Teenage Daughter - Big Rapids,MI

Talk to here on the real. Let her know your mistakes and help her not to make the same ones. Sex really can wait and we must encourage our teens of it. Good Luck with it and God Bless

1 mom found this helpful

How to deal with your little girl all grown up? Gently? Respectfully? How did you deal with her being 10? Same kid, new day...

The best way to stop a replication of the past, that I know of, is to tell the entire truth. I have watched the fallout from SO many parents who withheld or obscured the truth that it now appears to me that the very best way to get a child to have an unplanned teen pregnancy is to try to stop them finding out out sex, pregnancy, diseases, the function of their bodies, illicit drugs and (horrors) what mom and dad did way back when. That mystery surrounding the subjects creates a huge wealth of curiosity that the kids can't get satisfied in any way other than personal experience.

Kids who know the whole truth don't go looking for experiences to find the answers they already have. They, in my view, approach sexual relationships in a more thoughtful, personal and far more responsible and mature way than the ones who are essentially thinking 'man, if mom gets this wound up about it, it must be REALLY good!' (That's a direct quote from a friend who got pregnant at 17, 2 months into her university education, which stopped right there.)

If you're concerned about pregnancy before the pill kicks in (about 6 weeks after she starts taking it regularly) supply the child with a spermacide - gel, foam, doesn't matter what kind. That will increase the effectiveness of the condoms to nearly the Pill's level.

1 mom found this helpful

I am sure that you have shared your youthful experience with your daughter. Not that you regret having her, but, that you had her at such a young age.

I know that my mother shared that experience with me and that made want to be extra careful. I did not want to follow in the same path. My mom had to quit going to college because she was pregnant. I did not want to make the same "mistake" and end up with a career that I hated.

I am sure that she is being careful and that she has listened to you and has your good moral standings.

This is also great that you are keeping the lines of communication open so she can come to you if need be.

I would be open and honest with her. Tell her about your experiences, not in a 'I want to frighten you' way...but in a 'I want to share with you what I went through, let you know I am concerned, and that I am here for you.'

Talk to her about how you felt at the time, what was going through your head, what troubles you had etc... Tell her the good and the bad. Knowledge is key for anything. We can't make good deicisions without knowledge. She may look at the life you've given her and think 'everything is GREAT' ...but not really understand or think about the tough road to get there.

Keep in mind, she is 18 ... an adult legally. If she is living with you, you may need to think about what 'ground rules' there are for living in your home. Can she and the boyfriend be at your house and have sex ... those types of things. Again, be open and honest with her... but don't condem her.

I know what you are going through. I spent my whole life trying to make sure that my daughters did not make the same mistakes that I had (get pregnant at a young age). My oldest daughter followed in my foot steps and had her first baby at the age of 17. She is now 23 and has a second kid. She now calls me at least once a week and askes me how I took care of all of them by myself and didn't go crazy. She now understands why I made the decisions that I had. All you can do is teach and hopefully they learn from your mistakes and not make their own. Then you cry without them knowing when they learn the same way you had. You cannot live their lives for them. What do you think your mother did when you got pregnant? Just be there for her and help her when she asks for it. I do agree with you about getting her on the pill.

Hi,
you need to have a talk with her. Not as a friend either, be a mom but not a preacher. I taught sex education for 16 years. Since your taking her to get on b.c. I highly suggest that you let her know your view on sex at her age and clearly it seems you are letting her have sex, but you need to express to her your concerns about her becoming a teen mom. You also need to discuss the possibility of disease as well. Since the door is being open you should not sugar coat anything, if you don't agree to her having sex talk with her about it. Let her know that she must understand in order to love someone else she has to fully love herself first with no imperfections noted before she can truly love someone else. Also she should no the average person falls in love more than seven times this guy may not be lucky seven. She may have been sexually active before now and never said anything about it. I worked with girls as young as 10 having sex for what they can now as adults look back and say for the stupidest reasons. Many were looking for the unknown, (to them and me). I learned to not let my guard down and be their friend, not preachy, just let them now whats out here in the world and what do they want of a future with no career, no finances and no education to help support a baby before their ready and maybe an incurable disease they have to leave with or pass on to their child.
Just be open and honest with her and make sure that the communication does'nt stop after going to the clinic she gotta know there is more to a relationship than sex. Truly at her age thats whats most important is to have sex at what cost though.
Remember don't preach and make sure you both keep an open communication to let her know you are not really down with her having sex now and that going to get on birth control doesn't mean your saying its okay to do it or just be safe, if thats not how you feel.
Make sure she knows he ALWAYS has to use a condom and to ALWAYS keep her own supply of condoms, know how to shop for them and store them and how to put them on.
Like the other mom says, your baby is always your baby, but 18 yr. olds think that means their grown. You have to put her in God's hands now. God has given us the seeds to plant, the soil to plant it in now he has to water the plant to allow it to grow. So just be prayerful if all else fails, remain prayerful. It will help her and it will help console you through this other adjustment of many that your child will go through as we did in life. A "peace" of mind for mom. Hopefully she'll go off to college,or get busy with a job or trade and gain many new life experiences that will help provide her with healthier life choices and later will chalk this all up as a learning experience in life. Whew that was a mouthful, hopefully you will be at ease a lil!

