Thank You Note Etiquette

I'm from old school and was brought up that a hand written thank you note is the only way to properly thank someone for a gift. I know "things have changed" but my view is proper etiquette doesn't change.

When my daughter (now 14) was young, I would write most of it for her and then have her draw or color, just to show that she participated. She at least signed her name by age 3-4. She now hand writes her own notes on her personalized note cards and has since she was able to write. Sometimes, especially if a gift has been sent via mail and was ordered online...we send a picture with the gift so the gift giver can see what was sent.

From experience, especially with floral deliveries...you don't always get what you believe you paid for when you order. I always take pictures of floral deliveries.

I do not allow the pre-printed thank you notes with fill in the blank. That's just me.... We use small personalized note cards.

The rule here is no gift is used before a hand written note is prepared and ready to mail. It has never been a chore to us because it is so set in our personal routine.

As for giving a gift if not attending a party....that just depends on how well we know the birthday person/family. If we are pretty close friends, yes, we send a gift. If it is an aquaintance we really do not know well, probably not.

When my daughter has a friend with a birthday and no party, she does do a little something for her friends just to show that she remembers.

Every family is different and there are a lot of opinions on etiquette. I am probably on the older side of most moms here and when I was growing up, it proper etiquette was drilled in my head. Thank you's, RSVP's, etc.

It will be interesting to read all of your responses!

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Definitely send hand written Thank You notes. It's tacky not to. And when your child is old enough to write them herself, let her do it. Respect, consideration, and gratitude never go out of style and it's our jobs as mothers to teach this to our children.
As for gift giving, if the child is not someone we are close to or family, we don't send a gift if we cannot go. (If I had more money, I probably would just because I love giving gifts. But times are tough these days!)

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I feel that a handwritten Thank You not is always required. I agree that email thank you's for a gift are tacky, that is just my personal opinion. I always write my daughters but she is only 3, as soon as she can write her own I will have her take over the job. Since she cannot write I generally have her draw a picture for the card or just do her best at writing her name at the bottom.

As for whether or not to send a gift if you don't attend I think it all depends on how close your child is to that child. If it is someone that he/she plays with quit often and is close to then I would probably give a gift even if we could not attend the party. If it was someone that she went to school with and I rarely hear he talk about them or she has never even mentioned them then I probably would not send a present.

Hope that helps =)

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Well...then I need to get my hand slapped by Miss Manners cause I am HORRIBLE at sending thank you notes and I end up sending emails of thank you after I know I've forgotten.

It took me almost a year to send thank you's for a baby shower I had and I have yet to send one for his birthdays. But I am always gracious and I do make sure I send a PERSONAL email to each person I have an email address for to say thank you.

In a perfect world, you'll get thank you card when you get your invitations and write them the night of and send and it's done. In the real world...after I clean up from the party, get the wee one to bed, and have that third glass of wine...i've forgotten all about thank you cards and passed out in my clothes.

I digress...the child should participate in the thank you if they can. The best thank you I ever got was from me and my other half's God Child who colored me a picture on manila paper with mispelled thank you. I still have it on my fridge.

As for presents...if you didn't go, a card will suffice. Or nothing since they didn't go.

Believe it or not tho...i am a HUGE fan of the RSVP. If you cannot come to a party...whether it be for a 1 yr old or a 41 yr old, condolences should ALWAYS be sent in one form or another. Rather than just NOT showing up.

Smiles to you.

You can't please all of the people all of the time!

Be polite in a way you feel is comfortable. Personally I think if you say thank you in person that is just fine......for a child's birthday for sure. No gift necessary if your child does not attend unless it is an especially close friend. Notes are nice too, but consider the child, age, etc... will it be too frustrating? In that case you can help. If it is something like a sweet sixteen.......really special. Then thank you notes handwritten by the child might be a good idea, and instill a bit of etiquette.

In my opinion ignoring the gift with no thank you is wrong. Long distance gifts usually require a note or phone call. Otherwise acknowledgement and appreciation in person is all that is really needed. If some of your friends are etiquette mavens.......their problem, not yours.

Ok, I apparently need to work on writing thank you cards more. I have never had my kids write notes for birthday presents. I do have them tell them thank you when they open the gift at the party and then again when they leave. If someone sends a gift (ie) family- I always have them call and say thank you. I pretty much do that too- I thank people in person. Now, back when I had my wedding and baby showers- EVERYONE got thank you cards. I believe those are things you just have to write, even if you did thank them in person.

