Teens Not Doing Their Share

A. - We are big fans of kids starting to do their 'chores' and help in the house as soon as they can walk!!

Very simple to get these three lovely teens in check at this point.... Purchase a door handle lock for master bedroom or closet and install - Strip teen rooms of everything but bed, clock and some necessary things to wear <about a weeks worth is enough>. Put items in locked area;do not tell children where they are.
It is the 'family home' when they learn to participate in the 'home' they may earn their belongings back. Most households have wii/cell phones/dvd players etc. These are gone less than 48 hours and teens WILL SEE the light!!
It may seem drastic, but it works like a charm......
Good Luck to her.

1 mom found this helpful

it would be silly to quit a job because the kids are not doing there share. I hate the teenage stage. It is so selfish. When my teenager acted that way I made sure she got no privlages- no cell phone, dont ask me to take you shopping, to a friends etc.. she quickly learned we are a family and we work together- she is 20 now and living at home and I am considering taking her door off the hinges- young girls hate to lose their privacy. so keep your room picked up and you wont lose it.

What about having them work on "commission"? Dave Ramsey (financial peace expert www.daveramsey.com) talks about having kids do their chores to earn their allowance, t.v. time, etc. instead of just giving it to the kids. By making them work for it, it teaches that you don't just get things handed to you. You actually have to do something to EARN what you get. He suggests posting a list of the chores and how often they need to be done at the beginning of the week and how much each chore is worth (e.g. Load/Unload dishwasher all week - $5.00). Then the kids can pick what they are going to do and if they don't they don't get their allowance/tv time/etc. If your sister's teens are so lazy, enabling them by quitting her job to clean up after them isn't going to do them any favors in the long run. Unless, she wants to clean up after them forever because no roommate or future spouse is going to want to deal with that. I hope this helps- the website I gave does have some info about Dave's ideas too!

Wow your poor sister. Her kids are not happy that she is back at work, but they need to grow UP! They are not respecting her and taking advantage. She needs to stop doing anything for them NO cooking, cleaning, driving, laundry etc... until they obey and do their share to help the family. She needs to Kevin Lemans book Have a new kid by Friday.

Start taking things or priveledges away. Cell phones, activities, etc... Reward good behavior. Spending money, activities, clothing. They are old enough to get how commerce works. :)

Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jello to a tree! If your sister always did the housework for her children its not likely they will step up to the plate now and help out because she is working. I have a 16 year old daughter and twins that are 15. Their father left us when they were all in diapers so it has been very hard on all of us. But I'll tell you what I did and it works most of the time. I gave them each two days a week to help (1 had Monday and Thursday, 1 had Tuesday and Friday, and 1 had Wednesday and Saturday -- Sundays its a group effort). If it was their day they had to help prepare dinner AND load the dishwasher and wipe down the counters and table after dinner. They also had to feed the dog and put him out if it was their day. (The dog was also allowed to sleep with them on their day AND if it was their day they could sit in the front seat of the car if we drove anywhere so those were small rewards when they were younger.) Now if a particular child doesn't do their dishes by the time I get home from work, then they will have to do the other two's dishes for the whole week. I usually give them 2 chances before they have to pick up the whole week's worth of dishes. Since none of them want that, they usually do their dishes before I get home. But it does take discipline and you have to follow through. It is good to teach children responsibility at a young age. If they accept that responsibility it will follow them through life and make them better people. (Nothing was said about where their father is at -- does he do any work?)

Teens are never going to do their fair share but money speaks to them. I don't know if they get an allowance or if money is handed out when needed. Both my daughters get a very small amount each week and just last night I told them they wouldn't be receiving anything next week because they haven't been helping out. It grabs their attention--for a short while--and then you have to do it again, and again, and again. It cracks me up when they talk about when they leave home and are on their own. They will know how hard it is to go to school, work, and have to do all the things at home. I say don't quit something you love, don't clean up after them, and don't get caught up in the battle. Good luck!

I think the first problem is that SHE stayed up until 2:00 a.m. cleaning the house. I would have gotten them up and make them do it. She is enabling them by cleaning their mess. I don't understand how there is a fight? She is the parent and obviously isn't following through with punishment or consequences for their actions. She needs to take away things that are important to them until they EARN it back. Don't yell, take away games, phones or ground them etc. It's simple its called disclipine, and following through with the disclipine. It's easier to just do it yourself sometimes but she's not doing them any favors in the long run it's hurting them.

