Teenage Depression.any Moms Out Here with Self Injurers with Depression

I too have a daughter (16) who shares the same issues as yours. She has always been a very sensitive child and her anxiety and depression became apparent in her teen years. She has been seeing a therapist since Nov. 2005. She agreed to go on meds (Zoloft) so we had to seek the help of a psychiatrist recently since her therapist cannot prescribe. Soon after she started the medication she said she wanted to stop it because it made her feel detached and stifled her creativity. We let her go off of it and we are keeping a close eye on her moods, as are the therapist and psychiatrist. She has so much potential, she is smart, creative, and very mature for her age. She wants to go to college and we wonder how she can manage without her current support system. She assures us that she will be able to handle life when she is on her own. My husband and I love her and support her without hesitation. We are very frustrated though, we feel like we are constantly jumping through hoops for her yet we don't always see progress. Just when we think she is "in a good place" we see telltale signs of her scratching herself. She uses her nail to give herself an abrasion. We feel so defeated at times. It has affected our whole world (she has a 14 year old sister who is trouble free). At times we feel like giving up and other times we give each other a pep talk about how life could be so much worse. I dislike the roller coaster ride! Anyway, just wanted you to know that you have company and from what I hear a lot of families who seem other wise "normal" also experience this in some form. Hope it helps!

Hi J....I've read many responses to your letter. I agree with most about the depression and the anxiety it causes the parents but I did not see much about the self injuring. I have a fifteen year old daughter that cuts. she has scars running up and down her arms. The therapist I was using didn't seem too concerned although from my perspective any injury to the beautiful child I brought into the world can bring me to tears. I learned to accept the ideas behind cutting but I didn't believe it was something to ignore. And I was right. She escalated to taking pills (tylenol, motrin, my perscriptions) and that's when I drew the line. I told the therapist that it has to stop. Her anger with herself has to stop. The therapist saw my desperation and we put my daughter into a 30 day outpatient program. It was called a dialectical approach and dealt with anger, self image, depression.

She has since been alot better but not perfect. I really think alot of it stems from self image. My daughter is very pretty but will not hear the words when people tell her. She still has some problems with anger as well. If she yells or loses control she counteracts it with hurting herself.

All in all the program was worth it. There are tons of therapists and hospitals that offer this program and work with you and or your insurance. I feel your pain and I know what it feels like to sit helplessly by.

Take care of your self and put up a really strong front.

H. Hoffman

Yes your feelings are nornal....it comes from feeling helpless about her condition.

Know just listening more, spending quality time with her, being supportive when she does turn to you is HELPFUL to her. Hold her hand, give lots of hugs, let her know you understand, let her know she is loved...

She has to work out all her own issues herself and this takes time and patience. You can't solve her inner problems for her. I do hope besides her medication she is talking with a professional therapist weekly.

I also think you will benefit from a few appointments with a good therapist to work out your own feelings about all of this.

I think it is normal to be depressed yourself, I think that comes with loving your children, and wanting them to have a happy normal life. I'm glad that she is opening up to you. That is a good sign, but the way out of depression can be a long one, so my advice is to pray and be a patient as you can. And it probably would not be a bad idea for you to seek a therapist of your own...maybe even without your daughter's knowledge, so that you have a safety valve for your own feelings, and have an independent voice to help put your own feelings in perspective. God bless your family, and I wish the best for your daughter.

I think you are being awfully h*** o* yourself. Who of us can really know our teenagers--they often do a good job of hiding who they are and keeping things to themselves. You are there for her, love her, and kids know that. I think we often have to grieve the loss of who we thought our kids would become before we can really accept who they are. Give yourself some time.

M.

