Teen Pregnancy

Hi A., It is such a heavy situation. I found out I was pregnant my senior year in high school. I was with a long term boy friend that I did not want to spend forever with. I chose to put the baby up for adoption. It was a humbling heart breaking experience. And if I step back and look at the big picture It really helped me to grow as a person.I am willing to talk to you or your daughter about this. I am not super religious and definitely pro choice.My decision was just what I felt I could live with. Good luck, D.

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Hi A.,
My advice is to find your nearest Planned Parenthood. Although many think of them as 'just an abortion clinic' their name says it all, and they can help the teen by providing information on adoption options, pregnancy termination, and also get her checked for STDs, which may be a good idea. Best of luck!

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It really depends upon the response of your daughter and her feelings. What are her feelings towards being pregnant? I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant. I chose to abort. I knew that there was no way I could be a mother at 19. I received a lot of criticism from friends, my boyfriend (at the time) his family, but to this day do not regret my decision.(There are other options such as adoption.) My parents supported me in whatever choice I was going to make. They were not happy, I knew, but not once did they come down on me or criticize me, they loved me and were there for me 100%, whatever I decided.

From my prespective on being pregnant at 19, the only advice that I can give you is to support your daughter, give her love, help to guide her. Her mind is probably going crazy right now, she is unsure of herself, her feelings and what to do. The only thing that you can do is to support what decision she makes. Being angry at her is not going to help, you will only alienate her, get her to open up, talk to you and then work as a family together.

I wish you the best, I know it is not easy as I saw my parents go through what you are now going through and it is not easy for your daughter either.

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I have been on two different sides of this situation. My sister was pregnant at the age of 14. She kept the baby and my family and I supported her desicion.
I am also the proud parent of an beautiful 2 year old girl as a result of an adoption from a pregnant teen.
In my opion the birth mother of my daughter made the right decision. Although she had the support of her family, she made the decision that she was not prepared to be a mother and she wanted the best for her baby. While it was a hard decision to make, she feels that she made the right decision for the baby. We have a semi open adoption with the birth mom. We send her updates w/ pictures.
I am always willing to discuss my personal experiences, so please feel free to contact me privately.

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I myself was pregnant at 15. It was extremely difficult telling my parents because we were so involved in church and I was afraid how it would look to everyone in the congregation if their worship leader (my mother) had a pregnant teen. At first there was a lot of shouting and crying, but once reality set in the biggest help was that my family AND my church supported me in whatever my decision was. I had decided to keep my baby until my brother sat me down and asked me what my future plans were to take care of myself and my baby. He also told me to rememeber that my life wasn't just about me and what I wanted anymore. It was now about what was best for my baby. I realized that my parents would most likely end up taking care of my baby since the father and I were both so young and that wasn't what I wanted. After a lot of thinking and tears I decided on adoption. I went through a christian agency and was able to pick the parents I wanted to raise my child. I also made sure that I chose parents that were ok with open adoption. I couldn't stand the thought of never seeing my baby again. So, 14 years later my daughter is a beautiful, well loved, well adjusted teen. We have a fantastic relationship and she is close to my other 3 children whom she refers to as her brothers and sister. We even got to have her go with us on a family vacation for the 1st time this last summer. I do know this is not always the norm. There has to be an agreement between the adoptive parnets and birth mother as to the degree of openess in the adoption. While I am a big advocate of adoption I also know that not all girls can handle it. It was definetely the worst pain my heart has EVER had to handle. Yes, it still hurts, but it is easier to bear since she is in my life and I can call her, email her, text her, and we have visits every month or 2. I even had to write myself a letter and bring it to the hospital with me to remind myself why I was choosing adoption. On the flip side, a friend of mine got pregnant a year after I did and kept her daughter. She is still married to the father and they are a very happy and strong family. I do know that isn't the norm in these cases though. Whatever your daughter decides to do, above all please support her and let her know how much she is loved. I know that my decision was right for me and for my baby, but it is not right for everyone. I'll be praying for you.

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A.,

Contact The Pregnancy Counseling Center in Santa Rosa. They can help address all your concerns, choices etc. and support for your family during this time. They are very compassionate and very informative.

M.

