The Concept of "No" with a 13-Month-old

Hi M. W, I am a retired preschool teacher, mom of 2 and Nana of a 7 month old and 2 1/2 year old grandsons...I found that using "not allowed" rather than "NO" evoked a better response. Using terms such as "that's dangerous" or "don't touch" seem to make them think before they can just shout back at you NO!! Remember too to chose your battles carefully, not everything is life and death. God Bless, S. V

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Hi M.:
You should get a lot of positive,helpful responses on your request.Many experienced mothers here,will tell you,that using the word NO to redirect A child is not Productive. And they are absolutely correct. Your daughter,is maturing,becoming more independent.She wants to feel she can spread her wings a little. (Prove to you,that she's getting big) Hearing the word NO continuously,makes her feel bossed around,held back from progressing,or having fun experiencing things on her own.After only a short time,the word NO becomes old,meaningless,or goes through one ear and out the other,as it becomes repetitious.There's been many a time,I've stood in line at the market,and bit my tongue,as I witnessed a mother echo over and over No ---No--- No---- No--- No I think to myself...knock it off!! She doesn't hear a word your saying! This may work in training A family pet,but this is a little individual were talking about.I mean if her mother is annoying me with her parroting, imagine what the child must be feeling."Nag "Nag Nag" How about ? "Not today" "After dinner" Would you hold the cookies for mommy?"Lets go home and play". Then drop it! We're adults,and we have to use what logic the good lord gave us.Distract your daughter,with something else.Its not that difficult.We're adults.We've got the know how.Don't play a battle of the wills with your child.It's like dangling a piece of candy in front of them and repeatedly denying it to them.Some parents feel they need to do this to show they are in charge.It's not necessary to torment your child to get this message across. They already know your the boss. You need to get up and move them sometimes.You need to help them focus their interest on something else.That's all part of our job as parents. Use any word BUT no,if you want your child to begin listening,and use a soft voice,so they will strain to hear,instead of tuning you out.I wish you and your darlin daughter the best.J. M

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This is very normal behavior. There are very few ways of avoiding it. It takes a lot of retraining to get though it and to the other side. One thing that you can do is add the positive direction to the correction of her behavior. For instance, "No. We don't bang the cupboard doors. We leave them alone. Show me how you can leave the cupboard doors alone." When my kids were young I'd have them wave their arms (like a denial) when showing them things they weren't allowed to do or touch. Eventually they would go over and wave their arms to show me that they understood the rule about not touching .

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A UCLA survey from a few years ago reported that the average one year old child hears the word, No!, more than 400 times a day!

I say that is way too many. When my kids were young we used words like DANGER, HOT, FRAGILE, HURT, OUCH, GO HERE, stuff like that. We redirected them without saying no. My girls are 13 and 10 now and they are babysitting. I hear them using those words with the kids they are watching.

The same holds true with fun things. If they picked up a ball i said FUN, PLAY, WOO HOO, stuff like that. I made her toys way more fun than my toys. We never had any power struggles.

Be creative. Use real words. Make her feel safe. She will remember it forever.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

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My daughter is also a strong-willed child. I was surprised at how angry she appeared to get when she didn't get her way. I finally started to give her a pillow to lay on and her bears when she got angry/agitated and I had to remove her from a situation. That helped calm her down. That phase passed but has recurred a few times (recently at 3!). Giving her a safe place and way to calm herself down will serve her well in the future. A few times, she has offered me a pillow and one of her bears (we both needed a time out!), so it works.

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Some kids (OK, and adults too) cannot stand to be told "no" about anything. It doesn't matter if it's done sweetly, kindly, timidly, angrily, authoritatively or in passing, they just hate to be told they can't do something. And they hate just as much the idea that someone else is making that choice for them. Your daughter seems to be one of those people. That's not a reflection on you or her, it's just her brain chemistry. Remove her, or the object, when she won't listen, keep calm, and enforce the rules, especially regarding safety, whether it makes her angry or not.

