34 answers

Teenager and Sex?

Okay, this is a weird question, so dont read it if you dont want to, but i have twin girls who are 18, im a single mom, and this afternoon, i came home and went to one of my girls room, and walked in, and i saw her and her bf having sex. It killed me to see that. i just walked out. They came out was just saying sorry and all that, and her bf said sorry, which i thought was real gentlemen of him, he could if just ran out, but didnt. But i was still in a huge state of shock, and they said they were going to a movie with my other daughter and a friend, and i had no clue how to react, and let them go, I texted my other daughter and asked if katie was with her and she said yea. so i know that. So then i called her pedi and asked about gynecologist appintment, and set one up. But i have no clue what to say when she gets home. I totally droped the ball on this. I talked to her a lot about not having sex till marriage and all that. and shes the shy one of the two, so i was shocked, i thought she thought sex was "gross" still. They live in LA for music stuff, but was home for thanksgiving, they are going back next thusday, and her bf lives in LA too, sooo im just worried. How should i aproach it and not have it totally awkward, I have no clue how to start it, when they walk in just be like "you stay here" ? lol, i have no clue. And dont judge me and say im a bad mom or anything, like i said before, i know i screwed up on this one. All ive said to her since was i texted her and said " not matter what, i still love you" and she said i know, but thats it . so any of you have any advice? thanks!

What can I do next?

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If she's living on her own and supporting herself, she's not just a "teenager" having sex, she's a young woman. You need to be a mom, but also talk to her as a young woman. Be direct and caring - that will go a long way.

7 moms found this helpful

Sorry to say but there is nothing you can do. She is an adult and can make her own choices. She doesn't need an appointment with a pedi she needs to see an OB/GYN to talk about birth control.

5 moms found this helpful

The only reason I would be in shock is to have them doing that in my home while they were visiting.

You say they live in L. A., so not with you. They are legal adults living in a different city...you just didn't think they were sexually active? They are adults after all.

He is probably living with her out there. They are probably already using birth control. A discussion is in order but be cautious. She is grown up now.

2 moms found this helpful

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Um, 18 year olds are usually sexually active and are really into sex. Do you remember being 18? I do! I would love to have some of that drive back! My mother was married when she was 18! Is she living on her own in LA or with her dad or what? If she's on her own -she's on her own. Maybe you should bring up the fact that she needs to be seeing a gynecologist regularly and using birth control and condoms for STD prevention, but other than helpful advice, it's really too late and she's too old for anything else. Ask her if she wants to see your gyno while she's in town and let her know how important yearly checkups are. I have to say, I would be shocked if I had an 18 year old who lived away from home, had a significant other and they WEREN'T having sex!

10 moms found this helpful

Really? You assumed your 18 year old daughter, who lives away from home and has a steady bf, was "L. girl" enough to think of sex as gross? I stopped believing in cooties in Jr high.

If she is having sex, she should be making her OWN Dr appointments and be on bc. Just tell her to respect your home, and not have sex there.

I would have assumed you were talking about a 13-14 yr old, had you not stated her age. Just sayin...

10 moms found this helpful

She was having sex before you found out.
She will continue to have sex, after this.
She has a BF. She will probably have others too.
She needs to have OB/GYN check ups. She needs to be TESTED for STD's and Aids etc.
Keep it factual.
You sit down with her and have an adult conversation.
She is 18.
She does not live with you.
Her life, away, is probably full of stuff, you don't know.
Keep the lines of communication OPEN.... so that... she feels at ease, about coming to you for telling you things, about her life. Or about any problems. Or about anything... that a daughter wants to share with her Mom.
A girl... no matter how old... NEEDS to be able, to communicate with her Mom and commiserate with her.... and to confide in her.
Still, you can have your opinions, and she can have hers. She is independent. Not at home. Has her own life. If she keeps you plugged into her life... have a good heart to heart talk with her... calmly.... so that, she KNOWS you are there for her. Anytime. For anything. That she will not be judged. For even mistakes. All girls... will go through mistakes too. Even we Moms did, too, right?
Guide her.
Which is different from judging her or being critical of her personally.
I know its hard... but TRY... to just talk with her.... neutrally.
No one wants to walk in on their 'child' having sex.
Egad.
But so... continue on with her.... in the way that you want it... and depending on how you want your 'relationship' WITH her, to continue. Now. Presently. At this juncture.
In other words... you would not want to be alienated from her and would want your relationship with her, to be close. Mother and daughter. Not as an estranged, Mother and Daughter.

