Tell My Husband or Not?

A., oh my. You need some support through this and someone to lean on. Tell your husband if you do become pregnant and tell him that you are counting on him to keep this a private matter until you are both ready to reveal the news. Does he know how this cruel and insensitive woman hurt you so badly? I have had a miscarriage and I can certainly empathize with you; it's extremely painful emotionally. Hang in there and I'm wishing the very best outcome for you and your family.

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Your husband would tell this lady anyway even though she was so cold to you?? He is still friends with her? That's just not right! My opinion is that you tell your husband and also premise it by saying that under no circumstances will he tell this woman friend or ANYONE. You come first and you need to tell him that if he tells her you will lose faith in him. What matters to him most - your faith in him or having this lady know that you’re pregnant? He has to have your back – bottom line! Does he know how mean this woman was to you before? If he does, it would just be cold hearted for him to betray you.

I hope all goes well!

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I would tell him if and when you find out you are pregant , does he know about the comments this woman made? If he does why on earth is he still friends with her? Why would anyone want a heartless person like that as a friend!

Good luck

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What did your H do when his friend was a beast to you? It seems like this is the bigger issue. She HURT you. Did he protect you? And if not, why?

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First of all, I wish you a very happy and healthy pregnancy.
I've been through some things with my pregnancies too and knowing when to tell people was always a bone of contention. I kept things secret with my son because early on it didn't look like I would have a successful pregnancy and I just wanted it kept to ourselves and immediate family. I didn't even tell my daughter until we were certain the pregnancy would be viable etc.
Having said that, if you find out that you are indeed pregnant, I would tell your husband. But, I would also tell him that you considered keeping it a secret from him until you knew you were out of the woods based on the horrible things that were said to you when you lost your last baby by his "friend". If he can't keep your pregnancy secret until YOU are comfortable releasing the news, you will be heartbroken and feel that he's being insensitive to your feelings about it. He may want to shout and tell the world, but with what you've been through, you feel it's something to be kept just between the two of you until you know more, and if he can't respect that then you honestly don't know what's safe to say to him anymore.
If that doesn't get through to him, then I don't know anything that will. And, I would name his "friend" as someone specifically not to tell after the way she made you feel last time you lost a baby.
I'm friends with lots of married men but I would never hurt their wives for anything. In fact, they hear it from me if THEY'VE done anything to hurt them.
I can understand you wanting to wait for the HCG levels, but waiting for a few months because you're afraid of him blabbing....
You need to tell him, if you are pregnant, that you really struggled with that decision.
Hopefully he will see how important it is to you. Surely a female friend wouldn't carry enough weight to trump that. I'd hope.

I just really wish you the very best.

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You have to tell your hubs. It's his child as well and will be a great support to you until you are "out of the woods" so to speak. You should and I mean absolutley tell him I know you are good friends with "insensitive" woman but she really hurt me when we lost our last pregnancy and until I tell you otherwise please out of respect for me and our family do not tell her or anyone until I am ready. I'm sure he will listen to you. Fingers and toes crossed that this pregnancy will go smoothly. Best of luck.

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I would tell your husband right away! You and he are a team, and need each other's support. He should not tell anyone at all if you don't want him to, and I would hope that he doesn't. Emotional support during difficult AND joyous times are fundamental in a marriage, if you can't rely on each other, who else is there?
Stay as positive as you can, and I know you will be getting lots of love and prayers sent your way during this waiting period! Let us know what the test says. Good luck and God bless! :)

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First, I really hope you are pregnant!

But second, if you can't trust your own husband to keep his mouth shut, who CAN you trust? I feel like he should know--whether the news is good or bad. God bless!

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A.,
If I was in your shoes, I would wait until I know for sure, if possible after the first trimester if I could. I beleive men are different species! What that woman might had said to you and her insensitivity towards you, might have been taken from a different perspective from your husband's point of view! He probably thinks you made too much of it! So, since you are not going to change your husband; just because you can't; then change the way you relate things to him, in this case just hold on and don't say anything until you get a green light from your doctor and then you can just surprise your him with the news :)
Blessings

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I'm so sorry for you losses.