I was her age too, but I was lucky enough to marry my first love. We've been together for 12 years and are happily married. My daughter is still little, but I'm not looking forward to her growing up. How did your parents deal with you "being all grown up"? When my dad found out, he said "whatever happened to that little girl who said that she'd never do anything bad"? What could I say? My husband and I have already had discussions about how we'll approach our kids with the "sex talk". We would like better for our kids and so our focus will be abstinence, but we will also be talking about the risks of sex, physically , emotionally and spiritually. If you haven't done so already, you need to talk to them both and ask them if they are ready to be parents? Are they ready to get married? Are they ready to buy and house and be real grownups? You and I both know that 18 is far from being grown up. My mom was a mother at 17 and struggled for a really long time. Talk to your daughter and her beau about being responsible and let her know that you'll always be there for her. Once you get her on BC, make sure that she knows that condoms are still required if she is going to remain healthy. Good luck

She may be 18 but she is certainly not all grown up.....she is in no way emotionally or physically ready to accept what can happen when you are sexually active....obviously you realize this....the amount of std's out there should be mentioned often and bc pills DO NOT ptotect against THOSE!!!!!

Hi Stacy. I am a mom of a 23 yr old daughter and I had her when I was 17. My first question is, have you talked to your daughter about how hard it was to be a young mom? If not do it immediately! Second have you discussed birth control with her? When considering types of birth control, there are a few things to think about. Will she take the pill every day or be like me and forget all the time? Also the hormones may make her gain weight. I highly recommend the IUD. I have tried most types of birth control, and I find the IUD to be the least impacting on the body, and there is no thinking about or remembering to use it. Unlike hormone birth control it is immediately effective, instead of taking a month for it to be fully effective. It is inserted by the doctor and all you have to do is check periodically to make sure it is still there. I hope this has helped you. V.

S., This must be hard for your to see your daughter going in the direction you didn't have planned for her. I don't know where you are spiritualy, but I would like to give you advise in that most important area. I too had sex before marriage, but I never had a personal relationship with Jesus, so I followed my flesh...not Him. The best advise you can give your daughter is that God sees this as immoral. first cor.6:13 says the body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for God. In Eph.5:5 it says you will not have any inheritance in the kingdom of God. There is many more scriptures on this but I would love if you looked it up and went over it with her. Let her know that to make it to Heaven is not just by believing, but by a personal relationship with Jesus.Once you have this you don't want to do anything that would go against His will. Because the Holy Spirit then resides in you and thses things are not something you even think about doing. Explain to your daughter that hell is real.That it is not somewhere God wants to send us, but we have free will and we in turn make that decision to go there by not having that personal relationship. Have your daughter ask Him into her heart, and repent of her wordly ways. Life is so much better. God made us,He is the one who knows what will work. Our time here is short compared to an eternity in Heaven. We will all kneel in front of Him some day weather we go to Heaven or hell. Ask her what she will say to Him when it's her turn. Please don't get me wrong; I'm not telling you your daughter is going to hell,I am just writing what God has put on my heart to tell you, that the most important advise to give her is to follow Him. It's all in his book, I'm mearly repeating it. God's blessings to you and your's. I will pray for this situation. C..

Im sorry but telling your daughter that she will go to hell if she has sex will only drive her to have more sex! Im a Christian and I know what the bible says, but Im also the mother of a teenager and I know what 'realistic' is. I think that telling your child they are wrong and then turning your back on the situation is downright stupid! Sorry! She is grown and has made an adult decision. Yes, she should wait and yes, she could be playing with fire...that's where you come in. Encourage her to recommit to waiting, but recognize that she might not. That's her decision and it doesn't make her bad and it SURELY doesn't make her unloved by God!!! Arm her with the protection she needs so that later in life her regrets don't include children, diseases or even death. There is no way to tell her that she will be sorry later...but you can help her be safe while she learns lifes lessons!
~L.

