Teen Driving Policies

My parents set limits about how many people could be in the car as well as set the limits on a friend by friend basis. The general rule in my home growing up was that a new driver could only drive with one other person in the car with them for the first year, with no radio or music, and no food. But that was for the kids deemed responsible enough to follow those limits on their own. There were some people my parents never let drive me, and I really didn't want to ride with them either. At this stage in the game it shouldn't be about setting rules, as teaching your daughter how to make good choices so that whenever she is in the car it is safe situation.

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L.,
A good new driver policy is whatever YOU are comfortable with. I only have a 3 1/2 year old son. But my brother was killed in an accident years ago - and it impacted our family in ways that STILL manifest more than 30 years later. My parenting attitude is this: It's my #1 job to make sure this child is safe and reaches adulthood. He may not like what I choose for him sometimes - but I'll not cave to what other's rules are in other housholds. As in the case with my brother. It is often not the driver that causes the accident. But inexperienced drivers don't have the knowhow to get themselves out of bad situations like older drivers can. We just have to talk to them and let them know our experience and ask that they trust our judgement. I want my son to understand someday why I make these choices so he will have respect for his own life and choose similar things for himself when I'm not around. It's a hard thing for boys who sometimes think they are invincible. And it's hard to let our girls leave in a car with boys who feel that way. Do a gut check - and follow what it tells you is right for your family!! Blessings

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I lost my 18 year old daughter and her best friend a year ago. My daughter lost control of the car on the highway and she went off the road. The car flipped several times and both girls were thrown from the car. Neither one was wearing a seat belt. First, I never thought wearing a seatbelt was questionable and second i will never know what happened. There was a third person whom I did not even know was going with them. He was buckled, and not to take anything away from what he has been thru, but he is ok. I thank God he cannot remember the accident. He is alive and physically ok. Both our families ALWAYS wear our seatbelts, what made the girls choose not to? We will never know. Now, I have to say that she is (was) diabetic and there is a chance that her blood sugar affected her driving. It was fine before they left but high at the accident. That is common, but I just don't know. Could they have been messing around in the car? someone could have grabbed her arm - thrown something up front? Three teenagers in a car is a disaster waiting to happen, not to say it would be the same outcome, I just think it is dangerous. But I know that from experience. I wonder what I would have done had I known a third person was going with them? Would I say no? Maybe sit them down and have a talk with them? It is easy to answer that now, but I just don't know what I would have done back then. Who knows, maybe a bug flew in the car and they were swatting at it. The problem is we will never know and that is how life is. There is always the chance of something so minute causing something devastating. Teenagers do not have the experience to handle sudden situations. They do not have the experience to drive on the highway with rude people who wont let you over and ride up your @##. I know it is a big inconvenience for everyone and there might even be a chance of being made fun of. But better that she be alive and well. These kids get their permits way too young. Even the best kids make mistakes, our girls were good. They volunteered in our community and always helped others. They werent wild and crazy or into drugs or drinking. It was just one big horrible accident. I say always trust your instincts. I have a 14 year old. If I even let her get her permit, she will drive with me and only to the local stores. If she gets her license she will still only drive with me and those are big if's! I dont think I will be able to let her go with any teenage driver. Even if they were just going down the block, the problem is even good kids can make a wrong choice. They could lie and decide to take a quick ride to another place and you would never know. It is their instinct to make their own way and own decisions and that might cause a lapse in judgment, that on top of them thinking they are invincible - bad combiniations even for a good kid! good luck with your choice and hopefully your daughter will understand it is just out of love for her that you do the things you do.

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I like the three-year license policy but wonder if it's too long. She's already 17, and by your rule would not really be solo until she and her friends are 20. Is that right? I can understand your concern now, though. Her boyfriend has had his license for only a few months. That would bother me, also. Especially with all of the reports on the news about teens and car accidents. Just explain to her that he's a cool kid, but he might not have the judgement now to handle an emergency on the road. You all need a little more time to practice without being distracted by laughing friends. About the policy. What if a friend has been driving for a year without incident, is responsible, and meets family approval? And, you're right, it's about setting a policy for the household that the other children will see. So, if you compromise for her now, be prepared to compromise in the very near future, anyway. I like what Zoe wrote. If you sell it as they are responsible so they will be able to ride together sooner than 2 years from now, then that might cause her to feel really good about her behavior and her friend's.

