34 answers

Teenager and Sex?

Okay, this is a weird question, so dont read it if you dont want to, but i have twin girls who are 18, im a single mom, and this afternoon, i came home and went to one of my girls room, and walked in, and i saw her and her bf having sex. It killed me to see that. i just walked out. They came out was just saying sorry and all that, and her bf said sorry, which i thought was real gentlemen of him, he could if just ran out, but didnt. But i was still in a huge state of shock, and they said they were going to a movie with my other daughter and a friend, and i had no clue how to react, and let them go, I texted my other daughter and asked if katie was with her and she said yea. so i know that. So then i called her pedi and asked about gynecologist appintment, and set one up. But i have no clue what to say when she gets home. I totally droped the ball on this. I talked to her a lot about not having sex till marriage and all that. and shes the shy one of the two, so i was shocked, i thought she thought sex was "gross" still. They live in LA for music stuff, but was home for thanksgiving, they are going back next thusday, and her bf lives in LA too, sooo im just worried. How should i aproach it and not have it totally awkward, I have no clue how to start it, when they walk in just be like "you stay here" ? lol, i have no clue. And dont judge me and say im a bad mom or anything, like i said before, i know i screwed up on this one. All ive said to her since was i texted her and said " not matter what, i still love you" and she said i know, but thats it . so any of you have any advice? thanks!

What can I do next?

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If she's living on her own and supporting herself, she's not just a "teenager" having sex, she's a young woman. You need to be a mom, but also talk to her as a young woman. Be direct and caring - that will go a long way.

7 moms found this helpful

Sorry to say but there is nothing you can do. She is an adult and can make her own choices. She doesn't need an appointment with a pedi she needs to see an OB/GYN to talk about birth control.

5 moms found this helpful

The only reason I would be in shock is to have them doing that in my home while they were visiting.

You say they live in L. A., so not with you. They are legal adults living in a different city...you just didn't think they were sexually active? They are adults after all.

He is probably living with her out there. They are probably already using birth control. A discussion is in order but be cautious. She is grown up now.

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Um, 18 year olds are usually sexually active and are really into sex. Do you remember being 18? I do! I would love to have some of that drive back! My mother was married when she was 18! Is she living on her own in LA or with her dad or what? If she's on her own -she's on her own. Maybe you should bring up the fact that she needs to be seeing a gynecologist regularly and using birth control and condoms for STD prevention, but other than helpful advice, it's really too late and she's too old for anything else. Ask her if she wants to see your gyno while she's in town and let her know how important yearly checkups are. I have to say, I would be shocked if I had an 18 year old who lived away from home, had a significant other and they WEREN'T having sex!

10 moms found this helpful

Really? You assumed your 18 year old daughter, who lives away from home and has a steady bf, was "L. girl" enough to think of sex as gross? I stopped believing in cooties in Jr high.

If she is having sex, she should be making her OWN Dr appointments and be on bc. Just tell her to respect your home, and not have sex there.

I would have assumed you were talking about a 13-14 yr old, had you not stated her age. Just sayin...

10 moms found this helpful

She was having sex before you found out.
She will continue to have sex, after this.
She has a BF. She will probably have others too.
She needs to have OB/GYN check ups. She needs to be TESTED for STD's and Aids etc.
Keep it factual.
You sit down with her and have an adult conversation.
She is 18.
She does not live with you.
Her life, away, is probably full of stuff, you don't know.
Keep the lines of communication OPEN.... so that... she feels at ease, about coming to you for telling you things, about her life. Or about any problems. Or about anything... that a daughter wants to share with her Mom.
A girl... no matter how old... NEEDS to be able, to communicate with her Mom and commiserate with her.... and to confide in her.
Still, you can have your opinions, and she can have hers. She is independent. Not at home. Has her own life. If she keeps you plugged into her life... have a good heart to heart talk with her... calmly.... so that, she KNOWS you are there for her. Anytime. For anything. That she will not be judged. For even mistakes. All girls... will go through mistakes too. Even we Moms did, too, right?
Guide her.
Which is different from judging her or being critical of her personally.
I know its hard... but TRY... to just talk with her.... neutrally.
No one wants to walk in on their 'child' having sex.
Egad.
But so... continue on with her.... in the way that you want it... and depending on how you want your 'relationship' WITH her, to continue. Now. Presently. At this juncture.
In other words... you would not want to be alienated from her and would want your relationship with her, to be close. Mother and daughter. Not as an estranged, Mother and Daughter.

