Tension in Relationship Due to New Baby

I have had these same problems before. I know how it is. It is going to be tough for a while. What you guys really need to do is sit down and talk with each other. Not yelling and screaming. No fighting. Just talking. If need be, get someone to mediate. (preferably someone who won't talk sides) You need to tell him how you feel and he needs to tell you how he feels. A baby is a big change and it's tough on everyone. Just remember, it's not just about you or just about Kenny anymore, but it's not just about the baby either. (I know with my first that all I did was think about the baby and not my boyfriend. You have to set some time for Kenny too.) It's about all of you. You guys have a baby to worry about and he depends on both of you and you guys depend on each other. Yes you guys are going to be tired and cranky alot, but you just have to get through it. When his snaps at you, or you at him, you guys just have to remember "maybe he/she is stressed out today and doesn't know how to deal with it." Try doing that and then later, after you guys cool down, try sitting down and talking about it. For example, you could say something like "[insert name or pet name here], I don't know if you realize it, but you snapped at me today and it kind of hurt my feelings. Is there something wrong that you want to talk about? Did the baby stress you out today?" or something like that.

Like I've said before, just remember that things are going to be hard and stressful for a while. You guys just have to help each other through it. I know you're having a hard time with having to adjusting to college, new baby, and just going back to work all while trying to keep your relationship from falling apart...but maybe he's having a hard time too. Maybe he just really misses you and misses the way things use to be. All new parents go through this at some point or another.

Well, this is getting kind of long. I hope this helps! Congrats to both of you on your baby boy! Good luck! :D

2 moms found this helpful

A baby almost always makes things more difficult for the relationship. You don't have as much time for each other, and you both have more work to do because of the baby. I can't tell from your posting whether you're living with Kenny or not, but if you are, then you're looking at any pre-existing arguments about division of household labor becoming much more meaningful.

If you can communicate well with each other, sit down and talk about your mutual expectations. What do you expect him to do as a father? What can each of you do to make sure you have some time to look at each other and talk to each other instead of only focusing on the baby? Some couples find a relative or friend to watch their baby once a week and go on a "date night". Others just find some time when the baby is sleeping to have a quiet dinner with each other.

You seem to think that your own behavior might be part of the problem, too. I totally understand how as a working student mother you must have no time for yourself and you're at the end of your rope all the time. First of all, know that things will get easier as you get through your studies and your child becomes a little more independent. But for now, look at anything you can do to get a little more downtime. If there's a stress reduction class offered through your school, see if you can find time to take it. Otherwise, see if you can take a walk around the block, light a candle and close your eyes for 10 minutes and count your blessings, do a stretching routine, call a friend and laugh about something for a few minutes.

Good luck to you, and congratulations on taking the steps you need to build a bright future for yourself and your baby.

1 mom found this helpful

Unfortunately, this is why people get maried whenthey find out they are pregnant. Once married, the man usually is like..oh, I will deal with this and give it time since I am with this woman for the next 60 years. Since you are not married, you have to realize that he doesn't have a "contract" to make him beave and be patient. All you can really do is communicate constantly with him and tell him to give you some time. You guys are young and he doesn't have the experience to know better. so you have to teach him. I would suggest you get the LOVE and LOGIC in MARRIAGE (I think that is the title...it is at Border's int he relationship section..Dr.c Fay or Cline is the author..they also have the parent books that are awesome...get the Early childhood one now.) Also, if he will read, get the Your First Year (the one in the series with the now your prgnant and toddler years with the goofy drawings on the cover and yellow border) It is simple and talks a bit about you and stuff. anyway, you are going to be different. Your boyfrined just has to readjust to that. It has taken me until my youngest was two (and my friends are about the same) before I was back to my old silly self. we just had our anniversary and my husband said that for the first time...that we are geting better again. He is telling the young cople at work with their new baby that the first year of mariage (even if you live together) and the first to years of a child are the hardest years...then it gets fun. so keep talking and tell him that you two will go through a stage for a bit where the relationship is back burner, but hen your kid is about two, you will finally have "room" in your emotional briefcase for him again. so he should hang on and enjoy the ride watching you grow and change along with your child. then look at marriage about next year, not now when he is trying to figure out his role in your life.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey M., being a mom is hard work, especially so young. I am 26 and have 1 boy- almost 2- have been married for 3 years now and I still find it rediculously hard work.

You are a very strong person, and you and your boyfriend I am sure can work through this. Everyone who has kids knows that we all go through this exact same stage.

