Teen Daughter Not Wanting to Shower

lets take a look at this logically from her perspective for a minute. First of all you just got full custody of her. She is your step daughter. She is living in a home with a number of other people. She is a preteen, which means she is becoming a young lady. You have her doing chores.

Her body is changing, her life has changed, her mother is not her custodian any longer, and you have her doing chores.

I think if I was her i would be looking for a way to take control of my life back as well. Give her a break right now. Tell her she doesnt have to help with laundry right now, find another chore she would be willing to do. Work with her on this one. Sometimes step children dont feel like they belong in the family. They feel like Cinderella. I am wondering if that is what is going on.

Take sometime with her. Tell her you know how hard it must be and that you just want her to be happy. Buy her some very nice smelling bath items that are just hers. There may be alot going on here. I can remember going through that age myself. We had one bathroom and I always felt like someone could walk in on me. I did not like feeling that way.

Explain that she has an odor and that people at school will nto want to be around her. Let her know that showering is somehting that is important to her own health. Reassure her that she will have the privacy that she needs once she is in the shower.

Allow her to choose a chore that she is comfortable with right now. She can do laundry next year. I think some times as parents we can get so caught up in what we want, and the rules of the house, that we can forget that kids have their own issues going on.

I am under the impression that not taking a shower is her way of taking some control of her own life back.

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Aaaaaaaah a stepdaughter...it is time for Dad to step up to the plate!!! You dont want to be "the evil step mother"!!!! My suggestion would be to have a list of weekly chores for each child to do ( well other than the newborn...she can relax for now!!! ) Make them age appropriate and if possible have them rotate chores so they learn to do more than one thing...and dont get bored so quickly. Dont let your stepdaughter get out of helping with the laundry just because she doesnt shower...if it is her week to help with the laundry...then she does laundry for EVERYONE not just her. You dont just wash YOUR clothes do you??? Give her time to adjust to being a part of your new family unit...plenty of one on one time with you and with her Daddy. I helped raise a stepson so I know it can be a minefield...you and your husband MUST present a united front to her and to all of the children so they dont think they can "divide and conquer". Believe me, this is not the last "battle" that you will have...teenagers are such a challenge anyway...and when it is a blended family..it is even trickier!!! Maintain your sense of humor...and keep reminding yourself that she is going through a tough time right now...and needs your love and understanding.
Good luck and God Bless!!
R. Ann

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I am sure that she is like most teens and has alot of idenity in her clothing. So, I would go to the thrift store and buy clothes. (Not cute- granny style) Wash them and tell her you will wash these clothes for her until she desides to take a shower and do her own laudra. Take all of her dirty clothes and bag and hide. Until she takes a shower and does her own laudra. I would not give everything back at once. One out-fit per shower/load of your clean laundry.
This is a last opption! After you have talked and have tried other things. I would tell her up front that this would happen if she doesn't change. That way she is makeing the choice. You become the inforcier of clean habbits and she would be making the choice of a very bad fashion statement. That would not be forgotten. I would inform the school of your plans. That you had gone over everything with your daughter and she has made a choice.
It creative.
Have fun

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Hi K.,
Ruth and Sherrie's advice has is goin' on! I would just like to add, that if she's a reader, get her the book The Care and Keeping of You. It's a health/hygiene book by American Girl (in Borders and I've even seen one in Walmart.) It covers hygiene/puberty issues for pre-teens (even tampon/pad use, etc. It has lots of pictures, very kid friendly, and easy to read.) I got it for my 11 yr. old niece who is also a stepchild who also had hygiene issues. I would suggest giving it to her privately and telling her it's a special book just for her and that the two of you can talk about any of her questions at any time, and that she doesn't have to talk about it with at all if she doesn't want to (takes the pressure off.) Good luck!
Angie

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K.,
Just wondering if there are any signs of depression that you've noticed. Does she want to stay in her room a lot? Avoid friends or family? Have trouble sleeping or avoid eating? Sometimes, not wanting to shower might go deeper than her excuse of not wanting to help with the laundry.
If you think there might be some depression (VERY common in young teen/pre-teen girls as hormones are changing, looks and bodies are changing, and she has the added stress of a changing family), please get her some counseling.
If there aren't any other signs of her not caring for herself or depression...then I'd agree with the other posts (because I have not a clue about raising a preteen yet!)