Hi J., I think any mother would feel despair no matter what their child is going through. Your daughter is getting help and that is the most important thing. My daughter is 8 and was just in therapy for anxiety. As parents we often blame ourselves so I know how you feel, but again, she is getting help and that is the most important thing. I recommend closely monitoring her progress with her therapist and if you are not satisfied, you can always try another. Part of our frustrations as parents are not always being able to help our children. Depression and anxiety sometimes are just a chemical imbalance that has nothing to do with what we did or did not do as parents, it is something that needs to be dealt with as any other illness would. I often have cried over my daughter and not being able to help her, that is where the therapy came in. It sounds like you are very supportive of your daughter, just keep patient and she will share and open up with you when she is ready. My daughters therapist often would speak to me as well as this is just as trying for the parent, perhaps therapy for yourself would help, just to sort out your feelings, maybe speak to your daughters therapist as see what they suggest. I wish you and your family the best.

J.,
My son has depression. He is now 18, but we found out about 5 years ago. We only found out because I also have it. So I do have alot of knowledge on how it effects the person and the people around them.

You aredoing the right thing by letting her know that you are there to support her, when she wants or needs it. I'm glad you don't feel guilty about not finding out sooner. It is hard to look for something that has so many different signals that are sent. There is another post back a page or 2 that is about this subject. You could read that and see if it helps you at all.

You could private message me and I would be glad to help in anyway I can. I will even give you my phone number if you want to talk or just cry and have someone listen and understand. I know what you are going through.
Beth

I think your feelings are totally normal. I tried to put myself in your shoes and I thought, that's what I would feel. I would feel like; I don't want this for my daughter and i would feel her pain. It's normal and it's not your fault. Oh, sure we can all do better as parents and we can beat ourselves up for the littlest thing (it's very easy) BUT it sounds like you've done well and this is a personal struggle of your daughters. It's very hard to not feel usless and not be able to make her feel better. Head up, mom, you are doing fine and you daugher will be ok. MOre likely because she has a solid, loving foundation she will be better than most in her situation. Best of luck!

I am glad you are not feeling guilty because sometimes it's just chemical, hormonal, etc. I am a teacher of adolescents and I see children of the most involved parents suffer from depression. Get her help and you might want to get help for yourself as well. God bless.

Hello J.

I am sorry to hear about your daughter and the challenges you are facing.
I want to share my personal experience with you. First my daughter went through a period of depression in her very early teens, with much anger inside as her father and I were divorced. There were many times she would hide in her room and never spoke about the situation.
Then my niece who has also gone through this her whole life and is now 30 was recently diagnosed in a severe state of depression and they wanted to put her on meds.

Well, I spoke with her about what helped my daughter, who is now 23 and free from depression. My niece took hold of what I am about to share with you and never had to go on the meds and is doing fantastic to this day and beyond.

Depression stems from fear of some sort. Fear is a spirit it is not something we can fight off with meds and natural things. Yes, it can help but you need to pull up the root.
There is such an epedemic in this world that my husband has launched a website with some short videos that will help turn you and your daughter around to a life free form these things.

We just had 2 other people, one from Texas and one from Florida get freed from this bondage and that is only the ones who respond to tell us.

You and your daughter should go to DestroyFearForever.com
and listen to the video in its entirety.
Then give me a call, my cell is ###-###-#### and I will be happy to help you further.

Don't worry there is no charge or fees of any kind, this has been freely given to me so I freely give to all who wants.

God Bless You!

Hi J.

I totally empathize with you. I have a 17 year old daughter diagnosed with depression approx. 5 years ago and has been in and out of counseling since. She has never hurt herself but admitted that she had thought about it. Her counselor told her to wear a rubber band around her wrist and to snap it when she needed to instead of cutting or banging her head on the wall (she did bang her head on the wall).

I asked my daughter's counselor if I helped contribute to her depression and she gave me the answer that I dreaded, yes I did, but everybody contributed to it. In my daughter's case, I also believe it is hereditary and she lacked coping skills to deal with it.

It is normal to feel guilt and despair, just do not let it consume you. Acknowledge those feelings, feel those feelings, and then let them go. Get counseling for yourself if you need to.