Hi S.,

I was in the exact situation 3 yrs ago. My daughter was 2 months shy of turning 18, a senior in high school, and had a boyfriend for the first time. She actually came to me and asked me if I would take her to get birth control pills. Although my heart sunk, I was happy that she felt comfortable coming to me. Needless to say, it was hard not thinking about her as a little girl, but I knew I had to let go. I tried to remember how I felt when I was 17 and I had great communication with my parents as well.

My greatest advice to you is to be there for her and to keep supporting her.

Good Luck!

S.,

Hi, My 17 year old just had a baby. All I know is as much as you try you can't make thier choices for them. I wish I could have. Because like you, I had her when I was young. All I can do now is Love her and the baby. She knows I don't agree with it. As hard as it is she is learning from her own mistakes. But Thank God you are still on her side and trying to help her. She will remember that you Love her.

Wow, I feel like you're talking about the exact situation I just had with myself and my daughter just recently. All I can say is be as open as possible with her about the importance of her choice and what the consequences could be. She feels like an "adult" so making her feel bad or talking down to her will only push her away and make her not want to talk to you. I also put my daughter on the pill at first with the same fears you have about pregnancy, but I had asked her to please not have sex again (if that was something she had planned on doing again anytime soon) until after the pill had enough time to become effective - and to still use condoms to prevent stds. Hopefully she listened. Also after taking the pill for a few months she did come to me and asked if there was something she didn't have to remember to take everyday so we just switched her over to the 3 month shot. That may be something else to discuss with your daughter.
I hope that helps a little.

S.
let me start by saying i know what you are going thur our oldest turned 18 back in dec and wow .well back a year ago she came to me and said she was thinking about having sex and i am not sure who that was harder on her or me so after i quit crying and caught my breath we sat down and had the supper long talk about sex what can happen if a condom breaks how she could get pregnant at any time of the month and all the sexual tranmitted out there and after that we went down to planned parent hood and went on depo shot on the drive home i told her that just because i took her to get birth control dose not mean i think she ready to have sex and dose not mean i think it ok but if that what she is going to do i want her to be as safe as possible i bought her a box of condom made her sit thur a video on how to use them and if a comdom break how inportin it is to let me or a nurse at planned parenthood know so we can make sure she not a mom before she is ready well i sure hope somthing i said helps you

My oldest (17) is sexually active as well. Communication is very important and sex is an issue we talk about a lot. My daughter is on birth control for health reasons and I encourage her to make sure her boyfriend wears a condom because birth control is not 100% effective.

I did not encourage premarital sex and would have loved it if she would have waited until marriage but at least she is discussing sex with me instead of hiding it from me.

This is a tough topic to discuss with teenagers but once out in the open it becomes much easier and we have become much closer.

Hi S.,
My kids are only 15 and nearly 13 and both boys (not sexually active).
Thinking back to my mom, this is what she told me when I became sexually active. Your body is priceless, special, it is yours, be good to it. Protect yourself, if you can't handle taking care of the dog how would you handle a baby? Don't be foolish, when you have sex, you are sharing your soul with another person. And our souls were not meant to be given away and shared with just anyone. Neither are you.
And then she told me she would kick my a** if I came home pregnant. lol
The soul part is what got me...and yeah in the bible somewhere it mentions that connection between a man and a woman, in love.
My mom still looks at me and says "My little girl", I think it's still hard for her, she sees her own life racing by whenever I tell her how tall the boys are getting, or that Saun could be driving soon, that I will be turning 36 this year (uck!).
Keep talking with her, let her know how proud of her you are, encourage her to strive for higher goals, trust her. That can be the hard part, trusting they will know what to do without you...this parenting thing doesn't get any easier I'm realizing. 3 am feedings and poopy diapers...now that was easy.
God Bless
W.

Honestly. That is exactly how I would deal with an 18 year old. Congrautlate her on using birth control (a lot don't) and for being honest with you. Take her to the doctor and get her on birth control, I would recommend talking to her about AIDS because the pill does nothing to prevent it... she would still need to use condoms.

