Telling 3 Year Old of Death

Hi K.--
We recently lost my mom to cancer and then not even a year later we lost both my husband's mom & brother in a car accident. My older daughter was very close to both grandmothers and took both losses very hard. My pastor sent me a book entitled "Someone I Love Died" by Christine Harder Tanguald. I found it to be very beneficial for us. It is suggested for ages 3 & up and can be found at most book stores. Hope it helps you as well :)

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K.,
My deepest sympathy for the loss of your mother This is going to be tough. My son lost his (caregiver) Pap at that very age and even though he knew Pap was sick, it was very difficult.
The way I explained it to my son was that all living things have a beginning of life, a middle of life and an end to life. I told him that Pap was very sick, the doctors tried to do everything they could to make him better, but that sometimes people are just so sick, even the doctors cannot do enough or do anymore.
I told him that Pap went to live with Jesus in heaven, where he would live forever. That he was not in pain or sickness any more, but he had to stay there forever, could not come back to visit and that we would see him again when our own lives were over and we went to live with Jesus.

Try to avoid words like she's "sleeping", she's watching you from heaven" -- these ideas can confuse and frighten kids.

I also told my son that as long as he remembers Pap, he would be in his heart forever.

I also reassured him that his Pap really loved him and that Pap knew he loved him too.

Also, be prepared, kids process this info in little chunks. At first when you tell her, your daughter may not seem to understand. It's a slow process. Questions will come up days, weeks, months from now. It will catch you off guard and it will be really tough. Especially when you, yourself, are having a "good" day and then WHAMO--a question about grandma or heaven or death. Just re-state your information as many times as she needs to hear it until she begins to comprehend it.
Best of luck explaining this to your little one. God bless.

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Wishing you peace and comfort at this time.

I agree with the other posters, because being Christian, you know that your mom truly has gone home to play with the angels and rest with God, her protector.

I would tell your daughter on a day that you might have typically visited your mom, that you won't be visiting her at the home anymore, because her grandmother went home to live with the angels and God in heaven. I would reassure her that she is happy, well, and taking care of you and your daughter from her new home in heaven. Your daughter may ask where heaven is, or whether you can visit her there, and you might simply tell her that she can talk to her grandmother in her prayers or visit her in her dreams.

I would answer her questions honestly, but be careful not to say things that might frighten her, like her grandmother is "watching over her" because a small child might internalize that in a fearful way, like someone they can't see is watching them. I had a friend that had this happen. Otherwise, I would just be honest, and as the others said, keep it on her level as much as possible.

My condolences and best wishes to you all.

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K.,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. You might want to focus on her "suffering" or that her "body was tired" and god wanted her to feel good again so he asked her to come to heaven. She'll really miss everyone here very much and will love them forever, but when god asks...Make it very simple. A person her age can't handle much. you'll talk about this again in the future, maybe only for a moment at a time, but it will make sense to her. Maybe it won't all register now but make sure you mention something about your mom being older or sick. Kids can get the idea that God might ask you to come be with him and that is incredibly scary. So keep that in mind.

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Since you mentioned you are Christian, I assume that she knows about God and Heaven. If she doesn't, now would be a good time to talk to her about it. Tell her simply that her grandmother went to live with God in Heaven. She is too young for you to make a big deal about this. Just make your comment about the situation very simple. When/if she asks questions, just answer them honestly, but at her level. Since she visited with her grandmother often, she is likely to keep asking where her grandmother is. Just tell her the same thing every time, that her grandmother went to live with God in Heaven. As she grows older, you can change the answer to fit her age. But for now, just keep it simple.

And, please accept my sympathies for the loss of your mother.

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I am very sorry for your loss. My husband just lost his father this year. I told my kids that he went to heaven to be with the angels. My four year old understood and had a very bad crying moment. My husband and i thought she wouldn't register it....we were wrong. Every child is different...just be ready for tissues and hugs. God bless you and you and your daughter are in my prayers.

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K.,

I'm very sorry for your loss. If you have netflix (or a public library) you can try to find the Sesame Street after Mr. Hooper died. I was 3 when that happened, and the SS episode was excellent. I totally "got it" just from that.

