That 14 Year Old Mouth

I have had this book suggested to me many times by many different people throughout the past 5-6 years. I finally got it last weekend and read it. It is AMAZING!

Parenting with Love and Logic. It is by Cline and May (I can't remember their first names). It talks about this problem (and every other problem area when raising kids, from infants to adult. I would HIGHLY recommend it. Good luck! You are SO not alone!!!

I love the book The Power of Positive Parenting. It gives real life situations and resolutions. You might like it.

Sit down with him, one on one, and calmly discuss the problem. Ask him why he is being rude and disrespectful and how you can work together to change things. Explain to him that his actions are not acceptiable and you want his input on how to make mornings run smoothly. Then the hard part, really listen to what he has to say.

I didn't read all the responses so i may be repeating answers but man...14 is only the beginning of that "rough" age for boys and girls.

I more or less ignored the behavior and opted for a more...hey...if you're talking to me like that you must have something really bad going on because I am NOT talked to like that...do you want to talk about it approach...

My son was 15 when we had our falling out as it were. I had to tell him to leave my house if he was going to act like that and when he came back home me and the boy ended up...at midnight...on a school night...in the Kroger Parking lot crying allot. Talking allot.

Hormones are raging. Peer pressure is hard. They are teetering on that ledge of being a kid and wanting to be grown. Their bodies are changing...

To put it mildly...it's crazy nuts.

I never 'excused" the behavior...I just never saw it as a vindetta against me...it was more or less...so I'm the one your lashing out at...but is it fair...

It's different with each kid. But one thing I do know keep the lines of communication OPEN. 24/7.

I didn't want to be at Kroger at midnight on a school night...but that's when HE was ready to tell me what had been going on. I also didn't expect to be sitting in the floor of my kitchen at 230am eating little debbies while leaning against the stove either with my crying child as he tried to make sense of the world around him either...but it's when HE was ready...and I didn't want to be another person in his life to say...not right now.

Sorry Tangent...but about the mouth. Talk to him calmly. Let him know it's not acceptable because you have EARNED the right to be spoken to in an intelligent manner. Make sure he knows he has an opinion and it's valued...IF he talks to you in a respectful tone.

And don't hold a grudge. It's not worth it. Its not you he's mad at...you're just the closest target. And it's not forever.

My oldest is 20...and he still finds the most unopportune times to talk... and I am still there...24/7...to listen.

Albeit a bit exhausted...

Smiles and good luck to you.

I have a 14 yr old daughter and that is an issue at our house as well. She is a GREAT kid and I love her dearly but sometimes her mouth is unbearable.

I am not a morning person either so we pretty much have quiet mornings. My hubby leaves by 6am or earlier. She gets up at 630 and just lays in bed with me for talk time until 7. That has helped us each get into the "wake up" process.

Now, when it happens other than the early morning....I take her phone. She believes she cannot survive without her iphone. I don't keep it too long, just until I have a sincere apology. She knows now that EVERYTIME she mouths off in a disrespectful manner, I get the phone.

My problem with her lately is that she is running late for everything. That is a pet peeve of mine right up there on the list of RSVP and thank you notes. I'm trying to find a way to cure this tardiness that is happening now.

Your words are very true....in the afternoon, they have forgotten all about what they said, how they said it. I read a book not too long ago about teens and the outbursts. I read a book not too long ago that was SO on target and happens here sometimes.

"Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" by Anthonly Wolf

Good luck! I am anxious to see your responses as well!

Just wanted to share that I was once that mouthy teenager, and I’m still not a morning person. I spoke disrespectfully to my mother, and she used to calmly respond, “Ill talk to you when you are ready to talk to me like a young adult.” It absolutely infuriated me but shut me right up. When I began teaching, I frequently used my mother’s words with my eighth graders. Worked like a charm with them, too. Now, my mom is my best friend. As a teenager, I never would have imagined the relationship we have now. I’d venture to say, she feels the same way.

Don't you hate your alarm clock? The sound grates on your ears and gets you up?

I know how you feel but you have to be so forgiving. Seems he is cranky but still loves you once he gets his head together.

Does he have an alarm clock of his own? Let him know how you feel (nicely). That he hurts you when you wake him so you bought him a really nice alarm clock and its time he gets himself up and ready in the a.m. You love him but its apparently time he starts preparing for college mornings and for work life by himself.