You can help your daughter by learning everything you can about her depression and ask her therapist what you can do to help her. There are many great websites on depression too. Understanding your daughter's depression will help you realize that it is not your fault and will help you cope with it. Do not become so consumed with helping your daughter that you do not take care of yourself and your husband and other children. Take time for yourself and the rest of your family too.

I wish you the best. The road to recovery is not an easy one, but at least you are on that road.

J., where do you live?
My 16-year old is a nightmare of depression & anxiety, with threats to self-harm though
she hasn't really tried.
I'm sure there are llterally thousands of such stories out there, but I too am in despair &
isolation despite living in Manhattan.
We are both trying to get therapy but so far I'm like you: cry a lot and feel my life is over.
My daugthter is beautiful and talented and has pulled away from any positive activities, though she seems to have a lot of friends. I say seems, because they don't come to our
house any more. She thinks I'm pathetic and crazy and I guess is embarrassed. Lovely!

Hi J.,

First, I want to say it's wonderful that your daughter is being treated for her depression. As someone who had been complaining for years to those around me and my doctor that I didnt feel myself and something was wrong, I have finally been diagnosed with depression myself and have been on medication for 6 months and feel unbelievably great. My own doctor didn't recognize my symptoms as anxiety/depression until they began to become more common and that was when my oldest daughter went to college. I read one of the moms messages and it's true all symptoms are different and not all are classic and at this point, your daughter is being treated and it's all that matters. Of course you feel despair, that's what we as moms feel when we can't fix our children. Although it is normal, don't let it go on for too long, I agree with one of the moms, you may need to speak with someone because you may have some underlying guilt. I know you received a lot of advice, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sure your daughter is relieved she is getting her treatment, and eventually will thank you for helping her feel herself again! Good job mom. N.

My 16 year old son is suffering from depression. We knew that he was not doing as well in school this year. He has always had problems with organizing his school work, concentrating, and keeping up. He is extremely bright, and feels out of place with others his age. We pushed him all year with his school work thinking that he was just applying himself. About three weeks ago we saw some "scratches" on his forearm. Then a few days later there were more. Turns out he's cutting himself with a kitchen knife, although not very deep. We've backed off with pressuring him about everything, and are trying to be much more supportive. We have also been spending much more time with him, making sure to be home when he gets home from school, and to keep the mood as light as possible. He talks to me much more than my husband, and I make a point to always listen, even though my head is spinning with other responsibilities. We have discussed the cutting, and he has stopped, hopefully for good. His guidance counselor was told by some students that they saw his arm and were concerned, so we met with her, and she says he needs some therapy. No one was able to recommend a therapist though, and we were trying to tackle the problem ourselves. Now that someone I trust has recommended a therapist that she has personal experience with, my husband does not want to go that route. I do not want to use a therapist either, and my son although not 100% back to himself has improved greatly. However, I do not want to wait too long and prolong what may be inevitable anyway. He will be applying for college next year, and has always talked about becoming a doctor, but now he's in a fog with school work and his grades have fallen. The guidance counselor has said not to worry so much about the grades, but to worry more about his well being. I just don't want him to come through this and find that he's destroyed his future. He scored 93rd percentile on his psat! Also, I have a 14 yr old son who is withdrawing form the family, and does not want to spend time with us. He is on the phone with his girlfriend 24/7. I don't know if it's just a teenager thing, or he's holding in anger towards us. My husband can be very demanding on them, and they've always felt pressured for good grades.
Anyway, don't feel alone, this is probably much more common than we think. If you would like to talk, email me privatley.
Pam

Hi J.,
I can imagine how scared you feel. It's hard to spot it when teenage drama slips over into depression.
I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner and will lend you my ear if you have concerns that you think aren't being addressed in her (or your) care. You can reach me on Friday or Saturday at ###-###-#### if I can help.
All the best,
C.

How could watching your daughter struggle with depression NOT cause you despair at the outset? She is your baby who you swore to love and protect from harm the moment you took her in your arms. But you cannot protect her from this, only do just what you are doing: love her through it. Know in your heart that she is strong, she will survive, she will make it through. And communicate this to her.
Are you in therapy yourself? Please consider it, for you need to move past sadness and find your own inner strength so you can celebrate the strength of your daughter. Otherwise she may take your despair as a sign that you don`t truly believe she can deal with her issues. And she needs to know you believe in her 100%.

