Teen Mom on the Run

Hi, I also was in the same situation a few years back. My daughter got pregnant at 16! She had the baby at 17, and another less than 12 months later. She kind of ran away from home for like a year or so. I mean, she was always around but never around if you know what I mean. Now she's 22 years old with a 4 and a 3 year old. Hard, granted, but she's handling so very well. I'm so very proud of her. I see my granddaughters all the time. The worst thing was when they lived with us. Because she didn't work and went out at night. I was 'stuck' with the babies at night. I get up at five in the morning so I was always mad at her for keeping me up so late. And then she would sleep all day and let the babies go crazy in the house. I would come home to a mess, this created huge problems between my husband and myself. Anyhoo, long story short, now she's with a wonderful man who loves her and her girls. He has been the greatest influence on her. I'm so happy for them. So things do have a happy ending! (Funny thing is, now she is a better housekeeper than I am)

Keep the door always open hun. I am so very VERY sorry. And if she comes home, just love on her! She and the baby will need all the support you can give.

A.,
I was a teen age mother also, and also left home to raise my own child. I am now 41, and although I can't deny that it was QUITE a struggle with constant financial issues during the initial years, I am now 41 years old, still single, with 2 children, gainfully employed, and a homeowner. All without an ounce of help from my family.
My oldest son faced some trouble in his teen years and I do carry a bit of regret that the instability of our early lives together had contributed to that, but lie any other teenager he eventually came out of it and now at 21 is learning to become his own independent, productive young man.
You have received some good advice. No one can tell another woman how to raise her children, regardless of how young a new mother is. Maternal instinct is strong, and although your intentions are good and you really want to help her, it sounds to me like she may be feeling threatened by your help, and she is doing exactly what she should... protecting her role as mother as any momma bear would... fiercely!!! :-)
In looking at her actions from that point of view... Bravo for her!!! She has taken a critical step in motherhood.
It will be hard for her. She will need financial help, help in understanding how to navigate the world, help in setting up a home, and help in creating a vision for how she can mother this child while still building towards a productive adult life for herself. This will be hard because while doing this, she will still be very tempted by all the things that her friends are still doing - going out and having fun. It is a conflict in priorities that is very difficult to reconcile, and again, I am speaking this because I know it. I lived it. There is no shame in pointing her towards the AFDC, Food Stamps, Medical, and Subsidized housing resources that can help her provide for herself and her child until she is more on her feet. I'm sure you and your husband have paid more than your fair share of taxes to provide for programs such as these. There are employment training programs at the ESO office on Old Oakland Road, and the Santa Clara County Regional Occupation Center, and through the local Center for Employment Training (CET) offices. She can qualify for and recieve free daycare while she goes to school. Call the Santa Clara County Childcare Council (Commonly known as "4C's") and ask for referals to subsidized infant care facilities in your area. Go to the Department of Housing and Urban Development website and pull up the listing of subsidized apartments in the County, print the list, and have her go door to door and apply. She'll be on a waiting list for a while, but once she's up she can have a place of her own that she can afford. I utilized all of these programs for 2 years while I went to school after having my son. That is what they are there for. Once I had gotten through my schooling, got a job, and stayed with the job long enough to feel stable in it, I left these programs voluntarily, began paying my own way (including the $4,000 a month I currently pay in income tax!!! So yes! I WAS entitled to receive some help from welfare!!!), and I've never turned back.
Please feel free to contact me directly if you need additional information on some of these resources I've provided.
As to what you can do in the immediate situation... I would encourage you to just let her know that you love her, let her know that you want her to succeed, give her some information on some of the ways she can do it, let her choose which paths she'll want to take, and ask her what you can do to help her.
Best wishes to you, your step-daughter, and your brand new grandchild!!!
Bringing a new life into this world, no matter what circumstances that child comes into this world under is precious, and is never outside of the grace and provision of God.