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My sister went through this when she was a teen and she decided not to have it. My parents were very supportive, comforting so as to no make this a traumatizing experience for her. Be loving and supportive no matter what you decide. She is very happy now with two children, and BA degree and a wonderful job. God Bless you and your daughter!

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I would highly recommend that you (and your teen if she's willing) go to a nearby Pregnancy Care Center (or sometimes they're called Community Pregnancy Centers . . . depends on what city you're in). They offer *wonderful* free counseling (as many sessions as needed/desired), free pre-natal care if needed, and on-going physical support (baby clothes, strollers, etc.)if the teen decides to keep her baby. I used to work with teen moms in East Palo Alto - if you're near EPA, there's a great organization there that offers parenting classes and other services to teen moms - see their website at www.newcreationhome.org. Feel free to email me directly if you want more information about services for teen moms - there's a lot offered and I know it can sometimes be overwhelming.

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If you live in the San Jose Area, the Broadway Young Families Program offers daycare for the child while the student continues to go to continuing education.

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Hi A.,

I got pregnant at 17. It was the first week of my senior year of high school, I was pregnant September to June. I graduated and walked to get my diploma as all my other class mates six days after giving birth. I did most of my finals in the hospital after the delivery. A little background, I always had good grades, always played sports, already was accepted to a college I really wanted to go to...and BAM..the plans changed. Not every teen mother has to go on welfair, get WIC, live with parents etc etc. I moved out on my own with her father when I was 18, graduated with a 4.0, and now have a thriving 9 year old. I am no advocate for teen pregnancy, but I guess my message to you is to make you aware that not all teen mothers have to be a part of statistics. I was lucky enough to have a supportive Mother who coached and guided me through the hard parts and was happy and cryed with me during the amazing parts. I never collected welfair or WIC. Her father and I split when she was 9 months. I moved out on my own, worked two jobs and she has always gone to private school. her Dad and i never went to court, I don't squeeze him for money. He pays exactly half of her expenses, schooling, clothes, etc. He picks her up from school Mon and Wed and brings her home at bed time and spends everyother weekend with her. It took a few years, but we have successfully Co-Parented for years...with our occasional differences in opinion. Have hope it can work out...think positivly, not "oh God, her life is over"..it's not. It's just taken a different turn. No I did not get to go to college...YET..but i will. Support her, guide her, LOVE her no matter what. Smile with her, cry with her..be excited with her. There comes a point when you can't force her to do what you want. You can only support her decisions and hope they work out. I did not always make the choices my Mom wanted me to, and believe me, she let me know it!! But in the end, she knew it was my choice and all she could do was support my decisions. I could not have raised the wonderful little girl I have without my Mom. Her wisdom and guidance when i was lost was my savior. She was my crutch, shoulder, and biggest fan...be that for her...

my good thoughts are with you through this very hard time..

D. :)

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Dear A., I would like to refer to:

www.first5kids.org - check the Family Partners Program to see if they have anything to help.

Good luck to you and your daughter - God Bless your family. All will be well. :o)

hi A.,
How are you? i hope you are felling alittle better now you know i had my son when i was 17 i still lived with my dad at first he was very mad. i decided that the best thing to do was get away from him and let him have his own space so i left to my ants how's then after a couple of days i went home and had a long talk with him i told him that i did not want to be with the baby's dad becuse he was not good to me but i told him that if he wanted me to leave then i would she told me that he was very dissapointed in me and that hurt so much but he told me that he was going to support me in what ever i decided to do so i stayed home and my dad has helped me so much so what i am tryin to get to here is that if you have a pregnant child or relative then stay by him/ her side becuase that person needs you so much, keep this in mind if you don't help them then no one is and they can only count on you.
p.s i hope the best for you and your family.

I haven't been through this but I have seen it up close. I went to a highschool where there seemed to be a real problem with teen pregnancy (I was good friends with 5 or 6 girls that went through this and knew several more.) The only real advice I can give is that you need to respect your daughter's decision (even if it goes against your better judgement or religious beliefs.) I knew two girls that were forced by their parents into choices they didn't want (one forced to have an abortion the other forced to give the baby up for adoption.) In each case this started a downward spiral in their lives that was lifethreatening (drugs, STDs and seriouly dangerous behavior.)

