.

My mother has a drinking problem, too. For many years it ate away at me. Finally, I decided she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions. I went over to her house and talked with her and my dad. I said my peace - told her I love her but I thought she had a drinking problem and I was concerned. I told her I wanted her to be around. I also gave her information on a few treatment options. Then I let it go. it is her decision. Unless my dad and sisters are willing to get on board to "force" her to face her problem (which they are not) there is nothing I can do.

Good luck. It is a difficult situation.

Sounds like she is a functioning alcoholic and you would benefit from realizing that and getting some support. Al Anon is a wonderful group and can offer you the support and resources you need. Although it sounds like you don't have to deal with her on a daily basis most of the time, this problem has obviously affected your relationship in the past, continues to do so today, and will affect things like her health and behavior in the future. Best to call it what it is and deal with it.

I AM an alcoholic - in recovery. She's drinking for the same reason that you breath. She needs it - at least in her mind. Not b/c you stress her, or to cope with the kids, or to help her sleep, or for her back. Alcoholics drink b/c that is how we deal with any emotion - happy, sad, angry, joyous. When I drank, it was more important than eating.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Just google it with your location. Many groups will list a phone number for a local group contact. Feel free to call up that person if you want to avoid a meeting.

And then please start thinking about an intervention.

Maybe not now. Maybe not this year. But think about it.

I didn't get sober until it was almost too late. I wish someone had cared enough to confront my drinking earlier.

As far as *this* vacation - if you're not going to confront her about the alcoholism, then I wouldn't push the "my house, my rules" thing too far. No car, not in front of the kids - sure. But you don't want grandma going through withdrawals in front of the kids.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

A lot unsaid here.

You said there have been issues with drinking in the past.
Is she an alcoholic?
She is hiding her drinking from her family and that's O. sign.
If your mother is an alcoholic, you've got bigger problems than her bad breath reading to your son.
It sounds like you might need to learn something about loving an alcoholic family member, and I would suggest you do some on-line research and attend a some Alanon meetings.

Someone suggested the old "your house, your rules" approach, and while TECHNICALLY you can do this--think about all it will mean. You can say "Mom, if you are going to drink alcohol in our house, I'm sorry, you're not welcome to stay here." Make sure you're prepared for what that will look like in actuality.

"Also, when a grade school child is noticing things, it seems it is at the point where the children are being affected." Yep. DSid you know that on average, an alcoholic/addict affects 25 other people on a regular basis?

As for your question "Why would she need to drink when she is supposed to be visiting and playing with her grandchildren?" The answer is because she is sick and has a disease and the disease includes poor choices that will always feed the body's need for the drug. Would someone with a non-diseased brain sell their child for a $10 rock of crack? Probably not.

Wow, I guess first of all I would be concerned about MY MOM. It sounds like she has a problem - not a little social drinking. I think that is what you need to discuss. Has she had problems with addiction in the past? Is she interested in getting help. If not, I would at least look into Al-Anon to help you understand and provide support for you and your family. Alcoholism is a disease - not something that you and your husband disapproving of will just make disappear.

I would say it is 'Grandma's room' while she is staying with you. If she is an alcoholic I can't imagine she will give up drinking because it inconveniences your children. But she likely would confine it to 'her' room.

Honestly, she is 70. IMO, she has earned the right to have a drink when she decides she wants one. Just make sure the kids are not allowed to go in Grandma's room while she is staying with you.

First off, my heart goes out to you as my mom drank BIG time and as someone who tried from a very young age to talk to her about it, I was faced with defensiveness and downright anger. Then as my brother began to drink heavily (and want money from me) I finally called the Salvation Army Drug/Alcohol line.. I did this at first because my brother kept telling me there was NO room in their rehab program and therefore, I wanted to find out for myself if this was true or not.. Turns out, my brother was lying (as drinkers often do) but more importantly, the guy with whom I spoke was a recovering drug user and he gave me some sound advice.. it's called Tough Love, he spoke to me about ways to approach and deal with my brother... I would suggest to you that IF there is such a program near you, can you give them a call, ask them how they might handle this. Thing is, trying to do it on your own will only make you more upset. Truth is, it's too big of a problem for just one person to handle. Try and get some support behind you and find out the best approach..

I wish you all the best..

Time of day that someone is drinking is no indicator if someone is an alcoholic, as someone who posted below me seems to think. The fact that she's doing it in secret is a huge red flag. You can smell it on her. You're finding it in her bedroom where you're providing her lodging... your child's room. She reeks of alcohol while another child is in her care.

