Teenager Help

Have a talk with your son. Let him know that he must do well in high school so he can go to college. Limit his time spent with this girl without banning her altogether. Maybe have school nights for study and guy friends only and Sundays for family; that way he only has Fri and Sat evening with her.
Maybe some counseling would help if you think she is steering him into drugs or sex, etc.

At this age and stage in this game of life - anything you do will drive him further away from you. He'll NEVER see her as "bad" even IF you took video tapes of her or anything else. One could go on vacation alone without her - I don't care if it's the next town or two away - go and stay several days and do things with him. Have fun. He's already heading for depression and all IF she truly draggs him down. At this stage he'll verbably attack you and stick up for her. Be careful and have "family" times where she's included and excluded.

Hi T.....I did the same thing when I was 16. I was "engaged" to my high school boyfriend. I did not marry him and we broke up after high school. I wouln't worry too much about this. Hi is only 16. He can't actually marry her until he is 18, and that is two years away. A lot can happen in 2 years. If she is kissing other guys, I would bet that she evenually breaks up with your son. In the meantime, don't bad mouth her or you will push him away. There was nothing back then that my parents could have said that would have changed my mind. What worked for me was going to college. I saw a whole new world and my old high school boyfriend didn't look so good anymore. He will outgrow her. Just give it time. Good luck!

Hi T.,

I don't think that there is a thing that you can do about him being with this girl, even if you try, he will resent you, and you don't want it to go on longer than it should because they have to show you they were right.

The thing I would be concerned most about is that he is isolated himself. It sounds similar to the way that abusers cut of their partners from family and freinds. You could leave the girl freind out of your concerns completely, or even include her in your "worries" that he is so isolated. In short, take the focus off the girl friend and your dislike for her, assume that she is as concerned for him as you are, and play on the same team.

You do have the power at this point to take him to see a therapist or councelor, and maybe if he has a safe place to discuss his isolation, since that sheould be the reason that you take him, without you being there, maybe he will figure out what is going on for himself with the help of someone who does not know or dislike his girlfriend. If he is depressesd, these professionals will refer him to get the help he needs.

M.

Hi T.,

I didn't read the other responses. After reading your post, I relized that your son began dating this girl when he was 13.5 yrs old!!!
I definately would recommend that you tell him they need to break up and give him a list of things to begin or improve, schoolwise, social activities, sports, whatever.

My parents did not allow me to have a bf at that age and I didn't. They filled my schedule with activities, anywhere from going with my dad to the office, the dentist, then back home around 7 and only having enough time to do homework and watch some TV, maybe make some calls.... to swiming classes, tutoring for chemistry and physics - hard for me - you name it.
I don't know why parents act as though they can not take charge over a minor.

Hi,
The only thing you can do is sit back and watch the show, but if he falls be there to help him get up. I have two grown kids, a daughter who is 30 and a son who is 26. It doesn't get any better! I have had to watch my kids make bad choices and they would not listen. It's just like we were when we were kids, we wouldn't listen to our parents either. So just be sure it doesn't lead to any trouble with the law, otherwise there is nothing to do but watch.

I did the same thing when I was his age. My parents told me not to date him because he was a loser, etc. I had to learn for myself. He did turn to out to be a loser, but I had to see it for myself. Especially at that age, he'll have to make his own mistakes! Good luck!!!!

Of his buddies, how many have girlfriends? Could it be that he's just hanging onto her just to keep some sort of "cool" status among his peers? It certainly won't be something he'll admit to anyone. If so, he may need a different set of friends - who knows, he may find someone else and ditch the (whatever you want you call his current g/f). Maybe get him involved in some sort of group independent of this girl. Tell him that you want him to be in a healthy relationship, and healthy relationships need to have two separate individuals with time spent without each other. If he wants the relationship to work he needs to spend time with his own interests and social circle (hanging around family, computer, video games, and homework doesn't count).

Also, is this his first girlfriend? One of my closest friends stayed with his first g/f partly because he didn't want to deal with the whole breakup process - and it usually is more difficult with your first significant other. Make sure he knows that life does indeed go on after that first big permanent breakup and that of the people who do have high school sweethearts, most really don't stay with them, let alone marry them, or stay married to them. (I only know of one couple that dated in HS that are still married - only because one doesn't want to pay for legal fees for divorce and the other can't afford it!)

Best of luck to you!

T., I have a ten year old and get to do this junk one more time, sigh. Whatever you do Do Not Bad Mouth Her In Front Of Him or Within His Hearing.
I would limit telephone privelages to 1/2 hour a day. His computer time to 1 hour, or supervised, a day which allows him to get his homework done if he needs the computer to do it. One on one dates with her to one night a week the second date night has to be a group date with at least one other couple or a home date at your home with movies, games, etc., or at her parent's home. If he has a license and a job give him enough time to get to the job and home with about 10 minutes to spare. If you find out he is sneaking time off work to be with her then he has to be driven to work and picked up. The attitude at home thing is easier, he can be polite, do his chores, and improve his attitude or he can't see her for family date night that weekend. This is a time when he needs to be preparing for college and keeping his attitude up. Does your church (you didn't mention one in your lives) have a youth group? If it does have him join the youth group and associate with different people his age. Part of the attitude thing is at the bottom of it all he does believe she is kissing other boys, etc., and not having very many friends his own age, and sex, his whole social world is this girl. He really doesn't have a large group to share his concerns about her with and has to internalize all this pent up emotion. Since he has been seeing her for so long you must have some type of relationship with her parents. Arrange a time for you and your husband to sit down with her parents and talk out your concerns with them, they really may feel the same way. Try to arrange one weekend night a month as a time with his male friends. Arrange to have one or all of them over to your home on the other weekend day to do guy things. And maybe he needs to see a therapist or a councilor to talk to about his fears, concerns, etc. That was one of the things our youth minister did with the kids and it was helpful. They had someone removed from the immediate problems to share with and talk things out with.
We were lucky, my son, thankfully had a solid group of friends. We kind of forced him to play baseball and football when he was young, be involved in the church youth group, and join some after school clubs. He developed several friendships that saw him through the rough times. Then there was JROTC and he made a few new friends there who blended into the core group as well. We had a house full of teenage boys every other weekend. They would come over on Friday nights and leave on Sunday night after dinner. Natuarally they left to go out on dates when they were older but they knew the curfew times. The weekends they weren't at my house they were at Derek's house or at Paul's house and the rules were very similiar about what time you had to be back. If you weren't back by curfew you weren't welcome there for the rest of the weekend and the other adults were informed they hadn't gotten in on time or called and would be coming home. They got grounded and it was hard for them the next weekend not to have the social time with everyone else. He needs to meet more people and broaden his horizons and you need to take a firm hand in directing this. It is never to late to start. Even at his age there are 4H groups he could get involved with, clubs at school he can join, etc.
Telling him he can't see her at all is going to make him more determined to be with her and the lying and sneaking will be worse than the open warfare that is now invading your lives.

