Telling a Child Your Not His Biological Parent

I would just sit him down and explain it to him. You would be amazed at what a 8 year old can comprehend. Be honest, keep the information direct and to the point without a lot of grown up information. Let him ask questions. He will feel possibly abandoned, let him know that being a mom isn't about giving birth but how you care for that child and how much you love him and think of him as your own. Let him know if he wants to find and meet his mother one day you will support him 100%. It will be hard for him to grasp it all, however you may be surprised. Having him feel like anyone has lied to him, kept secrets from him can cause a lot of trust issues you do not want when he hits teen years. She cannot keep you from adopting if she has no contact, I see no way that can happen. I would find a lawyer in family courts to help you with that one.

First of all I have a few questions. You said that you and your husband have been together since his son was 3 years old. When did you get married? A three year old can remember a lot, and if there was a wedding in which he was involved after he was 3, then you can bet he probably remembers, and he probably wonders what exactly he is remembering. Your telling him could bring about a lot of resolution for him that he has never understood. You are right to want to tell him now and not keep it from him. Your husband not wanting him to know is most likely just his way of not wanting to remember a painful past so why bring it up? It may not be something that needs to be dropped in a bomb shell but I would gather as many family photos as you can, of everyone he knows, even your family and people he knows and loves and trusts on your side of the family too. Do you have a wedding picture with him in it? It is so much easier to explain with photos and encourage him to ask questions, and ask him if he remembers anything he'd like to talk about. You don't necessarily need to include photos of his bio mother, infact I would strongly suggest not too and wait until he asks. Just explain to him about this family that he knows and loves, you, your husband and his soon to be sister as well as all the extended family he knows. How you all met, what you felt. How happy you were that you got two for the price of one when you married his Dad, etc. My oldest is my stepson that I adopted and we have always been very open with him about it all, but it wasn't something we just dropped on him and since he was 4 when we got married he remembered things. He knew he could ask questions and always has, sometimes at very surprising times. When we had our first baby together as a family, there were no problems. It would be harder if he was going back and forth with his bio mom, but he won't be. You must be grateful for that. My son is now 14 and hardly remembers anything about his bio Mom and we have talked less and less about it over the years, but it really has taken all those years. I am so grateful we handled it the way we did and did not keep secrets or drop things on him. I have no doubt that someday he will come across his Bio Mom's family again and he may wish to have a relationship with them. But maybe not. By that time it will be up to him. The most important thing for your son is to continue to be raised with two parents who love him in a stable home and the best gift you can give him is to love his father and show him how much you love and respect his father. He needs to see that and know that you are there for him, that you will not just "go away". Stability is everything. I would start slowly right away in talking to him about this. But instead of just "telling" him, make it a conversation, ask what he remembers, etc. It would help a lot if your husband was on board too, but he may not want to be so just take it slow. My husband never wanted to talk about it so I did a lot of the talking with my son alone. It's a process, not a one time event and something you will probably continue to talk about with your son for the rest of his life. I would also seriously look into adopting him and legally becoming his mother. Get an attorney to help you. For us he had to be living in the home with us as a married couple, with me as his mother for one year before I could adopt. I had to go through lots of background checks and all that too. It was an emotional process. You do not know the joy you all will have when you get the new birth certificate with your name on it as his mother. I know it's just a piece of paper, but it's a wonderful feeling and official step.

I wish I had very thoughtful, experienced advice to give. I can only suggest that this NOT be the time to tell your son this information. Kids go through enough trying to understand where they fit in when a new baby arrives, and that could go on for a couple of years. However, I wouldn't suggest you wait too long since the teenage years wouldn't be a good time either. Somewhere in between after your son is comfortable with his new role as a big brother, understands and experiences your continued love (after the baby is born) and is in a solid spot in his life.

Good luck.

S.,

I agree with Merike - mostly. I don't think I'd say she wasn't interested in raising him. I think I'd say she couldn't take care of you so your daddy and I are your family.

Both my children are adopted. We've never hidden the fact, it's part of our lives. We don't broadcast it, but we don't hide it either. They are 4 and 7. When they ask, I tell them another lady carried them in her tummy because I couldn't and then when they were born (you could say when he was little) they came home with us because we are their Mommy and Daddy.

