Ok so this year Thanksgiving is at our house. We did this so my mother could attend-going through chemo. We started taking a head count last night and it looks like 35 ppl. OMG. I would prefer not to invite my brother and wife and their clan (Total of 9ppl) - have not invited yet but feel I should and my husband's cousin (total of 4ppl) - she kind of invited herself yesterday. I thought about having some over the day after to lower the number or not inviting at all. We do have a large house - could fit 16-18 in the dining room, if warm could set up 2 to 3 tables on the back porch for kids or whoever and could rent chairs to make sure everyone has a place to sit when not eating. Thoughts - the line up looks like this:
My mother & Father
Sister, BF and daughter - friend has no family and close with us
Youngest Brother & GF - maybe if still together. I think they are fighting.
My grandparents & Aunt - they all live together up street and getting frail.
My grandparents from out of town.
BIL & GF
maybe SIL and 2 kids - but not sure out of town may do TG with MIL
is SIL comes then also MIL & FIL - out of town
Husbands grandparents
husband's cousin, wife & 2 kids
husband's cousin, husband and 2 kids - invited self not always on best terms
not invited yet but my brother, wife, child, adopted adult daughter, husband, 2 kids, her brother and cousin.
If everyone comes I thought I could have the guys take all of the kids to the park until time to eat but I don't want it to be unpleasant for anyone but I also don't want anyone to be offended if they aren't invited or invited the day after, etc. HELP!
The situation with my brother and wife in a nut shell is she is a habitual liar and tries to create some dramatic event or drama. Ex: She's sent her grandson (4 almost 5 at the time)to a mental hospital for a week and told him she wouldn't visit him. This was because he was swinging a bat and hit her son (2 at the time). She claimed he was acting out and couldn't be trusted. She'll claim to be pregnant and will even act as though she is but one minute she's telling you how sick she is and the next she's eating a greasy bacon burger with the fixins and abt the time she should start showing she says she's had a miscarriage. The last time she did this was about a month ago which made number 40+/- in "supposed pregnancies." She gets my brother and everyone there to go along with it no matter how rediculous the story. I enjoy seeing the kids from her family but not the drama.
Thank you to everyone for responding. We do normally do potluck style and I will definitely be assigning each person an item to bring. We have a one story so it would be difficult for my mother to seperate herself if needed but I do think that I will be sending all of the kids and men outside for the preparation and then after they can go to my son's room to play xbox to try and lesson the possibility of my mother getting too overwhelmed. I'll also talk with her about her immune system and let the rest of the family know not to come if they are ill. My husband and I are both from large families so that doesn't bother me as much but was just concerned about my mother. She may decide to come right before we eat or leave shortly after depending on how she feels but would love for everyone to spend some time with her and the rest of the family. I'll put my sister on SIL duty to handle any drama that might come up and I like the idea of having extra liners and other minor issues such as trash can liners or anything else that might come up already taken care of ahead of time. Thank you again to everyone.
I honestly don't know how you could exclude anyone on thanksgiving. You say your house is big enough .. sooo, what is the problem? If it's cooking for that many people ... make it a potluck thanksgiving :) you make the main dish and tell everyone else to bring a side.
I was diagnosed with a brain tumor 2 years ago next week. Thank Heaven, I am in remission now- but one of the things that gave me a lot of strength to make it through were the times I got to be around my family. Even relatives that I had not had a close relationship with for a while were a comfort. Thanksgiving with family for your mom might really make a difference in her ability to face the chemo. I would be sure to let your brother and SIL and any other potential dramatists that this is a special celebration and NO negativity will be welcomed. You DO have the power to eject rule-breakers from your house. I hope that your Holidays are a blessing! I will be sure to say a prayer for your Mom.
Best wishes-
Cynthia
Maybe have your family (you , spouse, your kids and your mom) for the dinner part. Then invite all the other people for dessert later in the day. Your mom may not be up to all the drama of a huge family event all day long but might like to see everyone at some point.
Ummm I don't see how you can invite all but one sibling just because he has a large family, unless there's an untold story between you two. Your house is big enough and trust me, you don't want to have more guests=more work the following day. Make it a bit easier by asking people to bring the sides and desserts. You do the Turkeys, ham, etc. A potluck for a crowd that large is a great idea. Also, if you have the space and if weather is not too cold, a moonbounce for the kids is good or set up an arts and crafts table to keep'em busy. If there are older kids, teenagers, put them in charge of the younger ones for a little salary. That might help a lot. Don't worry about finding a spot for everyone to sit at the dining table. Set the food up buffet style and let the elders sit comfortably at the formal dining table while the younger ones sit in other areas together. It'll be great!