Good luck!
A.

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just don't do her laundry for a while and she will eventually do it when she is out of clothes. Pre-teen age is so hard and think it is even harder with girls. They are trying to find their identity in life and have all those hormone changes going on in their bodies. Things are happening so fast they don't know how to process it and seem moody all the time over the littlest things. Don't make a big deal over things because that will be the exact thing she will go against you on. I just went through this with my daughter from 9-13 years. She is now starting to be a sweet teenager after those rough years and we are understanding each other more. Hopefully that will last but oh how those pre-teen years are tough and with yours going through all these changes with her life that adds even more tough stuff to get through. She may feel depressed or rejected and may need someone to talk to about her feelings. You may also try taking her to Bath and Body works (they have a big 75% off sale right now) and let her pick out her own shower gel and stuff. I just made my daughters day this weekend when I came home with a bag of several items from this store and let her pick some out for herself. It makes her feel special when she gets to use nice stuff besides the basic soaps and stuff that is usually in their bathroom for everyone to use. It is something just for her. I don't know if any of this will help. Every child is different and where mine had different attitude issues, she hasn't had an issue with personal hygiene problems. She is all about making herself look good.

You need to watch for signs of withdraw and depression. She may need counseling to bring her through all these life changes she is going through right now. Communicate and tell her you love her a lot even if she doesn't respond back. My daughter won't say it back but I read her love for us through her stories she writes so that let's me know that she does love us even if she doesn't want to tell us. She loves to write so I find out a lot about her by reading her stories that she brings for me to read.

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Some good advice in here... some that just recommends playing the power-struggle-game right back. I don't think that will work.

She's getting enough mean-girl junk and power-games from the silly kids at school at that age - least of all does she need to come home and get it from you!

Be straight-forward with her. Give her options.

Tell her that she needs to shower. Period. It's part of taking care of yourself. Ask if there's something you need to do to help her make a shower part of her every or every-other day routine. (If her body is changing, it may be as simple as more privacy from siblings - sounds like you have a very full house). Maybe it's just as simple as she feels overwhelmed by her daily schedule and you can take the opportunity to help her develop time-management skills.

As for the chores, tell her that you all live there together and that you need (and would really appreciate) her contributing to the family... then think of what other things she could do - assuming that laundry just isn't her first choice. I'm sure there are lots of things to do around your house. Dishes, getting the little ones ready in the morning, vacuuming, trash duty, etc. Find something she doesn't mind so much and then work with her on that. You're still getting help - she's still helping!

And hang in there. Give her loads of credit for going thru this tough transition as well... it can't be easy for her either!

T.

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All I can say is, when I was living at my parents house I wasn't allowed to refuse to do anything. You are the parent and need to step up and make her do these things she doesn't want to do. Sure you are going to have battles, but that is part of having kids.

family conference time! Divvy up the chores & the basic life responsibilities, clearly state the rewards & consequences. It's NOT wrong for kids to have chores, it goes way beyond character-building.

As for another thought which another poster mentioned, my 21yo has been battling depression this last year. His personal hygiene code sunk to an all-time low, but with the advent of a new girlfriend & (to some extent) seeing the light....he's now taking showers again. He's had life-altering changes in his mobility & is deciding between reconstructive hip surgery vs. a hip replacement. It's been a hard year & he is just now thinking on his life again. I hope something "clicks" for your step-daughter!