I feel for you. I remember when both my daughter told me there were having sex and I cried for days (not in front of them). I felt like I lost my little girls but worse I felt like my little girls lost the little girl in them. I thought I talked to them till I was blue in the face about being a teen mom. I was a teen mom and they both know I would not trade a second of my life that brought them to me. However they do know that we struggled a lot to get to where we are and that they would of lived better life’s if I would have had my life together more. Not that they lived bad lives but I had to work and go to school they spent more time with their grandma then me. I didn’t get to be a full time mom till they were 6 and 8 and they know how much I regret that and stuff I missed out with them. But anyways all the talking I did wasn’t enough my oldest had a baby at 18 with her boyfriend of 5 years. They had been together since 7th grade and thought they were so in love. They planned Zach along with a wedding. Well I am raising Zach and there was no wedding. They are still together but are not even close to being able to live there little fantasy life they had planned. I was very open with her and talked to her and she was very open and honest with me. I had a deal with both of them that they could write anything to me and I would write them back with no judgment at all. This was great and they did tell me close to everything but in the end nothing I did was enough to stop her from doing what she wanted at 18. All of this has been a great source of birth control for my other daughter however she swears she will never have kids. You just have to talk to them and hope that at the very least you get through to them about their own safety. Not that having a baby is not a big deal but now a days with all the STD out there it is only one of the consequence of having sex and some of the STD and end your life not just effect it. I have told my daughters this non stop and they both do get checked yearly for them. They both have only been with one boy each. There high school/ junior high relationship but they still get checked I tell them to love their boyfriends and to trust them but this is there life and it has to come first. It is not disrespectful to their relationship to protect their lives. Also it was very clear to them that this was not to happen in our home. If they were old enough to do this then they were old enough to figure out were it was appropriate and safe to do and under their parents roof was not it ( my oldest daughter boyfriend mom did not share my views at all). I wish you luck. It is not only hard when they start having sex but when they are 18 and you loose that little girl you have loved and protected for 18 years is starting to learn to do it on there own and you have to start to let go.

Keep talking. Think of all the girls that can't or won't talk to their Moms. My Mom got me a ring that I still wear, so when I was alone with my boyfriend (many years ago), often I would look at my "future" ring. My Mom reminded me of the future I wanted. The key was that it wasn't the future she wanted for me, it was my future. Once I got that in my head and had the confidence to know I could achieve it, it put a short term "good time" in perspective. Just on idea that worked with me. I was a 28 successful college grad when i had my first child. I also point out the opportunities that she has because I have a good job, successful marriage and flexible schedule to get her where she wants to go.

The biggest thing would be to not treat her like a "little girl". Like it or not, she has in fact grown up. Taking her to the doctor is the best thing you can do for her. It shows that you understand she is old enough to make this decision, but that you also expect her to be responsible about it. Other than that just talk to her, tell her how hard it was for you, even though you love her very much. Also make sure to talk to the doc about the HPV virus and getting her vaccinated.

Well first things first:
Respect her as a young adult. She will always be your baby I know but know that no matter what you can't persuade her decisions you can only provide advice. Which I am sure you already know depending on the relationship, is taken with a grain of salt.

I am a young mother 23 with a soon to be 3 yr old. I didn't have much knowledge regarding sex so thats most important. Make sure she has and knows all the resources. Don't pressure her and force your opinions on her simply inform her. There is the HPV virus which has a vaccination if she has not had that, educate her on that suggest she get it or take her to get. Educate her on all viruses and diseases remind her that some alter your life and affect future relationships as well as future familiy possibilities.
The easiest thing to do actually is get the doctor to persuade her on things because she will take it differently from him or her. Also, just pray for her. Ask God to protect her and keep her tell her what you know and trust that she will make decisions.
Gently remind her that she has a lot ahead of her and although a baby is a blessing it alters life substantially. Remind her to think of school and life as a young adult. Just think of where your parents may (or may not) have gone wrong with you in that area and try to do better.

Lastly, remain open minded don't, PLEASE DON'T BE CLOSED MINED OR NAIVE OR FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT SHE IS SEXUALLY ACTIVE. REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE IN HER SHOES AND TRY TO WALK BESIDE HER NOT PUSH HER OR PULL HER.

I pray for the best for you and your daughter.
I have been in her shoes and I am speaking from where I have been and experienced at her age, and what I wish I had been told and had done for me at her age.
God Bless You
Hope that helps

I am interested in working with teens especially young ladies who are sexually active, pregnant, single mothers (young and old), and just women in need period to provide resources and guidance. If you need help please contact me.
-T.

Our mistakes won't necessarily be our children's mistakes. I find it best to be open and honest with my teenage daughter. I share my life experiences in hopes that she learns from them and I enforce how much better I want for her. Have you talked with her in depth, not only about pregnancy, but std's? As far as dealing with her growing up, remember you were that age once to, all we can do is prepare them and hope they do the best with what we give them. Keep communication open. Good luck.