Never, ever bash his birthmother. He will probably meet her someday and he can make his own determination. You just be the best mom you can be and he'll always love you for it - even through the rough teen years to come!

God Bless -
C.

S.,

I agree that you get to tell your son the truth about his parentage. I personal have not experienced this, but have a cousin that found out at age 19 the truth about her parentage when she picked up her birth certificate.

She was devestated. "Whatelse was a lie" was her reaction.

This is the perfect time to tell your son how blessed you are for having him in your life.

With my whole heart,
C.

I don't have any ideas on how you should break the news to your son or how to convince your husband that you should tell him the truth, but I am behind you 100% in the idea that he is old enough he should know. My mom was raised in a similar situation, and the first clue she got that her dad was not her biological father was when she found their wedding announcement and realized it was 3 years after her birth! She was 10 when she found it. She says that was pretty traumatic for her, though it did help that both of her parents immediately sat down with her and reassured her that she was loved every bit as much as her sisters (who are his biological children) and were very understanding of her emotional needs. He deserves to know the truth-- especially before he reaches the rocky pre-teen and teen years where good self-esteem is such a difficult thing.

Playing devils advocate here: If you have a strong relationship with the child and he knows you only to be mom, do you really want to ruin that? If you tell him he will forever know you as the other mom and then if you have more children with your husband there could be that jealousy thing pop up. We have that same situation in our family and the child is now in their 30s and they never told them. As far as the family was concerned the dad was the dad and the mom was the mom no question. Good luck in deciding what to do.

Your right on the money as far as I'm concerned. This child deserves the truth. I have adopted 3 children who I did not have to tell them about their other parents but we have done so and they have met them(started with pictures and phone calls 1st). I believe our children need to trust us, and if they find out later we've been keeping secrets it harms that. I also spoke with a therpaist who said by telling the truth it will help minimize the abandomnet issues they will most likely have later. I suggest you seek a therapist for an appropiate way/time to tell him now that he is 8. I also have an adopted sister, whole family knew but her, the cousins told her one day when she was 11. She thought maybe the kids were teasing, but asked my parents and they told her. She was great kid, but after finding out she started to get into alot of trouble and to this day does not trust my parents. She has sought out her birth mom, whom she dislikes now too. Just my opinion and experience, tell him now! Dont wait!
Good luck

Wow!! Talk about bad timing. He should have been told long before now. Then if has questions they aren't ones that questions his membership in the family because you have a new baby with each other. I have no doubt that you are a wonderful family and that you are his 'Mother', but really have you been fair to him?? It is much easier to handle as child if you know from the beginning. It leaves the drama out--especially when everyone else knows but him. I am adopted, I have always known and I am fine with it. But I knew from the time I was old enough to talk. My parents are awesome! And they are my parents, regardless. But I can tell you if they dropped the bomb later, it would have been different. Children an think and he will spend a lot of time trying to figure out why you held out on him, and if you don't tell him, you can bet he'll find out someday and it will be even more awkward. Tell him now and quit playing games.

S., this is the sad situation that she is present but altogether absent yet does not remove herself totally, as she should if she is so much not interested...
it is a hard situation for you.
the decision you make is right, i believe but you need to explain it well to your husband too, you cannot talk to your son without him knowing it, right?!
Now, if you put it this way:
"there is a woman, who carried you in her tummy, and she gave you birth, but she was not interested in raising you one bit, so she left, and I became your Mommy. Now, here is your Daddy and Your Mommy, but yes, there was a woman who helped you to come into this world, our dearest son!" - in this flow, it will make more sense to your ( YOUR !!! ) son. Set the conversation up so that it does not pull the ground out from under his feet: he needs it very organized and settled, and in order, as at this age it is very hard for them to re-organize the world on their own. Answer ALL the questions he asks, honestly, and talk to him about such similar situations: for example, statistically, there are more than 50% of children who do not have their biological mother or father raising them, it has become (As sad as it is , but it is a fact now) normal now, it is not 1950s anymore, it is a totally different world we live in... and yes you are right, it is better if he knows, and if you parents tell him. It is also good if you do it in summer, maybe when you go campinbg or something, to have him nearby for a couple of months as long as he is processing this information and gets over the first shock of the news, you will be able to monitor his confusion better.
You are most wonderful Mom, S. !!!
But please, talk to your husband first, he needs to know why you want to make this step, and finally come to stand next to you when you will talk to your son. Good luck dear ones, and have a great summer!