Hello A.: I believe that you have recieved several good judgements from others. I just want to share information from a view of a foster parent. We were blessed to have several teenagers that lived with us from time to time. My husband and I also took in newborns that were being placed for adoption. Once a child is apart of the picture, it is all about them not the parent(s), only the child is the center of the world and focus. That is reality.
Since you believe she is a decent parent, none of this information may be helpful. I have seen several teen parents that use their child as a weapon so that they can manipulate the people around them. The young parent wants to still have some fun and not have their parents telling them that they now have to be responsible& that those days are over; or they find friends that think it is cute to have a baby around and then reality sets in and they move on and the parent and child have no place to live. I learned fast that we never gave any cash for any reason. If there was abill then we might consider if the young parent was willing to work it off -- sometimes yard work, paint a room etc. That gave them a chance for pride and we saw if they were serious. We were willling to help with food for the child, as well- note I said child not parent(s). My husband has always made it clear to our birth and all of our foster children that there is always room for a child here but we might not take in the parent if they are not seriously working to make something of themselves and a life for the child. As a math teacher he once gave an assignment for a young mom that has a child- the father has dropped from sight- no cash from the dad- and the cost of diapers, food, day care, clothes and rent they had to figure out the costs, and show what it takes to raise that child alone. Several students over the years have sid that it made adifferance for them and decisions they make.
I know that you are soncerned about the safety of the child-- both children actually and that is part of the manipulation. There is no good answer to your problem and not a solution that can help unless you can get your daughter to agree. She is aware of the pain she is causing and aware of the power that she has. Now you have to hope that you can be there to always pick up the pieces and provide a haven for your grandchild. I pray that you will find some peace just knowing they are safe. Nana G

Is the baby in a safe place right now? If so, then let the situation resolve itself.

If the baby is not in a safe place, then you should do whatever you need to do to get the baby into a safe situation. My cousin did something similar when her baby was born - moved into a place with some friends. Come to find out that several of these "friends" were selling drugs out of this house, and my cousin was using them. (When she's sober, she's a great mom - when she's high... not so much!) Her parents acted immediately by hiring a private detective. He had as much evidence as they needed in only 4 hours, conclusively proving that drug deals were happening in that house. My aunt/uncle confronted their daughter with this information and told her they would call CPS and the police if she didn't hand over the baby immediately. She did. They eventually gained permanent full custody of the baby and adopted him. I sincerely hope this isn't the case with your daughter, but just wanted to let you know how my aunt and uncle went about it - just in case.

Bottom line, you just need to make sure that your grandbaby is safe! If so, then none of the other stuff matters!

You need to let her know that your door is always open, that you love her, and that she doesn't have to be on her own. Do your best to help her get an education so that she can take care of herself. Let her know that you will help with childcare. That said, you've got to let her make her own choices, however bad they are, because you can't really stop her. If you feel she is not capable of caring for the baby, you need to get in touch with child protective services and sue for custody.

This is a tough situation. But if you think the child is not safe you have an obligation to act. My mom and my aunt were both teen moms. Ok in my case not so ok for my cousins. My aunt never grew up. It has been like watching a 35 year train wreck. 5 children with 4 fathers. Only one has any kind of normal life. The others have made really bad choices right in line with their mom's, often even worse. My aunt could be a caring mom, but often it was like an inmate ruling the asylum.

It may be that your SD will be like my mom, mature for her age (still very immature by adult standards). My mom did her best. But so did my dad and his family. I also had a lot of adults to depend on.

Hi A.,

I am 41 and have two lovely children with my husband, and I know many times I feel my parents and in-laws are being too controlling and making me crazy. I can just imagine how a 17 year old with troubles would feel, especially living under her parents' roof who feel she needs to be shown the proper way to care for a baby. I know it's all good intentions, but a mother's instincts are very strong and she needs to be given the chance to learn on her own, of course with intervention if she is doing something dangerous to herself or the baby.

I agree with the other posts that you just need to be patient and loving and try to get her a message to come home. She no doubt is better off with you, but please try to put yourself in her shoes and try not to be too controlling. It will only drive her away. Do things to make her feel special apart from the baby.