I would just ask him now. 'Honey, when I become pregnant again, do you want to know as soon as I know? Or do you want to wait until I'm 3m along... to find out?'

Its straightforward and then you aren't guessing, and you aren't keeping anything from him. You are finding out how he feels. Its also part of the healing processes to know that you are on the same page as far as future kids are concerned.

As for not letting anyone else know, that is understandable. When I found out I was pregnant for the 2nd time hubby had run out and told the world. Then I lost the baby, and he didn't tell ANYONE besides family that I had lost it. Whenever I would run into friends they would congratulate me and then I had to break the news to them, sometimes in the middle of a grocery store. When I got pregnant a 3rd time I told hubby within a few days of finding out. We swore a pact to not tell anyone else until the 3m mark. Thankfully he stuck to that.

Hugs,
M.

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They don't call it the miracle of life for nothing!

My opinion is your husband should definitely know! He was part of the baby making process in the first place and if a life was created then you are both part of God's intimate plan for this child!

With the difficulties you've had before, hasn't your husband experienced them too? I'm sure he has had the sense of loss, frustration, worry, fear and any other emotions wrapped up in those situations. If something should happen again, wouldn't you want him to turn to for comfort and understanding?

To paraphrase the famous quote: "It's better to have known/loved, and lost, then to have never known/loved at all."

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I say don't tell (ducks from the stuff being thrown at her... :)

Here's my reasoning...

I have a significant other who had a female "friend" whom he was REALLY close with...and I found out VERY early (about 2 weeks along) in my pregnancy. During that time I didn't want ANYONE to know because I was one, debating on whether or not I was even going to HAVE a child (ducks again) and two, being pregnant and over 35 and coming from a very old fashioned family, didn't want anyone to know til AFTER i was at least 12 weeks along to confirm viability. (I had had a miscarriage once before)

When I found out, and because we were in a fairly new relationship, I told him. I didn't want to make the decision lightly and didn't want to make it alone...and I can guarantee that right after the conversation (he was on a break at work and I was meeting him there) he called her and told her about it to "get her advice" and she told two friends and so on and so on and so on til when I did finally decide and the 12 weeks were up, I made the announcement and half of his friends say "I THOUGHT YOU"D NEVER TELL WE"VE KNOWN FOR AGES"...which in turn made me keep things from him even more because of it. (and made me feel like he betrayed a trust)

Situations are different...I get that...but my SO's friend, like your husbands, is/was very INSENSITIVE towards me and us and he did nothing about it...and if she's been around as long as I think she has, he'll have a hard time not telling her. I'm just trying to save you the issue of ONE being pregnant and TWO having to deal with the fact that odds are, he's not going to keep your secret.

Good luck to you!!

Sending good thoughts your way!!

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IMHO, your husband should absolutely know. Imagine how he might freak out if you do lose the baby again and he comes home to find you totally devastated or whatever. If you can't count on him to keep it quiet and not tell anyone else when you ask him to so, I think you have a problem that's going to way outlast your pregnancy. I'm with others that I personally find it disturbing that your husband is friends with a woman that is so insensitive and that he would actually share something that should be private between the two of you with her.

BTW, I am speaking from experience here with my "ex" and a female friend he had - he would talk to her about things that were private in our marriage and then try to give me her recommendations ... I suffered through that waaay longer than I should have. I know I've gotten off-track, but this is just a huge red flag to me.

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If you are pregnant, it's his baby too. He needs to know and experience it with you, even if the outcome is not what you both hoped.

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You need to tell your husband right away. This is his journey, too, and he needs to be a part of it from the beginning.

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I understand the desire for privacy. When I go into labor, I have the same instincts cats do. I want to go hide under the bed to have my babies. I hate having so many people around. But Pregnancy should be a team sport, whenever possible. Expecially with your high risk history. You're going to need him. And tell him an army of moms are ticked at him for being friends with such a smug, insensitive jerk!

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I know loss... I have had 8 pregnancies... I have one child. She was not my first or my last pregnancy... Still, she is my light! I won't be having any more. I feel your pain and your want.