Make sure no cell phones, texting, computer and tv after 9pm on school days. He may need more sleep.

Let it go. You have to let it go. When he leaves you life can be pretty tough and he needs you on his side, always.

Try this and see where that gets you. Use your time in the morning to get ready and make a good breakfast.
He may suffer tardiness a couple of times but the embarrassment of detention might cure that. It's okay to let the 1st morning teachers know what you are doing so they are more understanding. They will probably praise you and support you and him too.

Love to you both. C.

L.,
Teenagers are tough business. Do your best not to take it personally. That is very hard to do.

It is hard being them. Their hormones are raging and their brains are developing. I am not suggesting there should not be consequences. Other mom's have given you some ideas. I would take the anger out of it. If you don't work just go about your day if he doesn't get up. When he does get up take him to school and let the consequences fly without an excuse from you. I might even call the school and have the counselor ready. You can discuss consequences with him/her, but don't let your son know you called. Failures are sometimes the best way to learn. Be sympathetic and don't give more consequences. Let the school be the bad guy and maintain a loving relationship with your son.

First of all I've never done this, but heard this will stop the problems...
Tell him you will get him an alarm clock but he has to get up on his own, or you can tell him you will give him one wake up announcement but it's up to him to get out of bed and get ready, tell him what time you will be leaving (Do this the night before). You can either wake him up or let him use his alarm clock. If, and most of the time, he'll sleep thru it because you always make sure he's up in the past, so he knows you can sleep in and wait for you to really get him up. Most likely, by the time you are ready to leave, he'll still be sleeping, LEAVE, go to work, or take your other kids to school. Go to the school, tell the office, your son didn't want to get out of bed, so what ever they want to punish him with, so be it. You probably won't see him until you get home, doubtful, he'll go to school on his own. He'll be mad when you get home, let him know, he's a big boy now, that you let the school know he wasn't there because he was sleeping. The next day he'll get up and go to school and he won't give you grief...
Again, I've never done this, but I hear it works GREAT!

I'm with you. I've been there with my daughter and my feelings would get hurt too. Not only that, it's a horrible way to start the day for both.

One day I decided I was not going to wake her up anymore. We went to the store together and let her pick an alarm clock that she really liked. I told her to set it to her favorite station. In addition, I've asked my husband to help, she seems to react better with his voice in the morning. In addition, I explained to her that all the time I wasted trying to get her up I will now use to make her breakfast and pack her lunch - I really enjoy doing this.

So far, it's working out and she loves the extra attention with her breakfast. We're getting along so much better and I don't dread every morning.

Good luck!

Dear L. T,

Why don't you try giving him a big hug on the way out the door in the morning, even if you don't feel like it at the time? Tell him how much you love him but how much it hurts you that he is disrespectful when he first wakes up. I bet it will make you feel so much better that you forget how angry you have been. It may even help his attitude the next morning!

Been there and done that!

Deb D

As the others say, it is time for him to become fully responsible for himself. If he is late or a no show to school because of this it is his fault. How is he going to hold a job down if he can't get to work on his own? Are you going to go to his apartment every morning on the way to work to get him up and be late? I think not. He should have had the alarm clock by age 8. As far as the disrespectful talk, he needs to learn how to respect you and not walk all over you. Yes being a parent is hard but it is as hard as you make it. We are teachers and need to show by example how to do things that will let them stand on their own when they leave the nest. Keep your cool and count to 100 if need be and take your emotions out of the situation (I know easier said than done). Leave the morning issues in the morning. Life is too short to hold a grudge over every little thing that is said and done. Good luck to you and this too shall pass. The other S.

I went through this for a short time and came up with an easy solution that worked like a charm. I told my kids, "If you are cranky and can't get yourself up and ready in the morning - then obviously you need more sleep, so your bedtime will be 30 minutes earlier. If you are still cranky and can't get up and get yourself ready with going to bed 30 minutes earlier then we will keep making your bedtime 30 minutes earlier until you can get up and get ready on time - even if you go to bed straight after school!". They started waking up happy, early and got ready on their own from then on out because they wanted to be able to stay up later.

This is just using common sense and makes them responsible for their own actions. Hope this helps.

