Terrible Two's - Las Vegas, NV

K.,
I empathize with your situation. When my now 3.5 year old girl turned 2 I was expecting my 2nd child and on bedrest. We went through a phase where I thought I was the worst mother in the whole world. She could turn from a funny little angel into a fire-breathing dragon so fast it took my breath away. I even started to question my decision to have another child.
She was also quite advanced for her age, walked and talked early, amazing memory and all that.

Suffice it to say, it all really is a phase. You just have to get through it. I had a really great moms group to talk to about my difficulties with her that helped me gain perspective. It really is OK to not like your kids sometimes- and I often had to give myself a time out to calm down in order to deal with her without losing my cool.
Unlike other respondees, I don't recommend you take her out of her crib yet. If she's happy in there leave it alone. Our problems only became more extreme with my 2 year old when she discovered she could let herself out of her room. Hours of power struggles every nap and bedtime resulted in anger and frustration for me and my husband. If you are in the midst of a power struggle don't add one more topic to battle over!
We had her round up all the paci's and leave them on the doorsterp for the paci fairy to pick up to distribute to all the new little babies. The paci fairy gave her a big present in return! We had some tears and begging to get it back but held firm. They were gone and that was that. We built up the paci fairy story for a few weeks before she decided she was ready to exchange them for her "cool new presents"!
Hang in there and know you're not alone!

Take a deep breath! You said she is verbal.... use that. Give her the tools to express what she is feeling. Make different faces (happy sad mad scared frustrated etc) and put them where she can see them. When she is "in a mood" good or bad talk to her about what the faces are feeling. "Mommy feels happy when I get hugs", "teddy feels sad when she falls". At this age they are finding they control so much of themselves but don't understand it. As she gains the language you can tell her "I don't understand screaming, use your words". This worked for my two girls and is working for my 2 year old son. I then put them in their room and tell them to calm down before coming out. It is not the "time out" spot but a place where they feel comfort and can bring it back in. You will love her strong will when she is a successfull adult running her own corp. Hang in there and don't forget to take a time out for yourself.

Hi K.,
Children do go through a phase where if things aren't the way they think they should be, or if a toy doesn't operate like they want it to, they'll through their tantrum. My son goes through that, and he's still going through that now at three years old. We do try and teach him that things don't often work, or act like we want them too, and with some things we can fix them, and with those that we can't, we try to redirect his attention to another favorite toy of his. At two years old, we got rid of the binky too. We told our son a binky fairy story and he was fine. He asked about it twice, or three times, and we reminded him of the binky fairy and he was ok, and didn't ask for it again. I was amazed too because I thought he was going to make it hard to get rid of it. The story goes like this, and this is how we told our son: "There is a binky fairy, and she's very sad because there are other children who needs binkies and don't have any. She needs for you to give her your binky so that she can give it to the other babies who need it. Since you're a big boy now, we need to give the binky fairy your binkies for the other babies. Here, lets put them in this baggie and set it out on the table with a little note to her saying she can have them." Tell your daughter this story over and over again to help encourage her to get rid of the binky. Also, when she does give them up to the binky fairy, and you set them out for the binky fairy to take them away, that night when your daughter goes to sleep, don't give in. Keep telling her that she is helping those other poor little babies who don't have binkies by giving them hers. And when she finally settles down, and goes to sleep, take those binkies, throw them away where she can't see them, and leave her a little gift from the binky fairy with a little note saying "thank you".
I'm hoping this will help with the binky part for you when you are ready to take it away. I know this wasn't part of your question, but I thought it will help you anyway.
Getting back to your daughters tantrums, there are times where tantrums should not be allowed. It's ok for children to get mad, be sad, and throw their fits because that's their way of communicating with us. Even when their language skills are excelled past the normal rate for a child, they still express themselves by acting out.
Certain tantrums need to be nipped in the bud. For us, we do allow our son to get mad, but when he is in his tantrum/whining mode, we do not allow it. He is told that he needs to stop his whining, and we give him one warning. If that doesn't cut it, and most of the time it doesn't do the trick, he gets his time out. Since he's three, he gets three minutes of time out. Usually that will calm him down, and he will be fine for a while after he gets out. Of course, he'll act up again as all children do. They love to test us in the most frustrating way. LOL
I hope these ideas help you. They do help us. The tantrums and fits, don't really go away, they just change as they get older, as I'm finding out little by little.
Best wishes to you and your family.

