Teenage Son May Be Sneeking Out Window

Dear B.,
once my cousins and I also sneaked out of our Summer house's windows to meet up with our friends on the beach after hours. It was an innocent crime, there were some other kids of our age smoking cigarettes but mostly we just liked to be together late at night, it gave us that sense of prohibition.
If you know your son enough to be sure he is not the one drinking, he is not the one smoking etc...then I would just casually let him know that you know what's going on without being so direct. Example: during breakfast one day casually mention how proud you are of him for his grades or beacuse he is a person that thinks with his own head and would never fall under the pressure of kids that don't have the luck of a loving family giving them direction in life. Let him know that you are glad he is a wholesome little man. He will feel bad to contradict the image that you are projecting of himself by doing stupid things, like lying. And hopefully he will correct his direction. Or at least not jumping from the bridge with the others (if you know what I mean). It always worked with me, I hope it'll work out for him too.

1 mom found this helpful

Set your alarm. Your husband can deal with the interruption for a couple of nights. I would think he would like to know what is going on, as well. Perhaps, you could look into getting a home security system. You and your husband could be the only ones with the code.

I have been dealing with the EXACT same thing!!!! My son also told me the screen fell off! Drives me crazy! I have busted my son a few times and I believe he is still going out the window!! I don't know what else to do either! I am completely on the other side of the house and sleep like a rock and never hear a thing! AGH! I know what you're going through! It worrys me too that he could be having others come in our hose too! I have 3 other kids to worry about!

I can't tell you what the correct thing to do is. I have a 2 year old son so i don't have to worry about that yet, but remember what it was like when you were that age. Is your parenting style strict? When I was 15 and 16 I started sneaking out of the house because I felt like my parents cerfew of 11pm on weekends was stupid honestly. Now that I look at it I guess it was an okay time, but I liked to dance (at teen clubs-no alcohol) and they didn't even get started until 10 or 10:30 so I felt very restricted by my parents. I snuck out several times to go dancing - nothing bad going on at all. When I was 16 I started sneaking out to meet a guy. He was a year older and worked until 2am at a fast food restaurant. So, we'd work it where I'd sneak out to his car which he parked a little up the street. We'd go park and just make out. There was no sex involved, but I guess there could have been. Either way, my parents never found out - or they never let me know that they did and I just stopped on my own. Granted, I grew up southern baptist and had some morals and there were things personally I wouldn't do. Others might be wilder. I wouldn't be hard on your son. That might just make him more rebellious. I'd ask him why he's doing it. Let him know that you are willing to talk about it and maybe come up with something that would keep him happy and safe as well as satisfied with what he's allowed to do. I don't know if this helps, but I thought i'd share.

Put an alarm on his window or through out your entire house!! Who cares who it wakes up, your son is being disrespectful if he is sneaking out or sneaking friends in or what not. Or set your alarm clock for different times of night to check to see if he is in bed or doing something else he shouldn't be. I used to pull stuff like this over on my mom. I had a friend that was the 'rotten apple' and she always was the one to encourage me to do stuipd things. I never did half the stuff she did or she wanted me to but we put ourselves into what could have been some very bad situations being young girls!! That was 15+ yrs ago so I can only imagine what teens are doing this day and age!! Your hubby needs to be on the same page as you with this. Doesn't matter if he works or not, he is the other parent and he needs to play his part 24/7!

What you both should do is sit your son down and tell him your what you think is going on. He's your child so you should be able to know if he is lying to your or not. If you believe he isn't telling the truth about what he is doing, make sure you tell him what will happen (a very steep punishment, he wants to act like an adult, he needs to have a punishment for one) when he is caught and make sure you as parents follow through with it because you will one day catch him. This will tell him up front that you aren't playing around and care more about his safety and well being then what his friends think or do!