When my son was in the ninth grade and starting to really develop a 'tude, it was worst in the mornings. Finally, it got so bad that I quit trying to get him up and he just had to be ready when I was ready to go. I was a teacher, so our hours were the same, but I didn't have a bunch of time and energy to waste on getting him out of bed, much less listening to a bunch of bull in the process. So one morning, after the first round of insults, I just left him in bed. It was HARD to do, but when it was time to go, I went. Left him there. At that age, you never know how it's going to go, but I can tell you that he was up on time without any fuss after that. Good luck! For us, the terrible two's were NOTHING compared to 14-19. ;-) Hold on tight!

I have a few thoughts about this:

1. It sounds like he's not a morning person. Being anti-morning myself, I can sympathize, but he needs to start learning how to deal with his morning-light-hating tendencies so he doesn't take them out on someone else. As much as I am not a morning person, my husband is even worse. He manages dozens of people at his office and he has had to let them know that they will get a much better response if what they need can wait until after 12. Still, he works hard at not being too big of a jerk before noon. Grunts and moans are typical responses. He has been able to set expectations and things go pretty smoothly. Certainly, your son is old enough to recognize when his morning attitude has crossed the line and you can teach him to be humble and apologize. Cut him some slack though and don't expect conversations or pleasantries. Agree to respectfully avoid each other in the mornings until his mood improves. It sounds like it is not too long of a wait from wake up time to the drive time. It will be hard, but relinquish the responsibility of preparing for school to your son and silently hold him accountable in the mornings (see #2) . People who ARE morning people don't seem to understand how grating it is to even hear "good morning" when all you want to do is crawl back into bed. Agree with him to silently go about your mornings as long as he takes responsibility for getting himself ready. Of course, this also includes any major discussions you need to have. Those are best received at another hour of the day. Ask him what time of day is best to discuss the important issues that need to be addressed before the following day's school.

2. He's old enough to wake himself. Get him an alarm clock if he doesn't have one already and let him know that you won't be waking him. Teach him how to set it if necessary and discuss what time is reasonable to wake up to get to school on time. If he's not ready on time, leave without him. Send him to school the next day with a note explaining that they should enforce whatever consequences they usually would for students who don't show up at school. I bet it doesn't happen more than once.

3. Along the same lines, once you have discussed how he feels in the mornings and that out of respect for that, you'll leave him be until he's ready to engage in the family each morning. Don't tolerate the disrespect. If you can agree to let him manage himself in the mornings and can agree to a pact of silence, if he still smarts off, it's time for some logical consequences. Once he smarts off to you, if you don't have anywhere to be, slip back into your pj's or snuggle on the couch with a book. When he complains that he needs you to take him to school NOW, calmly say "no" and return to your book. He'll get irritated for sure and demand or ask again. You calmly respond with "no." Eventually (perhaps after many "no's" he will come to the conclusion that his nastiness toward you has backfired for him. He may apologize, get angry, etc. Simply, tell him that when he speaks to you that way, you don't feel like accommodating his demands. Just don't take him to school. Apologizing is part of growing, but he needs to learn that letting his mouth fly free and then apologizing later when he wants something, doesn't cut it. He needs to control his mouth before he needs something from you. Again, send him with a note the next day asking the school to follow through with whatever consequences are typical for an unexcused absence. It will be a quick turn around, I bet. If you do have some place to be that morning, leave without him.

My youngest is in that stage also. She is 14 as well. I have not found anything to remedy this behaviour, but I did hear some interesting facts that kind of help make it more tolerable. Studies have shown that the brain going through puberty swells slightly from hormonal changes, causing irritability similar to what women experience with pms. I try to remind myself of this and not take it so hard or personally, but it is tough to live with. They outgrow it usually between about 18 to 20 years old. That is a long time, so good luck.

Hi L.,
I don't have a teenager (yet), but can understand how hurt you must feel. Just remember that he is going through a stage and how you react to it could determine whether it is really just a stage or becomes something permanent.

You say he gets plenty of sleep, but that may not be true. I read recently that the brain of a teenager is developing at the fastest rate that it's developed since those baby years (birth to 2 years old) and that teenagers, as a result, need tons of sleep. Not QUITE the 11 hours per night of young infants/toddlers (plus 2 - 3 hours of naps), but about 10 hours per night!!).

