Teenagers Are a Challenge

There is a phenomenal book by John Davis (he's here in Littleton, Colorado) that deals specififically with teenage boys. It's called Extreme Pursuit: Winning the Race for the Heart of Your Son (you can find it on Amazon for about $4.50 used). He has helped my teenage nephew for a few years now and can help you steer your son in the right direction.

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A male role model doesn't have to be someone that you are romantically involved with. My 13 year old son has lots of role models. He is on a shooting team with male coaches, he is in Young Marines with male leaders, he does dance at school with male instructors. My point is that male role models are everywhere and it sounds like your son could really use one. Being a teenage boy is hard and it is even harder when there isn't anyone that can relate but friends around. Both my boys had a hard time even with all the activities and leadership cause well it's just hard to be a boy. I haven't ever done it so I don't understand and I'm not sure I ever will. Good luck to you.

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You mentioned you are a role model for your daughter--you are one for your son too! Just think of all the amazing lessons on strength and courage you are teaching him. So much of what he believes about women and the world, he is learning from you--particularly since his dad isn't around. Sit down and be honest with him and definitely look into Big Brothers or some program that gives him time with an older guy who can talk sports, school and the things that are bothering him. But remember, your son looks up to you. It just might take him time to realize and show it!

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I am around age 50, from a divorced family with brothers, and parents who dated a lot, have studied a lot of psychology and witnessed many similar scenarios. Based on my experience, your situation with your son is, unfortunately, normal. Boys have a terrible time turning into well-adjusted men without the father figure, which you are figuring out. If you listened to Dr. Laura, for example, you would hear calls like this every day.

The only suggestion that I have about proper role-modeling is to get the young man involved with a church teen group. Men who are well aware of these issues generally run these groups, they provide positive role-modeling, and they have in-depth discussions which could help provide the guidance that he needs. (Some of these groups are run by women -- you want the ones with the men in charge for your son.) Church teen groups are full of all kinds of kids from the community, including kids who have never gone to church.

People hate it when I say this, because they don't want it to be true, but GENERALLY SPEAKING (I didn't say "all the time", right?) kids hate it when their parents date and there's very little chance that a teenage boy will accept a new step-father as a role model. (I'm going to get hate mail now. Whatever.) Most of these kids will not tell the parents that they don't like the new girlfriend/boyfriend, because they don't want the parent to be mad at them.

Hi C.,
There is a lot going on here and your son's issue's are just a part of it. First of all regarding him, I highly reccomend Love and Logic parenting books, it works, it is not easy but it will help. It sounds like YOU have some issues as well, two marraiges and both to less than desirable men, can you get some counseling for yourself, it will help with your relationship with your son and any future relationships you may have! You are right about the Dad, just let it go and be grateful he does send the child support, some don't. And absolutely do not bad mouth the Dad in any way, let him create the relationship and suffer the consequences, good or bad. And don't take your son to counseling hoping they will fix him, you need some help first. ( sorry if that sounds abrupt but that's what I got out of your note).

I think your son can get a positive male influence without it being someone you're in a relationship with. Big Brothers is a good idea. Also, if you're involved with a church, you could talk with the pastor to see if he can suggest anyone from church. How about an uncle? Do you have any male friends who could fill that role?

People forget that boys need a good male influence in their lives at least as much as girls do. No matter how hard you try, you can never be that influence (your parts are wrong!)

Have you considered contacting the "big brothers, big sisters" program in your area? that might help with the male role model part... also, keep him in counseling... he is still so young, but growing up fast. he'll need all the guidence and influence (of good people, obviously) that he can get. i think having an absentee father is hardest on boys, and with all kids they can tend to kind of lash out at the person he is the most stable in their life (and kind of pine away for the one who has hurt and abandoned them the most)... just keep trying, keep reaching out to him and let him know you love him.

good luck and god bless you all.

Well, first you are right - teenagers ARE a challenge! We have a teenage boy and girl (and a toddler!). Both are overall good kids, but the boy was by FAR more challenging (and still is) than my daughter. Sounds like you are doing the right thing with the counseling - can you continue? A couple other resources you might think about:
-Big Brothers: When I was single, I was a Big Sister, and it's a great program, and is designed for situations like yours, when there's not a positive role model in the boy's life on a full time basis
-Church: maybe talk to your minister, or, if you aren't active in a church, find one in which you are comfortable. In addition to youth groups with positive male role models, your minister may know a number of other community options
-Uncles, friends etc - doesn't have to someone you are dating - maybe a neighbor that knows your son and would be willing to spend some time.
-Boy scouts (?)

Good luck - and remember that lots of parents - single parents AND married parents are going thru the same thing!

Dear C.. My name is M.. I live in Superior, Colorado. I would love to talk to you about teens as I have two daughters, 15 and 21. I am also a teacher (middle school). #1 My advice is not to seek prince charming at least not for your kids. They are not necessarily receptive to an outsider. If you don't want to date, you can have male friends around, but that also can be misunderstood. My girls never believe me when I say "just friends". also, from being on match.com, guys don't like women who are looking for someone to help raise their kids. #2 Love and accept your son. Find out what he is passionate about. Show him you care. Show him how to take care of things...I have questions about my teen as well. if you'd like to speak more, you could contact me at ____@____.com
Take care, M.