Good luck!
S.
www.shariegraf.scent-team.com

Maybe you could stay up late and see...if he is sneeking out he proabley waits right after you go to bed...I have a little sister that would do that and all it took was one time staying up a little later and she got caught! Just act like you are going to bed and keep a eye and ear open and you just might found you answer.

This really is very serious. He's playing you and lying to you. I know that sounds harsh but it's just the reality. You've got to be tough and do whatever it takes to get to the bottom of what is really happening. You have enough proof to take action, but you're right in that catching him in the act will make things easier on your end. We parents have got to stop taking the "not my kid" perspective and realize that all of our kids are at risk in our toxic society. He's broken your trust and it's his job to earn it back. It's not simply owed to him. You've also got to think about the example to your younger child. Dealing with your teenager in a clear, consistent and straightforward way will help you when your next child gets older. Have you seen the news story about the mom who sold her son's car because he didn't follow the standards she set? Here's a link: http://www.foxnews.com/printer_friendly_story/0,3566,3212...
If the link doesn't work, just do a search for "meanest mom on planet Jane Hambleton." I do hope you can get to the bottom of things and help him make good choices. You can do it! And there's no reason you can't do any of this in a loving, controlled, reasonable way. People seem to think that being clear and consistent and un-wimpy with your kids means you can't be supportive and loving. I think the exact opposite is true. Being tough doesn't equal being mean. It's really a selfless act of love and doesn't have to done in a mean or loud or fussy way. Again, you can do it!

Hi B.,
I agree with Silvia. You know your son, talk to him. When I was a teen I snuck out. I didnt smoke or drink or anything crazy, but my friends did. Some even used drugs. Not meaning to scare you. My friends and I met up, one of us could drive and we would go somewhere or had parents that werent as strick and went to thier house. Not really doing anything. I too had to leave the door unlocked to get back in because the window was too high. The guilt trip worked for me. Then I was grounded for like a month, no phone, friends, and/or car. Think back to when your boy was 3, didnt he push your buttons and push the bounderies? This is it again just on a new subject, but you cant slap his hand to protect him from harm this time. Approach this subject lightly, mention getting a new screen for the window, see the reaction. Act as if you are distressed about "you" forgetting to lock the door at night and how out of character it is. He will know you are on to him. Heck, just stay up in your room, just a few extra hours will do, you could simply catch him in the act. I always snuck out soon after I was sure my parents were asleep.

I also agree with the alarm and I think you should but locks for all doors that lead outside that can only be opened by a key which you keep with you hid.As far as tip toeing around him and hinting that you may know he sneaks out...I wouldn't go there. He's the child, your the adult. Confront him in a loving and understanding way, let him know that many before him have been there and done that and while it may be fun it's highly dangerous for him and for the family he leaves sleeping with the door unlocked.Of course he's going to deny it, and of course he's going to lie about it but let him know that you plan on making changes so that no one can sneak in or out. Or you could just simply add the alarm to the windows and an additional key lock to the doors and let him figure it out once he tried to sneak out and get caught red handed. No matter what you do you have to keep him from sneaking out.I also use to sneak out of my house and never really done anything but ride around with friends. But if your out all night playing, your not sleeping which means school isnt going to go well.There's no special way around this but to stand up and show him that your the parent he's the child and that there is NO sneaking out. My husband and I already give punishment to my 4 yr old for lying..for us that's just as bad as anything else.

Last August we went thru this same thing w/my 15 yr old boy. He was doing it just to do it. He would just go walking around and sometimes meet friends. Of course this scared me to death but what bothered me more was that the police would just drive by the kids and do nothing. He was going up to the square in Marietta which after dark is not a very safe place. He was not living in my home at the time but another mom called me to say that he was at her house at 2am. That night I picked him up and moved hm to our house. His room is near mine and we have two other boys 2 1/2 and 5 so he knows that I am up sometimes during the night. We live in west cobb so he has a new set of friends and is too far from his old ones. The other threat that I made and will use is putting a video monitor in his room. Even a regular one would work because if he turned it off you would hear static on your end. If you need to catch him in the act first it will take some time and planning on your part but it's worth it for the safety of your child. If you know he's gone out- make sure he can't get back in. Lock all windows and doors and wait for him to panic when he returns. Teens have to earn trust. It is not a right. Once he understands that he will work toward earning it back. Good luck!!!