Also, if he's on his computer or watching TV right before bed, then that may be keeping him up later than normal(the flickering of the screen and images is supposed to stimulate the brain). I've read that turning the TV off for at least 1/2 hour before bedtime helps improve sleep patterns. And, if he has a computer or TV in his bedroom, then he could be up MUCH later than you know...

You may want to sit down with him, armed with this information, and discuss the types of things he says to you (since he seems to forget them), how it makes you feel, whether he feels he needs more sleep, what kind of changes you can make to his night time routine that will help him fall to sleep earlier, etc.

I hope this helps!
D.

Hi L.!
I taught middle school for seven years. I noticed that they change in personality from 6th grade to 7th grade and then even more from 7th to 8th. (and it's not a pleasant change!) I loved teaching them and once I figured out the discipline part of teaching, we had fun in my music classes.

We (teachers) were trained in Love and Logic and Great Expectations (great expectations is character building). Go to http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-145-parenting-teens-wi...

I know it's tough when they are smarting off, but you cannot allow it. Obviously it's already been going on, but you need to be super tough. Let him know it's not an option to speak disrespectfully. He has to know there are consequences. Make it a problem for him to be rude to you. A big problem and he'll think twice before doing it again! Good luck! Blessings, Stephanie

Not sure if I can help, but I can tell ya that you are not alone. Its gotta be the age, thats what people keep telling me. I have a 13yr old boy who has been getting very mouthy as well as lying about everything. I found out by checking his grades online that for a couple of months he has been lying to us about schoolwork. We check the grades frequently but have been trusting our son. We found out that he hasnt been turning anything in and is getting trouble with his mouth at school. The only things that works is when we ground him, everything gets taken away. He has to earn them back. We took away his computer, vidfeo games, outside time, and spending the night at friends house. He gets to earn one thing of my choice when I see that he is doing better. It seems to be working because he says he is so bored.
All I can tell ya is to try and take things away that mean something to him. Tell him that when he starts to show you some respect, then he can earn one thing back. As soon as he acts up again, you take that item away again. My son has now been grounded since spring break. He has only earned one thing back. It may take time, but I think he will shape up.

Good Luck! Keep us posted!

Re: problems getting kiddo out of bed
A school counselor from years ago had the same problem. She finally got the kid out of bed and took him to school in his PJ's. Never happened again. lol Just make sure these PJ's are decent for public display.

I reared 5 children. One was NOT a morning person. I had to let her figure out HOW she wanted to wake up in the morning in time to get where she needed to be. Even today, I don't call her early on her days off. Not, that is, if I want to have a pleasant conversation. But I always knew it wasn't ME she was attacking, it was the TIME she was attacking. Teens do need more sleep than they think, and I found mine reading and talking on the phone sometimes until the wee hours.

well at least you know that your behavior is wrong thats a start. teenagers r full of emotions, fleeting emotions. if he doesnt remember what he did by the time that he gets in the car than obviously he is not doing it on purpose. instead of taking the childish route( a tit for a tat) leave him a letter in his room and word it calmly. focus on the things that you love about him and then calmly state what is upsetting you and be optimistic that he will be able to remedy the situation. leave it in the privacy of his room and do not mention it again. if you harp on it then you will be showing no faith in your son. good luck!

L., I hear this alot. My kids are 19 and 20. You probably should set him down when you are both in a good place, mind wise. Then tell him how much this affects you and your day as well as his. Ask him to come up with a plan. Ask what would it take to change the way you treat people when you are getting up? Now ask him, ok lets work on that plan and if you continue to treat me with disrespect what should your punishment be?? Make him come up with a punshiment. Sometimes the kids come up with something far worse than we would. Then make him a promise that if he goes into his disrespectful ways you will do the punisment that he choose, that way it gets you off the hook of being the bad guy. Remind him "you chose the punishment remember"? You must stick to the rule though. Or else he will not make any changes if you don't follow through. Now if he doesn't come up with anything then offer sudgesstions. But the two of you need to agree on an outcome and a promise. That will give some respect to each others choices. Make a contract and make him sign it. If he does not respect you or his dad then he will not respect his teachers or his future boss' of the world. I really hope this works for you. Does he have his own alarm? Make him responsible for getting up. Not you. Don't let him control you. He sounds like he depends on you. And now its just become a regular routine for him. Also compliment him when he does treat you well. Tell him thank you for being kind. Tell him how much better your day went. Look for that window of positive feedback. I know it works for us. Good Luck, P. in Texas

I was the same way with my mom at that age (actually, I was in my 20's before I outgrew it!),and I was a really good kid- we didn't fight any other time! I was not a rebellious child on any level. Some of us are just not morning people. It's kind of like PMS- you really don't have a lot of control over it. My mom & I finally decided on a "no-speak" plan. We just didn't talk to each other in the mornings because I would inadvertently hurt her feelings or make her angry.
Give it a shot- it can't hurt, and it worked for us!
Good luck!