This is a very common problem and the bottom line is, "The baby is not yours." I was once told if there is something to report to CPS, do it, or else it is not your business.
I know it is heartbreaking. She really needs you more than you need her and usually they will come back.
F.

I know you must be worried sick. If you know where she is and can make contact, you might want to start out by acknowldging that you probably did come off as too controlling to her. Even if it didn't seem like controlling to you, I'm sure you will be able to recognize some areas where your actions would have seemed that way to a 17 year old young mother. Once you've basically apologized for being controlling, you might have a chance to talk with her and get some 'ground rules' set up that will allow her to want to return to your home until she's better established to be on her own. Or perhaps you can help her find a small place for her and the baby that is nearby so she can feel she is on her own but still have you close enough to give her assistance when she needs it.

If the baby wasn't in the picture, I'd simply be telling you to give her some space and she'll find one day that she needs you and come back. But with a small infant to think of, my suggestion is that you at least do what you can to assure yourself that they are both OK.

If she did this TO hurt people, using the baby as a weapon, then that's uncontionable. If she did this because she needs to try on her own, then let her. Let her know you are ALWAYS here for her if she needs anything, and let her succeed on her own terms. This will make her the best Mom and will make you the best Grandma.

When I was pregnant my mother made me feel the same way and I wasn't living with her at the time. She always said, "Do it this way!" before I had a chance to ask for help. My mother in law was much easier to deal with as she came over and helped clean the house and wasn't pushy about anything. She waited for me to ask her for help. When I got frustrated with something and cried out for help she was there with advice that I could take or not.

I was lucky to have had a place of my own so I could just tell my mom she couldn't come over for months at a time because she would raise my blood pressure and drove me crazy. I know a new baby is exciting but it's overwhelming when your mother goes into nesting mode and sort of takes over being "the MOM". I felt overshadowed and pushed aside after the birth of my first child. Mom said she was only helping but she was taking over and not including me. Things have gotten much better now as my baby is almost three but I really wanted to run away myself that first year. I asked my husband if Canada was an option. He said no.

Also, when I was little we had a cat that gave birth to kittens in the laundry room. We set up a little bed down there for her to suckle her babies but we were so excited about their arrival that we "checked in on her" far too often. One day we went to the room to find mama kitty and all the babies missing. Apparently we were around a little too often and mama kitty took her babies and hid them under my sister's bed.

Just something to think about.

The issue here is the well-being of the baby. If you think she is a good mom, let her go until she wants help. Susan R. had some excellent suggestions for her, if you can get them to her.

If you think you know who she might be in contact with and can let her know through this person that you would like to talk about her feelings, and that she can talk to you when she feels ready, maybe that could help...Hopefully she is safe!
You write that you are frustrated, helpless, lost, etc. Maybe she feels that way too.
I went back to your old post and you had said that she had low self-esteem---I assume this was a contributing factor to her pregnancy. Also, maybe the "controlling" behavior she thinks she perceives gives her the feeling she isn't good enough to do it by herself. Maybe this is the only thing she has ever had "by herself", and maybe she felt like (with all the attention on the baby) it was becoming less "hers" and more yours, with her on the outside, not needed or wanted.
Just ideas---I don't even know her. = )
I doubt that she is intentionally trying to hurt/punish you or her dad...I suspect she is just hurting inside, and needs some time. Try to be really NON-judgmental, and just listen when she talks, and be patient.

