Thanks My Own Spin off of the Marriage vs Living Together Question

A.-
For someone who says they don't care, you sure are arguing your case a lot. You sure are defensive. People don't often bother, if it's not something they are insecure about, or wish was different. If it didn't matter, anonymous people on the internet who have no impact on your life...well, you wouldn't be bothered by not being happy with our opinions. Why the concern with me? I'm no one to you, but my opinion bothers you? Why even ask?Think about it.

Sure, my husband could walk away tomorrow. He COULD, but he wouldn't. If he ever thought I was someone he would someday walk away from, he wouldn't have married me. He probably would have asked me to live with him...

But you asked for others' opinions...

A., if you are ok with it and completely happy with your life, dont waste another second worrying about what other people think.

**Ouch, you all can certainly hit below the belt. Yuck!

I guess I'm not sure why you are worried about this. Do you get something out of telling married women that their husbands could leave at any time?

This doesn't strike me as the behavior of someone who is happy with her life and her choices, but maybe that's just me.

At any rate, yes, any of our partners could walk away. We are all just doing the best we can, trying to make whatever we have work, married or not.

All of those friends have legal protections. I don't think anyone on the other post said they CAN'T get up and walk away, but you can be sure they thought about it more than once before leaving. And you can call them a "dedicated couple" but obviously there was something lacking for it to fall apart.

I hate to quote Dr. Laura because she can be so inflammatory...but one thing I completely agree with her on is this:

Choose wisely and treat kindly.

What you've added has given a little more color to your question. You can be happy with your situation, and I can be happy with mine. I agree with the other response that you seem to have some kind of agenda in your question. You don't like the judgment of your decisions, perhaps you shouldn't judge the position that others take about their own lives. I'm not stupid or naive because I'm married, quite the contrary. I knew well in advance what I needed to do to protect myself and my time invested in this relationship and we made it legal.

**I should also add that it looks like you don't have a super hot relationship with your SO's mother. So, unless you have some kind of legal document/"piece of paper" signed and witnessed, let me assure you that can/will come into play if, let's say your SO was in a terrible car accident and medical decisions had to be made. You can call yourself his wife all day long but all she has to do is say "no she's not" and you "MIL" will be making medical decisions for him, not you.

Well, I'm one of camp that thinks a good marriage is icing on the cake of life, and I mean lots of layers of cake with gobs of sticky, sweet gooey icing dripping in between (mmm, good stuff!). But what bothers me is the judgmental people who will actually SAY to someone that they have no business dating anyone if they are a single parent (whether their husband left them or didn't marry them), that they shouldn't have sex with anyone, that they should only be thinking of their lives with their kids. I've also seen them just pointedly tell these moms that they need to wait til they are married before sleeping with a man or living with him, and then to my shock read that they have done this themselves. It's the "do as I say and not as I have already done" that irritates me and makes me wonder how they ended up being so hypocritical. I've seen that on this site, too. Who do they think they are, talking to women like that when they have done it themselves, and more???

Some of these young moms are trying to find a dad to help them raise their kids. This path is fraught with potential minefields and I don't envy ANYONE having to go down it. Some women find absolute gems who will love them and their kids, whether they marry or not. Some find the dung of the earth and go through hell and back. I feel for them.

I love being married. I feel that I got lucky to marry a man who wouldn't up and leave me to rot. He has solid principles, and family is important to him. I wish that for all these ladies, whether or not they have a ring. If we take precautions, as you are talking about with being each other's beneficiaries, having a living will, and making sure you have money accessible, that lessens some of those deep, dark worries.

I'm glad for how my married life turned out. I understand that not everyone wants it for themselves. However, what I am seeing described here and in the other thread is monogamy. With or without the paper. I'd rather have the paper, but most of all, I want the monogamy. That's where my thought processes lie.

And enough with hypocrisy and lectures.

That's my two cents!
Dawn

I certainly didn't get married so that I could keep my husband from leaving. You are kindof missing the whole point of marriage. And lots of people (including married people) do miss the point. With that said why do you care what anyone thinks? It's not the 50s and I don't think anyone today really cares who lives with who or marries who or who divorces who. There are single moms, divorced moms, two moms, two dads, his kids, her kids, our kids, baby daddies, multiple daddies, no daddies, shack ups, hook ups etc etc.... The world is not as homogenous as it once was and pretty much anything goes these days. Yes there are people who judge but there are a lot more who really don't care one way or the other. If you are happy with your situation don't worry about negativity from others. Just like I don't worry about the fact that some people may judge me for getting married. I'm too antiquated. I'm not liberated. I'm so pathetic for giving up my career to stay with my kids... I could go on about others' judgements of me from afar. Truth is no matter what choice you make you are going to be judged. That's life on this planet. We all deal with it. It sucks. Be happy anyway and you are the big winner.

Cool.

Sometimes my wife tries to get me to 'think like her'. I say A, she says B. I compromise and vote B.

She won't let it go. Demands that I agree B is the better choice. I don't agree, but A just wasn't that important to me.

