Teen Seems to Dislike Her Sibilng

My youngest brother (about the same age spread) is my favorite sibling, and always has been. But in highschool, I was busy. Homework, writing, sports, drama. When I came home from school I'd essentially lock myself up in my room until dinner. I was either working or exhausted and taking some downtime.

I never understood why some people would tell my mum I didn't seem to like my brothers and sisters much. Fortunately my mum also came from a big family, although she wasn't the eldest (as I was). She'd just laugh at them.

I was NOT my siblings parent, but many people expected that KIND of relationship. Nope. If I was asked to help, I helped. But I didn't parent my sibs. Even if i was babysitting, I didn't 'parent' them. I played, fed, changed, refereed them... but I wasn't their parents.

If they were upset, bouncing off the walls, playing with x, y, z... pretty much whatever, when SOMEONE ELSE was in charge, I ignored them. They were little kids, they were going to do little kid stuff. When one comes from a big family, or there's a big age spread, you learn to 'turn off the noise' to carve out some personal space. If I wasn't "on" I did my own stuff. Sometimes they'd join me, but my parents really respected each child's developmental space and they'd not only keep them from pestering me, they kept them from pestering others (think 2 toddlers for a moment... if they're playing on opposite sides of the room and one keeps trying to drag the 2nd one over to where they are, but the other child doesn't want to go, you don't let one boss and drag the other. You say "Suzies playing HERE right now, you need to let her be, she may want to play later." You don't yank up Susie and say "Play with your sister, your stuff isn't important, she wants you over there." ((But people, not my parents, do seem to do this to teens for some reason. Demand they drop everything because the baby wants them.)). They didn't insist that the 3yo put down their blocks and talk King Lear with me, nor that I would put down my King Lear to play blocks. For my sibs closer in age, our parents had DEFINITELY done the 'let your sister play with you' type thing IF we were excluding them UNTIL we were teenagers. (When 'childish games were put away, left in the nursery'.) Teenagers are just adults without experience to temper their reactions. And my parents never insisted that other adults (aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, etc.) stop what they were doing to 'play with the kids'. Ditto we were taught not to EXPECT to be included in our other siblings activities. We might be invited, but it wasn't our right to demand the invitation.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi,
First question, do the parents ask her to watch or care for her much at home? If she is made to feel responsible for her at home, she is probably getting a much needed "bresk" while at your home. If not, then it is pretty normal for such an age difference to have nothing in common, but you might mention to the older grandchild how much her sister looks up to her, assuming that she does, and make sure that the little one gives her plety of space and privacy as well. Try to think of things that they could do together, like ask the older sister if she wouldn't mind painting her little sister's nails or giving her a makeover since she is so great at thos type of things. Make your older granddaughter feel special, because let's face it, when the younger sister came along, a lot of her parents attention had to be redirected to her, so there could be some serious animosity there. Try to make her seem very important in her sister's life. Encourage the younger sister to draw pictures for her sister or color pictures for her and give them to her to show her how much she loves her, no strings attached. Anythiing that she can do to express her affection and love for her big sister, and to show her what an awesome big sister she thinks she is. (even if you have to kind of "fake it " for a while. Eventually it will change and they will form a bind and all of the sisterly love will be a lot more real. If your older grnddaughter is having to be responsible for her younger sister at home a lot, speak to her parents about that. She may feel like she is missing out on something because of her, which will cause some very ill feelings toward her even though it is not the younger child's fault. All family members should help out to make a fmaily run smoohly, but she is not the one who chose to have another child. I for that reason alone, make it a point to have my older daughters watch my 2 younger kids as little as possible. so much so that the older 2 are at the point now where they are always asking to take them out for "dates" to the movies, ice cream and my 8 yr old daughter for pedicures. They are always telling myhusband and I to go to a movie or out to dinner an they will watch the kids. it is amazing. the younger 2 are not biological children, and we decided as a family to take them in when we did, but got in way over our heads when we did. (now it's fine) However, for the 1st year or so, our oldest daughter didn't seem to even like them at all. It was rough. we couldn't simply send them back. Ya know? It will all work out. It always does. communication is key. Try to talk to her and see if you can get to the root of the issue and see what is really bothering her, without judgement or consequence. let her know that you just want to help. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

The age gap between them is tremendous at this point. As long as the older one isn't mean to her little sister, I don't think you should be too worried. As the little one grows up, the gap will become smaller, and you'll likely see them become really close by the time the younger one is in her teens. I know it seems difficult to wait that out, but it probably is the best you can do.