You are not a bad Mom.
You are a Mom.
She is 18.
They become that age, so quick huh? We don't realize.
I barely even realize, my daughter is a Tween now. She is 9. Gosh.
Just do your best.
She is probably REAL awkward about this, too. And embarrassed.

8 moms found this helpful

Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Your daughter is 18 and lives away from home. When I was 18 I pretty much new the score about birth control and sex.... I think most girls do.
I would just say "you ARE on the pill arent you?" and leave it go, calling her pediatrician when she's 18 just sounds kinda ridiculous to me at this juncture.
I'd be more concerned about the disrespect of having sex in your house witha guy that she doesnt already cohabitate with... or is she living with him?
Daughters DONT tell us everything, and for good reason... Mom's usually go all spaz and give us un-wanted advice.

8 moms found this helpful

I'm not sure what you mean about dropping the ball.
Okay, she's not married and having sex. But, she is 18. She is an adult.

That said, my 25 year old daughter had a baby in May. I am fully aware that she had to have sex to make that happen, but it is not a mental image I want in my head. In that regard, I TOTALLY understand your shock. I feel for you, I really do.

As her mom, I think you should talk to her about whether or not she is on birth control, but making an appointment for her might have been a moot point. She's probably already been there and done that. Hopefully.

You're not a bad mom. Not at all. People, at some point in their lives, become sexually active and it's not like she's 15 and you caught them.
You are entitled to your shock, for sure, but I don't know that you can make her stay with you instead of going back to LA if she's 18 and doing well for herself in other aspects of her life.

I'm a single mom too and I told my daughter no hanky panky in my house. I wasn't bringing males in the house and neither was she. Period.
She had a little brother so the chance of anyone catching her was not an option.

I think you should talk to your daughter calmly.
I also think that it's well within your rights to tell her that she's not having sex at your house from now on. If she's embarrassed, so are you, and there is a very simple way to avoid that in the future.
No sex in your house.
When I was married and we went to stay with my parents or in-laws, we didn't have sex in their homes.
Sometimes a little constraint is in order.
Seriously.

I think you'll be able to get past this. After the shock wears off.

I really do wish you the best.

7 moms found this helpful

If she's living on her own and supporting herself, she's not just a "teenager" having sex, she's a young woman. You need to be a mom, but also talk to her as a young woman. Be direct and caring - that will go a long way.

7 moms found this helpful

You say they live in LA...I am assuming they are out on their own and no longer live with you? There really isn't anything you can say or do at this point...they are both adults and are making choices on their own.
You might attempt to have a discussion with them about birth control and safe sex...because the last thing they (or you!!) need to deal with is an unplanned pregnancy or an STD. You really can't approach this as a parent...you need to approach this as an equal...you must NOT preach at her or she is going to just shut you off and not listen to a word. Have a DISCUSSION...hear her feelings and concerns and share yours with her.

7 moms found this helpful

A shock to the system, Mom, for sure. By the time our kids reach adulthood (and in many juristictions, 18 is adult), they have an amazing capacity to surprise us – showing us who they are as opposed to who we may think they are. You are not the first mom taken by surprise, nor will you be the last.

We really have to depend on training our kids early in our values, because by the time they are teenagers, they will make more and more decisions for themselves. Now that your daughters are living away from home, they are essentially emancipated and making their own choices. For all you know, they may be pretty sound choices. For example, since she's sexually active now, your daughter may have already been checked by a gyno and be on birth control.

So that's where I would start. Don't assume you have a right to intrude on her privacy, but ask her when she gets home whether she has taken steps to care for herself properly and avoid pregnancy. If not, then tell her you feel it's your obligation as her mom to take her for an exam. She will almost certainly wish to talk to the doctor privately, and you should honor that. She may prefer to set up an appointment with a doctor she'll have easier access to when she returns home to LA. You'll probably need to honor that, as well.

Respect your daughter for the person she has become, K., and I think you'll be all right. Within her own value system, she may be behaving in a perfectly acceptable way and respecting herself. At some point, we need to let go and trust that our children are the adults we brought them up to be.

5 moms found this helpful

Sorry to say but there is nothing you can do. She is an adult and can make her own choices. She doesn't need an appointment with a pedi she needs to see an OB/GYN to talk about birth control.