Invite everyone, ask that everyone bring something & make sure you have a double dose of a sense of humor.....we all weird family members, but sometimes when their all gone me and my husband just crack up over the weirdo's.
It Thanksgiving.....just be thankful your not like all of them! LOL
Good luck,
DH
that actually seems like not that many to me, but we have a ton of people that cram into my grandma's house. (my dad and his 4 siblings, their children, their children, etc.) everyone brings food, my grandpa makes the turkey, and tables are in the living room, the playroom, the basement, whatever. It's cozy and fun. Maybe you could take some of the pressure off of yourself by having everyone bring a side dish or dessert?
It seems... this will be something you will be doing... every year?
It really is a TON of people... I really do not see why you have to invite everyone and the entire "clan" of each person and in-laws.... and their kids.
Ultimately... THIS was for your Mother, right??? Because she is going through Chemo.
Does she even want to be around that many people?
And if anyone is sick... isn't that bad for her???
To me... the priority is your Mom. Not having a HUGE mega party for Thanksgiving.... and inviting every single person... and their clan.
And how the heck... are you going to cook for that many people?
AND... when you do grocery shopping for it.... how many carts will you need? And... when you come home with the groceries... where are you going to store and keep... all of that food that still has to be cooked?
I think, it is trying to please everyone else.... and everyone else... is now 'expecting'... to be invited. And you seem to want to just please everyone... and so naturally, the others are EXPECTING to be invited... and you cannot please everyone. But I thought.... the priority was for you Mom... who is going through Chemo??? Not everyone else.
I don't know what the problem is... because you seem decided on everything already.
As long as your mom can handle all of this, go for it.. If not maybe do a quiet meal with her. Later do the big meal with everyone else.. Or opposite do a big meal with everyone else and take her some plates of food.
35 actually does not sound that big to me, but we have a huge family and all of them live here in town.. It is a blessing and a curse..
What we do is whoever is hosting provides the main dish and the Iced Tea and coffee, in this case maybe you could do 2 turkeys or a turkey and a ham..Also there are a ton of places.. even HEB roasting turkeys that you can pick up..
Then make a sign up list of the other side dishes. and items needed.. . Dressing, mashed potaotes, green beans, sweet potatoes,rolls, paper/plastic products desserts..
We have learned to never exclude anyone.. The more the merrier and no feelings are hurt.. . Also usually I am the person that comes up with activities.. Maybe you have a crazy person in your family that always has ideas for activities..
I always have a puzzle going. We have basket balls, horse shoes, volleyball. Jump rope and hula hoop contest.. we do a giant Simon Says and let the oldest and youngest call out.. After we have eaten we go on a huge walk around the neighbor hood.. I hand out kazoos.. (outside toy) .. And we make a huge parade..
We usually have between 40 & 60 people for thanksgiving. When it's at my mum's or aunts' houses (they have big houses) it's a sit down dinner. When it's at my (or another of my generation's) houses it tends to be buffet style / open house style. We push the tables against the walls, load them up with food and mill about/ perch cocktail party style.
What I'm REALLY concerned about, however, is your mother.
People undergoing chemo have compromised immune systems. Worse than AIDs patients. Having that many people in such close quarters for such an extended period of time just shouts "Danger Danger Danger" to me. Talk with her doctors, they may be fine with it, or they may go wild eyed and say absolutely NOT under any circumstances.
Do only one side of the family. Your mom is going thru chemo...So my vote is your family. From your list above that looks like
Your mother & father
Your sister, her boyfriend, & her daughter.
Your brother & maybe his girlfriend
Your grandparents & aunt
Your "other" grandparents (tho they are from out of town & might not attend?)
Your brother & his wife and their family (9?)
That would be 21 plus of course your own family. That is stil a lot alot alot of people but so much more reasonable than 35. Sheesh! No way would I do that.
As S.H. mentioned, this doesn't sound like the healthiest situation for your mom, both physically (if someone comes who is sick) or emtionally/mentally. She may not want to be "on" and be with that many people, some she may not know well enough to be honest about how she is feeling. That said, I would keep it small, or as you said, have some come a different day. Tell them you mean no offense this year is different because of the circumstances. If they take offense that is their issue and quite frankly VERY selfish. Your Mom's health and well-being takes priority this year. I'd start with those who have invited themsleves. This is a judgement on my part but if they're brazen enough to invite themselves I'm not sure how sensitive, helpful and caring they would be on Thanksgiving. PLUS with that many people how can you remotely have a chance to visit with your Mom? Also, if sickness is an issue, make sure they ALL know the guidelines so no one shows up sick or with a kid who is or has recently been sick. Anyway, I hope it goes smoothly and everyone has a good time!