Give your daughter all the love and support you can muster. No matter what she does this will affect the rest of her life. I wish you all the best and hope that you and your family find the strength you need to get through this together.

I highly recommend going to Community Pregnancy Center. There are three in Mountain View, San Jose and East San Jose. They are free and very supportive, even offering medical assistance and physical support. God bless you in this difficult time...their is grief, but life as well!

I think the day our teenage daughter told us she was pregnant was one of the craziest days of my life. After it sank in, we hit the road running. The one thing I can tell you is that there is nothing better in this world than a great support system. I understand the feeling of being angry and frustrated, but as a Mom you are really going to be needed now. We were able to find parenting classes and other support groups through her doctor and social services. We did not pressure her into doing the right thing as some people call it and marry the father. Babies having babies is tough enough without all of that extra pressure. We were there for her and gave her all of the love and attention she needed, while making it very clear that this was her baby and even though we would always be there for her she was the Mommy and she would be raising her son, who by the way is an awesome 4 year old and the joy of this Nanies life. There are alot of alternatives such as adoption if this is what you feel would be right for your family. Don't rush into any decisions. Communicate with each other and get everything out on the table and in the open. Discuss all of the possibilities and really take some time to think things through. This is not a time for quick decisions by anyone. Best of luck to you and your family. You will all make it through this.

Hi A.,

I'm going to assume you are the mother of the daughter who is pregnant. I was 20 and unmarried when I got pregnant with my son. I've also had a few cousins that got pregnant in their teens. It's been 18 years since then and we are all married with more kids and pretty happy and successful in our lives. So just for your peace of mind, things will also work out for your daughter.

Right now, it's disappointing for you. You had hopes and dreams for your daughter and now you think those are gone. They really aren't. It will just be a bit harder and things may move a bit slower with a child. But if she really wants to complete her schooling and go onto college she can do it.

You didn't give a lot of info about your situation but I can imagine that your daughter is probably very scared right now and she really needs your love and support. Has she made a decision on whether or not to continue the pregnancy? If she is keeping the baby, will the father support the child? What about the other family? There are so many facets to this situation it's hard to give advice without knowing a bit more.

The bottom line is, it is not the end of the world if your daughter is pregnant. It does make her life and yours significantly harder. The joy of a baby is unquestionable but as moms, we all know the challenges that baby will bring. But God does not give us a cross that we cannot bear. The best advice I can give is to try not to be mad at your daughter. She is going to be responsible for a life now and you'll have to help her learn how to be mentally ready to deal with that. If you'd like to talk more about my own experiences as a young, unmarried mom, please send me a note.

Good luck and God bless you.

My best friend had her first son at 16. It was a really hard time for her family and her... She kept her son (he's 18!) and was a wonderful mom after a rather rocky start. She chose to marry his dad, but had a lot of support from her mother, which was vital. She went into a pregnant teen high school program, which helped her learn parenting skills.

I am also friends with a family who adopted recently and another friend who has been waiting for a child for 2 years. I can honestly say that both families are/would be outstanding parents. The ones who just got their son are amazing with him, and he is already completely attached to them. I believe adoption is a wonderful thing and is truly a selfless act.

I wish you strength and peace as you deal with this situation. Hugs.

hi, i feel for you and know just how it is . my daughter had her first baby at 14, second at almost 16 and it was real trying. i just took each day 1 at a time and we all helped with the raising. it is hard to say what you should do because each person feels different about things but you just have to remember that love has to be your foremost priority and the baby has to become number 1.
in addition i am now raising my grandson from the same daughter. he is 2. good luck and bless you.
D.

I was a pregnant teen 10 years ago. If you want to message privately I would love to talk to you about your teen. =)

It is crazy to me how people in this post tell you things such as "don't let her have an abortion" and such pointed bits of advice as that.

I am not saying that having an abortion is the best option--the best option for your stepdaughter is for HER to do what SHE feels comfortable with and what her heart and mind guide her to do. No one can tell her what her choice should be, only she knows that. Whether that is keeping the baby, giving it up for adoption or terminating the pregnancy. Even at such a young age, those decisions are hers to make and no one else.