I would suggest getting a book called "babyproofing your marriage" I know your not married but it has great advise, for men and women. And I found it completely hilarious! Before you buy it make sure your boyfriend will read the book also, otherwise you will be left feeling resentment that he won't read it (my husband wouldn't read it)

You both need to realize that there is something bigger here, a family, you nor him are no longer the center of attention, your baby is. And no matter how bad either of you think its hard, it just gets harder. But it also gets better, and easier at the same time. You both will find your 'groove' with parenting, and learn that fightining about who fed the baby last or who cleaned up the toys all week will result in stupid, pointless, endless fights.

I was getting mad at my husband because of all I do for our son, and working full time, I wanted to make a list of things I do around the house vs. things he should do so that things were more equal. (He wouldn't write a list) but maybe you two ca.
After I talked with him about my concerns (trying not to point a finger) I found myself relaxing and realizing its really not that big of deal, and surprisingly, he helps out so much more without having to bug him.

Good luck and if you ever need any more advise please e-mail me.

1 mom found this helpful

1. get married, your son deserves it.
2. either work OR go to college, with a little baby, you really shouldn't do both, wait until he is older, he needs you, you need him.
3.17 is very young to become a daddy, give him time to figure things out.

1 mom found this helpful

I asked my dh "what is one thing I could do to help you know how much I Love you" his answer surprised me...it was cook him dinner every day. I was expecting...I don't know what really. but I took it to heart. There is a great book called the five love languages. My husbands main love language is service followed by quality time. Mine is gifts. lol. we had some working things out to do! he would come home and vacuum and I just felt like that was part of his "job" as my husband. he was trying to say I love you and when I didn't recognize that he felt unappreciated. Same with me, I would go grocery shopping and get his favorite candy bar for him and he would throw out a thanks and just eat it. I felt rejected. Once we knew how we give and receive love we have been able to really take care of making sure we are sending a signal that we love them that they understand, and knowing each others helps too. now when he vacuumes I give him a big hug and kiss and thank him for sharing his love with me. He beams. (bonus note here, he vacuums more! lol) and if I bring him home a candy bar he hugs me and thanks me for being so thoughtful and loving. He also brings me home flowers from the store now and then or a card because he knows what that means to me, and I go out of my way to pick up his car for him or to put his laundry away. (which I feel is just part of what I do, but he sees it as a great profession of love!) we found that we argue less, and we both feel more appreciated. finding what helps each other feel loved gets rid of much of the little annoyances in our marriage.

As a mother of four I can honestly tell you that when you are uptight you always make the situation worse. Try realizing that you are uptight before you talk and give warnings to your mood prior to serious talks. Realize that you aren't in this alone, your boyfriend is going through serious changes as well, but now he has to deal with your mood swings, tension and his feelings about the baby as well. Try, and I KNOW how hard it is, turning to eachother for support not for nagging. If you truly think about it, your boyfriend is under a lot of stress the same as you. Support each other and your child will have a much better life. If you drive eachother away, then your child pays the price.

M.
I think the change is within you. Just analyze your attitude. When I had my first baby, I was very rude with my husband. He was trying really hard to be the best dad he could be, but I would get impatient at him until my mother called that to my attention. Let him get involved even if it is not as perfect as you think it should be. Believe me, you want him involved in all this. You need to let him interact and bond with your baby as well. Stop that behavior and give him the chance to get better at it; he deserves it and you deserve to be relaxed and happy as well. You are both learning.
A.

WHAT IS REALLY THE ISSUE? THAT YOU RELY ON HIM FOR HELP OR THAT YOU AREN'T PAYING AS MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.
YOU ARE YOUNG AND I MET MY HUSBAND WHEN I WAS 18 SO I REMEMBER ALL OF THE LITTLE THING THAT WERE FELT BUT NOT EVER BROUGHT UP. TRY TO COMMUNICATE. I KNOW GUYS REALLY DON'T LIKE TO TALK BUT I BET IT IS BECAUSE OF ALL THE ADDED PRESSURE THAT HE FEELS BEING A NEW DAD. AND THEN YOU GOING TO SCHOOL AND WORK IS SO EXAUSTING NOT TO MENTION THE MIDNIGHT FEEDINGS. MAKE A LIST WHY ARE YOU UPSET AND WHY YOU THINK HE IS UPSET. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT OF HIM?? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM YOURSELF?? A RELATIONSHIP TAKES A TON OF WORK TO KEEP IT GOING . DO YOU NEED TO WORK?? CAN YOU GET BY WITH JUST HIS INCOME. IN MY RELATIONSHIP I QUIT SCHOOL And work to take care of the baby and be a house wife. but that is something that i wanted as well as my husband. we struggled and we still fought about stuff but i think that it was more selfishness. once we started having kids i neglected him. not on purpose but because i had so much to do . plan on making time for just you two. have a date night. and add daily to you relationship account. so that when you need to withdrawl some love it will be there. it is the little things that help.
patience,communication,and a little nooky haha
good luck