Now, in teaching I write a lot of thank you notes at Christmas and at teacher appreciation week. I tell the kids in person, but I want the parents to know too since they aren't there when I open the gift. I just hope that note gets home to them! ;) This posting has reminded me about a few thank you cards I owe that are way past due! (a month) I guess it's better late than never.

Miss. Manners says that if you thank in person than you do not need a note. However, I agree that the older generation thinks a note is required all the time. I believe that once children are able to write they should write their own. They do make child friendly thank you notes. It's is basically a fill in the blank thank you note. I think it is a great way to introduce kids to thank you notes without overwhelming them of coming up with all of the language. Since my daughter is only 7 months, I haven't faced the party situation yet, so I don't know. We did get invited to my husband's co-worker's daughter's birthday party and we didn't attend. But we felt that it was a "Hey, if you not doing anything this Saturday" invitation on the Thursday before the party, so we didn't send a present. I think if we were formally invited and couldn't make it, I probably would of sent a gift to work with my husband to pass along.

Emily Post Book of Etiquette -

Who needs a note?
All gifts should be acknowledged with a note, unless the goodies were opened in front of the giver—then you have the chance to thank them in person. An important exception: many of an older generation expect a hand-written note. Providing them with one is an appropriate gesture of respect and consideration.

Who should write the note?
The person who received the gift should write the note. If your child does not write, you write the note and let the child scribble their own greeting.

Side note: My children were required by me, to write thank you notes to everyone just so they were in the habit and understood the importance of graciousness.

I would send a gift if your child and the birthday child are close friends, if not, I wouldn't bother with a gift.

I agree with TF, but another thought to take into consideration is this: if you DO NOT send a thank you note, you risk missing out on a chance to show graciousness, gratitude, and respect. Not a great result. If you DO send a thank you note, even if that person doesn't expect one, you have just shown graciousness, gratitude, and respect. Always the best result. I don't really understand that "debate" because it is a very simple, cheap, easy gesture that doesn't take much time at all, and it won't offend anyone to say thank you. Buy a little pack of blank cards and keep them in your desk drawer at all times for whatever may come up---a thank you note, a get well soon note, a sympathy note, whatever! I always have one pack of thank you cards and one pack of blanks, for those incidents---that way I don't have to drop everything and run to the store, because that's not likely to happen fast enough.
I DO let my son "sign" his cards. I write a short little message and sign all our names, and then on the top or blank part I let him scribble a little in crayon or blue ink and write at the bottom "love, joseph" in parenthesis. If nothing else, it's cute. Why debate it? Just take advantage of easy opportunities to be nice.
If it is a family member or a child of a close friend of mine or my son's, I would give them a gift whether we come to a party or not. But for casual aquaintances, people we don't know well, no. I invite people casually to parties sometimes and woudln't expect a gift even if they show up; sometimes it's just a way to get to know someone you keep bumping into, though I personally feel better about bringing a small gift if I attend a party, even if I don't know them well. On the other hand, I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS rsvp not only because it is polite but it is my pet peeve---buying favors and setting up little bags and making sure there is more than enough food/drink/etc, planning games with numbers in mind, to me, NOTHING is worse than when people say "I'll be there" and don't show up.
**EDIT: Just read that someone thought making their kid write a thank you note might be to "stressful" for them and that made me laugh out loud. My son JUST had his 3rd birthday, and he sat at the coffee table with his music and blue pen and I would say "this is from Fostina" and set the gift on the table and he would say "thank you for my dinosaur" as he scribbled, then I'd set the next thing on the table and he'd say "thank you for my firetruck" as he scribbled the next card. It was cute and he really tried to DRAW what he was looking at. I wrote in parenthesis beside the pictures what he'd said. It rocked peoples' worlds. A couple people called to thank him for the card. A friend of mine called swearing that her scribble LOOKED like a dinosaur and the Veggie Tale had a triangle (carrot) in it. It just made people smile, and took about 10 minutes for 8 cards to be addressed, colored on, and a message "translated". It was fun for all involved. But it's just regular everyday lessons that make a difference in regular everyday life. He also stood up on a picnic bench to look a friend of mine in the eye that he hadn't seen in half a year "thank you for come my yard, play with me" and when we said "she's not leaving buddy, she's coming home with us" he said "thank you for come my house too". That was a surprise and not something we told him to do...we were just cleaning up the mess outside and moving in. But it was a nice moment, and I admit I was proud of him. You gotta take those moments of sweetness when you can, especially at 3. :P