Teen Boy and His Girlfriend

Not a mom of teenagers, but a HS teacher. The line "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" should be modified for the parents of teens to "keep your toddler in your line of sight and your teenager at your fingertips." I think your approach is exactly right. (In addition to knowing what's going on with your son, it's got to make him feel good that you're treating him like he's in a "grown up" relationship. Keep inviting the girlfriend around). Good luck!

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I just answered and it didn't go through. hmmm...the short version: we don't allow dating in highschool. Kids that age are too young to handle an exclusive relationship. We encourage our teens to hang out in groups. They need to get to know many different people and guard their physical as well as their emotional purity. Never allow a bedroom hangout. Be with them in the family room, kitchen, etc. Cultivate your relationship with your child rather than encourage a romantic one. There is so much heartache out there in this "anything goes" culture. You'll have some battles, but you are not to be your kids friend right now, but their parent. He/she will thank you later in life. So will his future spouse! I always remind my kids of their future spouses. Some websites: chastity.com, courtshipnow.com and a book, Real Love by Mary Beth Bonacci.

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I dont have any teens.. but im only 19 so those times weren't too long ago. my mom was really open with me hanging out with my boyfriends... but she had a set of rules and stuck to them.She always made the rules very clear... and i dealt with the consequences if i ever crossed the line. I vote you create a friendly comfortable environment for them to hang out.. but set some rules.. such as... no girlfriends in the bedroom.. no girlfriends over when parent's arent home.. those types of things. Just talk to him, and let him know that you arent doing it to keep him from her... but only to protect them both. communication is key!

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I think you are doing the right thing. Make it comfortable for them to be at your home together, so they are in a supervised environment. But at the same time I would be talking to him about abstinence/safe sex etc. And while you shouldn't discourage him dating her, since he already is, I'd let him know that he is young and shouldnt get wrapped up in a "serious" relationship. But I absolutely believe that the more you try to drive a wedge/keep them apart, teenagers will rebel and want to be together even more. It's just in their nature lol. It will probably fizzle out, but let it happen on its own. If it doesn't, keep doing what you're doing. Stay involved and keep your eyes open!! I wouldn't allow very much "out of the house" dating at this age. Way too young. Set your ground rules now, and good luck!

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I think you're dead in the black. Provide a warm, welcoming, and safe place for them to hang out and they'll be FAR more likely to take you up on it rather than finding completely unsupervised alone time.

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Well I don't have a fourteen year old, but I was one;) Do you have a TV room, a Den, a computer room, somewhere that is a place they could hang with no-one in their face constantly but still more public. I only say this bc the bedroom is really personal and just hanging on a bed is tempting, it is a way to chip away at boundaries that should remain intact. Those good old hormones really start to rage at that age. I will say that when I met my husband at 30 we were grown people, who had no chaperons. We were so committed to not having sex before we got married, that as grown ups we hung out with others around. We of course went out to eat etc, alone and talked on the phone incessantly...but we kept the bed far far away....;) So I personally think that going to a movie alone is ok and hanging out without people constantly around is cool......... but the bedroom is iffy. Oh and I say listen to your hubby, he is a man, he knows what it is to have the intensity of sexual maturity come on a young man, he's been there. We like sex, but let's face it, they are definitely more physically wired. Alot can happen between bathroom trips. I know that anybody who is bent on having sex, can find a way, I was very young once too. But I think making intimate bonds too easy for them to create, might be asking for some trouble. I know it sounds crazy, but I had a roommate when I was dating my husband and we were so nuts about each other that we sat on the porch to have "alone" time for hours!! The fact we had to get so creative about finding safe ways to be alone made our time together sweeter. So just food for thought. Good luck!

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I have a 20 yr old who lives away at college. I never allowed a boy in the bedroom (she didn't date til 16). I don't want to imagine the thoughts going thru a young mans mind while sitting on my dghtrs bed. I gave them some space, like they could stay in the family room & we would hang out with them for a little while then would go to another part of the house.

Perhaps you could not help him focus on just inviting his girlfriend to the BBQ but also a couple more friends so that they don't feel the need to sneak off to his room because you may forget to have a "bladder" issue & they may get a little gutsy with having a bit more unsupervised one on one in his room.

I would encourage more group activities as I don't like one on one. I explained to my daughter that there would be less temptation if they were in a group. My friend put it perfectly "kids should only be vertical, cause being horizontal can cause babies".

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I raised two teenagers and absolutely you want your house to be where they want to come so that you can keep an eye on them.

I do agree with your husband in that there is no need to push or encourage a relationship. They are not of driving age yet and so it is a little harder to sneak around. I probably would have told him he could invite a friend, and then see if he chose that friend to be the girlfriend. He may have chosen a guy friend. But yes, why not make your house the friendly house. I would still have rules.......like the door must be open when they are in a room alone, etc...

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I applaud you on your thought: "if we don't provide an environment where he is comfortable hanging out with her here or if we prevent them from seeing each other they will start sneaking around unsupervised...and to me that is when the big problems start." It is very healthy thinking.
I'm not sure why your husband would worry? Perhaps he doesn't want him to attach himself so soon? Or, doesn't want to see his heart broken? I would ask him why the worry. It's just puppy love. Everybody gets their heart broken. And, if his son is able to have an attachment that does stand the test of time/growth more power to him. It's rare, but not uncommon. As long as his grades aren't suffering, count your blessings you have a happy healthy kid who is willing to share his life with you. Most teens aren't that way.

