Teenage Son Afraid at Night to Sleep Alone in His Room

I know of a wonderful counselor who practices mostly with issues in children and teenagers. her name is leslie chertok, she is in the north end of tacoma. you could even call and speak with her on the phone before making an appointment to see what you think. she is wonderful with any problems i have ever had. you can look her up online. i don't know if i can give her number on this site, it may be considered 'advertising'? but you have her name. :) hope that helps!

Have you considered a hypnotist?

Another thing you might consider is "sleep hygiene." It is a simple routine that consists of going to bed at the same time, waking at the same time, eating at the same time. And eating well--good foods. No scary movies...happy endings only.

Additionally, have him walk around the house and look for ways to "break in". In effect, challenge his fears with reality.

Good luck.

Rhonda,
I do not know if this is possible for you but if I were you I would get him a dog! The dog can sleep with him, on the floor in his room or in the hallway right outside his room (this is how we trained our dog at our house, brooks sleeps in the hall between both kids' rooms.) A dog will alert you to any and all noises that go bump in the night. My dog makes me feel safe and I know he does the same for all my kids.

It might be good for your son in more ways than one!

K.

My husband says that something must have happened to him when he was young that you somehow missed. He also suggests that perhaps martial arts may help him. I think I would tend to agree. I took Karate in high school, so I know the thinking and teachings that go along with it. Something like that will likely empower him to feel like if there is a break in or something happens, that he will be able to defend himself and his family. It will also do wonders for his self esteem. I would also suggest having his dad talk with him about the problem, or talk with him more/play more of a role in addressing it (assuming his dad has talked with him about it already). He will be able to connect better with your son.

My first thought, when I saw the your question and before I even read the whole situation is that something likely happened to him when he was young. Something you most likely don't know about or something that seemed small to you, but maybe very big to him. He probably doesn't even remember if something did happen, but it could still have that impact on him. I agree that a pet of some kind that could sleep with him would be a great idea. A dog of course would be best because of peoples inherent trust in them to protect us. Does he have a nightlight? That may help a little. I also agree that having his dad talk to him would be helpful, at his age he could probably relate to his dad better than you. I also think that, even though its frustrating for you and you don't understand why he does this, that telling him to get over it is a step backwards. It likely makes him feel as if your not by his side on this and that could impact your relationship with him in a negative way. Try to be supportive and sympathetic.

Hi Rhonda- Your situation sounds difficult and my heart goes out to you. One of my suggestions is to get him into karate or even a self-defense class. Maybe if he feels like he could defend himself, that would decrease the fear of what 'might' happen. At the very least, it would build his confidence. Also, sometimes it helps to 'go there' in a conversation and what I mean by that is to ask him what he would do if someone did break in. I know it helps sometimes to talk through a situation with kids, and even adults, and it often takes the power out of the situation. If he feels equipped, then he may realize that no matter what happens, he would know what to do. And last, but not least, my suggestion is to pray with him. If you attend church, have the pastor or youth pastor pray with the both of you for the Lord to remove the fear and the power that it has taken in your home. I hope this helps.
Best to you- H.

I suffered with this for most of my childhood and still have dreams at night of the "closet". As an adult I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder - which, looking back, started when I was a child. My daughter has this as well. Run, don't walk, to your son's doctor and ask about prescription treatment for this very treatable disorder. My daughter would get up several times a night and check the doors against intruders. When we finally agreed to put her on a trial of imipramine she slept thru the night! She didn't stay on it forever, but it got her through a tough few years.

I would highle recommend cutting out all horror movies. He sounds like a very sensitive child and really doesn't need this kind of input. All it will do is make his fear worse when there's plenty of other things for him to watch. Talk with him and explain to him that watching them is out of the question even at other places in order to help him.

Does he like to read? I always had fear of sleeping alone (had some traumatic things happen when I was little), and my mom made sure I knew it was ok to turn on the light and read. Make sure the material, again, is something other than horror.

Music is another idea. Maybe he doesn't like the silence. STaying at other places he's probably distracted from his fear and in your room he has you.