That being said, you need to tell your husband. The life inside you is part of him too. He should know... If you do happen to lose another one, it would be unfair to blindside him with the loss and unfair for you to go through that by yourself. Don't guilt yourself into not communicating with your partner.

As for the other woman, you need to tell your husband about the hurtfulness of the previous situation and this is a precious part of your lives as a couple not something the whole world needs to share.

My prayers are with you.

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Um look, the problem to me is:

1) that woman-friend of your Husband... SHE is the problem. SHE is mean. SHE has a big mouth.

2) Why should your pregnancy information, be contingent on IF this woman knows or not? And on IF your Husband tells her or not... REGARDLESS of your privacy and your right to CONFIDENTIALITY between a Spouse/couple? They do not think, about your privacy nor respect that.

3) That woman-friend of your Husband, is mean and hurtful to you with your prior pregnancy... so, what the heck, did your Husband DO... to protect you? Um, who is the "boss" in that friendship? If a friend of mine, outwardly bashed my Husband, I would have told her/him off, or not be friends with that person.

This whole situation... is between you and your Husband.... and ANYTHING about you/your marriage/pregnancy, is probably told to his woman-friend, by him.
So, you need to address that.
How would your Husband feel... if you had a good guy-friend, and you told him everything personal about your Husband? I am sure, your Hubby would not like that.

all the best,
Susan

This is too big of a potential heart breaker to carry alone. He is clearly totally invested in the process. You should walk this path together.

Tell your husband how important it is that he not share whatever information comes up. He should respect that. But you need the support. And he deserves to be a part of the process under these circumstances.

(whatever you do is utterly YOUR decision and you should feel good about it either way and trust your instincts...this is just my 2 cents since you asked).

Good Luck, and hang in there!

First, Congrats! Prayers that all will be well with you and baby. Second, TELL your husband! THird, get rid of inconsiderate friend. Doesn't matter if she is HIS friend. You need to share your concerns about this "friend" with your husband too.

Tell your husband NOW! He has a right to know. If you don't want others to know express that to your husband but don't keep this from him!

My questions is WHY in the world would your husband be friends with someone who talked badly about his wife losing his children? That makes NO sense to me. Is she family or just a friend?? Either way, he needs to have nothing to do with that woman. I would never hide anything like that from my husband. I would imagine he would be furious if he was to find out you hid something like that from him. If he's wanting another child like you are, then he needs to be involved with everything, even if it's another miscarriage. I think it is easier said then done to hide something like that from your hubby, when the time comes you will want to share whats going on and when the time is right, you will be pregnant again. .Good luck to you, I will pray for your family, but kick that other woman to the curb!! : )

Your husband is your partner in life, I would share it with him. But I would tell him under no uncertain terms is he to tell that women.. ......who could be friends with someone like that anyway."still had her pregnancy" how dare she be so mean. If that were my husbands friend SHE wouldnt be anymore!!

I would tell him. He needs to know...but one thing I really enjoyed with my daughter's pregnancy was I took a test after my DH went to bed. It was positive and I didn't wake him up...I kept it my little secret until the morning and it was such a special feeling talking to my baby being the only one who knew she was there.

As far as losses go...I have also been pregnant 8 times and have 2 children. So, you are not alone in experiencing miscarriage. Sending you a great big HUG!!

I agree with the other posters that you and your husband should go through this together, and my prayers are with you. I would, however, explain to him that you want this kept just between the two of you, and to tell NO ONE. You should also tell him how his friend made you feel, and that you explicitly do not want to share any information with her. Hopefully he will distance himself from her, and surely he will honor your request.

Dear A. Jo:

I would find it impossible to not tell my husband immediately, personally.

As far as his insensitive friend, I'd tell my husband he's welcome to tell her anything he likes because I won't be seeing or hearing from her because she's not welcome anywhere near me!

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter

I would not suggest withholding info from your husband for any reason- he should know what's going on with you at all times.

Also- why would he be friends with a woman who made you feel that way?

I would want my husband to be there with me through it all. Unless he is hurting to much from the other miscarriages. It may be rough on him too. He is your support and could be there for you.

If you decide to wait then just go and do your appointments and then when it's all clear give him the good news.