A story about my daughter, who hates "no:" We were once vacationing in a national park when she was 10. The snowmelt was swelling all the waterways, and at one point in the river, just above a waterfall, there were many, many large signs, printed in red, warning us of the dangers: extreme cold that could cause hypothermia in minutes, fast moving water headed to the drop off of the waterfall, sharp rocks, swirling currents and more, all beginning, "DANGER!" and ending the same way: "Keep Out of Water." My daughter proceeded to ask me if she could swim or wade. I said, "Do you see all the warning signs?" She sighed and said, "Yes." I said, "OK, did you READ them? Did you see what they say?" She rolled her eyes and gave me another annoyed, "Yes!" "OK, then, why are you even asking?" Her response? "It just says it's dangerous. It doesn't say don't do it." Oh, my goodness. So my mom reply was, "I say don't do it, and I'm the mom." (She complained for the rest of the trip that, "Everybody else gets to, but you won't let me.") She's now a lovely, bright, accomplished adult - who still hates the word, "no." ;P

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Hi M.,

I can totally understand the guilt with constantly saying "no". Try to take a different approach. Instead of "no"' redirect her, this lets you get her away from a bad/dangerous/annoying situation and gets her into a better one. You can say things like "we're going to go play ***** now", "let's be a big girl and go in the living room now", "let's remember that it's quiet time now, shhhhh, so let's color"... You get the idea. That way she is learning a not to do the offensive behavior and not hearing "NO" all day. Keep in mind, a child's job is to test limits, to see what is really acceptable. Your job is to teach them appropriate ways to spend the day. You will both feel better throughout the day when you can do so without a power struggle.

When I ran a daycare, it became a constant game between the staff to catch each other saying "no" and offer a better way to redirect the situation. We made a rule that "no" was only for emergencies, to prevent injury. It worked and it made a FAR more positive atmosphere for everyone.
Good luck!
H.

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It takes awhile for them to really understand what no means. Thirteen months is still pretty early to grasp the concept. Continue saying no. Eventually she will catch on. Also remember that you still need to redirect at this age. Tell her no, then direct her attention to something else that she can get into and play with. Let her know that it is ok to be in that area of your house. That way you are showing her what is acceptable and not acceptable to you. You'll see when she starts to understand no because she'll look at you first before doing it, knowing that you'll say no, and then most likely do it anyway after you say no. That is when we started time outs with my son (just for a minute). Certain areas like the stairs automatically earned him a time out. Otherwise, we give him a warning no and then it's time out. That has helped enforce the no's plus a minute in the corner is not traumatizing. While he is in time out we explain to him why we don't want him to do what he was doing (typically "owies" is the reason) and after a minute he gives us hugs and he typically doesn't do it again that night. Disciplining is hard at this age, but just watch for signs of your daughter's ability to grasp what you are saying and you'll move at the right pace for her and hopefully be able to remain patient. Good luck!

i found that "no" does not work with my son. in happiest toddler on the block they mentioned using gutteral/growling noises. they also liken toddlers to neanderthals. so, i started making a growling noise and now i just say "uh uh" and he responds much better to that. then we redirect him but toddlers are learning to make their own way in the world and so they are testing their boundaries and yours. it's a fun yet frustrating stage. :)

Hi Mitzy, I'm from old school, and yes I think you are inforcing NO in a healthy way, what I did when my tots got to the exploring stage, and if they touched something they were not suposed to I tap their hand when I said no. If she is yelling back, then what she is doing in starting back talk really early, and that needs to be nipped in the bud because, you can't say well we don't want her saying NO, so we can't say NO, because then you are putting yourself on the same level with your child, your the adult, you are supossed to say NO. I have a 13 month old in my daycare he's doesn't talk yet, but I will tell him Elisha No and he will point his finger at me an mumble in a tone like he's telling me off, and as cute as that is, I pop his butt in the playpen,. he's not mine so I can't really dscipline him, they way I would my own, but he is learning what is accepted and what isn't and thats what you need to establish with your child. J.

One of my friends tried using a different word than "no"- I think they used "stop". They also incorporated it into a game of baby red light green light. They would play and say "go" and let the kid do whatever- dance, play, be silly, then when they said "stop" they would help the kid stop whatever they were doing. Once the game stuck, it was a bit easier to get him away from "no-no" areas, but I'm not sure if it was full-proof.
On another note, my daughter would get VERY angry when I would try to tell her to stop doing something she wanted to be doing. The only way I found that seemed to help a bit was to redirect her to a different activity so she wold forget about whatever it was I didn't want her getting in to. :) Good luck!