That said, having become a mother at 16 years old, I hope that you are going to sit her down and have a very frank discussion with her about exactly how her life is going to be impacted. That will be a little challenging, because she is a teenager and will look at things through a very idealistic mindset--she will believe that the "woes" of every other mother in the world do not apply to her; she'll believe that she will be that one girl who will beat the odds--and who knows, maybe she will.

One thing you can bet for certain. If she raises this baby herself, her life will be equally as full of joy as it will be full of challenges. I remember when I told my mom at 16 that I was pregnant. She said to me "I just didn't want your life to be as hard as mine was." I totally did not get what she meant then, but now after 15 years... I GET IT! Your teen will get it one day soon too.

Best of luck to you. Keep loving her and supporting her no matter what!

I'm 37 now and have 3 girls ages 18, 16 & 13. I got pregnant at 15 and my mom, grandma and the father made me have an abortion & I never got over the trauma of the ordeal although I understand it may have been the better decision. I had my 1st daughter when I was 18 didn't finish school (or anything after). I've been blessed that they were healthy and "easy" babies. I had great child care centers & understanding jobs. I think Jaye S. is so right on here, but there is more that needs to be said. the babies grow up eventually. Teens are not fun. A lot of my daughters friends are having or have had babies and I talk with them. I think the best thing is for you to give your daughter all the understanding you as a mother can possibly give. She needs you now more than she will ever need you again. Please feel free to contact me anytime. I or my daughter and I'm sure her friends who've just gone through this will be willing to help in any way we can.

My advice is to love and help your daughter get through this, and please don't consider abortion!
There are social service agencies and church counselors everywhere available to help. If marriage to the father isn't a good option, then the baby should be placed with a family with a mother and father and the resources to raise it.
I had two cousins who got pregnant just out of high school. Both of their families supported them in their decisions. One kept the baby, married the father a year later, then divorced the father a year or two after that. She is still trying to pay the hospital bills from the delivery, plus dealing with the emotional trauma of the divorce, and her situation will have life-long-lasting effects on her son. My other cousin gave the baby up for adoption. She knew she was sending the baby to a place she would be wanted and cared for and loved by a mom and a dad. My cousin went on to finish college and start a career. Later she married a great guy and has another baby with him, and she's doing great.
You have to consider what is best for the baby.

I too was a teen mom and now am 34 with two more children. My teen just graduated from highschool, is attending college classes and working. So it is possible to raise a happy healthy person even when starting as a teen. I am happy to talk with either of you. Email me privetly and I can give you my number.
:-)W.

I would try very very hard to gently convince her to have the baby and let a family who is ready and full of love raise the baby. Then she can continue her teen life and beyond without the guilt that people talk about when the pregnancy is terminated.

All the best to you-

Hi A..

You have so many comments that I didn't read them, but if nobody else has suggested these, there are two excellent options out there. First you should discuss with her whether she wants to raise the baby with help from you, or chose adoption. Either way, call Community Pregnancy Center or Herritage Home. Both give excellent counseling and care. Then you should decide if she is going to live at home and continue school or if she will be home schooled. Herritage Home is a home in downtown San Jose which offers help with school. They provide room and board, plus counseling and parental training or adoption services.

I think if she wants to raise the baby, you will probably end up giving a lot of help. Are you ready for that? If you opt for adoption, you can now chose the adoptive parents. I'm sorry this is so hard. I think in time you will find that it isn't as bad as you think, and the baby will actually be a blessing.

Hi A.,

Are you the pregnant teen or the mama? You say "frustrated, angry and lost"...and I am not sure which you are...I have not been a pregnant teen, but was married to a man whose mom was only fourteen when she had him...I would be happy to share more with you my insights and offer support, if you would like to email me personally.

This can be a painful and frighting time and the best words of wisdom I can probably give are these - if you are the mom - your daughter is terrified and needs her mother to love her and comfort her now. She messed up - we all do at some point in our lives. Remember you are angry etc becuase you LOVE her so much and want more for her...If you are the pregnant teen, seek couseling before you make any decisions. Your body is your own to do what is right for you - and so is your heart and your soul. Think about how to go forward very carefully and reach out to people who will love and support you unconditionally - because you need and deserve that support right now.
I wish you the best.