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In addition to the other great ideas that have been mentioned, please make sure that you and she are very aware of the laws for teen drivers. I have a 14 year old boy who is very interested in learning to drive, so I've looked into the laws a little bit already. In VA, teen drivers can only have one other (non-sibling) person in the car with them who is under the age of 18 (I think it is 18 at least). Additionally, no cell phones, no texting, and they can only drive between certain hours of the day unless there is a requirement for work to drive before or after the listed timeframe (I think it is 6am and 10pm, but you should verify that). And of course, always wear a seatbelt!

Your daughter should also be taught to not be afraid to say something to a friend who is driving in an unsafe manner, or ask to be let out of the car if the friend continues with the unsafe driving. Her safety is definitely the most important thing, and she has some responsibility for her safety if she is riding with a teen driver who is acting irresponsibly. Good luck!

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I had a VERY strict father and a VERY lenient mother (divorced) so as a teen I preferred her....BUT I can honestly say that because of my dad I was spared a lot of painful and dangerous situations. She may not love what you are doing, but I applaud you. I plan, when my children are older, to do anything I can to keep them safe. One thing about my dad that stuck with me, often he would change his policies because he said I had shown responsibility...that was the BEST feeling in the world when I received a priv. that I had no idea I could even earn. You can alter your rules as time moves on....things don't have to be set in stone.

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Hi L.. You are a very wise mommy. My oldest is 13 and I have already started thinking about how to protect him from his friend's driving skills (lack of) when they all start driving. I think it is too much on you to have to take your daughter EVERYWHERE when you have a house full of kiddies. Here is what I plan to do in the future.. I think we have to train our kids to be responsible passengers!!! Train your daughter what signs to look for and when to be cautious and ready to guide that steering wheel although she is not driving. What I mean is... cell phones, potato chips (I'm so sorry about that; your cousin), eating in general, emotions,... these are all things that lead to bad driving. In addition, speeding, is a direct way to having accidents. I plan to train my kids to learn to ignore their cell phones when driving. That is even hard for me.. and to pull over to call the person back or ask a friend to get the phone. The bottom line is that I think you should tell her your concerns, which you have already. Train her well and let her go. seatbelts, seatbelts, seatbelts.. and make sure that she is not afraid to tell a friend that they are driving irresponsibly. Role play with her... go into an empty parking lot and do dumb stuff like try to text while driving and role play with her on how to tell her friends not to do stuff like that.. Good luck!!

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Hi L.,
I know exactly how you feel. I was very concerned when my daughter’s good friend started driving. We had a discussion on the dos and don’ts. What was acceptable and what was not.

Make sure that your daughter knows traffic safety (signs, lights, etc.) even though she is not the one driving. Sometimes when you are driving you are not always aware of certain signs, especially younger drivers. It helps to have a passenger who can help read the signs.

One thing that I also found helpful was that my daughter only chose to ride with one friend that was licensed. Normally it would be just the two of them but if anyone else was in the car I had to know about it. I also knew the parents of the young lady my daughter was riding with.

I laid out my rules and if they were not obeyed than the rides would cease. I started off small by allowing my daughter to ride home from school sometimes with her friend. Even then, I told her not to make it an everyday thing. My daughter had to be driven straight home. If stops were to be made, I had to know in advance, where they were stopping and how long they were going to be there. And she was to call me as soon as she got home.

After a while, I felt more comfortable with her riding with her friend. On weekends I still had to know, who, when and where. My daughter’s friend knew my rules as well. We’ve had one incident that resulted in my daughter getting punished. Thankfully it wasn’t a car accident but curfew was broken. After a week of not having my daughter riding with her, the friend felt like she was being punished by me as well. So when they were allowed to ride again, they were more mindful of the curfew and to call if something came up.

Basically you set the rules and make sure your daughter and her boyfriend know what they are. Start off small, him picking her up from somewhere and bringing her straight home. Tell you daughter to choose 2 friends that she feels would be responsible drivers according to the rules that you set.

Even the shortest distance can be hard. However, I pray for their safety and them both making good decisions. Never forget to let your daughter know that she can get out of the car at anytime when she is with a friend who is acting irresponsibly and she can call you to come pick her up. Regardless of what her friends might think about her changing her mind. It’s better to be safe than sorry!! God bless!!

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Though I have yet to experience this myself I believe that you should do what you feel makes sense to you. However, since you feel comfortable with her friends, why not have a conversation with your daughter first about your realistic conerns about her driveing and her driving with her inexperienced friends. She may not make your decision for you but she can help you to come to a decision that both you and she can live with. This is a touchy thing because teens do have more accidents. I had two by the time I was 17 and fortunately both were not life threatening and relatively minor. They do happen.