Hi A.--I don't have my own experience with teens yet, but my aunt did a rather bold thing in a similar situation a few years back. She had been a full-time mom until her 2 sons were teenagers and then she started getting more interested in her own things. They were not helping with tasks around the house despite being young healthy kids. They had an inground swimming pool which all of the kids liked to hang out around. The task of cleaning it always fell to my aunt. She kept saying that if they didn't start helping, she would fill it in. No response. SO...one day while they were at school, the bulldozers came and filled the thing in and planted grass where it had been! It got their attention! Perhaps your sister could find a less drastic "swimming pool" moment?

as a sahm of two boys(19 & 13), I can only tell you how we do things here. the oldest is away at college, but when he is home, he has to help too. each boy has their assigned tasks. dishes in dishwasher, one takes them out. one sweeps, one vacuums. each puts their own clothes away. they split the lawn mowing during the summer. I don't give them a specified allowance, as we are all part of this family and have to support each other. however, if they have done their work without a lot of nagging, when they need some cash to go out..movies etc. want to have some extra money, then I will help them out. if they have not performed..no fun money! no special treatment. I don't spend a lot of time yelling. if they don't want to help, they don't get stuff! eventhough I am a sahm, I refuse to do all of the work myself.

Every teen is different, some may not respond to taking away allowance, some may not care about going out with friends. But rest assured each kid has his or her own LEVERAGE point. (For my son it was his hair.) Find their leverage points and use it against them. STOP DOING THINGS FOR THEM. Don't do their dishes. Don't fix them dinner. Go out to dinner (even if it's McDonalds) without them. Don't bring them places. THe next time they ask for somehting--clothes, new "toy", etc. --say NO and stick to it. And tell them why: "I'm sorry but remember when I asked you to help around here and you refused. Since I've had to do the things you won't help with, I don't have the time or the money to do that for you." Believe me, the world won't cater to them.

A. B, I agree with you. The Teens need to chip in. Yelling is not the answer. All that does is stress Mom out. Plus the teens won't do anything until Mom screams. She must not really mean it unless she is yelling. Its a visous cycle. She needs to keep her jobs. Quitting only gives them power. She needs to figure out what would motivate them, If they loose something that will motavate them. No phone would have got me to do anything my mother asked. Maybe no videogames or the have to read a book for 2 hours. They have something that they like or dislike they would work to keep or to not have to do. Put the clothes in a garbage bag in the garage until they earn the privelage to have clean clothes and are willing to put them away. I sound harsh. I know. But you only have to do it once. They will step up their game. L. D

Get the book "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens Will Talk" by Mazlish and Faber

Hi A. my heart goes out to your sister.I am a mom with two teenagers ages 13,17 10, and 9 years respecttively.Like your sister I was a stay at home mom for awhile until Istarted working at night,Iwould do all the chores in the home until I realize I WAS GETTING VERY exhausted not tired mind there is a difference.So guess what I did I did the chores chart,every other night the two teenagers and I WOULD TAKE TURNS DOING THE DISHES,they each had to do their own laundry fold and put them away,and clean their own room and its been working well.If for some reason someone did not do the chores when it was their turn some previlege was taken away whether it may a game some sports party that they wanted to go to ONCE THE SEE how serious I was they started doing what they had to do.Now I HAVE A CLEAN HOUSE AND AHAPPY Home and Idon't have to scream about it anymore so the chart really works the kids just have to see that you are serious about what your expectations are.
Hope this helps.
FR D. M.

First of all, it is not her job to quit everything and wait on them hand and foot. She would be teaching them nothing but more laziness. In my house, our teenager is expected to keep her bathroom and bedroom cleaned. We have explained that things like driving and going places are privileges earned not expected. Unless she shows us responsibility within the house, no driver's ed, no car and no going places with her friends. The 17 year old should lose the car except for work, if he has a job. Grades are an issue too, there are certain standards to be kept in order to have these privileges. Your sister needs to set the rules and consequences. It has worked for us with our daughter. She may not like it at times, but she respects it and abides. I would have left the mess, got them up early to clean it up and that's that. Don't coddle them, it is about discipline and them learning responsibility. Not teaching it to them staying home and doing it for them.

A.,

I'm sorry to hear about what your sister is going through, she's not alone!!!
I'm a mom of a 17 year old boy 3 year old girl and 1 year old boy (I know, a huge age difference :)).
Anyway, my oldest is awful when it comes to helping out around the house and nothing seemed to work except for the one thing he enjoys the most. His cell phone!!!!
I was having some problems with him in school and told him if he couldn't turn it around he was going to lose his cell phone privledges, sure enough he didn't turn it around so I suspended his cell phone til I felt he was going to change his attitude.
I had to do this a couple of times and each time it would get longer. I only have advice for the 17 year old. As far as the 11 year old I used to take away his playstation things like that computer, etc.
It seems like nothing works with these teenagers these days it's awful. I really hope something works out for your sister cause I know what it's like to be a stay at home mom and she's probably loving getting out in the evening with the Partylite thing.
Also, another thing, I started my son doing his own laundry at the age of about 11 or 12 and that could possibly give them some sort of responsibilty. If they want clean clothes they'll have to wash & dry them, especially the older ones.