I would say it is her age. I have a 10 yr old girl who used to hate to shower until I made up a chart where they make money for doing chores, waking up by alarm, feeding the dogs, etc. But they LOSE money if they don't shower, hang up wet towels or leave dirty clothes on the floor. My son is 7, and this works tremendously for both of them. Money is a big thing to my kids. They have to earn so much money then trade it for a prize worth that much money. That way they never get the money and you don't have to take them shopping. I keep little prizes (Bakugon, Pokemon, fingernail polish, etc.) on hand for the trade.
I know how frustrating it can be wondering how your child, who you did not bring up this way, can just quit caring about being clean and worry about being teased about it.
Good Luck!

K., Take away privileges. Take away cell phone, if she has one that you pay for. Your house your rules. I would be tempted to tell her she doesn't eat at the table if she is not clean, and if she doesn't eat at the table she doesn't eat at all.

Hang Tough! M.

Go on STRIKE...Don't do ANY of her laundry and when she runs out of clothes AND undies, maybe she will finally decide to take actions into her own hands????? Tell the school councelor what the issues are at home too, so they don't report you for neglect??? SHE is the one neglecting herself. Maybe they will have some tips as well.

Sorry this is late, but I just found it. There is a source of information that can help you with behavior problems, which is what this is. The name of the program is The Total Transformation Program. It teaches you how to parent effectively. We own the program and will refer it to anyone... please give it a look at.

www.thetotaltransformation.com

Good luck!! ls

Talk to her school councilor, let them know your concern and that you don't want to upset her. Don't punish her for what she doesn't do reward her for what she does. It doesn't have to be big, a friend to spend the night, one on one time with dad (it's amazing what will transpire if Dad plays a board game or card game with just her), make it a weekly reward so she doesn't have to wait too long.
Maybe she needs a neutral party to talk to, my 8 YO granddaughter just went through a tough year and we took her to a councilor, they played games and talked, nothing really big came out in their talks, but she is much better adjusted now, I guess knowing you care enough helps.
Good Luck teen girls are tough, they need to be able to talk with someone, I hope she turns to you.

I know this is a really late response, but I have to say from family experience, there is an underlying issue. You aren't going to get anywhere until you can find out what it is and resolve it. Sorry, and good luck!

Let it go, pick your battles. This just isn't a good one. All it will take is one cute guy or a good friend saying she smells and she will become the cleanest human being on earth.

My daughter never did laundry and going to an all girls high school she wasn't the cleanest person. She used to keep body spray in her locker in case a guy came by to pick up his sister or something. Actually all the girls do.

She is eighteen now and has done her laundry for two years and does shower when she feels she needs it. Generally that is when she thinks she will be around guys.

Lots of good suggestions. I think it would help to do several of the things listed below. Not having her help with chores might backfire - she wants to feel like she belongs so she needs to be treated equally with the other kids. But if laundry isn't her thing, have her do something else she enjoys. Taking her to a spa one day and spending special time with her sound like good ideas, too. But I think it comes down to the control issue. Have you read Love and Logic? Basically, you need to give her choices. Help her think for herself. Ask her how she feels about her decisions. Show her things that work for you, but not in a bossy way. Like when you take her to Bath and Body Works for example, say "I love to get the body wash and spray that go together. That seems to work well for me. What scents do you like?" You aren't telling her what to do, you're offering suggestions without it sounding like advice. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be you or her. Hang in there!!

I have to agree with Melissa B--there is an underlying issue. I have an 11 year old stepdaughter that does not want to bathe/shower either and will lie about her last bath when she comes over to avoid it. According to her father, her mom exhibits the same aversion to bathing and cleanliness. I'm hoping puberty will resolve all of that!

Good Morning K., I agree with Ruth Ann about the chores, in fact everything Ruth Ann said was right on. Definitely need dad involved. I imagine you have explained Body odor & hygiene to this young lady.
I guess since everything you have tried hasn't worked a little reverse action maybe called for. Only God knows if it would work with this young lady.
Well Sis, I suppose when all of your cloths are dirty, you get to stay home from your friends house etc..
When the school sends home a note with complaints of odor you can explain to them why you smell this way. All the powders, and deodorants won't mask it forever.

