward he is. He did NOT want the baby, begged for an abortion, and then decided to have nothing to do with us. After my son was born we were in a horrible car accident where my son spent a month on life support and another month in recovery. He knew about it and never showed up. I lost track of him for about 3 years, and then found out that he was in the area again, so I went to his work with paperwork from the courts so that he could sign over his rights, which he did. Could you get your son's bio to do that??
I married my best friend of 5 years. He was there through the pregnancy, and was in the hospital when I had my son. He was one of the first people to see him. He and I married when my son was 7 months old.
I told my son when he was about 4/5 that my husband was not his biological dad. I told him that he did not help put him in my belly, but that he loved him from the time he was in my belly. I talked about how when we got married, Papa married me AND Elijah (my son) and aren't we lucky that papa chose to be my husband and his dad?
I too thought about saying that his bio died, it really would make life so much easier, but I will not lie to my son either. I told my son that if he had any questions about ANYTHING that he can always come and ask me and I will do my best to honestly answer him (with age appropriate wording, of course).
I struggle with knowing whether I told him too early, or if I should keep on telling him as the years go by that he is adopted. I don't want him to feel like we are always talking about it. But, so far we have only talked about it twice and it does not seem to affect him in any way. (he is 7 1/2). I don't know how to explain when he is older, "why" he left. I too, struggle with that. I think I will just say, "he wasn't ready to be a dad. He didn't want to be a dad. I loved and wanted you and so I kept you, found a much better dad, and life has been good, no?" (when in reality I want to say, "he was a coward, an alcoholic, a druggie, a womanizer, an abuser, and I am so glad we have nothing to do with him.")
Good Luck! I struggle with this too!
L.

There is a similar situation in our extended family, which was neatly resolved by the child herself when she began calling her mom's boyfriend "Daddy-Cody." Her mom has always been upfront with this little girl and has said, "Cody wasn't your Daddy when you were born, but he's your Daddy now!" That has satisfied her for now (the little one is 2 years old). You just have to make sure that your boyfriend is in it for the long haul. In the case of the situation in my extended family, "Daddy-Cody" is starting the process to adopt the little girl, so he really WILL be her Daddy soon. Even if he and the mom break up, God forbid, he will still always be her Daddy.

There are several books I can reccommend for primary age children.
A Mother for Choco
Families are Different

are 2 that immediately come to mind. Try looking in the library or a book store for children's books on families and adoption. there used to be a great book by the writers of Seseme street that describes all kinds of family designs, but I can't recall the title and it's no longer on my bookshelf.
We have similar issues with our adopted daughter's birth father. And 9 years later he has become a different person. (our case was not as dangerous, so I am not advocating that you resume contact, only you can make that decision)
My husband and I know the story and reality, we take it day by day as to what she needs to know.
Most important in these cases is that you only answer the question being asked. Have in mind your answer that goes to the next level, but small children are looking to know, who loves them and why they are differnt from others around them.
In your case, I might ask Park, what does a dad do? Then let him draw his own conclusions about your boyfriend's role in his life.
Also, in terms of "why" he doesn't call him dad - it's because you aren't married.
What Park needs to know is - who is his forever family.

Blessings and good luck

I wouldn't have your son call him dad. Let him know that he is not his dad. You two are not married and Kirk is just a good friend that really cares about him a lot, like a dad would. If your son starts calling him dad, and later you break up, your son would be devastated. I know it's a tricky situation, but be truthful to him. Only give him as much information as he can understand right now. When he is older he will be able to understand more and know that you did the right thing by protecting him from someone who could harm both of you. Tell him it's ok that he doesn't have a dad right now because he has other people around him that love him (grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, etc) and that's what matters.

Hi, my situation is kinda similiar to yours. I got pregnant from an ex boyfriend that I was with for 7 yrs. He was a jerk and we were broken up when I got pregnant. We were not together as a couple during the pregnancy. I began dating someone when I was 5 months preg. and he knew the whole story beforehand. This guy is now my husband and has raised my first child and our other 2 all the same. He was in the delivery room with me with my first and has loved her as his own. 9&1/2 yrs. later he is the best dad. When my ex found out about him, he refused to be at the hospital for the delivery. He has only seen my daughter once when she was 4 months old. I spent a yr. taking my daughter to his parents house to see them every other weekend, then left it in their hands and have heard nothing from them in 8 yrs. It's much better this way! Anyway, I wanted to tell my daughter about her bio-dad as soon as she was able to understand to a point. When she was 7 I did all the talking and explained that there are many diff. kinds of moms and dads, divorced, married, not married, but what makes them moms and dads is the way they love, care, feed, cloth, spend time, etc. with their kids. I told her a bit of how she came about and that she was made with mommy and someone else, I said his name to her. I told her bio-dad wasn't ready to be a daddy yet and that her dad was, so he chose to be her dad. I made it seem like she was so special because not all moms and dads get to pick their children and daddy picked to be a dad to her because he loved her so much. I told her that her brother and sister were made by me and my husband, but that doesn't make them any more loved and special than her. She took it all in stride and asked for daddy to take her to the park. I didn't go into great detail of the way things are or were, I will do that as she gets older and has more questions. I would say just give your son the basics of what he needs to know now. I think the sooner you begin to explain things to him, the easier it will be for him to handle it, so it doesn't look like your're lying to him. I did tell my daughter that I waited to tell her about this because I wanted to make sure she could understand and ask me any questions about it whenever she wants. 2 yrs. later, she remembers what I said, and only every once in a whle will say "who's that other guy again that helped make me?" I tell her his name and she goes about her business. I did tell her that bio-dad wasn't very nice to mommy and that's why we aren't together because I wanted her to be around only people who could be nice and loving with her. Good Luck with everything, but I think your son will be just fine and you too!