Don't nail the window shut. Fire hazard for sure.

My sister & I used to sneak out the window at night when we were in high school. All teenagers either do or think about doing it. What we didn't count on was my parents ripping our ideas of teen-freedom apart with some mild punishment and very heavy restrictions. They stuck to the restrictions like clockwork and never let up until the time period they set down was completed.

The alarm clock trick might work for a while but he'll get wise to it soon enough. Sounds like he doesn't have enough to do around the house to keep him too tired to go out of the house. Give him more chores to do.

My parents finally told all of us kids that if they caught us sneaking out again, that they would have to live with the person they were sneaking out with or their family. Basically, that we were on our own since that's the behavior we exhibited. It sobered us up when we all took a trip to a homeless shelter and heard some of their stories. Scared us straight.

A cheaper alternative to the alarm would be a simple baby monitor hidden underneath a dresser or somewhere where he wouldn't see it. He'll never figure out how you heard him if you hide it well enough!

They do sell those door alarms at walmart (We have them so our special needs son can't get out without us hearing him). They work great, but they have a little switch on them to turn them off. A teen would be smart enough to foil that plan unless you could find ones without switches. I do agree that catching him in the act is important. I hope whatever you decide to do to curb this behavior has a lasting impression on him. Good luck!

Change the deadbolt to one that only locks with the key from inside and out. Keep the keys in your room. If he cannot get the door unlocked before he leaves, he cant get back in. If he knows he cannot get back in, he will either not leave, or have to leave more evidence in order to climb up to get in. Try setting your alarm to wake you up at, say, 3 am everynight, just to check. When you catch him out, wait up. getting caught in the act leaves no room for him to deny. Good Luck.

This is a tough situation; my heart goes out to you because this could be an early sign of some more serious issues down the road.
I have a son who just turned 18. We went through a similar situation when he was driving. He was driving to visit a girlfriend in the middle of the night.
In my opinion, it would be wise to not mention it yet but put the screen back on. Perhaps you could put it in a way so that you would "know" if it was moved on not.
Then, after you know you can tackle the problem and confront your child.

I think it is wise to get a hold on what is okay and what is not right now before things get out of hand.

You sound like a great parent and I am sure you will handle it well.

wow - I have a 3 and 5 year old and always worry about this even though I NEVER even thought of doing something like this. We have a home auto system and it is set up to sound an alarm if a door or window is opened when the alarm is set. My husband installed the system himself and can change passwords. Maybe that would help. But you surely have to address the issue of why he sneaks out and what he does when he goes out... I wish you the best of luck and hope you post the responses and what you finally decide. I know this is scary for your family.

First, your husband should know your suspicions! Then, bust your son! Be a little sneaky yourself --- fake going to bed, then hide in the bushes all night if necessary. Sometimes you just have to do the tough thing. It's like when they're little and a few nights of fussing over bedtime for them and a little persistence from us ---- it usually only takes a couple of times and they conform. Same now --- he's just bigger. And, thirdly, punish ---- nail window shut and remove bedroom door from hinges if you have to. BE the parent!