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My husband's grandfather just died last week and we had to tell my 4 year old. She took it really well. We had just visited him in the hospital about a week before so she already knew that he was sick. We just told her that she won't be seeing him any more because he died. We explained it was ok t be sad and we explained what the viewing would be like and that she didn't have to go up to the coffin if she didn't want to. What you say doesn't have to be elaborate. Keep it simple and then field her questions as they come.

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My daughter is 3, we have a granmda with not much time left. Here is exactly what I will tell her:

"Grandma died, she went to be with Jesus in heaven. She's very happy. You can pray and talk to her any time." Then we'll talk about nice things about her life and how everything is exactly as it should be.

If your daughter has any questions, answer them, but stay away from everyone else dying one day and seeing her in heaven...she's a little young to start worrying and thinking too in depth about it. Keep all answers positive and happy.
Good luck!

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Hi K., I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. This story is very similar to the other ones posted on here but I figured it couldn't hurt. It is actually regarding a close friend of mine who just went through this. Her daughter was 3 when pa-pa (grandfather) died. She explained that pa-pa was in heaven with Jesus and looking out for all of us and that he was not sick anymore. About 6 months later I was visiting her and her daughter and she had a little necklace on. I asked where she got the necklace and the 3 y.o. responded "pa-pa gave it to me..he's with Jesus in Heaven now". It was very touching and she was very much OK with it. At the age of 4 grandmom died and though she's a year older now and had just visited with grandmom my friend told her the same thing. She has a new body that is not sick or hurting and is with Pa-Pa and Jesus in Heaven. She's had some random questions about things but seems to be ok with it all. There was never any mention about "they just went to sleep" or "everyone dies" but it was a very simple explanation to assure her that they were still ok even though we cannot see them anymore.
I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

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Hi K.,

My daughter was 3 when this story happened . . . I was driving her to daycare one day and she saw a cemetary. she asked what it was. I whispered a quick, "Give me words, Lord", and started out. I told her that when people got old and their bodies didn't work anymore, then God gave them new ones. The new ones don't get sick or break, or anything, but with the new one, you can't live here on earth, you have to live in God's house.

About 6 months later, my grandmother died. When I told my daughter about it, she thought for a little while, then said, "MOMMY!!! She doesn't need her wheelchair anymore !!!!" And she was VERY excited, because Grandma could now run and jump, just like she could.

I wrote a children's book using that as the story line, but no one bought it. :-) So, I give it to you, to share with your daughter.

The key is to be okay with the sorry and sadness, because WE will miss Grandma, and it does hurt, and sometimes it hurts WAY TOO MUCH. But, you also want your daughter to be impressed with God's love, and how when our bodies don't work anymore, He, in his love, provides a new and better one that never needs repair. And if you need things to do when she misses Grandma, maybe she can color a picture for her, and put it on the refrig. Or draw a picture of Grandma having fun in heaven. (It'll be interesting to see what "having fun in heaven" means to a 3 yr old, wouldn't it?)

The traumatic part of telling your daughter, is that in some ways, YOU are traumatized. It's so hard to face when Mom dies. Even if she was suffering, even if she was in a nursing home. She as Mom, and somehow when Mom dies, it's like we lose the opportunity to "run home to mom" and be a little kid again on the inside. But you know what? My dad died when I was only 1, and My mom never remarried. Whenever we as a family talked about Dad, we ALL cried. (sometimes we'd get my mom to share stories), but we weren't traumatized by that. We knew Dad was in heaven, and it was okay, because we also knew that while he lived he loved us dearly. And that's okay. I think you'll find that your daughter's faith will comfort you -- even at age 3.

Blessings, and peace. God is with you, too, even while being with your mom.

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Hi K.,

I an sorry to hear about your loss. I wish for you and your family all the tender mercies that God can bestow on you all for healing.

Allow the children to ask questions about how they are feeling and answer them to their understanding level how you feel and believe.

God be with you and your family in your time of sorrow. D.

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Oh no, first I am so sorry for your loss. Luckily my kids are older and our parents are doing good. As a christian tell her your mom went home to be with God. Tell her she is doing good and playing with angels, something a young child will find comfort in. Talk about her, show your daughter pictures and just remind her that your mom is ok and happy.

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