Hi T..
I sympathize. I also have a son who has experienced many fears, even panic attacks at times, during his teens, early twenties. He is now 26 and much better. I am also a Licensed family therapist. I think the key for your son is that there is most likely a deeper fear/fears underlying the one that is presenting. He does need counseling! but he needs to go to the kind of therapist who can help him access the deeper levels of what he is afraid of. (Probably images of death - either of you or of himself). I would keep trying to find that right therapist because the energy will persist in SOME format because the symptom points to something deeper.

He obviously is afraid of not being able to be strong enough to protect you and himself against an intruder/breakin.

One thing that might help him is an outdoor wilderness program of some kind in the summer with other young people or young males to help him feel more secure about his body/his strength/his survival skills. Or, perhaps, a really good Karate or Tae Kwan Do or even good Tai Chi
class with a skilled, classic instructor would help his core sense of inner security.

And I think continuing to encourage him to sleep on his own in his own room is important but I might stop interacting with him so much. Give him a time --say midnight -- that if he still isn't asleep he can come in and sleep on the airmatress on your floor...make sure he does not sleep close to you and that the bed is not all that comfortable...and not to wake you but not allowed to come in until a certain time. Begin with as late a time as possible and then after a week or two, add another 30 minutes so that he isn't to come in until, say, 2AM. And then, he is to come in without waking you.

Maybe some of these ideas will be helpful.

Hi Rhonda
I know the feeling of waking up in the middle of the night with fears like your son is having. Here is what I do and it helps....think about how you could give these same tools to your son so he feels empowered in those moments. He is picking up on something...and it may not even be energies within your home. He might just be a sensitive child energetically and I would encourage him to learn how to work with his intuitions and not shut them off, ignore them, or let them get the best of him.

1) Enroll him in some sort of self-defense class or martial arts

2) Teach him to envision a blue shield around your home and each family member. So when he wakes up with fears, he can access his imagination to protect his home and family and self.

3) Buy a Sage bundle and burn the end and go through each room and door way and window and ask for protective and loving energy to gaurd this home and allow for only loving energies to enter. Do this with him so he can energetically line up with it. And let him know that you guys can Sage your home as often as he feels like it needs it. (he can even sage himself and imagine protective energies surrounding him).

I just dont think its easy to "get over" something without empowering someone with some resources and tools that they can tap into when they are faced with their fears. And also, maybe talk to him about how important it is that he allow only positive images to be in his reality (not horror flicks) and that it is up to him to make wise choices. Our imaginations are very powerful....powerful enough to keep us awake at night!

Good luck!

I haven't had to deal with this issue, but I will list my thoughts.
Get him a cd player and let him listen to music while he goes to bed.
Give him a teddy bear or something to comfort him.
Teach him to pray at those times and trust that Jesus is with him always. Ask God to place angels at every door and window to protect you guys.
Pray for him for peace and protection. Pray together and separately.
Go to the Dollar store and get one of those alarms that you put one piece on the door jam and one on the door. When turned on, if you open the door, the alarm will sound. For a buck each, you could put one on every door and window that he thinks someone might get in by.
Get him a heavy baseball bat to keep by his bed so he can get up and clobber any intruder. Of course teach him how to be safe in case of an intruder, so he knows what to do. This might help his fears.
Put a phone in his room so he can call the police if an intruder breaks in.
Teach him to take deep breaths and practice relaxation.

Talk to him about his fears, help him rationalize. Listen carefully, he may give you a clue to help him.

I pray that he overcomes this quickly.
Blessings,
J.

My son had terrible nightmares for years. I recommend prayer - over his room and him, and for prayer and counseling for him. Get a house blessing from a Orthodox or Catholic Priest if you can. He needs to replace his scary visions with good ones. Some fears are NOT unfounded. Sometimes there is a spiritual reason for these fears. Don't ignore or minimize this fact.

Also, find some really nice positive movies he could watch with you to "wash out" the bad.

My son is 14 also and since he was little he won't sleep with his overhead light off. It has affected his behavior I am sure because he is not getting good sleep. If I wait until hes asleep and turn his light off...he gets up within minutes and turns it back on and yells at me for turning it off. Like your son he is afraid of someone breaking in or something like that....I too am a single mom....I honestly think that they think since they are the "man" of the house its their job to keep us safe...which of course can cause anxiety in a young person...well face it...a grown up too. Just keep trying, get a cool night light (I bought my son a mini disco ball thing) or use the sleep separation technique (you sit at the corner of their bed with your back to them and slowly over a period of days you work your way out of the room) its used for toddlers that wont stay in bed with success I don't know how well it would work for a teenager though.