She doesn't need to be receptive to criticism. But your children need to be in a safe environment, and it's not safe when Drunk Grandma is around. Cut the visit short and send her home. You can either just tell her that it's not working out, or you can tell her the truth. Either way you can't tolerate the behavior no matter how old she is, no matter whether she's going to agree to get sober or not. It's not your job to sober her up, but it is your job to protect your children from exposure to her.

Seems like you may be banging your head against the wall with this one. If she is visiting for 10 days, and coming in on a plane, you don't have any day to day input into her life. She's over 70. So she has been around the block a few times.

I also HATE drinking and I would not have it in my house. I'm so adamant about it that my father and I simply had nothing to do with each other for the last 20 years of his life. It was not an angry thing. He simply would not give it up and I didn't want to be around it.

If you want the visit to end, then end it. But she's your mom, drinking, and probably not going to be around much longer. Is that how you want to remember one of your last visits?

I am also suggesting Al-Anon for you. Keep your kids safe. Set your boundaries. Learn about drinking problems and alcoholism and how to take care of yourself when dealing with an alcoholic.

You don't even have to make this about her . Make it about her grandchildren. Go online and get statistics about accidental overdose ingestion by children of alcohol in the home. Just let here know if she has to drink she needs to not leave things where your children could get into it or accidentally drink out of a cup it's in. You are protecting your child and not telling her what to do. If you are concerned about her actually hurting herself or others in an around your home then you may want to ask her if she could stop for the duration of the stay...warning she may go through withdrawl at your house if she is a long term drinker and seizures may be scarry to witness for a child. If she doesn't feel the need to honor your home she may need to cut her visit short to avoid further fallout.

Bottom line... your house... your rules. It does not matter if she is 70 or a 21 yr old relative. YOU have the right to set the rules for your home.
People do not have to agree with your beliefs on drinking to understand that point.
If mom wants a nightly drink... maybe she needs to stay in local hotel when she visits.

Alcoholics drink. My MIL is just like your mom. I was wondering while reading your post about finding the alcohol if this was the first time you've ever caught her drinking. But you say it has happened in the past, then yeah, she still drinks. Always will unless she realizes she no longer wants to and goes trough treatment. Which you know she won't. Of course it's inappropriate and she shouldn't do the things she's doing. Like you, my husband acts like it's a new problem she could sort of manage when she "should" and he's always surprised when she does something out of line-but he was raised by her and she's ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY! This is normal for children of alcoholics, who just don't want to believe it's as impossible to battle as it is.

Keep visits limited. Continue not letting her drive, and that's that. You can't really say or do anything, and "not letting her drink" seems sort of futile. I'd like to see anyone tell my MIL that! Let her drink. Don't let her watch the kids alone or do anything dangerous. For years I thought my MIL was "in control" of her alcoholism because her husband cares for and enables her, she never drives, she's never unsupervised, she never "seemed" drunk or out of control on any other visits....until the day I came home from errands when BOTH of them were watching the kids. She drank and entire LARGE bottle of red wine (not the normal size, the big ones we had left over from a party that no one drank because it was awful and I hadn't discarded it yet) and was slurring and acting all loud and crazy by 7pm!!!! I was only gone for 2 hours! My FIL didnt' even notice her drinking it. It was like, the minute I walked out of the house, she could quit pretending and start drinking even while watching 3 tiny kids. My husband was out of town and she was "begging me to go take some time for myself" I've never left them alone with the kids since. It was the first time I let her "babysit" and she didn't even try to behave.

Your mom's only hurting herself to be remembered as stinky grandma, which is very sad. Just keep watch at all times and don't try to change her. I don't want to sound cold, but you can lovingly explain to your kids that grandma has a problem and be honest about it when the littles are old enough to understand. Other than that, let your mom be herself and spend her time with the kids while being careful about it. She's 70. She doesn't need you bossing her around and making her feel bad. My mom is that age and refuses to eat right or exercise. Her choice. She knows her health is suffering for it. She knows how I feel about it. It's not my call. I used to try to get her fitness gifts and healthy food and recipes...you know how it goes. People do what they want. Alcohol is a much tougher battle. Let her be.

Because she is an alcoholic and she needs the drink. I don't think having the drink in your teen's room is a real issue; the real issue is that she's an alcoholic and needs help. So, get off your high horse because the room belongs to your teenager, and use this as a teaching opportunity to discuss alcoholism with your kids.

By the way, if your mom is an alcoholic, your kids are predisposed so you should spend a great deal of time talking to them about addiction and letting them know that the consequences of giving in to peer pressure where alcohol is concerned is a worse decision for them them than possibly their friends because of their predisposition.

IMO, you should calm down, get yourself together and then try to talk to your mom about her alcoholism. Don't be judgmental and definitely do not come at her angry or with any sort of attitude other than an attitude of wanting to help. She is probably lonely and alcohol fills that void.