M., Dear! I am so happy for all the best news you had to tell us. Now, the tension part is a normal thing as you go through A LOT nd you definitely get tired and it's hard to control your tiredness and frustration, but as Kenny pronounces out loud what bothers him, you need to definitely pay attention to it, and first of all, please dear ones, keep talking about what bothers you, do not hold it inside: think of him FIRST OF ALL AS YOUR BEST FRIEND: what do friends do? they SHARE !!! He willunderstand, if you can speak up what bothers you, and you can have a nice conversation to be able to make decisions together.
Here's a tip:
when you feel cranky, try your very best to follow that you SEE that you feel cranky, do not jump into some action of saying something in a bad mood, o doind omething not very nice. As soon as you catch yourself on this thought that you feel tired and/or cranky, SAY IT OUT ALOUD, like "Kenny I am SO dead tired, I feel like I may accidentally say something not nice or do something stupid, BECAUSE I feel so bad, tired, exhausted."
Why it is important to say it aloud? Because thus you distance your own loving self from this MOOD of tired cranky lady who could care less for anything but get some sleep and rest.
You can immediately ask for help from Kenny also: "could you please hug me, so that this crankiness will be scared away and does not enter into our room, as i hate becoming this way"
be playful around situations, i mean, you can see the real two people who endlessly love each other, and then all these moods and emotions of everyday pretty difficult situations enter, do NOT let those things ruin your love and good friendship!
you see what I mean: when you TALK about how you feel, to a DEAREST friend, asking for help and support, then these moods are already removed from the relationships.
I wish you both and three of you the very very best!!!
Also, if you go to college, they have there a counselor for free,
go talk to them, ask what they think and how they work around the situations like yours, they have millions of good tips to suggest you.
If we sat down and talked about it for the entire evening, I'd tell you more what I noticed through my lifepath, what works well, but this is just the first thing to pay attention to:
keep the distance between your emotions-moods and your own loving caring self, define which is where, and TALK about it with your beloved one. FIRST AND FOREMOST, seek for the deepest FRIENDSHIP with him, and the rest will all settle.

(if you wish, write me on ____@____.com , we can talk more :) )
all the very best, hugs, M., you are doing great: just think how much you've accomplished, and although not an easy time to work, the baby, and college, but as you will make it, you will be a Hero who did SO MUCH !!! Hugs, and WAY TO GO !!! M.

Share with your boyfriend your feelings about missing your baby and him when you are working. Tell him how much you care about him and that you are so lucky to have him in your baby's life. You need to pump up your boyfriend and make him feel needed. Guys are funny that way. They need almost as much attention as the baby does or they feel left out. Try to compliment him and have him doing stuff with your baby, make him feel important in your relationship together as a family.

Hello M. B,
The first thing you and your boyfriend need to do is relax.
A new baby is alot of responsibility, but a baby is the greatest joy, the deepest laughter you will ever know.
Babies will fit into any routine, so like I said relax.
Do you tell your boyfriend your not happy? And do you get upset at everything he does?
You say he is a good dad, well count your blessings then girl.
You are a new mother and you will feel sad from time to time.
So like I said RELAX.
Just breathe, it is a new experience, and it is life changing.
So go with it and enjoy it.
It is an adventure, and relax and enjoy it.
The tension that you and your boyfriend have with each other will be picked up by your baby, and the baby will become cranky and cry alot.
So once again I say, let life flow around you and just enjoy the moment.
One day at a time.
Good luck

Wow! I remember how this was!! My husband and I had been married for almost 5 years and were in our late 20s to early 30's when we had our son. We thought having a baby would only intensify our love for one another. Our relationship was blissful, we couldn't get enough of each other and then little "poober" came along. For months afterward it was rough. There were times that everything he did bugged me to death. Hormones are out of wack and you are tired in every sense of the word. Get out together alone from time to time. Even just sit and snuggle when the little one goes to bed at night. Do things to make HIM happy even if you don't feel like it. I understand that your son is your whole life and that is natural but if you don't take care of his father it can only get worse. They say that the best thing a father can do for a child is to love it's mother the same thing works for the childs mother. Don't give up! It will get better! Just take time for each other and make the other a priority. Transition is tough and it takes time. You'll get through it !

Date night. set in stone - once a week.

pump extra milk if you're nursing, get a sitter, feed baby just before you go.

spend time just being together with your husband. This will help you be more happy...and bring out the 'you' that he married.