My parents adopted all three of my brothers out of the foster care program. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

My best advice is to pray. Any choice that is made will be tough. Pray for the baby, for her, for him, for you and for right people to come into your lives that will be able to help.

Another resource for you that offers counseling in your time of need...

LDS Social Services
1–800–537–2229

You can find a little more about them on the web at http://www.providentliving.org/ses/birthmother/wecanhelp/...

They have local offices in San Jose and Concord, and more.

May you find the right path for you! Just don't give up hope.

Hi A., I too got pregnant as a teen, I was 17 and a jr. in high school. It was a very hard time for me, and my mom who was a single parent of three kids! When I initially told my mom, she EXPLODED! Fortunately for the both of us, we had a great support system, the babies father (now my husband) was older and already out of high school and VERY SUPPORTIVE which helped tremendously! His family was and is still great & help any time we need it! I wanted to share with you that just because your daughter is pregnant doesn't mean she has to give up her life or dreams, I went to school everyday, took night classes & was home schooled for one month when I initially had my baby....I graduated high school on time w/my class & walked that all important STAGE to receive my diploma! I put myself through business college while working and raising my child, and now have a career that I am proud of. I did it with a TON of support and help from not only my mom but my husbands parents! But I want to emphasize that me and my husband worked our butts off to financially raise our child, it was our responsibility and that was made clear to us from day one! Today we have three children and are very open with our oldest, who is now 10 years old, to make her aware of the struggles we faced with having children young. Its not easy, AT ALL, but with love, understanding, and support you all will get through this. Let your daughter decide what is the best choice for her, talk to her about the 2am feedings, about all that she will be up against in having a child as a child, and that regardless of her choice you will be there to help and support her. Good Luck! My thoughts are with you and your daughter!

Hello A., I'm not sure if you are the one who is pregnant or if you are the mother of a pregnant teen but I myself was once a pregnant 15 year old, I had my daughter when I was 16 and got pregnant again when I was 18. LONG story. Anyway, if the advice you have already gotten isn't enough you can always email me to chat.

A., yes, I've been where you are. There is help. Whether you are the teen or you are the mother of the teen, you need to get some real support from people who care. Bethany Christian Services is a reputable resource. You can find them online at bethany.org/modesto or 800-BETHANY. There is a counseling office in Modesto if you live close. If not, call them and they can refer you to FREE resources near you. Don't despair. You are cared about and you can make it through this!

I have not dealt with it but I know if I did have to I would be upset for the lack of responsibility that was shown as well as what we have taught as far as waiting for marriage but your teen needs support and love through it to make her decision on keeping the pregnancy or whatever her decision is. She needs to inderstand if you are willing to help her care for the baby if she stays in school etc.

I have not personally dealt with the situation. My advice is to seriously consider adoption to a family desperately wanting a child that can offer both a mother and father in a stable and mature environment. It is a heartwrenching yet selfless decision that puts the baby's needs first. I have many friends that have adopted and it has been such a blessing for them. They all have open adoptions so they meet the birth mother because she picked them. The open adoption requires adoptive parents to send pictures and updated info. to the birth mother for a specified duration of time. Good luck and God Bless!

Hello, I'm sure this is shocking news, but take on thing at a time.... first, do NOT let her get an abortion, there are plenty of people wanting to adopt and a baby is a gift from God, please remember that!! It may have been an accident on her part, but God doesn't make accidents!! There are lots of resources out there, I see you have some good suggestions already and there is also a program called WIC (Women, Infants and Children) for low-income that provides milk, cheese, eggs, carrots, cereal and stuff like that for the pregnant mom and then when she has the baby she gets all that, plus formula, baby food, etc. Look in your county pages and you should have one in your area, they are all over. Really just support her, she made a bad choice, but let's not ponder on it, try to "take action" and be all the help you can. She can always do independent study until she is ready to go back to school, to keep up on her credits, so she will be on-track to graduate. Remember, she is still a teenager and doesn't think like us adults, so you will have to guide her and teach her what she needs to do, please, please, whatever you do, do NOT let her get an abortion. I will be praying for her and you and your family on this special blessing. Take care and God bless.