Oh WOW! WELCOME TO MY WORLD! We are living the same mornings... What a miserable way to start your day. My 14yo son does this exact same thing! I have heard the "love & logic" techniques for parenting, but my problem with the "late" for school consequence is our boys can't drive themselves to school yet. So in our roll of training up our children there is a fine line here. At 16, and he's driving, then yes let the school administer the consequence. In this case, the consequences need to be at home because he is disrepectful to his mother! That is unacceptable!
After school my son is a loving boy. That is the time to talk. Make your son part of the solution..do you need 2 alarms, across the room, set early, shower in am, etc..? Dad needs to be in on this talk and should lead it. Set up the expectations, and then set up the consequence right then! It has to hurt! (In our house he goes Amish-no electricity ie..tv, phone, video games) FOLLOW THROUGH.
Every night before he goes to bed, ask him if the alarm is set & tell him how much you love him and how happy you are to have him as your son. In the am, say good morning and let him be. I even ask him the night before what he wants for breakfast and he packs his backpack. Streamline his am. Don't yell at him in the am if he fails, just administer the consequence. I'll just say, give me your phone-have a good day :-).

This is a process, but you should NEVER ACCEPT disrespect from your kiddos!
Hang in there and be consistent!!

Here's to happy mornings!

Two things that I recommend:

1. A man to man, "Son, you don't treat your mother that way, and NO MAN treats my wife that way." From your husband.

2. Forgiveness. You see your end of the problem. Ownership is 90% - not just of the law of possession, but of fixing a relationship problem. Forbid his disrespectful attitude - as in he doesn't have to be pleasant, but he can not be disrespectful. He can just be quiet - silent even. Forgive his sleepiness. Adolescents have a biological clock that is set to get up closer to 10 am. By forbidding the rudeness, forgiving the human ness - you can preserve his respect for you and your relationship with him. :)

S.

Dear L.;

This is a great opportunity. Your son is growing up. One sign of this is that he is beginning to resent parental control. Tell him how his behavior is affecting you and how you feel. The second to the last paragraph sums it up beautifully. Let him know that he may only live at home another four years and you want to have the kind of relationship where you both want to see each other when you are adults.

You could start by asking your son for suggestions for better mornings. If he doesn't bring it up, talk to your son about how when children become teenagers they usually begin to resent being told what to do. This is a natural result of growing up. It means that it is time for more responsibility. It is time for him to start getting up and getting ready on his own. You can set a check 10 minutes before it is time to leave. Let him know if he has not made good progress by this time, you may have to step in and "help him". In turn he will have to help you by repaying your time and stress by doing something for you to help you relax later in the evening. It is time for you to start showing him how to take care of himself.

There is a natural drive that urges us to move toward striking out on our own, even though it is alot more trouble and costs us money. This sets a great precedent. Each time your children settle into a pattern of snottiness, etc., they learn that they are telling you that they are ready for more responsibility. If they don't want this, they may straighten up. If not, at least they will learn responsibility.

Good Luck,
Jen

I know what you mean! I too have a 14 yr old!

I remember distinctly when I was 14 and mornings with my mom were less than stellar! I felt so bothered by her interrupting my sleep to go somewhere I would rather not go that I was pretty fresh mouthed and charged to fight. She would be mad, but then I'd go to school.

I was always, always completely perplexed when I came home to my haven and mother with smiles and stories for her, to find her gritting her teeth and frowning at me! What happened to her?! Then she would remind me of what I had totally forgotten--you see, I had seen hundreds of people that day, been taught things, thought about other stuff, but SHE had only had the house and the baby to see so she remembered and fumed.