But I would not worry in the least what other parents are doing. THey are not you and your concerns are REAL. They may not be what I or any one else would feel, but they are based on real things that make you fearful and concerned about your daughter's welfare. I hope you figure out something that you can live with.
A.

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I like what you have to say. Did you know that over 90% of the bad teenage accidents happen when other teenagers are in the car? Better to inconvenience.

I understand and empathize completely with you. My daughter is also 17 and has had her license for about 3 months now. She did behind the wheel and had her permit for 15 months, so she had as much experience as I could squeeze in before she took off on her own. Luckly, living in VA, some of the new driver policies are done for us. No more than one under 18 passenger until driver is 18 or have had their license for a year. At this point, my daughter is allowed to transport friends in town. She must call me once she reaches their destination. Letting her go with other driver's is not something I allow too often. I try to limit it as much as possible. I would require anyone she rides with to have had their license for at least 6 months, I would consider the safety of the vehicle they are driving, the roads they have to take to get where they're going and would require her to phone me once they reach their destination. I also do not let her take her car to girlfriend's homes to spend the night. It sounds like your daughter is as mature and responsible as you would expect a 17 yr old to be, but that doesn't mean they are wise or as prepared for a driving emergency that can only come with experience. I think as moms we are given a sixth sense that kicks in when needed. I think the best we can do is listen to this voice and let it guide us in our decisions in this area. I wish you the best of luck and pray for total safety for your child as she gets her license.

I don't have any teen drivers right now but I'm sure that if you ask any parent of a teen killed in an accident I'm sure they would all say they wished they had stricter driving policies. I definitely agree that she shouldn't be in the car with anyone who hasn't had a liscense for less than a year. Over that if you know the driver has a clean record, know they are responsible, and know they have responsible parents at home I think it would be okay to let her drive with them. She seems like she's old enough and responsible enough that you could have a sit down honest talk with her about your fears and the two of you could work on a driving/passenger policy that you both could feel comfortable with. I wish there were more parents out there that are willing to set boundaries for their children/teens even though it may not be the popular thing with them.

My boy's only 10 right now, but I'm trying to remember how my Mom taught me to drive. At 16, I was not eager to drive. Anyplace I wanted to go in town I could get there riding my bike. First, Mom took me to an empty parking lot so I could get use to how the car felt and how to maneuver it. I practiced parking in a spot, and then Mom let me drive us home (it was less than a mile away, on a country road, with no traffic). After that, whenever we went to the super market, my Mom would make me drive (she was with me every time), and I'd park way out on the edge of the lot at first where there were hardly any cars, but eventually I was good with parking anywhere. And sometimes she'd send me to the store by myself to get her a few things. Gradually, I got use to more crowded traffic situations. On a few long driving trips, she's let me drive for an hour or two on the thruway between rest stops far away from big cities to give her a break. Learn to hold steady when a big tractor trailer passes you at high speed - the air rush can really push your car around. It was a long time before I could drive without an adult, and then only family members, and then eventually a few friends were allowed and by then I was about 18 or so. After high school I commuted to collage every day, and I got use to all kinds of weather (snow, ice storms, zero visibility) and traffic (again, first icy day (if you get that kind of weather), go practice a few doughnuts in an empty parking lot so you know how to turn into a skid, etc). Once or twice I had to rock the car out of a snowbank, and once I spun around 1 and a half times doing 5 mph on route 219 (south of Buffalo NY) after some freezing rain when there was zero traction (panic in slow motion)(there were almost no other cars on the highway at the time - I was very lucky). There were no cell phones or texting back then. When you are with her for her practice driving, hold her phone and turn it off. Tell her if she needs to talk that bad, then it's time to park the car before the phone gets turned on, then turn it off again before starting the car. It's hard not to be over protective. Teenagers can be very distracted on the road, but she needs to practice to develop her skills. Have her help you with errands, and eventually help with chauffeuring her siblings to where they need to be.

L.,
I think you are doing great! The last person i would want my future teenage daughter driving with is a distracted teenage boy!!! If her friends' parents don't have similar policies, too bad for them. its your daughter you are protecting, and in Springfield VA the traffic is horrendous. I wish you luck and fortitude on your limit setting, keep up the good work!
J.

I say who cares what other people do - ultimately, you're responsible for your kids, so do what you feel is right and what you feel comfortable with - and when she moves out on her own, then she can make her own decisions, but until then, you can never be too careful!