5 moms found this helpful

maybe sit with her and tall her that you hope she is using condoms and being safe mention that you think she should see a gyno if she isnt already. but you have to let it be her choice dont force her. i think they were in shock to be caught just as you were for finding them. she is a legal adult as and there isnt much you can do about it. it sounds as if they are living on their own so they probably have been having sex for a while now. good luck and just breath ok. i can say myself with a 4 year old girl that i dread the teen years lol

5 moms found this helpful

They are 18 and living on their own in LA. I think you handled this perfectly. Except for maybe making an appointment with a gyn. I suggest that you need to talk with your daughter about an appointment. She may already have a doctor in LA.

I would talk with her about birth control. It's essential that she's using an effective method.

You start it by telling her you'd like to talk together about what is happening. Express your love and concern. Tell her why you're worried. Listen to her as she talks about her relationship with her boyfriend. I suggest that having a good relationship is even more important than whether or not she's having sex.

You have not screwed up. You just have the next step to take. Talking with your daughter while having a loving, caring attitude.

5 moms found this helpful

So your 18-year old daughters are living in LA and you are shocked that one of them is actually having sex? Technically,she is an adult and has the right to make those decisions on her own now. Now, it is reasonable to expect that this does not happen in your home. Other than making sure that she is protected from pregnancy and STDs, then I am not sure what else you can do...

5 moms found this helpful

If you have not already had this conversation before sending her off into the world then you are behind. I would make sure protection (all forms) are in play and make sure she understands that you would rather she not do it in your home. She is an adult now and other than the emberassment of being walked in on nothing needs to be said in regards to "teaching" her about sex, you should have done that years ago, oh and not just "don't have it" either.

5 moms found this helpful

well to be honest she is 18....that makes her an adult. you can tell her she cant under your roof but thats about it. once she goes back to LA you really have no control over what she does. you havent screwed up. she made an adult choice.

5 moms found this helpful

Imagine the one time you and your SO got 'caught' by the kids... oh what, it's never happened? Well it will, eventually ;) Point is, no amount of 'eye bleach' will correct what you've seen. 'That has been seen, cannot be unseen' ;)

The girls are 18... they're legal adults. CONGRATS on a job well done mom! If they waited that long, I'd be patting myself on the back if I were you.

Kids these days, OMG, it makes me cringe as to how young they are when they start having sex. You've heard the term 'don't ask, don't tell' ? This applies to 'kids' having sex. As long as you've taught them to use protection and not to be promiscuous, then bravo, job well done.

Don't treat her any differently, this was bound to happen eventually. In regards to sex before marriage, I call it 'the test drive' ;)

4 moms found this helpful

Don't feel bad. If she lives in LA, and so does her boyfriend, and she's 18, then really, it would be sort of impossible for them not to be having sex. She is an adult, and even if they have only been having sex for a year or two or however long... she waited longer than most! Part of your "betrayal" is because you gave her the "wait until marriage" talk and she seemed to be on board. But honestly, being a good person is what counts. Dont' take it personally or anything. This is her boyfriend, not some drunk one night stand, and what if she doesn't get married until age 31? (like me) "Marriage" is a bit unrealistic, to be honest. You just want her to have self respect and caution. Don't say much about it. You know it, now don't alienate her by acting as if it has been some earth shattering thing. Tell her you love her, you want her to be safe, you know she's a good woman, and support her...and that's pretty much it. I left home at 17 and my mom was not involved in my Dr appointments. She's old enough to go on those alone, but your being supportive is great. Don't worry, mom. Your daughter is healthy and good, and so are you. If you're worried about her safety and diseases, tell her that in a loving way, but her life is her own. I know it must be hard. My oldest daughter is 5. And I plan on keeping it that way... Somehow....sniffle

4 moms found this helpful

You didn't drop the ball mom. SHe is an adult. She is 18. She doesn't live at home with you.
It's hard to think about our children becoming adults, but that's what happened! I think that if you were to talk to her about anything it would be talking about keeping herself safe. Using condoms and birth control. She's already having sex so I highly doubt she is going to stop.
Chin up mom. You did just fine.
Laura

4 moms found this helpful

Just be open and honest with her about how you feel. She needs to know the consequences physically, emotionally and mentally of promiscuity. Other than that, she will make her own decisions. Just be there for her. It's too late to do anything else really because she's on her own and making her own decisions. I'd also be sure to say not to ever do that in your home again unless they're married. I wish you the best.

3 moms found this helpful

Just because the government has decided "18" is an adult doesn't mean they are! I too would have made a Dr appointment although it is time to take her to a big girl Dr. Do NOT assume she is practicing safe sex. And encourage her to get the 3 month shot or something a bit easier than the pill.