This is definitely normal, but I would try to stop internalizing and just be there for her. As long as she knows you are there for her (remind her of this), then all will be fine. I would try to receive help myself if I were you to deal with my feelings, so you do not have these feelings which might cause her to feel worse (she might notice your "despair" and this might add to her present feelings). As a clinician, I think this is absolutely normal, as any mother would feel horrible when their child is going through something so hard, but adding to this is the fact you missed the signs. Keep positive and perhaps offer to go with her to therapy. This might help both of you.

My 15 year old son is having a problem with depression also. And, it has led him to hanging with the wrong crowd and experimenting with drugs. He was formerly an honor student and may not pass his freshman year of HS...so, I totally relate to your feelings. The important thing is that you are there to listen when she is ready to speak and that you have gotten her professional help - medication, therapy etc. I too suffer with depression and it is so hard to see my child going thru it and knowing what it feels like and being incapable of doing anything to change it other than being sure he has the help he needs. I think as a Mom, anytime our kids go thru things that we can't "fix" its normal to feel a tad of "despair"...if we could make our childrens lives perfect we would...but we can't...so we can only do the best we can by being there and seeing that they get what they need...and sometimes that means also getting what we need. It might be helpful for you to have someone to talk thru all this with too...you sound like you have your hands full - I couldn't picture having 3 teens at one time - never mind preparing for 3 college educations at one time. My one will be leaving his teens and college when the other is starting his and HS so mine will be back to back but not simultaneous and I can't fathom how I am going to do it...so you deserve all the support and kudos you can get!

J. - looks like you've already gotten some great advice so I won't take up your time repeating what I would have said.

Since you mention in your 'about me' that you have 3 kids going off to college I thought you might be interested in making some extra money to help with that situation. If you have any interest in a stay at home business that has huge income potential and would like to hear about it feel free to contact me and I'd be happy to see if I can help in that regard.

Best of luck

J.
Your feelings are normal. I suffer from depression. Just be there when she decides to talk to you. Encourage her to talk to her therapist. Its not uncommon for a teenager to suffer from depression. There's alot happening in the world that a teenager doesn't understand. I was in hospital twice for it. Sometimes you just don't see the signs. Just give her time and she will eventually talk about the issues that are bothering her. My husband has been very supportive. Part of the reason I suffer from depression is Our daughter is disabled and we have always done for her and I just got so stress out fighting with the government and school and other people that I flipped out. I just take my meds and when I have something to say I just let people know how I feel. I held everything in for years but threw therapy I learned to open up and say How I felt about things. I always had a hard time talking to my parents when I grew up and just let people walk all over me. Its hard for kids today with all the tempatations that are out there. My daughter one day when I picked her up from the DayRehab Center made the comment that she was going to get her dads gun and shoot herself and her dad and I. So we are in therapy to try to help her with different issues that are going on around her. She apparently heard about the teenagers shooting people and other kids in school. Just hang in there mom and let her know you are there and you love her I pray alot for these kids today because of the broken homes and drugs and the other things that are happening in the world. It is a cruel world today you should not feel guility that you didn't see the signs its very hard to know what the kids are thinking today I hope I have been some help. B. T.

Mom,

Depression can hereditary, what you call not actively listening could actually be a form of depression aswell,

Feeling despair is NOT really normal because your daughter is medicated, and in therapy trying to get better,

You should be trying to support her, NOT by psyco-analyzing her, BUT by being her mother, and telling her everything will be ok, you will help her, she is normal, ect...

People whom try to commit suicide, and are depressed and have anxiety, have unreasonable fears and stressers, SOMETIMES, they have real fears external stressers, ect..

MOST times they do not know what or WHY they feel depressed.