As a mom, you are an adult, not a peer. You are right to require respect. Ignoring your child does not cause him to respect you--it causes him to think you dislike him and he will distance himself from you, maybe forever.

Don't greet his growlings with indignation and frowns. You smile, you be pleasant--he can't control you with his childish ways, you choose to be and act how you want to.

Some afternoon when you are both interacting pleasantly, broach the subject of mornings, and make it clear that you want to be spoken to respectfully--even if he doesn't feel like it. Let him know plain and simply that if he is rude again then you will discipline him. Make up your mind now what that will be--no ride to friends house, or take away his ipod for the day, or whatever.

Reinforce that you love him. Maintain always your smile for him and pleasant words. Don't be petty, but strengthen that backbone of yours for when he fails--he is a child and will not get it perfectly in one day--it may take a month or so of you sticking to your guns, but he will get the picture and grow up.

When a teenager sasses mom, it is not a sign of major relationship and character strain. It is a single incident of childishness and lack of self control. The whole day may be made up of incidents! Your job as a mom did not end with potty training and shoe tying lessons, it still is hard work of patiently teaching right from wrong within the safe context of your home until he is ready to start real life on his own in a few short years. Make the most of them!

Always talk to your son! :) It shows you love him unconditionally.

God bless,
A.

Read "Love and Logic"

www.loveandlogic.com

You need to immediately tell him to watch his mouth every time he steps over the line. He will forget your discipline just as quickly as he forgets his potty mouth. Boys are very "in the minute" in the teen years. You may have to correct him every morning for two weeks, but he will eventually learn. just be VERY FIRM, not angry. Tell him you WILL NOT ACCEPT that behavior.

D. Kimbriel
Grandma to 2 beautiful boys

Love him anyway. I saw something on Dr. Phil a few years ago, that I will never forget. There was a doctor there that had a replica of a brain. He removed the front part of the brain and said that it was the part that controled the thought process, he said that it was like they,(teenagers) did not have this part of the brain. At the time my middle child was 13. And then I knew what was wrong with her. I have a grown son and two teenage daughters, I must say that this is not always easy. When my children were in Jr. High I felt like I was raising pre-schoolers again. Just remember that your son doesn't always mean what he says. Obviously he needs to learn how to express his feelings. It takes a while for some kids to figure that out. Some things are not exceptable, disrepect is one. Remember to encourage and praise him in his strenghts. Kids this age still need positive reinforcement. I think that is ok to let him know that you have feelings too and how it makes you feel when he is disrespectful. And remember to be the big person and apoligize when you are wrong. These are some of things that I have done and that have helped. Do you ground him for the big stuff? Take away what means the most to him. Hang in there with him and he will be the giving, productive, and a benefit to society that we all pray that our children will be. If something comes up with him that is bigger than you, use counciling. Hope this helps.
J. W.

This might be a good opportunity to discuss with your child not only how his actions effect others but how you are human and can/will have negative feelings based on his actions. I would take a time when you're not annoyed with him and his is in a good mood- dinner? And either as a family or one on one discuss how his mood in the morning puts you in a bad mood. Keep in mind that his is a teen and will have random moods.

Something I do... I am 38 weeks pregnant and get into fun moods that really drive my husband crazy. When I'm in a rotten mood I tell him... "I am in a bad mood because" and when those unexplainable 'pissy' moods come along I just say "I'm sorry honey but I'm pulling out my pregnancy card- I am in a pissy mood." Tell him you understand he is 'human' and when he is in a bad mood let him pull the teen card- but also let him know he is still responsible for hurting others feelings. (I'm allowed to groan and moan and scowl, but it is unexcusable to say or do hurtful things). I hope this helps.

Hey L.,

Been there - it's so hard, isn't it? Except there's really nothing unhealthier for your child than teaching him the silent treatment. An alternate way of handling this, instead of allowing your anger to escalate all day, is to address it right when he comes downstairs, during breakfast. Tell him you know he's tired and that it's first thing in the morning, but when he talks to you like that he really, really hurts your feelings. Open communication is an essential skill in life....and you'll both be so much happier! And I know how much you love your son, and how much better your relationship will be if you both can share things openly.
Blessings to you - hang in there! It does get easier.

L.,

I feel for you, girl! That's a tough time of life for both of you.