I say definately set some sort of alarm. I don't have a teen but I was a very sneaky teen and if I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have done half of what I did. I hated my mom at the time but now I thank her for all of the trouble she kept me out of. He could be up to something serious. I would try talking to him (calmly) first and seeing if that would help but if he is like most teens he won't tell you much. Also, don't worry about waking up you husband with the alarm. He should be just as concerned about it and he needs to be on your side and back you up when you catch your son.

wow the signs are there-he must be sneaking out-get an alarm-if your husband wakes then he wakes-you must get to the root of this especially if your child is getting into some sort of trouble/danger/mischief
best of luck

I would say set an alarm but this might not work due to you not knowing what nights he is sneaking out. I snuck out of my parents house a lot when I was this age and I never got caught. I would suggest doing little booby traps, like pieces of paper at the bottom of the door so if the door was opened that night the paper would fall and you would know something was up. If you have a video camera you could also set that up to watch if he is sneaking out of the house.
The thing about him smoking, you would smell it. Unless you are a smoker that is something you would notice. But if you ever wonder, check his room for cans of air freshner, incense, stuff like that. Also notice if he is chewing gum alot or sucking on mints when he comes home. These could be signs he is up to something. Keep tabs on your alcohol at home too.
I hate to say all this but I was a rebel teenager and my parents never really caught on because you hate to think things like that about your kid. It is very possible though he is just sneaking to hang with friends or opening his window at night to talk to a friend. I hope everything works out and good luck to you.

I saw the other suggestions about alarms for the window. There is also a device you can put on your door that will sound an alarm if it's opened. They are fairly cheap. It's this wedge-shaped thing that you stick in the jamb or maybe the threshold. I believe you can find these things on-line at a spy shop or security store.

Not for everyone, but when my aunt woke up one night and my cousin was missing in action, she put all of her clothes, shoes, etc. and layed them on her bed and left a note saying "go back to where you've just come from." And it scared my cousin so much she never did it again. I do understand that it depends on the child but it was enough to let her know that she was not fooling anyone.

I'm not there yet (my oldest is 13) but I remember vividly when my little sister was doing just that. I always wished my parents would get a clue.

You are very kind to worry about your husband's sleep, but this is something you both need to be involved in. You need to find out what's going on.
Do you have a burglar alarm on the doors & windows? If not, consider getting one. (The new ones are hooked into smoke detectors, too, which is great for additional safety).

If that's not an option, you could get the window screen fixed and leave "traps" around doors/windows so you will know if someone is sneaking in at night. (remember the traps you just to leave in your diary so you could tell if youre parents had been snooping? a string placed just so, sitting at just the right angle, etc., etc.) If you see evidence, confront him with immediate consequences. No arguing. Easy to say, harder to do, I know. Good luck.

Hi There

My suggestion to you is definitely, place the alarm on the window. Having your husband wake up because of the alarm will be the least of your problems if in fact your son really is sneaking out the window!
He can only be up to trouble. Hanging out with the wrong crowd...drugs, sex,vandalism could all be right up his alley if you don't get help now!

Good Luck!

I would do something like put a piece of tape somewhere on the house door so that he wouldn't know you were checking on him. When he opens the door to come back in the tape would break and you would know he had opened it. If you put an alarm somewhere he will probably find a way to get around it.

You have to catch him in the act, I agree. This is something you probably need to nip in the bud early -- for his sake. (You don't want to be a grandmother at 32! -- scary how not funny that is, you know?) It may be that there's only the thrill of sneaking out and that he's not doing anything "wrong" while he's out. But, it is such a easy transition to myriad poor choices. Is your husband privy to what's going on? Maybe the two of you can come up with a good plan for catching your son in the act... Good luck!!! Oh, one more thing -- stay his friend and his fan -- make sure he knows hows how much you love him/ like him/ enjoy him. That way, when you do catch him, it's as a concerned mom and not an evil dictator. This is during the school year -- and not summer break. He really just needs to be in his bed all night at 15.

3 suggestions. The first one is to nail or fasten a new screen back to his window, let him know this will keep it from falling out in any direction. You could explain that they are important to keep out all the bugs and dust, from people breaking in, etc.