Having taught middle school for 27 years and raised 3 boys, two with serious mental health issues, I think you need to find a good "boy whisperer" mental health professional and a family counselor. Your son can not get through this on his own. Ask through your church about scouting, sports programs etc.

On the dating front, adolescent boys don't handle new men in their mom's life. Since he has been burned by the step father, your son is very vulnernable. It would be the very best for your family if you would focus on them rather than looking for prince charming. You have a very short time left with with these children. Spend the time building the relationships with them and addressing your demons. It will pay you big time over the long run.
Good luck.
E.

Have you looked into Big Brothers? They offer male role models in a positive light. I had looked into them for my daughter, wanting to find her a male role model but they will only place girls with girls and boys with boys. I have read their website, wish it was something I could use. I dont know if they have one in your area.

I don't know about the roll model part it is scary sometimes knowing who to put your trust in for those kinds of roles but I will suggest a book, 5 love languages of teenagers. if you can find his love language you will be able to find ways to connect with him.
I'm using this now with mine, they are all so different, 18 yr old girl talks about most things with a little prodding, if we need more connect a small gift or token opens the door,
17 yr old boy needs verbal affirmation of how great he is, that talking in positive ways gets us opportunities to connect
the 14 year old is service, he does extra chores to show he cares and if I make his bed or do a chore for him, a small service he responds
my 3 year old is quality time--
and my dh? well he is physical contact, he needs a touch on the shoulder a hug etc.
we kind of have all the languages here in our home--but knowing what language they interpret as love makes a huge difference. It helps us out.
Good luck.

Funny as I always here teen girls are way harder due to the hormone factor too.
Have you checked in your area about the Big Brother program, where your son can get a older male role model, to guide him and help him and be there for "guy stuff". They are screened and it seems to be a big bonus for a lot of young men.
I think all teens go through the "whole world misunderstands me" type issues. It is normal and it is sad your ex has little to do in the guidance dept. I have an ex 1,000 miles away, in the same boat as you and have two young ones so haven't hit the teen years yet!! Not looking forward to it, hee hee..just kidding.
Find something he is good at, tennis, golf, basketball and keep him busy with outside activities that build up his self esteem. I see even in my four year old, boys don't open up so it is normal. My daughter however at seven would dump her feelings out in a second, normal gender related stuff.
Take him to counselling if you feel he needs it, you know him better but I say keep him busy with a self esteem building activity and maybe tell him if he is struggling with school a tutoring progam.
The thing is counselling for some needs to be ongoing, not a few months, he is growing, body changing and all of that. There are some great books and I cannot think of the names of them off hand about boys, their changes, the way their brain works and so on, being 14 even in a perfect family setting isn't easy..hugs, and kudos to you being so aware and loving, he is lucky and will admire you and thank you one day, PROMISE!

Yes boys are a challenge. Mine is 17 and a junior this year. We have been fortunate in that he has found several male role models as his father and I have been divorced since he was about 3. If you don't have any siblings near by try looking into Big Brothers Big Sisters. They may be able to help find someone your son can talk to.

Teenagers are difficult. It sounds like you have a good idea about why he is behaving the way he is. Have you tried talking to your son about his feelings about what is going on in his life? He might not talk to you but I think try to be available to him emotionally. Also if he has a lot of feelings regarding his father (which it sounds like he might) he probably won't talk to you about them. Which he probably shouldn't. He needs to process his own feelings without worrying about yours. Kids in divorced situations often feel a conflict of loyalty with their parents. If he has been to counseling in the past why not start it up again? These things come in waves and take time, you are not going to get immediate results but it sounds like he needs someone he can trust to talk about his feelings with. I would get him a male counselor to help him work through some of these issues. And the counselor should contact the father and talk to him about these issues. Maybe then your ex will listen in it is coming from someone else.
Good luck!

I think that Big Brothers Program is a good idea. Also, see if he can talk to a counselor at school so that he can go see them when he needs to talk to someone. I also think like a family member that you trust can be the male role model too. School counselors who they can relate to are more available. You also have to reach out too and keep the lines of communications open. He will need you too as much as he needs a male role model. Be a listening ear so he can eventually come to you.
Good luck.

There is also a group called DeMolay. It is for boys 12-21. They learn memory work, how to fundraise, community service, respect, etc. There may be a chapter in your area. If you have trouble finding one, let me know.

I think this is a great organization for boys without positive male role models in their lives, or even those that do. They see role models in the male advisors, in the older boys, and they get to be role models to the younger boys.

Also, do you have any brothers or friends with nice husbands? You may want to try to spend some time with them, and ask them to take a bit more of an interest in your son during this difficult time.

I think it's great that you've been willing and able to get him some counseling. If he had an abusive step-dad, there's no telling how long those effects will last. Maybe it's time for another round. I love the Big Brothers idea, too. Good luck, mama.

C.,
I don't have great personal advice, but I can say that the Love & Logic books are really helpful and really right-on. There is a series of them and one is aimed at teenagers, which I just read. I'm trying to apply it to our situation and it does help.