These are things I would talk to her about:
*no sex in my home
*I'm not ready to be a Grandma, so learn your body & use BC
*Have a Dr talk to her about STD's & safe sex & BC
*The risks of multiple partners over time

I have a 21 yr old daughter who is away at college. I have also talked to her about the religious part of sex & how it's best to wait, but I am also not naive. I just remind her that having a lot of partners isn't what she will want for her future.

I also let her know that she should have some self worth & not jump in bed with every guy she meets. I also let her know that a lot of men actually have less respect for woman that are 'easy'. I have known several male friends that would never take a relationship seriously if the girl put out to early in the relationship. I remind her of the old saying "why buy the cow when you are getting the milk free". I am sure this is a big reason for men proposing to woman.

You are not to blame for your daughters sex life. Just tell her what you think is important for her to know & let her use that info as she pleases.

3 moms found this helpful

K.,

No matter what you say to your kids, when they turn 18, they are an adult. She is able to make her own decisions. You didn't drop the ball--you gave her the information and made sure she was aware of how you felt. Thats all you can do---You can set boundaries from now on that they can't do that in your home etc. But she's not a baby anymore. I would talk with both of them and tell them how you feel and what you need from them. Best wishes and don't beat yourself up about it~!

M

3 moms found this helpful

The only reason I would be in shock is to have them doing that in my home while they were visiting.

You say they live in L. A., so not with you. They are legal adults living in a different city...you just didn't think they were sexually active? They are adults after all.

He is probably living with her out there. They are probably already using birth control. A discussion is in order but be cautious. She is grown up now.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with KansasMom's advice.....and I think you need to decide what you allow and not allow in your house. Alcohol, sex with boyfriends, etc. and be upfront with BOTH of your girls. Have a frank discussion and then they can decide how long to stay, where to stay.... When they come home, everyone's on the same page. Good Luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Manda F. - first of all ,it sounds real. as a parent, you dont ever want to think that your kids are having sex. So that fact that K. said she droped the ball and is asking for advice, i think is great, your not in the spot to be saying its "fake" or "unreal"

K., you did everything right so far, you called the pedi and asked for gynecologist, and set up an appointment, i would maybe ask her if she wanted to have one in LA or just make it regular thing like "everytime i come home for thanksgiving, i go the gyno" which is fine, she might want you there for support, but idk her, so just ask her. Also for the gyno why no have the other go to? I mean if she is 18 then its about time, and im sure it might realive your other girl so she isnt thinking its like a punishment. And just like you said. when they get home, just be like "katie stay back" she is old enough to sit down over hot tea or something and have a talk. You know what you want to say, and just say " i was shocked when i saw that, but i should of known that you might be involved in this type of behavior" also tell her you appreciated that fact the her bf talked to you, she needs to know that good things in the very awkward situation. Also i just wanted to say that i think it was a great idea to text the girls. You texted one to make sure your other daughter was safe and sound and doing well, and you texted the other to make sure she knows that 1) yes, we have a conversation when you get home. and 2) she couldnt do anything bad enough to make you not love her.
In all honesty, I think your doing a great job, i respect you, and your daughters are lucky to have you!

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

no you didnt drop the ball, your daughter mislead you about how "shy" she really is. before you hit the delete key, think about it, and take your daughter into the doctor and get her checked for EVERYTHING from pregnancy to VD.she might be 18, but she is living with you, therefore, it is your right to know what is going on in your house, you pay the bills , right ? then you have the right to know. chances are good, her boyfriend will run screaming for the hills if and when she turns up pregnant, which leaves YOU where, exactly ?? it would leaving you holding the hand of a heart broken pregnant teenager, not a pretty picture.
K. h.

1 mom found this helpful

So, she's 18, doesn't live at home, has a boyfriend and is sexually active. This all sounds rather normal to me. The only discussion that I would have with her at this point is suggesting that if she's not on birth control to get on it AND that you absolutely require her to respect your home and NOT have sex in your home until she brings home a husband.

1 mom found this helpful

She's 18, so it's really her decision. All you can (or should, IMO) do at this point is remind them to please practice safe sex and see if she wants to get on the pill if she isn't already.