K.,

Hang in there! You are not a horrible mother. A horrible mother wouldn't be worrying about being a horrible mother.

My son is now three, but until he was two and a half, I didn't like him very much. He was exactly as your describe your daughter. Then all of a sudden (literally), he became much more agreeable and compliant. Even though he's bossy now (something that came about the time he turned three), he's still infintely more pleasant than he was. So please know that this is a phase for your daughter as she grows and understands her world better. It won't last forever!

Whenever my son would have a meltdown over something like his trains coming off the tracks, I would tell him that he was frustrated, and that I would be frustrated too. Then I would tell him that even though he was frustrated, he could choose to calm down, or choose to go to his room to have his meltdown (I'm huge on giving two choices). In the early days, he couldn't calm down, so he'd end up in his room. A few times he cried so long and hard that he fell asleep! There were times when he screamed for what seemed like forever before he figured out that he wouldn't see me or anywhere outside of his room again until he got quiet. My husband and I felt strongly that because of his relatively small vocabulary, it was okay for him to express his anger/frustration with a meltdown/tantrum, but only in his room. When we were out in public with him (which we actually avoided as much as possible in those days), it was the car. A few times we did have to leave and go home. I fondly recall those as the "war" days.

These days, he still gets frustrated, but the idea of having to stop playing to go to his room calms him down pretty quickly. That and he has more-evolved language and uses that more often than a tantrum. Plus I think it pays off to give him labels for his emotions, allow him to express them safely and privately, and stress that he always has a choice.

I agree that you should wait to get rid of the crib. I've read that we should only tackle one major transition at a time, and I think the more important thing to get rid of right now is the binky. My son didn't drop his until he was two and a half, and that was only because for a couple of weeks I'd make binky disappear. When my son would ask where binky was, I would say that binky went to visit his mommy. Finally, I threw it away. My son asked, and I told him that binky missed his mommy so much that he had to go live with her again. He was upset, but I think he understood how nice it is to be with your mommy, because he got over it fairly quickly (plus by this time he wasn't freaking out over spilling a drop of juice anymore!).

Whatever you do, you're not alone. You're not a horrible mother. Your daughter is not trying to make your hair turn gray (I thought maybe that was my son's goal for a while). You're doing the best you can! I mean, I bet your daughter is miles ahead of my son when it comes to potty training- it's our last major transition and he's still not willing!

Good luck!

I'd like to ditto the person who said you obviously aren't a horrible mother. You sound very caring and concerned.

To address the topic at hand, it sounds like your daughter is strong-willed, in which case she needs to learn sooner than later that she doesn't run the show. Now is the best time to learn, when the consequences for defying authority are relatively small. Since she continues to throw her fits, are they getting her what she wants? Even if all that is is a reaction out of you? My mom always told us, "I'll be happy to listen to anything you say nicely." She'd repeat it until we calmed down and spoke nicely. I do the same thing, but I tell my 2 yr old that he's welcome to stay in the room with me as long as he's acting and talking nice, then I put him out of the room or into time out until he calms himself down. By me insisting I be respected, I'm modeling to him what to insist on from his peers.

Anyways, I HIGHLY recommend Love and Logic classes, or watching the seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years" found here http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-128-painless-parenting... or reading the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" found here http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/pc-121-25-love-and-logic... Both the DVD I'm recommending and the book are from the Love and Logic Institute. It's all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting them suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

I am seeing remarkable positive changes in my toddler's behavior since applying the principles/ideas I've learned through attending Love and Logic classes here in Arizona. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful).