K. I think there is more going on then just not wanting to help with laundry. Did she live full time with mom before you and hubby gained full custody? Did her mom allow her to be lazy and do whatever? Did mom even care?

I know in my heart this is a loving child, just gotta find where that love box is stored, find the key that opens it.

Ok here is my next idea. Let's see if I can be a little more serious here. Do you have a day spa in your area? I love getting a massage, and the one we have in Wichita, I love ( Healing Waters) has a pkg where you can relax in a therapeutic jet tub for 20 minutes before the massage. They also do manicures, pedicures, facials etc..SO the massage isn't a have to for her. But my thought was to make it a Mom & Daughter day. Find something fun just for the two of you. Talk, have lunch out, go window shopping, see a Girlie movie. Show her with your actions you love her and want her to be a bigger part of the family.
I adored my step mom, I didn't live with them but once every couple of months Mom and I would just take off and go work on ceramics or walk through the Mall. We always had a great time. Mom had 4 children from previous marriage and I loved them also. She treated me like her own.
I miss her dearly, She went "Home" Aug 07

In all honesty K. I am not sure what will actually work with your little girl. I pray something clicks with her soon.

God Bless and Hang in there Mama
K. Nana of 5

I don't really understand the connection between not helping out with laundry and not taking a shower. Sounds like she just shouldn't get any choice. Be the parent and don't accept anything else.

K.,
Check and see if there is more to the issue besides this.
There may be some underlying issue that can't be seen.
I hope the best for you and your blended family.
God bless you!!

She is needing control of her life. She is feeling out of control and this is something she can do. You really need to sit down and talk with her when things aren't tense. Explain to her that you understand that she is having trouble adjusting, but that you love her and want the best for her. Give her the chance to unload (respectfully) with no consequenses. Even if she says she is angry with you or your husband, listen and see if you can't read between the lines as to what is really bothering her. She has entered a difficult age anyway and with the family changes, she just needs some control. Let her help set a few guidelines. Try to find some area that you can give and let her be herself, even if it isn't something you would normally be okay with (purple hair, strange makeup, strange clothes...Does this really hurt anyone?) As long as she is respectful of the house rules, offer her some sense of control. Showers are necessary, as are clean clothes, brushed teeth, etc. Explain that this behavior is unhealthy. Get her some special shower gel and/or shampoo that is just hers. She needs time to adjust to everything. Just do your best to let her know she is loved and welcome in your home. Good luck.

Try taking her shopping for special shower gels and give her another chore. This must be a touchy subject for the whole house. Find something else that she can help with and avoid the fights.

One thing that we got when my daughter was 7 or 8 was the Body Book by American Girl - The Care and Keeping of You. The great thing abuot that was when I was an idiot that book was the bible :) You might try that and see if that helps. That being clean is something that is for her sake.

Have you tried getting her some books on hygeine? It might help. Good luck.

Sounds to me like a resentment or rebelling. She is at an age to really need communicate with the parents. Let her sit down and express her feeling and dont get upset at her answers. They may offend but they are her feelings, then take that and see if she has a solution then take all into consideration and I am sure a resolution can take place.
Remember they are going through things we understand they dont. So be patient and let her know while you understand her frustration and confusion on many things you all can work through hoowever your still part of a family unit and needs to take responsibility of her part in it. YOU MUST let her feeling be out in the open to begin working throught the prblem if she wont talk now dont give up everyday try to get her to tell you even if you know she needs to say it. She needs to feel she belongs somewhere.
GOD BLESS. You could take her to counseling or a youth group...at church.

For the shower: I would start taking privelege's away... No friend's time, no phone time, no computer time for each day she misses taking one....

For the laundry, give her a choice to help with the laundry, or a completely different chore and let her know it is her responsiblity to complete it daily.... Like helping bath the younger ones, all of the dinner dishes, collecting trash... I know when we gave my sone a choice between his chores he gets them done better. But I would also explain that you expect her laundry to be put in one spot and that you or whoever does it will only put it on her bed for her to put away.