First of all -find out from your mom or her doctors what the situation is with her immune system right now due to chemo. Sometimes it can be very dangerous for chemo patients to be around crowds of people.
I LOVE a giant family Thanksgiving! IF your mom is up for it and her immune system is okay, let everyone come! Growing up and through the years, we spent and often spend Thanksgiving with my father's side of the family. He has 4 siblings and they all have 2-4 kids who now have their own kids. After my grandparents got older, the families took turns hosting every year, and we always serve the food (and there is SO much good food because everyone brings a dish -the host family supplies the turkey and meat) buffet style and set up card tables and make use of porches, living rooms and that type of thing. It has created amazing memories around that holiday for me. So -I would check about mom's immune system, and if all systems are go -invite everyone and tell them to bring a side dish and/or a dessert. Y'all do a few turkeys and maybe a ham (or we always do BBQ'd venison), set up extra tables and have fun! Be sure to add -even if her doctor says it's okay -that your mother DOES have a lowered immune system, so if anyone is sick, they should sit this one out.
How could you exclude O. sibling? That would probably not be a good idea....And i really don't like the idea of strething cooking/cleaning duty over two days if you don't "have " to--just get it over with!
Great idea...send guys & kids outside or to park with a football for a Turkey Bowl Game with instructions to be back 20 mins before dinner (enough time for everyone to pee & wash their hands).
Really--with the table space plan you have I think you'll be fine. If there are not enough "table spots" for everyone--that's OK too, they won't be the first humans to balance a plate of turkey & stuffing on their knees on a sofa! Better to have the kids seated.
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I wouldn't do the dinner at home right now. Mom's health is not in the best condition. If you have to have a dinner how about a restaurant where they clean up and you can enjoy them.
This way mom is not exposed to possible germs and get sicker.
I know that I didn't always feel that great after radiation treatments and chemo is much more and she may not want to be around that many people and the turmoil.
It just seems like you are getting in over your head this year. Stop and go small if you have to have a dinner just immediate family.
My best to you and your mom. Do keep us posted.
The other S.
Besides you will be worn out for a week with all of this activity.
Find out what your mom wants and can handle.
I know Thanksgivings are often formal, but in this situation, definitely get good quality paper plates and make sure the guests know that you need to cut down on dishwashing time in case your mom needs anything.
Since you already have a potluck plan and a 'take the kids outdoors plan', I think you've thought things through very well. I hosted Christmas dinner for my husband's family one year. I had to clean the house ahead of time, but all I had to make was mashed potatoes. And everyone makes their favorite Christmas cookies. Because we had just moved in, my MIL even offered to bring the main dish (ham)! One of the easiest parties I had! There were just under 30 of us. I set up card tables around the house for seating.
Just make sure your mom knows all the plans well in advance and she feels she can handle it, and that there's a private bedroom she can sneak into when she needs to rest.
The key to a good large gathering is to invite people who can converse well and will be very low maintenance while you are busy. For example, we used to invite my family over for T-giving and my in laws side for Christmas.
Our 2 families together is almost 45 ppl!!!
And although people would get along, conversation really drops off after all the small talk is used up, unless you have people with more in common together at one time.
That many people with little in common will make MORE work for you.
Or invite your family for t-giving and husband's family the Sat or Sun afterwards. Or vice versa.
Good luck!
Go for it! Invite the whole crowd. Get it all over with in one long complicated day. You make the turkeys and the stuffing and assign everything else to them. "We would love to have you Cousin Susie, please bring 5 pumpkin pies" kind of a thing works. Send your charming sister in law off to the park with the guys if you must. In that crowd you can avoid her.
How did you get all those outlying cousins in on this?
I say there is never too many people for a party, but then I read your mother is in treatment. So, do you have a downstairs room with a bed and TV set up for her to go rest in if she needs to?
For that many people, I would send a note to those families and ask them to bring a dish. You create the menu and ask them to bring something small, cucumber tomato salad, bag of 35 dinner rolls, case of drinks (you call it), napkins, roll of paper towels, box of trash liners. You prepare the main dish and let everyone else help! Just make sure you take into consideration who you assign what to. We always asked my sister to bring drinks because she showed up late and she never put any heart into her dish.
Place a stack of toilet paper rolls beside the toilet and line your kitchen trash can with 3 liners, so when you have one of the boys take it to the outside can, it is already lined. Try to make it so no one has to holler for you to fix little problems.