You are not a bad Mom.
You are a Mom.
She is 18.
They become that age, so quick huh? We don't realize.
I barely even realize, my daughter is a Tween now. She is 9. Gosh.
Just do your best.
She is probably REAL awkward about this, too. And embarrassed.

8 moms found this helpful

Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Your daughter is 18 and lives away from home. When I was 18 I pretty much new the score about birth control and sex.... I think most girls do.
I would just say "you ARE on the pill arent you?" and leave it go, calling her pediatrician when she's 18 just sounds kinda ridiculous to me at this juncture.
I'd be more concerned about the disrespect of having sex in your house witha guy that she doesnt already cohabitate with... or is she living with him?
Daughters DONT tell us everything, and for good reason... Mom's usually go all spaz and give us un-wanted advice.

8 moms found this helpful

I'm not sure what you mean about dropping the ball.
Okay, she's not married and having sex. But, she is 18. She is an adult.

That said, my 25 year old daughter had a baby in May. I am fully aware that she had to have sex to make that happen, but it is not a mental image I want in my head. In that regard, I TOTALLY understand your shock. I feel for you, I really do.

As her mom, I think you should talk to her about whether or not she is on birth control, but making an appointment for her might have been a moot point. She's probably already been there and done that. Hopefully.

You're not a bad mom. Not at all. People, at some point in their lives, become sexually active and it's not like she's 15 and you caught them.
You are entitled to your shock, for sure, but I don't know that you can make her stay with you instead of going back to LA if she's 18 and doing well for herself in other aspects of her life.

I'm a single mom too and I told my daughter no hanky panky in my house. I wasn't bringing males in the house and neither was she. Period.
She had a little brother so the chance of anyone catching her was not an option.

I think you should talk to your daughter calmly.
I also think that it's well within your rights to tell her that she's not having sex at your house from now on. If she's embarrassed, so are you, and there is a very simple way to avoid that in the future.
No sex in your house.
When I was married and we went to stay with my parents or in-laws, we didn't have sex in their homes.
Sometimes a little constraint is in order.
Seriously.

I think you'll be able to get past this. After the shock wears off.

I really do wish you the best.

7 moms found this helpful

If she's living on her own and supporting herself, she's not just a "teenager" having sex, she's a young woman. You need to be a mom, but also talk to her as a young woman. Be direct and caring - that will go a long way.

7 moms found this helpful

You say they live in LA...I am assuming they are out on their own and no longer live with you? There really isn't anything you can say or do at this point...they are both adults and are making choices on their own.
You might attempt to have a discussion with them about birth control and safe sex...because the last thing they (or you!!) need to deal with is an unplanned pregnancy or an STD. You really can't approach this as a parent...you need to approach this as an equal...you must NOT preach at her or she is going to just shut you off and not listen to a word. Have a DISCUSSION...hear her feelings and concerns and share yours with her.

7 moms found this helpful

A shock to the system, Mom, for sure. By the time our kids reach adulthood (and in many juristictions, 18 is adult), they have an amazing capacity to surprise us – showing us who they are as opposed to who we may think they are. You are not the first mom taken by surprise, nor will you be the last.

We really have to depend on training our kids early in our values, because by the time they are teenagers, they will make more and more decisions for themselves. Now that your daughters are living away from home, they are essentially emancipated and making their own choices. For all you know, they may be pretty sound choices. For example, since she's sexually active now, your daughter may have already been checked by a gyno and be on birth control.

So that's where I would start. Don't assume you have a right to intrude on her privacy, but ask her when she gets home whether she has taken steps to care for herself properly and avoid pregnancy. If not, then tell her you feel it's your obligation as her mom to take her for an exam. She will almost certainly wish to talk to the doctor privately, and you should honor that. She may prefer to set up an appointment with a doctor she'll have easier access to when she returns home to LA. You'll probably need to honor that, as well.

Respect your daughter for the person she has become, K., and I think you'll be all right. Within her own value system, she may be behaving in a perfectly acceptable way and respecting herself. At some point, we need to let go and trust that our children are the adults we brought them up to be.

5 moms found this helpful

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