T., Good luck... my son is now 18 and we had this problem at about 15-17. We actually went as far as Wilderness and then boarding school for his junior year. He graduated a year early and is back home now and so much better off. The girl in his picture is pregnant and marrying one of my sons previously good friends (they are seniors). It's scary how much a girl can affect them. I don't know if I made the right decisions or not but we can all sit in the family room together as a family and talk, so to me it was worth that year of him being away. Good luck and hope you find what will help with your son.. we did start with counseling and just felt the decisions we made were right for our family.

I don't think there is much you can do at this pojnt. like other have said, he will resent you and maybe even start to do things out of spite. I guess I was considered a handful at 16 and i had less than desirable boyfriends. I know it must have been hard for my parents (looking back on it now of course) but there was nothing that they could have said or done to keep me away from those guys. The best advice I can give you is to always be supportive of him and just help him up when he falls. He will make mistakes. We all do. That is how he will learn and it will help build charactor. Plus I think we need the bad things in life to truly appreciate the good.

Now he does need to respect you and your husband. She does also. If she has a bad attitude, I hope it is not directed at you at all. That is a different story. They need to understand what you expect as far as how you can be talked to and treated in your own home.

Good luck. He will grow out of it. This is why it's important to teach our kids morals and respect at a young age. If he was taught that, then it is there (even if it's deep down inside for now) and he will make the right choices in the end.

PLAN a guys night.....that might be guys & dads.....family, neighbors, friends, etc. It doesn't have to be huge, even 6-8 would be good.

Have you talked w/ this girl's mother and/or parents? Sometimes you get a much better understanding of what's going on and can deal w/ it better if you have the whole picture. I know I did when I taught school. It also helped me handle the child differently when I knew what that background was.

Lastly, you need to have a SERIOUS chat w/ this kid about what he wants in a mate. He needs to be able to LIST these qualities. He needs to be able to list what he can bring to a relationship. Sometimes, you need to see things in front of you before you get it. This is how I FINALLY decided to end an off & on (several years) relationship. As much as I enjoyed the relationship and we had SSSOOO much fun.......each of us had too many issues to work thru to bring into a relationship. As much as we cared about each other, it probably would have destroyed us. Once I SAW the list of +s and -s, it wasn't even an option.

You also need to set some guidelines and "rules" about his dating. He DOES live in your house so he needs to honor those (honor thy father & mother) until he's in college and on his own. i.e. "nasty attituedes will NOT be tolerated" (by ANYONE in the house, including mom & dad) Have a solution as to how you're going to handle and an alternative as to how they COULD have been handled. Talk about how these things effect everyone else. Sometimes people just don't see that. You need to have a converstaion with him and another one with BOTH of them. I hope it's not too late. If you set these standards and ABIDE by them then there are no ?s or grey areas.

You need to talk about how he values himself. Sounds like he might think this is all he deserves. If none of this helps, I'd FORCE them to go to pre-marital counseling. They will set things straight and many times have them do exercises that will end up dividing them permanently as WELL AS a GREAT learning experience.

Anything that you do to try to stop this relationship at this point will be fruitless.
I would suggest that you get the book Five Languages of Love by Chapman. Discover which language is your sons and show him that love for several months. Then you can begin to share with him about what he would like to have in a wife, what he would like to do with his life, etc. This takes time, patience and consistancy.
As your son sees that you are concerned about him and his future and not about his girlfriend, he just may come around on his own.

I know it's hard but try not to interfere. It's only a phase and this to shall pass! Sometimes you have to let your kids bump their head a few times in life. As far as the so called girlfriend situation, she will definitely not be around for long.

i have a 16yr old also, and believe me at this age they think they know everything. u know nothing, they no it all. my son was hanging out to much w/his friends and he had a girlfriend that he would always call his wifey, that use to make me mad OMG super mad. all i told him was u are to young to be thinking about a wifey, there is alot more to life out there not just what is aroung u. i use to tell him i wanted him to see the world and not end up like me or his father. we do okay, but i just use to tell him that i wanted him to want more out of life and i didn't want him to be tied down at an early age. i didn't get in his buisness the way i really wnated to but thank God w/out me medling they broke up. now i have sent him w/my mom to Florida and he is doing great in school, no serious wifey's LOL. he use to want to come back home, now he loves it out there, maybe a change of senerary for him, try and get him involved in stuff. someone needs to take a picture of this girl when she is kissing other boys, so they can show him not tell him. Good Luck!!! i feel ur pain.