From one mom to another, my heart goes out to you. I did notice one thing you said, though, that "she IS a good mom but still immature." When you say the word "but" after a positive statement it totally negates the positive part. Those it is directed to tend to only hear the last part which was that she is "still immature". Which may only make her want to prove you wrong. Though I totally understand where your worries are coming from and hope that I never have to go through what you're going through with my own daughter....I can't help but wonder, are you portraying the same thoughts to her that I got from you?
Maybe if you portrayed that you are very proud of her for taking on such a permanent, challenging, rewarding responsibility. And that, you still are her mother and, proudly, hold the same responsiblity with she as your daughter. And that it is your mission in life to make sure that she is comfortable and taken care of; at least until she gets on her feet and is financially comfortable and safe enough to leave the solitude of her own home so soon. And to please come home so that she is comfortable; and that when she (the mother) is trully comfortable, settled, and feels secure, so is/does the baby. Which makes life easier on the both of them. And that's all you want for her, is an easier life.
Good luck and I hope that helps....i'll pray that she see's through her anger/stubbornness to hear,see and understand your concerns.
Sincerely,
S. :)

Hi A.-
I was 18 when I had my first child almost 13 years ago. based on my experience as a young mom she is probably terrified and needs to feel suppported. You say she is a good mom then you need to trust that she'll do what is right for her baby even if it is not exactly as you would do things (as long as baby is safe). It sounds like she took the baby away from you knowing that is how she could hurt or "get back at you" for what ever she is resentful for. You and her father need to just be there for her and love her for her and do whatever you can to show her she is loved and supported if that is how you feel. that must be a very difficult situation for your family but try to see things from her point of view also. If however the baby is in any danger you need to do what you can to ensure the safety of that child. good luck
S.

Hi A.,

I wouldn't do anything but pray. As hard as it will be, you've got to be strong.

She is the mom, and yes she is only 17, but this was her choice to act like an adult.....let her. Let her enter into the world of discovery of caring for a little baby without the love and support of her family.

She'll be back.

~N. :O)

A.,

Sorry to hear about your family situation~ I would encourage you to love her and offer her your support unconditionally. If you know of a mutual friend/family member that could give her a message, I would tell her that you love her and want her to come home with the baby.

Get some support for you as well--- talk to a pastor, friend, etc. and get support for you and what you are going through too!

Take care,

Molly

I would apologize for being so controlling and back off. Tell her you know she is a good Mom and respect her judgment. Tell her the door always open if and when she would like to visit. You miss her. (not just the baby as she made that clear with all the focus on the baby).
AND NO SHE IS NOT HURTING EVERYONE AT HOME. Cut the drama. That is a lot of guilt to dump on a new young MOM. She will grow up with her child. Lots of young Mom's do that. The kids turn out fine. Whether you and your family are blessed to be part of that is up to how you treat your step-daughter. Loosing the guilt would be a great start. Tell her everyone at home is fine and misses her and would she like to come over for her favorite meal.
GOOD LUCK

I understand what you are going through. My daughter got pregnat at 17 - she was 18 when the baby was born - and 19 when she graduated from high school and then moved out. She moved into a friends house (who is still living with her parents). She yells about being independent and is just as dependent on them as she was on us.

We have decided to take the baby to Church on Sunday and for several hours a couple days a week when she will let us. This way we can ensure that the baby is safe and okay.

I suggest if you can find out where she is and try to communicate with her. Do not critize but tell her that you what to help her when she needs you. Ask her to she the baby and if she does not want to be around you, try to see the baby alone or in a neutral place.
The only thing you can do is to try to LOVE her back which means doing alot of things on her terms.

She looking for space. If you get in touch with her again, maybe you could offer to set her up in your backyard in a small travel trailer. At least you would know she was safe.

Lea her alone and her do whatever it is she is going to do. She will realize soon enough that she needs and misses you. My daughter did the same thing when she had her first baby at age 16. I made the mistake of begging her to come home which made her believe she was in control, which I guess she was because I was afraid of her taking the baby and not letting me see him. I have since learned that she would have come back on her own and without the controlling attitude had I just left things alone. It took a long time for me to realize that and she pulled her little stunts with taking the baby from me time and time again until I finally said okay, take him and go. See 'ya. it wasn't long before she was back and hasn't done it since. They just need to know that they don't control you and that you will not play their game and make them "think" that they aren't hurting you the way they are hoping to hurt you. hang in there. It will take a while, but she'll get over it. And it won't hurt your relationship one little bit with that baby to be away from him/her for a couple weeks/month.