26 answers

Teenage Step Daughters Wont Accept Me as Their Father New Wife in Their Lives

My husband has two daughter from a previous marriage age 12 & 13 whom refuse to interact with me/ accept our new son we now have together. I was advised this was normal for teenagers to rebel against their parents new mate. Last week my husband was leaving to spend the day with them and when i wanted to go wth him he refused to let me go with him to pick his girls up & stated that i was now beginning to interfere with his relationship with his daughters. My question is do you think the girls will ever accept me into their lives?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

well sunday afternoon my hubby decided to spend the day with his daughters so i decided to get dressed and join him which made him frustrated so he decided to move out stating i left no choice but to make a choice between me and his kids so he choose to move in with his parents

More Answers

Your husband has the responsibility of bridging that gap, he has to allow the girls to understand that accepting you as his wife has to happen while it may take time, they have to put forth the effort and show you respect. Teenagers will get away with only what we allow them to, even though they push us as parents we have to continue to show them the way that they must go.......

I wanted to add the the hubby has to spend some one on one time with the girls but while he is doing so he needs to be pounding the fact that you are his wife and you are not going anywhere.

3 moms found this helpful

My Father remarried when I was about 15 and my sister 17. Our Mother was deceased so the dynamic was a little different - but I remember not really liking my stepmom. Partially b'c we had been on our own with Dad for a few years, and thought we were doing quite nicely on our own, and partially because we really didn't know her, much less feel that she should have a say so in our lives.

And she tried - really she did, but we were teens with much independence and responsibility - and while we all settled in, we never were very close to our Stepmom.

My suggestion is to not try to hard - teens can sense when you are desperate and they know if they are causing trouble between you and your hubby. And they may very well try to do so. They have a very proprietorial feeling for their Dad - he was theirs first, compounded by Dad having a "new" family with the addition of your baby, adds some jealously and insecurity into the mix.

So go ahead and take a step back. Let your hubby pick them out and spend some time alone with them - they need that. When you are all together don't hover and force conversation with them, and don't correct them right now. Let it grow and develop, let everyone settle in.

It may take some time. I really didn't connect with my Stepmom until I was an adult and had my son. She turned out to be very supportive of my single Mom status (cricky, I was 30, so really LOL).

Hopefully, you will not have to wait that long. But I was a stubborn girl and resisted her through my teens or I would have known better sooner.

Good Luck
God Bless

3 moms found this helpful

Probably not but anything is possible. My older daughter joked to her therapist when asked if she hates Troy. She said I want to hate him but dammit there isn't anything to hate. She was joking about wanting to hate him.

That is the thing, there is this stereotype that you must hate step parents. Some kids buy into it, others don't. Mine didn't.

Another problem you have is you had a child. I have very secure children but I know very well if Troy and I had a kid they would find insecurity very quickly. Regardless of what you think you do treat your own kids differently than a step child. It is not a conscious thing.

I had considered having a child with Troy because he has no kids. The problem is he would treat the new child differently and I would get all mama against my husband. It would not surprise me if your husband isn't doing the same thing. Protecting his daughters against your partial treatment of the new baby. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you all human.

If I haven't already made you mad may I advise? You need to talk to your husband without accusing words. Things like I feel like your daughters may feel left out with the baby. Things like that. Oh for gods sake do not make the girls babysit. That is trying for biological children (mine were 9 years apart) for step kids I can assure you watching the baby is not viewed as a privilege! It screams Cinderella.

I hate therapy being my go to suggestion but finding someone who specializes in this dynamic would help you guys a lot.

3 moms found this helpful

Blending families is very difficult, especially with teenaged kids.
My step son hated me and resented me. He was 13. He acted like I was to blame for his parents divorce even though they had been divorced 12 years when I came along. He never even remembered his parents being married.
Things got better when I told him that I didn't want to be his mother because he had one and he loved her very much as he should. I would never try to replace her.
I also let my husband have plenty of time with his kids one on one. The oldest son really liked me and was no problem, but the youngest was a different story. Just because I was now the wife, it didn't mean that things they had enjoyed doing together, just the guys, had to change.
We did family things, but I knew that the boys needed time with just their dad. Even after my husband and I had a baby together. A new wife and new baby did not replace them. They needed reassurance of that.
My husband and I eventually divorced, but let me tell you, those boys adore my son. They came to fully accept and love their little brother. He's 16 now and they are in their 30's with wives of their own and they are very close.
Give it time.
Blending families is no bed of roses. Let him have time with his girls. Let him talk to them about accepting the new family situation. It doesn't happen over night.

Hang in there and best wishes.

3 moms found this helpful

Try to look at the situation from the point of view of your step children. The are stuck in the middle. They need to leave their home, and friends to go be with you and their dad. In addition to having to share dad with you, they now have to share it with a baby.

There's a chance that they will never accept you, and there's also a chance that someday you may be very close. Only time will tell.

As far as hubby not wanting you to go with to pick up the girls, remember they need their time with dad.

3 moms found this helpful

I think you'll have a better chance if you take a backseat approach. You are the new wife, but it doesn't make you a mother to them (not suggesting you think you are). But sometimes step-parents can get confused and think that they deserve to be in the parental role, and if they want to ruin things, then that's a great way to do it.

I would suggest approaching your relationship with them very carefully. Leave disciplining to your husband, unless it has to do with you or your child. As in, if they are doing something to your child you don't like, you definitely should speak up since you would to anyone else.