I think now that Parker is asking, you answer some of his questions. You may not want to tell him his other family didn't want him, but perhaps not everyone is ready to take care of children and aren't ready to be a family. Explain sometimes it happens, but remind him how happy you are to have Kirk be a part of his life.

So I have to support Danielle's comment about the donor. As much as you want to, you don't want to say he died and as well, probably a good time to stop calling Parker's Father the Donor. I hated my daughter's father too...I know hate is a strong word for some of you, but nothing express the rage I felt when in discussion with him. However, he is still Parker's blood and natural father and Parker will make his own decisions about him. Your rage toward him won't be appreciated by Parker. Possibly if you continue, Parker will learn this is a sore spot for you and will pull that card in a heated battle with you...maybe not now, but when the right age comes about. Gain Parker's respect in this area and call the man by his name and let go.

Tell your son that there are all kinds of families. In your family, you are his mom, and Kirk is his dad. You can also tell him that he has another dad that he hasn't met and that you don't know where he is. If he asks why, you can tell him that you don't know, or you can tell him that he wasn't ready to be a dad.
I really like R.M.'s response about saying, "Isn't it great that Kirk chose us to be his family?!"

You are not married and I would save that special title for when you are. You don't want him to have 2 or 3 "dads" just incase things don't work out. My 2 oldest boys are not my husbands kids biologically but he has raised them since they were 1 and 3. At 16 and 18 he is their dad. They call him dad and he is the one they come to when they need help or love or anything. But that didn't start until we were married and I was sure.

Well I don' know that I will be much help, but here is my 2 cents. When my son was little (about 2) I started telling him about drugs and how babys are born and all kinds of stuff like that. Everyone I told about this called me a bad mom. Why would I tell a 2 year old the real way a baby was born. I just kept telling him anyway. He is now 6 and very much gets everything I told him. Now that he is older I have had several people tell me that they wish they would have talked more to there kids that way and told them the truth to start with. I would talk to your boyfriend and get a story togeather so he only gets one verson of it. And tell him like your telling him a really great story of his life, and just keep telling him and telling him the story. When he gets older he will finaly get the story and stop asking or he may want to know know more, but at least you will have the good basics down and your can have something to build on. good luck!

I'm not exactly sure how to respond but are you married to Kirk yet? You may still be confusing the little guy by living with someone. First, honesty is the best policy. Tell him the truth. We adopted our children and we have always told them that they are adopted. We don't know anything about the birth dad and that has come up once. I guess I better figure out the answer to that also. Tell him it takes two people to have children but one didn't want to take responsibility. A dad is someone who cares for you and loves you and Kirk is that person in his life and hopefully will always be that for him. I think I would leave it at that for now.

I think if a child is old enough to ask a question they should get an age-appropriate but truthful answer. What about telling him that sometimes people get to choose their kids/families (similar to adoption) and that, "aren't we lucky, Kirk chose us?!" Tell him that Kirk is not his biological daddy, but he is his Chosen Daddy, and the reason you still call him Kirk is because the two of you are waiting for him to choose Kirk back to be his Daddy whenever he is ready. You will need to figure out how much to explain about the biology of it, and you won't be able to use the standard "when mommies and daddies are in love...". I don't know how to explain that part.

As for the honesty about awful donor dad, I think honesty is best. My bio father was a piece of work too, and my mom was honest with me when I was old enough to ask things. I personally never felt bad that he didn't love me enough. My mom made it very clear that it was a failing on his part. That conversation will likely be a lot further along in the future though.

I would personally choose to be honest and approach it in ways he can comprehend as time goes on.

My son is almost the same age, and the day before his 2nd birthday I was diagnosed with cancer. People couldn't believe that we had frank conversations in front of him, took him to chemo sessions, etc. I didn't understand why I would want to hide the truth of a serious situation.

My parents hid their story from me until I was 16 - they'd been married 2 years less than they'd always told me and my sisters. They'd gotten married because my Mom was pregnant and are still together almost 40 years later. But, the lies made for a bad situation when they finally revealed the truth.

We all know that being a dad is about investing in the child's future and well-being. So, your current boyfriend is definitely his dad and, as long as he's comfortable with Parker referring to him as such, I'd explain the situation.

He'll soon understand that Moms and Dads make babies. The details will become more important as time goes on, but he'll also understand the biology vs. the choice to be involved and to actually be a dad.

My advice is to be honest, to provide as many or as few details as necessary based upon his age, and to make sure he knows that Kirk loves him without question.

tell him there is a difference between a father and a daddy anyone can be a father but someone special is a daddy. and kirk will always be his daddy and donor will always be his father. explain to him kirk didnt plant the seed( do this age specific) but the father did. and also tell him some people have more than one daddy. case in fact my other halfs mom died when he was 4 he had two moms but only one mother. he calls them his first mom and second mom. or his real mom and his mom. whichever comes out of his mouth at the time. hope this helps good luck