Hello!

i have a 5 year old that does this! is this what i am in for! anyways i have to agree with someone elses advice...GET A DOG!!!!!!! if you can have one get one. as a kid i didnt like sleeping in my own room either i was afraid someone would break in and KIDNAP me. finally when i was 13 my mom and dad got me my own dog! not only was he my buddy during the day and we played till dark but at night he was my watch dog. he would bark if he heard anything and i felt so safe with him there! luckily i had a queen size bed cause he was a chow chow and he was huge and he slept with me! but after i got him i never slept on moms floor again. GOOD LUCK to you!!

~K.~

Where is his bedroom in relation to yours? Does he keep a night lamp on? Do you have a pet? Maybe a dog that can sleep in his room? It sounds like your son is terrified to sleep in his room...but why? When did it start? If it started suddenly, then you need to ask yourself what may have traumatized him? That kind of fear CAN be caused by something that happened to him. I know that I witnessed a traumatic event as a child under 2 yrs. old and always had a deep fear of someone (doing what I witnessed) hurting me. Once I was told what I had witnessed it made sense and I no longer had that fear. I now understood why I had that fear. If possible a bedroom right next to yours might be good. Keep his door open and let him know you are right across the hall, next bedroom, whatever. I agree that this is a problem that the professionals need to help with. There has to be some sort of psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. that deals with this type of disorder. I feel bad for your son. How this must feel for him.

Your son has some serious anxiety issues that he needs help overcoming. His fears are extremely real for whatever the reason. I strongly suggest that he see a counselor to help him and you deal with those fears. Is it separation anxiety or just fear of the dark? How about letting him fall asleep with music on or a tv in his room? I had a great aunt who told me she slept, really slept when I would come and visit her. Just having another person in her house made her relax and she could get some sound sleep. She was a widow for many years, but it just helped. The same with my Mom since my Dad passed away. She falls asleep with the tv on. I wish him peace and rest.

He may have an anxiety disorder. Take him to a psychiatrist not a counselor.

1) prayer--you, your friends, your family, hands-on is more effective than long-distance but all of it helps
2) consider whatever your spiritual-path calls 'deliverance' (that's the Christian term; I'm Catholic) ... sounds like what, in Christian spiritual lingo, I would call "a Spirit of Fear" ... these would be especially powerful for boys at night according to many things I have seen (boys don't move as easily in the dream/spiritual realm, and if they haven't received security there ... well, he can't build his own safety there, I guess is what I would say). Something seems to be locking the natural ability for you to give him that security (he clearly has the instinct that it should come from you) ... in my faith tradition, the natural path being unavailable means it needs to come directly from God.

God bless ... I have dropped some prayers your (both of your) way today.

It is common to have fears while sleeping alone from time to time depending on the circumstances. But these fears are usually fleeting. At 14 he should be able to know the difference between reality and fantasy. Yes, I sometimes am scared after seeing a horror movie but my fear passes in a couple of days or perhaps a week. A childs fear may last longer and may come and go but it is rarely consistent over a period of years.

I think that something is going on in his unconscious is causing this fear. It could be that he's become attached to sleeping in your room and doesn't want to stop. He may not be aware of this. But he knows that he feels scared in his room because he's not in your room. Something may have happened, either real or unreal such as seeing something in a movie at an earlier age when he didn't know the difference between reality and fantasy that causes him to still be afraid. If your marriage was tumultuous and he was aware of it this may have triggered the fear. Other, seemingly unrelated adjustment issues may be contributing to this fear.

Where did he sleep when your husband was with you? Could he on some level, perhaps unconsciously, taken on the role of male protector of the mother?

I strongly believe the reason for the fear is emotional and he'll continue to be fearful until whatever is going on in his unconscious is dealt with.