What helped for me:

1. I got my son an alarm clock with very large numbers and the loudest alarm we could find (he was a deep sleeper) and we put the alarm clock across the room from the bed. He was responsible for getting up in the morning.
2. We limited our expectation of interacting with him (especially verbally!) in the morning.
3. We insisted he get everything ready for school the night before - lunch bag, book bag, clothes chosen, papers and assignments done and gathered, permission slips signed, etc.
4. We had a family meeting and discussed what the consequences for misbehaviors should be. The kids participated in choosing the consequences. Not all kids are motivated by the same things. My two kids could care less about their phones. My son is motivated by computer time, my daughter by social time with friends.
5. After our last move, the kids rode the bus! They viewed my driving them to school after that as a luxury and a privilege!
6. Somewhat worked: my husband talked with the kids about treating me with respect. I think this conversation could have taken place earlier in their lives! But we live and learn.

Our college-age son is thinking of moving back home to save on expenses. We will start the dance of negotiating relationships and living together all over again very soon! Mom and Dad and son - all on a learning curve! He's very nocturnal! We're morning/daytime oriented! Do I want to give up my sewing/craft room?
How exciting to be on the adventure of change again! Meanwhile, my husband's job has slowly eroded and we may need to move to a completely different city!

L.,
You have received very good feedback. One thing I would like to add is to suggest the book Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. I recently purchased it at our church bookstore. It is AMAZING how quickly it works once you put it into practice. It is a short read...about 70 pages and the rest is a help manual for specific things you are dealing with (i.e. disrespect, sneaking out, lying, etc.)

My daughter is 13 and although we have multiple things we are dealing with, I have found out that when I calmly tell her that disrespect is NOT allowed no matter how angry she is, then it removes the wind from her sails and she is quicker to calm down now. Before it would take hours or days.

Good luck and know you have a support system with us!

At 14 he should be getting himself out of bed. I would try to make him responsible for himself in the mornings. If he is not up and ready to go he deals with those consequences. I would talk to his school and truancy officer so that they are aware of what is going on.

Get him a really loud alarm clock. Tell him that the rule is that he gets himself up and ready independantly and is ready to walk out the door by whatever time you leave. If he doesn't do it, he loses cell phone, internet, or whatever his current obsession is for the day. Take your emotions out of it and tell him to make a choice keeping in mind the consequences. He is too old for you to be the one getting him up and ready. He should be doing that on his own.

Hi L., my son is not a morning person either. He can ruin everyones day within 15 minutes of being awake. Here are the 2 things that have worked tremendously for us...

1. He has his own alarm clock and is responsible to get himself up and ready before it's time to leave. This simple step took away the rudeness when I would wake him up or coax him to get dressed or brush teeth. His consequence for not being completely ready when its time to leave (7:10 on the dot) is going to bed 30 min early that night. I word it like this "if you're too tired to get ready on time you must need extra sleep". Of course the key is to be consistent, NO exceptions to this rule. It only took once for my son, now he is always ready on time.

2. This rule is used for any rudeness or smart mouthing... if you can't be nice to your family then you can't be nice to your friends. My son has 2 friends that come over almost every day after school. I've made him send them home twice now without playing because he broke this rule. Amazingly, the last 3 weeks he's been very respectful to the whole family again and really trying hard to be joyful. I can't believe it was this easy, we struggled with his rudeness for so long and all it took was this one silly consequence.

OK so those are my tips. My son is only 10 so they may or may not work on an older kid. If you come across anything else that works good for you, please share!!

Hi L.,

Loved reading the responses you received. I don't have a teenager yet but I have a 7 year old and she is just as bad. She is horrible to get up in the mornings and some mornings turn into a hugh ordeal. I have learned to stay calm even if she is starting to escalate. I then tell her how much time she has before we leave and advise her that I will give her a 5 minute warning. I also advise her of what happens if she is not ready...ie. goes to school however she is dressed. If teeth are not brushed or hair, oh well.

It has gotten better especially after we got the letter from the truceny officer and I explained that she could have to repeat the 1st grade. She does have an alarm and I turn it up very loud but she can still sleep through it. My policy is everything is in time out and she has to earn it. So if we have a bad morning, she doesn't earn any priviledges for the day. That has helped alot.

Anyway good luck. Hope I'm not writing this email in about 7 years.

J.

I agree with the alarm. That is old enought to get up on his own.