I know the only way I ever get my son to do something is if he needs something otherwise he has to get it himself. I realize it sounds mean but I think alot of these kids today are spoiled. I wish I could of got away with this when I was young!!! LOL

Good Luck to your sister, hope it helped somewhat.

She needs to sit down with her kids and explain to them that she is overwhelmed and things are not going smoothly, so they have the option of them pitching in or for her to stop working. She can explain to them that if she stops working, then unfortunately, she will have to stop cell phone service for all three kids, allowance will be limited to $X/week, they won't get $$ for school lunches so they will have to brown bag it, suspend driving privileges to save on gas $$ and for XMas, they will be limited to a $25 each, etc. Or they can come up with a list of chores that they will each be responsible for each week and as long as they complete their chores, they can continue to keep their privileges. When something is not done, she shouldn't negotiate with them, but just look them in the eye and say you can "go with your friends when the dishes are done and your room is clean" or "you can have your allowance when the garbage is taken out", etc. Everytime they ask, she should just repeat the same words in a calm, but firm voice. She doesn't have to explain herself or yell. She is the mom and what she says goes. Then she needs to stick to her guns and be willing to keep "Tommy" home on the night of the football game or from that party that everyone is going to, etc.

Good luck!

A word of encouragement for your sister, she is not alone. Unfortunately, the problem is of epidemic proportions as we have taught our children that they are entitled to everything.

One book not mentioned already is the faith-based, practical teachings of Kevin Lehman; "How to have a new kid by Friday".

Hope your sister can find the strength to bypass teh easy quick fixes and make choices for the long term benefit of her and her family.

This is actually pretty simple although if her kids are used to her doing everything it will be an adjustment. I would resist the urge to get all "hard" on them or drastic like taking away a huge thing. But rather let them know that things are changing and here's what you expect. Make a list or whatever of the things each of them are expected to do and make it clear what priveliges they will lose if they don't do it. (cell phone, computer time, going out with friends, etc). I would be loving about it, but tell them you need help and they need to learn to be responsible young adults. If they want to negotiate some points, be open to thier suggestions. But make it clear that they have to pull thier weight. ALso I suggest you make it a fun family effort if possible. If one kid prefers one kind of job over another let him have it, etc. You don't want a major rebellion on your hands and yelling is not the answer. Appeal to the more grown-up side of them and ask them to show you that they are not just babies anymore. At first you may have to prove you mean it and do so. Make sure you are taking away somethng they really want.

I am 26 years old so I was a teenager a few short years ago. I got the idea that my mom would do it all if I didn't and it worked for a while. Your sister needs to lay down the law with the teens. This is what my mom had to do with me. My mother was an awesome cook and she would not cook until the kitchen was clean. Also she took away all of my privelidges. Figure out what is important to each kid and take that away. Mine was reading so my mother took all of my books away and I learned real quick. I hope this helps you and I hope it works when my kids are teens! LOL!!

I read all the other answers and these moms are on target. I have two boys, older now eighteen and almost 24. They had to experience consequences for their behavior. Sister should not have to give up her job to keep the house, but she shouldn't give up the money that she is making either to treat them if they don't deserve it. It seems so simple right. But it takes awhile to have it work. They certainly do not think about her when they are doing something else Hopefully she can have a talk with them. An eleven year old is not too young to work either but I am sure your sister feels guilty about leaving them. Heck all of us moms have that nature I think. Ok, maybe a few don't. Anyway tell her good luck from us. S.

The answer is always relationship building, no matter the age of the child or the specific issue. In homes where there is an unconditional environment of mutual trust, respect and consideration, children willingly and joyfully help as they are able. Punishment/consequences may "get the job done," but an attitude of helpfulness and joyful cooperation will never be the fruit of that approach.

In our culture, children, especially teenagers, don't receive much respect and are not seen in a very positive light (as you can see from the responses here). Parents set kids up with the reward/punishment paradigm very early on because they believe children won't do the right thing unless coerced and manipulated. Then they are surprised when they one day have teenagers who are not as easily manipulated or coerced and don't just do the right thing for the sake of it. They're just living up to the low expectations that were set for them years before! Alternatively, when you assume children don't require rewards/punishments to manipulate good behavior and that they learn from parents modeling desired behavior *toward* them, a whole new world opens up.