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Bedrooms are off limits. Why give them any ideas? And I agree you want them to be comfortable at your home. I also agree with your husband. I got in trouble by spending too much time with my boyfriend at a young age. You want to have a good relationship with whoever your child is seeing so you can see the warning signs. I prefer my kids to do things with groups instead of one on one dating. I have a15 yr old daughter and 17 year old son and a 27 year old. (and one 12 year old).

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I have raised a 19 year old girl who is in college and I have a 15 year old boy who is still at home. We are a very open family and sex is not on the mind of either of them. I have always told each of my teens to love themselves first. I set the rules for them to follow. My daughter is on her own right now but I feel confident in whatever choices she makes. My son has really grown up a lot and matured over the last few years and he is making good choices. I do not let anyone over at the house when I am not home. I would let the girlfriend come over for the cook out. I think that is a good call.

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Mom,
Personally and not to offend, I think that 14 is too young to be dating one on one. I have a daughter the same age and she will not be dating until she is 16; she has no issues with this rule. At 15-16 we are ok with her getting together w/ a group of friends, girls and boys, but we will have to know or meet the friends and will encourage them to them to socialize at our house. She knows we will need to know where she is whenever she does group things going forward. I also think you need to reconsider allowing your son to have a girlfriend in his bedroom. Do you not have a family or TV room they can "hang out" in with other family members present. I think your a little too lenient with your son and his girlfriend, I hope problems don't arise.

Keeping them together around other people eliminates time for them to be alone. At 14, boyfriends and girlfriends should not be alone together. That's my opinion, and it seems to be yours as well. If you prevent them, they'll figure out how to meet up anyway. I think it is great that you are asking for her to visit and taking some time to encourage, but discourage at the same time. If you get what I mean. :) It's good for kids to develop these relationships and to experience these emotions. If you hinder them or dismiss them, you are only adding to issues later. I say keep doing what you are doing and keep the lines of communication open.

You make a good point. THAT is what my Dad, did with us. My home growing up, was for friends. My friends loved it and my dad/Mom. They even thought of them as "their" Mom and Dad too.
And then that way, my parents/Dad could gauge our friends and situations AND problems.... and we always had 2-way conversations... openly. COMMUNICATION is key... and respecting the Teen as well.

Teach him about sex/birth control.

If you don't 'allow' your Step-Son/Girlfriend some hospitality, they will do it elsewhere. Yes. Most teens do. But have 'rules.' They are still kids.
The human brain is not even fully developed until 26 years old.

Have Dad/You talk to him... about things, expectations, responsibility etc.. WITH him. Not talking 'down' to him. 2-way talks.

He is still a teen... and she is too. Parents of girls are often more protective... so you can get to know them TOO. Her parents. Do you even know them????

Designate curfews, situations, that they call you anytime their plans changes... if they are late, in trouble etc.. They are kids. But always be open... honest, respectful... and if he does not behave responsibly, then you can cut back on how often he goes out, etc.
It is a 'privilege' to be independent with a girlfriend.

ALSO teach him about how to treat girls, and to KNOW if a girlfriend is not appropriate either. Some girls are aggressive/manipulative etc. But that works for boys too.

Since he has a girlfriend, I would with Dad, sit down and discuss "life."

all the best,
Susan

Both my boys just got girlfriends - 16 and 21, and I find it improves them immeasurably. They do more, are more polite, etc. "Behind every good man..." as they say.

I don't see why you should limit their time, unless you notice that spending too much time together is causing problems. Just keep the bedroom door open, as you are.

You are dead on about having her there and not trying to end it. They will do that when they feel the need. We went through all that drama with 2 sons. I can only imagine if one or both had of been girls. My grandsons both have girlfriends and we all tell them about sex. I don't agree with it but Mom buys them condoms but on the other hand I prefer that than another teenage pregnancy in the family. They especially have so much to live for without pushing the family issue. My oldest grandson just graduated high school, went to tech school to be a fire fighter and now is going to college. I would hate to see him have to stop his dreams and get a job to support a family.

I'm with you! Just let your husband know "The more people the merrier!" You are right that they will sneak to hang out with each other if you push them apart.

Kudos to you :)

We raised 4 girls and 2 boys...at 14 I would require that they be in view of the family all the time...I expected any boyfriends or girlfriends to be able and willing to interact with the family whenever visiting. I guess our kids were too busy too spend much time "hanging out".

I don't have a 14 year old yet but i think that you are correct in your actions and thinking. you are not leaving them alone unsupervised but still giving them a little privacy. who says they want to have sex right now anyway. I understand how your husband feels and i think his feelings are normal because todya's teenagers are so.....FAST! But i think your doing a great job and sometimes you just have to approach each situation as it comes. good luck and keep up the good work.

I agree with you in letting the girlfriend come over to a family event. there will be lots of people around. However I do agree with dad in not letting them hang out TOO much. But as long as your step son keeps up with chores, has good grades (guess it doesnt apply now) and keeps his nose clean, Respectful to you, dad and the other kids, I say let the girl come over.
Be sure to have those commincations lines open with your step son. sometimes knowing where his head it will help you make a decision. He may not even want her to come over. (kind of like he is just killing time with some girl for the summer)
good luck