I hate to say there is no book in the world that can help with toddler independence and the tantrums. All these people come up with all these "methods", when really it is about your child, how you choose to deal with it and what works for you. Consistency is key, however she needs to realize fast that the world isn't perfect. If she pitches a fit over a stuffed toy not being right, well then just let her figure it out, I tell my son (who is 3 1/2 and going through this a bit) that he needs to figure out what to do about it. Everything has a solution and it is up to him to fix it. If she needs something back the way it was, have her put it back! Then she will feel in control over her surroundings. As far as the binky and the crib, hate to say it is time to nix both! She is far too old to have a pacifier and a big girl bed my empower her to feel older and more in control. Just suggestions. Nobody likes to be the parent to a screaming toddler but it all comes to we have to deal with our kids when they are like that. She needs to realize you are the parent NOT HER and you will not tolerate her actions. Redirecting and giving her a voice if she is so verbal to express herself. I tell both my kids "you can tell me you don't like something I say however you still have to do it, if you are aggrevated that is fine, however you are not allowed to pitch a fit about it. Validation and feeling in conrol are huge for their age group. It is okay to feel upset, angry, it is all about how you choose to handle it. She is young and typically when they are this age (whether they are above age level in verbalization or not) they are pitching fits out of frustration, teach her ways to work it out, teach her she can fix a problem if she calms down and tries. You staying calm is great!!! Even if she does not act the same way constantly showing her getting angry isn't the way to resolve it will eventually sink in. My daughter who is now six finally said to me the other day "there is always a way to fix things when things go bad", It blew me away and I just was floored what I have been saying finally sunk in 100%!!! Now I am doing the same with my son, just constantly telling him getting mad because a toy isn't working the way he wants isn't okay, to ask nicely for help and he will get help. The toys that frustrate him continually get put away until he calms down and relaxes. DO NOT TOLERATE her hitting at all! Firmly take her hand and tell her it is okay to be angry HOWEVER it is NOT okay to hit when angry and put her in immediate time out no matter how defiant she is about it. Do not let up on that one. If she seems really overly passionate about order of things and seems angry more then you really feel is okay, there is no problem with talking to her Dr about her behaviors either. Not saying there is anything wrong with her but there are various levels of autism with high functions that exhibit some of these signs too. A lot of it is well, toddlerhood and we all have to or had to deal with it!

K.,
I completely understand where you are coming from, I also have a daughter who turned two in November and let me tell you she has a mean streak larger than I ever imagined possible. As for the bed time rountine maybe it is time she gets a toddler bed. My daughter has had one since she was about 14 months old because she never slept in a crib. She loves sleeping in it since she now has elmo sheets. While bedtime isn't an easy thing she loves sleeping in her bed when she gets there. The temper has gotten worse since her brother came along and it seems to take a lot more patience but have also found that asking her to help me takes a lot of anger away because she feels like a big girl. Good Luck

I can feel your pain. Our now 4 year old would throw a temper tantrum when he didn't get to clean up all the toys or all his shoes weren't in a neat line in his closet. It was unbearable. Something that worked for us during the day was he was not allowed to throw a trantrum and ruin everyone else's day. He could go to his room and cry there, or I would set him on the coffee table until he could calm down. We didn't allow him to climb down, which wasn't hard. I would usually stay in the den or in the kitchen where he could see me and that he wasn't alone, but I didn't acknowledge him other than to make sure he was sitting and not playing. When he was happy, he was more than welcome to join the rest of the family again and I would make over him and how glad I was he had calmed down. Like your daughter, it would sometimes start again, but he was given the same choices until he could handle it in a civilized manner. Consistency and rewarding acceptable behavior were the keys. It was a long process, but we made it through, and eventually the tantrums got fewer and farther between. It was the toughest time of my life and we have another one entering now. It's not easy, but if your consistent and loving you will make it through with a very sweet relationship and she will appreciate your having taught her how to handle difficult situations. GL