You've already received the typical answer here several times over and it will probably "work" according to one definition of success, but the deeper, more satisfying answer will require a different kind of work. The books by Alfie Kohn "Unconditional Parenting" and "Punished by Rewards" and "Living Joyfully Children" by Win & Bill Sweet would be helpful if your sister is interested in that journey.

She needs to take away ALL their extras! No internet, cell phones, xbox, and everything else that means anything to them until they listen. She also MUST not pick up after them. You don't get dirty or lazy out of someone that you're doing all their work for
p.s. NO LUNCH $. Make them pack their own lunch or go without. they're not kids so don't let her give in; they're already use to that. They just tune her out when she hollers, she needs to show she means business. Get that 11 year old busy with his chores too before that one starts giving her trouble.

I have 2 teenagers and they are actually pretty helpful most of the time. When they do slack off I remind them of the rules. If they continue to slack off then I stop doing anything for them until they start helping. That means their dinner does not get made, the dishes do not get done, they do not get a ride anywhere etc. They have to do their own laundry. If it does not get done they will be wearing dirty clothes. It may take a few days but most of the time they catch on quickly.

I only have babies, but I've taught high school for almost 10 years and I agree - for teenagers, take away privileges. And, since your sister is using her free time to do the things that her kids won't do, fix it so that their free time is also spent. Stop doing their laundry, for example. And if it's really bad, she can do what my mom would do to us - pick up all the things that are left out, and put them in a garbage bag. She figured that if we didn't care enough to take care of our things, then they weren't really that important to us. It sounds harsh, but I think teenagers need a wake up and a message that moms are serious every once in a while. And, when they get it and are ready to pitch in, make sure they get a say in how they will help. When given the choice, I'm sure one would rather be responsible for unloading the dishwasher, while the other would rather fold laundry. And making choices does provide ownership and foster a sense of responsibility. Wow, I am not looking forward to my kids being teenagers. Good luck to her!

I have worked with kids between the ages of 2 and 19 for the last 15 years, and have a couple suggestions that have often worked...

People, no matter their age, seem to respond well to games. Kids are no different, and can often get their exchange in around the house if it is presented in game format. What do they enjoy right now, and what do they do to get it? If they enjoy watching t.v., playing video games, having friends over, going to the movies, but they do nothing around the house to earn that, their exchange is out.

If she takes the time to sit down with the three of them and work out rewards and penalties, and what they need to do to help around the house and earn rewards, she may find that they will start doing things without being forced. She gets them in on the rewards and penalties that are to be used, because then when its enforced they can't "blame her", they themselves helped set them. For example, you need 50 points or "stars" to earn $10 for the movies or whatever. You earn points by doing various housework, get them taken away for poor school performance, backtalking your mom, etc. It may not be an overnight success, but I guarantee you that anyone would be interested in a game at their level, you just have to find the one that works for them.

I have 3 children at home 22, 19 & 17. It can be challenging going from doing everything for them when they are little to making them responsible for some of the household duties.
They must face CONSEQUENCES, something painful for slacking off. Your sister must realize she has the upper hand. Kids always want something so the next time they ask DENY it. If they don't cooperate it means no spending money, no ride or car keys and being grounded. In our home grounded means you can't go anywhere, use the phones or use the game systems. You have to be specific. Example: Your room & the bathroom must be clean by Friday at 5pm or you are not allowed to go out. or The dinner table must be cleared & the dishwasher filled before I get home or you lose your game or driving privileges. They will whine & cry & try to wear her down especially if she is finally coming down on them so she has to stand her ground. And I hope she has their dad to back her up. It takes EFFORT but it is worth it!

Might sound harsh but she can do what my mother would do....one hold back the allowance if she gives one (they are good for getting kids to do chores) and all other funds that they ask for. No money what-so-ever as long as they aren't doing their fair share around the house.

My mother also stopped washing our clothes for us, cooking meals for us and even at one point threatened not to buy us food that we liked (liver and onions every night...she loves them) if we didn't do our fair share.

Now make up a list of things that needs to be done every day/night. Make an A catagory, B catagory, and a C catagory. Each week one child is responsible for a catagory...they rotate catagories. If she comes home and things in a certain catagory aren't done then she knows who the culprit was. That person gets no allowance or funds the next week. They would also be grounded for the weekend and maybe have to come along with me on my Party Lite parties to help make some money for the household.

Or if they work, she can start requiring rent from them. then she can use that money to hire a maid.