And I gotta be honest - since I'm at peace with however you decide to cohabitat, I didn't read most of the answers on the first thread. But it's your time and typing if you want to take on the moral majority. That's what we're doing, right? Living together AND picking a fight about it? Yeehaw, I vote for livin' in sin!

Could he? Yes. Would he? No. Our relationship is solid, and I married a good true honest man. We love and respect each other greatly. Does that mean everything will be puppy dogs and candy canes forever and ever? Definitely not. But I married my husband knowing that life happens and we can deal with the ups and downs.

As long as you're happy with your situation, why do you care so much about what anyone else thinks?

I didn't get married with any illusion that this would bind my husband to me in some sort of hogtie-your-man-to-keep-him-forever sort of thing. I'd been living with my guy for four years before we got married. Had I not lost my health insurance we would have just tripped along in our lives without bothering to tie the knot. However, when I became uninsured, and he was in a position to cover me, the pre-requisite to get put on his company insurance plan was to get married. We tried to claim common law marriage, then domestic partnership, but it was a no go both ways.

We paid $111 bucks for a marriage licence and I got married in jeans at the local city hall. A week later I was covered by his insurance!

Funny enough nearly nine years of marriage, a daughter and a job loss (bye bye health insurance!) later, we were talking about getting an amicable divorce because while his new job insured him, and healthy families covered my daughter, I was left out in the cold! However, if I were divorced, I could be covered by medicaid!

Married for health insurance, divorced for the same? It would be pretty funny. We didn't go through with it and I'm still uninsured because we just can't afford the monthly fee. It's insane. It costs us $12 a month to cover my daughter, $75 to cover my husband... but should I be added to the insurance plan that would be $550 for the both of us. Half a mortgage payment a month!

We're already on a shoestring and barely making things work now... no way we could afford that unless we didn't have to pay for gasoline to get to work or eat. If we could get away with flying to work superman style and living off sunbeams and dewdrops we could swing health care for me. C'est la vie, eh?

IMHO do what works for your family be that marriage, single but living together, separated, divorced, living in pods under the ocean... whatever. I won't judge. I have no leg to stand on. I'm just trying to play the game and get by without losing my shirt.

Ummm, Ok? I don't mean to sound rude, but if you are bothered by other peoples opinions, why did you ask for them? Obviously we all think differently. You have your way, and I have mine.

Sure my husband could up and leave at anytime. But, I also think if he wanted to do that, or have that be an easier option, he wouldn't have married me in the first place....and it would be easier if we weren't married. No divorce lawyers, no splitting of finances, nothing.

However, I do agree with you on not forcing your SO to get married. I had a friend that really wanted to get married, she had spent the last 15 years with this guy (been together since they were 14). Finally he proposed and they got married. Not a year later he was having an affair, and totally changed.

The marriage didn't last five years. I don't know if it's because he felt like he was pressured or he was having an early mid life crisis, but the damn man went crazy. Now she is starting over again, and this time I hope she finds a fella that has similar goals.

Most marriage perks are financial ones, as with all things it's all about the money. Pulling or not pulling the plug is the other issue, if you were in a coma your boyfriend would have no say in the matter..... but things change, the laws change.... so that could change soon enough.
True marriage is in the hearts of the two people that are experiencing that union, it has NOTHING to do with what other people think. Love is Love.

A., the security isn't just about preventing a spouse from up and leaving. Anyone can end a relationship and wreak havoc, married or not. It's about the rights and protections that you have being together. Just being names as each others' beneficiaries and being on each others' bank account is not enough - you need a living will and health care proxy. And at a hospital, a quick check of your insurance information would show that you're not married, so in a case of something bad where you would rely on one of you to be able to make decisions for the other, you may not be able to. When I was a single mom, I had an attorney draw up my will and trust and the amount of scenarios that I didn't think through was astounding. I had an older friend who lived with a guy for over 15 years. They bought a house together. But because they weren't married and weren't careful enough about how the title of the house was worded, when he passed away, his half of the house reverted to his estate and she ended up having to buy back half of her house from his family because they didn't have a will that set her up as the beneficiary of his estate.

Anyway...just meet with an attorney to make sure your ducks are all in a row if he really won't ever consider marriage.

First off, I know my husband could up and leave. I'm sure most married women know that ~ just 'cause we're married doesn't mean we're stupid. Being married is not "just a piece of paper" it's a whole lot more, there were several example in other posts that I don't need to re-hash. With that said, I have several friends that are not married. One couple has been together for 14 years, she kept her last name, but told her kids school that her last name was the same as theirs (which is the same as her boyfriend). Actually, they told their kids they're married ~ they've told everyone they're married but they are not. They have legal reasons NOT to be married. To each his (or her) own I guess ~ as long as nobody is getting hurt. People who are not married can come up with a laundry list of reasons why their decision is best and people that are married could do the same.

I know lots of couples that never "officially married" but have been together for years. .. 1 was for Tax reasons.. The other because he had already been married and did not like feeling controlled.

But they did agree to call each other "husband and wife".

It lets others know.. there is on way anyone is available in this couple..

So ask your boyfriend if you can just call each other husband and wife, so people will understand this is forever.