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There are a lot of assumptions about how kids ought to bond as a family, but that's not necessarily in touch with the reality of the situation. I've watched a lot of families over a lot of years, and have seen that siblings are almost as likely to dislike each other as to love and bond with each other.

Or sometimes two kids will connect but leave a third one out. It can be due to any number of factors, including age spread, personality or gender. But some older kids adore their much younger siblings – I was crazy about a little sister born when I was eight, and we were constant companions. There are simply no guarantees when it comes to who connects with whom.

If you can MAKE yourself care about someone/something that you don't like or care about, then use that magic system to help make the older child love the younger. I don't think it's likely to happen – I know I can't make myself do that. Sorry, wish I could give you some other advice besides "accept reality."

1 mom found this helpful

They may be closer when the kids get older, and the older daughter probably loves her, but they won't necessarily be close. What do they have in common right now? NOTHING! The older child has a life that is completely different from the younger. Heck, I have a sister that is 2.5 years younger than me and I don't have anything in common with her. I wouldn't hang out with her if we lived close by except for family stuff cause I don't "like" her, but I do LOVE her. I don't know how she felt about having a younger sister when she was so much older, if mom/dad expected her to be a second caregiver/babysitter, all those other dynamics that can form a relationship. Don't force them to bond, just respect the older one's feelings, and ask her what's going on if her behaviour is too unfriendly. Older needs to RESPECT the younger - and vice-versa - but they don't need to hang out together.

1 mom found this helpful

I have the exact same problem! I am a step-mother to a 15 year old and I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. My 15 year old seems to want nothing to do with my other younger two. It is so sad to me. I was just thinking this morning....gosh I wish she would just try and play a game with them or go outside and play with all of us. I will be interested to see if there is any suggestions out there!

Thats such a big age gap, and at 15 girls so are moody and hormonal that the 4 yr old probably just makes her crazy. At this age she's thinking about bouys, clothes, her teen drama etc.
The chances of them being "close" right now probably arent so good. but since she's not being mean to the younger one, I wouldnt be too worried. She's totally wrapped up in her own world right now, and has nothing in common with a 4 year old. totally normal I think!

My older (step kids) are like this to my child. Even being with us full time since before she was born. It's like they don't know what to do with her and they don't have any tolerance for her at all. My youngest (who is 4) seems to be nearly afraid to knock on their door because of how they talk to her (not yelling but never really nice). I am not sure what the solution is. I am trying to talk to the older kids about how they come across when they talk to her and see if that will help change some of their behavior. Even with that I will never expect them to be too close. I just hope that when they get older they will "be there" for their baby sister when she needs them (when she is a teen and hates me etc. smile.)

If you find something that helps the relationship let me know. I would love to try anything that might improve the relationship.

a few questions come to mind...does the parents have the 15 yr old watch the child a lot ? There may be some resentment there. My neice is 18 and her brother is 5. They do get a long and she is a great motherly sister. My sister never forced my neice to watch her brother. She is very busy with activities any way. But she does get the JOY of watching life through his eyes. Disney, park, playdates, birthdays. I don't think you can force them to bond...as much as that would be easier. The age diff is so far from finding a common interest other then they being a babysitter, as bad as that may sound.

What do the parents say ? What happens in the home when your not there?

Teens are very disinterested and anti-social these days, even more so when I was one, it's very weird.

Maybe you and the family can do more family oriented activities together. Get a craft kit and have the teen help the little sis put it together, let them write a funny story and do a puppet show out of paper sack puppets they make into puppets, encourage the teen to read to her little sister or turn on music and dance together. Maybe the teen can put makeup on her little sis and play dress up. Find out what the teen is interested in and plan an activity around that.

This article has some ideas:
http://www.improvingyourworld.com/relationships/helping_y...