The best thing i can suggest to you, if you want to be proactive,and involved is to CHANGE her diet, MONITOR her friends and what TV programs she watches, make sure she gets plenty of excersize, and monitor her medications to make sure she takes them,

here are some links you might find helpful.

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/health/hlive/eat/articles/0,,18...

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise/...

http://www.depression-screening.org/

http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/common/menta...

http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/d/depression/inherit.htm

If you want to talk you can email me, I am very familiar with depression and suicide.

Best of luck I will pray for you

M

Usually this kind of behavior is associated with middle child syndrone, at least that was what I was told by my 18 yr old daughter when she hurt herself. My 4 children are now 27, 25, 20 and 10. My husband and me didn't see the signs until she attempted suicide when she broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. That's when she got on meds and we found out she is bi-polar. Much better now and doing fine. Of course we felt it was our fault for not recognizing the signs sooner but when you are busy with the other kids, juggling working full time, some times 2 jobs, it wasn't easy. Your feelings are perfectly normatl but it might help if you went to some counseling with your husband. Some states offer free or low cost therapy. We went a couple of times which helped. Good Luck.

I also saw your note about working until you are 100 as all 3 will be in college. I have a part time business you can do areound your schedule to earn some extra cash. If you do the business full time, you will have more than enough to pay for college. Let me know if you are interested.

I was told that depression is sometimes built up anger. Even if you ask your daughter if she is angry about something she may say no. We must also recognize that depression is a disease. Too many people poo poo that idea but I myself am depressed at times and have to fight to overcome it. There are medicines that can help but you must watch your daughter carefully for any negative effects. It is good if she could talk to others in her age group who may be feeling just as she is.There are no overnight cures .But things can be controlled. Keep the faith.

Our kids are energy magnets! They soak up our vibes. From what you've written about yourself and your situation sounds like you're a bit depressed yourself!

I would suggest finding a meditation program first for yourself and then for your daughter. Solid research shows that regular meditation practice significantly helps to reduce anxiety and depression with NO side effects. Keep in mind that many anti-depressants have some extremely scary side effects.

If you cannot find a program near you, how about checking out A New Earth by Eckart Tolle and supplementing it with the downloadable class discussions on Oprah.com

These two non drug suggestions are both safe and effective.

good luck!

First off let me praise you for getting your daughter the help she needs. I am in the field myself (I'm a therapist) and I can't tell you how often I see/hear parents who are in too much denial to help. It is painful to see and often we use defense mechanisms to defend ourselves from seeing what is in front of us. It is normal for you to cry. You are unfortunately in a role right now where you are going to feel helpless. You're daughter will come around. You just have to give her time to adjust to the meds and the therapy. Therapy takes a bit of time to show improvement - especially in the case of depression. When someone is depressed their thoughts are overwhelming and kind of jumbled so it is hard to find the wherewithall and the ability to organize your thoughts. You yourself are going to have a reaction to it as well. You are her parent and want to do everythign in your power to make everything "right" again for your child. It is ok to feel the way you feel. It's good that you are reaching out as well - it will help you feel better too! Best of luck to you and your daughter!

Hi J. - I'm another mom who's been handling my son's health challenges since he was born (and some days I'm good and some days I'm over-whelmed...and my son will be 22 years old this month.) He was diagnosed early with an anxiety disorder along with a couple of other emotional issues - in addition to having some physical challenges ...also from the beginning. Hard as it may seem, you are helping her - If she's on meds and in therapy, you've started to support her by providing her with some outside the family support. I think the "despair" you feel is very real; for me, and this may be true for you, a part of me grieves because I've watched my son struggle with so many things that are easier for other kids. If she's just starting to talk with you - that's also a good thing. As other moms with similar challenges are offering their support to you, don't hesitate to reach out to them - for yourself. It's comforting to know that you are not the only parent out there.
If I can do my part to be there for you, I'm only an email away. - Kathy P

You really need to get her into some private after school activity to help her build confidence and relieve stress. The reason you don't want an activity with the school is that her classmates will be there too. She needs some time away from her classmates. Try to get her to take some martial art classes, art classes, music lessons, anything to get her out of the house with supervision. Taking up an after school activity helps to build a stronger self-esteem.