Second suggestion is to get up and check on him a few times during the night, even if that means you have to pretend to go to bed and then stay awake. If you find that he's not home and has snuck out, calmly ask him about it the next day. Start the conversation by "honesty will get you in less trouble than lying will". The truth is always better than a story. You want us to trust you, but then you go behind us and sneak out...how does that deserve trust? Talk with him like a young adult. Ask him what is so important that he has to sneak out at night, perhaps ya'll could come to some kind of arrangement. Remimd him that if he's caught, injured, or something worse, that the circumstances are always worse. Let him know that when you go to sleep you want to know he's safe. If he starts the yelling and what not, explain you can take his priveledges away, but you would rather not have to do that. See where that takes you. Just try to stay calm, this will hopefully keep him calm.

Thirdly...pray. Pray for strength and direction, and the power of understanding for your child.

Best of luck.

Been there-done that, I have 3 teenage boys! We changed all the locks in the house to dead bolts with a key and nailed the windows shut. Drastic measures for a drastic situation. I'll get them out if the house catches on fire!
Lock it down tight and you have the key!!!
You just hope they are sneaking out to smoke cig. and not
sneaking out to drink or do drugs. Keep on it-search their room in all places for anything!! I found a split in the mattress with items hidden in there. You have just started and there is alot more to come, so become a detective and TRUST NO ONE!!! Their cutest,sweetest, well-mannered friends are usually the ones they are with. Keep in touch with their friends parents. Yes, they will die of embarrasement but at least they won't die when they sneak out for a joy ride or trying drugs. This generation is extremely savy and learned alot off t.v. and the internet so be prepared for the worst---they will try you, I promise. Let them know the house rules and if they can't abide by them-then they can live somewhere else.
GOD BLESS-YOU ARE IN FOR A LONG HAUL!! PRAY ALOT!!!

oh wow, does that bring back memories.
when i was a teenager, my bedroom was in the basement, i had a small window that i would crawl out of, and freedom was mine!
when i got to be of driving age, i just took the car, my parents even tried to hide the keys, but i always located them. basically if your son wants to do something badly enough, he will..kids are clever, but parents are even smarter.
i would suggest getting a home security system. they even have ones, like at comp usa that you can install yourself, or even if you get one installed, you can get discounts on your home owner's insurance.

but remember, you ARE the parent, teenagers just think that they know everything. you can try to catch him sneeking out, waiting up for him, get your husband involved, the 2 of you can take turns, either that, just sit him down and tell him what you are thinking, and tell him of the consequences if he does get caught. like, since he is 15, im sure he is eager to learn how to drive...that is a great motivator, my parents used it on us..

i hope that this helps

E.

Set the alarm!

Your husband is his father too and one night with a little less sleep is a lot easier than many sleepless nights you'll spend dealing with your son's behavior if he's doing something that could get him in serious trouble.

I pulled the same thing when I was your son's age. I would sneak out and meet my friends (really for no reason except that we weren't supposed to do it). But then I started sneaking out with my boyfriend and having sex. Not that he's necessarily doing that BUT what is there to do in the middle of the night when you aren't supposed to be seen in public???

If your son isn't sneaking out or doing anything wrong, the alarm won't go off and he'll never know you were suspicious. But if he is, you catching him may prevent him from doing something stupid that you'll all end up regretting.

Best of luck.

I suggest getting an alarm for his window. or the rest of the house if you can afford a whole house alarm system. I know they sell just one window alarm gizmos my mom had one on the front door for when my siblings were sneaking out.It had a key type device that my mom had and only she could disarm it.

Have you spoken with your husband about this? If not, that would be the first thing I would do. Secondly, he's most likely sneaking out on the weekends, so you could set your alarm to go off on Friday and Saturday night. Also, have you thought about those little door alarms that go off when the door opens. They are cheap. Also, you have to get sneaky. Put a piece of string or something that will break easily if the window is opened. Also, get a new screen and put it back up this weekend. See how he reacts to that. You are going to have to proactive, because it sounds like he is for sure sneaking out, and sneaking out means he is most likely doing something he shouldn't or he wouldn't be sneaking out.
Good luck and be persistant!