We have 2 adopted children. We brought them up with the knowledge that they were adopted. This made them comfortable with the concept and avoided any resentment that could have occurred later on. In your case, I would agree with you that the child should be told. Sooner of later someone else will mention it and it may not be in the nicest way.I think in your case, I would DE-emphasize the other mother part until he is a lot older. I would emphasize how happy you are to have him in your family and how much you love him. Make sure he knows that he is yours in every sense of the word and that the real mom is the one who raises you.Perhaps you could put together a simple scrap book for him with pictures of him with you as a baby, etc. I hope this helps.

Of course you have to tell him. He has a right to know what is "real" in his world and the longer you wait the more he will feel that you have been lieing to him his whole life. He will find out one way or another and certainly the best way to learn the informtion is for it to come from the people who love him the most and want to protect him....that is you. Also, from a medical stand point he will NEED to know at some point in time so even if you are convinced he may never find out he will need to know for medical reasons as he gets older. He has a right to know. There is never a good time to devulge this kind of information. Maintaining a loving/supportive environment and being open and honest with him can bring about nothing bad in the long run. Bite the bullet and talk to him so that you can stop worrying and stressing about it which he no doubt can pick up on as well. Everyone will be better for it in the long run.

Good luck

T.

I think you should wait until your son asks. Until it is time to tell him, I would talk to counselors and read up on the best way to talk about this with your son.

While I have not been in that situation, I must say I agree wholeheartedly with you that he needs to be told and the sooner the better. I have a dear friend who was never told by his family that his mother who raised him was actually his aunt. He was adopted after his biological mother was killed in an oilfied accident that devastated a portion of the town, taking her life in the explosion. Since his biological mother's family despised the man she'd married and wanted nothing to do with him ever again, the adoptive mother and father, his aunt and uncle, raised him as an only child and never mentioned his biological parents, or his biological siblings. It was after his adoptive mother died, she was much older than his biological mother, that someone in the small community told him the truth. While he loved his adoptive mother and honors her memory, he's pretty confused about the situation still, at age 54.

Please tell your son now before someone else tells him. It's not some kind of major trauma. But it could be major trauma if he finds out the wrong way.

While I personally haven't had to do this, both my mother, sister and brother did. (Wow, sounds like I've got a crazy family!)

My sister got pregnant in high school and the father didn't care, but she had another male-friend who wanted to marry her and be the baby's father, which is what they did. They since divorced but that man has been her son's father in every since of the word, he's even listed as the father on the birth certificate and the biological father signed away his parental rights. When her son became seriously ill around the age of 7 and needed a kidney transplant, they (my sister and her ex) decided it was best to tell their son the truth. He was upset, but they were very clear in explaining his dad has been and will always be his dad and it didn't really matter that his genes came from another man. Then my sister had to call the biological father and ask if he'd be willing to be tested to donate a kidney. He agreed, but wasn't a match. He asked if he could meet my sister's son and she said that was her son's choice. Her son said that he had no interest in meeting his biological father ever and never has, and now he's in his twenties. He is very close to his father and has never had a reason to doubt their relationship and has never had an urge to meet his biological father. Anyway, it was h*** o* my nephew, but he has always been very smart so he understood that it's not genes that bind you, it's love.

As for my mother, she had an affair and became pregnant with my brother. But my parents chose to raise him as their own. (My parents divorced while I was in high school.) It wasn't until my brother was in his twenties that he (and the rest of us) found out that our dad wasn't his biological father. It was devastating to him and the rest of us. It ruined the relationship between my brother and father because my mom made the decision on her own to tell him even though my father asked her not to and my brother just couldn't handle it. In hindsight, my mother said it was something they should've told him when he was younger, so he could grow up knowing that his dad loved him no matter what. My brother doesn't have a relationship with his other half-siblings (from his biological father) and he did meet with him a few times, but said it was just odd and uncomfortable (his biological father passed away a few years ago).