Hi-
I know this may seem a little forward, but have you ever asked the older child, point blank, why they don't like the baby? don't let them shrug it off with an "i don't know" because that is not an answer. Be serious. Start asking questions like, do you feel you have to take care of the baby when it's not your responsibility? do you feel like the baby gets all the attention? do you feel like the baby is loved more than you? just let the questions flow, but do it gently. This is key. The more the older child realizes you are focused on them because you love them, the better it will be.
And it does take time to bond.
The relationship, once built, is amazing. But it is really hard for teens. Their bodies and their minds are at war with eachother, in chaos hormonally, physically, etc. So being secure and content enough to spend time with someone so young...well, they have a hard time seeing the benefits. If the older one can see how much the younger one longs to love on them, they could be great friends. Be gentle. It will happen with time. Just start asking the questions, without any pre-conceived ideas or expectations on the teens response. You may be completely surprised and find yourself nurturing future BFF"s!

-E. M

Maybe it's a sign that you won't have to worry about a teen pregnancy. Just make sure the little one doesn't feel rejected because Sissy is going through one of her "stages". It is quite a difference-if you had 13,11,9 &7 to tie them together, it may be different.

If the ignoring happens when the little one is trying to get her sister's attention, you might intervene and discuss the rude behavior, but if you mean ignore as in not seek out her baby sister, there's nothing "wrong" with that. I like the suggestions you have already gotten about encouraging the older one to do the little ones nails, etc. 15 is old enough to understand compassion. Maybe you can address it directly and get to the root of her feelings. Does she really dislike her sister or is she just in need of a break? (I know my 4 year old drives me nutso sometimes!)

I have also had the experience that sometimes they are in the same phase, so to speak. My toddler will be contrary on a dime just as easily as her teenaged sister. And there are times when I remind the teen that the toddler isn't being mean, she's just a little kid, but the teen takes it wrong anyway.

If the teen doesn't like the little kid (not everyone gets along with everyone), I would just encourage basic respect and not force them to be lovey dovey. It is hard if the older kid ignores the younger one and the younger one is old enough to care. That's mean, but is ignoring worse than being picked on?

She's 15! Why on earth would she care about a 4 year old? When I was 15 I wanted to be as far away from little kids as possible unless I was being paid to babysit. If my mom had a baby when I was 11, I would have loved it for about 2 years and then just been OVER it! Teenagers are SO into themselves. They are not usually known for being incredibly helpful or loving to much younger siblings. Anyone having an age difference like this between kids shouldn't ever expect them to be close. It may happen someday, but it's not likely.

I am 13 years older than my sister...I was in the same boat. I didn't flat out ignore my little sister when I was a teenager, but I really didn't spend much time with her. I think it was just the age gap & being a teenager not wanting to spend time with a baby/little kid. When she was about 5 or 6, I was given the responsibility of watching her for a few hrs a few days a week & that helped us to get to "know" each other, but by that time I had already graduated high school, so I was more open to spending time w/her, though still not much b/c of college & working 2 P/T jobs. Overall though, our conversations kind of felt forced when we were younger & we really didn't talk in a close sisterly way until she was out of high school.. Now we talk about so many more things we never used to on a personal level & found out how much we really have in common in terms of likes, dislikes, personality, etc...We have a good relationship now....

Im 7 years older then my brother and sister (twins). When I was 15-16 I really didn't enjoy them much. At 16 I actually wanted to move out of my house bc of them. I was made to watch after them after school. We all had chores to do and if they weren't done I wasn't aloud to leave the house so I would end up doing all the chores and clean their rooms just so I could leave. They learned quickly how to refuse to listen to me and I couldn't do anything about it but do their responsibilites. I think if that wasn't the case we wouldn't have fought so much but we also wouldn't have interacted much either. I think it's normal behavior for a teen to be annoyed or uninterested in younger siblings. I will tell you that now Im 27 and my brother and sister are 20 and we love each other so much!! We love hanging out and joking with each other and I actually miss them terribly when they are away at college! My sister actually just announced to the family last weekend that she is going to be spending next semester in Thailand studing thru a program with her college. I held back the tears until I was home but Im so sad that I won't see her for those 4 months :( and will miss her 21st bday!