Be more aware of how you treat your husband - smile more and touch him more. guys really respond to touch--they need it to feel loved.

Hi M.,

I have a beautiful, intelligent, 2 yr old son. His father and I got married when I was 5 months prego. I had just turned 19 and his dad was 18. Life was smooth sailing and so close to perfect for a while. Once my son was born though, all he** broke loose.

I think the fact that we had another human being depending on us for his servival, learning, and growing was a huge adjustment. I also suffered from severe post-partom depression after my baby was born. His father was under alot of stress and would take it out on me. Basically to make a long story short, the marriage didn't last long and now I'm doing it all on my own.

I tell you my story only because I want to tell you a little of what I learned from that~~ It is sooooo important to have good communication between you two. It's also very important to set aside "you and James time". Maybe after you're son goes to bed, instead of watching tv together or just going to bed, make sure you talk one on one about the day. Go over what you achived and make goals together for the fallowing day. Personal growth, financial, and family goals. Think of you two as a team. The stronger you make that foundation, the better your sons life will be.

M. you seem like a devoted cute little mommy! I hope all goes well with you. Keep the spunk and drive you have and make your life what you want your son to see. They learn from example.

Good luck my friend :)

Wow, you two are so young, bless you and your sweet baby! Is he 19 as well? Men like to be able to be the bread winners and take care of their families financially, maybe he is upset about that? Working and going to school is stressfull enough but with an inafnt to take care of that just adds so much. Maybe just try to focus on that education that is something that can never be taken from you and will help your life be better as well as your child's. I am sure as a single mother you can get alot of FREE money for school. I am confused, who is Kenny and who is James?
Tension from a new baby is normal by the way, it is very stressful no matter what the situation.

Madie,
It sounds like you've stopped being his girlfriend and have become his wife of fifty years. I don't know what you ment by you miss James, if he's affecting your relationship with Kenny stop. If you want your relationship back to normal you need to become Kenny's girlfriend again. (which I'd say if you were married also) First stop the bickering over small things, and I also believe money arguements is a small thing. If he gets you a glass of water, tell him he's the best boyfriend ever and give him a hug. Basically, stop any complaining and start complimenting. Another thing is you need to communicate with each other. Which means talking and listening to each other. This doesn't mean complaining about anything either of you may have done or not done in the past. It means talking and listening about what things that would make your relationship better. Also read, The care and feeding of a Husband By Dr. Laura (Not sure what her last name I think it's Schletzinger, But don't quote me on that cause I'm horrible with names) I've been married 23 years, we have 3 great kids ages 22-16, But we still act like boyfriend and girlfriend. even though the kids pick on us about how lovey dovey we sometimes act, deep down we know they love the fact that we can still act like we just started dating. We also talk to each other about everything. Granted my husband is my soulmate, and I could never see my life without him. You need to decide if you want to live without Kenny or not. Congradulations to both of you on having your new baby boy!!!
Good Luck And Best Wishes
E.

You both are very young. It weighs heavy when you have to forget being a teen and grow up and be responsible. Even when you are trying to put on your best mood, it can come through in a number of ways. Being a parent is a big job, both parents being there to contribute lessens the load for everyone. Make sure you take time to be together alone, find a sitter. Take time for yourself too. If you have family close by see if you can do a deal where you get some downtime for yourself and with your boyfriend. It is so normal you miss your baby when you are working, that is a sign of a great mom! Hang in there, it does get easy, don't let the stress get to you or your baby will feel it. Walk out of the room if you are feeling overwhelmed and take a deep breath.
Figure out what is truly causing the arguments, 80% of the time people argue about one thing when it is another thing bothering them. Sometimes it may not be him ticking you off but something else on your mind. Be there for each other, remember to listen to each other and mostly figure out what is bothering you before you unload about something. Don't argue in front of the baby either, that causes a stressed out baby which leads to a lot of other issues for that baby. Keep the world around that baby calm and loving as much as possible. Your boyfriend may need to carve out time for himself with his friends too, he may feel resentful as being pregnant and having the baby there are two different things. It is a lot to take on, even me having kids late in life, having the extra stress of still being young, wanting to be a teen and working on top of it all has to add to it! Hang in there! HUGS

I'm finding some good advice about how different men are from women in the book Love & Respect. It's really good in how it explains how men and women look at the same issue quite differently and that every issue boils down to one main theme: that men really just want respect and that women really just want love. Hard to pique your interest in this short narrative, but take a look at it when you can (maybe down the road)... it's helping me see things differently for my own marriage. And I'm 20 years your senior, just had baby #2 and am dealing with a breakdown in my relationship as well. Hang in there, you can do it!