Fourteen is too old to be sleeping in your room when he has a room of his own. Even if nothing sexual is overtly occuring he is at the age of having new feelings which he doesn't understand and may frighten him. Clinging to his mother eases the anxiety. A possible way of looking at it is that even tho it's an unconscious feeling he doesn't have to grow up.

I recommend trying counseling with someone who can be more attuned to his situation. Not all therapist can work with all people. Find one who is willing to spend several sessions, perhaps weeks or months to help him work thru this.

If he doesn't I'm afraid he will be a "mama's boy" and live with you even after his an adult. He will have a difficult time having relationships with girls and women and may choose to be "mama's boy" instead of being on his own or with a woman.

I see this situation serious only because of his age and your inability to transition him to his own room. Pease find a therapist who can help.

In the meantime, I don't see any reason that both of you have to lose sleep. I've known teens who get up during the night, wander the house, fix a snack, watch TV, listen to music, read and their parents are mostly unaware. Perhaps you could help him learn ways to "self soothe" ie: deal with his fears for himself.

I was frequently scared because my mother was ill, my parents fought when together, and for awhile I lived with 3 different families. I was shy and couldn't ask an adult for help. I took a flashlight to bed with me and read a book a night. I saw my mother do this to soothe her anxiety. I still had good grades. This did not "cure" my fears but it held them at bay until I was older and could get psychiatric help. Talk therapy helped. But once anti-depressents were on the market they helped the most. Your son may need some chemical help because it does sound like the fear has lasted long enough to alter the chemical balance in his brain.

I recommend that you take your son to a psychiatrist who is trained in making evaluations. The evaluation will help you know what you need to do.

Hi Rhonda,

My son, who is 16 now, also was afraid for years of being alone, and I attribute it to TV. Every time he would watch a suspenseful movie, it would come back. I was also a single mom for years and I always had him sleep with me when he was younger. His father and I divorced when he was 5, but we were on and off, since he was a baby. So he didn't exactly have the most stable little beginning. I just let him sleep with me. Our favorite activity at night was to read together. I would find a series of books he liked, and at first I was reading them out loud, then later we would just lie in the bed together and read our own books. I don't believe the tough love of forcing them to sleep alone addresses the issue and I always chose to solve the problems with love. My husband now and I have been together since my son was 6, and we lived on a boat for years and he didn't have a room of his own. My husband snores so after a while, he and my son just shared the futon in the living room lol. Then we moved into a small apartment when our daughter was born, and there was only one room, so the baby and I got the room, and my husband and son still got the futon in the living room. I truly believe all this closeness in proximity brought us closer together as a family, and even though we now have a house and everyone has their own room, I will still go back and forth between my kids rooms. My son still loves to have me or his step dad sleep with him, and my daughter has recently been weaned from nursing, so I still spend part of the night there. and of course my husband still snores, so I can't sleep with him lol.

I know this doesn't address his fear, but if he gets a good night's sleep, where is the harm in it? He will eventually grow out of it. Be thankful that you don't have a worse problem like bed wetting or night terrors. My husband has always been supportive of my sleeping with my kids, and that has really helped. We are all extremely close now and I have a wonderful son that still talks to me, even at 16, how rare is that! I fully believe that it will take care of itself in time, unless you force him to just live with his fear.

Also the suggestion of getting him a dog is a great one. There are a lot of really great family dogs on craig's list that need loving homes, and that way is usually free or cheap, and you don't have to go through that destructive puppy phase. We just got a one year old dog off of craigs list and we love her to death and she came spayed already.

Have you tried talking to him about his fears? Do you lay in his bed with him or welcome him in yours if he is feeling fearful? I know a lot of people don't believe in this practice, but I originally did it because it was easier, and continued it because we all like it. And it isn't a problem for us.

I also know of an acupressure technique that really helps with emotional issues called EFT, or emotional Freedom Technique. Try surfing it up on the internet.

I have read that children that sleep with a light on, even just a night light are more likely to develop leukemia or other forms of cancer, so I wouldn't recommend that approach. Complete darkness is the best way to sleep. It stresses our bodies for a light to be on because it messes with our melatonin production which stresses our immune systems. Try soft soothing music like Enya or white noise like a small fan instead.

Good luck and best wishes.