Maybe it is time for an intervention. Good luck and I'm sending some prayers your way.

If she didn't know your house rules of only drinking alcohol after x time, and in y location... getting mad at her for drinking in her room at an unapproved time seems a little excessive.

If you'd told her, though, that she was only allowed to drink in the kitchen (or whatever approved place is allowed) between the hours of x-pm and z-pm and she agreed and then went behind your back instead of discussing it with you... then I can see being upset. Otherwise, how is she to know? People have very different practices and habits surrounding alcohol. Many only drink at lunch, others on weekends, others the occasional glass at dinner, while some have daily nightcaps before bed... the list goes on.

I have family members with drinking and drug problems and would never let them stay in my house so I guess you are a step ahead of me in that regard.

There is a history here with your feelings on her drinking when you speak of violating your trust....way more than drinking in her room yesterday. It sounds like you are against drinking....period. Are you making her feel comfortable and serving wine or something in the evenings that she would like? Were you expecting her to transport the kids and this squashed it?

I don't know if she has a problem with drinking and 4:30 doesn't necessarily indicate that. What time does a 70 something woman go to bed? This could be a few hours before bed so that could be 10 pm for me since I go to bed around 1 am. I don't think visiting her family and drinking are mutually exclusive unless that is what you have taught your family. People have different expectations and habits. I know my daughter's grandfather (on her dad's side) or even her dad are quite capable of spending time with her and having a glass of wine.

Lastly, I remember clearly my Granny's breath smelling bad because of her smoking even though both of my parents smoked when I was your son's age. There is more to work out in this situation obviously.

If this is causing you such discord, put her up in a hotel. Honestly, she is 70 years old. If she is not falling down drunk, breaking things, being belligerent, I think in this case, you may just need to suck it up on this one. There are ALL KINDS of people in this world. Not everyone is going to fit inside the perimeters you deem correct.

If she is not harming your family, give this lady a break. She won't be around much longer and unless you want to create a wall between your kids and their grandmother, you need to ease up a bit.

Your concern seems to fall short of what is really concerning. Sure your kids shouldnt be privy to a secret alcoholic grandma, but more importantly you should be coming to her from a place of concern for her and not JUST your children noticing her bad breath.

It sounds like she may be harboring a serious depression and needs some understanding, not guilt. She is a grown woman and since she is not driving she is only hurting herself, acknowledging that may be a good step.

She is not sharing a room with anyone. I think if you tell her her breath smells bad and to please brush her teeth after drinking that's as far as it goes.

It's not really anyone's business if she takes a drink in the privacy of the room she is staying in. You should not really be in the room you are letting her use during her visit without saying you need to go get something, then let her get it or her tell you to go ahead.

I had to live with my MIL for a while and she would come in to our room while we were at work and clean the room, that's okay, not too invasive. Then I would open my underwear drawer and it was all folded and tidy...wth? As nice as she was really trying to be I felt invaded and I got angry.

So I have strong opinions about a person's privacy when they are in someone else's home. If the person needed to get something out of their own room they should even ask. When you put someone up while they are visiting that place becomes similar to a hotel room and they should be allowed to have some privacy. Otherwise you should have put her in a hotel room for the stay.

In my opinion if she has not had a drinking issue during her life then she is hiding it from you because she is an adult and does not want to deal with you trying to boss her around. She is an adult and should be allowed to have a drink whenever she wants and not be bombarded complaints. Maybe that is why she is drinking....

Your house. Your rules. Mom or not. Your house. Your rules. If she can't abide by that? Fine, mom, I love you but you need to leave. Yes it's cold. The lack of respect she is showing by NOT following your rules is not good.

I do disagree with you about "Grandma's Room" while she is staying in it - it is Grandma's room. Yes, one of your children is displaced so that she could stay there, but it is her room. Still your house.

Go to AA or Al-Anon meetings.

Live and let live. Is this about a true concern for her safety and well-being, or is this a control issue? You can't control her, you can only control your response to her. She drinks. You've expressed our concern and your preference that she not drink. She doesn't seem like she wants to stop drinking. All you can do is make your own choices for your own life... don't let her drive your car, don't let her drive your children, and perhaps don't leave her alone with your children. Let the rest of it go. She's an adult.

Usually we are nervous around our parents, but I am wondering since it doesn' t sound like she has had a lifelong horrible problem with alcohol if perhaps she is nervous about visiting. We are always trying to please someone-our parents or our children sometimes. Of course if she is going to drive and she is drunk you wouldn't let her use the car, but if she is trying to relax or perhaps hiding something else (an illness? loneliness?) perhaps forgive and remember we are all going to get there someday unless we die first. She came out to see you not be judged.