My brother met a girl who had a 9-month old son and was not married. They fell in love and got married and had a little girl. Eventually, they divorced, but my brother was the only man her son had known as a dad and they wanted to keep it that way. Although they were always open with him that my brother was not his biological dad. Over the years, my brother would take both kids when he had visitations with his daughter and never treated him differently. Then one day his ex called saying she wanted my brother to legally adopt her son because if something ever happened to her, he would technically go to his biological father who he'd never known. The biological father agreed to give up custody, my brother finally adopted his son (with an agreement that he would never legally have to pay child support even though he did support him) and his son was so happy. They have a great relationship.

Anyway, from both my mother, sister, and brother they all agree that knowing when you are younger is better. It's a hard secret to keep and it will just eat away at you. And chances are, he'll find out sooner or later and it really should be you and your husband who tell him, you certainly don't want to him to hear it from someone else because he really might feel betrayed for being lied to all these years (like my brother). I think the most important thing is to let him know that you have always been there for him, that you'll always be there for him. That you are his mother in every since of the word, just not biologically. You might also want to consider adopting him so that legally, he is yours.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do! And congrats on the pregnancy.

I agree that with the birth of the baby it may be bad timing but I think you should tell him before the baby comes. Don't tell him his birth mom wasn't interested in raising him, just that she couldn't. My nephew was about this age when he found out his dad wasn't his birth dad. He accepted it well. Let him know you couldn't love him any more if he did come out of your tummy. You are his mother in every way that really matters. Do not wait until he is too much older. Its important that he knows he can trust you. You earn that by telling the truth. If he finds out later, he may feel you lied to him. You need to get your husband on your side so you can tell him together. He needs to understand you both love him and are both there for him. Good Luck.

Hey there - I do not have much advice on when to tell him - my 5 1/2 year old daughter is kind of confused about a similar situation.

My daughters bio dad has caused nothing but trouble - he did not want her and I think at times he likes to pop up and make it known. After causing 2 years of pain to my mom, dad, brother and sister he just disappeared. Then he popped up September of 2007.....My daughter knows my husband as daddy - she chose to call him that. We introducted my husband to her by his name and she chose after a while that he was a daddy - which is definitely true!

My daughter was - and is - very confused about the meaning behind this man who calls her once a week.....I told she could call him Daddy Chris.....which she does occassionally - but mainly she calls him CHris.

I think you are okay with telling him at this age - and I say this because my daughter being through a similar situation, understands that my husband is her really daddy - and this other man helped make her. She can grasp that concept - but because she is only 5 she cannot get any deeper than that with understanding her bio dads position. Like I said he was gone for 3 years and then just popped up!

Also, just a side note - if his ex truly does not have anything to do with your son - there is the abandonment option for adoption - and I only know this because it was the route I was going to go for my daughter....until he popped up again! :) Its like he knew!

Sorry I am a long winded sort - but I hope some of it helped!
K.

I agree that he needs to be told, it should have been earlier, but I know how hard it can be to bring it up. Tell him the truth, the longer you put it off the more anger he will get, it will effect who he see's himself as, he will question his identity and the trust of his parents. Because by not telling him from the begining, you have in a sense lied to him, I know that wasn't the intentions but if you look at it from his stand point that is exactly what has happened, sometimes the best intentions are the most hurtful. And I agree that somewhere someone might slip...ouch!

If there are any family photos of her they will need to be brought out, so that he can see, don't point her out as a bad person, answer all Q's as honestly and truthfully as possible. He's going to want to know about her side of the family, not always right away, but eventually, have as much info possible. And remind him just how much you love him, kids understand a lot more then we give them credit for.

Two of my kids aren't bio mine either, i have had them since they were 4/5 (DD know 14) and 5/6 (son know almost 16) it has been so long I honestly can't remember how old they were, the DD has no memory of there bio-mom (They are actually the product of my husbands affair) I never point her out as bad and always answer honestly, the son does rememebr bits and pieces but not much, they have no inclination to know her and vice versa, she hardley ever pays her child support and like you will not let me adopt them. They have asked that I do when they turn 18 as part of their b-day present, not much longer and legally they will be mine! So I do understand where you are at. And no matter how much I wish that woman would drop off the face of the earth, she still gave them life, and if it wasn't for that I would have never gotten to raise 2 amazing kids!

Tell him the truth, he is young enough to move past it and continue to love the only mom he has ever know! Good Wishes!