1 mom found this helpful

I would be in shock as well but for now you just need to be the mom, put your big girl pants on and sit her down and tell her that you want to take her to the OB and get her on the pill. She is going to have sex anyway. The fact that she doesn't live with you doesn't really leave you much room to say anything. You just need to tell her that you want to make sure she is educated on sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy and that you hope that no matter what she decides to do with her body that she makes sure men respect her and that she is careful about disease and that she does NOT get pregnant before marriage. Other than that you need to tell her that you would appreciate it if she does not have sex in your home. That is disrespectful to you as her parent. geeze, good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I think it's a little sad and interesting that everyone is telling you that there is nothing you can do about it. While it's technically true that you can't force her to stop, or stop seeing him etc since she is an adult, you are still her mother and do have an influence over her.
You are well within your rights to talk to her about it. Just have a calm heart to heart with her. I'm assuming you have a fairly close relationship. Tell her what you think about it and why. Since you did tell her to wait for marriage, ask her how she feels and or felt about your advice. And if it's something she agreed with, why the change etc.
If it's religious convictions, then see where she stands on those too. I was taught my entire life to wait until marriage, and knew and understood the importance of it, but when you're dating someone it's HARD to wait! So, if she didn't have a lifetime of principle behind her, then I can see why she may have given in. Maybe it's something she was pressured into, or maybe it just happened and she doesn't know how to stop it...that happened to someone I know.
So, you don't have to just idly sit by and say "good for you honey."
Good luck!

Your daughter is 18 and an adult. I suggest you sit her down and talk to her about safe sex, regular OBGYN checkups, and make sure she knows she can talk to you.

You just say, "ok, so you are a big girl in more ways then a mother ever really wants to see. Obviously you aren't going to stop having sex, so we are going to make sure you don't get pregnant and don't get any diseases. There are rules for you now as well, you have to be safe so you always are to use a condom. You never have sex with strangers. You never have sex on a first date. Etc."

She and you can not undo the past, and once you start you don't stop having sex, so prepare her for the life she has and the future that will be. Make her safe and secure and happy.

Don't beat yourself up. Being a parent is on the job training! I'm sure you have lots of good advice here, so I won't add any other than to cut yourself some slack. :)

I can't blame you for finding it difficult to process that immediately! I have a bit of a different feel to this then some moms. While, yes of course, she is 18, and has the right, and IS clearly having sex with her boyfriend, I still think it is wise for you to talk with her about not only the birth control and std's aspect of it, but the emotional aspect as well. I would encourage her to be choosy about who she hops into bed with, not allow herself to be pressured into anything, and develop her sense of self-esteem and self-respect. Especially if she is the shy type. She may not be mature enough yet to realize what a powerful tonic sex can be, and it should not be taken lightly. And while I think she should insist on condom use for std prevention, I would not rely on that for birth control at this point. Especially if she's the shy type. (Can you tell I was once the shy type?)

I'm probably saying the same thing as others before, but haven't read all the posts. She is 18 and having consensual sex with her boyfriend. As much as you may have wished she waited until marriage, it's pretty unusual these days for people to actually do that and what she's doing is legal. I do think you can make the rule that they can't do it in your home, but other than that, you really can't (and shouldn't) tell her to stop.

What you can, and should, do is teach her to be responsible. As you've already thought about, take her to the gyno ASAP. Discuss birth control options and make sure she chooses the one that is going to work best for her. Talk about STDs and pregnancy, as well as myths. Make sure she knows there is NO safe time of the month and she must never have unprotected sex.

The most important thing you can do is stay calm and open minded and teach her to be responsible.

I'm assuming that during her adolescent years, you had discussions about sex, safe sex, disease and pregnancy. She is a legal adult and does not live at home. She is not a high school girl. At 18, you cannot make doctor appointments or speak with her medical caregivers, or should I say, they cannot speak with you. If you've already educated her on sex and birth control, there is nothing for you to do. She's an adult who is having a sexual relationship. You might prefer that she wait for marriage, but she is not required to do that. We all get to make our own choices. This isn't new for this generation! I have a 16 year old, I am 44 and there were plenty having sex in high school. My mother would have been 79 now, and she had protected sex with my father before they married in the early 1950's. At 18, and living on her own, it's time for independence and privacy, she is not required to discuss her sex life with you.
Now, the fact that they were having sex in your home is a bad idea, but if you just walk into your 18 year old daughters' rooms without knocking, mom, you have some boundary issues. By puberty, kids should have some basic privacy and not have mom or dad walking into their rooms at any time. It sounds like it is a shock to you that your daughter has grown up. If your sole focus of discussing sex was to tell her to wait til marriage, then you've done her a disservice. Right now, it's time to teach her to be responsible for herself and to set up her own GYN or midwife appointment.

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