But, be prepared for a lot of emotions from them. I don't know the situation of their mother, but remarriages are difficult and they might want to take it out on you. I would suggest being patient with that...no matter how unfair or difficult it is to you. If you really want a relationship with them, you'll NEED to be patient and give it time in order for your relationship to grow. And, you'll need to approach them as a friend more than a parent (not suggesting you act like you are 12-13 yrs old!)) Maybe more approach it like you're their aunt.

My dad left when I was an older teen. My mom remarried about a year later. She had it in her mind that since he was her new husband that somehow he was our new dad. It doesn't work that way. Sure, our dad was gone for good, but he was still our dad. Step-dad approached things almost as wrong as he could. Everything revolved around him. My mom went with it for the sake of the marriage. He ended up kicking me out, my younger sister moved out right as she turned 18. And my next sister was kicked out at 17. The ironic thing is he was supposedly a child counselor, but yet, he never practiced anything he claimed to know. To sum it up well, he was an "evil step-father" in our view, and he ruined so much of our family.

I guarantee that if he had taken it slow, not tried to force the father thing, and not blamed everything on us (when most of it was truly his fault), things would have gone better. He wanted to be called Dad, and if I didn't, he would act all hurt and dejected. I didn't know this man! He wasn't my dad. So, I didn't call him anything. If I had to talk to him, I would walk over to him and start speaking, calling him nothing specific. So, don't ever do that;-)

I'm not personally a fan of remarriages. I've only shared the tip of the ice burg here, but what we went through was awful and nightmarish. It took me a LONG time to work through the harm done then and move along. Due to what I've gone through, I can almost guarantee I will never get remarried should my hubby die or if we got divorced. I have kids now and they are my priority. I never want to chance them going through anything like I did...then again, I wouldn't make the same mistakes my mom did since I have experienced it from a child' point-of-view and she never did.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have married him or that everyone should choose what I'm choosing...just suggesting that remarriages are very difficult.

Your husband is right to keep some things just with him and them. That is very important. I haven't read other responses yet, but DO NOT INTERFERE in everything. They NEED to have time ONLY with their dad. You are his wife, not their mom, and they need time with only him. My mom stopped doing that. In fact, she backed off so much that we felt like we had no mom. She was almost a puppet for the man she married. He had say in everything and didn't have the natural love for us that a parent has, so it was pretty awful at times. I can't tell you how badly I wished my mom would have been there for us and made us a priority to her. After my dad left, she did an AMAZING job. Then she got remarried...and we suddenly meant very little to her.

So, anyway, approach it slowly. Be understanding of their attitudes. I would suggest ignoring them and showing them love no matter what. Sure, some might say that it's allowing their misbehavior, but I can guarantee that if you get on them about it and fight back, you're only setting yourself up for a complete downfall and no growth of relationship. Just start slow and ask each girl about themselves and about things they like. Show them love by being interested in THEM. My step-dad was only interested in himself and seemed to care less about us.

Okay, enough from me. I probably wrote way too much. I've been having a resurge of emotions about it all because he recently divorced my mom because he was having an affair with a girl that had finally turned 18 (when she was 17 he was involved too!). She's now living with him and they want to get married. He's 58 years old, and she's 18. I think that's gross. I've lost any respect for him that I developed over the years (especially because he has really mistreated my mom!).

Good luck to you...

3 moms found this helpful

You've gotten some good advice. I just wanted to let you know that you should not be offended that he didn't want you along, although I know it hurts. It's probably best that he spend some alone time with them if they are having trouble accepting you. Probably they are worried that you are "stealing" their dad away, so some alone time is good reassurance that it's not the case. He should not have said you are "interfering" with his relationship--how rude! I do know my husband also had issues when I came along, he believed that his one-on-one relationship with his daughter was being ruined by having me along as they had their own little world together for so long (4 years). At first he wanted to do things alone with his daughter without me along and he was as rude and as vehiment as yours is! I was hurt, just like you.

But then, I just let them do it and I stopped complaining. Now they ASK me to go along and they hardly ever do things alone, just the two of them. Now it's the three of us, and they both think it's "not as fun" without me along. I know a few times he took her places (like once they went to a county fair) without me (and I didn't say a word and wished them fun!) and they came home a bit dejected and said "we saw some things you would have liked...we wish you would have been there." (I was not invited, remember).

So, give it time and try not to take things too personally. Everyone is trying to adapt here. I think the more you pull back in this situation (without accepting disrespect) the better it will turn out. Step-parenting is a dance...step UP, step BACK. Step UP, step BACK. This is one of those step back instances...but it may turn into a step up instance in the future!

Hang in there!

2 moms found this helpful

I didn't read every response but the ones that I did read. .. wow. . . off base. Your husband, while we all can understand the stress he is under with having two daughters whom he loves be so nasty, needs to grow a set. Of course he needs to have alone-time with his girls but he also needs to let THEM know that the they WILL treat you with dignity and respect. I'm guessing their mother is probably trash talking you. Did he leave her for you? If so, you may never be able to have a good relationship with them. Still, they must treat you decently and act like civil human beings when with you. For him to blame this problem on you by saying that you were interfering with his relationship with his daughters. . . wow, find a counselor quickly. It will really help his relationship with YOU.

2 moms found this helpful

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