Just a quick comment. With regards to the timing, you could use that to your favor... I mean, you could explain to him that you didn't mention it before because since he is YOUR son and you are HIS mom, it has never been important to you that he came from another's woman's "belly" nor have you focused on that. You could explain to him that you weren't trying to lie to him, but that you are now telling him because you think he is old enough to understand, not just the situation, but also that you are a family (and more importantly you are HIS MOM) no matter how it came to be. Good luck.

One more thing to note, be extra sensitive to his emotions after your talk. Even though he is in a loving home and has a loving mother, finding out someone left him (no matter how nicely you put it) MIGHT bring out feelings of abandonment, he might seem confused and not even know what he is feeling.

Bad timing maybe, but you NEED to tell him. I was one of those children who was "accidentally" told...the information accidentally slipped from someone's mouth when I was 8 years old. We know when something is not quite right. We know when our birthday's are, and find out when our parents married - and we can do math at that age. You can use your pregnancy now to help him understand...he didn't need to come out of your belly for you to love him...that's what makes him so special - he didn't cause you any stretch marks or morning sickness. Kids are reziliant - they bounce back....not so much when they are older. Please tell him before someone else does and he feels like you've been lying to him all this time. And let him know, that even though you haven't been able to at this point, that you've been trying to adopt him to officially make him yours, and that you haven't given up hope to still be able to do that.

S., Nothing means more to a kid than having parents who are not afraid to "get real". Don't hold back from telling him everything, especially if everyone around him knows the situation. My family always played me for the fool that I am and, consequently after 40 years, I have no desire to keep in touch with them. Nurture a precious relationship with the truth. Hope all goes well with you and yours! J.

First, you are amazing to be a positive mom to this boy and love him no matter what. This is a hard decision to make especially with a baby on the way. I think you've done a great job preparing him with the info about your dad not being your biological father. But, the fact is that you and your husband need to be united in the decision when to tell him. When I was at the library looking for parenting books (trying to find tactics to use with my willful 3 yo) I saw several on parenting adopted children. You mentioned you can't adopt him because his mom won't sign over rights, but perhaps those kind of books would have some good suggestions on when and how to tell kids they are adopted that you could adapt to your situation. Maybe reading them together with your husband will help change his mind. Good luck to you!

before anything else, you need to be unified with your husband. pray for help in either accepting the fact that it's not the right time or that your husband will understand and agree. it's not fair to your husband or son if there isn't harmony and unity in your family. when you two decide to tell your son, as long as you do it lovingly and prayfully, it should be ok. if he finds out on his own, it's ok. make sure he knows how you feel, and don't stress

This is a situation that many adoptees have to deal with every day. It would be best to tell him when he's capable of understanding...that should be right now. Our kids are still babies but we've always intended that they would know that we aren't their biological parents. We'll explain that it doesn't matter whose wobbly bits made them, it's who raised, nurtured and loved them that matters.

As for you adopting him, what are her objections to the adoption? Here's the thing, she doesn't have to voluntarily relinquish her rights. You can consult an adoption attorney (http://www2.adoptionattorneys.org/directory_map.asp) in your area about step-parent adoption. If the bio mom hasn't provided sufficient support (financial, emotional etc) to the child then it's possible to have the courts forcibly terminate her rights. It's not always easy--we had to do that for our son's adoption because the bio father contested the adoption. But that he only provided $300 to the bio mom during her entire pregnancy, never went to one doctor appointment and failed to follow some basic instructions from the courts, the judge terminated his parental rights clearing the way for the adoption to proceed.

Hi S.,
As an adopted child, I believe that honesty is always the best policy, and that the sooner you tell him, the easier it will be for him to integrate the information into his knowledge of who he is and where he comes from. None of that should diminish his relationship with you, but instead allow him to build upon the truth rather than a lie. If others know, it is likely that he will find out, and it will be much more problematic if the information comes from someone other than you.

I am not sure how easy the conversation will be, but I trust that you will know the way to talk to your son to have it make sense to him.
My parents always talked to me in the positive - that I was a very wanted child, that they waited just for me... etc. They never belittled my bio mom, but instead turned it into a positive, that she wanted the best for me and therefore chose to give me to a better home, etc. I truly believe that children are much smarter than we give them credit for.

Good luck to you all.

Kind Regards,
B.