Something I saw many times with depressed teenagers (as a school psychologist) was that they did not feel that they could talk to their mothers, b/c their mothers were dealing with depression themselves. They did not wish to add to their mother's burdens or feelings of unhappiness. Many times teenagers blame themselves for their parents' feelings of unhappiness. Your reports of crying and feeling like you have no one to talk to are indicative of your own possible depression. Seeking counseling yourself could be very helpful to your daughter. If you are experiencing depression, it is very important that your daughter understand it is not her fault nor is it her role to take care of you. You will be better able to help your daughter once you are stronger. Hope this helps.

ps-If your child has been placed on meds for depression, be certain that the prescriber is a mental health professional. I feel strongly that just a psychiatrist should not be treating a physical illness like pneumonia, a pediatrician nor general practitioner should not be treating a mental ilnness like depression.

I'm sorry that you are going through this with your daughter, but of course your feelings of despair are normal. I really want to suggest you ask to be involved with some of your daughter's sessions when she is ready, but most importantly you need to be in your own therapy. Your family is close so you will get through this and your family will learn and love even deeper.

Your feelings of "despair" are not at all unfounded. This is your baby and probably a part of you feels like you may have failed her in some way. You have not at all and don't ever feel that way. She is on medication and is going to therapy and that helps, it really does. Alot of parents don't recognize depression in teenagers because almost ALL teenagers are withdrawn and don't want to talk to their parents. The fact that she is opening up some things to you is wonderful. Just keep supporting her and don't judge her and you will all pull thru this. And you are helping her. You are helping her by just being there for her. And that is all she needs. She will ask for help if she really needs it. I'm only 28 yrs old so it wasn't THAT long ago that I was 18 and I myself have suffered from depression/anxiety. Good luck with everything and it will get better, just take one day at a time.

Your feelings are a normal reaction. It is great that you are reaching out for support. Your local hospital or mental health clinic may have a parent/family support group where you can talk about your experiences with other parents with a mental health professional facilitating the discussion. At some point it may make sense for you to have a joint session with her therapist to let your daughter know how much you care, that you are concerned and to allow your daughter to share what she may need from you or the family to aid in her recovery. (It is amazing what can come out in a therapeutic environment even when you have good communication at home.) Good luck! You will both make it through.

HI J.,
Of course you feelings are 'normal' - whatever that may be. As moms we so hurt for our children, but we also hurt for ourselves. Part of our hopes and dreams seem to disintegrate when we watch our children go through things that we tried so desperately to prevent.
I would suggest that you think about counseling as well (not that I am saying you are depressed). This is a difficult time and as you process through your feelings and emotions, you will be better able to help your daughter if you have had an opportunity to 'download' in a safe place.
I wish you all the best. I will be praying for you and your daughter.

I am the mother of two children with "early onset" bipolar disorder. My youngest (now 21) had more depressive, self-injurious and anxiety features. He attempted suicide at age 10. What I found very disturbing was the general ignorance of even well intended people. Things like "he is 10 years old, what does he have to be depressed about". "If he is depressed, get him undepressed", etc. But as a mother, their emotional pain transcends to you. They need to know you love them and that you are their steady rock. Do not let them take you for the ride. It sounds easier than it is. For years I found myself getting in that front seat of the metaphorical "roller coaster" so that I could protect them, but only through experience did I learn that I was more helpful as the grounded bystander. I was not them and no matter how empathetic I was, I WAS not in the same pain as he. When I found either one of my sons with "that look" in their eye, I would try to talk about something in the future. Don't be afraid to get some help for yourself. Often times we cannot see the forest through the trees. I spent years unable to let my guard down and looking over my shoulder for the next crisis - the crisis always came but once I was able to step back and regroup to restore my much depleted resources, I was better equipped to handle it. K.